balancing act

“So?” Pandora asked, a teasing smile on her face when Regulus kept staring at the door after James left. His brain was foggy, muddled with the realization of what he had done. Why would he touch James? He knew it wouldn't end well, any of it. Now Regulus wasn’t going to be able to get any sleep, not when the image of James staring up at him, lips parted in shock, was seared into his brain.

Regulus took a deep breath, forcing his eyes away from the door. “Do not even start.”

“James is cute.”

“Pandora, really?”

“Yes, really. Don’t you think?”

He went back out onto the balcony, keeping the door open so that she would know he wasn’t shutting her out, he just needed another cigarette. He was glad that he had never done drugs while he was in the ballet, not now that he knew how easily he could become addicted to things. Alcohol, nicotine, James Potter. Yeah, James was a special type of addiction. Regulus knew it was bad for him, he knew he didn’t like it, and yet he kept letting himself go back.

“Does it matter?”

Pandora joined him, and he offered her a cigarette without really even thinking about it. Pandora participated in party culture even less than Regulus did, and she wasn’t even close to tipsy. He was pretty sure she hadn’t even finished the drink he made her earlier.

“To me it does,” she said, shaking her head slightly at the offer.

“Fine,” he mumbled, bringing the lighter up and cupping around it so the wind wouldn’t blow the light out right away.

“Fine?” she asked.

“You heard me.”

“Did I?”

He looked over at her after blowing out a cloud of smoke, even drunk he was careful to not be an asshole about blowing smoke in people’s faces. “Don’t make me say it.”

She grinned. “Say it.”

“He is objectively beautiful, yes. But that’s it.” Pandora’s jaw dropped and Regulus struggled to figure out what he said. He had just answered her question, so why was her reaction so visceral? “What?”

“Reg, holy shit.”

“What?”

She shook her head, taking a small step back, eyes still widened. “I asked you if he was cute.”

Regulus rolled his eyes. “And I told you he was.”

“No, you said something else.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Mhm.”

“What did I say then?”

“You called him beautiful.”

“Oh, fuck off,” Regulus said, because there was really no way. He wouldn’t… Well, the more he thought about it the truer it was. 

Shit.

“I’m getting Barty and Evan and we are never talking about this again,” Regulus said, putting out the bud of his cigarette in the ashtray. He would need to remember to empty it tomorrow, it was getting full.

“Yeah, okay.”

At almost three in the morning, Dorcas got back to the room, a time that Regulus considered to be suspiciously late. 

He was still freaking out a little bit, after everything with James and what he had apparently said to Pandora. He was too drunk to deal with it, and for once he wanted to be surrounded by people that would help him not have to think.

Dorcas ended up being a great distraction for him, at least for a little while.

She tried to sneak in quietly, but they had all heard her unlock the door and waited patiently until she noticed they were all wide awake and looking at her. She looked bashful, not exactly embarrassed, but clearly she had not been planning on getting caught.

“Long night?” Pandora said, a teasing smile on her lips.

“Not long enough,” she said, tossing her bag onto the chair and kicking off her shoes. She was still wearing the same clothes as the concert, but she just collapsed in between Regulus and Pandora on one of the beds, not bothering to change.

Barty and Evan were on the other bed, and before they had all just been sitting around and talking. And drinking. Regulus had made sure that everyone was drinking. After a moment, Dorcas sat up to look at them, clearly a little bit confused.

“Who are they?”

“You mean Reggie doesn’t talk about us?” Barty asked with a bit of a pout.

“Does he talk about me?” Dorcas countered.

“He actually doesn’t talk to us at all,” Evan said. Regulus threw one of the hotel pillows at him, hitting him directly upside the head. They didn’t need to have constant communication to be close, they were the kind of friends that didn’t always get to see each other, but knew they would always be there. Plus, Regulus updated them on important life experiences; when he broke his wrist, for example.

“They are Barty and Evan and I hate them,” Regulus said, pointing at each of them individually.

“Funny way of showing it, Mr. ‘oh barty, oh evan, please do come over right away and let’s get drunk’ Black,” Barty said with a snort.

To be fair, that was almost exactly what had happened. He was pretty sure he woke them up, but he didn’t dwell too much on the guilt. They had done it to him on more than one occasion, and turnabout’s fair play.

