Running
James shut the door. Perhaps louder than he should have, perhaps harder than he meant to. But he wasn’t exactly thinking properly. He didn’t realize until after that he just left his own room, he left all of his stuff, everything he owned. He left Regulus.
Oh fuck. He left Regulus.
He knew that wasn’t good, he knew that the smart and logical thing would be to go back into the room and perhaps have a conversation with the man he just snogged. That would make a whole lot of sense. He was still outside the door, it wouldn’t take much to just walk back inside, apologize for fucking bolting out of the room, and then…
Well, James didn’t know what was supposed to come after that, actually. He was properly freaking out.
James has snogged people before, plenty of people. Never once has it felt like that. Like the last piece of a puzzle slotting into place, completing the picture and making it whole. James felt like he just destroyed everything they had been building, pulled it right off the counter and let the puzzle break into thousands of pieces, leaving a mess.
This was bad. This was very bad.
Was this the big deal about snogging? Generally, James liked kissing people, platonically or romantically. It was warm and intimate and fun. But this…
Okay. Fuck.
It was so much, and it scared James. He knew very well that he was quickly falling for Regulus, and that hadn’t scared him until now. He kept thinking of all of it as new, something novel and fresh that had at first made him giddy with excitement. It made his stomach drop, and now James was scared of never landing, of this feeling that was consuming him.
He craved it and he needed it just to breathe and he also needed to get as far from it as possible before the current swept him under; James knew he wouldn’t even try to break the surface. If this was going to happen then it was going to be all at once, all-consuming, and he couldn’t afford that. He couldn’t put his everything into something right now. Not when Regulus deserved more, something and someone more stable. Someone who wasn’t constantly on tour or on a plane. Someone who wouldn’t wake him up in the middle of the night; either with a song idea or with spiraling anxiety. Regulus deserved more than James.
James just kissed Regulus.
Regulus had wanted him to.
So, he did.
James made up his mind after that, walking a couple doors down and knocking. There was no answer at first so he knocked again, and then a third time until finally the door opened.
James didn’t know what he looked like. He knew he wasn’t wearing a shirt, he knew he hadn’t even put on shoes, and he knew he was probably flushed. But when Peter opened the door, attempting to rub sleep from his eyes, he stopped in his tracks when he saw James.
“Prongs?” he asked, clearly concerned.
James found he actually had to fight to not cry. He was so confused, and he was mad at himself for giving in, for messing everything up, for leaving. Why did he leave?
“I messed up.” James managed. And despite being multiple inches taller than Peter, he still folded into him for a hug, needing to be comforted. Peter welcomed it, wrapping his arms around James and just holding him for as long as he needed to be held.
“James, mate, I just really need to know if you killed someone,” Peter said, his voice still soft and soothing,
James pulled back, giving Peter an incredulous look. “What?”
Peter held his hands up in defense. “I’m not judging!”
“I didn’t murder anyone, Peter!”
“Well what am I supposed to think? You show up at my door saying you messed up!”
“And that means I’ve committed a crime?”
Peter smiled and gave a small nod. “Yes. My only guess is you murdered Sirius. Or Remus, which means you couldn’t go to Sirius about it because then he would kill you.”
James blinked a bit dumbly a couple of times. “Pete, what the fuck are you talking about?”
Peter tilted his head to the side a little bit, eyes traveling up and down James twice as if he were trying to figure out whether he was actually a murderer. It was ridiculous, but Peter was ridiculous. “Okay. What happened then?”
James, out of paranoia, looked up and down the hallway, trying to make sure neither Regulus or Sirius was for some reason just watching this encounter. “I kissed Regulus,” he said, lowering his voice to a volume so quiet it was almost indecipherable.
Peter still heard it, his jaw dropping and eyes widening. James dragged them both into his room before he accidentally yelled something that the entire hotel would be able to hear.
“Holy shit!”
James raised his eyebrows once, almost saying ‘Well what can you do?’
Because really, really, what could he do? Regulus was just so kissable, and he had pouty lips and pretty eyes and James should have been much more prepared for the storm that was Regulus Black. He should have known from their very first encounter exactly how this was going to go, and still James was never the one in control. He was just a ship in the storm, helpless to do anything except for sink.
“You kissed him! How was it? Oh, I bet he’s a bloody fantastic kisser, no?” Peter said, any earlier sleepiness leaving his body completely. James was surprised at how quickly he did that, actually. He usually took a lot longer to wake up.
