Confessional
James was starting to think that he was a genius. The idea for this dinner? His best idea yet.
It took a bit of orchestrating on his part, but he ended directly opposite of Regulus, just one seat over. He was sitting next to Barty, and he wouldn’t switch. But he also very openly gestured to the empty seat next to him.
Regulus looked at him once. Well, it was really more of a glare, but James was taking what he could get at this point. He was going to force Regulus to have a proper conversation with him before he left. He wanted to do it tonight, but he didn’t see any opportunity for it.
Sirius was on the other side of James, but he was playing footy with Remus and being absolutely disgusting. Peter and Benjy, however, were directly across from James and looking more than slightly awkward. At this point everyone knew, but this was the first time they were open about it in a group setting.
James felt it was his job to make them comfortable. The slight issue with that was that James has had a couple of drinks, and Regulus was seated literally inches away and not speaking to him at all, and he was sitting next to James’ father, and they were having a conversation that James couldn’t hear. So, needless to say, he was off his game.
“Benjy!” James said, perhaps a bit too loudly. It got their attention though, and that was all James set out to do.
They smiled. “James.”
“You know, I play the guitar too?” James said, trying to find something they had in common. He could talk about guitar for hours, so it felt like a safe enough topic of conversation.
Peter gave James a very wide eyed look, but he ignored it.
“Yeah,” Benjy said with a laugh. “Yeah, I did know that.”
James beamed. He didn’t talk to Benjy a whole lot, but he did think that they were very cool. They had dark, smooth skin and just a really easy going smile. They were also tall. Not as tall as James or Remus, but they were close. Honestly, James was proud of Peter for pulling someone as good looking as Benjy. Peter himself was a catch, James was the first to say that, but Benjy was out of everyone’s league.
“Prongs, you’re drooling,” Sirius said, nudging him.
James hadn’t even realized he was staring, but he couldn’t help it. He just liked to look at pretty people, and all of his friends fell into that category.
He cleared his throat, wiping at the corners of his mouth just in case. “Well, we should play together sometime,” James said. He didn’t feel embarrassed. Besides, everyone knew how James was basically in love with Regulus. So, even if Benjy wasn’t dating Peter, James was too preoccupied to even think about him in that way.
In fact, he snuck a glance at Regulus, completely surprised to find that Regulus was glaring at him again. He looked away immediately when he caught James’ eye, still listening to what Fleamont was saying. James’ heart picked up a little bit just at the thought of Regulus looking at him. He considered this to be progress.
“Yeah, that’d be cool,” they said with a nod.
“Do you write?” James asked. He was surprised how little he actually knew about Benjy. They were all on tour together and now James felt bad for not spending more time with them. He spent a lot of time with Marlene, but that’s because they’ve been close for ages. The more James thought about it, the less he knew about their opening act.
Benjy nodded. “Yeah, sometimes.”
“Lyrics or just chords?”
“Both. It depends on my mood.”
“What’s that mean?” he asked, simply wanting to know more. One of James’ favorite things was to just get to know people. Everyone had their own stories and their own little quirks, it was fun learning new things about people.
“Umm,” Benjy said after taking a drink off their water. “Writing chords is something I can do when I don’t want to think. I can just focus on how technical it all is. And writing lyrics is the opposite, I guess,” they explained.
Peter was looking at them with a lovesick expression, and it was very easy for James to see how the two of them worked together. Peter tended to have a bit of a harder exterior, but really he was just a softy. He could pretend he hated love and affection all he wanted; it was obvious to James that it wasn’t true. It just had to be with the right person.
“How’s it going with the whole ‘overthrowing management’ thing?” Benjy asked.
James glanced at Sirius for just a split second. They haven’t really brought the idea up to Peter and Remus yet, not completely. It was mostly just a thing in passing. Peter and Remus wanted out just as badly, if not more. So they wanted to have a plan set before they got them involved. Although, from the sounds of it, Peter was already aware and Remus barely reacted.
“The what?” Effie asked, leaning forward in her chair.
So, maybe James hasn’t been updating her completely. But he knew that she would just worry that they were doing something illegal, or something that would ruin their careers, etc. James’ cheeks were already a bit flushed from the alcohol, and he looked down at his plate a bit guiltily.
“Do you have a lawyer?” Monty asked.
Sirius cleared his throat. “We do, yeah.”
“One outside of your management?” Effie said.
James nodded. They hired one specifically for this. “Yeah, they’re supposed to get back to us by the end of next week.”
Benjy caught James’ eye and mouthed sorry.
James shook his head, waving it off. It wasn't a big deal. His parents just wanted to make sure he was safe and being smart, and he was, so there was no harm.
“So,” James said to change the topic, “any new songs in the work?” James asked Benjy.
Before he could answer though, everyone heard the sound of a chair scraping against wood. When James looked he was more than a little bit surprised to see Regulus walking away angrily, everyone watching him go for a long moment. Nobody really knew what to say, and Sirius was just as confused as James.
He frowned, looking at Barty for an answer. “Is he okay?”
