balancing act

He didn’t tell them what happened until after his third glass of wine. He had spilled some on his white carpet and been trying to clean it, even if he didn’t care that much. He could just get a new carpet. But he needed something to occupy his hands and Dorcas was already winning the game and he was just so beyond frustrated with everything that had to do with James Potter.

“I don’t think it’s going to come out,” Pandora said softly, clearly noticing that he was on the verge of a breakdown. He refused to let James make him cry. Not again.

“It will,” Regulus said. He was scrubbing at it with a purple towel he’s had for ages and a spot of water. If anything he was only making it worse, spreading out the wine until a larger area of his carpet was pink. She was right, it wasn’t going to work.

Regulus let go of the towel, he hadn’t even realized how hard he was gripping it until Pandora was guiding it out of his hand.

“He kissed me,” Regulus blurted out. He was dying to talk about it, he needed to, actually.

Dorcas and Pandora both froze, but Regulus didn’t even need to clarify. They knew exactly what he was talking about.

“He did?” Pandora asked.

Regulus nodded. “Yes.”

“And? How was it?” Dorcas said.

Regulus groaned, leaning backwards until he was laying on the ground and staring at the ceiling. “It was so good,” he told them honestly. One thing about James, he knew how to snog. He was really, really good at it. Better than Barty, and, before, Regulus was sure that nobody would ever even come close. He was wrong. He was actually so glad he was wrong.

Pandora started laughing. “You like him.”

“I don’t.”

“You do.”

He shook his head. “I’m mad at him.”

“Why?”

He sighed and moved to a more comfortable position, pillowing his head with his hands. “He doesn’t like me,” Regulus said, his voice much smaller than he meant for it to be. He misread all of the signs. He wasn’t used to kindness, especially not the way James showed it. He should have known it was nothing but friendship between them, and he shouldn’t have ruined it.

“The hickey on your neck says otherwise,” Dorcas mused. Regulus could hear the smile on her face.

“Dorcas, he literally ran away from me,” Regulus said, sitting up so he could look at her. “He took one second to think and he was disgusted.”

“I’m sure he wasn’t.”

“You didn’t see his face,” Regulus said. He was the only one who saw the look on James’ face, he was the only one who saw just how much he regretted it. That was why Regulus wasn’t answering any of the messages or the phone calls. He didn’t need James to apologize or explain himself when he already knew exactly what happened.

“Call him.”

“No.”

“Regulus.”

“I don’t want to talk to him,” he said as if it were that simple. It wasn’t. Regulus did want to talk to James, he found that he always wanted to talk to James. But he simply couldn’t. He poured another glass of wine and forced a change of topic. “How’s Marlene?”

Dorcas seemed to be unable to fight the smile on her face, and Regulus knew she would be able to talk for hours about Marlene, despite only knowing her a week. They were on the phone together all of the time and were constantly texting. Since she showed up at Regulus’ flat she’s received at least twenty messages. They were disgustingly happy together.

Regulus was- and he would never admit this out loud- happy for them.

***

James was not scared of Sirius. He could pretend he was scary all he wanted, he could view himself as some sort of monster who deserved nothing because James saw past all of it. He wasn’t scared of Sirius when he was beating up a kid for making fun of Remus’ scars, he wasn’t scared when he saw Sirius tearing apart their room looking for the letter Regulus wrote, he was not scared of him.

But James was absolutely trembling at the thought of telling Sirius what he did. He didn’t think he would care all that much if James had come to him sooner, but it was too late for that.

It was getting worse the longer he waited. They were at sound check for their show later that night, back on the road again already. It’s been over forty eight hours now, and he did not know what to do. Remus kept making very threatening eye contact with him, especially the couple of times Sirius was on the phone with Regulus. Peter was just sitting back and enjoying the show.

James was a bundle of anxious energy, and not the good kind. He couldn’t do anything right during their soundcheck, it was like he completely forgot how to play guitar, all that muscle memory simply vanished.

“Prongs?” Sirius said with a huff after he played the wrong chord progression again. He’d been doing it for the past twenty minutes, they were getting absolutely nothing done. This was the exact reason he didn’t tell lies or keep secrets. He was awful at it, clearly.

“Yeah?” he asked as if he didn’t know exactly what was wrong.

Sirius raised an eyebrow at him. “Did you hurt your hand or something? Get a concussion perhaps?” Sirius asked, trying to find any excuse for why James was actually literally the worst.

James shrugged. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“No?”

“You’re playing like shit,” Peter said into his microphone. He was twirling one of the drumsticks around his fingers with a huge grin on his face.

“Wow, thanks Pete. Really.”

“Anytime, mate.”

“He’s right,” Sirius said, drawing his attention back to him. James needed to tell him. It was eating him up inside, especially when Sirius looked genuinely concerned for him. Everywhere around them people were doing something, there were people working on lights and on sound, some people were tuning the extra instruments, etc. The point was they were not the only ones on stage, and James could not admit this here. He would need to get Sirius alone to hopefully minimize the fallout.

“I’m fine,” James insisted.

He was far from fine. Regulus had not returned a single one of his messages or calls. He had even tried to get Marlene’s help, get her to ask Dorcas for any information. She had, rather aggressively, told him that she would not be getting involved and made him regret asking in the first place.

This, unsurprisingly, did not help. If Regulus wanted nothing to do with him, then fine. But he at least wanted the chance to explain himself or even apologize. Or anything, really. He would be content if Regulus just answered the phone and yelled at him, although that wasn’t his brand. It was much more likely he would just be silent on the other end, but even that was enough.

