balancing act

“Evans?” James asked, a wide smile on his face.

Lily had never told him about any sort of crush, especially not one on Pandora. James had never thought about how much sense they would make as a couple, and he felt a bit slow for just realizing it now. They were both full of energy, two different sides of the same coin, almost. Pandora was erratic, she was always talking and she was very animated about things she loved. Lily was similar, passionate about things she loved, very into science. She once explained to James that the reason she got into being a lighting director was because of her fascination with light waves and the electromagnetic spectrum.

James hadn’t really understood what she was talking about, but her eyes lit up when she did, so he assumed it must be interesting to her.

“Since when?” he asked Remus, hoping for some sort of an explanation.

Why would she tell Remus and not him? He would have felt a bit betrayed had he not known how close Lily and Remus actually were. Still, he could keep a secret as well as the next guy. And that included Remus.

“When she came to visit. They spent hours together, apparently.”

“Hours?!”

Regulus stood up, crossed the room, and left.

Sirius was a bit too caught up with Remus and with the revelation about Lily to really notice thatRegulus left. Nobody really noticed, actually, just because of how loud they were all being and how much was going on. Remus was explaining everything he knew about Lily and Pandora, Sirius was obviously transfixed and Peter was also tuned into the story. Ava was busy blushing, probably a bit embarrassed now.

James noticed though. He saw Regulus’ face change in a split second, his expression going dark before he left. Maybe it had only been because he was staring, or, as he preferred to think, he could read Regulus pretty well. He was kidding himself, of course. Regulus was a puzzle but one where all of the end pieces were missing and he was supposed to find them. Slowly, one by one, James was starting to put it together.

Quietly, he stood up from the couch and went to find him. Nobody had noticed when he slipped away either, well nobody except for Peter who tended to notice everything. He abandoned his drink too, forgetting all about it. He didn’t really want to be drunk anyway. He wanted to remember tonight, seeing as it had already started off so well. 

Regulus had complimented him.

You look good, James.

James had not stopped thinking about it. His mind kept turning over the soft words and the warm cheeks. He had never seen Regulus be so bashful before, and all because James called him gorgeous. He was counting this as a win. Really, he had held himself back. Gorgeous didn’t even begin to cover how Regulus looked. He looked beautiful, and regal, and angelic. His dark hair was a halo that followed him around, softening his harder features and sharp eyes. No matter how much he tried to cover it up with rude words and blank stares, James noticed. Regulus was heavenly and James was ready to ascend.

But James could not say all of that. So he called Regulus gorgeous and made him blush.

He smiled to himself as he walked around, looking for Regulus. They were just in the hotel, previously hanging out in the lobby on the floor they were staying in. He would have checked a room first, but he was pretty sure that they hadn’t had time to get one.

He was quick enough that he found Regulus waiting for the elevator, his entire body language tenser than it had been in the lobby. Had something happened? They were only talking about Lily and Pandora when he left.

“Reg?” James said, getting his attention.

Regulus turned around. His face was completely void of any emotion, like he had just shut down. It was something Sirius did sometimes, although James hadn’t seen it happen in a while. It was mostly when he had first moved in with the Potter’s. He would go through times where he would hardly talk to anyone, not even James. He just stared out the window or laid in bed. It happened less frequently as more time went on, but there were still times that he saw hints of it trying to come back. Sirius was stronger now, but nobody was impenetrable.

Regulus seemed to flash through the stages of grief in a rapid second, settling on anger eventually when he narrowed his eyes at James. “I’m upset with you. Leave me alone.”

James blinked, refusing to give up that quickly. Did he do something? Was that why Regulus was mad at him? He couldn’t remember saying anything that was particularly bad. He was just happy for Lily and for Sirius and for Remus. He was just excited.

The elevator dinged and Regulus stepped in, immediately trying to close the doors before James could cross the small distance. He couldn’t press the button fast enough because James was able to slip in easily, standing next to Regulus in the space.

He had half a mind to just stop the elevator, make Regulus talk to him. But he was at least smart enough to know that it was a very bad idea. Regulus’ breathing was a bit…erratic as it was, he couldn’t imagine that being trapped in an elevator would help matters much. James himself did not love small and confined spaces, although he didn’t have a phobia of them like Sirius did. He didn’t know if phobias could run in the family, but he did not want to find out like this.

“Why are you upset with me?” James asked.

Regulus was looking up at the numbers as they changed the further down they went. He had picked the first floor, perhaps he planned on making a run for it. “Because.”

“I don’t want you to be mad at me.”

“I’m always mad at you.”

“Well, could you at least tell me why?”

The elevator dinged at the third floor, opening to let more people in. Regulus got out, despite the third floor not being his original destination. He went straight for the staircase, and it crossed James’ mind that he just hadn’t wanted to be in the elevator with a bunch of people.

James followed after him, a couple of paces behind. He didn’t want to crowd him, he just wanted to give him the opportunity to talk. And, well a tad more selfishly he wanted to know what he had done to upset Regulus.

He almost ran right into him when Regulus stopped on the stairs, sitting at the top of a flight of them without much of a warning. James skidded so that he wouldn’t run into him.

“You don’t need to chase after me. I’m fine,” Regulus mumbled.

James sat down next to him, careful not to invade his space. “I don’t mind,” he said honestly. He would chase after Regulus for as long as he would let him. “Want to talk about it?”

“No.”

James expected that, so he nodded his head a little bit even though Regulus was not looking at him. “Want to tell me why you’re upset with me?”

Regulus was looking at him now, his expression a bit incredulous. “What?”

“Oh, well… I just meant… I was just confused as to what I’d done,” James said, stuttering over his words. It was hard to talk when the heat of Regulus’ gaze was all over him. Anybody else in his position would have reacted the same way.

Regulus scoffed a little bit, tilting his head as he looked at James even deeper. “You really can’t handle someone not liking you, can you?” he asked.

James had never thought about it before, but he supposed Regulus was right. James did not like when people didn’t like him. He was a likable person, what was there to hate? And, yeah, maybe he was going a bit out of his mind to figure out what he had specifically done to Regulus in the last fifteen minutes that prompted this strong of a negative reaction. So what?