Barty sighed. “Potter, if you don’t go talk to that boy right fucking now-”
“What?”
“Follow him.”
And so, James did. What else could he have done, truly? He was working on autopilot when he followed Regulus outside. He had walked around the corner and was already pulling out a cigarette when James found him.
Regulus let out a loud groan and hit his head against the brick, muttering something under his breath. James was still too far away to hear it.
“Reg?”
He turned his head in less than a second, his body language changing completely. “My name is Regulus.”
“Are you alright?”
“Do you even care?”
James was taken aback. Of course he cared. “Yes.”
“I’m fine. Go away.”
That was the last thing that James wanted to do. And they were in public space after all, it wasn't like Regulus could force him to. “No,” James said before he could even think about it. Regulus has been in charge here the entire time, and James has been fine with it. He doesn’t mind if he has to chase Regulus a little, but they’ve gone around in circles far too long now. They needed to talk. And maybe James couldn’t handle it when people don’t like him, but he also really, really likes Regulus, and he just wants Regulus to like him too. Even if it is just as friends.
“No?”
“I don’t want to.”
Regulus looked James in the eye for a moment, his gaze leveling. “Fine, I’ll leave then.”
And James couldn’t let that happen either.
“No, wait. Please,” James said, almost reaching out to grab him before remembering that Regulus didn’t like to be touched, not without warning at least. He kept his hands to himself, putting them behind his back to physically restrain himself. Just in case.
And Regulus did wait, he turned back around, arms crossed just to show even more how closed off he was. “What?”
“I… We need to talk.”
“We don’t.”
“We do,” James argued.
Regulus took a deep breath, officially lighting the cigarette now. James thought this was good news, that meant he was planning on staying for a minute. “What is there to talk about? We talked already.”
“I just think you have the wrong idea-”
“Why don’t you just go talk to Benjy some more? I mean if you’re so insistent on talking,” Regulus interrupted, giving James a challenging look.
He tilted his head in confusion.”Benjy? What do they have to do with anything?”
Regulus shrugged. “You were more than content to talk to them at dinner.”
“Well I would have rather talked to you,” James said honestly. Benjy was great, but nobody could compare to the way Regulus makes him feel. Even here when he’s being incredibly stubborn and closed off to everything James was saying, James just loves talking to him. “But you’ve been avoiding me for weeks, so.”
Regulus didn’t answer at first, and James knew he was right. James was the one who kept reaching out and getting no answer, not Regulus.
“I didn’t want to talk to you.”
“And now?” James asked, trying not to get his hopes up.
Regulus broke eye contact for a moment, looking up at the sky and blowing out smoke. He didn’t respond right away, biting the inside of his cheek and thinking before. “I’d rather you talk to me than Benjy.”
James couldn’t help but grin. They were on the same page there, at least. “Are you jealous?”
Regulus glared again; James thought he looked beautiful. “No. Shut up.”
“You’re jealous.”
“I’m not.”
“You are, it’s cute.”
“Stop.”
James took a deep breath, reeling it in. He didn’t want to scare Regulus away already, and James was content with the fact that Regulus was in fact jealous. It was more than enough for him to just know it, even without the confirmation. Maybe there was a chance they could reconcile their friendship.
“Okay,” he said softly. Regulus just looked so pretty in this lighting, even if he was just wearing pajamas. Honestly he looked so comfortable and just cuddly, it was driving James a bit insane, actually.
“Stop looking at me.”
“That’s a lot to ask.”
“James, what do you want?”
“I want to talk.”
“Well, now’s your chance.”
James already knew that this was his chance, so he didn’t understand why he was completely messing it up. This was the very moment he’s been trying to get to for weeks.
“I’m sorry,” James said. “I am. I didn’t mean to make things weird and I get that you’re mad at me. But, I mean we can still be friends, can’t we?” James asked. He didn’t understand why they couldn’t just be friends.
Regulus was looking at him. James knew that he had his undivided attention, and it was scary. Exciting, but scary.
“I can’t be your friend,” Regulus said after a very long and calculated moment.
James felt his stomach drop. Was he really that bad to be around? James knew he could be a little bit too much for people at times, and he tried to dial it back. “What? Why?”
Regulus shook his head, starting to walk away again.
James couldn’t do this again though. He just needed to know why, he needed to know what was wrong with him.
“Regulus, stop.”
“I’m not having this conversation with you,” he said.
“Stop, just stop,” James said, his voice having enough emotion in it to actually make Regulus stop. It wasn’t intentional, it just happened. Regulus turned around. “Just… can you just tell my why? I don’t understand what I did.”
Regulus frowned. “Nothing, James. Just drop it.”
“Why do you hate me? I don’t get it. I thought that we were friends and then… what? Now we just aren’t.”
“Precisely.”
“What’s wrong with me?”
Regulus froze, taking in James’ demeanor. He was close to crying, and maybe it was only because he had too much to drink, but it was still true. “James, stop.”
“No, really. What makes it so hard for you to be friends with me?”