“You’re not,” Sirius said.

“I am.”

“Prongs.”

“I am .”

“James.”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Sirius,” James said a lot louder than he meant to.

Sirius’ face dropped for just a split second before the mask quickly went back up. James felt his stomach drop. He didn’t yell at his friends, he didn’t like to get angry with them, in fact he hardly ever did. And Sirius didn’t even do anything. He was just trying to care, and James could never let him do that, he didn’t know how to let himself be cared for.

“Pads-”

“No, no it’s fine. We just won’t talk about it,” Sirius interrupted, turning back around and looking up at where Lily was seated. She was testing the sound, or she was trying to.

James sighed as Sirius started counting them down again and he focused on not messing up this time.

He ignored the very obvious looks that Peter and Remus kept sending his way, and even Marlene looked incredibly disappointed in him. But he was scared, he couldn’t lose Sirius over this, and he couldn’t lose Regulus either. Maybe it was unfair and selfish, but he wanted both of them, and he couldn’t find any reason as to why both of them couldn’t be in his life.

“Okay, that’s all I need from you guys!” Lily yelled, giving them a thumbs up.

Sirius had never left the stage faster, and James couldn’t blame him. He can’t remember a time where he’s ever yelled at Sirius, except for that one time in their fifth year where he wholeheartedly deserved it. He needed to hear it. This time though, well Sirius did nothing wrong and James was being an ass and he was aware of it and he knew how to fix it. There was a very clear solution and James was too scared to do it. He didn’t want things to change in any aspect. He wanted Sirius to be his best friend and he wanted Regulus…

He wanted Regulus to be his boyfriend, if he was being honest with himself. Even if he didn’t really know what that would mean for them, or how it would work with James on the road all the time. But it was what he wanted. He was discovering, sooner than he expected, that he probably would not get what he wanted in that aspect.

He could be content with just friendship with Regulus, or at least he would have to learn to be fine with it.

“Prongs, this is getting ridiculous,” Remus told him before following Sirius off the stage.

With all of the strength in him, James did not smash the guitar and instead set it down as gently as he could. Peter clearly wanted to say something but James was gone before he could even open his mouth.

***

James yelled at him. 

Sirius slammed the door to the empty room they all shared. James should have more than enough sense then to follow him right now. There was a bottle of vodka sitting on the coffee table for later, but Sirius decided now was as good a time as any to start drinking. He poured himself a shot, took it, and then took another one right after, chasing it with his half full water bottle from earlier.

Clearly something was wrong, but he was just too fucking angry to deal with it.

He heard the door open again and was ready to cuss out whoever was on the other side of it. At least, that was his plan until he saw that it was Remus. He took one look around the room before stepping in and shutting the door softly behind him. His eyes fell on the vodka but he didn’t comment on it and instead just took the seat next to Sirius.

“Hi, Moony,” he said, resting his head on Remus’ shoulder. He felt instantly calmer when he was here, like he could forget that his best friend was being a dumbass and that his brother was being especially dodgy. 

Remus rested his head on Sirius’. “Hi, Pads.”

“I like this sweater,” Sirius told him, tugging on the fabric a little bit. It smelled like Remus.

Remus breathed out a laugh, one that tickled Sirius’ skin. “You can wear it tonight,” Remus promised him.

“On stage?” he asked hopefully.

“No. After the show.”

Sirius hummed, actually perfectly happy with that plan. “It’s a date.”

Remus was quiet for a moment and Sirius wondered if he said the wrong thing. It was hard to tell when he pushed too far, and they weren’t even established as a couple or anything. The not knowing was killing him, but it was all in Remus’ time, and Sirius would wait as long as he had to.

He was just about to apologize, not meaning to send Remus into a downward spiral about the implications of what he said, when Remus did what he does best. He surprised Sirius.

“We should go on one of those,” he said, his voice sounding more sure than it ever has been.

Sirius lifted his head up, eyes wide and a smile threatening to show exactly what he was thinking. “On what?” he asked, practically pleading for Remus to ask him officially.

“A date.” Remus had a twinkling behind his eyes, but other than that he was completely calm, somehow completely normal about something as big as a first date. Yes, they might have already gone a bit further than a date, but this was just proof that they could still do it right. “Will you go on a date with me?”

“A real one?” he asked, no longer fighting the smile.

Remus leaned his head down and pressed a simple kiss to Sirius’ lips, pulling away before either of them could deepen it. “Yes, a real one.” Sirius nodded over and over again, repeating the word yes like a chant until Remus kissed him again, laughing a bit and making it completely useless because of how much Sirius was smiling.

He was so excited. Remus wanted to take him on a date!

Sirius did not care about anything else anymore. He moved so he was straddling Remus, deepening their kiss, simply unable to get enough. Remus wanted to date him! Sirius already knew that, yes, but this was a different type of confirmation. This was something real, a promise of a future, even if it was the very near future.

“Mm, Sirius,” Remus said, pulling back a little bit while Sirius still tried to kiss him.

He frowned, leaning back on his knees and wondering what Remus was going to say. “You can’t take it back.”

Remus smiled at him. “I’m not taking it back. I just think we should…”

“What? We should what?” Sirius asked when Remus trailed off.

“Slow down.”

Sirius blinked, admittedly a bit confused. “Remus, you know we’ve already had sex like twenty times, right?”

“It has not been that many.” Sirius raised an eyebrow, forcing him to think about it. He wasn’t keeping track or anything, but they’ve been busy the past couple of days. “Okay, well, whatever that’s not the point.”