“Yeah, I’m still confused about that myself,” Evan said, referring to how Regulus had more or less begged them to come drink vodka.

Pandora perked up a little bit. She had been slowly drifting off to sleep, but she knew far too much, and now she wanted to spread that information to everyone. Regulus didn’t think he would be able to fend off all four of them asking questions, not when he had already cracked and hadn’t even noticed it.

“James was here,” she said loudly, her tone suggestive.

Barty sat up a bit straighter, his jaw falling and his finger pointing accusingly at Regulus. “That’s why you invited us here!? Because of Potter!?”

“No,” Regulus lied. It was the exact reason he had invited them over, actually. He was regretting it now.

Dorcas leaned over and grabbed the bottle and grabbed a chaser along with it. Apparently she was done talking about her night, and she motioned for Regulus to start talking. This was his penance for saying that James was beautiful a total of one time, they were never going to let him live it down.

“C’mon, Reggie. You know you want to tell us what happened.”

He did, too. It was the worst thing, he wanted to sit there and gossip about how warm James was, and how he had just needed to know if his face was warm too. He felt the heat emanating off of him, and still he wasn’t convinced until the palm of his hand had rested on James’ cheek. 

It was alluringly warm, and Regulus had been shivering for a long time. He just wanted to be bundled up into it, feel himself thaw from the inside out.

The feeling was still burned into his hand, he hoped it would never be cold again.

He didn’t say any of that though, he just shrugged, hoping it distracted from the fact that he was still blushing. Alcohol made him blush. “We just smoked.”

“You’re smoking again?” Evan blurted out before Barty nudged him harshly, probably for changing the subject.

“Yeah.”

“So, you just smoked?” Pandora asked, her head cocked to the side a little bit, eyes all knowing. 

“Yup,” Regulus said, his voice a bit choked. A vision of James’ eyes appeared in the very front of his mind. Warm brown with hints of honey and speckles of vanilla. Everything about him was just so warm, Regulus hated it.

“He’s lying,” Barty said, singing the words a little bit, proud of himself for catching on.

That was all it took, one small accusation had Regulus spilling the whole truth about what happened, unable to censor himself because of all the vodka he had to drink.

“I hate him,” Regulus groaned, falling back onto the bed as dramatically as he possibly could and aggressively pressing his face into the pillow. “He’s so hot, like literally hot. His body temperature is higher than anybody’s should be, like a human fucking furnace. And…and he just…Ugh! He’s so frustrating.”

“Frustrating?” Pandora coached.

“And he likes the Stones!” Regulus said as if the fact particularly vexed him. It really did, too. Regulus would like to say that he didn’t mean to play music he thought that James would enjoy, but that would be a lie. He figured that James would have the same music taste as Sirius, some of which transferred to Regulus naturally, and he had been right. And he liked the Rolling Stones, and Regulus hated him more for it.

“It sounds like you like him,” Dorcas said casually.

Regulus froze, he visibly froze. “What? No. No, I definitely do not. I hate him.”

She smiled wide, her eyes a bit lazy as if she were tired. “Okay, sweetheart.”

“Don’t patronize me.”

Dorcas was still smiling as she nodded. “Okay.”

They all found this to be incredibly amusing, Regulus’ inner turmoil. He knew for a fact he didn’t, and could never, like James. He was still dead set on hatred, and Regulus hardly ever changed his opinions about people. Once he met someone, that was it. He trusted his instincts and this was what they were telling him. James would ruin him, and Regulus was too guarded to let him.

In the end, that was really all it was. He was scared to let people in. The only people he really trusted were in the room with him, a grand total of four. Five, if he counted Sirius, but still. If he were to let James peel back even one layer, something trivial and small like his favorite color, for example, then the rest would come falling after it. A domino effect.

He couldn’t afford that. Once he was stripped to the core and someone knew everything about him, they left. That was the pattern, the common theme with close to everyone he knew. Even Pandora and Dorcas didn’t know everything about him, he couldn’t let them know, or they would leave like everyone else.

Truthfully, the only people that have always been there were Barty and Evan. All through secondary school, and everything with Sirius, being forced into a ballet company, adulthood, the bullshit with his parents, literally everything. They were stuck with him whether they liked it or not.

Once the night eventually came to the inevitable declarations of love for friends, Regulus decided it was time to call it a night.

