balancing act

James was having a hard time keeping it together. He had to force Peter into his room to listen to him just spew absolute nonsense for almost thirty minutes. Regulus did not know what he was doing to him, James was hardly aware of it until tonight. He wasn’t sure he could classify his feelings as a crush anymore, not unless he was trying to lie to himself. 

And now Regulus was here, in his hotel room, sitting next to him in bed with fluffy hair and flushed cheeks. James was so far out of his element, he didn’t know what to do.

Technically it was a new day. It was after midnight and James was surely not thinking about the events of the day prior anymore. How could he? His thoughts were consumed by Regulus. He was tapping his fingers again, the same pattern as before, except he kept messing it up more often than he normally did and starting over from the beginning.

And of course Regulus decided to visit him when the room was a disaster. Peter had made them food and James had thrown all of his things around while trying to find his favorite t-shirt. He never ended up finding it, suddenly grateful when he saw how Regulus kept tracing the lines of his torso.

Still, he took those couple of minutes he spent cleaning up to think of the perfect thing to say. He had nothing. For once James was more or less speechless. Regulus had just shown up here, and James was delighted. But he was also so confused. Had Regulus not just kicked him out under the pretense that he was going to sleep?

James knew it had been a lie. But, well he also understood that perhaps Regulus just wanted to be alone. James personally did not want to ever leave his side, but that was because he tended to cling on to the people he cared about, and Regulus was now one of them.

Slowly, cautiously, Regulus came to sit down next to him on the bed, leaving more than enough space between the two of them. Too much space, James thought.

They were both silent for a moment.

Fucking say something

He’s in your bed. Say something

“I wanted to thank you,” James said, it being the only thing he could think of.

“Thank me?” 

James didn’t know if they were being quiet on purpose, if it was just the atmosphere of being awake past midnight, or if they were scared to speak too loudly for fear of breaking the feeling that had settled in the room. James didn’t have a word for it. There wasn’t a word for it. Not for the soft glances or the buzzing feeling between their bodies. It was there though. James could feel it, he could feel the heat of Regulus’ skin, he knew just how close they were without even needing to look.

“For today.”

“Oh.”

James was actually very glad that Regulus came to his room, despite still not knowing the reason. It proved that he hadn’t scared him away. What he said was enough to send most people running for the hills, and it wasn’t like his history with Alecto wasn’t complicated. It was a very complex thing that James himself had a hard time understanding. He tried figuring out when everything went wrong with them, and the easiest answer would be to say when James said he didn’t want to have sex with her. But, in reality, things between them were hurtling towards the ground long before that.

“This is normally the part where you say you’re welcome,” James prompted.

Regulus shook his head. “No, it isn’t.”

“It is.”

A small smile grew on his face while he looked down at his hands, trying to hide it. “We aren’t doing this again.”

James smiled with him, powerless to stop it. “We are.”

“We’re not.”

“We are.”

He opened his mouth to say something and then promptly closed it, letting out a small laugh. James could see him visibly relax as he leaned against the wall, spreading his legs out and putting his arms over his stomach, crossing his fingers together on top of it.

“You did that on purpose.”

James beamed at him, liking how much easier he could see Regulus’ face now. “Might’ve done, yeah.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“You find it endearing.”

“I find it ridiculous,” Regulus corrected.

“And endearing.”

“I don’t believe I said that.”

James shrugged. “It was implied.”

“Oh, was it?”

“Mhm. Obviously.” Regulus didn’t respond, but he looked more than comfortable where he was. James was still searching for something of merit to say, but he was coming up short. “Reg?”

“James.”

“Not that I’m not delighted to see you here, but… Well, why are you here?” Regulus looked genuinely confused for a moment like he forgot the actual reason he was there too. His eyes shifted and he pulled something out of his back pocket. “We can’t smoke in the hotel room.”

“They’re yours, idiot. You left them.”

James finally accepted the pack that he was trying to hand him, now feeling just as confused. This was definitely a trip that could have waited until the morning. He tried not to think about the implications of that, but he couldn’t help it. Regulus was in his room. His room.

“Did I?” James said distractedly. Regulus had crossed his legs, the hem of his sweatpants riding up a little bit. James didn’t wait for a response after that, not when he already knew what Regulus was going to say. “Want to go smoke with me?”

“Again?”

James was already getting up and looking for his shoes, anything to distract from how loud his heart was beating. Could Regulus hear it?

“Yes. We’re going on a walk.”

He had just decided on it, but he was full of too much energy to just sit here, and he wanted to spend time with Regulus. He wanted a lot of things, which was new to him. He didn’t know it could feel like this, he didn’t know this was how it was supposed to feel. It scared him, and it made his stomach erupt with butterflies, and his heartbeat spiked to dangerous levels, and his hands were clammy and sweating. But it was new and James was so consumed by it that he didn’t know what to do. Except go on a walk. He knew how to do that.

