Studio
James loves Chicago.
A lot.
It’s part of the reason they get to stay in the city for an extra couple of days. James had practically begged the tour directors to let them stay in Chicago for as long as possible.
He feels incredibly light as he steps off of the plane, a bit giddy. They have the whole day to themselves, and James can’t wait for all that they can get up to.
There is just so much to do in Chicago. Not to mention, Regulus is here too.
James isn’t even embarrassed to admit that he liked bantering with Regulus again, even if it was Regulus trying to get James to leave him alone. James literally could not though, which he didn’t think was an issue. He still hasn’t listened to the voicemail. He’s perfectly content to live in the little bubble where Regulus confessed his feelings for James and that’s it.
James knows it’s his turn now, and he’s actually dying to tell Regulus. He knows better than to expect a good reaction, but he thinks he can work up to it. He just needs to be in regular communication with him again before sharing the news.
Lucky for James, Regulus is with them for the next four days, and James can do a lot with that time. Today is day one, and James has a plane that he just knows is foolproof.
Since Regulus’ grand confession, James has spent a lot of time thinking. He has gone over every single encounter they’ve had, and everything just makes so much more sense. In hindsight, James really should have known. But he was working on not getting his hopes up, so he ignored all of the signs.
So, despite Regulus ignoring him, James is absolutely glowing.
“You’re pathetic,” Peter said, walking in step next to James.
James has not told any of friends about what Regulus said. He thought about it, but he wanted to keep it to himself. That moment was just for him, even if it didn’t go how he thought it would. He didn’t need to let anybody else into his mind, and he was almost certain that Regulus would be upset with James if he went and told everybody.
“I’m ecstatic,” James corrected, walking through the airport far too happy. Nobody should be happy in airports, especially not when people are taking pictures of them at a rapid rate. James has no idea how people find out where they are so quickly, but every time they travel by public plane, they’re found before they even land.
“I’ve noticed. Why?”
James scoffed. “Can a man not just be happy anymore, Wormtail?”
“You’re deflecting.”
“I am,” James confirmed.
Peter turned his head to look at Regulus. He was talking with Barty and Evan a couple of paces behind them. “He does not look happy,” Peter told him.
“Not yet.”
“James?” Peter asked, amusement in his voice.
“Don’t worry, Pete. I know what I’m doing.”
———
Everybody ignored James the moment they got to the hotel. He wasn’t offended. Not really. They could all see how much energy he had and how excited he was to be in Chicago that they just fell asleep, therefore ignoring James.
He was getting restless though. They were on the sixteenth floor and had an amazing view, and James just wanted to be outside. He’s been trying to focus on writing for the past couple of hours while everybody napped, but he couldn’t really concentrate for long enough to write anything that sounded good.
So, eventually he folded and did what he told himself he wouldn’t do.
He texted Regulus.
3:29pm
James: Want to explore Chicago?
Reg <3: Delete this number.
James: Ooh, good. You’re awake!
Reg <3: I’m not.
This was not technically his plan, but Regulus was the only person who had responded to his message. And, well Regulus was actively avoiding him, but he couldn’t do that forever. So, James made his way down the hallway and knocked on the door he knew led to Regulus’ room. He was sharing with Barty and Evan, which meant he was not surprised when it was Barty who opened the door.
“Hi!” James said brightly.
Barty glared at him. “What do you want?”
“I need to speak with Regulus.”
“No.”
James frowned, suddenly realizing this was not going to be as easy as he thought it was. He thought he could count on Barty to be on his side, especially considering he was the one who pushed James to follow Regulus outside at dinner last night.
“Oh. No?” James asked, still feeling like maybe he hadn’t heard him right.
“No,” Barty confirmed, already going to shut the door.
James put his foot in the doorway to stop it from closing before he could even think about what he was doing. “Wait.” Barty fixed him with an unimpressed look. He raised an eyebrow, waiting for James to explain himself, but James was lost for words. “Can I talk to him?”
“I literally just said no.”
“Why not?”
“Are you serious?”
“No,” James joked before realizing that it was not the time for Sirius jokes. “Yes. I mean. Yes, I am. Serious, that is. I’m serious.”
Barty hesitated a moment before saying anything, just looking James up and down. James got the feeling that he was being severely judged, and he most definitely was. Barty was Regulus’ best friend, so he wasn’t surprised that this was the reaction he was receiving after showing up at his door. But… Well, he needed to explain himself.
“He’s not here,” Barty told him eventually.
“He’s not?” James asked. Where could he possibly be? They’ve only just arrived.
“No. He’s not. And you have some explaining to do.”
