balancing act

James was getting anxious. He hated keeping things from his friends, because before anything else, that’s what they always were. Even if they were arguing over a song, or the track order for an album, they remained friends through all of it.

Sirius was still busy with Regulus, they would probably be in there for the rest of the bus ride anyway. It was a good thing that they were finally getting a chance to talk through things without any interruptions. James had been trying to get Sirius to open the lines of communication all week, and even if it had taken a while, they were there now. James could show him later anyway, individually. He knew Sirius would probably force him to talk about it too, which was part of the reason he was so scared to show them. It was very personal, he didn’t normally write songs like this. But, he needed their help with more of the instrumentals, and they were going to hear it eventually, especially if it was going on the album.

At the very least, Remus and Peter wouldn’t force him to talk through it, not immediately. They seemed to know when to back off whereas Sirius didn’t have boundaries in that regard. James loved him for it, except for when it was used against him.

“I’ve been talking to Mary,” he said once the conversation had broken off and they were all quiet. It had taken him a couple of minutes to work up to it, and he was fidgeting nervously with his hands. Vulnerability had never scared James before, but now he was wondering if he had ever actually been vulnerable.

Peter had already sort of read the song, but James didn’t know how much of it he had gone through, seeing as he practically ripped the notebook away the first chance he got.

“Is she okay?” Remus asked, looking up from his phone.

James nodded, trying to get over the fact that he was nervous . He had never been nervous to show them anything before, no matter how vulnerable it was. “Yeah, she’s doing great. Umm, I just…” James trailed off, unsure what to say or even how to say it.

Peter seemed to catch on, hopefully remembering that morning a couple of days ago. “The song?” he asked, his voice quieter than it normally was, likely giving James a branch to grab onto if he wanted.

“What song?”

“Mary wanted another song.”

“Can I Call you Tonight?” Remus said, referring to the song they had written together.

“One separate from that.”

“Oh. Well, that’s fine. We can write another one. By when?”

James loved Remus, and really he almost took him up on the offer, fully prepared to brush the song he wrote under the rug so that nobody would ever have to see it. Peter was not going to let that happen though, and the look in his eyes was one trying to nudge him along.

“I already have one,” he said quietly. He probably wasn’t ready for something so personal to him to go out into the world, or to have the band edit it, or to have to change some lyrics because they were too obvious. He wasn’t ready for the world to listen to it and know that James was the sole songwriter. But there was time before all of that, and he could show his best friends, at the very least.

Remus put his phone down, fully in the moment, which James appreciated greatly. Peter had been invested since he realized what James’ intentions were. He wouldn’t have been able to handle it if they would have acted disinterested, or even the slightest bit distracted, he would have lost all of his confidence.

“Should we wait for Sirius?” Peter asked James.

“No. Umm, no. I’ll… I’ll show him alone,” he said, getting up to get his notebook from his bunk. He always kept it under his pillow when he slept, a habit he had acquired when he was still in secondary school. He lost things all the time, but if he always knew where it was when he went to bed, then he would always know where it was when he woke up. To this day, the only time he had ever lost a notebook was in the move from home to school in sixth year, and James had freaked out about it, phoning his parents in a panic the moment he realized he couldn’t find it. In the end, he had left it under his pillow at home and just forgotten about it, but still, it was probably the worst first day he had ever had. James liked to know where everything was.

He flipped to the page near the end, silently reminding himself he would need to buy a new one soon. James hated starting new notebooks, most of the time. They were too empty, he liked the way they looked when they were messy and chaotic and full. Empty notebooks lacked the passion that James knew he felt, and everytime he had to get a new one it would put him in a bit of writer’s block. The worst case of it lasted four months right after their very first tour, he didn’t even think about picking up a pen or pencil over all of that time.

“This one is… umm… it’s just really important to me, I guess?”

“Prongs. What did we say about disclaimers?” Remus said, a small smile on his face. James was usually the one reminding him that they didn’t need to introduce a song in a particular way, or try and warn the others about the contents. They had a strong foundation of trust already built, they didn’t need to preface a song. They all did it anyway though. Laying yourself bare in a song and then just showing it to someone was not an easy thing to do, the disclaimers helped them feel more secure that there wouldn’t be any backlash.

They would say things like ‘It’s just a rough draft’ or ‘I haven’t really finished it yet’, and James would tell them they were being stupid and that he was sure the song was fantastic anyway.

James was a bit of a hypocrite, though.

“No, I know. But this one’s…”

“Shut up,” Remus said.

“But…”

“Prongs, I will literally knock you out.”

Remus could do it too, that was the thing. He had a silent strength to him, from the outside he looked a bit lanky and weak, but Remus had learned how to fight. James had only ever seen him do it once, their last year in secondary school when someone had called Sirius a slur after he came out.