Regulus, surprisingly, didn’t fight James on it, and instead he got up and slipped his shoes back on. He had taken them off just before he got in the bed, which James wouldn’t have even cared about, but he was very fond of the action for some reason.

It felt a bit like they were sneaking around, trying to quietly walk down the hallway without making a ton of noise. This was especially hard for James because he was in such a giggly mood, he couldn’t contain it, even when Regulus kept trying to shush him.

They took the stairs and as soon as they entered the stairwell, James stopped trying to hold it back, letting the sound of his laugh reverberate as much as he wanted. It echoed against the concrete and metal, amplifying the sound. Regulus started grinning too, trying to hurry him along but no longer telling him to be quiet.

James took his time though, his cheeks red from how funny he found this all to be. Regulus stopped at the bottom of the staircase, his arms crossed as he waited for James to blind down the last couple of steps. He made a point of skipping loudly, his shoes echoing just like his laugh had done. 

He leaped off the last two, landing directly in front of him and standing so close he actually had to look down to see him. It wasn’t his intention to end up this close, but he was far from complaining. 

James gave him a goofy smile. “Hello.”

Regulus stepped to the side a little, gesturing at the door. “Lead the way, Potter.”

———

James might have gotten them a bit lost. Really, he didn’t know where they were when they left the hotel, so wandering around aimlessly was probably not his smartest idea. 

Rest assured, Regulus made him more than aware of that fact, chain smoking the rest of James’ pack after he admitted he didn’t know where they were. 

“Fucking idiot,” Regulus mumbled. 

“I’m sorry,” James said again, looking around for anything that would tell them where they were. Neither of them had thought to grab their phones, and there was nobody around this late at night. 

“Not you. Me.”

James smiled. “You aren’t an idiot.”

Regulus huffed a small laugh, bringing James’ lighter up to the fourth cigarette he had dangling between his lips. James almost wanted to tell him to relax a little bit, but he had no room to judge. “I am for trusting you to not get us lost.”

James started laughing, leaning against the wall. “Oh, well yeah, that’s on you.”

It was getting close to two in the morning, and it was getting a little bit chilly. Not cold enough to be uncomfortable, but enough that James was glad he grabbed a shirt before he left. 

“I’m gonna miss my flight.”

“You won’t.”

“We’re lost.”

“We’re not,” James lied, looking around for any sort of landmarks. Regulus gave him a look, one that James didn’t even need to try and interpret. It was pretty obvious that he was annoyed. But that was okay. James could fix this. “Okay, we are.”

Regulus actually smiled, just a tiny fleeting thing before he ducked his head, hiding from James. “I know we are.”

“Sirius will find us,” James said confidently. Somebody was going to have to notice they were missing at some point.

“He isn’t going to wake up for hours,” Regulus reminded him.

James needed to find a way to turn this around. He didn’t want Regulus to be mad at him again, not when they were finally making progress. Regulus was letting James care about him and actually be his friend. James wanted more, but he would be content with this for as long as he was allowed to have it.

So, after coming to a quick conclusion, James lightly plucked the cigarette from Regulus’ lips, which earned him a glare but was rather necessary. He had smoked basically the whole pack, and it was full earlier.

“Ready?” 

Not one to waste things though, James finished smoking it before putting the bud out with the soles of his shoes.

Regulus had been watching him the whole time, a mixed look of disbelief and confusion clear on his face before he washed it all away. “I’m not going anywhere else with you.”

The corners of James’ mouth turned up. “I didn’t get us lost on purpose. Plus, we’re just going across the street.”

Naturally, Regulus started looking for where exactly it was that James wanted to go. There really was only one option. Most places were closed this time of night. Most places except for one, that is.

“What the fuck is an IHop?” 

James was delighted that he got to be the person to introduce Regulus to such American delicacies. The first time they ever visited the states, they ate at IHop almost every night, too busy during the normal hours of operation for establishments. Since then he has held the restaurant close to his heart, although Remus had grown tired of it really quickly so they hardly ever went anymore.

Regulus was still waiting for an answer, and James could feel his face light up. He was so glad he brought his wallet now. It had been a half thought, like maybe he would need his ID for something. Now he needed it to treat Regulus.

“It’s the international house of pancakes!”

James held his hand out, practically trying to sprint across the street but not about to do so without Regulus. He looked unimpressed for a moment, and he didn’t take James’ hand, but he looked both ways two times before taking a step off the curb. 

James followed.

***

It smelled sweet. Like syrup and fruit with a small hint of burnt coffee. It was nothing special, really. But James was so excited about it, so Regulus tried to remain as neutral as possible.

They got seated in a booth that was probably sticky, but Regulus was trying very hard not to pay attention to that. James sat across from him and started looking at the menu immediately, talking about his favorite items and what he’s thinking of ordering.

