Interviews
James felt guilty. Oh, he felt so guilty about so many things and he did not know what to do about any of them.
Somebody had to tell them, and with their frontman unavailable… it fell onto James’ shoulders. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t cancel on thousands of people who were all on their way inside and expecting the show of their lives, the kinds of shows that The Marauders were famous for putting on. But it was better if it was him and not a stranger who wouldn’t connect with them.
It was all his fault too, he knew that. He was the one who told Sirius that his mother was here. He knew it would mean canceling the show, or postponing it or whatever their management would clean it up as. They had no choice, they couldn’t perform without Sirius, and even if they could they wouldn’t want to. They wouldn’t be a complete unit up there without one of their own.
“I can do it, if you want,” their stage manager said, watching as James nervously bit on his fingernails. It was a force of habit from when he was younger, something he hardly ever did anymore.
James hated disappointing people, he could probably go far enough to say that it was his biggest fear. He wanted people to think highly of him, to think of him as someone who was dependable and trustworthy and somebody who simply would not let them down. The idea of telling a crowd of people that there wasn’t a show anymore was terrifying. Not because there were a lot of people or because he had any sort of fear about speaking in front of people, but because they were all here for a reason. They were all here to see them, and James was about to take that opportunity away.
The guilt complex was really eating away at him.
He tried to think about it rationally.
He did not regret telling Sirius about his mother. He had needed to do that, no matter what Regulus said, although he was sure to hate him even more now which was not helping James’ anxieties in the slightest. And, James knew they were just people, and sometimes things happened and plans fell through and they couldn’t always be music machines, because they weren’t machines.
James knew all of this, and he still felt terrible. But, it was his burden to shoulder alone.
“No, thank you. I can do it,” James told the stagehand.
People were still filing in, but at least the stadium wasn’t packed full yet, at least the announcement was about to be made on social media because Mary was in charge of that and she would make sure it was done swiftly.
With one last shaky breath, James walked onto the stage alone for the first time, solely a microphone in his hand.
The crowd started cheering at first, when they saw it was him, but James’ face was too somber for it to last very long.
Quick and sweet.
That’s what Mary told him in the quick three minute phone call. Mary was prepared for anything truly a force to be reckoned with, and she knew exactly what to do in a situation like this. James needed to keep his announcement quick and sweet and simple. That was the most important part, keep it simple. He shouldn’t delve too deeply into the details at all, keeping everything as aloof as possible.
James tended to be a bit of a chatterbox when he was nervous, so he was praying that everything would just go well.
They quieted down, even more so when James gestured for them to do so. Oh, his hands were shaking. Fuck.
“Hi, everyone,” James said, eyes flicking all over the venue. It was weird seeing it in the light with all of the people, it was generally one or the other, never both. “Umm, I wanted to thank you all for coming here tonight, but unfortunately we have to cancel the show.”
There was a general uproar, one that broke James’ heart because he understood, he did. They had never canceled a show before, ever.
“I’m very sorry, you should all receive a full refund as well. Thank you, have a good night.”
James hated every second of that, but Remus and Peter were waiting for him when he got off stage, and they were looking at him very compassionately. They knew that it was probably hard for him, and they knew why it could have only been James. With Sirius gone, he was the voice of the band, they wouldn’t have even let Peter or Remus be the one to say it.
Peter threw an arm around his shoulder, probably stretching it uncomfortably at an odd angle just because James was five inches taller. Still, James appreciated it.
They waited for Sirius. They sobered up almost immediately, or well James did after seeing Walburga and the other’s did once they knew what was happening. They could hear the people leaving, the general sadness and disappointment that followed everyone around. They were allowed to be disappointed, they didn’t know what was going on with Sirius, they didn’t understand why the show was canceled, so James couldn’t fault them for that.
When Sirius did come back, almost two hours later, he looked so defeated.
James stood up immediately and let him fall into his arms. He had half a mind to send Remus and Peter out of the room and give Sirius space to cry if he needed it, but he seemed content to accept a James Potter hug, his muscles untensing as soon as James wrapped his arms around him.
Remus and Peter joined the hug, and then all three of them were surrounding Sirius, trying to bring him comfort and support in the best way they knew how, by just being there.
“Pads?” James asked when Sirius stepped back. His face was still tight but he didn’t look like he wanted to cry, he just seemed exhausted.
“It’s bad,” Sirius told them quietly. “I have to leave for a couple of days.”
James nodded immediately. Whatever Sirius needed came first, it came before the tour or the music or the money. “Okay, that’s fine.”
“Prongs,” Sirius said, looking at him a bit exasperatedly.
“What?”
“Look, it’s good we don’t have any shows anyway. But… there’s appearances and interviews and such that you’re gonna have to do without me.”
James hadn’t even thought about that. They always did everything together, the four of them. Plus, this weekend there was an award show they were supposed to attend, one where they were nominated in three different categories. Sirius couldn’t miss that.
“We’ll handle it,” Remus said after James failed to speak up.
Sirius stared at him for a long moment, and James very suddenly felt like he was intruding. Thankfully, Sirius solved that problem for all of them when he said, “I need to talk to Moony for a moment.”
James and Peter left the room quickly, sharing knowing looks with each other. Peter gave Remus a small thumbs up before James swatted him on the back of the head, making sure to shut the door, just in case. James will probably never know what they did in there, or what they talked about, just that by the time the door reopened the both of them were blushing so hard and avoiding each other’s eyes, but this time in a cute way.