“No, not really,” he responded.

“You know that’s unhealthy, right?”

“I don’t see how.” He didn’t. What was wrong with trying to make everyone happy? James was good at it, he didn’t mind doing it.

“You can’t appease everyone.”

“Why not?”

“Because not everybody is going to like you.”

“Exhibit A,” James mumbled. Regulus didn’t react in the way James had expected him to. James had been snappy with him, maybe a bit frustrated, and it made Regulus smile. “What?”

He shrugged. “Tap into your anger more.”

“I don’t like to be angry.”

“It’s healthy.”

“Well always being angry isn’t healthy,” James pointed out to him.

“I’m not always angry,” he defended.

“You could let yourself be happy.”

“I couldn’t.”

“You could.”

“Potter,” a threat.

“Reg,” a term of endearment. James couldn’t explain why, but arguing with Regulus made his stomach swoop with excitement. It was different than anything else he had really experienced before, he wasn’t entirely sure what to do with it.

He sighed, looking back towards the stairs, fingers tapping his thumb in a pattern that James was focused on figuring out. He kept getting distracted though. By the rings, and by the nail polish, and his fingers that were long and he was distracted by how they moved elegantly after years of classical music training.

“Hey, where’d your cast go?” James said, realizing for the first time that Regulus’ left arm was suspiciously bare of it.

“I got it taken off.”

“Well, yeah. But, well isn’t it too soon?”

Regulus shrugged, not fazed by it at all. “It was bothering me.” James frowned a little, but Regulus stopped him before he could even say anything. “Stop.”

“Stop what?”

“I can feel you worrying,” Regulus said, sounding particularly annoyed by the fact.

“I can’t help but care,” James told him honestly.

Regulus didn’t respond for a very long time, but his fingers started dancing faster. James finally got the pattern down. Pointer, middle, ring, pinky, pinky, ring, middle, middle, pointer. Then again from the beginning. It was something that could only be done so mindlessly after doing it for so long, James could barely keep up with it when he tried to do it himself, a bit too clumsy for it apparently.

“I was thinking about my father,” Regulus said after an eternity of silence. “That’s why I left.”

Oh.

James knew that for Sirius, at least, the news of Orion’s death hadn’t mattered to him. Sirius had stopped thinking about them years ago, he stopped coming to James crying that they didn’t love him and he accepted the Potter’s as family just like they had done for Sirius. For Regulus it was clearly a bit more complex than simple indifference.

“I hate him.”

He learned that, with Regulus, he needed to just be patient and he would talk of his own accord. James was learning to be patient, Regulus was teaching him how to sit and wait and maybe, just maybe, what he wanted would come to him in time.

“I hate that I don’t actually hate him. And I just wish he wasn’t dead so I could kill him myself because he was a miserable person who deserved the worst. And I miss him. James, why do I miss him?” Regulus said, looking to James for answers.

“He was your dad,” James told him.

“Sirius doesn’t miss him,” Regulus mumbled.

“Well, they disowned him.”

“I hate him.” 

James didn’t know who he was referring to: Sirius or Orion. Probably both, probably neither.

“You’re allowed to miss him. It’s normal to feel that way.”

“I’m glad he’s dead.”

“That’s perfectly fine.”

“I wish he wasn’t dead.”

“Regulus, you’re allowed to feel all of these things. It doesn’t make one more true than another. If it’s true for you then it’s true,” James told him.

“It doesn’t make any sense, though.”

“Does it need to?”

Regulus glanced up at him only once, and James was just glad to see that there was emotion in his eyes, however fleeting it was.

James was a very touchy person, and every couple of seconds he had to fight the urge to reach out and hug him or place a hand on his shoulder. He knew Regulus wouldn’t like it, especially not right now. Vulnerability was a hard thing to do, James knew that. He struggled with it, with being anything other than happy or comforting. He didn’t know how to be sad, he didn’t know what to do when he felt angry. He supposed he was a bit opposite of Regulus in that way. Regulus couldn’t accept the good things in his life, he didn’t know what to do when he felt. James wanted to show him how to feel. He wanted to learn how to be sad and he wanted to know Regulus, he wanted Regulus to know him.

It was scary. James wanted so much and he didn’t know how to ask for any of it. He couldn’t ask for it, it was too selfish. He couldn’t be selfish here.

“I’m upset with you because you told Sirius.”

Told Sirius? James struggled to remember what he had said to Sirius that would have made Regulus angry. Sirius was preoccupied with Remus since he got back though, so there wasn’t even any time to say anything particularly upsetting.

“About mother. Walburga. Whatever.”

Oh. Right. He had done that. James had forgotten all about that. It had been almost a week ago and the past couple of days were quite busy for him. So, he assumed Regulus would just forget about it too. He had forgotten about the sheer tenacity of the Black family though, of course he hadn’t simply forgotten about it.

James smiled sheepishly. “It all worked out in the end though, didn’t it?” he asked hopefully.

“No.”

“Well you didn’t seem upset with me earlier,” James pointed out.

Regulus shifted positions so that his back was leaning against the cement walls. His legs were drawn up and his whole body was now facing James, feet almost touching his legs. James moved to sit the same way, although he sat criss cross applesauce so that they would both have more space. James himself did not mind when other people invaded his space, but he knew that Regulus did.

“I was,” Regulus confirmed, nodding his head a little bit.

James shook his head, his shy smile growing into a real one. “I don’t think so.”

“No? Why’s that?” Regulus said, his words a taunt.

“Well, for starters, you told me I looked good.”

Regulus shrugged, although the tips of his ears were red now. “So?”

“So? That doesn’t sound like anger to me.”

“I can be upset with you and also comment objectively on your appearance. The two can mutually exist.”

James was probably having far too much fun, but he was indulging himself just this once, unsure if Regulus would ever be so open with him again. “Objectively?”

Regulus blinked at him, looking at James like he was stupid. James did not care, he was an idiot when it came to Regulus, he was well aware of it.

“Do you really need me to stroke your ego?” Regulus said.

“Yes,” James responded immediately. “Among other things.”