Regulus only watched for a moment. He was honestly a bit peeved that James had gotten them lost. They just went on a simple walk, but it went on for longer than either of them really anticipated, and before they knew it they were somewhere in Las Vegas without a clue how to get back to the hotel. Regulus really did have a flight in the morning, one he was sure to be overtired for at the very best. At the worst he was going to be late and then have to deal with finding a new flight.

Their waitress returned, smiling politely at both of them and then fixing her eyes on James. Did she recognize him? He had forgotten it was a possibility that they could be seen and recognized, but their real lives seemed so far away from them at that moment. They weren’t James Potter and Regulus Black. They were just two regular people who were craving pancakes in the middle of the night.

“Can I get you started with something to drink?” she asked.

James lifted his eyes to look at Regulus, completely missing the way the waitress was looking at him. She was interested, it was obvious.

“Reg?” he asked.

He blinked, not even having thought about it. “Umm, a coffee. Please.”

James smiled. “For me too.”

“I’ll get that right up for you two,” she said with a grin in James’ direction.

He watched her leave, his jaw clenched before he could even realized it was.

“You alright?” James asked.

Regulus turned his head back around to find James looking at him and not at the waitress. He knew he had no claim over James, he knew that. Still, it made him angry to see the way she looked at him. James was more than just his looks.

“She likes you,” Regulus told him, unsure why he was so upset about it. James was single, he could do as he pleased. And the waitress was attractive. She was brunette and had heavy eyeshadow that made her eyes look sharper than they probably were.

James looked genuinely confused. “What?”

“The waitress.”

“Ella.”

He knew her name? Of course he did. 

“Yeah.”

James shook his head, looking down at the menu for a second. “She was just being nice.”

She came back with their coffees and asked if they were ready to order. Regulus still hadn’t even glanced at the menu yet, which James seemed to realize and politely asked her for a couple more minutes.

As soon as she left Regulus fixed him with a look. He had to notice now, the way she kept only looking at him, asking him all of the questions. It was a struggle to unclench his fists, but he felt them slowly relaxing the more James looked at him.

Yes. Me. Pay attention to me.

“Do you know what you want?” he prompted.

“We’re friends!” Regulus blurted out, the words coming before he could stop them. He wasn’t sure where they came from, or if it was even him who had said them. James’ lips curled into a smile though.

“Well, yeah. We have been.”

“No, we haven’t,” Regulus said, thinking back to the past two weeks where he hated James. 

“I’ve been your friend,” James said simply. Regulus was at a loss for words, which he seemed to realize, and he turned his own menu around, placing it in front of Regulus. “Now find something to eat, love.”

Love

Stop. This was just who James was, he didn’t think that deeply about saying things like that. He willed his hands to stop shaking. When had they even started shaking?

James started making his coffee with obscene amounts of cream and sugar while Regulus looked at the menu. It was easier to focus on that than everything else, at least it was until he grabbed Regulus’ mug. He was about to stop him, not wanting a heart attack or diabetes.

“One cream, two sugar?” James said before Regulus could even open his mouth.

He couldn’t even think of anything to say after that. How could James possibly know how Regulus took his coffee? It wasn’t possible. Has he ever told him? He was pretty sure he never did, always making his coffee himself.

He couldn’t snap out of the trance he found himself in until James slid the mug across the table slowly, trying not to let it splash all over the place. His eyes were focused and his lips were pouted and Regulus reminded himself that they were friends.

Friends.

“Thanks,” he said quietly, looking back down at the menu and still not reading it. Was he even hungry? Probably, it had been a while since he ate last. But it was too late for food, he probably shouldn’t.

He closed the menu and slid it back over to James.

“You’ve decided?”

Regulus shrugged. “I don’t need anything.”

“What do you want though?”

He shook his head. “It’s late.”

“Are you hungry?” James asked as if it were that simple. Regulus wasn’t allowed to eat past 7 pm, a rule he has followed since he was born, most likely, and one that he has never really been able to break. “Reg?”

“I can’t eat past seven.”

James frowned, about to say something when the waitress came back again. Regulus knew that they were some of the only people in there, but really could she just give them a moment of space?

He smiled politely at her. “I’m sorry, we really do need a couple more minutes.”

“We don’t.”

“We do,” James insisted.

“Are you ready to order?” Regulus asked him.

“No,” he lied. He had a feeling James knew what he wanted before they even got inside.

The waitress looked uncomfortable. “I’ll be back in a couple minutes then.”

James looked back to Regulus the moment she was gone, eyes a bit narrowed. “Is this about the rule?”

“What?” How did James know about it?

“The seven rule.”

“How do you…”

“Sirius.”

Oh. Right. 

Regulus sighed. “Yeah, it’s about the rule.”

James reopened the menu and set it in front of Regulus again, a smile on his face. “It’s past midnight.”

“So?”

“So, it’s a new day. It’s before seven, now.”