James nodded. “I know, that’s why I was trying to talk to him.”
Barty shook his head. “Not to Regulus. To us,” he said, opening the door a bit more to reveal Evan.
Perhaps this was the opportunity that James was looking for all along. If Barty and Evan were to know how James feels- in an official way that leaves no room for interpretation- well they could push Regulus to be open to communication.
James nodded. “Gladly,” he said, stepping further in the room.
James has never really thought of Barty and Evan as being scary. Sure, they were security and could be intimidating when they needed to be, but not really towards James. But as he sat stood in front of them he felt a bit like he was talking to Regulus’ parents. Not his literal parents, because that conversation would go very differently, but his figurative ones. They were the people who looked after Regulus and cared about him, and James was suddenly very concerned about getting this right.
He was nervous.
Evan had his arms crossed over his chest and Barty was leaning against the desk. James thought for just a brief moment that they were a very pretty couple. Genuinely, they complimented each other so well, and he probably would have voiced this out loud had he not been trying to collect his thoughts properly.
“So,” James said, breaking the silence since neither of them seemed to have any plans of doing it.
“So,” Barty echoed, completely unimpressed.
They all went silent again, and James reminded himself to fix his posture. He needed to be confident here, otherwise they wouldn’t believe him.
James cleared his throat. “I like Regulus,” he said. He did not get the reaction he expected.
“Get in line,” Evan told him, reminding James just how many people liked Regulus.
“You know, we love Regulus,” Barty said.
James nodded. “Yeah, I know.”
“He’s our best friend.”
“I know.”
“So what makes you think you’re good enough for him?” Evan asked.
James, if he’s being completely honest, has never had to think about that before. He’s never had to question whether he met somebody else’s standards. He’s not even trying to be cocky, it’s just never crossed his mind before. But now that he’s thinking about it… Well, he knows he’s not good enough for Regulus. He can’t really give him everything he deserves because of the life he lives. James travels around the world for months at a time with hardly a moment of spare time, so how is he supposed to manage a relationship with that? He hasn’t even been in a relationship in a long time; he has no idea where to start.
He knew it wouldn’t be easy, nothing worth having ever is. But he hadn’t considered what exactly a relationship with Regulus Black would entail.
“I’m not,” James admitted. James knew he had a hard time being honest about himself, and that kind of emotional vulnerability was crucial to healthy relationships. He’s seen the way his parents communicate and act around each other, and James wonders where they went wrong with him. Why does he have such a hard time not being okay? “But I do really like him. And I would do literally anything for him, if that wasn’t obvious by now.”
Barty and Evan did not seem convinced. James had more to say anyway.
“And I know that we seem too different or like we would never work out, but you guys weren’t there for all of the conversations we’ve had. I mean, we really did build a true friendship and talking to Regulus is perhaps one of my favorite things to do. Which is precisely why I’ve been so mopey for the past couple of weeks, because I missed him. And I know he’s mad at himself right now for telling me he has feelings for me, but I can fix it because I feel the same way. So… I need to talk to him.”
James waited, and it was making his stomach twist even more.
“One moment, Potter,” Evan said, quietly discussing something with Barty.
Everything that James said was true. His intent was not to embarrass Regulus. He wasn’t going to use his confession against him. He probably wouldn’t bring it up at all. He had said it in a moment of anger, and James knew about confessing things by accident.
Barty cleared his throat, looking back at James. He had tried to make out what they were saying, but they had been whispering so close to each other that he could only make out a couple of nonsensical words.
“And the voicemail?”
Oh, right. James had almost forgotten about it. “I haven’t listened to it.”
Evan frowned. “You haven’t?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I was scared,” James said easily.
“Don’t listen to it,” Barty said, and James raised an eyebrow in question. “If you want things to… go more smoothly, I guess, then don’t listen to it.”
“What does that mean?”
“He’s embarrassed and doesn’t remember what he said,” Barty told him. A moment later he held his hand out. “Let me listen to it.”
James was suddenly very protective of a voicemail he didn’t know the contents of. “No,” he said before thinking. It was another thing that was just for him. Something from Regulus that was just for his ears. Even if James would never listen to it, that doesn’t mean that he wanted anybody else hearing it first.
“No?”
James licked his lips. “Uhh, yeah. No.”
“You’re on thin ice, Potter.”
“I know. But if he doesn’t remember what he said then I just think he should be the one to hear it and decide from there,” James explained.
Barty and Evan considered it and then they both nodded in agreement. “Okay, good answer,” Evan told him.
James felt a small weight lifted off his chest when Barty smiled, and James knew that they believed him. Good, because he was telling the truth. There was nobody he wanted more than Regulus, and that scared him, but it also excited him more than anything. This was his opportunity, and it was so close that he could almost taste it.