Regulus blushed. He blushed and James was on top of the world. He liked being able to get a reaction out of him, to know what he looked like when he was flustered. Heaven knows Regulus had caused him to react that way more than once. Turnabout’s fair play.

“Are you drunk?” he asked, clearly deflecting.

“Haven’t even finished my first drink.”

Regulus hummed, nodding his head. He looked like he was in a bit of a trance, eyes glowing and unfocused as he looked all around the stairwell, landing on James inevitably. “So the confidence is just…?” he trailed off, leaving James to finish his sentence.

“All natural,” he confirmed.

Regulus tried to fight a smile, shaking his head and looking down at his pants, picking at lint that wasn’t even there. “You’re ridiculous.”

“Yeah,” James agreed. What else could he do?

He stood up then, wiping imaginary dust off his pants. “Well, I won’t be stroking your ego.”

James beamed. “Okay, but what about-”

“Do not finish that sentence,” Regulus interrupted, following James with his eyes as he stood up.

James plastered a mock look of innocence on his face. “I was going to say my hair, Reg. Get your mind out of the gutter.”

Regulus’ eyes moved to his hair, probably subconsciously. But still, it made James happy. He prided himself in his hair, perhaps a bit too much. It was worth it now though, it had caught Regulus’ attention.

Touch it.

Please touch my hair.

James did not really think of himself as a needy man. But right now he needed Regulus to touch him, his whole body was on fire and the way he was looking at him… James needed it.

As if Regulus read his thoughts, his hand slowly moved up. He twisted one of James’ curls in between his fingers, testing out the feeling of it. And then, just once, he ran his fingers through more of it, a concentrated look on his face.

James fought against the weaker part of himself. The part that was telling him to just kiss him.

James had to be patient. He was learning patience.

Regulus pulled his hand back, tucking it behind his back. “That’s all you get.”

“More than enough for me,” James said, completely honest.

Good things come to those who wait.

***

Regulus blamed Pandora. For everything.

Her stupid text kept popping into his head the entire ride to the music awards. They were arriving in a limo, which Regulus thought was a bit much but Sirius loved how dramatic limos were, unsurprisingly.

He could feel the tube of lipgloss burning a hole in his pocket. Ever since he reapplied it, all he could think about was James. He had thought of many creative ways to put lipgloss on James, among them was kissing his lips and simply transferring what he had on.

This was all Pandora’s fault. He had never even cared about kissing him before, hardly even thought about what it would be like. Now, with him seated just inches away, the angle was perfect for Regulus to stare at his lips. He was not as unabashed as James was, he could not simply just stare. He had more tact than that, and he would have died of embarrassment if he had been caught.

James would look pretty with lip gloss though. Regulus didn’t have any evidence to back it up, just the fact that he would die if he never saw it. Obviously, he did not voice any of this. He sat quietly in the limo and sipped on the drink that Remus mixed for him. He was tempted to get belligerently drunk so that he actually could lose all of his inhibitions, but he had already let go of himself too much with his confessions to James.

He never expected to find a confidant in him, not when he was still pretty sure he hated him. But, well one doesn’t simply go spilling all of their deepest secrets to people they hated, did they? He could blame it on the fact he was drinking, but even he couldn’t lie to himself that much. He had barely had a sip of anything at that point.

“Reggie?” 

Sirius’ voice pulled him out of his thoughts. He was being all touchy and gross with Remus before they had to pretend they weren’t madly in love. But now he was looking at Regulus a bit expectantly. Had he said something? Regulus couldn’t remember.

“Hmm?”

“Safe to assume you don’t wanna walk the carpet, yeah?” Sirius said.

Regulus nodded, he had no interest in a bunch of flashing lights. Technically, usually, the plus ones did walk the carpet. Ava was going to be doing it with Remus, at least for a little before he would take pictures with the whole band. But he did not want to. He did not need his picture smeared over the internet more than it already was.

Sirius turned to Mary, who had rode in the limo with them. Regulus had yet to speak to her, she was busy on her phone, probably working. She had a similar job to Dorcas, so he understood. Plus, it wasn’t like he was interested in conversation much at the moment.

“Told you,” he said to her. It made Regulus realize he missed more of the conversation than he thought.

Mary looked up from her phone finally, looking between Sirius and Regulus. She smiled, clearly trying to goad them into something.

“I know you don’t want to…”

“I’m not doing it,” Regulus said immediately. He was not walking the carpet. He refused.

“But it will help both of you,” she finished, not even paying attention to his interruption. What she apparently didn’t know was that Regulus did not care either.

“No.”

Mary looked at Sirius, attempting to get him to convince Regulus. She must not know how little that would work.

He shrugged. “I’ll give you five pounds,” he offered.

Regulus stared at him. “We’re in the States.”

“Okay, five dollars then.”

“No.”

“Mm, well, I tried.”

Mary sighed. “Sirius, it will bring in a lot of good publicity to see you two supporting each other.”

“I don’t want publicity,” he said.

Mary looked back at him, her face stony. “Then you will be forgotten,” she said honestly. It was true, if you weren’t being talked about in the media, then people tended to forget you existed. Thankfully, that was exactly what Regulus wanted. He was tired of being in the spotlight, he was tired of having every single movement critiqued and judged by the masses.

“That’s what I want.”

Everyone in the limo went quiet. They had mostly been quiet, but now everyone froze. They were still on the up and up, they were still basking in all of the rewards that fame brought. Soon they would be forced to face the truth, and that was that fame was ugly. It wasn’t always adoring fans and getting drunk after a show. It was doing cocaine like it was routine, it was ignoring the people who spoke about you like they knew you, it was about suppressing who you were to appeal better to the masses.

Regulus didn’t want it anymore. He had never wanted it. Sirius was always the one who was better at that sort of thing. He could play a part, he was charismatic and he knew how to talk to people. He always wanted to be known, he was destined for it. Regulus was their parents last resort. They exploited his dancing skills for everything they could, they tried to make people remember the Black name. He wanted to make sure that didn’t happen. He wanted all of their work to be for nothing.

Mary pivoted, changing her strategy. She was intelligent, Regulus had to give her credit for that. She couldn’t bribe him or threaten him. But she could bargain with him.