Regulus stared, unable to comprehend what he was even saying. Well, actually, he had a point. And Regulus was hungry, he hadn’t eaten since the awards, and even then he could barely stomach anything.’

“I want a burger. And fries. And a milkshake,” Regulus said, adding things the more he looked at the menu.

“Chocolate?”

“Vanilla,” he corrected.

James smiled. “That was a trick question. You failed.”

“I didn’t realize I was taking an exam,” Regulus mused.

“Strawberry is obviously the only correct answer.”

Regulus scrunched his nose. “No, it’s not, actually.”

“Are you disrespecting strawberry?”

“Yes.”

James dropped his jaw in mock disbelief. “Maybe we aren’t friends.”

Regulus smiled, unable to stop it. “Told you.”

“You don’t like strawberries?”

“As a fruit? They’re fine. As a flavor? No.”

When the waitress came back, James ordered the largest strawberry milkshake they had as well as strawberry french toast. Regulus was convinced he was just trying to prove a point, but there was always the possibility that it was what he meant to order all along.

They got the milkshakes first. Regulus got vanilla and James got strawberry, of course. The first thing he did was slide it over to Regulus, anxiously waiting for him to try it. Regulus didn’t move towards it at all, taking a sip of his own instead.

“Try it.”

“No.”

James inched it forward, practically leaning across the table now. “Try it.”

“No.”

He was holding the straw up close to Regulus’ lips and waved it back and forth as if he were trying to taunt him with it. It was not working. He had no interest. “Try it.”

“Potter-”

“Please. I’m offering you the holy grail, you know?”

“Holy grail?”

“First sip is the best sip.”

“That’s for watermelon.”

“And milkshakes.”

Regulus sighed, but all it took was one small look at James’ eyes and he folded, leaning a little bit to catch the straw. Regulus absolutely hated strawberry milkshakes, he had not been lying about that. They tasted more like red food dye than fruit, and they were always too sweet. The only thing that made it taste any better was when he noticed the way James’ eyes were transfixed on Regulus’ lips. It made it worth it, even. He was hardly thinking about strawberries by the time he pulled back.

James coughed, bringing the glass closer to him now. “So, umm, what did you think?”

“I hated it.”

James laughed and nodded in defeat, accepting that he simply could not sway Regulus’ opinion on this. The truth was, all James would have to do is ask him to like it, and he would. Simple as that.

———

Regulus was at his wits end.

No overnight waitress cared this much about her only table.

She kept coming back, over and over again, only ever talking to James. And he still didn’t think she was into him. Something had never been so obvious, in Regulus’ mind.

“Would you like dessert?” she asked, her voice dripping with innuendos and implications.

James shrugged it off, looking at Regulus for an answer.

“No,” he responded, perhaps a bit too angrily. But she was looking at James like he was a piece of meat and he hated it and he didn’t know why.

James gave him a confused look, not understanding his sudden mood change but obviously not about to ask about it in front of their waitress. “Just the check then,” he said. And then she was gone and James was absolutely grinning.

“What?”

“Are you jealous?”

“Absolutely not.”

“You totally are.”

“James-”

“No, it’s okay. I like it.”

Regulus froze, the words he had on the tip of his tongue vanishing into thin air. He wasn’t jealous, because what was there to be jealous of. James was his friend, and if he liked the waitress, then that was just fine. He really didn’t care.

“I’m not jealous.”

“Do you like her?”

Regulus really did not think that deserved a response. It was probably the most idiotic thing he had ever heard James say, actually.

“I want you to think about that for a second,” Regulus told him, leaning back in his seat.

James smiled. “Well, you never know. I mean sexuality is fluid, isn’t it?”

“Mine isn’t,” Regulus told him, perhaps a bit too harshly. And then he felt bad because James looked so guilty all of the sudden.

“Oh. Well, I’m sorry-”

“James. Stop.”

“It’s just… Well it’s what I thought but-”

“Stop talking.”

“And I think maybe because mine feels more fluid it made me think it would be like that for everyone-”

Regulus threw a fry at him, finally getting him to shut up because now he was just too stunned to speak. “Your sexuality is fluid. Great, good for you. Mine isn’t. I’m gay. I only like cock. Simple. Okay? Nothing fluid about it.”

James nodded. “Okay. Sorry.”

“And stop apologizing.”

“I can’t.”

Regulus sighed, but he didn’t say anything. He was still reeling a bit from James saying his sexuality was fluid. That- Well, it didn’t mean he liked Regulus, he knew that. But it meant he wasn’t straight, which filled Regulus with misplaced hope. He did not care who James liked.

The waitress came back with the check and set it in front of James. Regulus noticed her wink, James didn’t seem to, and then she left again, telling them to have a good night, her eyes lingering on James.

James started laughing, drawing Regulus’ attention back.

“What?”

He turned the check and pointed at the bottom of it.

The waitress left her number.