“James-”
“I just need to know. I will drop it after this, I promise. I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you really want. But can you just tell me what I need to fix?”
“Stop. You… you’re fine. You don’t need to fix anything.”
“Clearly, I do.”
Regulus took a deep, frustrated breath. “No, it’s- James it’s not that. It’s not you.”
“Then what is it? You?”
“Yes.”
“What does that mean?”
Regulus dropped his cigarette, putting it out with the sole of his shoe. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Well, but it does, actually. Why can’t we be friends?”
James was desperate. Really and truly. He would probably never rest until he found out what he did that made Regulus hate him this much.
“Because I like you, idiot! Okay? And I can’t be your friend when the only thing that I have been able to think about is you. That’s all I’ve done. Think. Do you even know how much fucking space you occupy in my mind? It’s infuriating and I hate you so much for it; I really do. So we can’t be friends. I cannot be your friend, so just stop!”
James froze. Regulus turned around and was leaving very quickly and James couldn’t even move. His brain still hadn’t properly caught up. Regulus thinks about him? Regulus likes him? As in…
Oh.
Oh, James has gone about this all wrong. He thought that Regulus was upset because they kissed, because he only wanted friendship, and that James ruined it. But that wasn’t the case at all.
Regulus likes him. Regulus had wanted James to kiss him. He wanted James to stay.
How didn’t he notice?
How could he have been so stupid?
Really, he was stupid. James thought it had all been one sided. But all of the blushes and the small moments where he let James touch him. When James would hear his breath catch or he would smile at something James said. When he was jealous of the waitress. Really just that entire night in Vegas. From the award show to the conversations to the game of twenty-one questions. Regulus had opened up to James after explicitly telling him that he didn’t open up to people. James hadn’t realized how lucky he really was.
He went through every single encounter he’s ever had with Regulus. Maybe it wasn’t James’ fault for not noticing sooner; Regulus was very subtle in the ways he showed affection. But the signs were there, and if James had just opened his eyes a little bit wider then he could have seen them.
James went back inside with a newfound confidence and a pep in his step. This was great. James knew how to fix this. Actually, it was perfect, because James felt the same way. He just needed to find Regulus first and tell him that.
He wasn’t surprised to learn that he left dinner early, but James wasn’t even mad. Regulus was staying with them for the next couple of days. James would find his opportunity.
Sirius’ gaze was cold when he made eye contact with James. “What did you do?” he asked.
James smiled, undeterred. He gave Sirius a kiss on the top of his head. “Don’t even worry, sweetcakes.”
“Prongs-”
“No, really. Things are great.”
“I asked you not to talk to him until things were fixed.”
James frowned, pulling back a little. “In the car you told me that things were better.”
“Better isn’t fixed,” Sirius told him, and James felt his face and stomach drop, again. How does he keep doing this? He’s so bad at interpreting words and body language that it’s actually ruining all of his relationships.
“Oh. Fuck. Pads, I’m sorry,” James said, realizing that he messed up again. He kept messing up. “I thought that’s what you meant, really. I’m sorry.”
Sirius frowned at him. “Prongs? Are you okay?”
James felt tears threatening to fall again. Nobody had sincerely asked him that in a long time, and James realized he wasn’t okay. He thought that he was, and he was happy that Regulus liked him. It was exactly what he wanted. But everything in his life still felt like such a mess.
He just shook his head no a little bit, scared that if he said something he actually would start crying.’
Sirius stood up. “Come with me.”
***
Regulus walked away from James as quickly as possible.
Why the fuck did he say that?
Fuck.
Regulus was going to die; he’s convinced of it. This was going to be the end of him, and he could only be mad at himself.
“What are you doing?” Sirius asked when Regulus put a 100 dollar bill on the table. It was more than enough to cover his meal, which was maybe about seventy dollars.
Regulus was fuming. He was angry and he was embarrassed and he needed to leave before James followed him inside.
This was why Regulus thought before he spoke. This was why he had been so careful around James this entire time. Because now there was no going back. James wouldn’t want to be his friend anymore, in fact he probably wouldn’t want anything to do with Regulus at all. James would just think he was being weird and creepy every time they spoke after this. And Regulus couldn’t even blame him for thinking that. Regulus was always thinking about James in that way.
And now James knew.
Regulus thought he was going to throw up.
“You alright mate?” Benjy asked, the reminder of them not helping Regulus’ upchuck reflex.
Regulus glared at them. Stupid Benjy. Of course James would take a liking to them, they were the opposite of everything that Regulus was. They were bright and happy and normal. The exact kind of person James should be with. Regulus knew Benjy was with Peter and that they were happy, but he saw the way James was interacting with them. Fuck, he was practically drooling over them, and Regulus couldn’t say anything about it because it wasn’t his place. James was not his boyfriend and he never would be, so he had nothing to even be jealous of.
“I’m fine,” he managed. “I’m leaving.”