James closed his mouth, feeling a bit guilty. They weren’t rushing him, but they wouldn’t accept his self doubt, and he adored them for it. It made being vulnerable and being open a lot easier. He didn't need to explain himself, his song was his song, no matter who sang it, or who played the instruments. All that mattered was what he thought of it, and James really liked the song.

Before he could overthink any more, James practically shoved the notebook in their faces and sat back down on the couch, his leg bouncing up and down a bit restlessly. He tried not to evaluate their expressions either, tried to act like this wasn’t absolutely terrifying for him.

But I wanna feel all that love and emotion

Be that attached to the person I'm holding

Someday, I'll be falling without caution

But for now, I'm only people watching

I'm only looking just to live through you vicariously

I've never really been in love, not seriously

I had a dream about a house behind a picket fence

Next one I choose to trust, I hope I use some common sense

He hadn’t realized just how tightly he shut his eyes until Peter was telling him to open them, and he hadn’t realized he was holding his breath until Peter was reminding him to breathe.

“Mate, the song’s brilliant.”

James nodded, his throat was too tight to speak.

Remus handed the notebook back to him, and it was almost a security blanket, being the only one holding it, the only one able to look at it. The thought made him feel better.

“It is. And, if it’s too personal and you don’t want to send it to Mary, then don’t,” Remus said, always so logical and fact based. He didn’t need to see things any other way than what was simply true.

He didn’t know what to do. On one hand, the song would probably be a hit, their ballads tended to pull on so many heartstrings, and he was sure it was a song that people could connect with. It was raw and real and that’s what music was supposed to be. Making music was never supposed to feel safe and easy, not if James was doing it properly. It was supposed to feel like jumping off a cliff and not knowing what was at the bottom, not knowing if you would ever land, or if you would hit water. Music was uncertainty and James loved that about it. On the other hand, he almost had a panic attack trying to show a couple pages of lyrics to his best mates who he knew would never judge him. He wasn’t sure he could handle the response to the song, positive or negative.

It would probably be good for him; to do something that scared him. At times, James was too safe. He was an adrenaline junky, like the rest of his friends, but in a different way. James had no interest in snorting lines of cocaine to feel unstoppable and he had no interest in having sex with the first fan that caught his fancy at their shows. He liked the natural adrenaline, the power that coursed through his veins after the first chord on his guitar, the pulsing of his finger pads when he pressed on the strings, the high he chased whenever Regulus so much as looked at him. That one was new, but he already couldn’t get enough of it.

He didn’t often take chances, he didn’t like to gamble with his life or anyone else’s. But there was no reward without a little bit of risk, something that James still needed to learn. If he wanted to reap the benefits of a song like this then he was going to have to put it out in the world.

“I might need your guys’ help with the score,” he said, thinking about how he had no idea about the drums or bass, two elements that were very important to a good song. They were the heartbeat, the thumping in the background that could go unnoticed at times but you missed when it was gone. The song would be empty without it, just a guitar carrying the melody and nothing else.

“Yeah, of course. Somewhen this week?” Peter asked. 

Technically, they had a couple days off after the show tonight. But, that only meant they didn’t have any shows. They had a couple of public appearances and interviews that none of them were looking forward to. Remus was supposed to start teasing that he was seeing someone, a PR relationship with a movie star who needed the extra clout. None of them were excited about it, especially Sirius. He was probably more hung up about the whole thing than even Remus was. He sulked every time it was brought up, and no doubt they were going to be in another fight before the week was over.

They weren’t even dating and yet they acted like an old married couple.

“Yeah, sounds good,” James agreed, feeling a weight lifted off him. Now there was just the tricky business of showing it to Sirius and trying to get him to not overreact about it.

***

“I don’t understand.”

Sometimes, and only sometimes, Regulus really wanted to strangle his brother. He had been perfectly clear about everything, explained it in simple words, and yet he was still saying that he didn’t understand. Regulus didn’t know what else to do. He was tired of talking about the article, and yet he had to go over it with Sirius three different times now, explaining why he couldn’t dance anymore.

“My career in ballet is over.”

Sirius frowned. “But you love to dance.”

Regulus wondered if that had ever really been true, or if it was something he thought he was supposed to love. He dedicated his whole life to it, and he still didn’t know whether or not it brought him joy. A small part of him was a little bit relieved about the article, actually. The other part of him was mostly full of rage, but the relief was there along with it, and Regulus had no idea what that meant.

“It isn’t exactly by choice.”

“They really care that much that you’re gay?”

“Yes.”

“But why? You’re a fucking ballet dancer, what did they expect?”

Regulus fought a smile because he had thought the exact same thing. “It’s the London Ballet, they aren’t exactly known for being inclusive.”