———
The first interview without Sirius there was weird.
Very weird.
It was supposed to be pretty relaxed, mostly about the tour and them teasing new music. Remus was also supposed to start teasing his ‘relationship’ with Ava Sunder, which he was less than enthusiastic about. They all were, actually, but PR relationships were apparently a part of the contract they had signed. Sirius had read the fine print for them, but they never really thought that this part of it would be real.
Of course, they should have known better, but they were young and excited.
“You seem to be noticeably absent of your frontman, Sirius Black,” the interviewer commented. For the life of him, James could not remember her name. He always tried to be sure that he did, not wanting to be rude and also genuinely caring about the person. But his mind was jumping around so much that he could not have even picked it out of a list. “Is he feeling alright?”
They were all very well prepared for this question. They were not to mention anything about Sirius’ family issues, mainly because Sirius didn’t want them to and because it would only cause more confusion. As far as the public knew, Sirius was ostracized from his family and never spoke to them, except for Regulus, really. So mentioning that he was in fact dealing with family issues would lead to even more questions.
James was being very careful to not kick his feet or swivel around in the chair. It was high off the ground and could go a full 360 degrees, but that wouldn’t look good, so he fiddled with his fingers for a moment instead before realizing he couldn’t do that either. It was hard to expel nervous energy when he wasn’t allowed to do anything that made him appear nervous.
“He’s not feeling too great today,” James said. “He’s sorry he couldn’t be here.” He said it as though he had rehearsed it a thousand times, and it felt like he had. James was not a good liar, so he really did need a script on what to say.
The interviewer smiled sympathetically, nodding her head a little bit. “Well, we just hope he takes care of himself and feels better soon.”
“Yeah, us too,” Peter said, complete sincerity in his tone. Sirius hadn’t really spoken to them much at all. He didn’t give them any details, saying he didn’t really have time to do so and then just hopping on a plane with Regulus. They were all a bit worried, only getting the infrequent text messages that said the most borderline basic things that Sirius could think of.
I’m fine
Doing good
Don’t worry, will be back soon
It was slightly infuriating, particularly for Remus, apparently. Whatever happened in the room must have been big because Remus was very on edge with everything surrounding Sirius. His ears seemed to perk up every time he was mentioned, and they would tint pink, probably with the memory of whatever happened. He was being tight lipped about it, James was going crazy. He couldn’t ask Sirius, not while he was on another continent and not when he was very obviously going through something. And Remus would never tell him, too secretive about the good things and keeping them all to himself.
The interview kept going after that, and they talked about how exciting it was to be on tour, and how cool of an experience it was and how grateful they were for the fans. And then…
“Of course, the fans are just dying to know if you have your eyes on any special ladies?” the interviewer asked (James still did not know her name and he hated it).
Peter and James took a long look at Remus, because they were supposed to, and then they looked away and pretended to hide smiles and share a small look, because they were supposed to.
“There’s nobody for me,” James said, lying through his teeth when he thought about Regulus the moment she asked the question.
“Me either,” Peter said, also lying because he was getting around, and James meant that in the most loving way possible.
Remus stayed mysteriously silent, and he was hiding his eyes and acting very nervous because he was a damn good actor and he knew what he was supposed to do. They were all getting drunk tonight to make up for this, to make up for the fact that they had to lie and hide who they were. They could look as flamboyant as they wanted on stage, they could share a microphone and get so close their lips were touching, but they could never confirm the rumors. They were not allowed to say that they were gay, and they were not allowed to openly date men.
“Remus?” the interviewer asked, a large smile on her face because this was her story. ‘Remus Lupin and the mystery of who has captured his heart’.
They could never know it was their very own Sirius Black.
He looked up, a tiny smile on his face that only Peter and James and Sirius would ever know was fake. To everyone else, Remus was absolutely smitten by someone. He shrugged, “There might be someone,” he said, playing into the aloof stereotype he was given. He was the cool and detached one, the bass player that was a mystery to everyone, a puzzle that they all wanted to work out.
The interviewer looked delighted by this information and proceeded to spend the next couple of minutes trying to fish any more information out of him, and all that he gave away was that she was an actress. They had a ‘date’ planned tomorrow anyway, one that was very public where they were sure to be photographed.
“And no such luck with love for you two?” the interviewer asked them again. James did his best to not be annoyed with her, not when she was just doing her job. It was incredibly invasive, but the fans being curious about them was part of what gave them all of these opportunities.
James flashed her his most award winning smile. “We can’t all be lady killers like Remus Lupin,” he said teasingly. It was good if they were able to establish their friendship more in interviews, not that it was ever really called into question, but they loved it when they teased each other.
The interviewer laughed, and James knew he had done a good job. It made him feel empty inside, hollow, knowing that he was playing into it. Selfishly, he wished Sirius were there. James loved Remus and Peter the same, and he would have felt the same way if either of them would have just left during a week almost completely full of press. But Sirius had this easy way of charming people, they were captivated by him no matter what, and he was so much more genuine. His personality was perfect for this, and he got to be more of himself than anyone else. Of course, he also had to repress a lot of himself in return, so there was no winner, but Sirius just made things easier for all of them.