“Just five minutes,” she said, leveling her eyes.

Regulus kept contact. He responded best to logic and reason, and he wasn’t stupid. He knew how a negotiation worked.

“No.”

“No?”

“Yes.”

“So you’re saying yes?”

“No.”

Mary pressed her lips together. “Three minutes?”

“No.”

She sighed, typing something on her phone. Everyone was still a little bit tense, waiting to see what the outcome of this was going to be.

Her phone pinged; she cleared her throat and then she looked back up. “Two minutes and I never bother you about publicity stuff again.”

Regulus knew what they wanted. They wanted Sirius and Regulus to look like a unit, to make it seem like Sirius wasn’t completely cut off from his family, to make Regulus seem more redeemable. He understood exactly what they were trying to get across. Still, he did not want to do it.

Before he could actually say this though, his phone started ringing. He looked at the name, looked at Mary, and he glared. He was quite sure he had never been so angry with someone so easily. Regulus was impressed, he really was.

He answered the phone, putting it up to his ear and keeping his stare hard.

“Hello.”

“Regulus, what the fuck?” Dorcas said, sounding a bit exasperated.

“Go to bed, Cas,” he told her. It was the early hours of the morning in London, there was no reason for her to be awake. And if Mary was the one who had woken her up, they were going to have an issue.

“Well I would like to, but my least favorite client is being stubborn.”

“I’m not doing it,” he told her simply. 

“You are.”

“No.”

“Regulus, really. You can’t spare five minutes?”

He smiled. “She’s already worked down to two.”

He could clearly envision the frustration on Dorcas’ face, evident in the way she sighed deeply. “It’s two minutes.”

“I know how long it is.”

“You can’t fake a smile for two minutes?”

“No.”

“Liar. I’ve seen you do it. You’re bloody charming when you want to be, you know?”

“Yes, I know,” he said. Regulus had always been very good at changing his personality to fit the mold he was expected to. That did not mean he liked to do it.

“So then, why can’t you?”

Regulus did not like the fact that everybody was listening into their conversation, and he was keeping his responses as brief and hard to understand without context as he possibly could. But they were all listening to him, even if they were pretending they weren’t.

“I don’t want to.”

“Well suck it up.”

“Excuse me?”

“I know you’re hellbent on destroying everything you have built for yourself, but I won’t let you. Whether you care or not, this will do wonders for your reputation. It will show that you’re a supportive brother, it will give people new content of you besides the image kissing Barty, it will help .”

Regulus clenched his jaw. He really did not want to do it. He was content with withering away into nothing and letting the whole world forget he existed. They never really would though, they would form their own narratives of what happened to him and he would have no say in it. This would let him get ahead of the story, decide how he wanted the path to be perceived. 

He sighed and tried to release some of the tension in his body. “Have a good night, Dorcas,” he said.

“You as well, Reg.”

He turned off his phone and looked at Mary. “I will give you two minutes. Not a second more.”

She smiled, clearly delighted that she had won. Regulus’ pride had always been an issue for him, and yes perhaps he was a little bit stubborn. So, it actually had taken a lot for him to agree to this. He felt a bit pathetic for thinking that it was worth it when he saw the smile that James offered him, brightening up the dark limo.

His lips would look so good with lipgloss on them. Regulus was stuck back in this train of thought, going round and round until he got dizzy.

———

From the moment they stepped out of the limo it was chaos. It was sometimes easy to forget that they were actually famous, that there were people that were properly obsessed with them. But in situations like these? Well, it was hard to forget. There were girls yelling all of their names and trying to push past security.

The carpet was outside, and he could already see the flashing lights of the camera, photographing people that were already there.

Regulus regretted agreeing. His skin was already starting to crawl the more he thought about what was to come. People were going to be yelling his name, yelling at him to look at their cameras or to pose a certain way. There was a reason it has been a long time since Regulus had done something like this. He never called the paparazzi, he avoided anywhere that was super public, and he did his best to disguise what he looked like when he left the house.

“Sirius,” Regulus said. To anybody else, he would have appeared perfectly calm, as though this didn’t make him incredibly anxious. After years of being punished and reprimanded for demonstrating anxious behavior, he learned how to hide it. 

“What? Are you okay?” he asked. The noise of all the people drowned out their conversation, thankfully.

“Fine.”

“Really?”

“Just… just don’t touch me. Okay? I don’t care if they ask you to hug me or put an arm over my shoulder. Don’t do it.”

Sirius nodded. “Yeah. Of course. Are you sure you want to do this?”

“I don’t want another phone call from Dorcas,” he responded, oversimplifying it. Dorcas would understand if he ended up backing out.

Still, Sirius decided to take his word for it.

How it was going to work was Remus and Ava were going to go out there and get some photos together, probably being all touchy and acting like a couple. It would probably make Sirius seethe, but they didn’t have much of a choice. Sirius and Regulus would be on the carpet at the same time, trying to make it all go as efficiently as possible while Peter and James got some pictures alone.

Two minutes.

He could handle two minutes.

The timer in his head was at the ready. He did not plan to be out there for any longer than 120 seconds, no matter what.

They had to wait in line though, which was not helping Regulus feel any less anxious. It was going to take at least five minutes before they got to the carpet.

Sirius fell back a little to talk to Remus, probably being open about his insecurities and making him reassure him. Regulus wished he could do that sometimes, just be honest about what he was thinking and what he was feeling. It would save him a lot of miscommunication in the future if he could just say what he wanted.

James took a big step so he was standing next to him, the tiniest sliver of space between their arms.

“Hello,” James said with a smile, probably trying to be reassuring. What James didn’t know was that he made Regulus a lot more anxious than before. It wasn’t his fault, really. It was Regulus’ for being so affected by a couple of tiny words. “Feeling alright?”

“Fine,” he responded, lying. Why couldn’t he just say what he meant.

“Cool, cool,” James said, stuffing his hands in his pockets a bit awkwardly. They were in a section where nobody could see them. It was intentional, they didn’t need to worry about being photographed until they were actually on the carpet. “If it’s worth anything, I think you’re going to do great.”