The hard part was over. James already knew Regulus liked him, Regulus’ friends knew that James felt the same way, and they were more than on board. All James really had left to do was convince Regulus to date him, which shouldn’t be too hard. It was what they both wanted, wasn’t it?
———
3:44pm
James: your friends are exceptionally helpful
and scary
very scary
Reg <3: Stop.
James: what are you doing tonight ?!?!
Reg <3: I’m busy.
James: :)
funny thing
I know that you’re not
Reg <3: I am
James: how’s the studio, by the way?
Reg <3: Would be better if I could focus.
James: oh :)) am I distracting you?
3:50pm
James: I know you’re ignoring me on purpose :/
3:53pm
James: reg!!
3:58pm
James: :(
4:00pm
James: see you soon, ducky
***
Regulus went with Benjy and Marlene to the studio about an hour or so after they landed. They had a lot of work to do and not a lot of time to do it.
Benjy was secretly a music genius, apparently. Regulus was not happy to find out that they would be joining. Marlene insisted upon it though, and Regulus couldn’t very well say no. How was he supposed to explain that he was jealous of Benjy because James was nice to them? It didn’t exactly make him sound very sane.
Still, Regulus found that working with them was fine after a while. Regulus got over it fairly quickly. Benjy kept blushing every time Peter would text them, which was literally every ten minutes. It was a contributing factor as to why they had gotten no work done. Marlene was also texting Dorcas constantly, asking her about when her flight was going to get in.
Regulus thought that he was the only normal one until James started texting him. He could have at least had the decency to forget Regulus existed, because he really could not deal with this today. And, to add insult to injury, Barty and Evan were raving about how much they loved James Potter now. He doesn’t know what happened, and he probably doesn’t want to know.
But, there were some small pockets of time where all three of them were in the zone. Marlene was playing the piano for the track, Benjy would be lightly strumming a guitar component, and Regulus was behind the glass, trying to mix all of the instruments together. He had recorded violin and cello for the last section of the song where everything came together.
While he did that, Marlene and Benjy were messing around in the booth. Regulus muted them for a couple of minutes, changing the volume levels of the piano versus the guitar. He wanted all of it to be subtle, and he really needed the vocals to make it sound finished.
“Ready to sing?” he asked Marlene through the mic. He got distracted by the sound of his phone beeping and he checked it quickly, quite unhappy to see that it was James again.
Jame: see you soon, ducky
Regulus froze. James better not be on his way here. Oh, he is going to kill Evan. He just knows in his heart that it was Evan who was behind this. He seems like he would be the more sensical one, but Evan loves to cause trouble.
He was distracted again by the sound of knocking, and he saw Marlene banging on the window to get Regulus’ attention. He set his phone down and walked into the booth.
“What?”
Marlene beamed at him. “Hear me out,” she said. Regulus hated when she started sentences like that. She kept doing it, too. Every time she had a new idea- that she knew Regulus would hate- she would preface it by saying that Regulus just had to listen before he said no.
Regulus sighed. “We can’t change it again.”
“No, no this is a really good idea,” Benjy said, which was not making Regulus want to agree any more. It was making him more inclined to say no, actually. They have both given Regulus almost complete freedom to manage the song as he sees fit, although they do add their input in here and there. Some of their ideas have been… okay, he guesses.
“We don’t have to change anything we’ve already done,” Marlene told him brightly.
“Okay, let’s hear it,” Regulus said.
Marlene and Benjy exchanged a nervous glance, and it was not making Regulus feel any better about this. They had the studio until six tonight, and then for just a couple more hours tomorrow. So, it was really much better for everyone that they finish in that time.
“Okay, but really listen before you say no.”
“Marlene-”
“Okay, okay. Sorry. So, I was talking to Dorcas. You know Dorcas, right?”
“Unfortunately.”
“Right! Perfect. Well, I may have been talking to her about how another voice would be nice for this song.”
“Another voice?” Regulus asked.
Marlene nodded. “Just to like, harmonize. At the end. You know?”
“Okay, sure.”
Marlene took a deep breath. “Well, Dorcas may or may not have said you have a good voice.”
“I don’t,” Regulus said immediately. He was not a singer and he had no interest in being one.
“Well, yeah, right. You see, she also may or may not have sent me a video of you singing.”
Regulus didn’t respond for a moment. All of his friends seemed intent on betraying him today, he was just waiting for a call from Pandora saying she slept with his mother or something equally as horrifying. The thing is, Regulus could sing. His voice was soft and smooth, nothing like Sirius’ which had more rasp and grit to it. But singing was never something that interested him, it was Sirius’ thing and Regulus was fine with that.