***
He wanted to tell Sirius that he was fine. That he didn’t need him to stay with him or to help him or to visit gravesites with him. He wanted to tell him to go back to his job because Regulus knew that he had a job to do. But he didn’t say any of that because he was selfish and wanted his brother to go with him.
Things sort of exploded after Walburga left. Sirius punched a hole in the wall, which he quickly regretted because of the fact that it hurt, no doubt. Regulus shut down pretty badly, he was pretty sure his brain actually stopped functioning for a couple of hours because he can not remember a single thing that happened.
His mom came, announced that his father was dead, and then he was on a plane. He had no memories of the details of the in-between, he barely remembered why Sirius was with him, because he specifically remembered wanting to deal with Walburga alone. Of course that was when the memory of James being an absolute dumbass resurfaced, which only added to all of the anger he was feeling.
Orion was dead.
He was afraid to find out for how long. His mother had been keeping it a secret, either because she really was the devil or because she wanted Regulus to keep sending her money. Truthfully it was probably both. He could fix this issue quite easily and just fucking look it up, but he hated the articles that came up whenever you looked up their names, and no doubt it would be full of articles about how terrible they all were. It was…fair. The Black family was more than slightly fucked up, and they had their fair share of scandals that Regulus did not need to be reminded of, seeing as he was there for all of them.
There was Narcissa’s scandal, which had literally been blown way out of proportion because the wrong person overheard the wrong conversation. Regulus was not the only family member who was outed in a very public manner.
In the wake of her divorce with Lucius, everyone was looking for the reason why, and they found it. To this day, Regulus has never read a single one of those articles. He doesn’t know who the woman was, he doesn’t know the details of it, or what Lucius was ‘feeling’. Regulus had never liked him and also did not give a single fuck about his feelings.
There was Andromeda’s scandal, when she started dating a trans man. This was the catalyst for her being exiled from the family as well, and she was Regulus’ favorite cousin, even if she always liked Sirius better.
He simply did not want to be reminded of it. So, he didn’t look up the date of his fathers death because it could only lead to more pain.
Sirius was not in any pain, which Regulus thought was a bit unfair. Another selfish thought, for him to want this to have hit Sirius as hard as it hit him. He didn’t want to be alone in his grief, especially when he didn’t understand why he was feeling it.
Orion was a horrible person, he had done horrible things to people in his lifetime and nobody ever had a good word to say about him. He was only friends with people he thought would be useful, and he exploited every single person he had ever met, in one way or another. He was an abusive husband, an abusive father, and was probably not faithful to Walburga for more than a year into their marriage. Regulus had memories of watching his father’s mistresses leave the house from the back, where his window faced. It was at least six times a month, likely much more frequent. It's just that he was not always looking out the window, sometimes he slept.
With all of that said, he still did not want him to be dead. He deserved every nasty thing that came to him, including death. The only regrets Regulus had concerning his father was that he did not get the chance to make his life worse before it ended. And that he had not said goodbye.
He couldn’t remember the last conversation he had with his father, and didn’t that make him a terrible son? One day Regulus just stopped talking to them, and they stopped reaching out once they realized the money would still be sent at regular intervals. So, there was never some final goodbye, or some grand argument that drove him out like it did Sirius. Their last conversation was probably mundane.
“Pass the jam.” or “Did Kreacher pick up the dry cleaning?”
Whatever it was, Regulus couldn’t remember, and it was driving him mad. He didn’t know what day it had been, or if it was in person or over the phone or if it had any significance to it at all. The last thing he said to his father should be something that was important, or memorable, or anything other than simple and forgettable. Which would be worse, to never know their last words or to know and be burdened with the insignificance of them?
Regulus did not know.
The Black family cemetery was absurd. It was excessive and far too extravagant for a fucking cemetery. The fact that they had their own cemetery was ridiculous, and there was still more than just that. Every single Black that was not exiled from the family was buried there. It was private and secluded and it was very easy to tell who the favorites of the family were based on the size of the tombstone.
Orion’s was tiny. They couldn’t afford anything else, and nobody liked Orion all that much, not after he brought such shame to their family by getting caught. It wasn’t the crime itself, plenty of them had done much worse than fraud and embezzlement, no they were embarrassed that he was found out for it.
Still, Regulus wasn’t exactly focused on the size of his tombstone.
“Fucking January?!” he said, the urge to kick it was suddenly very strong. Was it disrespectful if he deserved it? “He died in fucking January? That was almost nine fucking months ago!”
Sirius stood by, just watching Regulus throw his tantrum and choosing to not get involved. He had to be involved though, Regulus was demanding it since Sirius demanded he come with.
He grabbed the diet coke Sirius was sipping on and it poured it directly on top of his grave, hoping it seeped through the grass and through the metaphorical coffin (because of course he was fucking cremated) and rotted him from the outside in.
“I was drinking that,” Sirius said, staring at the puddle on the ground with a wistful expression, missing his diet coke more than he was missing Orion.
“I don’t care. I’m angry.”
“No, you’re not.”
Regulus’ eyes snapped up, leveling them with Sirius’. They were almost the same height, although Regulus was half an inch taller and he reminded Sirius of it every chance he got. But right now they were not that equal, there was a great imbalance of power that made Regulus feel very out of his depth, and he knew Sirius was probably going to say something that he wouldn’t like, and then they would fight, and then hopefully they could get drunk.