Sirius nodded. “Sorry, yes. Not the point. What is the point?”

“That we slow down.”

“Moony.”

“What?”

“I need you to tell me what you mean,” Sirius said. “I’ll respect whatever it is but… I mean I need the boundaries.”

“No sex.”

“Okay. No sex,” Sirius agreed.

Remus sighed, resting his forehead on Sirius’ shoulder. “I just want to do this right,” he said, and damn if it didn’t make Sirius smile. Remus wanted this to be real, he wanted to try, and Sirius was more than happy to oblige. Whatever Remus wanted.

“We will,” Sirius assured him. He had faith, which he can safely say he was not used to having. Everything about Remus scared him a little bit. They knew what they were messing with. The delicacy of being in a band together, their friendship, all of it was at risk. But they’ve waited long enough, Sirius thinks. He owes it to himself to try. The best he can do is try.

***

He honestly was fully prepared to hide behind the dumpster when he heard the door start to open, fully aware that it was cowardly but also being smart enough to know when he had fucked up. He seemed to be doing it a lot recently, completely by accident, but still doing it nonetheless.

But before he could even move, Lily Evans walked outside, clearly looking for him. Lily was honestly such a light on the tour, her presence just made things better, calmer even. James wasn’t the least bit surprised that he found a friend in Lily, it almost seemed inevitable.

“Got a smoke?” she asked, walking up to him. James was leaning against the wall smoking his second cigarette. He could tell she had other intentions, she probably wanted to talk and figure out what his issue was. It was apparently obvious to everyone that James was simply not having a good time.

He opened his pack of cigarettes and let her have one, offering his spare lighter to her. He couldn’t find the one he usually used and instead had a random bic lighter that was neon green and not his favorite one. He usually didn’t put a lot of merit into lucky objects or superstitions, but that lighter was his exception. He still felt like he was missing a limb without it.

“So, how’ve you been?” she asked casually.

James managed a smile. “Bloody fantastic.”

“Clearly,” she mused.

“What do you think of Regulus?” James asked because he apparently liked to punish himself by thinking even more about Regulus than he already did.

Lily shrugged. “He’s kind of mean.”

Oh, he’s so, so mean. James loves it.

“No, he isn’t,” James said, feeling the need to defend Regulus. He wasn’t mean. Maybe a bit rude from time to time, but James has spent enough time with him to know that on the inside he isn’t mean at all. “You just don’t know him.”

“I suppose I don’t,” she agreed. 

James just wanted to talk to Regulus. He wanted him to just magically show back up here so that James could tell him everything that was going on in his head and that he didn’t leave Regulus there because he regretted it. He felt the opposite of regret, actually. He would do it over and over again if he had the chance, all of it except for the end when he messed everything up. He needed to tell Regulus that it wasn’t anything he did, he didn’t do a single thing wrong.

He pulled out his phone and tried calling him again, not the least bit surprised when it went to voicemail after only three rings. He could wait a couple of hours, it was probably late in London anyway.

“He’s not taking your calls?” Lily asked.

James shook his head. “No. No, he’s not.”

“Why?”

James tapped some of the ash off the cigarette and took a deep breath. “Imagine we make out for the first time and then I just leave without a warning; like literally run out,” he said, putting into painstakingly clear perspective.

Lily physically cringed. “Yeah, I’d ignore your calls too,” she told him.

“Mm, me too.”

“This is salvageable though.”

“I don’t think so.”

“It is,” she promised. “Have you seen the way he looks at you?”

James physically reacted to that, his body turning to face Lily. He had not noticed any sort of way Regulus looked at him. “What?”

Lily smiled. “What?”

“Lily, love, I really need you to tell me what you meant by that,” he said, almost begging. Did Regulus look at him? In a way that was different from how he looked at other people? Sometimes, James thought he was making up every moment they had between them, chalking it up to it only being on his side. But other times it just felt so real and so shared between the two of them.

“I don’t know, James. He just looks at you whereas he looks past everyone else. Like he actually sees you.”

“He sees me?”

“Yes.”

“And he doesn’t look at other people like that?”

“Not from what I’ve noticed.”

“Not even Benjy?”

Lily raised an eyebrow. “Benjy?”

“You don’t know Benjy?”

“No, I know them. I’m just confused what they have to do with anything.”

James shrugged. “I think I was jealous of them, I don’t know. But, well does Regulus look at them like that?”

Lily dropped her cigarette on the ground, putting it out with the toe of her boot. “No, he doesn’t look at them like that.”

“Okay. Good.”

James probably would have relished in the news if it wasn’t for his current mental state. He couldn’t even be excited that Regulus looked at him in a way he didn’t look at anybody else because Regulus was refusing to talk to him.

He needed to clear his mind before the show, and the only way he really knew how to do that was with alcohol. And the only alcohol they had was in the room Sirius was in, which meant that really wasn’t an option at the moment, not until he fixed things.

“How bad was I playing? Like really?” James asked. He knew it wasn’t very good, but he hoped it was passable enough for the show tonight. He didn’t want to let everyone down and ruin everyone’s night, not when there were thousands of people that were here to have a good time. James would need to put on a mask for the night and be the performer he was expected to be. 

Lily shrugged. “I probably know too much about music, so not great. But to the average listener you were probably fine.”

Fine wasn’t great, though. And James needed to be great.

***

Regulus appreciated Pandora, he really did. But he also did not need her hovering around him anymore.