The London Ballet actually had a very large reputation for the opposite. They would discriminate against dancers, they were openly homophobic and racist, fatphobic, literally as problematic an institution could possibly be. Regulus was always embarrassed to tell people that he danced there, even if it was technically a very impressive accomplishment.

He had had numerous conversations with Pandora and Dorcas on how they would take down the Ballet, exposing everything . There was proof of instructors all but forcing eating disorders on dancers, or them verbally abusing a dancer because they gained half a kilogram. 

Pandora was very passionate about it actually, and Regulus really hoped she would start a revolution. She was the most cut out for it, and of course Regulus would help. The reason nobody said anything though was because it was the same everywhere, and once you spoke out about ballet and the horrors of being on the inside, you were blacklisted. It would be impossible to even get a job in a local ballet, no matter how talented.

Sirius started fidgeting a bit awkwardly, and Regulus inwardly groaned for whatever stupid thing he was going to say now.

“So, is Barty a good kisser?”

“What?” Regulus said, a gut reaction that he couldn’t help, a laugh tumbling past his lips as he stared in disbelief. Out of all the things Sirius could have asked, about their father, about Regulus’ lack of a job, even about the weather, he wanted to know about Barty.

Sirius shrugged, amused with himself. “Well, is he?”

“Is Remus?”

“How did you know I kissed Remus?” Regulus didn’t even try to fight a smile. No, he hadn’t technically known because Sirius never told him anything, but he was more observant than most so of course he had noticed. “Fuck. Whatever, it isn’t even the same thing anyway. You kissing Barty is not the same as me kissing Remus.”

Regulus cocked his head to the side. “Disagree.”

“You kissed him as a friend.”

“In that picture, yes,” he said, purposefully being cryptic to be annoying. He learned at a very young age that annoying Sirius was one of his favorite pastimes.

Sirius blinked a couple of times, letting Regulus’ words wash over him. “What?”

“Barty and I used to date.”

“No, you didn’t.”

Regulus nodded. “Yeah, we did. He was my first love, actually.” Sirius had never met Barty and Evan when they were younger, seeing as Regulus kept everything as separated as he possibly could, and he kept mostly everything a secret, too. He kept his friends at school away from his house which also meant keeping them away from Sirius, since they had gone to different schools that part was easier than it should have been. “Mother caught us making out once though, so it ended rather abruptly.”

Sirius looked like he was genuinely so surprised, and he probably was. Regulus never talked about his dating history, especially not with Sirius. He got the same treatment in return, thankfully. He had no interest in hearing about Sirius’ sex life.

“Oh my God?”

“So, it is the same,” Regulus solidified. “Seeing as Remus is your first love and everything.”

Okay, truthfully he said it because he knew it would get a reaction out of Sirius, but he hadn’t expected for the reaction to be so strong. Really, it looked like Regulus had just told Sirius that time travel was real, he was so surprised. Blinking stupidly and staring with his mouth agape. Did Sirius really not know? It felt pretty obvious that they were in love, more so now. The first love thing had been a complete shot in the dark, but it had been true.

“What? No. I don’t- I’m not- We’re- Remus isn’t- He’s…”

Regulus waited for Sirius to form a proper sentence, eyebrows raised in amusement. It was so clear to everyone else that they were in love, even Regulus who had only spent six days with them.

“He’s… What?” Regulus asked, teasing him.

Sirius stood up. “I think we’re done with brotherly bonding.”

Regulus mock pouted. “But I just started having fun.”

“No. I’m not. You can’t just… You can’t. Okay?”

He knew when far enough was far enough, so he switched the topic back to something they would both be able to laugh at, taking Sirius’ feeling into account for once, even if he thought the previous conversation was hilarious.

“Barty is a fantastic kisser, yes,” Regulus confirmed,

Sirius froze, recollected himself, and sat back down. “I knew he would be. He has nice lips.”

“He does.”

“Remus is too, by the way. A good kisser.”

Regulus nodded. “Yeah, figured.”

After a beat of silence, Sirius collapsed into laughter. He gave no warning whatsoever. One second he was fine, the next he was doubled over and clutching his stomach, laughing more every time he met Regulus’ eyes and saw the very concerned expression.

“What?”

Sirius smiled, still trying to get himself together and stop laughing long enough to tell Regulus what was so funny. “Can you believe we both ended up gay?” he asked through a wheeze. “I mean, all that work Walburga did, and for nothing!” More laughter, and this time Regulus joined him. It was ridiculous, actually, how much their parents had tried to groom them to be perfect and to be straight and to know their place in society, and they both threw all of that to the wind. Sirius more than Regulus, but he was getting there.

———

Regulus was fantastic at hiding. It was mostly a skill from his childhood, but avoiding people was an art that he was quite skilled at. 