James sighed, already reveling in the memory of it, at the small noises Regulus made, at the way he was just clawing at James to bring him closer. “He is,” James said, no point in lying. Regulus was a very, very good kisser.
“Knew it! I called it, you know. Ask Moony.”
James nodded. “I will.”
And that was when Peter seemed to come back to Earth, James too actually. He remembered that there was more to it than just the kiss, there was a lot more to it than just that.
“So, James,” Peter said, sitting down next to him on the bed. “Why are you not currently shagging Regulus, then?”
He covered his face with his hands, falling backwards onto the bed dramatically. “Because I can’t.”
Peter did not bother to hide his smile. “Oh, well it’s quite simple actually-”
“That isn’t what I meant,” James interrupted before Peter gave him a lesson on how sex works.
“Alright, tell your good pal Peter what happened then,” he said, a bit patronizingly but James knew it was just how Peter was. He liked to make jokes about things, but he would always be there.
And so, James told him everything. From the first time Regulus came to his room that night, when Peter left, all the way to IHop and then the petrol station and the game of twenty-one questions. All of that. And he told Peter about Regulus showing back up and kissing him. And…well then he got to the bad part.
“What do you mean you ran out?”
James pressed his lips together, already feeling embarrassed about what he did. He would have liked to blame it on sleep deprivation, but he was pretty sure he was wide awake when it happened. “I mean I just sort of left,” James admitted quietly. He was well aware that it was far from his proudest moment.
“James,” he said disappointedly.
“I know.”
“That’s so fucking stupid.”
“I know.”
“Monumentally stupid.”
“Peter, this is not helping.”
“I feel like I need to point it out.”
“You really, really don’t.”
“Are you sure? Because I’m not sure you understand just how idiotic-”
“I was scared,” James said, interrupting him. Peter froze, the teasing smile that was on his face completely vanishing at James’ words. Perhaps he had led Peter to believe that this was a funny situation, because without any of the nuance it was. But James’ stomach was twisted into so many knots, his mind was working overtime trying to compute everything, and he could still feel the fear that was just coursing through him. Why had nobody ever told him that love was scary?
“About what aspect of it?”
“All of it.”
Peter gave him a small smile. “Right, Prongs, but more specifically. What? Regulus scares you?”
James found himself nodding. “Terrifies me.”
“Why?”
James had never really thought that deeply about it before. It wasn’t like he was scared of Regulus in a traditional way. He didn’t jump in fear or cower when he was near. He was scared of what Regulus made him feel, of how much he made him feel.
“I like him,” James said, feeling like that was quite the understatement for all his feelings toward Regulus. There were never enough words; there were never the right words. “And I’ve never felt like this before and I don’t think I’m doing it right. And it’s Regulus. What is Sirius going to say?”
He didn’t want to imagine what his conversation with Sirius was going to be like. He was going to have to tell him sooner rather than later, this had gone on for far too long without him knowing. And now it was just that much more real, and so many people already knew. James had to be the one to tell him, before anybody else.
“Sirius doesn’t matter right now,” Peter told him.
“Pete, it’s his brother,” James said, as if Peter needed that reminder. James had been pointedly not dwelling on that fact. For the most part, he saw them separately, they were two different people and James could almost pretend like he wasn’t betraying his best friend. It wasn’t until he saw them next to each other— bickering or existing in that silent way they tended to— that James remembered.
“I know. But, well you don’t know how he’s going to react yet, so just don’t worry about it.”
“That’s the worst advice I’ve ever heard,” James mumbled.
“No, it isn’t.”
“Whatever.”
Peter nudged him. “Mate, there is no right or wrong way to love someone. You’re not doing it wrong, you could never do it wrong.”
“I left him there. He’s probably still there. Oh, fuck. Pete, did I… do you think I made him sad?” James said, the idea of it breaking his heart. He couldn’t fathom it, and yet it was probably exactly what he did. Sometimes, he had a habit of ruining everything good in his life, never feeling deserving of it. He already didn’t deserve the friends he had, they were so good to him and James frequently felt like he wasn’t enough for them. This was another one of those circumstances where James couldn’t be enough so he left instead of trying to face it.