“Regulus, I fucking love you. You know that?” Pandora said, bracing her hands on his shoulders to stay upright. He had sobered up a bit by now, so he ended up being in charge of making sure nobody died on the way to their rooms.“And, I know you won’t say it back, but I know you love me too!”

He smiled at her, plopping her onto the bed. She had already changed into pajamas earlier, so all she had to do was close her eyes and she would be out.

“Thanks, Pandora.”

She hummed and let Regulus pull the blanket over her. Dorcas was already fast asleep on the other side of the bed, the two of them sharing and giving Regulus his own.

After only a couple of minutes, Pandora was sleeping just as peacefully as Dorcas, and the room was silent. Regulus sat upright in the bed, looking at the analog clock on the side table.

3:33

Witching hour.

***

“I didn’t sleep with her!”

James had just gotten out of bed to open the door, because she had been incessantly knocking, and she announced that to probably the entirety of the hotel they were staying in. He had been trying to get some sleep, something that was proving difficult, so he didn’t mind the interruption in the slightest.

“You didn’t?” he asked, kind of proud. Usually Marlene was barging into his room to tell him the opposite.

She shook her head, a big smile taking over her face. “Nope.”

“And this is a good thing?” James said, just trying to clarify.

Marlene’s eyes bulged slightly. “Potter, this is a great thing. I mean, she kissed me first. Did I tell you about that?” she asked excitedly, plopping onto the bed.

James had no choice but to bring his energy up to her level, and he sat down next to her. “You did not.”

Marlene groaned, running her hands on her face. “James! She’s… I just… I have no words. Genuinely.”

“I feel like you have a lot of words.”

She nodded. “I have so many words!”

“Good kisser?” he asked, purposefully teasing her about it.

“Don’t even get me started,” she said, making James laugh. “No, I’m serious. I will probably never shut up about it.”

James didn’t even need to prompt her any more, she just started talking about Dorcas, telling him every single detail of everything they did. James really did not need every detail, but he got them all anyway because when Marlene told a story, she told it completely.

She seemed to get everything out that she wanted to, her cheeks flushed from talking about Dorcas for so long. She was glowing though, really and truly. Marlene always had a bright aura surrounding her, something she carried wherever she went. It had been dulled recently, it was nice to see it coming back.

“And? How was your night?”

James had been doing everything he could to put Regulus out of his mind and focus solely on Marlene, but the second she asked that, it all just returned to his mind, causing him to blush just as much as Marlene was.

She cheered, seeing the bright red on his cheeks. “Oh! James! Did something happen?”

Because James was very easily swept off his feet, apparently, he told her about all of the little things. “He touched my face!”

Marlene blinked at him, her smile falling just a little bit from confusion. “He touched your face?”

James nodded, a bit giddy about all of it. “Yes! He just…” James paused, trying to find the best way to explain it to her, and that was how he decided to act it out. He took off his glasses, handing them to her and not caring if the world was blurry for a couple of minutes. “Put these on, but like… skewed, I guess.”

“Skewed?” she asked, sliding the frames onto her face.

”Yeah, crooked. Whatever, just put them on.”

“Fuck, Potter. You’re blind,” she said, looking around at the hotel room through James’ eyes.

“Yeah, I know.”

He re-enacted exactly what Regulus had done to him, resting his hand on her cheek for a long moment. The touch felt less intimate with Marlene, they were just friends and even doing this felt a little bit weird. He was always touchy with people he loved, but this was something that Regulus had done to him, it was different.

As soon as James had his glasses back he saw the stunned sort of look Marlene had on her face. 

“What?”

“Your hands are so warm,” she said, picking one of them up and holding it between her own hands.

James took it back, shaking his head at her. “That isn’t the point.”

“Right.”

“So?”

“So, what?”

“What do you think?”

“About what?”

“The touch!”

“Oh,” she said with a shrug. “I mean, you aren’t really my type.”

James blinked a couple of times, thinking before he spoke, for once. “Marlene. Babes. My love. Come on.”

She laughed, clearly amused with herself and how difficult she was making his life. “It sounds like he was drunk.”

“He was,” James confirmed.

“Then… Well, you can’t really count it.”