That was the only word he gave before leaving the restaurant. He didn’t even have to turn around to know that Barty and Evan were going to be close behind him. And for once he was fine with letting them comfort him. Regulus wasn’t used to feeling like this. He felt…
Well, he felt sad. And he was angry and he hated James because he looked so fucking good tonight. It was one of the only reasons the words had even slipped out of this mouth tonight. All of that time he spent tiptoeing around and choosing his words carefully ended up being for nothing, because James found out anyway. Regulus figured he would figure it out eventually, but he hoped that would be forty years from now to give him time to hopefully get over James, not right now when he was still embarrassingly into James.
And, Regulus felt jealous. Jealousy was not normally a new feeling. He has spent his whole being jealous of one person or another, no matter how much he tried not to. He was even jealous of James for a time, just for how close he was to Sirius. But this situation was new. It’s never been like this. James made him jealous by proving just how many people he could have at the snap of his fingers. Sure, Benjy was with Peter, but it wasn’t really about Benjy. It was about James just being far too good for Regulus.
Regulus knows that this has gone too far now. Having feelings is one thing, but confessing them? That’s just not something that Regulus does. Ever. Why did he do that? It was now easily number one on the list of the most stupid things he’s ever done, and dating Barty is on that list, which just shows that Regulus has always been an idiot when it comes to men. But he just couldn’t handle James talking about himself like that; thinking it was his fault or that he had done something wrong. It was heartbreaking, actually. For all of his talk, James was a lot more self conscious than he let on. Regulus just has a heightened sense for that sort of thing so, he noticed it almost immediately.
When Regulus was outside he handed the ticket to a valet. He was now glad that his control issues forced him to be the one to hold onto it. It made for a much quicker getaway.
Barty and Evan came outside while Regulus was waiting. Well, he was hiding, more accurately. He was sitting against the side of the building. He didn’t want to be easily found just in case James decided to come looking.
“Do we have to kill him now?” Barty asked, putting an arm around Regulus’ shoulder. Evan was already fishing out a pack of cigarettes, giving one to Regulus. It was time now to admit that he did have an addiction to them, he wouldn’t feel calm until he had one between his fingers.
Regulus thought he would give them up in a heartbeat for James.
Regulus hated that he thought that.
“Can you kill me instead?” he asked.
Barty laughed. “Oh Reggie, but then who would carry the humor?” he joked.
Regulus took one more moment to mope. He let his shoulders sag and the corners of his mouth drop. He let his throat close up as he looked down at the ground, head between his knees. He let himself be sad for a moment. Regulus wondered if he would have had a shot if he was just different.
For just that one moment he let himself feel and think about all of it.
And then he looked up, cleared his throat, and made a decision. “Still up for drinks?” he asked, referencing the conversation he had with Evan earlier in the afternoon.
Evan smiled, looking at Barty for a moment. They all were supposed to be on a plane early in the morning, but Regulus has accomplished more after a night, so he wasn’t worried.
“You sure? Last time we went out for drinks you got outed,” Barty said.
“I can’t exactly get outed twice,” Regulus told him as the car pulled around.
They went to a bar rather than a club. Regulus wasn’t in the mood for extremely loud pop music and dancing. He just wanted alcohol and a place to forget about James. He knew better than to try and hook up with someone. He was still dealing with the guilt from when he had sex with Edgar, and he didn’t need a repeat of that.
Evan and Barty weren’t pushing him to talk, but they didn’t even need to. Just a couple of drinks in and Regulus was telling them everything. He used to think that he wasn’t a dramatic person; he knows now that that isn’t true.
“He’s the worst,” Regulus said. “I hate him,” he lied. He’s grown enough to know that he’s been lying about that the whole time. He doesn’t hate James and he never has- although, hating him would have made this whole feelings business much easier.
“What happened?” Evan asked.
Regulus groaned, hitting his head against the bar and just leaving it there for a minute. “I’m so stupid.”
He could feel Barty and Evan silently communicating above him, but he didn't have the energy to lift his head to figure out what they were saying. Regulus knew he was being pitiful and feeling sorry for himself, and he knew he already gave himself that window of time to feel this way, but it wasn’t going away and he didn’t know what to do.
“Did he say something?”
Regulus finally lifted his head, both of his friends surrounding him on either side and creating a little cocoon of safety. Sometimes, and only sometimes, Regulus just needed to feel smothered. He needed something touching him everywhere. He didn’t understand it. Most of the time Regulus hated to be touched and he hated to feel like he was trapped. Barty has always known when he needs it though, even before Regulus does.
“He wants to be friends,” Regulus told them. He hated the word. He wanted to be so much more than just friends with James.
“He said that?” Barty asked.
Regulus nodded. “And then I told him I liked him.”
“You what?” Evan blurted out.
Regulus didn’t blame them for being surprised. He has never made any sorts of first moves. Regulus just knew how to get what he wanted without ever having to explicitly say it, but most people weren’t James. It was throwing him entirely off his game. He wasn’t used to not getting what he wanted, to put it simply. And maybe thinking that made him spoiled, but it was true. Regulus learned the value of his beauty and he knew exactly how to weaponize it. James was worth more than a couple of tricks though. Regulus wasn’t batting his eyelashes at him or anything. He didn’t want to trick James into liking him, but it was all he knew how to do.