“I mean… you probably didn’t make him feel great,” Peter said. James felt his whole face fall. None of this was supposed to hurt Regulus, that was the last thing he wanted. He wanted to help Regulus, to save him from what was bound to end up ruined by James’ hands. Although it was appearing like he had done that anyway. “Oh, no, hey. Don’t cry. Look, it… I mean, it’s not your fault. Well, it is. But, well it’s new for you, you’re allowed to feel a bit nervous about this.”
James didn’t even realize he started crying, a true show to just how overtired he was. “I’m such a fuck up.”
“No, you’re not. You really aren’t, okay?” Peter said, holding James’ head so he had to look at him. “You’re not a fuck up, James. You’re human, we all make mistakes. This is one you can fix, maybe after some sleep. You can talk to him, clear the air. Okay? First thing in the morning.”
James slept in Peter’s room, apologizing through a tight throat and tear stained eyes that he woke him up, thinking that this was just another one of those things he did: barging in on people’s space. He always took up too much space.
James clung to the far side of the bed, trying to take up as little space as possible and breathe quietly.
***
For a very long moment he just stared. Regulus stared at the door that James had practically slammed. It was James’ room, and he fucking left, apparently so desperate to get away that he would just leave Regulus with all of his things.
Hotel doors were not made to slam, not anymore. They closed slowly and softly, something delicate that you had to be careful with. James had closed the door so harshly that the sound had echoed, reverberating around the room and around Regulus’ ears, just reminding him of how hollow everything suddenly was.
He let himself take a couple of minutes to have a panic about it, suddenly feeling incredibly small in the large bed and empty room.
He curled into himself, holding a pillow tight to him and pressing his face against it until he was almost suffocating against it. Regulus already felt like he couldn’t breathe, feeling so incredibly stupid. He was smart, after so many years of learning not to take risks, of being safe, Regulus was smart.
He bit his knuckle in a desperate attempt to not let a singular sound out, no matter if it would be muffled by the pillow. He wouldn’t allow it. He could self loathe and he could hate everything about the world; in fact he was doing both of those things. But he would not cry.
Regulus had wanted this, he had wanted to know what James felt like above him, he wanted to know the soft glide of his lips and the weight of his tongue. It was all he could think about, it was all he had thought about for a while now, actually, as much as he did not want to admit that. And now that he got it… fuck it was almost worth it.
The aftermath, the loneliness and the emptiness, was almost worth how good he had felt in those couple of seconds. He would sell his soul to the devil four times over for even just a second more of that feeling. No drug could ever compare to James, they weren’t even worth trying. It would all just be a giant letdown now that he knew what the real thing felt like. He was kidding himself for ever thinking he could outrun an addiction to James.
He never should have said that, he never should have told James to kiss him because now James regretted it. Regulus never meant for him to regret it, but he understood. He was nothing except for Sirius’ younger brother, wherever he went, that’s always who he was. By now he has made his peace with it, but that did not mean he liked it. He made his own name for himself and yet it was almost only ever spoken about in a context where Sirius’ name appeared too. They couldn’t escape each other, they had stopped trying to years ago.
Regulus only saw one next natural course of action. After spending almost five minutes just trying to fucking breathe before remembering he was practically suffocating himself, he sat up again. His eyes felt damp, apparently he had started crying. He hated James Potter even more now; if not for leaving then for making him cry. Regulus absolutely despised crying. It was messy and it was gross and it always gave him a headache.
He went downstairs first to ask for a new key to his room. Not James’ room. He had no interest in going back there.
The lady at the front desk wisely did not comment on the state he was in. Regulus had finally stopped blubbering, which had taken another five minutes of him splashing water on his face in the bathroom and just trying to look like he hadn’t been crying; a rather difficult feat when his face got blotchy every time he did.
Then he walked quietly down the hallway, not letting anybody know he was out there. He did not want to see anybody that had anything to do with James. Not Peter, not Remus, and especially not Sirius. He was betting on the fact that they would hopefully all be asleep by now and not be stirred by his soft footsteps.
The issue was when he remembered he was sharing a room with Sirius, and he had to be extra quiet. Lupin was in the bed with him, wide awake whereas Sirius was fast asleep, an arm curled around Remus, practically clinging onto him.
“Hey, where’ve you been?” Remus said, keeping his voice quiet.
Regulus blinked, grateful for the darkness. He wasn’t sure if he could trust his voice just yet, but he couldn’t just say nothing.