“I’m not doing it,” he said. Regulus didn’t need to think about it anymore than that.
“Please?”
“No.”
“Your voice is perfect, Regulus. It’s exactly what the song needs, and you know it.”
“I disagree,” he said, even if he did know it. He knew the song needed a little extra something to really make it stand out, and that's what they were going for. A song that would stand out and stand alone from the rest of their discography. They were trying to be more experimental, which was why the song was progressing the way it was. “Have Remus do it.”
Marlene gave Regulus a look, a very clear one. Remus was a good singer, but his voice did not fit the energy that they were trying to create.
“James will be impressed,” Benjy said, as if that would have any sway at all on Regulus’ decision. It didn’t, not here. He doubted James, a literal famous singer, would be impressed that Regulus was featured on one song.
“I don’t care about him,” Regulus lied. He cared too much. His stomach has been in knots all day because of how much he cared, and he hated it.
“No? Why do you keep checking your phone?” Marlene teased.
Regulus was not in the mood. “Marlene, I am trying very hard to like you right now.”
She smiled. “You love me.”
“That’s a stretch.”
“Will you think about it at least?” she asked, far too hopeful.
“Maybe,” he lied, knowing he would not be thinking about it at all. His mind was made up and had been made up since the moment she said anything.
4:00pm
Jame: see you soon, ducky
4:10pm
Regulus: Ducky?
James I swear to God if you are on your way I will literally murder you
Jame: ducky <3
Regulus tried to refocus on the song, but it was becoming increasingly harder the more he thought about James, who was most definitely on his way right now. And ducky? Regulus was not going to get over how ridiculous that was.
Benjy left the booth, leaving Marlene alone in there to start recording the song. Benjy was being…energetic. They were sort of just dancing around while Marlene sang, even though the song wasn’t the most appropriate.
“You dance, right?” Benjy asked, doing a half spin and drinking a soda.
“Not anymore,” Regulus answered while Marlene went through the first verse for the seventh time. It wasn’t sounding right, so they kept trying it a bunch of different ways.
They hummed, nodding their head to a beat only they could hear. “Well, for what it’s worth, I think you’re pretty good at this.”
It was worth absolutely nothing, actually. “I know,” Regulus responded, because he was mean and apparently still being petty about the whole Benjy situation.
Benjy smiled. “You don’t like me very much,” they said as if they were just coming to this conclusion.
“Don’t I?” Regulus asked, spinning in his chair to face him and ignoring Marlene completely for a moment. He had crossed his arms over his chest and was waiting for Benjy to analyze him, because really, what could they know?
Benjy shook their head. “You don’t,” they said definitively. “Although, you should know, I’m not interested in James. Like at all.”
Regulus’ first thought was that he didn't believe them. How could anybody who knew James not be interested? Regulus’ second thought was that he hated himself for thinking the first one.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Regulus lied.
“I used to be jealous of James, you know? Because I thought Peter liked him,” Benjy told him. Regulus kept his face stoic, unimpressed.
“It’s not the same situation,” Regulus insisted.
“No?”
“No.”
Regulus still did not like Benjy.
———
“Please?” Marlene asked again.
They were listening to the playback of what she had recorded so far. It was good, there was no denying Marlene’s vocal abilities, but even Regulus had to admit that it was missing something. However, he refused to agree that it was his voice that they needed. They all knew plenty of other people who knew how to sing, any of them would be a better option.
“I don’t sing,” Regulus said, feeling like he has repeated himself a million times now.
“I have video proof that you do,” Marlene countered.
Regulus glared at her for a moment. He was drunk when Dorcas took that video anyway. It was that night from just a couple of weeks ago when Dorcas and Pandora showed up at his flat with wine. And… Regulus was sort of sad that night- because of James, unsurprisingly- and ended up belting Cover Me In Roses by Holden Laurence while he rolled around on his freshly wine stained carpet. He never would have done it if he had known he was being filmed.
“I was intoxicated.”
“Which means you’ll sound even better now!” Marlene said.
Regulus snorted. “The answer’s no.”
And then, Regulus felt it before he heard it. The way the hairs on the back of his neck stood up and the way Benjy sat up a little bit straighter.
James was here.
Regulus was going to go insane.
“Go away,” he said, turning around to face him. Regulus was busy and they were only here for another hour before their time was up. This was just another unwelcome distraction.
Marlene beamed, clearly much happier to see James than Regulus was. “Oh, thank God! Maybe James can talk some sense into you.”