He felt that was a lot, like he tricked people into loving him.
“He asked me what was wrong with him,” he told them. “And I couldn’t let him think that he did anything.”
“What did he say?”
Oh, they were not going to like this. “I left before he could say anything,” Regulus told them. He had a tendency to leave things unresolved because it was easier. He didn’t need James validating that it was okay or telling Regulus that he was flattered. He knew how the conversation would go.
Evan sighed deeply. “Regulus. How many times-”
“Literally what the fuck?” Barty interrupted.
They were both looking at Regulus like he was an idiot- which was fair. “Hey, what happened to comforting me?”
“That was before we found out you did something stupid again,” Evan said.
“What else did you expect me to do?”
“Maybe listen,” Barty suggested. He held his hands up in defense after the look that Regulus gave him.
“I cannot be his friend, Barty. I can’t look at him and pretend…”
Evan smirked. “Go on, say it.”
“No.”
“Pretend what?” Barty asked.
“Pretend he’s not in love with him,” Evan said.
Regulus didn’t say a word. He wasn't in love, he refused to be in love with someone who didn’t even like him. It was embarrassing and gross and Regulus was not in love.
“Oh,” Barty said.
“Shut up. I’m not…” Regulus couldn’t even say it. He couldn’t even say the word love out loud, in front of two of his best friends. How could he ever expect to love James in the right way?
Maybe this was for the best. Regulus doesn’t really want a relationship anyway.
“I’m going to the bathroom,” Regulus said, jumping off the stool. He was drunk now, so he was a bit wobbly, but he did eventually find the bathroom.
He stood in front of the mirror for what was probably a couple of minutes,just looking at himself. It was hard for his eyes to stay focused and he kept splashing water on himself, trying to get out of the self pitying mindset he put himself in.
It didn’t work so of course he went on Instagram and looked at James’ profile. He used to not even have the app downloaded on his phone and let Dorcas deal with all of his social media, but he found recently that he liked how easy it was to just see James.
Regulus knew he messed things up, and he needed to apologize. He needed to beg James to even be friendly with him again. He wasn’t sure he could handle just being James’ friend, but he doubted he could handle not having him in his life at all.
He called James’ number.
***
Sirius dragged James out of the restaurant under the ruse that they were taking a smoke break.
“I’m sorry,” James said, breaking the silence. He felt horrible. His stomach was twisted in knots because he did the one thing that Sirius asked him not to do. All James had to do was wait, exercise a bit of patience and ease into trying to talk to Regulus.
“I’m not mad at you,” Sirius said, his expression one of confusion.
“You’re not?”
“Prongs. What’s wrong?”
James froze for just a second. “Nothing’s wrong,” he said, the words practiced and rehearsed in his head a million times over. He’d gotten so used to lying and covering up the truth that he didn’t even think about it anymore. He didn’t even consciously realize that he was talking to his best friend in the entire world; his brother.
“Something is wrong. You’ve been so miserable recently.”
“What? No, I haven’t,” James said, unable to stop lying. He had to be okay. James was the stable one and he had to be that way for Sirius. He was someone that Sirius was confident he could lean on without knocking both of them down.
“You have. And I know it’s not just Regulus being stubborn that’s got you down. And I know that you’re not okay, so what’s wrong?”
James felt his bottom lip start to wobble, and he knew he was about to cry. He was long overdue and he was exhausted. He felt like his life was spent making sure everyone else was okay, and he was more than happy to do it. He took comfort in the fact that he was helpful and that he gave good advice.
Sirius did not hesitate to pull James in for a hug, and James did not hesitate to accept it. James’ parents have always shown their love through things like simple touches and adoring words, and that’s what James has learned to do too.
So, hugging Sirius- just hugging in general- made James feel a lot better. James knew there were two constants in his life; his parents and Sirius. At the end of the day that was all he really needed, which was why he hated letting any of them down.
“I- I keep messing everything up,” James said, his voice breaking in between words.. Sirius wasn’t pulling away and neither was James. He needed a hug more than he thought he did.
“What?”
“I can’t do anything right and I don’t know what’s going on. I’ve been a bad friend and bad son and I’ve… I keep disappointing everyone and I don’t know what to do.”
Sirius actually did pull back this time, forcing James to look him in the eye. It was a bit hard from how his eyes were all welled up with tears. Sirius wiped away the ones that were falling down his cheeks. “What are you talking about?”
“I should’ve told you about Regulus.”
“James-”
“No. I should have. And I’m a bad friend for not doing it.”
“Stop,” Sirius said, his voice so forceful that James actually did stop. “You are the best friend I could ever ask for. I mean, for fucks sake James, you’re my brother, my family. You’ve been there for me always, and I should be sorry for not being there for you in the same way.”
“You are,” James affirmed. He would be nowhere without Sirius. He was the other half of his soul.