“Lost my key,” he said quietly, moving to where his bag was sitting in the corner of the room.
“I know. That’s why I waited here.”
Regulus realized that Remus was technically lying where Regulus was supposed to sleep that night. It didn’t exactly matter anymore. He was leaving as quickly as he could and would not be sleeping here tonight.
“Oh, thanks. Umm, you can stay. I’m leaving.”
He never really unpacked and just had to grab a few things from the bathroom and he would be ready. He did not miss the look on Remus’ face though, already dreading whatever this next conversation was going to be. He was simply not in the mood.
“Want me to wake him?”
Remus was staring him down, eyes seeming to catch on the hickey on Regulus’ neck. He saw when he was in the bathroom, he already could not wait until it faded. He had no interest in any sort of reminder about this evening, even if most of it was good. Even if all of it up until the last minute was really good. He would never say it out loud, especially now, but this night being lost with James was some of the most fun he’s had in a while.
“No.”
“You have a hickey,” Remus pointed out. Regulus knew that Remus was smart, more than likely putting the puzzle together in his mind. it was obvious to anybody who had been paying any attention.
“I know.”
Remus sighed. “What do you want me to tell him?” he asked, looking at Sirius.
A small part of him felt bad about leaving without telling his brother. But Sirius would get over it and Regulus really did not want to be here when he found out. He would blame Regulus, he would take James’ side. Which he should do because Regulus was the one who fucked up, but for once he wanted Sirius to take his side even when if was wrong.
“Tell him I’ll call him when I land.”
Regulus did realize that he was technically running away too, but James did it first.
He called Barty on the way to the airport.
“Fuck, Black,” Barty answered after the third ring. “You know what time it is?”
“Barty.”
“It’s like five in the morning. Far too early for anybody to be awake.”
“Barty.”
“I told you to wait, but no. You decide to interrupt my beauty sleep with… What, exactly?”
“Barty,” Regulus said, because it was all he could say. He didn’t know how to tell Barty what happened, he needed him to guess, to ask questions that Regulus would either confirm or deny.
“What? What’s wrong?” Barty said, his tone switching. Regulus didn’t answer, trying to focus on breathing. Was he breathing? “Reg? Where are you?”
“Umm, I’m on my way to the airport.”
“The airport?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m going home.”
“Why?”
Sometimes, Regulus got upset with Barty for asking stupid questions. He was going to the airport because he was going on a plane, obviously. Barty’s asn’t stupid though, and it had taken a lot of years for Regulus to learn what he was actually doing. He was just working Regulus up to saying what he was trying to say the whole time. Regulus hated the way he went about it, honestly, but it did work.
“I kissed James.”
The line was silent for maybe a second, so silent that there wasn’t even dead air, just nothing. It meant Barty muted himself, probably to tell Evan.
“For clarity's sake, you mean James Potter?” Barty asked.
“Yes.”
“Fucking finally!” he heard Evan say. Which, yeah. That was fair. They’d been telling him for weeks now to just snog James, and he ignored them, telling them he would never want to do that. And then he did it, so he deserved to hear an ‘I told you so’ or two. “Reg! You kissed him?!” Evan said, grabbing the phone from Barty.
“Yeah, sorta. Or he kissed me, but it’s all the same,” he said, unable to help the small smile on his face. The kiss really was good, it was the kind of world changing kiss he read about in books, at least it was before James got away from Regulus as quickly as he could.
Barty and Evan made a big show of making fun of Regulus, which he just let them do, actually happy that he got to tell somebody about it and just enjoy the simple fact that no less than thirty minutes ago his lips were on James’, and that was something to brag about.
“Did you shag him?” Barty said.
“We didn’t get that far.”
“What? Why not?”
“He left.” Regulus could hear the pause, the way both of his friends sort of froze over the phone. He took their silence as the only time he would have to say what he wanted to say. “He… he literally ran out on me. I… I don’t know what I did, but he left.”
“So how do you want us to do it?” Barty said after a moment.
“Do what?”
“Murder him.”
“Murder him?!” Regulus said loudly. The driver gave him a look through the rear view mirror that made Regulus remember he could hear the entire conversation. Or his side of the conversation, at least. He wasn’t going to force the poor man to listen to what Barty and Evan had to say.
“Obviously.”
“You’re not gonna do anything to him.”
“That’s no fun,” Evan mumbled.