Regulus fought the urge to say something mean. He was in a snappy mood, he did not need nor want false assurances. Yeah, he’d probably be fine. He’s had enough media training to last four lifetimes. He wasn’t worried about the two minutes he was going to spend in front of a camera. He was worried about what was going to come afterward. He didn’t want to ruin the night for Sirius by being his usual self.

So, he nodded instead, keeping his eyes forward. James kept rambling though.

“I mean, obviously you’ll do great. And you look…well you look radiant really, which will transfer onto the camera too, like it’s impossible to miss. You’re impossible to miss. And Sirius will be there, which will be nice, probably. I mena, okay he’s actually a bit of a git sometimes, but he means well. And…”

“James,” Regulus interrupted, hoping his cheeks weren’t as red as he thought they were.

He closed his mouth, looking up at the sky for a moment and blowing out a deep breath of air. “Right, sorry. I’m a bit nervous myself, actually. I mean I’ve done this before with ease. But tonight is just… different. I guess.”

Regulus frowned a little bit. He was honestly a bit surprised at James exhibiting anything other than misplaced confidence. He didn’t know how to be reassuring, he didn’t even know where to start.

“Why’s tonight different?” he asked.

Regulus was learning that asking questions got him absolutely nowhere.

“Oh, well that’s easy,” James said. Regulus raised an eyebrow, waiting for clarification. “Because you’re here.”

“Me?”

Regulus had still not learned to stop asking questions. The answer was never what he expected.

“Yes, you. You make me nervous, did you know?” He felt his throat go a little dry. Did he really make James nervous? It didn’t seem possible, it wasn’t like Regulus outright did anything to try and evoke that. He just existed. “In any case, they’re good nerves.”

“Good nerves?” he choked out. 

Stop asking questions, idiot.

James had not stopped smiling since he started talking to Regulus. “Yes. Good nerves. I mean, I’m going to be performing my absolute best out there to impress you, obviously. So, the nerves are helping.”

Regulus did not know what to say. He was a bit too focused on James, which was better than focusing on the cold dread coursing through his body the closer they got to the carpet.

“Oh,” he managed.

James was simply not affected by Regulus’ inability to form a coherent thought. He normally figured himself a pretty well spoken person, but apparently James rendered him speechless.

“I like your lipgloss, by the way,” James said, looking down at his lips and back to his eyes. Again. And again.

Regulus tried not to literally whimper, he was dangerously close to letting James Potter seduce him, and that was a very dangerous thing to do. He could not afford messing this up right now. He still hated him in any case, this changed absolutely nothing.

Regulus was probably lying to himself. He recognized that by now.

He scrambled for something to say, anything. It was hard to focus when James kept looking at him like that, and he felt like he did when they were at the hotel and James was calling him gorgeous without understanding the consequences of his words.

“Do you want some?” he asked, cursing himself for that being the first thing he thought of. Most men did not like to present themselves very femininely, and while James would not judge him for wearing it, he probably wouldn’t want to himself.

“I do.”

“You do?”

James nodded. “Yes.”

Regulus was going to die.

He grabbed the tube from his front pocket, having kept it there for when he needed to reapply it. He held it out for James who just looked at it in confusion, which in turn made Regulus confused.

“What?” Regulus asked, willing his hands to not shake. When had James started standing so close to him?

James grinned, his head turning a bit sideways. “You’re not going to put it on for me?”

Oh, fuck me.

Yes, I will. I’ll do anything you ask of me.

“No,” Regulus said instead. 

James frowned a little, but he took the tube anyway. That was when Regulus realized his mistake. He now had to watch James slowly spread the gloss onto his lips, staring at him the whole time because he liked making things painful for Regulus. He could not look away, not when his lips parted, not when he rolled the wand onto his lips, not when he pressed his lips together to spread it out more evenly, and not when he recapped the gloss and tried to hand it back to him.

James, apparently tired of waiting, slipped it back into Regulus’ pocket and leaned in close. “I think you’re up, Reg.”

Regulus blinked as he pulled away, not realizing they were at the front of the line. His thoughts were so far disconnected from reality that the next two minutes passed in a blink. Perhaps that had been James’ goal all along.

***

Could everyone hear how loud his heart was beating? There was no way he was the only one who could hear it. For a moment he had really thought it would beat out of his chest, just skip off away from him and leave him empty.

James must have been a better actor than he gave himself credit for. He kept his cool the entire time. He didn’t stutter over his words. Well, not much. Okay, he had rambled on a little bit, but it had not been a joke when he said Regulus made him nervous. His only motivation to go on the carpet anymore was the fact that Regulus might be watching him from the other side.

His skin flashed between hot and ice cold. Regulus had been incapable of words, but James’ throat was tightening with each passing second, he really has no clue how he made it through any of that. His goal had been to casually distract Regulus from the impending doom of the carpet. Just because he didn’t have an issue with it did not mean he didn’t understand what it was like.

Of course, nothing went as planned. He was supposed to keep talking about nonsense, asking Regulus questions to distract him. Instead, James was distracted. Regulus had added more of the gloss to his lips just before they got out of the limo. James wanted to taste it, just a tiny little taste of the pink sparkly gloss and he would be set for life.

James watched him with Sirius. His eyes were a bit distracted, he seemed to be moving mostly on autopilot, actually. James hoped that meant his plan had worked.

Peter patted him on the back rather abruptly, dragging him out of his trance.

“Alright, Prongs?” he asked, a teasing look on his face.

He cleared his throat. “Yeah- Umm, yes. Yes. Alright.”

“You sure?” Peter said, raising an eyebrow. “You seem a bit flushed.”

“How much did you see?” James asked.

Peter laughed, trying to guide him along to where they were now supposed to join Remus and Sirius on the carpet. “I saw enough.”

The cameras started flashing immediately, hardly giving them a chance to arrange themselves. It always went, from left to right, James, Sirius, Peter, and then Remus. It was an unconscious thing they did, never really thinking too much about it. It was the most natural and it didn’t accentuate the height differences too much. Well, except for Remus, he was just way taller than all of them anyway, no hiding that.

