Impulsivities
Okay, James knew it was a bad idea. He knew it the moment he said it. Actually, he knew it before the words even left his mouth. But he couldn’t help himself. She just made him so mad, a type of anger that James didn’t even know he was capable of. It was supposed to be a good night, he was going to have a good time.
And, they won 3/3 awards! This was supposed to be their night, they were supposed to feel good about it. And James could only think about how angry he was. He tried pushing it away, smothering the anger and letting himself be happy like he normally was.
It wasn’t working.
So, yeah. He might have called her out in front of the entire world. But he never used her name, nobody even knew they dated in secondary school.
They were waiting backstage for Mary. James felt like a child again, he knew he messed up, he went off script. They were probably never going to let him speak again, now.
James really had written Maniac about Alecto. For a long time, James thought it was his fault. He thought that he deserved everything she did to him because he wouldn’t sleep with her. It couldn’t have felt good, knowing your boyfriend wasn’t interested in having sex with you, especially because of the reputation men got for always wanting sex. So, James blamed himself. But it wasn’t like there was anything he could do, he didn’t want to sleep with her, and he couldn’t even pretend he did. He knew there was something wrong with him because of it, but he didn’t know what to do.
Still, he eventually realized that it wasn’t all his fault. Alecto was equally wrong in their relationship. She cheated on him, something James didn’t learn until closer to the end of everything that happened between them. She would call him names to her friends, and she started spreading rumors about him.
James was popular in school, he was. But rumors affect everyone, and if the girl dating the most popular guy in school says he can’t get it up, then that sticks. Plenty of people thought he was gay, which he supposes he is, although he didn’t know that in secondary.
Then, just suddenly, she moved schools and everyone forgot about it. Everyone except for James, at least. He’s pretty sure he’s never been in a worse state than in his sixth year.
“Prongs,” Sirius said, snapping him out of his trance. James was sitting on the ground at this point, trying to comfort himself. Had he really said that? Live? Sirius sat down next to him, resting his head on his shoulder. Peter did the same thing on the other side. He didn’t know where Remus was, he was too out of it to really care.
“Pads.”
“That was kind of stupid, you know?”
James managed a small laugh. “Yeah, I know.”
“Bitch deserved it though,” Peter said. James gave him a small look. He didn’t like when his friends talked negatively about her, even if she did deserve it. She was still a person, just as complex as the rest of them. Of course, her complexities felt a bit more evil than any others, but still. He was always going to try to be the bigger person. “Sorry.”
Sirius sighed. “I don’t know why you don’t just let us deal with it.”
“Because it’s fine,” James insisted. He could deal with seeing Alecto a couple times a year at events like these.
“You don’t deserve it,” Peter told him.
Don’t I?
James had done enough to Alecto to feel a little bit like he did deserve it. This was just the karma he got for being a bad boyfriend. He felt like he got off pretty easily, actually, all things considered. Alecto could have easily chosen to pester him more often than she did, she could have gone public with details of their relationship and possibly ruined James’ reputation again.
When Remus returned it was with Ava, Mary, and Regulus.
Mary had her arms crossed as she looked at the three of them on the ground. People had been walking back and forth the entire time, not paying them much attention. Weirder things have happened at award shows, that much was safe to say.
“James,” she said, disappointed. He knew he was only making her job harder, but it wasn’t like he did it on purpose.
He tried a smile, maybe he could charm his way out of receiving a lecture. “Mary.”
“You realize that was a very bad idea, right?”
“Yeah. But, well, I mean. I’m feeling better now, isn’t that good?” he asked.
“He’s lying,” Sirius mumbled, probably falling asleep and drooling all over James’ shoulder.
He wasn’t lying. He felt better than he did before. He could manage a real smile, he could even laugh. He did feel bad about what he said, which actually made him feel worse, but as a whole he was feeling much much better.
“Can we go to an after party?”
“No,” Peter and Remus chorused at the same time. Sirius lifted his hand in agreement. They were all too tired for an after party, apparently. But James was full of energy still, he wanted to go out and have fun.
If he was being honest, he really just wanted to perform again, he wanted to be on a stage with his best mates and his favorite six string. He wanted to feed off the energy of the crowd. It was an addicting feeling, James was learning. Having a couple days off was nice, yes. But it was absolutely nothing compared to the rush he felt when he was up there. Nothing even came close. Not drugs, not alcohol-
“James?”
He was brought out of his daydream from Regulus who was looking at him with so much more emotion than James had ever seen him willingly present. His eyes were open and they were full, and they were looking at James. Maybe he had been wrong to think that there was nothing close to the feeling he got when on stage. Because when Regulus looked at him like that, and spoke his name in such a soft cadence, James knew he would be fine if he never stepped foot on a stage again.
“James?” he said again. He hadn’t realized he kept zoning out, getting lost in his thoughts. His friends were probably worried he was putting too much thought into Alecto, but he stopped putting merit into the words she said years ago.