He didn’t call his friends so that they could enact some horrible revenge plan, in fact he just wanted them all to forget James even existed. Which, yeah, that was going to be difficult for all of them. Barty and Evan worked for him, he was Sirius’ best friend, James was always going to be around, unfortunately.
Regulus had already made the decision to avoid him at all costs. It wasn’t like he had to see him, he’s gone years without ever knowing him, it doesn’t have to be any different now. Sirius would be fine if Regulus wasn’t around as often, too.
“Are you okay, though?” Evan asked.
“Fine.”
“Reg.”
“I’m not heartbroken, Evan. I just… I’m mad at myself.”
It was true. He was mad at himself for thinking that it would ever be a good idea to get involved with James. It was too messy from the moment the idea fully formed in his head, and he was upset that he thought it would be anything other than a total fucking disaster. Regulus didn’t deserve good things like James, and he knew that. He knew he would ruin James if he got too close, it was what he did.
***
When James woke up it was with a headache and a 5’7 blonde man clinging to him like a koala. James loved Peter, he really did, but he tended to do this every single time, finding whatever was closest to him and latching on to it. Normally it was a pillow or something, but James had stayed in the same bed and completely forgotten about this tendency.
He didn’t move for a couple of minutes, letting himself be held even if it was Peter, even if he would have preferred Regulus to be the one he was waking up with.
He could have been, but James sort of fucked that up.
He didn’t know how to accept it, how to accept Regulus in that way. James hasn’t dated anyone since Alecto, and while he’s kissed people before, it has never felt like that. James felt like he could breathe and simultaneously like he was going to suffocate, and now he understood what it was supposed to be like. And he felt horrible for never feeling that before with the others, for not having that connection with Alecto or with the girl he slept with or anybody else. Perhaps it wasn’t the sort of thing he was supposed to feel bad about, but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t help but think that the reason he never had these experiences before was because there was something wrong with him. And he hated thinking like that, especially the more he was understanding about himself and his sexuality. But it hurt to think that he was the reason he had never experienced a romantic love before; it hurt to think that he was the only one in his way.
Even now.
Regulus had opened up, and he had let James touch him and hold him and kiss him. He had practically initiated most of it, or at least given James a very clear signal that he was allowed to initiate it.
James didn’t want to hurt him. He didn’t want to be doing this wrong all over again. He didn’t want to lure Regulus in with false assurances or promises he couldn’t keep. James could not lie to himself, he refused to delude himself actually. Regulus liked sex, he had even told James that. James… well he still hasn’t really figured that out, but he doesn’t want to trick Regulus into something he doesn’t actually want.
Carefully, so as not to wake Peter up, James got out of bed and went to the bathroom. His eyes felt heavy and the knots in his stomach still haven’t gone away. He needed to talk to Regulus. James needed to apologize and clear the air and basically beg for forgiveness. Leaving like that was… well from an outside perspective it was a shitty thing to do, James could see how easily he could appear like an asshole for that.
He knew Sirius was planning breakfast with Regulus before he left, and James wanted to get the conversation out of the way before that. And he needed to talk to Sirius before Regulus did.
James had a lot to do.
He took a shower while Peter was sleeping and put the same pants on as last night. He would need to go get a new key since he just left his in there when he left, and he didn’t expect Regulus to have stayed. They were going back on the tour bus tonight, so James packed all of his things up as well. There was no sign that anything happened last night, no sign that Regulus had ever laid next to him or that he had opened his lips under James’ easily. It was like it never happened.
Before James could go talk to either of the Black brothers though, Remus was knocking on his door. He was also freshly showered, his hair damp and in a messy mop on top of his head. He would have looked absolutely adorable if it wasn’t for the look on his face.
“Moony?”
Remus raised an eyebrow, silently asking if he could come in. James let him, of course, he couldn’t think of any reason not to. He sat down on the edge of the bed, arms behind him as he rested on them and settled a very unimpressed look onto James.
James’ eyes were blurry, the kind where everything was unfocused and it actually stung a little to keep them open. He supposed it was deserved after only sleeping three or four hours.
“What?”
“You know what.”
And… well he really could have only meant one thing. But James was just so sure that Regulus would not talk to Remus about it, of all people, that he didn’t know what to say. Not that there was anything wrong with talking to Remus, but he was a bit of a conflict of interest being Sirius’ boyfriend.