***

James only showed Regulus to see his reaction, which might have been a bit evil on his part, actually. But he was just so curious, and his hypothesis had actually been right. Regulus’ eyes filled up so fast, flashing between anger and envy and James actually found that to be quite attractive.

“It’s because you were so fucking nice to her,” Regulus mumbled petulantly. He was literally pouting over it, and maybe he wasn’t into James the same way that James was him, because right now, he was so outwardly jealous that James could pretend. So easily he could pretend that Regulus felt the same way. In the back of his mind he remembered Regulus insisting on their friendship. James didn’t mind, actually. He enjoyed being Regulus’ friend and he was fine if this was all it would ever be.

“Would you rather me be rude?”

“Yes.”

“Regulus.”

“I’m not joking.” James smiled, wanting to ask if he was jealous again. He needed the confirmation, or at least desperately wanted it. “Are you going to call it?”

“With what phone?” he asked, his head turning a bit to the side. “Plus, she wrote it on the merchant copy.”

Regulus leaned forward, and sure enough, she wrote her phone number on the copy of the receipt they were supposed to leave here. He started fishing something out of his pocket, and James was very surprised at how much American cash he had with him in his wallet.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m paying the check,” he said, putting down way more than what the meal was worth. He covered the expected gratuity probably five times over with how much he put down.

“I was supposed to pay,” James said with a small pout.

Regulus was already sliding out of the booth. “Too bad. We’re leaving.”

James didn’t even need to ask if he was jealous anymore, it was obvious in all of his actions and his words, and James was revelling in it. He didn’t care that they were lost or that Regulus was probably mad at him again. Regulus was jealous.

He followed him out, almost running right into him. Regulus stopped right outside the door, looking both ways before sighing.

“We’re lost,” Regulus said, pointing it out like he had forgotten about it.

“Don’t think of it as lost,” James said, trying to be cheery. There had to be a way to put a positive spin on this.

“How would you like me to think of it then?” Regulus asked, turning around to face James. He looked kind of tired, and it made James remember that he had literally been traveling all day, and going to an award show was exhausting enough as it was without a messed up sleep schedule.

“We’re just…temporarily misplaced.”

Regulus snorted. “That’s what lost means.”

“Sounds better though, doesn’t it?” They could find a payphone, or ask a stranger to use theirs, but James didn’t have any numbers committed to memory. He knew Sirius’ old phone number by heart, but that was from when he was still living at the Black’s and James would have to call their home phone when he wanted to talk. Most of the time nobody answered it, but he still liked to try. And he knew his parents phone numbers, but he wasn’t going to call them at such an absurd hour. “Do you know any numbers?”

“No,” Regulus answered quickly. Too quickly. Perhaps he knew Sirius’ number and was embarrassed about it.

“Reg?”

“I know my mother's number. That’s it,” he said in a tone that meant he did not want to talk about it. James wasn’t going to push him to, not right now anyway.

James nodded and blew out a breath of air, trying to think. “We could just wait, I guess.”

Regulus met his eyes and it took a lot for James to simply let him look. His eyes tended to say everything he didn’t, couldn’t.

“We’re going to a petrol station,” he announced after twenty seconds. He took off in one direction, leaving James to follow behind him again. Neither of them knew where they were going, but if there was one thing they learned about America it was that they had petrol stations on nearly every block.

For the first couple of minutes they were both quiet, only the sounds of their shoes against pavement and the passing cars to fill the silence. James thought it was what Regulus wanted. He frequently did not know when to be quiet, but he was learning that sometimes people didn’t want their heads to be as full as James’ was. He was cursed with being too much, and he was trying to learn how to balance it.

Plus, the less he spoke the less trouble he got himself into. He felt bad for getting Regulus into this. James didn’t mind being lost much, he wasn’t worried about getting back because he knew they would eventually get there. It’s the twenty-first century, there were more than a couple ways to figure out where they were. Still, he could at least understand why Regulus did not like it. It was uncertainty. They were in a foreign country in the middle of the night with no idea how to get back to the hotel.

“You’re freaking me out,” Regulus said, severing the rope that was growing more taut between them with each passing second.

“What?”

Regulus kicked at a rock on the sidewalk. “You’re being quiet.”

“I thought you wanted me to be,” James said honestly.

“You shouldn’t do things just because you think other people want you to.”

“Well then why should I do things?”

“Because you want to.”

James knew he had a habit of being a people pleaser. He liked to make sure people were happy and comfortable before even considering worrying about himself or what he wanted. That didn’t mean he didn’t do things he wanted to. He smoked because he wanted to, he played the guitar every night because he wanted to. He still had his basic autonomy. Even if the cigarettes were an addiction and the guitar was set in his contract, he still wanted to.

But, well he supposed he didn’t have the chance to not do them. Not anymore.

“When was the last time you did something just for you?” Regulus said after James didn’t respond.

So quietly it was almost a whisper, James said, “I’m being selfish right now.”