“Yes, clearly I am.”
Sirius shook his head. “I’ve seen you angry. This isn’t anger.”
“What do you suppose it is then?”
“It’s a mirror of anger.”
Regulus could not believe he ever thought that he felt anything except for hatred for Sirius. Really, all he knew how to do was speak in broken sentences and code that Regulus did not care to decipher. Not when he was angry- Or, apparently he wasn’t even angry! Because Sirius definitely knew his emotions better than Regulus did. Definitely.
“It’s just anger.”
“My anger.”
“You are literally being so fucking ridiculous right now, what are you talking about?”
Sirius didn’t even look smug, which almost made Regulus feel bad for being so harsh with him. “Reg, you’re acting like me when I’m angry.”
No, he was not. Regulus would never try to be like Sirius, never in a million years. Just because he was suddenly dispelling his emotions in a louder and more obvious way did not mean he was mirroring his anger.
Okay, maybe he was.
“Why would I do that?”
“Because you want to be angry.”
“I am angry.”
“You’re sad.”
“Oh, fuck off,” Regulus said, pulling a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. He might have stolen them from Barty, but he would forgive him, his father just died, too, so he got a bit of a pass in all regards.
He wasn’t sad. He refused to feel sad about someone he despised.
“It’s okay to be. Just because I’m not-”
“And why aren’t you?” Regulus interrupted. “He’s dead, Sirius. He’s never coming back, we’ll never see him or talk to him or breathe the same air as him ever again, and you don’t feel anything?” he asked, feeling the way his throat constricted and hating himself for it.
Fuck Sirius and fuck Orion and fuck everyone in his fucking family.
Regulus was sad.
“He’s been dead to me for a long time,” was Sirius’ response. His words were cold, wrapping around Regulus like a sheet of ice in the warmth of early September.
“How can you say that?”
“Because, Reg! They disowned me, and trust me when I say that I am dead to them, and I have been since that night.”
Regulus wouldn’t accept that. He saw the look on their mother’s face when she saw Sirius. It was haunted and it was emotional and it was obvious that Sirius was never dead to her. He was her son, they were both her son’s. They couldn’t just- They couldn’t decide that they didn’t exist anymore, that’s not how it worked.
“That’s not true.”
“It is.”
“No.”
“Regulus-”
“It’s not fucking true, Sirius. Okay? You’re their son, I’m their son. They can’t feel that little for us that they decide we’re dead. They just can’t!”
Sirius’ face softened and Regulus hated the pity. He did not need to be pitied, he was an adult, he could deal with things on his own, he always had.
“It’s true for me. You were always different for them, they loved you, they never loved me.”
Regulus shook his head, refusing to accept it. They were their parents. They had literally raised them, taken care of them as babies and kept them fed (mostly) and clothes and sent them to good schools where they got good educations and they hadn’t done all of that for no reason.
“They had to. They… they took care of us,” Regulus said, his voice much quieter than it had been. Was he even believing the things he was saying?
“I took care of you. Ever since I was old enough to know how to. At six years old I was the one getting you ready for school, making sure you were up with enough time to eat breakfast and that we were out the door on time. They didn’t do shit for us, Regulus.”
The thing was, Regulus knew that. He knew all that Sirius did for him, he knew how he would not have survived even a moment in that house without Sirius. Or at least, that was what he thought until Sirius left and he had no choice. But still, he was aware of it all.
It just hurt.
“You’re allowed to be sad that Orion is dead, but do not make me into a villain for saying good fucking riddance.”
It started to rain, just a light sprinkling that wasn’t even terribly bothersome.
Regulus knew that Sirius was right, but he couldn’t just accept it like that. His father was dead, his body had been burned to ashes that were probably on top of the mantle because Walburga would respect the dead, even if it was her cheating husband.
He sat down on the grass, directly in front of the tombstone but taking care to avoid the diet coke. He pulled his legs up, wrapping his arms around them and resting his head on his knees as he just looked at it. It was gray and unspectacular and there was literally nothing special about it, and Regulus felt tears begin to prick at his eyes, threatening to escape.
Regulus hated crying. In the past five years Regulus could count on one hand the amount of times he’s cried, that’s how infrequent it was. He hated the way it made it harder to breathe, when he would have to gasp for breath over and over because he was too busy crying for his body to remember to do so on his own. He hated that it made everything blurry and the way it made his nose stuffy and his face red. He hated how human it made him feel, because crying was the most human thing they did. A release of feelings falling in the form of water from the eyes was the greatest representation of humanity.
Regulus hated it because when he cried, he made sure he did it for real. It was never a couple of tears slipping down his cheeks, it was never quiet and controlled like everything else he did, and perhaps that was why he hated it most. It was messy and loud and so sporadic that he would go from drying his eyes to full blown sobbing in three seconds. It racked his whole body, centralizing in his torso and making his shoulders shake and it made him want to throw up with how violently it moved him.
Regulus cried with the rain, he cried more when the rain hit him harder, and he cried more when Sirius sat down next to him, careful not to touch but proving he was there. He didn’t care about Orion in the slightest, but he cared about Regulus and that made him cry even harder.
He hated it.
***
“Has he spoken to you?”
James looked up, blinking in confusion to see Remus standing in front of him. They had the rest of the day as downtime, and he was trying to write the guitar parts more clearly for the song, hoping that he would actually get something done.