“He touched my stomach once, too, when he was drunk,” James said, that specific memory had altered the chemicals in his brain, he was sure of it. It was the first time Regulus had ever initiated anything between them. And maybe James was making it all up because he liked him, but he was starting to think that Regulus might actually like him back.

Which, yeah. It was ridiculous. Regulus still told James he hated him, he seemed to never want to be in the same vicinity as James (unless he was drunk), and that likely would not change. But James tended to enjoy living in his fantasy world, at least in the more quiet hours of the night.

“I’m seeing a common theme.”

“Yeah,” he said with a sigh. “Me too.”

If James was naive he would say that he would get over it, that he could just ignore what he felt until it went away. James wasn’t naive though. He was aware of the way his heart fluttered every time he saw Regulus, and the way his whole body responded whenever he spoke. He didn’t even care when Regulus was mean to him, there was some masochistic part of him that liked it.

So, James did not see himself getting over it anytime soon. However, Regulus was leaving soon. He had sort of forgotten all about the fact that he was not here by choice, that he hadn’t decided to spend time on tour with them. The week was coming to an end and James was a bit confused as to how long it already felt. Was it really only six days since he first met Regulus?

Time worked on a different plane on a tour. He was visiting so many places and traveling so much that he felt like he had lived seven lifetimes already. Each day was longer than the last, and most of the time it was not in a good way. He already had to be awake in just a couple of hours to travel to Jacksonville.

If anything though, he was looking forward to the break they were going to get. After tomorrow, there wouldn’t be a show for another four days, which would give James the time he needed to finish the song and give it to Mary.

His intention had been to record it in Tampa, but the schedule had really not worked out for him. At all.

Marlene stayed in his room until the early morning, her alarm going off at the same time Dorcas and Pandora were leaving. She invited James to go along and say goodbye, and he dragged himself out of bed. He liked both Dorcas and Pandora, it would be rude if he didn’t see them off.

When he got out there though, after packing up all of his things, Sirius had already collapsed onto his knees in front of Pandora, doing that fake weeping thing he liked to do. James shook his head a bit in amusement and said his goodbyes in a much more civilized manner. Maybe, if he would have had the proper amount of sleep, he would have joined Sirius on the ground.

Next time.

Before they went on the bus, James tried to catch Regulus’ eye. Whether he was avoiding James intentionally or not didn’t matter, James did not like it.

***

Pandora made her departure a whole affair, dramatically saying goodbye to every single person as if she hadn’t already made plans to see another show with Dorcas. They would probably make Regulus go along too, seeing as he would no longer be on the tour.

Sirius, unsurprisingly, played into the dramatics for Pandora’s sake, falling at her feet and sobbing. He literally shed a tear, and it made Regulus wonder if he had ever fake cried on command to get something he wanted. He was better at using his emotions to play with people, to get what he wanted. He also had less control over them, something that Regulus wasn’t willing to give up.

“Why didn’t you cry for me?” Pandora said, turning around on her heel after Sirius left, laughing with James as they made their way to the bus. Regulus was not paying attention to them.

He smiled. “I’m not sad,” he told her simply. It wasn’t technically the truth, he was going to greatly miss having Dorcas and Pandora there, in fact he was sort of mourning their absence already.

Her jaw dropped. “Don’t call me when you get back to London,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest.

“I wasn’t planning on it,” he lied.

Pandora smiled, ruffling his hair and not initiating a hug like she wanted to. Regulus could only handle touch sometimes, and from certain people. He was too strung out to really be able to handle it, but he also didn’t know the next time he would see her.

He opened his arms for a small hug and her face lit up, not pretending to be mad at him anymore and falling into his arms for a quick hug. He never really hugged back, he didn’t understand hugs in general, but Pandora never minded and she wrapped her arms around Regulus’ torso for a quick squeeze before pulling back.

“Oh, you’re totally going to miss me!”

He lifted his eyebrows in amusement, not confirming or denying since they both already knew the answer.

“Do I get a hug too?” Dorcas asked, arms already open.

Regulus looked at her for a moment, and then his eyes flicked to where Marlene and a couple of other people were standing, just a couple of yards away, and made his decision.

“Nope.”

Her arms dropped. “What? Why not?”

“Because you’re going to be back soon anyway.”

Dorcas blushed, which Regulus thought was a little bit embarrassing for her, he hadn’t even gotten to subtly imply anything yet.