“Do I?”
Remus smiled. “He had a hickey, Prongs.”
It took everything in him to not groan. He completely forgot about that, he hadn’t even meant to leave one, but Regulus’ neck was so inviting, and really, James had been fighting the urge to bite Regulus for weeks at this point, so it wasn't his fault.
“Fuck.”
“What happened?”
That was the million dollar question, the one that James genuinely could not figure out.
“I don’t know.”
Remus frowned. “Prongs… I mean, you gotta give me something here, because he sort of just ran off and left me to tell Sirius and I don’t know what to say.”
“He left?” James asked, louder than he meant to.
No. No because if Regulus left already then James couldn’t explain himself; he couldn’t fix this mess he made. So he needed Regulus to still be here.
“A couple hours ago.”
He couldn’t even blame Regulus. It was his fault. James probably would have left too, but he hoped that Regulus would at least sleep before flying halfway across the world just to get away from him. This just further solidified that James had made all the wrong decisions. He finally got what he wanted, and then he found a way to mess it up. Regulus had every right to be angry or upset with him, James knew that. Still, he hoped he would answer his phone at the very least.
Remus didn’t say anything while James dialed his number three times, not until James was just about ready to throw his phone across the room. He hated feeling like this; frustrated and out of control. Remus knew all about it, he was perhaps the only person who actually made James feel normal about it. He wanted to crawl out of his own skin just so he could cause damage to it, and Remus would be there the whole time, not scared. Never scared of James.
“Fuck. I’m sorry, Moony,” James said, sitting down next to him and trying not to punch a wall.
“Will you tell me what happened now?” Remus asked.
The complicated thing about your friends dating each other was that it was hard to tell where their loyalties were. And while James knew that Remus was very good at keeping secrets and not sharing things that had nothing to do with him, Sirius was a huge gossip, and he was quite the drama queen. And James didn’t want to force him to keep secrets already, but he needed to be the one to tell Sirius.
“Moony. Will you- umm. Can you keep this between us?” he asked, already cringing when the words came out of his mouth. It wasn’t like it was a secret anymore, James had already gone and told Peter right after it happened, it was all going to get out eventually.
“For now.”
James pulled his bottom lip in between his teeth, biting it and accepting what Remus was saying. James was on a bit of a time clock to tell Sirius, which was probably for the best or who knew how long he would keep it to himself.
Actually, he had a lot he needed to discuss with Sirius, starting with the hickey’s that were on Remus’ neck. He was being incredibly tight lipped about their whole ‘relationship’. James didn’t even know if they were dating at this point.
And so, for the second time, James told the story of his night out with Regulus, wishing he could have ended it by saying that they snogged a bit and went to bed, but instead having to tell Remus the truth because otherwise there would have been no point to it at all.
The more times James thought about the events, the more idiotic they seemed. Kissing was supposed to feel good, James should allow himself to feel good, and yet he can’t. He just doesn’t know how to, he doesn’t know what to do with himself.
Remus listened patiently, and he didn’t interrupt like Peter did with a billion questions. But Remus tended to be slightly judgemental, which James didn’t prepare himself for. At least not enough.
“You’re such an idiot,” Remus mumbled, it didn’t sound nice like when Regulus called him an idiot.
“I know.”
“You have to tell Sirius.”
James knew that too, but he really didn’t want to. Maybe it would have been easier if he would have gone to Sirius right away, right when he realized he liked Regulus. Or maybe it would have been easier if James wouldn’t have gabbed to Sirius about his crush and pretended like it wasn’t Regulus. Or maybe it would have been easier if James wouldn’t have left Regulus alone in a hotel room just after snogging him. But now James dug himself a hole and he had nowhere to go.
“I will,” James promised him. And, because he needed a distraction… “So, are you and Sirius like…together?”
Remus glared at him for only a moment before his expression dropped. James rested his head on his shoulder in what was hopefully a comforting touch and not an overbearing one. Remus would tell him if it was though, which James appreciated. He never wanted to be too much.
“I don’t even know at this point.”
James laughed a little, nodding his head in understanding. “The Black brothers,” James mused, knowing that didn’t even begin to cover all of the complications that came with loving them. It would never not be worth it though, James didn’t have a single regret in getting to know Regulus and he never regretted loving Sirius.
“We’re no match for them.”
James thought that was an understatement.