Sirius waved him off. “And I understand why you didn’t tell me.”
“You do?”
“Falling in love is scary. I waited forever to tell you about Remus.”
“Remus isn’t my brother.”
“That isn’t the point.”
James took a shaky deep breath. “I feel really bad,” he admitted. Since he realized he had feelings for Regulus he’s had a pit in his stomach.
“Don’t.”
James snorted through his tears. “Oh right, cause it’s that easy.”
“I’m serious.” James cracked a smile and Sirius let out a frustrated sigh. “Do not make a joke.”
“I wasn’t going to.”
“You were thinking about it though.”
“You were too.”
Sirius rolled his eyes. “Are you going to let me have my moment now?”
James smiled. Sirius always knew how to make him smile when it felt impossible. “Your moment?”
“My heartfelt gushy moment.”
“Oh, of course. Go ahead.”
“Good. As I was saying, James. You do not need to feel bad, not about this. Your feelings were new and they were scary and that was why I never brought it up first. I know you think that you’re good at hiding things, but your face says it all. I knew. From the beginning, basically. ”
James studied Sirius for a moment. “You knew what?”
Sirius grinned. “You think I can’t tell when you have a crush?”
James could feel himself start to blush. Labeling it as a crush felt too small and juvenile to even begin to explain all that he felt for Regulus. “Oh.”
“And… well, you do like when people are mean to you.”
“What? I do not.”
Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Really? Remember Remus’ rebellious era?”
“Yes,” James said with a small smile. Remus tried to go through an emo phase when they were in school where he acted like a complete and total asshole to everyone.
“You were drooling over him in those doc martens.”
“So were you,” James said defensively. He couldn’t help that Remus is extremely good looking, always has been.
Sirius shrugged. “Yes, well. We’ve already established I’ve been hopelessly in love with him forever. My point is, you have a type.”
“Mean people?”
“Yes.”
“Regulus isn’t mean.”
Sirius rolled his eyes. “He is a bit.”
“He’s kind of lovely.” Sirius cringed and James remembered that he was talking about Sirius’ brother right now. “Sorry.”
“Whatever. We keep getting off track. Prongs, brother. I love you. I am here for you. You have not disappointed anybody and you haven’t done anything wrong. Mistakes are human, and you are human. And that’s okay, because nobody expects you to be perfect.”
“Oh,” James said softly, the words hitting him harder than he thought they would. It was almost exactly what he needed to hear. A reminder that he hadn’t screwed everything up and that everyone else was just as confused and lost as he was.
“You good?”
James nodded. “Now can we talk about you?”
“Me?”
“You just told me you’re in love with Remus Lupin,” James said with a smirk.
Sirius groaned and rested his head on James’ shoulder. “Prongs, it’s a mess. I’m a mess.”
After their conversation, James felt better. And he could be excited about Regulus again, already forming a plan in his head while he listened to Sirius gush about Remus. Overall, James thought that he was starting to feel happy again.
***
James didn’t answer the phone and Regulus frowned.
James always answered whenever he called. Regulus has always been able to get ahold of James whenever he has wanted to. He knew he was being a hypocrite, especially considering just how many phone calls of James’ that he ignored completely.
But Regulus was drunk and he wanted to talk to James.
He waited for the voicemail message, smiling to himself at the sound of James’ voice and waiting for the beep.
Regulus giggled a little when he heard it. “Hi, James. You didn’t answer me,” he said, pouting to himself and spinning around the bathroom. “Why didn’t you answer me? I know how you felt now. When I didn’t answer your phone calls. But I couldn’t. You wouldn’t get it. Whatever. Anyway, moving on. Oh, yeah, you looked really, really pretty today. Like, unfairly. You know? And I saw some of the show. That was nice too. You have a good voice, I don’t know if I ever told you that before, but it’s true. I could listen to you sing for ages. Oh, and I’m sorry that I made things weird. That… I didn’t mean to do that. I shouldn’t have done that. I mean, it was true, but I shouldn’t have said anything.”
Regulus got distracted by a knocking at the door. He opened it to see Barty.
“Hi, Bartemius! Want to say hi to James?”
Barty’s eyes widened. “Tell me you are not on the phone with James right now.”
Regulus smiled at the sound of James’ name. “James. He’s the worst. I mean, who gets to be like that? He just… Ugh, he’s so frustrating.”
“Reg, give me the phone.”
He shook his head. “No. I’m trying to talk to James.”
“You’ll thank me, Regulus, really.”
“I like him,” Regulus said, his heart breaking at how true it was. “And he didn’t pick up the phone. Why didn’t he pick up the phone? Even after I told him that? He could at least let me know that he doesn’t want to speak to me again, instead of ignoring me.”
“Are you not talking to him?”
“Voicemail. I got sent to voicemail.”
Barty sighed a breath of relief, but Regulus pulled the phone away from his ear and let the voicemail send. He could barely even remember what he said anymore, but he didn’t care if James heard it. He wanted James to hear it and to know the truth.