“You could never be selfish.”

James shook his head. “You have no idea.”

He was selfishly enjoying the time he was getting to spend with Regulus. He could try harder to get them back to the hotel, he could figure something out, but he simply wasn’t because Regulus was here and he was with James and he wasn’t running away. 

“Well you can talk, if you want,” Regulus said.

It was so broad, James didn’t know where to start. He did like to talk, but he didn’t just want to say a bunch of nonsense. 

“About what?”

“Whatever you want.”

“Can I ask you questions?” James asked.

“If you want.”

Regulus kept using that word. Want. It was like he knew. Those couple of seconds he spent looking in James’ eyes and he suddenly knew each and every of his secret desires. His wants. His want for Regulus specifically.

“What’s your favorite color?”

Regulus stopped. He genuinely just stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to give James the most incredulous look. His eyes were both narrowed and wide, an eyebrow raised and his mouth quirked a bit at the side. James wanted to reach out and touch it. He didn’t, even though Regulus told him to do what he wanted to, he couldn’t.

“I say you can ask me anything, and you want to know my favorite color?”

James beamed at him, forcing his eyes to look away from his lips. “Yes. I want to know.”

“I mean, blanket permission, and that’s the first thing you ask?”

“Well what would you ask?” James countered.

Regulus must have been anticipating the question, because he had an answer on the tip of his tongue, putting it out into the world almost immediately. “I would want to know your biggest fear.”

He was looking at James like he was waiting for an answer. He probably wouldn’t be getting one. James had never thought about it, not in depth. He had always had an irrational fear of death, he supposed, and he did not much like clowns or cockroaches. But, well none of those sounded grand enough for a biggest fear. Everyone was scared of death and dying. It was the one time James hated the uncertainty.

“Well, it’s a good thing I’m not the one who gave you the chance to ask me anything,” James said.

Regulus started walking again, James had to quicken his pace to catch up but soon they fell back into an easy pattern, matching each other’s strides. Regulus wasn’t that much shorter than James, only a couple of inches, so neither of them had to adjust much one way or the other.

“Green.”

James didn’t need clarification, he understood. “Mines red.” Regulus let out a small laugh. “What?”

“I know.”

“How do you know?”

“You wear red every day.”

“I do not.” Did he?

“Your shoes are red,” Regulus pointed out. James always wore his red vans, they were his favorite shoes.

James looked to see what Regulus was wearing. Green converse. “Well your shoes are green.”

Regulus hummed, nodding his head. “I know. It’s my favorite color.”

“What would you have studied? If you went to uni?” James asked next.

“Mother wanted me to-”

“I asked about you,” James interrupted.

Regulus glared at him. He did not like to be interrupted, James needed to learn to keep that information in his back pocket. “Ancient history.”

“Ooh, pretentious,” James teased.

Regulus smiled a little, James felt the world light up. “I tend to be.”

“I would have studied psychology,” James told him unprompted. Regulus gave him permission to talk, he was going to use it to his full advantage. “Probably been a therapist.”

“I didn’t ask.”

“Yeah, but I could just tell you were dying to know.”

“I wasn’t, actually.”

“Lying to yourself isn’t healthy, Black,” James said.

“I think you’re delusional, Potter.”

James now had an unnecessary pep in his step, wanting to skip around the town. They still had yet to find a petrol station, but they also weren’t making much progress. James could still see the IHop they were just at if he turned around.

“Favorite book?”

“Next question.”

James blinked in confusion. “That wasn’t even a hard one.”

“That is objectively the hardest question you could ask a person,” Regulus said confidently. James could think of about 1,000 other questions that would be much more painful to answer.

“It definitely isn’t.”

“What’s your favorite book?” Regulus asked, clearly trying to prove a point.

“Charlotte’s Web,” he answered easily.

“That’s a children’s book.”

“So? It has a beautiful message.”

Regulus pressed his lips together, letting out a small sigh and clasping his hands together in front of him. “Okay, fine. I still cannot answer it.”

James broke out into a huge smile. “Are you a book nerd?” he asked excitedly. Oh, he loved this. Finding out new things about Regulus was officially his new favorite thing. Nothing compared. When Regulus didn’t respond, James had his answer. “You totally are!” 

“You’re ridiculous,” Regulus mused as James literally leaped in the air.

“Will you teach me a ballet leap?” James said, turning on his heel and stopping in front of Regulus.

Regulus looked him up and down for a moment. “I don’t think you have the physique for it.”

“A pirouette? A umm… Fuck. I don’t know. One of those French words. Je ne sais pas?”

“That means I don’t know,” Regulus informed him.

“Pas de bourree? That’s one, isn’t it?”

Regulus nodded his head. “Pas de bourree,” Regulus said, correcting his pronunciation. “And yeah, it is.”

“Is it an easy one?”

“It’s ballet.”