And avoiding James? 

Easy.

He wouldn’t look at him, he refused to speak to him, in fact he acted like he wasn’t there at all. On the inside there was a lot more turmoil, but he kept his face passive and nonchalant, acting as if he had never even met James before.

Regulus could tell it was annoying James, but he had no choice. He lost all his inhibitions when he was drunk, and he really should never have touched him, or spent so much time looking at his lips. It was making Regulus upset, actually, how much space James decided to take up in his brain.

Thankfully, he had a busy day ahead of him, something that was now going to be a rarity. It was even that he was busy or had a lot to do, that wasn't true. It was just that this was his last full official day on the tour, and he had made a promise to Marlene about finishing her score.

It was turning out really well, especially considering he was physically unable to play any of the instruments he was writing music for. She invited him into her room, making it very clear she was not going to talk about Dorcas. He was glad about the rule, actually. He did not need to hear about their… whatever it was. He did not need to know. 

Still, Marlene was a liar, and every ten minutes would say something about Dorcas. 

“So, she’s your manager? Dorcas, I mean.”

Regulus sighed, purposefully dramatic. “Yes, she is.”

Marlene nodded, clicking her tongue. “Cool, cool.”

Still, he was attempting to get some work done. The song was really cool, and Marlene was strumming some of the chords in an acoustic to try and figure out if it would sound good. She got distracted very easily though, something that Regulus normally would have been annoyed by, but he was literally using her as a distraction, so. 

“And she lived in London?”

“Marlene?” he asked, setting down the pen and paper and pretending like he was giving her his full attention. Talking about Dorcas was not his favorite past time, especially not when Marlene was dancing around the questions she actually wanted to ask.

“Yes?”

“Do you want to finish this song anytime soon?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, well then let’s not talk about Cas.”

Marlene smiled. “Oh, you call her Cas? That’s so cute!”

Regulus would have preferred arguing with Sirius again, or sitting in awkward silence with James, or even fracturing his other wrist.

“It really isn’t.”

“Okay, sorry. Right, the song. Thank you, again.”

Regulus didn’t know how to accept gratitude, so he just nodded tightly, his lips pressed together and a small mumble of, “It’s whatever.” He fidgeted a bit with the pen, twirling it between his fingers as he looked at the scores and tried to figure out what he was missing, if anything.

“You’re really talented at this, you know?”

“I know.”

It was true though, he was never one to pretend to be humble. Regulus knew what he was good at, he was aware of where his strengths lied and where he needed improvement. He didn’t like to do things he wasn’t good at, or wasn’t confident in doing. It was never a problem though, not really. He did well in school, he was good at sports, and at dance, and at music. It was all because of how he grew up and learning everything from such a young age. He wasn’t allowed to be anything less than extraordinary in anything he did.

Marlene was getting just as anxious as he was though, and she kept blowing out random puffs of air, making strands of her hair fly up. There wasn’t much else they could do, not until the song was recorded in a real studio and they could tweak things from there. Or, Marlene could anyway, since Regulus wasn’t going to be around for that.

“So,” Marlene said, drawing the word out and testing her boundaries on how far Regulus would let her push. It wasn’t very far at all, in the end, since a knock on the door interrupted whatever she was going to say.

With a sigh, she rolled out of the bed and went to open the door. Regulus didn’t care to find out who it was, paying more attention to the scores until he heard the voice of James Potter filtering in.

His first though? Run.

Admittedly, it really wasn’t that dramatic, but still. His body asked him ‘fight or flight’ and he was ready to go. His pride wouldn’t really let him, though, so he just pretended like he didn’t hear James and he pretended like every nerve ending in his body wasn’t on fire.

“Oh, hi Reg,” James said after he stepped into the room, a bit of confusion on his face but his voice still as bright as always.

“Hi,” he mumbled, packing up his things and getting ready to leave.

“What? You’re leaving?” Marlene asked.

He looked up to meet her eyes. “Yeah, the song's done.”

Regulus left the room at a speed that was slightly embarrassing, something Barty and Evan reminded him of when he went to bother them instead. They had their own hotel room, Regulus didn’t, so he didn’t feel bad at taking over their space. They were on this tour together for months, they would be able to have more than enough alone time when Regulus left.

They were playing a game of cards, telling them that they couldn’t deal Regulus in until one of them one, so he sat there for almost twenty minutes while they played one round of Uno. They were ridiculously competitive with each other, and it only worsened when Regulus started playing with them.

“Reggie, if you’re leaving tomorrow then can we go out tonight?” Barty asked after Regulus won a third round of Uno.

His mind flashed back to the last time they went out, and how it had ended up going for him.