“Moony?”
Remus rolled his eyes, sitting down next to him and grabbing the notebook from James’ hands, shutting it a bit too violently for how small of an action it was. That was what made James notice that he was anxious, or if not anxious then that something was wrong. Remus generally did a very good job internalizing his feelings, it was impossible to know what was going on with him, but he had his tells just like everyone else.
“Has he spoken to you?” Remus repeated. “Because he won’t talk to me and I feel like I’m going a bit crazy but like I’m worried and I don’t know how to not be worried if he won’t fucking answer me.”
He should have known it was about Sirius, because James was feeling similarly. Sirius was barely answering anybody, although he had texted James an hour or so ago to let him know that he was absolutely fucking plastered and that James should call him in a couple of hours to make sure he doesn’t choke on his own vomit.
“No, he hasn’t really talked to me either.”
This was very clearly not what Remus had wanted to hear, in fact he looked like he wanted to rip his hair out, which would actually be a very healthy reaction as opposed to what he normally does, which is internalize everything.
“I’m worried.”
“I know.”
“It’s different.”
“I know.”
Remus sighed, and James rested his head on Remus’ shoulder. After years of being friends James finally learned what kinds of physical touch Remus liked/tolerated and which ones he absolutely hated. Remus hated hugs unless he was the one to initiate it, and he never wanted you to touch his face, which James learned the hard way when Remus slapped him for it. He liked the more subtle things, a head on a shoulder, a hand ruffling his hair (but only for a second or he would stop liking it).
“He’s getting drunk with Regulus,” James informed him, divulging literally the only information he had.
“Oh,” he said softly. “Any new developments with that?”
James smiled despite himself, laughing a little bit. “No, uh, not exactly.”
“No?”
“Well, I kind of told him I wouldn’t do something and then I did it, so he’s probably pretty upset with me.”
Remus shook his head in amusement. “Prongs, you’re such an idiot sometimes.”
“Yeah. You are too though, to be fair.”
“Me?”
“Yes,” James said with a laugh. “I mean Sirius Black? He’s the most stubborn man I’ve ever met.”
Remus sighed, resting his head on James’ head like he couldn’t be bothered to hold it up anymore. James loved when people reciprocated his touch, especially Remus just because of how rare it was. “I only have myself to blame.”
They sat in silence for a couple of minutes, and James started getting dangerously close to falling asleep. Remus was so comforting to be around sometimes, he just felt like a giant hug or a piece of chocolate when you’re sad.
“I’m kind of glad he’s not going to be at the award show,” Remus admitted quietly.
James tried not to overreact before Remus got a chance to explain himself, but it was hard when he said things like that about his best friend. Still, James gave himself a lot of credit for not saying something he would regret.
“What’s that mean, Moony?”
“Prongs, I really like him.”
“Like?” James asked, knowing it went deeper than that for both of them, since they were younger it’s been more than that, even when they weren’t aware of it.
“I can’t say it.”
“Why not?”
“Fear.”
“Okay, in your own time, Moony. He’ll still be there,” James assured him. Sirius has been waiting for Remus since he knew what it meant.
“I don’t want him to have to see me with Ava.”
And… Well, James understood that. Remus was going to have to orchestrate this whole relationship and make people really believe in their love, and that wasn’t going to be easy when all he had ever wanted was Sirius. And Sirius already said he wasn’t going to make it easy. Explicitly. He was a jealous person and he was open about it. He might not be open about it to the public because he literally was not allowed to, but tensions were going to be high for the next couple of months, there was no doubt.
Eventually, Remus started helping him write the music for the bass, coming up with a relatively simple bass line for this song since the main focus would likely be the lyrics anyway, it was more of a ballad which made the musical elements less important.
Peter had woken up from a four hour long nap and the sun was already setting. Their schedules were all messed up since they had literally no structure to them at the moment. They didn’t have any shows to play for a couple of days, all they had were appearances and interviews and that was it. They were used to sleeping where they could, when they could, which meant comfortable hotel beds in the middle of the day.
James called his parents too, checking in on them. There wasn’t a lot for them to report, just that their neighbor was apparently pregnant now. So, there was that.
Whenever he spoke to them he made sure to only include the highlights. He didn’t complain about the sleep schedule or the work load or the drama, none of it. He told them how cool it was to be close to the beach for so long and how nice the weather was and the adrenaline of being on stage.
But, well his parents were interested about all of them, not just James, and if he was directly asked about something, he was not good at lying about it.
“And, how’s Sirius doing? Is his brother still there?” she asked, words completely innocent. They made James freeze up a little bit though, because the answer to both was complicated. James really had no idea how Sirius was doing because he wouldn’t tell anybody, and Regulus left the tour probably for good, although he never said goodbye, and James had been counting on that. “James?”
“Umm, they both left,” James said slowly. He knew it was the worst possible way to word it, but there was so much to explain and he didn’t know where to start.
“Both of them?”
“Yes?”
“James? What happened?”
“Their mum showed up, and well… I don’t know the details. But, I think they’re in London.”
“You think?” she asked, going straight to protective mode.
“He won’t tell me anything!” James defended.
Effie made a tsking sound in disappointment. “I will give him a call.”
“What?”
“What?”
“Why are you calling him?” James asked, genuinely confused.
“Well, I call him at least once a week.”
“You do?”