“What did you do?”
“It’s fine,” Regulus insisted.
“You’re going to hate yourself in the morning. Come on, we’re going to bed.”
“I want to go to bed with James.”
“I know, love.”
He was hit with just how much he wanted to do that. Docile and innocent, he just wanted to lay with somebody and feel their warmth, and James was always so fucking warm. And he wanted to let James lazily trace patterns in his skin and let himself be touched in such a sweet and pure way. He wanted to handle and be handled with care. Regulus wasn’t built for any of that, but he craved it. Deeply and carnally, that was what he wanted.
Barty led him out of the bar with the help of Evan, and that was honestly the last thing he remembered before he fell asleep.
***
After struggling to open his eyes for almost twenty minutes, James finally rolled over in bed.
When he opened his phone he was surprised to see that he had a missed call from Regulus. James was certain that he was going to be the one to reach out first, especially considering the way Regulus disappeared from dinner.
James froze when he saw there was a voicemail.
Regulus left him a voicemail.
He sat up, suddenly wide awake.
This could either be very good, or very bad. James was unfortunately expecting the latter, but there was still that small twinge of hope in the bottom of his stomach. It was from the middle of the night, and James knew enough to know that Regulus had gone out drinking with Evan and Barty.
He was nervous.
James got out of bed and walked over to the other one where Peter was still sleeping. James was in charge of waking him up anyway, and he was also not ready to listen to it yet.
He spent the entirety of the morning going between packing up his things and opening his phone to almost play the voicemail. James was nervously chewing on his fingernails and it got so bad that Peter sighed dramatically and stole James’ phone for the remainder of the time.
He tried to give his parents his full attention while they said goodbye, but he couldn’t help but be distracted. Regulus was there, and he had so clearly just rolled out of bed. He wasn’t looking at James, which wasn’t surprising, but James was hoping that the look on his face would have given him a clue as to what was in the voicemail. Regulus revealed nothing.
“Are you okay?” Sirius asked after Effie and Monty left.
Regulus had already started walking toward the elevator and James’ mind wasn’t working fast enough to tell him to catch up.
“He sent me a voicemail,” James said, relieved that he could talk about it with Sirius. James wasn’t going to tell him everything, in fact he hadn’t even told Sirius about what Regulus admitted to him. But these things James could talk about.
Sirius frowned. “Who the fuck sends voicemails?”
James shrugged, eyes still focused on Regulus’ retreating body. “Your brother.”
“What did he say?”
“I haven’t listened to it yet.”
When James turned his head it was to see Sirius staring at him. “What?”
“Well, he was drunk last night, you know? What if it’s bad?”
“What exactly did you say to him last night?”
“It isn’t about what I said,” James mumbled before he could stop himself.
Sirius raised an eyebrow, but James shook his head. He couldn't tell Sirius, not yet. He still felt bad about talking to Regulus before Sirius fixed things with him. James understood why he had asked it of him, and Regulus was likely to be more open to having a conversation with James when he wasn’t fuming at Sirius.
“Okay, fine.”
“Fine?”
“I am no longer asking you not to talk to him.”
James froze. “What?”
“It wasn’t fair of me to ask in the first place.”
“I wasn’t mad,” James told him. He didn’t think Sirius was being all that unfair.
“I know. That’s because you’re unfairly well adjusted.”
James laughed a little. “Sirius, what are you talking about?”
He shook his head. “No, never mind. Just… Regulus and I are fine with each other now and you guys… getting together,” Sirius said with a grimace, “well, it wouldn’t really change anything. For me. I mean.”
“Sirius Orion Black, are you giving me your blessing?” James teased.
“James Fleamont Potter, I guess I am. Not that you needed it, really.”
James nodded. “I know, but it’s nice to have.”
***
Regulus didn’t like being woken up on a good day, but he absolutely hated the fact that it was his brother shaking him awake after very few hours of sleep.
“Go away.”
“Potter’s are leaving. And we have to go to the airport.”
“Shut up.”
Sirius sighed, but he wasn’t leaving. Instead he started walking around the room and packing everything up. Regulus didn’t get hungover a lot, but he thought it was safe to say that that’s what was happening. He couldn’t keep his eyes open for very long because of the throbbing headache, and he regretted drinking so much.
“Advil on the table.”
Regulus didn’t bother saying thank you as he sat up. Barty and Evan were over in the bed next to him, still sleeping. Not for much longer with the way Sirius was banging around the room. They were practically laying on top of each other in their sleep, and Regulus sort of hated them for being in a happy relationship. And he was also sort of sickeningly happy for them.
Sirius woke them up though and told them the cars were leaving for the airport soon. Regulus had to get out of bed before them and go say goodbye to the Potter’s. He almost wanted to just skip it, but then Sirius told him that they requested a farewell from him specifically, and who was he to deny them?
There was just the slight problem that James was already there. Regulus forgot that he would ever have to see him again. After what he admitted at the restaurant… Well, Regulus would not meet his eye.