“Why did we make out if you’re with Evan?” Regulus said, just now realizing they were in a relationship that entire time. It wasn’t uncommon, they had all made out before, but never while any of them were dating somebody else.

“What does that have to do with anything? We’re just friends.”

Evan nodded in agreement, and Regulus had a feeling that if he cared he would have said something.

“Still, most people don’t make out with other people while they’re in relationships.”

“Not all of us are as constantly jealous as you.”

“I’m not…” The look on Evan’s face made him trail off. So what if he was a jealous person? He liked things that were his to only belong to him.

“Anyway, I wouldn’t have let it happen with anyone but you,” Evan said.

“That is so weird. You guys have issues.”

“Evan, kiss Regulus to make it even,” Barty said, and Evan immediately started leaning forward.

Regulus shoved his face away with a small laugh, denying him completely. 

His jaw dropped in shock. “Reggie, why do you prefer Barty to me?”

“I hate both of you, actually.”

“He has his sights set on Potter now, which means no more platonic make outs,” Barty said with a pout.

Regulus sighed, deeply and dramatically because all he wanted to do was forget that James existed and just hate him in a way that wasn’t super complicated for his mind, body, and soul. “We’re not talking about him.”

“We’re not?” Evan said with a smirk.

“No.”

***

Showing Sirius should not have been any scarier than showing Pete and Remus, but it was. James was so nervous about it that Sirius was actually getting concerned and thinking something bad had happened since he got no explanation as to why James was pacing about the room. It’s just that James knew he would have to talk about it, Sirius wouldn’t let him leave this up in the air because James would never let Sirius do that.

“Prongs you’re making me very anxious,” Sirius said.

“I know.”

“Did something happen?”

He shook his head. “No.” The notebook was safely tucked in his bag, between a pair of sweatpants and a tank top. He would have to get it out soon to show him. It felt a bit like the tell tale heart, a subconscious beating he could hear, and that he was sure everybody else could hear. It would drive him mad if he never showed Sirius, he could already feel himself slipping into the guilt of being scared for him to see it.

Thump thump.

“Do we have to kill someone?” Sirius asked, putting him at ease almost immediately.

James couldn’t help but smile. “I don’t think so.”

He nodded. “Cool, cool. Comforting.”

Thump thump.

The notebook.

Thump thump.

“I wrote a song.”

Sirius looked back up, and just in those couple moments of eye contact he knew exactly what kind of a situation this was. It was always so easy for him to talk to Sirius, James never had to be anything except for who he was, and it was enough for him.

He sat up a little straighter and gestured to James. “Let’s hear it then.”

“Hear it?”

“Yes.”

“I haven’t recorded it.”

“You got your six string?” Sirius asked, looking directly at the acoustic guitar that was in the corner of the hotel room. 

“No,” James lied.

Sirius rolled his eyes and went to pick it up for him, apparently not playing around and actually wanting James to sing for him. He had never been very insecure about his voice, but he knew he wasn’t the best singer, not in the world and not in the band.

Still, he had never played this song for anyone, barely even for himself. He knew the words mostly by heart, but he still dragged himself over to his bag to dig his notebook out, dulling the heartbeat that was flooding his eardrums and driving him to the brink of insanity.

And, after a couple seconds of mindless strumming, James played the song for him from start to finish, his first time ever doing so, in fact.

The simple, sweet melody filled both of their ears, and James kept his playing quiet, not wanting to disturb anybody else in the hotel and also not wanting to be too loud about his feelings. He was not good at being loud about his feelings at all, in fact. It was a bit hypocritical, the way he made Sirius tell him everything, the way he would prod inside Sirius’ brain until it all just exploded.

They met in class for metaphysical philosophy

He tells his friends, "I like her 'cause she's so much smarter than me"

They're having talks about their futures until 4:00 a.m.

And I'm happy for them (and I'm happy for them)

But I wanna feel all that love and emotion

Be that attached to the person I'm holding

Someday, I'll be falling without caution

But for now, I'm only people watching

Sirius didn’t even wait for James to set the guitar down before throwing his arms around him and giving him an awkward hug, the angle not helping them out in the slightest. James didn’t even realize he started crying until he started laughing and could feel the dampness around his eyes.

“Pads, you can let go now,” James told him after a very long moment.

“Oh, right,” Sirius said as though he had forgotten that was actually an option. He loosened his grip and pressed a small kiss to James’ forehead. “The song is beautiful.”

“You think?”

“Yes.” James let out a small sigh of relief. “What do you think?” Sirius asked.

“Me?”

James hadn’t really thought about it. He knew what the song meant to him, he knew what he wrote it about. But he didn’t know what to think about it, or whether it was objectively a good song or not. It was a hard thing to discern, since there was absolutely nothing objective about music. The most talented music theory student could probably create a pleasing sounding song, but that didn’t mean it would feel like anything, that didn’t mean it was a good song.