“Yes. He’s my son just as you are,” she said. She had been saying it for years, James and Sirius truly were brothers in practically every sense and Effie treated them both as her sons. He knew that Sirius appreciated it a lot more than he let on, especially if he wasn’t telling James about the phone calls. James was suddenly very glad that it was happening, not even minding much that he hadn’t known about it.
“No, I know that. Sorry.”
He ended up telling Effie a lot more than he planned, she had a way of just easily prompting the information out of James, and while he kept out as much of the negative as he could, there were some things that he had been needing to let out for a long time. She just listened and offered advice, but she never told him what to do, saying that some things he needed to figure out for himself. Sometimes, his mom let him be far too independent.
How was James supposed to figure out love by himself?
———
The second interview without Sirius was worse, somehow.
They were standing and it was only supposed to last a couple of minutes, but they were all full of energy after long naps, especially Peter. He seemed to have had four shots of espresso or something because he was bouncing. Literally. He kept laughing after every single question or answer, even if there was no humor behind it at all, and that would make James laugh, which would of course make Remus laugh.
All rules of interview etiquette and media training seemed to just leave them completely because Sean, the man doing their interview, was just so funny. Genuinely. James wanted to be his friend so that they could laugh in a setting that wasn’t so public.
“Is there any new music in the works?” Sean asked, causing all three of them to erupt into a fit of giggles again. See! He’s funny.
It also could have had something to do with the fact that Remus suggested they all get high, and that was exactly what they did. Oh, Mary was going to absolutely murder them for this, but it was the most fun any of them had in an interview in ages, and really it would be worth it in the end.
“There always is!” Peter told him happily. He always got really enthusiastic whenever they got to actually talk about music, their whole job, their whole passion.
Sean smiled. “Yeah? Is there any more information you can give us about that?”
Peter nodded. “Oh, for sure. James just wrote this song! It’s so good, kind of sad but in a good way. And he and Remus wrote this, like, cute, sappy little love song,” Peter said with a fake gag.
James beamed at him, blowing him a kiss. Peter caught it and then proceeded to throw it behind his shoulder, discarding James’ very good kiss.
“A love song?” Sean asked, the question mostly directed at Remus since everybody had heard by now. “Would it happen to be dedicated to one Ava Sunder?” he asked innocently.
Remus smiled, and it was easy to forget he was acting with how easily it came to him. “No, it’s for Sirius Black.”
James froze and he saw Peter do the same thing, both of them sobering up immediately. Oh fuck. Oh fucking fuck this was very very bad. James’ mind was reeling trying to think of anything that would cover this up, literally anything.
Remus seemed to realize what he had said from the shock on Sean’s face, really and truly his mouth had dropped open, making him look like a blubber fish as he struggled.
“I’m only joking, of course,” Remus said, his voice teasing again as he winked at Sean. “It’s for someone who has become very special to me recently.”
He was twisting it so it seemed like he was playing off the fact that it was for Ava, which probably would work but James couldn’t see past his own fear because he knew what was true and what wasn’t. Sean seemed to believe the fact that Remus was telling a joke, but James’ heart was still beating a mile a minute. Why had Remus done that? Was it an accident? He recovered quickly, but he always did that, which told James absolutely nothing. He wouldn’t cause a problem like that intentionally, not when Remus and Sirius already got enough shit every time they even fucking looked at each other on stage.
James was barely even there for the rest of the interview, and he decided then and there that he was far too high to deal with it. Peter, lovely Peter, got a hold of himself much quicker than James and he kept cracking easy jokes, adding onto the one Remus told. Except, well Remus’ wasn’t a joke at all.
The very moment the door to the car shut, Remus’ phone was going off with a call from Mary. He was being far too calm for what he just did, really and truly James thought he was going to hyperventilate. He hated how careful they had to be about stuff like that, but they did, it was part of their contract.
“Hello?” he answered, putting the phone up to his ear.
Mary seemed to talk for a while, and Remus was barely listening, picking at his nails and looking out the window.
James’ phone started going off with about a million texts at once, and he already knew who they were going to be from without checking. The man of the hour, the one they hadn’t heard from for almost two entire days, Sirius Black himself.
Sirius
what the fuck did lupin do
james?
jamessss?
prongs?
James
lupin?
Sirius
it’s what i call him when i am upset
and i feel like i should be upset
i just got like a billion emails
James
he’s kind of an idiot
and we’re all really high right now
Sirius
ffs
i leave you guys alone for a couple of days
James
was it not you who got so drunk you hung up the phone with me because you said you needed to call me
Sirius
i actually do not remember
did i do that?
James
you did
Sirius
sooo
what’d he do
James
he said he wrote a love song for you
Sirius
ahh
so i was justified in calling him lupin
i’m going to murder him
now they’re gonna give me a fucking pr relationship
James
probably mate
i don’t know
i think he played it off
but i can’t tell
Sirius
I can’t believe you’re on drugs and I’m missing it
James
luv you babe xx
Faintly, James could hear Mary yelling through the phone. They were all going to see her in a couple of days for the award show, but this meant she would not be in a very good mood for it. They had only made her job harder, and they all adore Mary, so they never really try to do that.