“Marlene, do not-”
“Tell Regulus he should sing.”
James was looking between all three of them in rapid succession, clearly a bit confused about the different greetings he received. “You sing?” James said, his question directed at Regulus.
He refused to answer. He was set on ignoring James and also ignoring this insane proposition. He had no interest in doing it, therefore, he would not be doing it. It was simply, clean cut.
“He does,” Benjy said, as if they weren’t already on Regulus’ list.
Marlene was already pulling up the video and Regulus was too slow to stop her. If there was one thing Regulus never wanted it was for James to hear him sing. Regulus wasn’t self conscious about many things, but he did know what he was talented at, and singing just wasn’t one of his skills.
James, apparently, thought differently. His lips were parted in shock as he watched the video over again, actually taking the phone from Marlene’s hands. If the singing wasn’t embarrassing enough, the dramatic performance was also featured. And now James was watching it.
Regulus was never doing a favor for anybody ever again.
“Reg,” James said, looking up as the video started playing for a third time. It was just a short, ten second clip, and they were all acting as if Regulus was suddenly the world's next big star. Regulus has had enough of being in the spotlight, it was never really his thing. It was just something that came with the territory of being a Black and putting himself on stage every weekend for everyone to see. Now though, he was more than happy to be in the background.
“Don’t,” Regulus said, his voice a warning in itself. He would not be entertaining this.
“You can sing.”
“Shut up.”
“How come you never told me?”
“Why are you here?” Regulus asked, hoping it would steer the conversation to anything else.
Benjy and Marlene seemed to notice at the same time that it was slightly odd for James to just show up while they were working on music. Regulus is sure he’s never done it before, and it makes Regulus even more angry to know that he’s only interrupting so that he can talk to Regulus.
James grinned at him. “Oh, well, to see you,” he explained with a shrug.
Benjy hopped off the ledge they were sitting on a moment later, patting James on the back and giving Regulus a smile. “Good luck,” they said before grabbing their bag and walking out of the room.
Marlene also seemed to view this as her cue to leave, and she began to move frantically around the room to collect her things. “Right, well. I’ll leave you guys to it. James, please convince Regulus, yeah?”
James nodded, even though he had hardly any idea of what he was supposed to convince Regulus to do. It didn’t matter anyway. Not even James Potter could change his mind.
***
James watched Regulus watch Marlene leave the room, both of them staying silent for a moment. He hadn’t meant to halt their work completely, but he was more than happy to have a moment alone with Regulus. It felt like there were always people around them, and Regulus was only ever truly himself if he was one-on-one, or with people he was fully comfortable with.
“You should do it,” James said to break the silence. He didn’t really know what Marlene was trying to get Regulus to do, but it obviously had something to do with Regulus singing, and James was now his number one fan. He feels a bit lied to, actually. Regulus can sing, better than James himself, in his opinion.
“No.”
“I’m just saying-”
“Well, don’t.”
James nodded, pressing his lips together for a moment while he tried to figure out the best course of action here. Regulus was in a bad mood; James had figured that out the moment he walked in. His shoulders were tense, his arms were crossed, and his eyes have been narrowed into a glare since before he even saw James.
“Okay. But I do really think you have a nice voice.”
Regulus didn’t respond, he just sighed softly and turned around, fussing with the computer all of the sudden. James didn’t know that much about the production end of things, so it was safe to say that he was more than impressed by whatever Regulus was doing.
“What does that do?” James asked, pointing at a button and moving to touch it.
Regulus hit his hand away before he could. “Don’t touch anything.”
James was not so good at following orders, and all of the buttons looked so pressable. He started moving towards another one and Regulus hit his hand away again.
“James, I am being serious. For like two minutes don’t fucking touch anything.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m saving everything we did today and I don’t need you deleting it.”
“Can I hear?”
“No.”
James frowned. He wanted to hear the song his friends have been working on all day. They skipped a post airport nap and the opportunity to walk around the city for it, so obviously it was important to them. And if it was important to his friends then it was important to James.
“Why not?”
“Because it’s not done yet.”
Oh. Well. Okay, that was fair actually. James supposed he could wait until they finished, even if he really did not want to.
“You look pretty today, by the way,” James said suddenly. He doesn’t really know why he said it, he had a tendency to not think before he spoke, and generally it got him into trouble. But it was still true, and he didn’t think he should have to hold back the truth. Regulus was always pretty, and it almost always made James a bit speechless. Today especially. His curls were not styled, per se, but they always looked perfect. James wanted to run his hands through them, they looked soft and warm, an interesting juxtaposition to the persona Regulus tried to show the world. James had always seen past it though. Regulus burned so bright, how could James be expected to ignore him?