“Hmm? Sorry, what?” he asked, blinking a couple times to clear his mind. It felt foggier than it normally did.
Regulus shook his head and James saw him put the stone wall back up. “Nothing, you were just staring.”
“Was I?” He genuinely had not known that, although it wasn’t exactly improbable. Regulus was a very pleasant person to stare at, he couldn’t help if his subconscious eye just wanted to see as much of him as possible before he left.
James had barely thought about that, actually. That Regulus was leaving. His cast was off, Sirius was noticeably less worried about his well-being, and he was miserable on the tour with them. There were times where James could pretend that Regulus was having fun, when he saw him laughing with Barty and Evan, when they were at the beach and he was chatting with Marlene, even at the shows when he was just standing in the wings. But he hated the tour bus and living one day at a time was probably not how Regulus preferred to structure his time. He was a ballet dancer, structure was his motto.
“Yeah, you were.”
“Sorry,” he said with a smile, not apologetic in the slightest.
Regulus rolled his eyes, leaning against the opposite wall and looking up. “Mhm, whatever James.”
It made him smile even more. Something about the way Regulus said his name was different, like nothing he had ever heard before. He accentuated the m, he almost completely disregarded the s, adding it to the end as though it were an afterthought.
Jamme s
It was sweet, honey to his ears, dripping on the harshest parts of his brain and soothing them.
“You need to issue an apology.”
James looked at Mary, his smile dropping. “For what?”
“Mate, you called her a maniac on live television,” Peter said, nuzzling his head a bit deeper into James’ shoulder. He was probably about to fall asleep too.
“I didn’t address her by name,” he pointed out. He might have been angry, but he wasn’t stupid enough to actually call her out. He made a statement that only the people closest to him would really be able to decode, there wasn’t anybody for him to apologize to.
“If you don’t apologize there’s a very high possibility she’s going to retaliate,” Mary told him.
Mary knew about Alecto, she’d even met her before. So her saying this wasn’t out of left field or even an educated guess. Alecto would say something negative about him, whether it be indirectly or not.
“He shouldn't have to,” Sirius said, sitting up now.
“Pads, it’s fine. I made a mistake.”
“No. You didn’t.”
“Sirius,” Mary said, her tone a bit clipped. She was stressed, James felt a bit sick to his stomach knowing that he caused some of it. With the riot he basically caused about coming out, and now with this. He never meant to make anybody’s job harder, he just wanted to be able to be himself. In fame, he isn’t afforded that luxury. Really, nobody is. It’s all about making money, and the best way to do that is to be ingenuine.
“I’m sorry, Mary, I am. But James will not be apologizing to her,” Sirius said.
James kept his mouth shut, he didn’t know what to do anymore.
“What if… What if I talk to her?” he suggested.
“Not happening,” Remus said almost immediately.
“But I could explain to her-”
“Prongs, no. You don’t… She doesn’t deserve an explanation,” Sirius said.
James heard the distinct sound of footsteps walking away, and when he looked up he was surprised to see it was Regulus leaving without a word. James scared him off, most likely.
———
Admittedly, James probably had a little bit too much to drink. He was practically bouncing around the hotel room, trying to catch Sirius up on everything that happened while he was gone, which ended up being a lot more than he thought.
There were the interviews, which could have gone much, much worse. Granted, they also could have gone a lot better but hardly anybody was blaming Remus for any of it. There were all of the meetings with Mary and their management in general.
And that was when James finally remembered the most important part.
“Oh, yeah!” he said, turning back around to look at Sirius. James was pacing about and he was just sitting on the bed with a guitar. So, maybe James just sort of barged in while Sirius was trying to get out some creative energy, but he could feel bad about it later. For now, he was drunk. “I forgot to tell you.”
“Tell me what?”
James smiled. “I want to come out.”
Sirius looked up, a bit confused. “Prongs, I know you’re gay.”
“To the world, Pads. I want the whole world to know,” James clarified. He was still so excited about it. He would need to formulate a plan, or a good way to get it out to everybody. He supposed he could post on Instagram, but that didn’t feel official enough.
“No, you don’t.”
James frowned. “What? Yes, I do.” He wasn’t sure about much these days, but he knew he wanted to come out and let the world know that it was okay to love who they love. There weren't nearly enough people spreading that message.
Sirius shook his head, putting his guitar to the side. “It isn’t that simple.”
“It is.”
“James-”
“I don’t care about the backlash.” Sirius shut his mouth tightly for a moment, blowing out a deep puff of air through his nose and trying to take deep breaths. James wasn’t relenting though, who cares what people say? He surely didn’t.
“Prongs, you say that now but… but I mean you don’t know what it will be like.”
“Neither do you.”