“Wait, you’re staying?” Pandora asked, realizing Regulus’ word choice even before he did.

No, of course he was not staying. He just hadn’t thought that far ahead, to what he would be doing after he was allowed to go home. He lived alone, he was always alone, but that had never bothered him before. He had a busy life, when he was dancing, so his flat was empty. And, even if Evan and Barty had been serious, he couldn’t just move into their place.

“No, I’m not.”

“You could, you know?” Dorcas said, probably having overheard something from Marlene.

He shook his head. “No, I can’t. It’s complicated.”

Pandora smiled. “It always is with you.”

***

Sirius was looking at him. 

James might have stared at Regulus when he got on the bus, following him with his eyes until he shut the door to his ‘room’. He didn’t mean to be so obvious about everything, but now he was sure that Regulus was avoiding him on purpose. He hadn’t even done anything wrong, he was pretty sure. The memories of last night were a bit fuzzy, but the general plot was there, James knew what happened.

“Prongs?”

There had never once been a time in James’ life where he couldn’t talk to Sirius. He told him everything, perhaps even too much at times, but there weren't any barriers between them. Not until this. He couldn’t tell Sirius about this, not yet. He was scared, to put it simply. Sirius loved Regulus, but that did not mean he would approve of James wanting to love Regulus. It was different, brotherly love vs… Well, versus what James was starting to feel.

“Yeah?”

Sirius’ eyes flicked to the now closed door, where Regulus went immediately. “Is he… Is he okay?” Sirius had been a bit busy since Regulus’ arrival, so he couldn’t be blamed for not knowing. James was sure that if he would have kissed Moony (in a more adult way than their kiss when they were kids) he would be spending far too much time thinking about it as well.

James thought back to yesterday, when he had seen Regulus huddled in a ball, very obviously not okay. And he thought back to last night, when they were drunk and he had shown him the article. Has Sirius seen it? James wasn’t sure if it was his place to tell him, but they were brothers, and Sirius was probably better equipped to get him to talk about it than James was.

“There was… an article,” he said, lowering his voice. He couldn't very well tell Sirius that Regulus was avoiding James specifically because of the soft, cold touches at 2 in the morning

“What?”

“You should ask him about it.”

“James?”

“Just talk to him.”

That was all it took for Sirius to disappear before they even got moving, shutting the door and locking himself in the tiny room with Regulus. He would probably be mad at James for telling Sirius, but what else was new? It wasn’t like Sirius was never going to find out about it.

He didn’t bother to get in his bunk, instead sitting next to Peter upfront and resting his head. He had gotten absolutely no sleep, and he doubted he would get another chance to rest his eyes.

Remus was sitting across from them, his leg bouncing up and down a bit anxiously with such speed that James could feel it with his eyes closed.

“Everything alright, Moony?” Peter said.

“Hmm? Oh, yeah. Everything’s great.”

James would have pretended to be asleep, seeing as it was his intention to take a nap, but the tone of Remus’ voice had been very obviously sarcastic, even if he hadn’t meant for it to be. He knew things were weird between him and Sirius, but he hadn’t seen Remus act in this way as of yet, most of the anxiety has been on Sirius’ part.

He didn’t know what information Peter had, but it wasn’t like he was never going to find out.

Remus was avoiding James’ eye, which told James everything he needed to know. 

“Any advancements?” James asked him, lifting his tone of voice a little so that Remus would know this was completely casual. It wasn’t, but he could pretend. 

Remus looked up at him, eyes more vulnerable than James had seen in years. He shook his head, a movement so small that he almost didn’t catch it.

Peter, always quick to catch on, sucked in a deep breath out of shock, looking between Remus and James in rapid succession. 

“No fucking way. I fucking knew it,” he said, his voice probably a bit too loud. Remus shushed him, eyes traveling to the closed door where the Black brothers were hopefully having a heart to heart. “Still,” Peter said with a huff, crossing his arms. “Prongs didn’t believe me, but I always knew.”

James looked at him in confusion, trying to figure out when Peter had ever brought this up to him. “What?”

“Years ago, I told you they were soulmates,” Peter explained.

“You did not.”

“I did. It was after our first sold out show.”