“Shut up,” Regulus said, but James could tell he was blushing, which made him look impossibly prettier. James loved to make Regulus blush.
James shrugged. “Just saying,” he said through a smile. Just being around Regulus again made him smile, even if things were still complicated. James had thought that Sirius was being dramatic when he said that James has been happier lately. Because, overall, James has been very sad. But it’s here that he realizes that Regulus makes him glow. Regulus makes him happy.
“You make me happy,” James said. Apparently it was another one of those days where James was just going to say every thought that came to his mind. He was going to be in so much trouble for it, and he couldn’t wait.
Regulus didn’t move for a moment, and then he just seemed to deflate. “James. Why are you here?”
James remembered the voicemail again, fishing his phone out of his pocket. He handed it to Regulus without any explanation, momentarily forgetting that Regulus couldn’t actually read his mind.
“You left me a voicemail,” James said. Regulus’ whole body tensed up again as he stared at the phone in his hands, and James remembered Barty saying that Regulus doesn’t have any idea what he said. “I haven’t listened to it!” James said quickly.
Regulus looked up. “You’re lying.”
“I’m not.”
“Why haven’t you listened to it?”
James started to fiddle nervously with his hands. “Oh. I… Umm. I was scared, I guess,” James admitted quietly.
“Scared?” Regulus asked.
James let out a breath, reminding himself that this was something he could admit. To Regulus at least. Because he deserved to know. James felt a bit like he was carrying around a secret, which he was, he supposed, after Regulus told James that he liked him. If James knows how Regulus feels, then it’s only fair for Regulus to know how James feels.
“Yeah. Scared.”
“Of what?”
“Of you taking it back,” James said, finally addressing it.
Regulus did not seem to like that. “Stop.”
James did not. “And I knew you had gone out drinking-”
“Stop.”
“So I thought you would want to be the first to hear it.”
James waited for Regulus to say something, or for him to do something. But he didn’t. He just sat there for what felt like eternity. The computer made a simple beeping noise, which let Regulus know that the files were saved, and that seemed to bring him back to reality.
“I want you to forget I said it.”
James’ stomach dropped. “No.”
“Yes.”
“Reg, I… I…”
James cut himself off. He couldn’t say it. Why couldn’t he say it? This was the part where he was supposed to say ‘Hey! Regulus! No worries, I like you too! Please let me have your babies!’ And yet, James could get nothing out.
He’s never done this before, and even though he knows how Regulus feels, it’s still scary. Because, essentially, this is Regulus rejecting him. He wants James to forget about it, which is somehow worse than him taking it back or saying he didn’t mean it.
James watched as Regulus deleted the voicemail, not bothering to listen to it first. And then he watched as Regulus deleted it from the trash folder, as if James ever would have dug it up. He wouldn’t have, not if Regulus didn’t want him to.
“Here,” he said, handing James his phone back.
He, stupidly enough, feels a bit like he just got broken up with. But, no. That’s not right. They were never even dating. James couldn’t even articulate how he felt.
“I don’t want to forget about it,” James said, because it was easier than saying that he feels the same way. It was easier than saying that he’s been falling in love with Regulus since the moment he appeared outside of James’ hotel door all the way back in New York. James never stood a chance.
“Too bad.”
James was fumbling bad here, and he recognized it.
“I like you!” he blurted out before he could think too far into it. If he thought too much then he would find a way to convince himself not to tell him, but he needed Regulus to know.
Regulus didn’t react though. In fact, he just looked tired.
“You don’t.”
“No, I do. I really do, Reg,” James said, finding it easier now that the hard part was out of the way. Regulus knew, so all he had to do was prove it
“You don’t,” Regulus insisted. James didn’t understand why he was pushing against it.
“Stop saying that. I do.”
Regulu stood up. “You don’t, James. Okay? And it’s fine. You don’t need to humor me or try to let me down gently. Let’s just move on.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No,” James said again. He would not be backing down from this. Once he got started there really was no stopping him.
“Potter-”
“Let’s go on a date.” That stopped Regulus, which meant James had the opportunity he needed. Sure, this wasn’t exactly part of his plan, but he hadn’t really thought it through very well anyway. “Just you and me.”
“Stop,” Regulus said, going for defense again. “Just stop.”
“We have the whole night free. Why don’t we go on a date?”
“James. This is mean.”
“Mean?” James asked.
“Yes. So stop.”
James didn’t want to be mean, and he doesn’t understand what he was doing that made it seem that way. “I just want to go out with you,” he said honestly. He wanted to treat Regulus to a date, and prove just how sincere he was being.