***
Regulus slept his entire flight, which normally would not have been an issue. He knew he needed to, seeing as he was awake literally all night. Except he just slept for the entire day, and the time in London was way ahead, meaning it was already late at night by the time he arrived. Regulus hated losing time, he hated how he had to jump into the future without any say in it.
He also did not think that hard about what it would be like to actually go back home. It’s been almost a month because there were those couple of weeks he was traveling with the ballet before he sprained his wrist, and then the last two weeks with Sirius. And while he was in the country last week, he hadn’t actually been to his own flat in a long time.
Everything was exactly how he left it. Spotless and untouched and cold. Regulus’ flat was always cold. And empty, he was always the only person ever there. He used to relish that fact. He loved the idea of actually having a place to call home, somewhere his parents never stepped foot in and never tainted. Regulus tainted it enough himself, anyway. But… well he was a bit sad now. Orion has never been in Regulus’ flat and will now never even have the opportunity, and that was so jarring that Regulus had to lean against a wall for support.
His father will never know where Regulus has lived for the past couple of years.
He wasn’t suddenly filled with the urge to invite his mother over for tea or anything, but he wondered why they had never even tried to visit. Didn’t they want to see where he lived? He was their son.
He moved about his flat slowly, still a bit off from sleeping on the plane and the time change. He plugged his phone in in the kitchen; it had died almost the second he got on the plane and he couldn’t be bothered to dig his charger out of his bag. Then he went to his bedroom and threw his bags on the bed, deciding he could simply deal with those later.
Regulus took a shower, he started a load of laundry, he picked up his room, he basically did everything he could possibly think of before going back to pick up his phone. It was fully charged now, which was not the sort of relief it normally would have been, not when he saw his notifications.
4 missed calls from James. Three messages. Regulus didn’t look at them, he could talk to James later, if he really wanted. He doubted he would.
He had just one missed call from Sirius, who at least knew better than to try and blow up Regulus’ phone. He was much less inclined to answer if he thought he was being pestered, something Pandora knew but never cared about. If she wanted to get ahold of him, she would find a way
And then he had like twenty messages from a group chat with his friends, which he found himself actually smiling at a little bit. They were idiots, but they were the only people that Regulus wasn’t scared of loving.
Barty
Reg????
bro???
Evan
are you home?
Pandora
home?
Barty
he went home
Dorcas
What? Why?
Barty
James :))
Evan
he’s going to kill you for that
Barty
I know
Pandora
what happened?
Evan
ask him yourself
Dorcas
:(
three hours later
Regulus
I’m home
Barty
oh he finally responded
thank you for letting us know your plane didn’t crash !!
feeling really very valued as a friend !!
Regulus
That didn’t feel genuine
Barty
it wasn’t <3
Dorcas
what happened ?!
Regulus
Nothing.
Pandora
that’s so clearly a lie
Dorcas
agreed
Barty
i know you did not wake me up at five in the morning for ‘nothing’
Regulus
Barty
Shut up
Barty
awwww
luv you too <3
Dorcas and Pandora would both be over to his flat in less than a minute once they found out what happened. And while he didn’t really want to be alone, he also didn’t want to hang out with people who were going to make him talk about it.
So he called Sirius. Really he was just hoping James wasn’t stupid enough to tell Sirius about what happened, but it’s been hours now and James had a big mouth. Actually he had a very nice mouth, Regulus found that out for himself. James’ ego was perfectly fine the way it was, so Regulus would never ever tell him this, ever, but James was a very good kisser. He just…
“Hello?”
Regulus was taken out of his daydream, forgetting he ever even dialed Sirius’ number. “Oh, hi.”
“That’s it?” Sirius asked, and Regulus remembered he was probably angry with him. He sort of just vanished, yes, but James did it first. Turnabout and all that.
“Sorry?”
“But are you actually?”
“No,” he admitted. He didn’t feel that bad about it at all, Sirius would get over it eventually.
“You’re infuriating, you know that?”
“Yes.”
“Regulus.”
“What?”
“Why’d you leave so early? And why would you tell Remus?”
Regulus smiled a little. Sirius was a jealous person, and it even translated over to his brother having any semblance of a relationship with his boyfriend. “I like Remus,” he said, in the mood to annoy Sirius.
“You what?” he asked, loudly. “Moony! Are you having an affair with my brother?”