James rolled his eyes. “Yeah but like, one that I could do.”

“Probably,” Regulus said quietly.

James took a step back to give him some space. He had no idea what a pas de bourree was, but he was more than excited to find out.

***

Just because he had not danced in two weeks did not mean he suddenly lost all ability. He knew that, and still something as simple as a pas de bourree was stressing him out. It was basically a simple step. Just go from plié to second position to plié again. And, it wasn’t like James would even know if Regulus was technically doing it right, not after he completely butchered the pronunciation.

He got into a plié position, waiting for James to do the same. He looked so confused though that Regulus had to help him.

“Do you have any coordination?”

“I played sports!” he said as his defense.

Regulus tapped his right thigh, trying to get him to move it backwards. “Bend your knee. The other knee. For fucks sake.”

James laughed, finally getting it right. “Okay, now what?” Regulus tried to show him how to get into second position, completely unsurprised when James stumbled trying to do it. And then again, and a third time before Regulus showed him again. “I thought you said this was easy.”

“It is easy.”

“Do something impressive,” James demanded.

Regulus stood up straight, taking a step back from where he was trying to help James. “What? You can’t even do this.” 

“I didn’t say teach me. Just show me something cool.”

“Like what?”

James smiled. “Umm, a spin!”

Regulus gave him a look. “We’re standing on concrete.”

“Oh,” he mumbled softly, kicking at the ground once as if he were trying to make sure it really was solid ground.

“I’ll show you a spin if we ever get back to the hotel. Okay?”

It seemed to appease James for now, so Regulus continued walking in the direction they were going in. If everything went how he planned, they would find a petrol station and James would buy a map and then they could eventually find their way back. The issue came when they were trying to actually find a petrol station, as there seemed to be none around them anywhere. 

James just followed him, not offering up any other suggestions. Regulus was fine with it. He had a pretty good natural sense of direction and he did not want to argue about whether to go left or right. Plus, he was finally talking again, asking questions and actually being himself again. Sometimes, Regulus wanted to exist in silence. But that was for him to decide, not James. James was loud and curious and it felt more natural when he was filling up 85% of the conversation and Regulus the other 15%. It worked. Regulus has always been a good listener.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“You have been.”

“A real one.”

Regulus had no idea what that meant, exactly. Yeah, the questions had been relatively surface level, save for the time Regulus brought up James’ biggest fear. He couldn’t help but be curious now, especially after James shut him down. He was open about almost everything else except for that. Regulus wouldn’t ask again, he knew better than to push. That didn’t stop him from wanting to know.

“A real one?”

“One you might not want to answer.”

Regulus took a deep breath. He could always refuse to answer it, and now he wanted to know what James thought was a question that was simply too big to ask without proper forewarning.

“You can try,” he said eventually, taking a left turn at the corner onto a busier street. Busier in the sense that there were more streetlights and a couple of cars passing. It was close to three in the morning though, maybe past it, so this was as busy as it was going to get.

James didn’t say anything for a long time, but Regulus saw him wring his hands together a bit nervously. “Have you ever been in love?” he said, his voice a bit quiet.

Out of all of the things James could have asked: greatest desires, biggest regret, a secret they’ve never told anybody, etc. No, instead he wanted to know if Regulus had ever loved. And for once, his answer was simple.

“Yes. Once.”

Regulus really did love Barty, once upon a time. It was young and juvenile and they never would have worked out, even if Walburga hadn’t caught them. But that didn’t stop Regulus from loving him. At that time Barty was probably the simplest thing in his life. He understood Regulus in a way that nobody has, even to this day. He just always seemed to know what he was thinking or feeling before he even said it. When they broke up, well, Barty anticipated that too.

Maybe in another life.

But Barty was his best friend and was engaged (?) to his other best friend and he wasn’t the slightest bit jealous about it.

“What was it like?” Not who it was, or why it ended. James wanted to know what being in love was like and Regulus was honestly so surprised that it was James asking him this question. He certainly wasn’t any sort of expert on it, and he probably didn’t love him correctly anyway. Regulus had loved Barty because it was easy.

“It was stagnant. And comfortable,” Regulus said.

“Really?”

Regulus shrugged. “I mean, it was Barty. He’s always been the most stable thing in my life. So loving him was like that, I guess.”

“That isn’t very poetic.”

“We weren’t a poetic match. I mean, I could twist it so we were, if you’d like. My relationship with Barty was like a gentle breeze on a spring day. You don’t need it to not overheat, but you appreciate it while it’s there. I didn’t need to date Barty, I don’t need to now. But it was nice, while it lasted.”

James stayed quiet, a small frown on his face. He was thinking, overthinking probably. 

“What?”

He shrugged. “I just thought it would be…more, I guess.”

“It could be.”

“Hmm?”

“For most people it probably is. Barty and me were not exactly the loves of each other’s lives. So yeah, it didn’t feel all encompassing. I probably wasn’t even in love with him.”