Remus was still as casual as ever, explaining that he knew what he was doing and that people loved sexually ambiguous people these days. It was true, and it was part of their whole brand, actually. But, well the fans had a ship name for Remus and Sirius, Wolfstar, and these were people that hardcore believed they were dating, and this would only fuel that. Of course, they ended up being right about all of it, but they were simply not allowed to confirm it.
Sirius wasn’t joking about likely having to be in a PR relationship too, at least until this blows over. Or he’ll at least need to be seen and photographed with women, leaving hotel rooms or going into clubs, doing things that implied something else until everyone was convinced he liked women again. It was all a bit fucked up.
And it meant Ava was going to end up being a lot closer to them for a longer amount of time.
***
Euphemia Potter was far too nice. Something had to be going on behind the scenes or she must have some interior motives. Regulus knew his mother was evil, he just didn’t know that other people’s mothers were this kind. She didn’t even mention how hungover both he and Sirius looked.
After his breakdown yesterday at the cemetery, they went to a bar and got drunk, and then they went to a hotel and drank everything they found in the mini fridge and proceeded to get even more drunk. It was therapeutic, and they yelled at each other a bit more and they both cried and it was all generally a big disaster but it helped them work through some things.
Neither of them were planning on moving at all that day, and they slept in until almost 2 in the afternoon. It was Sirius’ phone ringing with a call that woke them both up, and it ended up being no other than Mrs. Potter.
She invited them over to her house.
And she was lovely. Regulus was charmed by her so quickly that it even surprised him. Sirius called her mum and Regulus had to act like that fact wasn’t surprising, but on the inside he was a bit envious. Really? This is what you ran away to? You got to have this and you left me there? Of course, he didn’t say any of that and instead introduced himself to Mrs. Potter and she kept insisting he call her Effie (or mum, but he really could not do that).
They went over in the early evening, and Sirius told him they were going to be having dinner there. Regulus protested it almost immediately, he wanted nothing to do with the Potter’s and he was content to just stay at the hotel and order room service. He was in no state to even deal with meeting people and he was pretty sure he was still a little bit drunk from the night before. But Sirius had threatened him and Regulus was too tired to fight back, and now they were there.
As a general statement, the Potter’s were well off. Their house was large, but it still felt like a home. There were pictures of the three of them that lined the staircases, and there were multiple that included Sirius in them too. Art covered the walls, some of it was clearly homemade by James. It was easy to tell which ones were his because he insisted upon signing his name in big, bold letters in the bottom right of each canvas. Some were done by Sirius, and his were a bit more subtle because they were actually good. Regulus was always shit at physical art like that, painting and drawing. The house had lots of little knick knacks all over it as well, an overabundance of them that made Regulus think they might have been hoarders.
And the worst part of all, the house was warm. Each room they went in was more comforting than the last, and the kitchen was suffocating him in such a pleasant way. It smelled like pastries, and it was clear that somebody had baked something that day.
Mr. Potter was outside on the patio cooking burgers on the grill, but he came inside for a moment to greet them.
Regulus refused to compare Fleamont Potter to his own father, not right now, or he might start crying again. Was it fair to wish he had grown up here when he just found out about Orion? Did it even matter?
They ended in the living room and Sirius made himself very comfortable, lounging on one of the couches horizontally and letting out a pleased sigh. Sirius was home, Regulus supposed, as close to it as he had ever gotten.
Regulus sat on one of the chairs, pointedly not making himself comfortable. It was hard to not feel at ease, but Regulus always had a special talent for feeling out of place no matter what the scenario was. And he knew for a fact that he did not belong. The Potter’s house was warm and soft and Regulus could feel destruction coursing through his fingertips. He was not warm or soft enough to be there, he wasn’t James or Sirius.
“Regulus?” Mrs. Potter said, getting his attention. He hadn’t even realized he had zoned out, his eyes trained on the pattern of the hardwood floor.
“Sorry, what?” he asked.
Sirius sat up just then, rubbing his eyes. “Do you want a tour?”
“A tour?”
“Of the house.”
Did he? What was he even supposed to say in this situation? He doubted that he would ever find himself there again anyway, so there really wasn’t any point. Then again, he was just sitting there and feeling very awkward, and following Sirius on a tour would give him something to do.
“Okay,” he agreed.
Sirius shrugged, rolling off of the couch and motioning for Regulus to follow him. He was hardly paying any attention to what Sirius was describing, just looking around at everything that happened to interest him. At least, he didn’t pay attention until they got to the bedrooms.
James and Sirius did not live here anymore, that much Regulus knew. Their whole band had a flat that they lived in together, but that apparently did not feel the need to move any of their things out. Sirius had his own room, and there were loads of posters and pictures up still from when they were in secondary school. It didn’t make Regulus feel as bad as he thought it would, seeing the way Sirius had lived for those years he was away. But, well it did the opposite. It made him a bit happy to see that there was a place that Sirius could finally put up his Queen and Bowie posters, and where he didn’t have to make his bed every morning. Of course, it made him incredibly fucking jealous, too, but he was working on it.
And then he showed Regulus what James’ room looked like, promising that he wouldn’t mind. It had a similar vibe, with the posters and the photos, but it was much neater. There was an acoustic guitar in the corner and there were lots of books in messy stacks. He was a little bit surprised that James read for pleasure, if he was honest.
The rooms weren’t empty at all, which was what Regulus also expected. There were lots of things that were an ode to their school years that they never took with them when they moved out.