“Yes. You.”

“Oh. Well. I don’t know what I think,” James said, feeling a bit stupid for it. 

“Use that big brain of yours,” Sirius said, nudging his shoulder.

“I mean… It’s about never having been in love, I guess. And like, wanting to be.”

Sirius smiled, gesturing with his hands for James to keep going. They both knew what the song was about, they both understood the meaning behind the words, but Sirius wanted James to explicitly say it, and James was having a hard time working up to that.

“I think I’m going to say something that might sound a bit absurd,” James said, his brain catching up to him.

“Go right ahead.”

“Okay. Umm, I mean obviously I don’t want to be… heartbroken, I guess. But just like, seeing Mary and seeing Marlene and the way they loved each other, even now that they didn’t work out. Like, they still love each other, and they were in love and I don’t know. Like, I want that. You know? Someone to just… love me. I guess.”

He was terrible at explaining things, using his words in a poetic sense unless it was in lyrics. The meaning was allowed to be muddled with lyrics, it wasn’t supposed to be crystal clear, and that was part of the beauty of it. 

“Well I love you,” Sirius said with a grin.

“You know what I mean.”

He nodded, getting a bit more comfortable and turning his body so that it was completely facing James. “Well, tell me more about this bloke you have a thing for. Do they feel the same?”

James felt a bit guilty for grabbing onto the branch that Sirius handed him. He didn’t very well know he was talking about Regulus, and now was probably not a good time to tell him either. But… Well he really wanted to talk about it. He’d been keeping it inside and that probably wasn’t healthy, especially for something that was so new to him.

“… And, I kind of like when he’s mean to me. Is that weird?” James said, still ranting a little bit. Sirius found it all to be very amusing, and James could tell he was blushing, it was practically making him overheat.

“It’s a bit weird, yeah,” Sirius agreed.

James sighed, laying back on the bed and looking up at the ceiling. “You see, I know that it’s weird, and I don’t even care.” Sirius sat up after a moment, holding his hand out like he wanted James to give him something. “What?”

“Prongs, mate. I love you, but you’re killing me. I need to see what he looks like,” Sirius said, and James realized he wanted him to pull up a photo or his Instagram, anything. James wasn’t even sure if Regulus had Instagram, James was never really on it himself so it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.

James shook his head. “No.”

“No?”

“I can’t show you,” he said slowly, trying to think up a good enough lie. He hated lying to Sirius, he wanted to just tell him.

Sirius blinked over-exaggeratedly, eyes widened in shock. “Can’t or won’t?”

James sighed, the guilt creeping back into him again. This time the tell tale heart was Regulus Black, and James would let Regulus drive him to madness, let him do anything, really. A steady beating in the back of his mind for a week now, something constant and something he was always thinking about. Regulus could take James all the way to the brink of insanity and James would say thank you for the trip. He would be courteous about it, as though Regulus had done him some grand favor. James supposed he had, actually done James a favor. He showed James what it was to want .

Wanting was new. But, oh, James wanted. He couldn’t help it, and the fact that Regulus was avoiding him all day really wasn’t helping matters at all, because it was only making him crave more. It was bad, very bad. 

———

“I’ll be right back,” James said, getting off the couch. Remus was the only one who even acknowledged that he spoke, giving James a small wave as he walked out of the room. They were supposed to be on stage in another hour or so, but there wasn’t much else to do. They had already done the soundcheck and they were just now starting to let people into the venue, so the noise was starting to get louder.

Lion’s Head would be going on within the next half an hour or so, and James sometimes liked to stand in the wings and watch their part of the concert with everyone else.

On the way to the bathroom James noticed that there was an older lady that he had never seen before. When he says ‘older’ he means late forties or early fifties. She was tall, but that was probably only because of the heels she was wearing. Her expression was stone and unmoving, she just seemed generally displeased with her surroundings. Was she lost?

She was walking around like she didn’t know where she was going, but also like she owned the place with her shoulders back and her head held high. It felt a bit haunting, actually.There was something so harsh about her that James couldn’t place. She was at a concert venue, of course things were going to be a little bit dirty. Clearly she didn’t belong here, so how did she get backstage? Usually security was really good with situations like these, there had never been a problem before.

“Can I help you?” he asked her, hoping that maybe she was one of the sweet old people. At the very least he could help her figure out where she was going.

She looked James right in the eye and that was when he placed the familiarity of the woman. He got shivers and goosebumps all over his body as he looked directly into the eyes of Sirius in a different body. It was a bone chilling feeling, to come face to face with the devil. James had never met Walburga Black, but there was not a single doubt in his mind that this was her.

“I’m looking for my son,” she said, and then she kept moving, not even asking James for directions.