Nobody knew what the response would be like for any of them, but that was part of the risk. He didn’t want to hide forever out of fear, and he knew Sirius didn’t either. They weren’t the type to back off of something because of the possible repercussions, and James knew that everything Sirius was saying was coming straight from Mary. She supported them, yes, but she was also just trying to make money at the end of the day.
Sirius mulled it over, but there was still so much more for him to think about.
“I also think we should drop Slytherin Records,” James announced, saying it out loud for the first time. It sounded right to him, it sounded like exactly what they needed to do. He wouldn’t suggest it to Remus and Peter without knowing Sirius was in his corner though. Together they would be unstoppable, but that didn’t mean it would be easy.
“We should,” Sirius responded almost immediately.
“Yeah?”
“Prongs, I’ve been wanting to drop them since we signed, really. But, well what prompted this? I mean, we’ve never even talked about it before.”
“We had meetings today,” James said. Sirius knew about them, in fact he was supposed to actually show up for them, but he didn’t. He got a pass because his father was dead. And, while James knew he did not actually care about Orion, the people at Slytherin Records did not know that. “And, well they were upset with Moony, about what he said in the interview. And then they said they would never let you come out and… well yeah. That’s why.”
“You know what that means though, right?”
He nodded. It would be a lot of work. They would have to basically start from the bottom again, find some way to produce their music and perform their songs live. They would have a bit of a head start from the last time at least, but it wasn’t going to be easy.
Sirius smiled. “Okay. Then I think we should do it.”
***
Regulus did not act on impulse. He thought things out thoroughly before doing anything, no matter how small or big. He had had to learn it, but years in the Black house taught him how to think very carefully before he acted. It was simply second nature now.
With that said, Regulus had no excuse for his actions. He did not think, he just did. And that’s saying something because of how much forethought he needed to put into it. He needed to call the hotel, he needed to come up with an alias, and then he needed to get there without worrying Sirius.
All of which he did without thinking. It was instinct, something deep in the pit of his stomach where he felt the need to defend James. He didn’t need to either, he knew that. James would probably be upset with him if he knew what he was up to, but he never had to find out.
On top of it all too, he did research the entire car ride there.
Regulus was pretty sure he knew every last detail about Alecto Carrow. He knew where she worked, her family and friends, he could have found her address if he wanted to. Regulus knew, if necessary, exactly how to get revenge, if it came to that. First, he planned on having a simple and calm conversation.
Regulus knocked on the door twice, loud and hard and hopefully getting the point across that he was angry.
A man opened it. He was disheveled and he looked like he had put pants on just seconds ago, still trying to adjust them. He looked annoyed that Regulus was there, interrupting whatever they were doing.
“Can I help you?”
“I’m looking for Alecto.”
The man cocked his head to the side, looking Regulus up and down. Really, he did not have the energy for this. They could get back to fucking in literally five minutes.
“Why? Who are you?”
“Her husband,” he responded, deadpan. His jaw dropped and he looked backward into the room. “Get out.”
If he would have been in a better mood, Regulus would have laughed at how quickly he left. Literally, he practically ran out of the room, not even bothering to go back for his shirt.
But he was not in a good mood, so he did not laugh. Instead, he slipped into the room, not surprised to see Alecto sitting in the bed with a sheet wrapped around her. Regulus found a shirt on the ground and tossed it to her, turning around and waiting for her to get dressed.
“Who are you?” she asked. Regulus still heard her shuffling so he didn’t turn around until she gave him the okay.
“Friend of a friend,” he responded, spinning on his heel.
Alecto looked at him closely, and he did the same to her. She was probably trying to figure out who he was, and he was trying to find something he could use against her. He was very good at reading people, always has been. Alecto was no different, she showed almost every single thing she was thinking right on her face.
Alecto was a music producer, she didn’t have the same types of training that the people in the spotlight did. She didn’t know how to hide what she felt or mask her emotions, and Regulus was thankful. It made his part all that much easier.
For example, Regulus knew that she thought he was attractive (he also knew this), and then she got annoyed that he barged into her room (again, he understood), and then the recognition settled into her face, likely remembering how he had stood behind James.
“Oh, you’re a friend of Potter’s, then?” she asked, her voice raising an octave to become close to unbearable.
He shrugged. “I wouldn’t say that.”
“No? What would you say then?”
Regulus smiled, glad that this was going exactly the way he wanted it to. “I’d say the enemy of my enemy is my closest friend.”
Now she smiled, completely unaware that he was playing her and it was working. Regulus might have hated James, but he hated seeing him upset almost ten times more.
She stuck her hand out for him. “Hi, I’m Alecto.”
“I know who you are,” he said, refusing to touch her. He sat down on the chair, crossing one leg over the other and getting comfortable. When Regulus said he did research, he meant he thoroughly did research. Alecto was not married, but she did have a very serious boyfriend who surely would not be happy to hear about all of her escapades.