“You don’t like me, James. Okay? I know that you think you do, but-”
“Are you trying to say I don’t know my own feelings?” James interrupted. Normally, he tried not to interrupt people when they were talking, but he couldn’t let Regulus believe what he was saying
“Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying.”
“Well you’re wrong.”
Regulus took a deep breath. James has never seen him be so many things at once. Angry and jumpy and sad and frustrated. It was all in the eyes though, and James could see all of it. Why couldn’t they try? All they really needed to do was try.
“There’s nothing to like about me, James. So whatever it is you’re feeling… Lust or infatuation or… It’s not real.”
James felt his heart keep breaking, and it wasn’t even for himself. “Reg, stop. Don’t say that.”
“It’s true.”
“There is so much to love about you.”
“Please, don’t.”
“You’re funny, and kind, and you make the best coffee.”
“James,” Regulus said, letting him know that he was walking a very thin line.
“And you’re beautiful, which really goes without saying. And you’re insanely intelligent. And talented! Regulus! You can sing, dance, choreograph, make music, and I’m sure a billion other things. And you make me smile, like a lot, if you hadn’t noticed. You’re one of my favorite people to talk to. Really, you make me feel less insane.”
“James, stop.”
“No,” James said, because why should he? There are a million things to love about Regulus, and he would list them over and over for hours just to prove to Regulus how wrong he was.
“James… Those aren’t… That isn’t me. Okay? Those are things I can do. I’m really just mean. And spiteful. And petty. And… and I shut down when people try to talk to me, and I never do anything the right way, and I am most certainly not funny.”
James couldn’t help but smile at that last part. “I disagree.”
“When have I ever cracked one joke?”
“Reg-”
“No. This is done. This conversation is done.”
James shook his head. “You’re not hearing me.”
“You just want to be wanted, James!” Regulus said, raising his voice and cutting James off.
James physically took a step back. That was the last thing he expected to hear. “No, I don’t.”
“You do. You told me so yourself. And then you find out I want you, which is the only reason you’re acting like this right now. So stop. It isn’t real.”
“That isn’t true.” It was so far from the truth. James has wanted Regulus since before he knew what it really meant to want. Couldn’t he see that?
“Even still,” Regulus said, his voice much quieter now. “There is truth to it.”
James didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to say or how to turn this around. He didn’t know what the voicemail said, and he didn’t know what Regulus was thinking. He didn’t know how this got so completely out of control and now neither of them were happy.
Regulus cleared his throat. “And I’d be a horrible boyfriend.”
James wanted to laugh, but he didn’t have it in him. “I don’t get it.”
“James. There’s no chance here. We wouldn’t work out.”
“You can’t possibly know that.”
“Look at us right now,” Regulus said. “We can’t even get this right.”
“I’m trying,” James said. He was always trying. Always. And it never seemed to be enough.
“I know.”
“Why… we could try,” James said. Because they could. He knew that they could and that they could work it out. They have proved before that they can communicate, and they could get back to that.
Regulus shook his head. “I can’t.”
“Reg,” James said, unfairly close to crying. This was a break-up, essentially.
“We both knew that I was the problem, James.”
“You’re not a problem.”
“I am here.”
“No.”
***
Regulus wants to cry. He wants to bundle himself up in blankets and curl in on himself. That is all he wants to do. He can’t keep talking to James, and he cannot let James see him cry.
But he’s persistent. No matter what Regulus says or does, James just keeps trying. Oh, and how that broke him to hear. James is always trying. They both were, just never in the same way. James was trying for them, Regulus was trying for James. He was trying to show James that this isn’t what he wants. He doesn’t know what he’s asking for, and Regulus can’t let him get involved. It will end up hurting them both even more than they already are. He’s trying to do James a favor.
And, Regulus was the problem between them. He knew that. He was the one who never let James get close, he’s literally doing it right now. This was not a conversation he expected he would be having today, but it was a necessary one. James just thinks he wants Regulus. Maybe it’s because they kissed once, or maybe he reminds James of Sirius, but that’s all there is to it. It’s just confusion, and maybe a bit of accidental manipulation on Regulus’ part.
There was a reason he never let people get close.
“I want you to leave,” Regulus said. He was keeping his composure for now, but he was only so strong. They kept going around in circles, and Regulus was surprised. Normally, James would have given up by now. He should just give up, actually. Dragging this on was helping neither of them. Regulus already decided it was a lost cause.
“Regulus,” James said, and now it was different. His tone was different, his expression, all of it. Regulus didn’t know what to expect. It was a different look on James, and one that Regulus could not decipher. He didn’t like not being able to read people.