James felt a bit frozen in fear, and really he didn’t understand how Sirius and Regulus grew up with her. He also didn’t know where Regulus was, so on the roundabout way back to the green room where Sirius was, he called him.

“We are in the same building, Potter,” Regulus answered. He had declined the first two calls, but James was persistent and just kept calling him back.

“Yeah, I know Reg. But… Umm, I…”

“Get on with it,” Regulus said, interrupting him. Which was good because James probably would have stuttered over his words for ten minutes.

“I think your mother is here.”

There was silence on the other end of the line for almost twenty seconds, but James was still rushing to find Sirius. An ambush from his mother would not be good, in fact James wouldn’t be surprised if they ended up having to cancel this show. Management would hate them, the fans would be pissed, but James wouldn front all of it for Sirius.

“Are you fucking with me?” Regulus asked, his voice quieter now.

“I don’t think so.”

“You don’t think so?” Regulus asked coldly.

James sighed, making another turn and walking as quickly as he possibly could. Everything was so far away here. “Yes. I didn’t ask her name. She just said she’s looking for her son and…”

“Shut up.”

James did, not even sure how or why he listened to quickly, just that Regulus had sounded so serious that James didn’t know what else to do.

“Okay. Fuck. Don’t tell Sirius. Okay? Have you told him?”

James stopped in his tracks, only a couple paces away from the door. “What? Why not?” James asked, focusing only on the first part.

“Why not?” Regulus repeated. “Because, you guys have a show tonight and she isn’t here for him anyway.”

“I don’t want to keep it a secret.”

“Too bad.”

James wanted to pout, wishing that Regulus could see it through the phone. “But…”

“I’m not fucking joking. Do not tell him, James,” Regulus says before the line goes dead.

James was not confident in his lying abilities, and Sirius could tell something was up the very moment he walked back into the room, his eyes narrowed. And he knew, James swore he knew.

It was the tell tale heart all over again, but now it was the beating of a secret that was going to eat him alive. 

***

His mom hasn’t hit them since they were old enough to know how to fight back. That does not mean that the years of physical abuse didn’t take a toll on him. He hasn’t seen his mother in years, and just the sight of her is enough to take Regulus back to all of those negative times. All of the times he got beat for not finishing his dinner, or all of the times he had to pick the lock on Sirius’ door to bring him food, or all of the times Regulus spent shaking in a corner, afraid of what was to come.

Sometimes, the waiting was the worst part. The anticipation made it impossible to think about anything else, and sometimes he would have to spend hours just frozen with fear until their mother came home and saw what happened, or heard about what happened from their father.

Regulus was an adult now, he was sure he was physically stronger than his mother too. That did not make him feel like any less of a child. He was tired of feeling so drained from interactions with her, he was tired of letting her make him feel small.

“You shouldn’t be here,” he told her.

He sought her out, as soon as James called him. She wasn’t here for Sirius, no point in getting him involved. All James had to do was keep his mouth shut. So long as he said nothing to Sirius, then Regulus could get her out within twenty minutes, hopefully, and nobody else would ever have to know she was here.

“Well when I find out my only son is a poof-”

“I’m not your only son,” Regulus interrupted, not even mentioning the fact that Sirius was in fact also very gay. She was either ignoring it or she really didn’t know. Most likely the former.

“You are.”

“I’m not.”

Walburga narrowed her eyes. “You are and you’re coming home with me.”

Regulus took a step forward because he was so tired of always backing down. He didn’t want to do it anymore, it was exhausting and nobody ever won. Nobody except for her, and he refused to let her win this time. Regulus was used to being cruel, he could be mean and he could make somebody cry with a few haphazard words, he’d done it before. He was never able to do that to his parents. Still, he couldn’t.

“I’m an adult. And I’m not your son.”

She took a step forward too, trying to use her height to her advantage. Regulus was not deterred in the slightest, she could tower over him all she wanted, it made absolutely no difference to him.

“You are nothing but a child! We need to fix this.”

“No.”

“No?”

“No.” 

Walburga scoffed, clearly not believing him. 

“We’ll see about that.”

He wanted her to leave, but there was more he needed to say. He clenched his fists so that his hands would stop shaking, knowing just how dangerous it was to appear weak in front of her. “And I’m done sending money.”

She whipped back around at a speed faster than Regulus thought was possible, pushing him back against the wall. Hard. His head hit the concrete, not hard enough to permanently damage him, but hard enough to fucking hurt.

Oh, and how fucking cathartic it would be to just-

“What the fuck is this?”

For the millionth time, probably, James was fucking dead. Really, Regulus was going to murder him in cold blood, and he was going to enjoy it. He was going to savor every second where his breathing slowed and the light drained from his eyes because Regulus fucking told him not to tell Sirius. He told him, and now Sirius knew, and now everything was going to go to shit.