Regulus waited patiently while Remus had to convince Sirius that they were in fact not having an affair, Regulus only fed more into it from over the phone. “I mean you should see the hickey he left on my neck,” Regulus mused, fingers dancing over the mark and remembering who actually left it. The smile left his face a moment after that, the other memories surfacing with it.
“A hickey! Remus!”
There was a beat of shuffling. “Regulus?” asked the voice of Remus Lupin.
“Hello,” he drawled, far too amused with this, a smile teasing at his mouth again.
“I know who actually left a hickey,” he said, voice quieter now, probably so that Sirius couldn’t hear him. Although it confirmed what Regulus already thought to be true, Remus knows. Regulus surprised himself with how little he actually cared about that. James could tell whoever he wanted, he could embarrass Regulus however he wanted, he no longer cared.
James was a rockstar, Regulus should have expected would hurt him eventually. Rockstar’s have reputations for a reason.
“Do you?”
“Yes.”
“Going to tell my brother, then?”
“Prongs! They’re gossiping,” Sirius said, most likely to James. His voice was loud and rang clear through the phone. Regulus already suspected he was going to get passed around again until the phone got to James, so he said a quick goodbye to Remus and hung up without waiting to hear his response.
Okay, so maybe Regulus wasn’t over it, considering how quickly he hung up the phone to avoid talking to Hames. He didn’t care to hear his apologies. It wasn’t even really a big deal. They just kissed, and it was great. It was everything Regulus didn’t know he wanted, and that was it. That’s all it will ever be because he genuinely has no intentions of speaking to James about it ever again.
Thankfully, he had plenty of things he could delve into. Seeing as he’s unemployed, he now has to work toward his new passion. The thing was, Regulus never really had to work for anything before. Everything came easily to him, he hardly had to try.
Trying to be a music producer when he doesn't have any official credit in the field was going to be a challenge. Another problem was that he didn’t want to work for anyone, which made his life ten times harder, but would also be worth it. Regulus’ whole life has been dictated in one way or another. From the subjects he took in school, where he went to dance class, what he ate for breakfast, all of it was decided by somebody other than himself. This was probably the first thing he was doing for himself.
Sirius’ brand was always music, and maybe he would be mad that Regulus was going to be more in his space, but it wasn’t like they had to work together, and it wasn’t like Regulus was going to be out and performing on a stage every night. That was very much not his idea of a good time. With ballet it was different. It wasn’t his choreography or his story, there wasn’t any real vulnerability into what Regulus decided to put on stage, it was all fake. Sirius performed about himself, he sang songs that he wrote about his life, and that was something that Regulus always knew he couldn’t do.
———
He was sitting in the middle of his bed, laptops and notebooks surrounding him as he just did research. It wasn’t the first time Regulus spent hours focusing on one specific thing, he did it whenever something caught his interest, actually. This was however the first time he was doing it for a reason.
He looked a bit crazy, there was a plate covered in jam from the toast he had to eat for dinner and three different mugs on his bedside table. He couldn’t make up his mind on what he wanted to drink, so he kept walking back to his kitchen to make something different. He was making his way through a chai tea when he heard a very loud knock at his front door.
He froze, listening for any sign of who it was and not hearing anything. He hoped that they would just go away, and he had a pretty good idea of who it was. There were not very many people within a twenty mile radius to him at the moment that knew where he lived and would be looking for him. Actually, the list was incredibly short.
“Regulus! Open the door, we know you’re awake!”
Dorcas. And likely Pandora. They would sooner break his door down than give up. Carefully, so that he didn’t drop any papers or spill any crumbs, he got out of bed with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders. It was actually very late. The sun had set a long time ago and Regulus normally would have been asleep had he not slept on the plane.
When he opened the door he originally expected to see the two of them with their arms crossed, staring him down until he inevitably broke and told them everything. What he saw instead was Dorcas and Pandora with board games and copious amounts of alcohol and pyjamas.
“Broken hearts club?” Dorcas offered with a smile. She pulled a bottle of wine out of the bag and waved it in front of his face.
Regulus looked at it and then looked back at her. “I’m not broken hearted,” he insisted.
Pandora beamed at him, reaching up and patting the side of his face one time before walking inside. “Okay, Reg. Whatever you say.”
”I’m not,” he said, stepping back to let Dorcas in, not sure if he even believed himself at this point.