Still, she didn’t seem to take his crassness as anything other than ordinary, and she sat down on the bed, facing him. She actually started laughing too, as she spoke about James. Regulus tightened his fists, being careful not to show anger on his face, not yet.
“And, I mean can you believe he’s a virgin? He’s a grown adult, it’s pitiful,” she said, still talking.
“I’m a virgin,” Regulus interrupted, completely lying. Of course, he was doing it to prove a point because genuinely who cared? Why was this woman so obsessed with the sex lives of others?
Alecto faltered, looking him up and down. “No, you’re not.”
Regulus shrugged. “I know you’re not,” he said, half gesturing to the shirt that the man left behind.
“What?”
“How’s Colin doing, by the way?” Regulus asked, the picture of nonchalance.
“Colin? You uh… you know Colin?”
Regulus nodded. “Intimately.”
“Who are you?”
“Nobody. Not yet, anyway.” Alecto frowned, trying to get a reading on him. Yeah, simply not happening. Regulus stood up. He understood how power worked, he knew how to use it to his advantage. He was not ashamed of it. “I just wanted to warn you, really.”
“Warn me?” she asked, shrinking back a little bit. It was so minuscule that it would have gone unnoticed, but Regulus was paying very close attention. He gave credit where it was due, she was smarter than she seemed.
Regulus nodded. “Yes.”
“About what?”
This time, when he smiled, it was nothing like before. It was dripping in anger and revenge, it was not reassuring and it was not friendly. “That if you ever come near James again, I will make sure you live to regret it.”
Alecto froze, and then she scoffed. “Really?”
She could underestimate him all she wanted. Even better if he actually got to act out his revenge plans, actually. Let her think he was joking, or that he was harmless. He was being dead serious.
Regulus shrugged. “I’ve warned you, that’s all I came to do.”
———
Finding James was easy. Actually, Regulus didn’t even need to try.
He swiped the key to open his hotel room, and found James and Sirius in the bed. Sirius was knocked out cold, and once he was asleep there was simply no waking him up. When they were kids the slightest sound would have him bolting up from his bed, but Regulus learned very quickly that it wasn’t the case anymore.
James was mostly wide awake, sitting up with his back to the wall, scrolling on his phone. There was an acoustic guitar at the edge of the bed that Sirius was close to knocking off with his feet, but James didn’t seem too bothered to move it.
He looked up when Regulus came in and they stared at each other for a moment, both of them waiting for the other one to speak first.
James had changed into pajamas by now and Regulus was still in his clothes and makeup from the award show. He desperately wanted to change, and he started by taking off the rings, setting them on the dresser when James didn’t say something right away.
“Hi,” James whispered softly. Regulus caught his eye in the mirror, barely able to see him because of how low the lighting was. There was only one lamp on at the lowest setting, creating a halo around James. Regulus thought it was fitting. “Where have you been?”
The way he asked it wasn’t accusatory, which meant he didn’t know. Which was good. He didn’t want James to find out. Ever.
“Just clearing my head.”
“Oh.”
Regulus went into the bathroom, grabbing his t-shirt and sweatpants to go change. It didn’t look like James had any intentions of leaving, so he shut the door behind him and got unready from the day, wiping off the makeup to the best of his ability and getting into his pajamas. Some of the eyeliner wouldn’t come off with just water, so he gave up after almost a minute of scrubbing at it, deciding it could wait.
When Regulus came back out, he was actually surprised to see that James wasn’t on the bed anymore. He would have thought he left completely if it wasn’t for the gentle breeze that wasn’t there before. James was on the balcony.
Regulus’ feet started moving before he could even think about it, sliding the door shut softly as he joined James.
“Sorry, my room doesn’t have one of these,” James explained, a cigarette between his lips.
“I don’t mind.”
James offered him one, but Regulus turned it down. He did not need to become addicted, and he could feel himself slowly losing control the more often he smoked.
James took a deep breath, blowing out a large puff of smoke and looking up at the night sky. “Where are you?” he asked.
Regulus knew the night sky like the back of his hand. He had studied it at all times of the year at all hours of the night. So, he pointed at one star, the brightest one in it’s area, and yet almost completely dimmed.
“It’s easier to see in the winter.”
James nodded, his eyebrows scrunched together in confusion as he tried to find what Regulus was pointing at. It was no use, he wouldn’t really be able to show James for a couple more months anyway.
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” Regulus asked, genuinely surprised by the words. If anything he should be the one apologizing.
“Yeah, I kind of ruined tonight by being… well, in a mood.”
James was avoiding his eyes for once, and Regulus was just genuinely confused now. “James, you’re allowed to have a bad night.”
“What?”
“You don’t have to- Nobody’s happy all the time, even you. You can be upset.”
James shook his head, as if he were saying that Regulus was wrong. “I don’t like to be upset.”
“Nobody likes to be upset. It just happens.”
“Not to me.”