James tried to remember, but honestly that night had been incredible. They played to a crowd of 750 people in London, and people were even trying to get in after that. So, of course he remembered that night, but not Peter mentioning anything about Remus and Sirius, he was sure that was something he would have remembered. 

Peter rolled his eyes. “They kept like… looking at each other. After the show. When we were all getting drunk and celebrating. Remember?” Remus seemed to remember at least, his cheeks were stained pink and he was looking down at the ground. How far back did this all go? “Either way, I called it.”

“Moony?” James said, asking for confirmation. 

He pointedly did not answer, which was really all James needed. He didn’t want to interject himself into the middle of their clearly very complicated relationship, it wasn’t his place. That did not mean that he couldn’t speed the process a little bit from the sidelines.

Peter was smiling widely, proud of himself. He moved to sit next to Remus, patting him on the back in a way that was meant to be more patronizing than comforting. “Don’t worry, Moony. Prongs has a crush on the other one anyway.”

James’ eyes widened in shock. Why would Peter say something like that? “Peter? What the fuck?”

He shrugged. “I’m trying to make Remus feel better.”

Remus was staring at him with an almost awestruck expression. “No!? You and…” he gestured his head to the room, careful not to say their names.

“You can’t tell Sirius,” James said quickly, because really that’s what he was worried about and he absolutely hated that it was the case. He needed to either tell him or get over it, he couldn’t lie about it for much longer.

“Not like he’s talking to me much anyway.”

James sighed. “I know the feeling.”

Peter was having way too much fun causing trouble. “Fuck, the Black brothers have really done a number on you two.”

Remus sat up straight again. “Wait? You have a crush?”

James smiled, because despite everything, he liked the way his stomach dropped and the way he stuttered over his words around Regulus. “I do.”

Remus cocked his head to the side as if he were trying to figure James out. “On a man?”

“That’s hardly the development I’m freaking out about, but yes.”

He smiled. “So, that kiss? When we were younger?” Remus said, trailing off a little bit.

James nodded. “Moony, you are one handsome man, you always have been.”

“Amen!” Peter added.

Remus shook his head. “I cannot believe you called it kissing practice.”

James shrugged. “Well you went along with it, and Sirius was being a git about already having kissed a girl, I had to be on the same level.”

“I’m not a girl.”

“Yes, and we all ended up being gay anyway, so none of it really mattered.”

“You used me to have the same kiss count as Sirius?” Remus asked after a pause, the words just now settling in.

James pressed his lips together a bit guiltily. “Might’ve done, yeah. Sorry, Moons.”

Peter laughed, loudly, immediately making James and Remus laugh with him. It was a miracle there were still things about each other that they didn’t know, stories they had never told or only told to one other person. James liked it though, he liked that he could always learn more about his best friends.

***

Regulus never seriously contemplated murder.

At least, not until his brother came walking into the room awkwardly asking about ‘an article’.

Safe to say, Regulus was considering murder now. James Potter was a dead man walking. He had never wanted to show Sirius the article because he knew that this is what would happen. He would have to talk about it. They were not good at talking, especially not to each other.

Communication was not a value in the house of Black.

“It’s not a big deal,” Regulus said, eyes staying focused on the book, even if he wasn’t actually reading it.

“Do we really have to drag this out?” 

“We don’t have to talk about it at all, actually.”

“Reggie, just… just talk.”

He shut the book, perhaps a bit too harshly, but he didn’t care. It wasn’t that simple for him. Regulus didn’t know how to ‘just talk’. Nobody but himself needed to be subjected to his inner turmoil, especially not Sirius, not anymore. He was the one who dealt with it before, he had years of it when they were younger. Regulus didn’t do that anymore, he handled everything by himself now. He kept everything inside because it was easier than having to put it out into the world. If he talked about it, it was real.

“I’m not like you, Sirius. I don’t go around talking about my feelings.”

Sirius didn’t even blink, not at how rude Regulus was being, or at how cold and sharp his words were. “Do you think it was easy for me?”

“Yes,” Regulus replied easily. Sirius had James, he had a person who was good and warm and soft and knew how to feel things in the right way. Regulus never had that, and he used to envy Sirius for it, he used to hate him for it. There was a part of him that probably would always feel that way, jealous over everything Sirius had and he didn’t simply because he knew James. It wasn’t fair, but life rarely was.

“I grew up in that house too.”