He let Effie and Monty hug him, and they did it quickly and at the same time. Regulus was the one who pulled away, but he was glad that they cared about him enough to want to say goodbye. He hadn’t thought he made that much of an impression on them.
“It was lovely to see you again, Regulus,” Effie said with a warm smile. He had her full attention and he was not used to such a kind gaze from a motherly figure. He still couldn’t believe that parents like these actually existed.
“Yeah, you too,” Regulus said, his voice a bit too tight. He didn’t know how to be genuine, but he was trying.
“One more hug?” Effie asked, holding her arms out. Regulus nodded, letting her wrap his arms around him because he was selfish and lacked motherly love. “Take care of yourself,” she whispered in his ear. Something private and secret just for him. It made him want to take her advice that much more.
Monty patted him on the shoulder one last time. “It was nice chatting with you, son,” Monty said. They spent a lot of time at dinner talking about different books, mostly. It was nice to just have a conversation that was purely theoretical; Monty has a lot of good ideas. And it was nice to be called son, even if Regulus would never admit that out loud.
Regulus gave him a tight smile and nodded, managing another goodbye.
James kept trying to catch his eye and Regulus was not having it. He was committed to avoiding James as much as humanly possible. He would surround himself with people if he had to, and he was glad he actually had something to do while they were in Chicago. He couldn’t be trusted if all he was going to do was wait in a hotel room all day for James to come knocking.
On the plane, Regulus took the aisle seat so he wouldn’t feel so trapped. He sat as far away from James as he could get. Unsurprisingly, James was a window seat type of person. Just more proof that they were opposites in every single way.
The flight was long and boring. Regulus tried to sleep, but he had always had problems with sleeping even in a bed. Sitting upright and next to the loudest snorer in the world made the idea of sleep impossible. Evan had put headphones in while Barty slept, letting him rest his head on his shoulder. At first, Regulus hadn’t understood their relationship. They didn’t seem to ebb and flow in the right way for a relationship to work, but that was because Regulus never saw them like this. He had never seen them when Barty was actually quiet and Evan was able to be loud. He didn’t see the small moments of love like this, but now that he had he didn’t really mind the work it would take to become ordained.
They haven’t discussed it, so Regulus doesn’t know if they were serious about having Regulus marry them, but he had done the research on it just in case.
Regulus was just starting to drift off when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He was suddenly on high alert, which only increased when he saw that it was James. His hair was messy from sleep and his eyes were still a bit droopy. His lips were red too, like he kept biting on them. It was hard not to stare.
Regulus did not want to see him, but he also didn’t want to look away. “Leave me alone.”
“Can we talk?”
“I’m tired of talking.”
“Please?”
“I was trying to sleep.”
James sighed, and Regulus hoped he was getting the hint. It was becoming increasingly hard for him to find the courage to even look James in the eye. James knew how Regulus felt now, and it was horrible. He couldn’t take it back and he couldn’t act like he never said it. But he absolutely could not face it, so they were existing in this limbo where neither of them knew what to say to each other. It wasn’t comfortable or easy going any more, and it was Regulus’ fault. He ruined the simplicity of existing with each other, an act that Regulus never would have imagined he wanted a couple of months ago.
“Okay, sorry. Can we talk later?”
“Probably not,” Regulus said, turning away and focusing back on his book. He hadn’t read a single page the entire flight, but he did have the book open just in case he found the concentration. Plus, most people tended to bother him less when it looked like he was reading.
Well, James wasn’t most people. “What are you reading?”
“A book.”
“What’s it called.”
“It’s called ‘Leave Regulus Alone’.”
James smiled a little bit. “Oh, so not something I would be interested in, then,” he said.
Regulus’ heart did not flip. It didn’t. James doesn’t know the effect that his words can have and he doesn’t think before he says things. Regulus could keep his face as stoic as he wanted, but the flush on his cheeks would give him away every single time.
Stupid James Potter.
Why him? He’s too good. Anybody else.
“The reviews for it are fantastic. Everyone else agrees with the message.”
“Guess I’m not like everybody else.”
You’re not. You’re better.
“No time like the present.”
James stood up straighter, meaning he would be leaving soon. “Seriously, can we talk later?”
“Go away, Potter.”
He held his hands up in defense and walked back to his seat, looking back at Regulus before he sat down.
Barty hummed quietly a couple of seconds later. “It’s probably about the call,” he said, eyes still closed.
Regulus frowned. “What call?”
“You called him last night. Left a voicemail.”
Regulus felt his throat go dry. He didn’t black out, per se, but he also could not remember any details. He remembered making a call in the bathroom, but he did not remember that it was to James. A drunken voicemail? Regulus doesn’t even want to know what he said; he doesn’t want to imagine it. He was… well he was feeling bad for himself last night, which he was incredibly embarrassed about now, but that also meant he definitely said some things he regretted. He doesn’t even need to know what they are to know that he regrets them.
But he does need to know what he said, so that he can take all of it back.
Which means he is going to have to talk to James.
Oh, this was just the worst.