James didn’t even have to fake his smile, in fact it was probably suspiciously genuine. He hoped Regulus was watching. He had told him he was trying to impress him.

Sirius looked up at him at some point, genuine concern on his face when he saw James.

“What the fuck?” he asked. The cameras kept taking pictures, Jame kept smiling. Nothing could bring him down at this point. “Prongs, you look like a maniac.”

“I feel like one,” he said, perhaps a bit too excitedly.

Peter had a knowing look on his face and Remus looked amused at the contrast between him and Sirius.

“Sirius! Smile for us!” one of the photographers yelled, their voice somehow breaking out from the crowd.

Probably reserving to ask him about it later, Sirius went back to smiling for the cameras. They still had a job to do, and right now that was what came first.

Regulus and Ava were waiting on the other side of the carpet when they got off. Regulus was avoiding James’ eyes, which he considered a good sign, actually. It meant he hadn’t been making up everything that he felt back there, and it made James smile even more. His cheeks were starting to hurt, he didn’t care.

Sirius looked a bit frustrated that nobody would tell him anything after he loudly asked, “Why is Prongs smiling like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like a serial killer, James,” Peter told him a bit patronizingly.

“Can’t a man just be happy?” he asked with a tiny sigh.

Sirius opened his mouth to respond and then promptly closed it, eyes going a little bit wide at something behind James. Before he could even ask what happened, he heard his name being called from a voice he had not heard in years.

“Jamie!”

Oh, shit.

Shit.

James turned around, his smile much more diluted now as he came face to face with Alecto Carrow. She was smiling too, her lips upturned in a way that almost looked evil.

So, Alecto might have been James’ girlfriend in secondary school, and it ended less than amicably to say the least. James was just always busy, with sports and school and his friends, he tended to neglect the fact he had a girlfriend at all. She was the one who asked him out originally, and James couldn’t think of a reason to say no. In hindsight, that was not a good reason to date someone, but he was young and Sirius had already had a couple girlfriends by then. He just thought it was what he was supposed to do.

“Alecto,” he said, reminding himself to be nice. He forgot she came to things like these. She was a music producer, so some of the things she had produced were likely nominated for an award. “How have you been?”

Behind him he could hear a hushed conversation between Regulus and Sirius.

“Who’s that?”

Sirius let out a small laugh. “Oh, you’ll see, Reggie.”

James was dreading this whole thing now. So much for nothing bringing him down. Their relationship had been bad on both ends. He sort of forgot she existed at times, she shamed him for never wanting to have sex with her. Toxic was the best way he could think of to describe it.

The worst part is, before everything happened, he had actually liked Alecto. Not in a romantic way, he realized now, but she was a good friend to him before they started dating.

“I’ve been fantastic! And yourself?”

James knew this entire conversation was stilted on both of their ends, but she was actually enjoying it, which made it all the worse.

“Yeah, pretty good,” he said.

She nodded, humming a little bit. James knew it was coming, he expected it by now. Every time he ran into her she would ask him the same question. It made him sick to his stomach each and every time. She had no right-

“So, are you still a virgin, Jamie?” she asked, words dripping in sweetness and knives. She kept her voice down, but his friends were right there, they could hear everything.

He heard Regulus start coughing behind him, but for once James wasn’t really thinking about him. His throat started to close again, this time in a way that made him uncomfortable, and he realized he was trying not to cry. After all these years she still had this grip on him that he never seemed to be able to shake. James would rebuild himself over and over, and she was still fucking there. Always lingering.

Sirius stepped forward, eyes sharp. James felt small. “Why don’t you bother someone else, hmm?”

She did not react to him, which was a feat in itself. Sirius was scary when he was angry. “I will,” she said with a small nod of confirmation. “After I get all the updates on Jamie here.”

She tried to reach for his hands and he jumped back. James had dealt with bullies, he knew how their minds worked, but for some reason Alecto was his kryptonite. She was beautiful, and she had long dark hair with dark eyes to match. She was beautiful and she was cold and James started to wonder if he had a type. Was Regulus going to hurt him too?

He stopped himself from turning around to look at him, it would just hurt. The people he loved never loved him back. James knew he wasn’t good enough, Alecto reminded him of it every single time he saw her. It didn’t make it hurt any less, though.

“Leave,” Sirius told her.

She looked right at James. “Jamie?”

He hated being called that. He hated it only because she called him it. After they broke up he made his parents stop saying it, he made his little cousins stop saying it, everyone. 

“Yes, I’m still a virgin,” he said, the same thing he said every time.

She smiled as if she was happy about it, as if she were pleased to know it. James tended to not feel hatred for people, he liked to give them the benefit of the doubt. But he would be lying if he said Alecto wasn’t his least favorite person.

James’ fake smile dropped completely the moment she left. He hated feeling like this, couldn’t bare it really.

“Prongs?” Sirius said, turning around to look at him.

James knew Sirius wanted to hug him, but for once he was in no mood for it. “I need a minute,” he told them, practically running away. 

He didn’t know where he was going, he just knew he needed to be alone.

The bathroom was not empty, but it was the closest to privacy he was going to get. He locked himself in one of the stalls, trying to just breathe. He knew how to breathe. He’d been doing it for twenty three years now, he could do it for the next couple of minutes.

———

“I’m fine,” he promised for probably the twelfth time. Why was nobody taking his word for it? Everything was fine.

Since he got back and found them at the table, Sirius had been questioning his well-being. He didn’t need Sirius to worry, he had enough going on. And really, James was fine. He was handling it all on his own and everything was going to be alright.

Dinner had been served already, and somebody had made a plate for him. He could hardly touch it though, and he opted for people watching instead. There were so many people there that James had looked up to forever, and he wanted to get up and go say hi to them, introduce himself. James was always good at pretending he was okay when he really wasn’t. He would support his friends through whatever they were going to, he would drop everything he was doing and focus on them. Making his friends happy made him happy, he didn’t need much else than that.

The actual award show wasn’t going to start until after everyone had eaten, although it looked like that was finally coming to a close anyway since people were going around and cleaning up the tables.

“Prongs?” Sirius said, trying to catch his eye.