He sort of just holed himself up in his flat, working on getting his life back together and remembering how to produce music again. It wasn’t something he did a lot in recent years, but he still remembered the basic fundamentals of it all, and the rest would come back with time and work.

Pandora stayed over with him every night though, just existing in the same space and probably trying to make sure Regulus wasn’t going to do something stupid like answer one of James’ calls. He wasn’t planning on avoiding him forever, but he was planning on avoiding him for the near future.

He was in his spare room that he used as an office when he heard the fire alarm going off. He has been steadily ignoring the smell of burning food for the past hour, letting Pandora do whatever she wanted in the kitchen.

He walked out to find Pandora trying to air out his kitchen while also trying to shush the fire alarm that was still going off. It was actually amusing watching her try to turn it off without knowing how to. The noise was too loud for him to just stay there and watch for much longer, and he stood on his counter top to shut off the alarm.

The kitchen was smoky though, Pandora burned whatever she had been trying to cook. It resulted in a pot smoking in his kitchen sink with water streaming in it, making the smoke even worse. Regulus moved to turn off the water while Pandora just looked incredibly guilty. Regulus wasn’t mad, he was just very confused as to why Pandora was still in his flat and trying to burn them both alive.

“Order in tonight?” she said with a smile.

Regulus looked at her. “What are you doing here?” Her smile dropped a little and she went from looking apologetic to looking guilty. Regulus hadn’t considered until that moment that she might have had her own reasons for being there.

She started taking off the apron she was wearing for hours. “Okay. Umm, you remember Lily, right?” she asked, setting the apron on the counter delicately, as if her soft movements were going to soften the blow of whatever she was about to say.

“Yes.”

She let out a breath. “Cool, cool. Good.”

“Pandora?”

“I want to go see another show,” she said quickly. Regulus opened his mouth to say something before Pandora interrupted him. “And I know you like hate James right now, or are pretending to. But… I mean you could ask Sirius for a couple of tickets maybe?”

“You have his number.”

“I want you to come. Dorcas too.”

Regulus just got back from that nightmare tour, and he was actually very busy the past couple of days. He was planning on calling Marlene to see if she still wanted his help producing the song. He had written for it anyway, it made sense if he were to produce it as well. So he didn’t really feel like he had any time to fly to the States to see another show.

“Please?”

And he really did not have any interest in seeing James. He knew they were back on the road again, Sirius told him about it yesterday and complained about James, actually, not knowing that Regulus was the last person he should be confiding in. Apparently he wasn’t playing like normal and he was being mean to everyone. Regulus wasn’t self-centered enough to think he had anything to do with it, although the thought did cross his mind once or twice. James was trying very hard to get ahold of him and Regulus simply would not hear him out.

“When?” he asked, already knowing he was going to have to go eventually. Plus it would be better if he could work with Marlene in person, easier in a lot of ways too. 

Pandora beamed, knowing this was essentially his way of agreeing. “Their Chicago show. It’s in ten days.”

Ten days. That would have to be enough time.

“I’ll call Sirius,” he promised her with a small sigh. It was just one show, and there wasn’t going to be anybody there forcing him to speak to James. He could just stand in the crowd with Dorcas and Pandora and then leave. In and out. Easy. 

“This is why you’re my favorite,” she said as Regulus started walking away.

“Dorcas is your favorite,” he said before going back into his office. 

He really did not want to call Sirius and ask him for three tickets because that would mean he would have to see Sirius in person again. He was still mad at him for leaving without a word, which was fair, but Regulus was planning on staying away until it blew over.

Regulus dialed his number and prepared himself.

“Oh, hello brother who leaves without saying goodbye,” Sirius answered, breathing heavily for a reason Regulus had no interest in finding out.

“Still?” Regulus asked, tired of the dramatics by now.

“Yes.”

“Can’t you just get over it?” 

“No. Can you get to the point. I was busy.”

“Lupin there?” Regulus asked, feeling like being instigative.

“Yes and I am trying to have sex with him for the first time in ages. So, Regulus, for the love of everything that is holy-”

“I need three tickets to the Chicago show,” he interrupted, not needing to hear any more information. Sirius had a bad habit of over sharing, especially about things that Regulus had no interest hearing about, like his sex life, for example.

There was a very long pause on the other line and Regulus was about to hang up before Sirius finally said something. “What?”

“Dorcas and Pandora are in love,” Regulus said as explanation. He really had no idea how that happened, considering they’ve all only met one time and none of them were even officially dating, but he had no room to judge. He was pretty sure he would do anything that James Potter asked of him and he’s only known him a little less than a month.

“Oh, right. Okay. Three tickets for Chicago, got it.”

“Cool.”

“You’re not going to say thank you?”

“You’re not going to go get fucked?”

“I- Actually, you’re right. Goodbye.”

Sirius hung up the phone right after that, and Regulus found it a bit ironic that he wasn’t even given the chance to say goodbye after all that complaining Sirius had done about his Irish exit.

———

He was wrong to think that getting them tickets meant Pandora would leave his flat. She wasn’t there nearly as often over the next couple of days, but she came over for dinner practically every night and brought Dorcas with her.

Regulus was not used to his flat having people in it, and he was also very much not used to his friends so blatantly trying to set him up. Pandora just casually mentioned to him that she invited a friend and then she failed to mention that she was setting up a date.

Edgar Bones was nice enough, if not a little boring. He worked in finance and he had a pet iguana. Regulus has no idea why Pandora thought they would be a good match, or even why she thought this would be a good idea.