“You weren’t?” James asked, just blurting out the words.

Regulus finally spotted a petrol station, still a couple of blocks away. Silently he prayed it was 24 hours. He knew most were in the States, but still. 

“My feelings for Barty have never really changed,” Regulus said honestly. He never really thought about it, the way he loved Barty when they were dating versus when they weren’t. Maybe he hadn’t been in love with Barty. Maybe it was just platonic love. 

“So, are you still in love with Barty, then?” James said, because of course that was the conclusion he jumped to. The incorrect one.

Regulus took a deep breath, stopping at the corner and turning around to face James. “I’m rescinding my answer.”

“What?”

“No, I’ve never been in love.”

“But… you just said…”

“I was wrong. I was never in love with Barty.”

Regulus was surprised how easy the conclusion came to him. He spent years thinking Barty was his first love, and he technically was. Technically. But he wasn’t heartbroken when they broke up, and Barty wasn’t either. They both sort of got over it, and they made out every once in a while as more years passed. But that was it.

That did not mean he wanted to continue the conversation, though. And he saw the look on James’ face, he had more questions, connected questions. Regulus crossed the street so they were on the side with the petrol station.

Regulus tended to avoid the topic of love. He didn’t like thinking about it. By now, he was sure he would never get it in the way James was referring. Some grand, poetic, tragic love wasn’t meant for him, and he could cope with that.

“Reg?”

“James.”

“What are we doing at a petrol station?” he asked, his first sensical question of the night. Really, it took him a long time to ask. For somebody who was so curious about things naturally, he really was just along for the ride in this case, trusting Regulus to lead the way without any idea why.

It was open. Thank fuck it was open.

“You’re buying a map,” Regulus told him.

“Why am I buying a map?”

“Because I bought breakfast.”

James smiled. “You hijacked breakfast.”

Regulus shrugged. “Same thing.”

“Hmm. Well, no I mean what are we going to do with a map?”

“Find our way back.”

James opened the door for both of them, a little bell going off and signaling that there was somebody walking in. It definitely didn’t seem like the safest place, Regulus noticed. One of the lights was flickering, almost completely off, the floors were dirty and the shelves were almost completely bare.

But, well it was a 24 hour petrol station in Las Vegas. This was as good as they were going to get.

There was one man behind the counter and also behind a sheet of plexiglass who didn’t even look up when they walked in.

James went straight for the snacks before Regulus could even tell him that it wasn’t the point of their visit. There was no stopping him as he went down every aisle and picked up things he found enticing. Never mind the fact that they just ate, that didn’t seem to cross his mind at all.

Regulus trailed after him, more than a bit concerned at how much processed food he was picking up.

“We’re here for a map,” Regulus reminded him.

James turned his head. “Hmm? Oh, yeah. I know. But, well we can also be here for Pringles,” he said, shaking the can of chips.

“Hey! Are you gonna pay for that?” The man at the counter had finally looked up, staring directly at James. From his angle he probably couldn’t see Regulus.

James’ expression changed and Regulus did not like it. All of the boyish amusement was suddenly gone.

“Yes,” he responded simply, his back straightening.

“You sure? I’ll call the police.”

James clenched his jaw, Regulus saw red. This motherfucker was being racist. “What the fuck?” he said loudly, stepping out from behind one of the shelves. He wasn’t hiding intentionally, but oh he was so glad the man hadn’t seen him before.

“What?”

“Reg,” James said, grabbing his arm. He shook his head slightly, but Regulus couldn’t just do nothing. “Please?” He was asking him seriously, genuinely. “He isn’t worth it. Just… just wait outside, yeah?”

“No.”

“Reg-”

“I’m not waiting outside,” he said simply. The man probably had a gun and would use it the first chance he got. Regulus wasn’t just going to leave him.

“I don’t want you to do anything.”

“Why not?”

James sighed. “Promise me.”

Regulus did not like making promises, not when he knew he wanted to break it. He could get the man fired easily, so easily it was almost sad. One threat of a racism lawsuit and the company would send this man packing.

“I promise,” Regulus lied. James could get over it. Actually, he would never even have to find out about it, which was the best kind of lie. The kind that wouldn’t hurt anybody.

Regulus took note of his name tag, Craig, and he knew for a fact he would remember where they were, street and everything, as they checked out. James, unsurprisingly, was the picture of kindness. He smiled at the man, he paid him the right amount, he even told him to keep the change. Regulus glared at him the whole time, trying to remember certain characteristics of Craig for when Regulus got him fired. Regulus wanted to make sure he had the right man.

They walked out, Regulus with two grocery bags and James with the map, attempting to open it. He was clearly trying to move on from what happened in the petrol station, and Regulus would let him. For now. One day he would get James to talk about everything. Not the fake everything where he pretended to be an open book, but the real everything. The hard things that nobody wanted to talk about, including him.