James smiled, knowing it would be reassuring if Sirius saw him smile. “Did you know Shara Tyler is here somewhere?” he asked, all but demanding that they change the topic. He didn’t like everyone looking at him like he was fragile. He was fine . 

Sirius sighed, looking a bit defeated. “Yeah. Haven’t seen her yet though.”

James shrugged and went back to looking around at everyone. He found people, as a general topic, to be wholly fascinating. The way they interacted with each other and with their surroundings. If James hadn’t gone into music, he has no doubt he would have ended up studying sociology.

Some people were standing around a bit awkwardly, and James recognized them as the people who were still new to this whole world. He had been like that once, feeling out of place no matter where he went. Sometimes he still felt like that, he just got better at hiding it. Some people were also very clearly drunk or high on some sort of drug, a common theme in the music industry. James sort of wished he had a little bit more to drink earlier, it would have made the interaction with Alecto much more bearable.

The noise seemed to slowly start dying down and the lights got darker for a moment. He knew it meant the show was starting soon, and he was grateful for the distraction. He would have something to pay attention to that wasn’t the concerned looks on his friends faces.

Really and truly, James was perfectly fine.

***

Rage was not a new feeling for Regulus, not at all. He was used to getting angry, usually at things that were far too small to evoke such a response, but still. The world was an angering place full of frustrating people and situations. Regulus spent years learning it, and now he’s just spent years simply knowing it. He knew how to be angry, he even knew what it felt like.

This was new.

This was rage he had never known before.

He had never seen James respond like that, not to anyone and not to anything. He had seen people yell terrible things to him in public, he had watched interviews that were downright disrespectful, and still James responded above it all, completely unaffected by what anybody else had to say.

But this girl comes up to them and all of the sudden James is quieter than Regulus had ever seen. He saw the way his whole demeanor changed. Yes, he was avoiding eye contact, but he was still looking, he couldn’t help it.

He clenched his fists, quite honestly waiting for her to say something that would have excused a swift punch to the face. He liked to think he was above violence, but really, he wasn’t. Not when it came to someone who knocked James down so quickly. So easily.

And then James left, and he looked sadder than Regulus even thought possible for him. So now he was out for blood.

“Who the fuck was that?” he asked, looking for her in the crowd of people.

“Alecto Carrow,” Sirius said, his eyes as blazing as Regulus’.

“She made him sad,” Regulus said, unable to accept it. In the past couple of weeks he had known him, Regulus had never once seen him anything other than happy. And while that wasn’t healthy at all, he still did not want James to be sad.

“Pads?” Remus said, appearing in front of his face. Sirius had been looking for her too.

He lifted his head to look at him, still not softening. “She can’t keep doing this.”

Remus sighed. “He doesn’t want us to do anything.”

“So?”

“You promised.”

“I didn’t,” Regulus said, deciding to pay attention to their conversation now. He never promised James anything about her, in fact this was the first time he had ever heard of her.

Remus looked at him sideways. “Since when did you start caring so much about James?” he asked.

“I don’t,” he insisted. Regulus hates James. He does. Right?

Sirius started looking at him the exact same way, although he was looking deeper, like he was trying to figure something out. Regulus refused to keep eye contact, afraid Sirius would see something that Regulus was refusing to confront.

“You do,” Sirius said.

“I don’t.”

Sirius smiled. “I knew you’d come around eventually. Everybody adores James, even you can’t resist him.”

“I’m resisting,” he mumbled, keeping his tone flat.

Just because he didn’t want James to be upset did not mean he cared. It just meant… Well, Regulus didn’t actually know what it meant. He just knew he hated James anyway, this did not change that.

———

He was pretty sure she was avoiding them, which was smart. He would simply not accept her even coming near them again. He was out for blood at this point.

James came back about thirty minutes later. He was not saying anything about Alecto and he was acting like nothing had even happened. He wouldn’t tell Sirius where he had even been or what he was doing. He kept insisting he was fine, which was honestly making Regulus want to snap.

James made him talk, James gave him space to open up, so why couldn’t he let Regulus do the same thing? He didn’t really know how to, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t try. James just…he needed to let himself be upset. He probably wouldn’t even react if they didn’t win the awards. Which, yeah he could be happy for whoever won, but he could be sad at the same time, and that was what he needed to realize.

Regulus didn’t say a word to him though. He kept looking for whoever the fuck that Alecto girl was, waiting for his oppurtunity to say something, to give her a piece of his mind. Who even cared if James was a virgin? Why was she so obsessed with his sex life? It was borderline psychotic, actually.

His business was his business.

Remus nudged him, probably harder than he needed to. “Cameras are on,” he said, his voice sharp.

“But-”

“I know,” Remus said. “You have to pretend though. For a couple more hours.”

He wanted to be angry about it, but he couldn’t even show that because now there were cameras on everyone basically the entire night. Regulus knew what the night entailed, and still he had forgotten all about how he was supposed to present himself until that moment.

He didn’t smile, but he at least pretended he wasn’t boiling over with anger every time he looked at James. It was all a show, and it wasn’t one he was interested in watching.

Ava, who was a bit confused about all of the drama, held up most of the conversation, quite the contrast to earlier when she had been quiet.

“What are you guys nominated for again?” she asked.

Peter was the only one who was even capable of answering her. James was off in his own world, staring at the stage and the people presenting the awards. Sirius kept staring at Remus, both of them sharing concerned looks about James.

“Best duo/ group, umm top album and top single,” Peter said, listing them off.

Regulus hadn’t even looked at the awards or who else was nominated. Sirius said that they probably wouldn’t win any of them and Regulus just took that as it was. But those were some pretty big categories, basically the biggest ones there even were. So, well that meant there was a chance. They didn’t nominate just anybody for those categories.

“What, seriously?” he asked. He thought they were maybe nominated for a half award that was so hyper-specific.

James turned his attention to Regulus, looking at him for the first time since he got back. His eyes were different, that was the first thing Regulus noticed. He had a smile on his face, but it wasn’t real. By now Regulus was pretty confident in his abilities to tell if James’ smile was real or not.

“Impressed?”

“Beyond measure.”