Thankfully he was cooking, which meant he did not have to entertain him. On a much lesser note, Edgar was going to be in his flat for at least another hour and Regulus had to feed him or it would be considered rude.

He dragged Pandora into his office after ten minutes of listening to Edgar talk about his work. It sounded dreadfully lackluster and he found himself pitying Edgar. They had met once before because he really was a friend of Pandora’s. He came to see one of their ballets a year ago and Pandora introduced them. And then they might have snogged in the alley a little bit. But that was a year ago and Regulus had never had any real interest in him anyway.

“What the fuck is he doing here?” Regulus asked.

Pandora smiled. “Well, you guys hit it off last December…”

“We didn’t.” Pandora gave him a look. Regulus might have been lying when he said all they did was snog, but that was all before he realized he would never work with Edgar, and it only happened once. “Why is he here?”

“Because he likes you.”

“No, he doesn’t,” Regulus said. He was sure that all they were was a one night stand that they both regretted. He never even kept in touch with Edgar after that and there’s no way he’s been harboring a crush for almost a year. Pandora only smiled. “Pandora, tell me he doesn’t.”

This was the last thing he wanted to be dealing with. Regulus didn’t know how to let people down gently. He was mean and perhaps too honest, he couldn’t be nice and sympathetic about it.

“You’re quite the catch,” she told him. “Plus, I don’t see the issue.”

“You don’t see the issue?” he asked. To him it was pretty obvious what the issue was, and that was that he had no interest in Edgar Bones, he never had. He didn’t want some strange man in his flat making doe eyes at him and complimenting the food. Regulus knew he was a good cook, he didn’t need Edgar to remind him of it.

“Nope. You’re single, he’s single. You’re both attractive. I mean, it seems cut and dry to me.”

“I’m not…” Regulus cut himself off, unsure where he was going with that.

“You’re not what? Attractive or single?”

And it was that one sentence that made Regulus realize her plan. Pandora really was an evil genius. Because she was right, technically speaking there was nothing wrong with Edgar and he was an attractive person, and Regulus knew first hand that he was good at sucking dick. He had a stable job and he was an overall good person, what was there not to like? On paper it all made sense.

“This is evil, you know that?”

“What are you referring to?” she asked with mock innocence.

“What do you want me to say, Pandora? That I like James? Because I do, and clearly you already know this. And he doesn’t like me and that’s fine. It’s fine . So just drop it,” he said, more trying to convince himself that it didn’t hurt. James deserved better than Regulus, and Edgar Bones probably did too. And that was all just fine with him; he was fine being alone. He preferred it.

***

James actually planned to tell Sirius. He really did. He went to Sirius’ hotel room and knocked three times before trying Remus’ door. Neither of them answered, so he went to Pete’s door and knocked. Peter actually answered, although he was very obviously hiding something in the room from James. 

“Hey, Prongs,” Peter said. His cheeks were flushed which gave James a clue to what was happening. At first he thought that maybe he was hiding Remus and Sirius, but then he realized how ridiculous that sounded. 

James smiled. Peter was always very secretive about his love life (and sex life, for that matter), and it was practically a once in a lifetime oppurtunity to catch him in the act. “Pete, what’s going on?” he asked, trying to peek inside.

Peter bit his bottom lip and managed to shut the door even tighter, blocking all view of the room. “Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

Peter nodded, and they both knew that he was lying. James could tell and Peter knew he could tell. Still, James had to give him credit for even attempting to keep it from him. He’d figure it out eventually, it was hard to keep secrets on tour, James had learned that already.

“Yup. Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I was just looking for Sirius.”

Peter raised an eyebrow. “He’s out.”

“Yeah, where?” James said because he already figured out that Sirius wasn’t here anywhere.

Peter looked confused that James seemed to not know where Sirius was, and he wondered if he should know. He had hardly talked to Sirius all week, and tensions were very high. James hated it, they never fought like this and it was all his own fault.

“He’s on a date. With Moony,” Peter said, and James felt his whole stomach drop. James didn’t even know his best friend was on a date, he didn’t even know that they were technically dating. “They didn’t tell you?”

James could hear the pity in Peter’s voice and decided to change that, putting on a natural looking smile. “Oh, no they did. I just forgot,” he lied. His voice was surprisingly steady when he felt like he was going to cry. “Have a good night, Wormy,” he said with a wink.

Peter did not look convinced at all, but James had already started walking down the hall to go back to his room. 

He doesn’t know how this happened; how he let everything with Sirius get this bad. It’s been too long now and he knows he was the one who messed everything up. He messed things up with Regulus- he still wasn’t answering any of James’ messages and he had stopped sending them at this point. He messed things up with Sirius, his best friend of thirteen years because he was afraid to tell him he was falling in love with his brother. Remus could say he wasn’t going to pick a side all he wanted, but James knew he was going to be on Sirius’ no matter what.

Sirius went on a date and he didn’t even tell James. Under normal circumstances Sirius would have forced James to help him pick out an outfit for hours, but Sirius didn’t even tell him. Peter might have been the only truly unbiased person in the equation, but James was pretty sure he wasn’t on James’ side of things. Not that there were even sides, James was the one in the wrong in every single relationship in his life.

He called Regulus’ number again, deciding that this would be the last time. He knew when to leave well enough alone, and it was obvious that he didn’t want anything to do with James. James could at least take that hint.

And then the ringing stopped. James expected to hear the voicemail message again, but he practically froze when he heard Regulus’ voice.