“Yes, to you.” James took another deep breath, and eventually he sat down on one of the chairs. Regulus did not realize this was going to be some big revelation for him, not when it seemed so simple to Regulus. “Being miserable makes you human.”
“How?” James asked, asking genuinely.
Regulus felt very out of his element. How was he supposed to tell James that he needed to be sad or angry sometimes? It felt like a very hard thing just then, to have to break the news. He had to tell somebody that was so optimistic that negativity was a very real thing.
“Just let out your emotions.”
“I usually just pretend they aren’t there. The bad ones.”
Regulus felt himself smiling a little bit, not surprised that this was the case. “Well, I mean, if you want, you can tell me.”
James finally looked at him, eyes a bit wide. “I can tell you?”
“I’m quite familiar with negative feelings, James. You can tell me when you need to exist in them.”
“That makes no sense.”
“What makes no sense?”
“Why would I ever want to exist in my anger?”
Regulus shrugged. “Helps you get it out. Try it.”
***
What Regulus was telling him was probably not revolutionary. But to James… Well, it was.
Nobody had ever told him it was okay to not be okay. His parents, as supportive as they were, always advised James to focus on the positive. So, when something bad would happen, James would forget about it, or think about something else, something happier. James never learned how to deal with things like sadness or anger, he was much more concerned with other people.
He was perfectly content to be a shoulder to cry on, or somebody who people went to for advice. James was a rock and he liked being one, he needed to be one. Sirius needed him to be, his parents counted on him, everybody did.
Everyone except for Regulus, apparently, who was literally telling him to be as angry as he wanted. And James was angry, and he was sad and he didn’t know what to do about that. He didn’t have bad days, but if he did he thought that today would count as one.
Starting with the meetings, and then seeing Alecto-
But, well there was a lot of good, too. Sirius came back today, he got to see Regulus and talk to him and he got to spend the night with all of his friends. He saw Mary again after what felt like forever, and they were getting closer to performing again.
“Why would I ever want to exist in my anger?” James asked, the idea seeming impossible to him. It felt unhealthy, to let himself dwell on everything that was only hurting him. It was so much simpler to just forget about all of it, push it to the side and forget it ever happened.
“Helps you get it out,” Regulus told him simply. “Try it.”
James shook his head. “No, I’m not just going to dump it all on you-”
“Potter,” he interrupted, forcing James to shut up. “I don’t need anything from you.”
“What?”
“I don’t need you to be perfect. So just let yourself be angry. Rant about it if you need to, but don’t pretend to be okay when you aren’t.”
“I am okay,” James assured him.
Regulus let out a small laugh. He held his hand out and James realized he wanted a cigarette. Quickly he got the pack out of his pocket, handing Regulus one along with a lighter. “You aren’t okay, James.”
“How do you know?” James said. He felt pretty okay when he was watching Regulus take his first hit off of a cigarette. How was he so good at it? He did it with so much ease that it was enviable.
“Because you were smoking alone.” At first, James was about to point out that Regulus was out there with him. But then he realized that he had come out here by himself, and he hadn’t even thought that deeply about it. “Say it.”
“Say what?”
“Say that you’re having a bad day.”
“But I’m not.”
“What stands out to you about today?”
Alecto
That’s really what it was. A couple years from now, if he were ever to decide to look back on this day, he would only remember that part of it. James didn’t want that to be the case, but there wasn’t all that much he could really do about it. The night was over by then and his day was set in stone.
James sighed. “I’m having a bad day,” he finally said, having to fight himself way too hard to get the words out. Regulus smiled and then he nodded. And that was it. “What? That’s it?” James asked. He expected Regulus to force him to talk about it, similar to what James had done earlier.
“Yes. Why? Is there more you need to say?” Regulus asked, his voice too innocent to be anything but plotting. James did not care that this was his plan, he did not care that it worked and he was proving him right.
“A lot more.”
“I’m listening.”
James did not know what to do with that, not really. He was used to being the person saying that to people, not this inverse reality where he was the one who needed to talk. But, well Sirius was asleep and Regulus had always promised to be objective. He would be judgemental, but he would still be objective.
“Alecto’s my ex-girlfriend,” James said slowly, trying to figure out how to do this. ‘Exist in his anger’ as Regulus had put it.
“What? You dated her?”
James laughed. Now it seemed impossible that they had ever gotten along well enough to date. “For almost a year, actually, yeah.” Regulus visibly did not like that information, but he didn’t interrupt. “And well I mean… there are expectations, you know?”
“Expectations?”
“She wanted me to have sex with her. I mean, yeah it felt like what should have happened next, right? But I just never really felt like it with her. So, I didn’t.”
“Oh,” Regulus said, and it reminded James that he probably sounded like a freak. Alecto was a very good looking person, truthfully, and any sixteen year old boy would have jumped at the opportunity to sleep with her.