“I’m dealing with it,” Regulus said, not moving his eyes from Walburga. She broke eye contact the moment she heard Sirius’ voice though, and she looked haunted, hearing the son she disowned all those years ago, somebody who she literally counted as dead, even though he was alive and breathing. She faltered and she looked and Sirius was haunting her.

Then, it was gone in an instant. She looked back to Regulus like Sirius wasn’t even there.

“Vraiment?” Sirius said, switching to French. Walburga didn’t speak French, it was a language that came from their dad's side that he insisted they learned. They used it to communicate when they were kids, before that got them in so much trouble that Sirius could barely walk on his left leg for a month.

“Regulus,” Walbruga said, her voice a threat. He was still staring at her, not an emotion in his eyes. He didn’t care that this was the first time he had seen her in years, he didn’t care if there was still some small part of him that loved his parents, he did not care.

He was out for blood.

He moved in closer again. “The checks are done. The financial support is done. Me being your son? All of it is fucking done, do you understand me?”

“Your father is dying and you’re just going to-”

“Yes,” he interrupted. “He can die for all I fucking care,” Regulus lied. He would care, he knew he would care and he was not at all prepared for what he knew would inevitably hurt but that was a problem for a later date. Orion had been slowly inching toward death for years, Regulus was at peace with that already, so he knew it was coming. But death was different, it was something final. 

“After all that we’ve done for you!”

“Fuck off,” Sirius said, joining their conversation all of the sudden.

Walburga regarded him for a moment, distaste evident on her face. Sirius was wearing eyeliner, he was wearing tight clothes and makeup and he hadn’t cut his hair in ages. It wouldn’t have been a surprise if she didn’t recognize him.

“This is a family matter.”

Sirius did not waver, he had come to peace (sort of) with Walburga’s hatred a long time ago. She no longer had an effect on him like she did on Regulus. He was close to crumbling, to snapping and breaking and withering away like he always did, because he was never brave like Sirius.

“Regulus is my family,” he told her, a proud look on his face, although it was buried under the complete nonchalance he had for Walbruga.

“He’s not. Not since you chose that Potter scum-”

Sirius got very close to Walburga then, his eyes harsher than even Regulus had ever seen them be. His fists were clenched because he was ready for a fight, not because he was scared. Walburga was the one who was scared now, backing up a few steps and going from trying to play offense to strictly defense. She was afraid of her own son who she pretended was dead.

Her ghosts were coming back to haunt her, the buried was resurrecting itself and she knew she was going to lose.

“So help me, Walburga,” Sirius said, his voice dangerously low and dangerously calm, “you say even one more thing about the Potter’s, I will fucking kill you. I’m not joking.”

He was not joking. Regulus knew when Sirius was angry, he was never subtle about it and he told you right then and there, he would blow up so loud that the neighboring city felt his wrath. Now though, Sirius was beyond angry, he was a new emotion that had just been invented for him, an emotion so lethal and so deadly that it was made out of knives and bullets, it was made for violence.

Walburga cleared her throat and wisely did not say anything else about James and his parents.

“S’en aller, Sirius.”

“No.”

Walbruga was still backing up, and she took a long look at her two sons who were standing next to each other, both of them ready for whatever she was going to throw at them.

“You are an embarrassment to the Black name,” she said to Regulus only. She was back to acting like Sirius wasn’t there.

Regulus blinked once, twice, and then looked at her like she was stupid. “I’m the wealthiest Black,” he reminded her, always reminding her that she was poor now. Not even poor, just lower middle class, and she couldn’t handle it.

It was true, too. He technically had more money than Sirius, although he supposed he didn’t have a job at the moment, but he was sure he would find something.

Walburga straightened her back, she lifted her chin, and Regulus knew she was preparing for her final statement before she left. Whatever it was, it wouldn’t matter. He was dead set in his opinions now, he wasn’t backing down, and Sirius would be there. Which… it was new, having Sirius to support him, to be his brother again in a hopefully much healthier way.

Her eyes met his, and Regulus felt nothing, and it was a good thing.

“Orion is dead.”

Regulus felt nothing, it was not a good thing.

“Has been for some time now.”

Regulus was breaking, he felt it. He could feel the ground underneath his feet sway and he knew he was going to collapse, because that was what she wanted. 

The final huff and puff of the big bad wolf would send his entire infrastructure down.

“Regulus Arcturus Black, you are a disgrace to the family name and nothing but a disappointment. You are dead to me.”

And his house that was made of nothing but straw, the house he had built himself and had hoped would shield him from the harsh reality of life, just came crumbling down to nothing, leaving Regulus bare and exposed and cold.