“Hello.” James was actually too stunned to form a sentence. He’s spent so long just trying to get a hold of Regulus that he didn’t think of what he was going to say once he actually did. “Potter? Are you going to say anything?”

“Sirius and Remus are on a date,” James said because it was the thing at the very top of his mind.

“I know.”

“You know?” James couldn’t help but ask. Regulus was on a whole other continent and even he knew

“Sirius was on the phone for three hours today freaking out about it,” Regulus told him.

James had to pretend like that didn’t make him incredibly sad. They were brothers, that was a normal brother thing for them to do. “Oh.” Regulus sighed but he didn’t hang up, and James thought that was a good thing, or it at least wasn’t a bad thing. “So, what’re you doing?” he asked casually. He needed to work up to the apology or the explanation. Either way he needed to figure out what he was going to say.

“I’m on a date, apparently.”

Oh.

Well, no. No, everything was fine. Regulus was allowed to go on dates, James knew he didn’t have any actual claim over him or anything. Still, it wasn’t exactly a very nice thing to hear.

“Oh, that’s nice,” James said even though he was thinking the exact opposite.

“It’s not. That’s why I took your call.”

James did not know what to do with that, or whether it was a good thing or not. “You’re using me to get out of a date?”

“Yes. Pandora set me up.” The small fact that Regulus did not want to be on the date made James feel a lot better than it should have, considering everything. “So do you have anything of merit to say?”

“I’m sorry,” James said because it was the best he could come up with. He was sorry; about all of it.

“Yeah, I gathered that from your texts,” Regulus said. His tone was clipped, like he didn’t actually want to be talking to James. He didn’t, James just happened to call at the perfect time. Still, he was going to take full advantage of this opportunity.

“Look, Reg, I-”

“Regulus. My name is Regulus,” he said, interrupting James and inadvertently starting them at square one again where nicknames weren’t allowed. Perhaps he was reading too far into it, but James really did ruin everything they had, even the friendship. He felt terrible.

“I shouldn’t have done that,” James said, his voice quieter than he meant for it to be.

“No, you shouldn’t have,” Regulus agreed. 

“Can I explain why?”

“No. I don’t really care.”

“Oh, okay.”

“I only took your call because I’m coming to a show next week,” Regulus told him. “Chicago.”

“You’re coming to a show?”

“Pandora wants me to.”

“Oh, for Lily?” James said, trying to be normal about all of this. He was going to get to actually see Regulus again, in real life, soon. It would be the chance he needed to hopefully mend what he broke because he clearly was not good at doing it over the phone.

“Yes.”

“Dorcas too?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, yeah. Well that’s good. I’ll see you then.”

“No.”

“No?”

“I don’t want to see you,” Regulus said simply.

James was unsurprisingly not okay with that. “What? No. I mean, I’m sorry for kissing you, okay? I get that I shouldn’t have done that, but we’re friends, aren’t we? Can’t we be friends?”

“You’re apologizing for kissing me?” Regulus asked. James got the sense that he said the wrong thing, but really he was grasping at straws here, and this was so hard to do over the phone where he couldn’t see Regulus’ face or his reactions. James heavily relied on those more nonverbal cues, especially from Regulus who almost never said what he meant and kept to himself. His eyes always revealed more than he wanted them too though, another reason why James loved them.

“No?”

“James, I told you to kiss me,” Regulus said. James hadn’t really thought about that, not deeply anyway. He just assumed that Regulus was overtired or not thinking straight.

“I know. But…”

“But you’re sorry. I know,” Regulus interrupted, which actually was not what James was going to say at all. “It shouldn’t have happened and you regret it, I know. So let’s just move on.”

Regret it? No, James didn’t regret the kiss. The kiss was so nice that it sent James into a bit of a panic, actually, which was what he was trying to say. He didn’t know how to, and Regulus seemed to have gotten the control in this conversation. James was scrambling.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know. I am too.” James didn’t know what Regulus had to be sorry for, but he didn’t even get the chance to ask. “I have to go. Bye.”

“Oh. Goodbye,” James said, and then the call ended and James was left feeling even more confused than before.

That call was the exact opposite of productive and James had said all the wrong things and didn’t even get to the part where he apologized for leaving. That should have been the first thing he apologized for and he hadn’t even done it.

James was actually having a horrible time, and not even playing guitar was making him feel any better. They had a show in a couple of hours, which meant Sirius and Remus would need to come back soon. James needed to speak with him because everything was just going wrong and he didn’t even know who to talk to about it. He didn’t know how to talk to people about what was going on with him, the only person who he ever really did that with was Regulus, and it had been an accident. 

But he couldn’t play, he couldn’t write, he couldn’t even think properly when actually given the chance to fix things. He would need to do better with Sirius, and he needed to do it before the show. James tried to stay away from articles written about him and about the band, but he was curious. Everyone had noticed that James wasn’t playing well on stage, that he wasn’t giving it his all. It only made him feel worse.

Normally he could dissociate on stage. His problems didn’t exist up there because he was playing a character. On stage he wasn’t James, he was James Potter, lead guitarist for The Marauders. Now he couldn’t even play his part right because he wasn’t in sync with his friends. Two of them were on a date together and James didn’t even know that it was happening. He knew he hadn't been a good friend recently.

Maybe this was why James had stayed away from love for so long. It did terrible things to him and it was making him crazy. He really didn’t want to spend all his free time feeling bad for himself when he knew exactly how he could fix this.

James started drafting a list of everything he needed to say, deciding that was the only way he would be able to remember it all. James could be a good friend again. He had been failing recently in that department. and he recognized it, but more than anything he wanted to change it.