“I… I don’t know how much you know about me but well, my sexuality is kind of complicated, I think. I mean, I don’t know. Sirius said something about being demisexual but I don’t really know what that means. Like, well there is someone I wouldn’t mind it with, sex, I mean, but like I don’t want it with everyone, so it’s just-”
“James.”
He shut his mouth, realizing he was rambling. He was basically sober by now, he couldn’t exactly blame it on the fact that he was drunk.
“Sorry. I don’t mean to do that.”
“Don’t apologize, idiot.”
“Sor-”
“James.”
He smiled, fighting the urge to apologize again. It was just his base instinct. “Okay, I do not apologize.”
Regulus rolled his eyes, leaning back against the chair more and kicking his feet up, getting comfortable with a cigarette still dangling between his lips. “You don’t have to explain your sexuality to me. You don’t owe it to anyone. It’s yours.”
“I know. But I still feel like I should explain why I didn’t want to have sex with her. It’s weird.”
“It isn’t.”
“It is,” James argued.
“You’re not weird for not wanting sex. I mean, Evan’s ace, do you think he’s weird?”
James frowned, not knowing that information. “Wait, really?”
He nodded. “Yes, really. I mean, I think it’s more simple for him because he just never wants sex with anyone ever, which at least sounds different than what you’re saying, but yeah. Talk to him.”
“So, well…” he trailed off, unsure how to ask. Regulus was looking at him expectantly, as if the weight of his eyes wasn't enough to drive a man to distraction.
“What?” Regulus said after James took too long to continue.
“You don’t think I’m weird?”
Regulus snorted. “No, James. You’re not weird.” He was probably far too happy to hear that, a genuine smile coming on his face for the first time since after the red carpet. “A bit of an idiot, yes.”
That made James smile even more, a laugh escaping past his lips. He didn’t bother to think too deeply about the part of his brain that liked when Regulus was mean to him.
“Reg?”
“Yeah?”
“I like talking to you,” James said, more honest and sincere than he had ever been, he was sure. And still, it was such an understatement. Talking to Regulus made him feel human and real, James never had to pretend to be anything he wasn’t.
James saw him try to hide his blush, and rather kindly decided to not point it out, only smiling to himself when he noticed it.
“I’m sorry Alecto made you feel like you were weird,” Regulus said eventually.
James shrugged. “Sometimes I think I deserve it.”
“You don’t,” Regulus said, not having any other information on the subject. If he had the whole story he would probably change his mind.
“I wasn’t a good boyfriend.”
“Somehow I don’t believe that.”
“Blind faith is dangerous.”
“I’m waiting for you to prove me wrong.”
James chewed at his bottom lip for a moment, going back in time to remember everything that happened between him and Alecto. Really, there was only one thing that stood out more than everything else.
“I slept with someone after we broke up.”
Regulus looked back to him, confusion clear on his face, and James remembered that Regulus still thought he was a virgin. All he had to go off of was what he told Alecto, which was a lie that he told her each and every time. He could add lying to the things he had done to hurt her.
“Well, you didn’t cheat on her.”
He shook his head. That wasn’t what he was getting at. “She broke up with me because I wouldn’t have sex with her. And… well it made me feel bad and weird and I know I shouldn’t have felt like that now. Everything’s more clear in hindsight, I guess. But, well yeah. I mean, I had sex with a girl I didn’t even know just to prove I could, and I didn’t even like it that much.”
“So, well why do you tell her you’re a virgin?”
He shrugged. “To spare her feelings, I guess. I don’t know. I mean she ruined sex for me, I think. It wasn’t even until recently that I felt…well, anything in that way.”
Regulus didn’t say anything for a very long time, and James didn’t either, the two of them sitting in silence until Regulus finally spoke. “I hate her.”
“You don’t even know her.”
“I don’t need to.”
“Reg-”
“She never should have made you feel like that.”
“Well, I deserved it.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Well it’s true.”
Regulus sighed, and then he suddenly turned in his chair completely, his whole body facing James, his knees knocking close but never touching. His eyes were dark, stormier than they normally were and filled with emotions James had probably never seen before.
“What does that say about the rest of us?”
“What?”
“You say you deserve it. Then I deserve worse.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
“You’re a better person than most, James.”
“I’m not a saint.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Then what are you saying?”
Regulus’ fists clenched, a tiny movement that James barely even caught. He honestly looked like he was wound very tightly. Perhaps James shouldn’t have shared so much information.
“I’m saying give yourself a break.”
James searched his face for some clue as to what was going on underneath and he found nothing. “What’s wrong?”
Regulus moved back a little bit, probably realizing how close they had gotten. “Nothing’s wrong.”
James narrowed his eyes. “You’re acting different.” It was more noticeable now that he was saying it out loud. His jaw was clenched, his hands were still squeezing absolutely nothing, and by know James had spent enough time staring at his eyes to know what they looked like at their most natural.