“I said leave.”
“And I already said I was not going to.”
Regulus was breaking down now though, and his bottom lip was starting to shake. He was going to cry. “James. Leave.”
“I want the truth.”
“I already told you,” Regulus said. Because he had already told him. He had given James a million reasons as to why they were going to give up on this. Because they were giving up. Regulus could not let James try for no reason, not when he has been doing so this entire time.
“No. You haven’t,” James said as if he was positive. There’s no way. Regulus hasn’t given away any information that he shouldn’t have, and James has everything he needs to be able to walk away. Regulus has been mean and he’s been trying to hurt James on purpose because he cannot do it. He doesn’t want to hurt him, but this way it’s temporary. James will get over it eventually.
“I have.”
“I can tell when you’re lying.”
“You can’t.”
James took a deep and collected breath. Whatever was in him a moment ago that was on the cusp of snapping was gone now. Regulus had coaxed it out of him flawlessly because he knew how to hit where it hurt. And the only reason it hurt so much was because of how true it really was.
And then he smiled. “I think we both need a moment,” he said.
Regulus blinked, more than confused. “What?”
“We need to regroup. Take a breather. Want to go get coffee?”
“I- No?”
“You almost got me, you know?” James said. Oh, so he was happy now? Regulus couldn’t deal with the whiplash, and he couldn’t deal with taking steps backwards. How many ways did Regulus have to turn him down?
“James?”
“Can I hug you?” James asked, looking Regulus right in the eye. He had to see how the tears were starting to form, and that was the scariest part of all of this. Regulus was hurting his own feelings, he was digging into his deepest insecurities, and all of it was true.
Regulus was mean. And he would be a horrible boyfriend. And they wouldn’t work out because of Regulus. Through no fault of James’ own, they were a catastrophe. He was the problem, the variable that wasn’t working in the equation. There wasn’t much of anything to even like about Regulus, even he knew it. All that there was to him was what he could do for others, and James had pointed it out too. He made coffee and he helped friends with music and he entertained people. He was talented, but talent wasn’t everything.
“Reg?” James said after who knows how long. Regulus had forgotten that he was here, and the tears had already started falling.
He couldn’t respond. He was frozen, trying to stop crying. It was too late though, because once he started there really was no stopping. Regulus has never cried in front of James before, but he is not surprised to learn that he’s the nurturing type. The exact opposite of Regulus. He just stands there awkwardly when people cry, unsure what to say or do, and knowing that if he tries he’ll just make it worse.
“Can I-”
“Don’t,” Regulus said quickly, shaking his head and trying not to throw up. He couldn’t handle James touching him right now. “Just don’t.”
“Okay,” James said softly, just watching as Regulus lowered himself to the ground, curling in on himself.
This was why he refused to cry in front of James. Regulus couldn’t think straight and suddenly everything became too much for him to regulate. His clothes were too tight, his eyes were too wet, his skin was too dry. Everything was just wrong.
“Okay,” James said again, sitting down next to Regulus, no questions asked.
Regulus hated him.
Regulus really, really wanted to hate him.
“Do you want your rings off?” James asked, watching the way Regulus’ hands were shaking a bit. He couldn’t do it himself, and he hated that James knew he wanted it.
Regulus held his hand out, not making eye contact with James while he just tried to breathe. James slid the rings off of Regulus’ fingers very carefully, with more care than Regulus deserved to be handled with.
“You should leave,” Regulus managed, head between his knees. James was still just… he was just holding Regulus’ hand, and Regulus didn’t even mind. James’ hand was warm and Regulus was crying and James was there. James was sitting there and Regulus shouldn’t let him be. Because he can’t give James what he wants, and he certainly can’t give James what he deserves.
“Not yet,” James informed him. Regulus was too tired to argue.
“This doesn’t change anything,” Regulus told him, letting himself move a bit closer to James. Not touching him, holding his hand was already enough. Almost too much. Almost.
“I know, Reg. This is just a friend helping a friend.”
And because James was good, and because he was far too good to Regulus, James stayed until Regulus stopped crying. He stayed there, holding Regulus’ hand, not even blaming him for the things he said earlier. He didn’t even bring them up. He just quietly spoke about Chicago. Regulus learned that it’s his favorite city, and Regulus feels a little like he’s ruining it for him.
Regulus could not date James. He couldn’t, not in good conscience. And while he normally did not care about whether or not he was doing the right thing, this was James. Regulus couldn’t afford to ruin James like he ruins everything else.
But he could try and be friends. Very distant and not close friends.
It already hurts, but if it was better for James, then Regulus would do it. For James, he could do it.