“We stay here a lot,” Sirius explained to Regulus, probably noticing his confusion.
Dinner was filled with quiet conversation, mostly between Sirius and Mrs. Potter. Regulus wasn’t feeling in the mood to try and talk to anyone, not really. It felt wrong, playing house when he just found out that his father died. So, he stayed mostly silent. The Potter’s didn’t even seem to mind all that much, that he wasn’t contributing to conversation. Sirius talked more than enough for the both of them, updating them on tour life and on James and Peter and then blushing when he spoke about Remus.
Regulus could barely eat, so he moved the food around his plate to make it look like he had an appetite. He was still hungover, although he was playing that off fairly well. He just wanted to go back to his flat and spend some time alone. Sirius was simply not letting him be alone (again).
He was almost entirely zoned out, but his ears tended to pick up on things anyway, and he was suddenly very tuned in to a conversation about an award show. Apparently Sirius was nominated for three different awards, and he just never told Regulus about it.
“What? Tomorrow?” Regulus asked, interrupting their conversation.
All three of them turned to look at him, and he realized it was the first time he had spoken since they sat down. He hoped they didn’t take it as an invitation to start asking him questions like they were doing to Sirius.
Sirius shrugged. “Oh, yeah. It’s fine,” he said, waving it off like it was nothing.
“Are you going to win?”
“I mean, probably.”
“You’re going,” Regulus decided for him. He didn’t need a babysitter, and he had to be there to win his own award.
“I’m not.”
“You are.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Yes, you are.”
The Potter’s were noticeably silent for this argument, realizing it was something between brothers and that they really didn’t need to get involved. Of course, Sirius lived for validation, and he looked to Euphemia for support.
She smiled at both of them, her features and expression very calm. “You guys could both go,” she suggested.
Sirius lit up with that idea, and Regulus wanted to crawl in a hole and never surface. A part of him missed when they weren’t brothers, when they weren’t actively trying to mend their admittedly very broken and twisted relationship. It made saying no to things much easier, it made him feel less guilty. Now, he couldn’t just say no because Sirius was clearly fucking excited about going now that he knew the option was actually there.
Regulus tried not to glare at Mrs. Potter, knowing she was just being a good person and a good mother to Sirius. It would have ended up being suggested anyway, one way or another after they argued about it some more. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. Sirius had done a lot for him the past week and a half, he could admit that to himself. Spending a couple hours in a ridiculously expensive suit with his brother and his brother’s friends…well it was the least he could do.
“Reggie? I mean, we don’t have to, actually. If you don’t want to. We could just stay here. I know things are hard right now and I would understand-”
“I’ll go,” he said, interrupting Sirius before he could rant even more. He didn’t need Sirius mentioning his breakdown to the Potter’s, in fact he had no interest in being reminded of it at all.
“Really?”
He looked back down to his plate, unable to handle all of the light and excitement in Sirius’ eyes. It was too much. “Yes, really,” he said, playing with his food again. He felt guilty about it too, the not eating dinner thing. It never would have crossed his mind even a couple of months ago to feel bad about whether or not he ate. But the Potter’s were just so nice that he had no choice. He managed a couple small bites, and the food was good. That wasn’t the issue at all, he just couldn’t stomach anything.
———
Regulus knew, after years of living with someone, how they acted when they had something on their mind. Sirius was better at hiding things than most, but Regulus was also more observant than the average person. So, after they had packed their bags so they wouldn’t have to do so in the morning and got settled into their separate beds, Regulus was at his wits end.
Sirius just kept babbling. Literally. He was talking about absolutely nothing of substance, and he had to know that Regulus simply did not care. He could not have been more obvious about how little he cared.
“And they’ve always both been such good cooks. I’m glad to see it’s still true, it was nice seeing them again. James will be so jealous of me when I tell them. Oh, fuck. James. I forgot to call James today. Ugh, he probably thinks I died or something.”
“I don’t care,” Regulus said, wishing he had headphones with him.
“And, get this,” Sirius said, pausing for dramatic effect.
“I don’t want to.”
“Remus Lupin decided to tell the entire fucking world he wrote a love song about me. I mean, I haven’t seen the clip yet but I know as soon as they air the interview, it will be everywhere. And… I mean, do you think it’s even true? Like, did he? Do you think he likes me? I mean, you know what I mean, right?”
Regulus sat upright in bed, glaring at Sirius who was sitting with his legs crossed. Regulus just wanted some fucking sleep. “I do not care, Sirius. Okay? Yes, Lupin definitely has a thing for you, you’re both rather embarrassing about it, actually. Can I go to bed now?”
“Wait, really. You think… you think that he…”
Regulus laid back against the pillow with a dramatic groan, the urge to bash his head in the wall stronger than it ever had been.
“Yes.”
“But, actually?”
“What is your issue?” Regulus said, knowing he wouldn’t be granted peace until Sirius got out whatever was in his head.
“Do you actually want to go? To the award show?”
No
“You want to go,” Regulus reminded him.
“That isn’t what I asked.”
He sighed, trying to find the best way to word it. “It’s not the worst way to spend a Saturday,” he settled on. He didn’t entirely want to go, but it was either that or spend the night alone in his flat.
“Okay,” Sirius said with a small nod, accepting that as an answer. “Now, can we go back to Moony? You said…”
Regulus let him keep talking, deciding to tune him out and fall asleep.