“I’m not.”
“Are you mad at me?”
“No.”
“Are you lying?”
Regulus stood up then, James followed him with his eyes. “Okay, I am mad at you.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re being an idiot, James.” This was different from Regulus simply being mean to him, this was something else that James didn’t recognize. “You didn’t deserve any of it, okay? Sex isn’t… well it shouldn’t be the most important thing in a relationship.”
“You like sex,” James pointed out.
“Yes. But I don’t need it.”
“But you like it.”
“Well that’s hardly the point.”
“Isn’t it?”
“No, because this has nothing to do with me.”
James stood up now too. He was going to make Regulus understand him. “Alright, let’s work through this, then.”
Regulus didn’t back up, not intimidated by James’ height advantage in the slightest. “Fine.”
“We’ve been dating for six months.” Regulus frowned a little bit, but James kept going. “You’re really horny and I’m your boyfriend. You want to have sex with me. A natural conclusion, right?”
“Okay, sure.”
“And then I say I don’t want to. What do you think?”
“That you don’t want to have sex.”
“With you.”
Regulus brought a hand up to his face. “James, what the hell are you trying to say?”
“Put yourself in Alecto’s shoes.”
“I am and she was wrong.”
“But-”
Regulus shook his head, stopping James from whatever he was about to say. “No, it’s my turn.” James made a gesture as if to say ‘the floor is yours’. “We’re dating. You’re horny. I say I don’t want to have sex. What do you think?”
Having it turned around on him like that changed things. He would respect it immediately if Regulus told him he didn’t want to have sex, he wouldn’t even have to think twice about it. But was it the same? Perhaps for the first time since he broke up with Alecto, James stopped blaming himself. He would never do what she did to someone because they didn’t want to sleep with him.
Regulus seemed to deflate a little bit, less wound up than he had been.
“I want to go to bed.”
James recognized that Regulus was kicking him out, and he understood. It was late and this conversation was heavy for both of them.
“Goodnight, Reg. Thank you.”
He didn’t respond, not that James really expected him to.
He went to his room that night with a smile on his face and the thought that maybe his day hadn’t been all that bad after all.
***
Regulus wanted to kill James.
Or kiss him.
Really, whichever he did first he would be content with.
James was frustrating, acting as if he wasn’t the nicest person in the world, and Regulus was trying to say that as if it were a bad thing. He hated James for being so good and Regulus had to physically restrain himself from just leaning over. He had been so close, right there. And for a moment he thought James would have let him, just for a moment.
It was inappropriate too, because James just told him that he liked someone and it clearly was not Regulus. So kissing him would have been a bad idea, probably equally as messy as murder would have been. So he kicked James out and tried not to scream.
At least he no longer felt guilty about threatening Alecto. He hadn’t needed the whole story, but now that he had it, well it only made him feel more confident in his decisions. Sure, it probably wasn’t his place. Actually, he was well aware that he didn’t have any stake in James to have justified his actions, but it was instinct. A simple carnal thing that he couldn’t explain.
Regulus made a phone call that he knew he would come to regret later, but right now he needed somebody to tell him he wasn’t insane.
“Do you know what time it is?” Barty answered after the third time Regulus called him. He definitely woke him up, he didn’t care.
“Barty.”
“Reg, it’s almost two in the morning. I was sleeping. You woke up Evan too, so now he’s cranky. You know how he is if he’s woken up before he gets seven hours of sleep.”
“I think I like James.”
Barty was absolutely silent on the other line, and for a moment Regulus thought he had hung up the phone completely. He wouldn’t have blamed him, he sounded like a bit of a maniac. Going from hatred to infatuation in a matter of hours.
“You’re such a dumbass,” Barty said after a very long pause.
Regulus sighed, sitting back down on one of the chairs. “Yeah, yeah I know.”
“I’m glad you finally realized it though.”
“What do you mean?”
Barty laughed. “Reg, you’ve liked him since the moment you met him.”
“No, I haven’t.”
“You have.”
“Barty, you’re not helping right now.”
“I’m not trying to.”
“Well, can you?”
“What? Help?”
Regulus was going to chuck his phone off the balcony. He was not doing well with this new information, not when he got so comfortable hating James. He still hated James, although now it was for entirely different reasons.
“Yes.”
“Do you want my advice?”
“Yes.”
“Tell him.”
“Fuck off. I’m not doing that.”
“Why not?”
“Because, that’s stupid,” Regulus reasoned.
“You’re just in love.”
“I’m not in love. I just like him as a friend.”
Barty started laughing, and Regulus could vaguely hear Evan yelling in the background, just trying to sleep. “Then why are you calling me?”
“Because I don’t know what to do.”