The list ended up being very long, James had a lot more to say to more people than he thought. He needed to tell Sirius about Regulus, apologize for literally everything from the past month, and also gossip with him about Remus. James knew Sirius, which meant he knew that Sirius was dying to talk to him about it but simply couldn’t because they were in a ‘fight’. He needed to apologize to Remus for making him keep it a secret too, because he did feel bad about that. Peter too, Peter had kept this secret for him for too long probably. He never meant to make his friends lie for him.

***

Regulus regretted taking the phone call.

He was just trying to get out of a conversation with Edgar about finances or his job or something. Regulus admittedly had not been listening, and when he heard his phone ring he figured it was the perfect excuse to get out of it.

Pandora watched him as he took it, raising an eyebrow.

“It’s Sirius,” he lied. He checked the caller id already, he knew exactly who was calling him. “Could be important.”

It ended up not being important at all and only further solidified Regulus’ thought that James was an idiot. Of course he was sorry about the kiss, that had been all Regulus’ fault and James hadn’t even wanted to do it. He shouldn’t have asked that of him, not when James had already explicitly told him about his sexuality. He didn’t label it, but Regulus knew he didn’t feel sexual attraction towards many people, and Regulus was not one of them.

And that was fine. Regulus was fine with that. He just wished that James at least liked him a little bit, enough to apologize for leaving him at least.

James regretted the kiss and Regulus felt horrible for pressuring him into it. It wasn’t what he meant to do, and he thought James… Perhaps he had been a bit delusional to think that James would want to kiss him. But he said Regulus’ eyes were his favorite color, what was he supposed to do with that?

Regulus couldn’t be around him anymore though. Not when he was practically drowning everytime James so much as said a word to him, and not when James only saw him through a platonic lens. It was easier if he just kept his distance, more simple.

When Regulus came back after the phone call though, he remembered he had company. There was somebody here who liked him, and Regulus wasn’t used to that. He was not very kind to Edgar, he was horrible at listening, and yet Edgar did not seem to care about that one bit.

Regulus thought he could grow to like Edgar, eventually. And he was lonely and sad, so he really could not be blamed for his actions. Dinner was over and Pandora offered to help clean up, but Regulus really just wanted to get laid at this point. Maybe that made him a whore, he did not care. He kicked his friends out and brought Edgar to his bedroom. Regulus liked him plenty when he wasn’t talking, when his mouth was busy with other things.

It almost distracted Regulus from James, but once he started thinking about James he couldn’t stop. It was James’ mouth on him, it was James whispering things in his ears, it was James who was snogging him.

Regulus could feel bad about it in the morning because he felt too good to do anything about it now.

James, James, James.

———

Regulus had made a very big mistake.

Having sex with Edgar was excusable. Imagining it was James? Not so excusable.

He practically kicked him out of his house, trying to be nice about letting him down and simealtaneously feeling like an asshole that just used him for sex. 

Edgar left and Regulus proceeded to feel absolutely awful about everything. His flat was a bit of a mess because he did not pick up anything after dinner, his clothes were dirty, and everything seemed to be falling apart around him all at once.

He ended up sitting on his couch for a very long time, staring at the tv that wasn’t even turned on. He was sick to his stomach, actually. This was what guilt felt like, he knew that. It’s been a long time since he felt it this bad though, and he wanted to throw up if he was honest. Pandora was going to be upset with him, surely. Edgar was a friend of hers and Regulus had just used him. He couldn’t just not tell her, she would find out anyway and then he would feel worse.

But Regulus didn’t want to tell anyone at the moment. He couldn’t think of a single person who would understand, he didn’t even understand. He couldn’t deal with other people’s judgment right now though; he was being hard enough on himself as it was.

Regulus has had one night stands before, he’s even had one with Edgar before. He had no shame in that, Regulus enjoyed sex and he didn’t feel like he had anything to apologize for in that aspect. But Regulus knew that Edgar had feelings for him, Pandora had explicitly told him that, and then he went and did this. He should have gone with his original plan of letting him down after dinner, maybe then he wouldn’t feel like his stomach was trying to crawl out of his body.

There was only one person that he even thought he could tell about this. So, naturally, he texted his brother.

Regulus

Hey, quick question

Sirius

At sound check

Is it important?

Regulus

Like a 6

Sirius

What’s up?

Regulus

Have you ever had sex with someone and imagined it was someone else?

He sent it before he could think otherwise, but Regulus was absolutely dying when it took Sirius more than a second to answer, and then he felt worse when Sirius called him. Regulus answered and the first thing he heard was the sound of Sirius laughing, literally dying laughing. Regulus waited until he finally stopped.

“Reggie, tell me you’re joking?”

“It was just a question.”

“What poor soul?” Sirius asked, his voice laced with humor.

“I feel like I’m going to throw up.”

“What time is it there anyway?”

Regulus looked at the clock. “Almost 2,” he said,  the fact making him feel worse. He kicked Edgar out in the middle of the night.

“You sound weird,” Sirius noted.

“I feel like shit.”

“One time I slept with a guy cause he looked like Remus,” Sirius admitted, probably only to make Regulus feel better. It actually worked a little bit, especially when he heard Remus asking questions in the background.

“Sounds like something you would do.”

“Who were you thinking of?” Sirius asked, apparently in a gossiping mood. Regulus couldn’t very well tell him he was imaging his best friend, especially when he was pretty sure Sirius still did not know about the kiss. He wasn’t going to be the one to tell him, that was James’ job.