James hummed, looking back towards the stage as if anything actually interesting was happening.

Regulus held back a sigh and turned his attention the same way. He didn’t really pay any attention. He clapped when everybody else did, and he smiled whenever he saw a camera coming closer to their table. He was well practiced in knowing when to put on a mask.

His ears perked up a little bit when the first of their categories was called. ‘Best Duo/Group’.

When he was younger, Regulus used to tease Sirius about being in a boyband. It used to make him so mad, asking Regulus questions like ‘Was Queen a boyband?’ and Regulus would have to tell him he would never be Queen. Still, what they had accomplished was impressive, and some small brotherly part of him was actually proud that they were even nominated for this.

“And the winner is…” the presenter paused, opening the envelope at what felt like an agonizingly slow pace. None of the guys were even anxious about it, and they had almost identical smiles on their faces. Small and humble. “The Marauders!”

Everybody erupted into applause, just like they had done for every other winner that was announced. Regulus could not help the look of shock on his face as they all stood up. Remus gave Ava a hug and Regulus remembered he was supposed to do the same thing to congratulate them. 

He could only bear giving Sirius a hug, and even then he made sure it was over as quickly as it began and the four of them were walking up to the stage.

“They actually won?” he asked Ava, unsure if he was imagining it.

She smiled. “You know, they’re actually pretty good.”

Regulus had seen them live, he knew that was the case. And he knew that this was their year, they had gone global, international even, and were topping every single chart when their album was released. Still, it was a bit surreal to see Sirius up on the stage, accepting an award with his mates from secondary school.

Sirius stepped forward to start his speech. Regulus knew enough to know that they were written in advance, but Sirius had never really been one to actually follow a script.

“Holy shit!” he said, causing the crowd to laugh. “Wow, umm, honestly this is just so incredible and we are so thankful for each and every one of our fans that made our being here possible,” he said, a faraway look in his eye while he looked at the camera. To everybody else, he looked like a shining star. To Regulus, he just looked like his older brother.

This speech was much shorter because of the category. It wasn’t a very important one in the grand scheme of things, although it was still one that people cared about, so they would be airing it live. Regulus clapped again with everyone else when they went backstage.

Twenty minutes later they came back to the table. Sirius and Remus both had flushed cheeks, James was the same as he was before the award, still disconnected from reality but pretending to be in the moment. Peter was trying to hide his laugh. Everything was as it should be.

And then, eventually, the more important categories started getting called, like Top Artist or Top Billboard 100 song, things to that effect. 

“And the winner for Top Single of the year is…” another long exaggerated pause. It was getting a bit old, did they really need to build suspense every single time? “ You Get Me So High by the Marauders!”

This time, Regulus was not the only one who was genuinely surprised. Really they had only thought they would win the best group award and that was it. So far, two out of three.

Sirius took the mic again. He got the indebted thank yous out of the way and started talking about what the song meant to him. Regulus hadn’t even known he was the one who wrote it, although it was obvious now. The song was about Remus.

“So, I wrote this song about someone who was very important to me and well, I was really quite besotted with them, actually,” Sirius said, blushing a little bit when people in the crowd started cheering for him. The worst part was that they all thought he was talking about a girl. Remus remained impassive though, also an exceptionally good actor. He wondered how many times they had lied to Regulus and gotten away with it, their ability to lie or twist the truth was unparalleled. “Thank you!” Sirius said again at the end of his speech.

They all returned much quicker the next time around since the final category they were nominated for was in the next couple of minutes.

Regulus leaned forward a little bit. “Did you guys rig this?” he asked genuinely.

Sirius’ jaw dropped. “Rude.”

He shrugged, turning back around. He was already bored of being here. He just wanted to go to bed, if he was honest. One last night in the hotel and then he could go back home to London.

“Top album of the year goes to The Marauders!”

Finally, finally, even James faltered a little bit, his facade cracking as they won their third award of the evening. 

“Oh you’re fucking joking,” Regulus said, watching as they all stood up a third time.

Sirius moved to stand by him, obviously expecting another hug. Regulus tried not to roll his eyes and instead smiled. Cameras were watching their interaction and Regulus had to be happy for his brother before anything else.

This time, it was Remus who took the microphone. Regulus knew what that meant, and he nudged Ava a little bit.

“Time to act,” he told her.

“Hi, umm we’re The Marauders. We just wanted to thank everyone who had a part in the making of this album. It’s a body of work that’s so special to each of us and to the fans, who we also want to thank profusely for making this happen. Umm, we also want to thank the Potter’s for giving us a place to practice every day after school, and for having the best snacks. I want to thank my beautiful girlfriend, Ava, for being there for me through all of this,” he said, gesturing to their table.

Ava looked elated, smiling and blowing kisses, blushing at the same time. Yeah, she was a good actor too.

Sirius was visibly trying to remain calm, zoned out completely with a frozen smile on his face. Regulus was glad he would never have to deal with something like this, all the jealousy and anger and resentment, it couldn’t be healthy, especially for a relationship that still technically isn’t official.

Sirius leaned over and took the microphone, and Regulus only prayed that he wasn’t about to say something stupid.

“And I want to thank my brother!” Sirius said loudly, pointing directly at Regulus. The tight smile stayed on his face while the cameras panned over to him. “Reggie! You’re a legend!”

Was he drunk? He wasn’t paying much attention to how much Sirius was drinking, he wasn’t his keeper. But, well he would have noticed if he had that much, right? He supposed there were waiters carrying around flutes of champagne and refilling glasses as soon as they were even halfway empty.

James stepped forward this time, Regulus held his breath.

“And I would like to thank my ex-girlfriend for inspiring so many songs on this album,” he said, a fake smile on his face. He was searching for someone in the crowd, and he seemed to find her, because his eyes locked on one spot that Regulus couldn’t see. “Including, but not limited to, Maniac! Giver her a round of applause everybody!”

The crowd looked so confused, and there were a couple of people who started slow clapping, unsure of what to do at this point.

Peter, in a moment of saving grace, grabbed the mic away from James, said a couple more random and general thank yous, and got all of them off the stage.

This was not going to go over well.