It took a lot for Regulus to admit something like that. It probably shouldn’t have been as hard as it was, but he just wasn’t used to not knowing things. He always knew exactly how to cope with things and how to handle many different situations. James was uncharted territory. He was something Regulus had never come close to experiencing, and he couldn’t bear to just let him slip away. Maybe Regulus didn’t deserve to have a friend like James in his life, but he thought that his good karma was built up by now, at least a little bit.
The universe owed him.
“Where is he right now?” Barty asked.
“I kicked him out.”
“Reg…” Barty trailed off, sounding genuinely disappointed in him. “I can’t believe we trust you to make your own decisions. Go talk to him.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Well what am I supposed to say?”
“You’re impossible, you know that?”
Regulus sighed, wanting another cigarette. He picked the pack up from off the table along with the lighter. Only after he had it loosely dangling between his lips and the lighter already sparking a flame did Regulus realize he had the perfect ruse to go and see James. Not that he needed a ruse, or that he wanted to see him. He just needed to return the cigarettes. And the lighter. He was pretty sure it was James’ favorite.
“Hey, Barty,” Regulus said quietly, staring at the pattern on the lighter a bit transfixed. It was purple and it had an array of different pink and purple flowers on it.
“Mhm?”
“I’m gonna go. I’ll call you back later.”
“At least wait until the morning.”
Regulus nodded before remembering they were on the phone. “Right, yeah. Of course. Bye.”
He hung up without waiting for Barty to say something.
Did James leave it here on purpose?
He smoked the cigarette, mulling it over in his head. Maybe James fell asleep already and wouldn’t answer when Regulus knocked. Or he didn’t leave it on purpose and would think Regulus was a bit crazy for bringing it back so late at night. He could wait until morning, technically. But it was probably better to give it back earlier, so he wouldn’t forget.
Rather embarrassingly. Regulus went to the bathroom to check his appearance before he left. He justified it by saying that there might be paparazzi waiting, although even he knew how low the chances of that were.
After that he spent another five minutes pacing in the hallway, trying to work up the courage to just knock.
He was nervous. Why was he nervous? It was just James. He was just returning the things that belonged to him, and then he would leave. Yeah. Okay. No big deal.
He knocked, and for a moment he thought it was too quiet to hear and he was going to knock again, hopefully with more force and more confidence.
Just as he started lifting his hand back up he heard the locks unclicking and the door swinging open.
It was Peter. He was smiling.
“Regulus. A pleasure,” he said, leaning against the doorway.
He could only blink, a bit confused for more than a couple of seconds. This was James’ room, he was sure of it. Somewhere behind Peter he heard a crashing sound. He was blocking Regulus’ view completely though, so he didn’t know what it was or who else was in there.
“Hi.”
Peter cast a quick look behind him into the hotel room before facing forward yet again and fixing his eyes on Regulus. “You look cute.”
“Umm-”
Before he could even respond, not that he knew what to say, the door opened wider and revealed James. He was a bit out of breath but there was still a large grin on his face.
“Hi, Reg,” he said.
Regulus kept his eyes up, not letting them travel down. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, he shouldn’t have been surprised. Actually, he wasn’t surprised at all, just a bit annoyed at how often he kept doing it. Was it really so difficult to just wear a shirt?
Peter started trying to shuffle out. “Well, Prongs, I will just leave you then. Have fun!”
He winked in Regulus’ direction before crossing the hallway to go back to his room. Neither James or Regulus said anything until Peter’s door shut, watching him go. Regulus was using it as an excuse to not say anything. He was lost for words, especially when he realized James had only been watching him, not Peter.
This was a bad idea.
His stomach was in knots and he tried to remember what he was even there for.
“Would you like to come in?” James asked, stepping back to invite more space for Regulus.
He could only manage a nod and he stepped into the room. James let the door close and the two of them stood there in silence for a moment. James’ room was messier than Sirius’ was. There were music sheets on the bed, a guitar resting against the wall, clothes thrown everywhere, and a couple containers of food sitting on the dresser.
James started to clean it up a bit quickly, throwing the containers in the trash and stacking the papers on the bedside table.
“I umm, I wanted to thank you,” James said once the bed was clean enough for him to sit on. Regulus stood awkwardly before realizing James was waiting for him to sit next to him.
Regulus swallowed the lump in his throat and sat down, careful not to touch James. Every single nerve in his body was on fire, and he was sure he would do something stupid if there was actually any physical contact.
“Thank me?” he said, barely registering the words that came out of his mouth. He was more focused on James’ thighs and how close they were to bumping into Regulus, or the way his hand was resting just inches from Regulus’ own legs.
James seemed much more in control, trying to hold eye contact with Regulus even when he could barely return it. He had an easy smile on his face, as if this whole thing wasn’t extremely painful.
Painful only in the sense that Regulus was having to physically restrain himself from reaching out and touching James. It was an urge he was not used to feeling, but James was just so warm.
James was warm and he was the sun. Regulus was going blind but he couldn’t look away, he never wanted to look away.