“I’m not telling you that.”

Sirius sighed dramatically. “You’re no fun. Is it someone I know?”

“Sirius.”

“Okay. Fine. Who did you have sex with, then?”

Regulus was about to answer when he also heard James in the background. He couldn’t make out what he was saying, but he was close enough that he could probably hear this conversation. “Sirius, when I say you can’t tell a word of this to anyone-”

“I won’t.”

“I’m not kidding. Not Lupin, not Potter, nobody.”

“So I can tell Peter?”

“Die.”

Sirius laughed. “I swear on my life.”

Regulus supposed that would have to do. He needed to tell someone; he would just have to trust that Sirius valued his life enough to not tell James. He could care less if Remus or Peter found out, if he was honest, but he couldn’t very well tell him to not tell James specifically

“Edgar Bones.”

The noteable silence made Regulus think that perhaps Sirius knew Edgar. He had no idea how, their paths never seemed very likely to cross. They went to different schools, worked in completely different fields, and the only mutual friend they had was Pandora, whom Sirius had only met once.

“Amelia’s brother?”

“Who’s Amelia?”

“Edgar’s sister.”

“Oh.”

“He’s cute,” Sirius commented after a moment. “I didn’t really think that was your type, but…”

“He’s not my type,” Regulus interjected, not sure why he felt the need to correct him.

Edgar was not ugly by any standards. He had sandy blonde hair and pale skin and really he had very nice features. Regulus didn’t actually know if he had a type, he just knew Edgar didn’t really fit into the category of what he liked.

“Do tell.”

“I will not.”

“You’re no fun. Why are you even telling me this?”

Regulus did not know. He just figured Sirius would be the most understanding, which he supposed he was right about. He had sex with a guy because he looked like Lupin which wasn’t all that different to what Regulus had done, although Edgar didn’t look anything like James and maybe he was just reaching to try and justify his actions.

“I don’t know.”

“Well, are you okay?”

“Yes?”

“Like you mean it this time.”

“I’m fine.”

“Okay. Good.”

“Alright, goodbye.”

“Bye, oh, wait,” Sirius said right before Regulus was about to end the call. He should have hung up sooner, this entire phone call was actually a very bad idea.

“What?”

“May I offer a piece of advice?” Sirius asked, sounding posh as ever.

“You can try.”

“Just fuck him.”

Regulus paused. Surely Sirius did not know about Regulus’ obscene thoughts about James, he had given no hints as to who it was. “Who?”

“The lad you’re so in love with.”

“I’m not-”

“You totally are. You think I can’t tell?”

“I’m not in love with him,” Regulus said, the one thing he actually knew. The worst part is that he knew he could love James, he already felt himself heading down that path and that scared him more than anything had in a long time. So, he wasn’t in love with James, not yet.

Sirius paused and Regulus heard a lot of shuffling. “Regulus?”

“Yes?”

There was a shift in Sirius’ tone that Regulus found to be very unsettling, actually.

“I’m alone.”

Regulus blinked a couple times in confusion even though Sirius couldn’t see him. Why was he supposed to care whether or not Sirius was alone? “Good for you,” Regulus said.

Sirius sighed. “I know.”

“What do you know?”

“I mean, do you think I’m stupid?”

Regulus physically paused. He froze in his spot and forced himself to not freak out. It sounded like Sirius was implicating something very specific, and Regulus would not confirm or deny anything until he heard Sirius explicitly say what he knew.

“What?”

“I know you have feelings for James.”

Now Regulus really was going to be sick. There was no way Sirius could know. Regulus had never told anybody that would get the information back to him, he did that very intentionally. None of his friends ever would have said anything, they wouldn’t be that stupid.

“I don’t,” Regulus lied. He did. He had very big feelings for James and they didn’t appear to be going anywhere anytime soon.

“Reg, I know you do.”

“Says who?”

“Says your brother.”

“That doesn’t-”

“I can tell, Regulus.” He did not know what to say, this was not the way he thought this was going to go. “And I know my opinion on this doesn’t matter-”

“You’re right. It doesn’t,” Regulus said. He did not need to hear what Sirius had to say because it was none of his business.

“Well, it does a little bit, no?”

“No.”

“I mean my brother and my other brother?”

“Don’t put it like that.”

“Incest runs in the family, Reg.”

“It isn’t incest.”

“Does he know?” Sirius said, changing the subject.

“Probably.” He had to know. What other explanation was there for Regulus asking James to kiss him? He made it so obvious only to get turned down. Regulus was not used to rejection, he was used to getting what he wanted. He wanted James and he didn’t get him; Regulus didn’t really know what to do with that. “He doesn’t feel the same.”

He realized he was admitting to his brother that he liked James, but he didn’t care anymore. Everyone knew by now anyway, Regulus was worse at hiding things than he thought.

“I… I mean are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“Because he kissed me.”

“What? He did?” Sirius asked. Regulus was only partly surprised to learn that James has not told Sirius any of this. It apparently was not a very big deal for him.

“Yes. And then he left.”

“What?”

“And then I left.”

“Regulus, what are you talking about?”

He sighed. “And he called me today. Told me he regretted it. So, let’s move on now.”

Sirius didn’t say anything for a very long time. Regulus was tired and he just wanted to shower and go to bed; forget this entire day ever even happened.

“When was this?”

“Umm, I mean after you picked us up.”

“A week ago?”

“Yeah.”

“I have to go.”

Sirius hung up after that and Regulus fell asleep on his couch. He could deal with everything tomorrow.