“You got out.”

“So did you,” Sirius said, because he didn’t know everything. Regulus technically should not fault him for it, he really thought that Regulus was free of that place and the clutches of their parents. Regulus had never told him, so the anger he exhibited over that one phrase was really, very unwarranted.

“Fuck you. You abandoned me, you left me there and I was dying.”

Again, Sirius didn’t waver. “So was I, Reg. They were killing me. I had to leave.”

Regulus shook his head. “It was fine when it was both of us, when I knew there was someone else going through the same things. But you left me alone in that place for years.”

“You could have come with me!” Sirius said, raising his voice. They expelled their anger in different ways. Sirius yelled and sometimes he fought and he was very obvious about his anger, Regulus took a more subtle approach, shutting down almost completely when he was angry.

“No. I could not have.”

“Yes, I asked you to. And you didn’t. You stayed behind.”

“I had no choice.”

“There’s always a choice.”

“For you, maybe.”

“We had the same fucking opportunities.”

Regulus felt all emotion leave his eyes, he felt that stone expression force its way onto his face as he stared at Sirius, feeling disbelief but never showing it. 

“We didn’t.”

“Give me one example,” Sirius demanded.

It was a struggle to not shut down. Regulus knew this was a conversation that they needed to have, something they had never discussed in full before, and there were still a lot of things they both needed to say. He had never actively tried to not shut down before though, he had never tried to stay present. Confrontation was not something he was good at. He was sure it stemmed from his childhood, always terrified he was going to get in trouble for something he had done.

So he waited probably more than two minutes before he could even speak again. Sirius waited, impatiently waiting patiently because he was angry with Regulus and still he knew about all of his issues. Regulus tended to hide in corners or little alcoves when they were kids when he knew he had done something wrong. He broke his mother’s vase once by accident, not even one that she particularly loved, but he knew what was coming. Punishment, reprimand, abuse. So he hid underneath the stairs for hours, even though he knew she wouldn’t be home until late, he stayed there all day.

“You were braver than me,” Regulus said, because while admitting it was hard, it was easier than anything else. “You knew what you wanted, and you went after it. I was always lost.”

Sirius ran his hands over his face, pushing his hair back. It reminded Regulus just how early it was in the morning, he could not believe they were having this conversation now.

After a deep breath, “Okay, okay. But we’re out now, you’re out now. You have the time and the space to…”

“I’m not out,” Regulus interrupted.

Sirius stopped, blinking in confusion. “Yes, you are.”

“I’m not.”

“But I- Well, I thought- What are you talking about?”

Regulus didn’t even know where to begin, it was all so complicated. He didn’t live with his parents anymore, he was financially independent, he had no contact with them. But, he wasn’t free, he was never free from them.

“You left,” Regulus said, deciding to start at the beginning.

“Reg…”

“No, I’m not- I’m explaining.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Do not shut down. Just tell him what happened

“Things got worse, naturally. I needed a way out, but I’m not like you, I could never do it on my own.”

“No, that’s not…”

“Okay, I’m really going to need you to not interrupt.”

Sirius promptly shut his mouth, although Regulus knew it wouldn’t be the last thing he would say. He had a bad habit of interrupting, needing to say his piece the exact moment he thought of it. Regulus would never finish telling the story if that were the case.

“So, mother got me signed to the London Ballet. She pulled some strings or something, I think, because they let me in months after the admissions process. I mean I was good, so I made a lot of money from sponsorships and such, so I moved out. But, I didn’t get out.”

“But you moved out?” Sirius asked.

“Yes.”

“I don’t get it.”

Regulus frowned, because the rest of the story would be self explanatory to most, but especially to his own brother. “What do you mean?”

“You were making your own money, you were rich by yourself. You didn’t need to depend on them. You got out.”

That was technically all true, but… Did Sirius really not know? It had been all over the news when it happened. Everyone knew, regardless of whether they cared or not.

“Sirius, the company went down.”

“The… the company?” he asked, still confused.

Regulus genuinely could not believe that Sirius didn’t know any of this. Really, there were probably better circumstances for him to tell him, not when they had just been arguing. But… well now or never.

“Black Industries.”

His jaw dropped in genuine shock. “Orion’s company?” He never called them mother and father, only used their first names, being as disrespectful as possible at all times. It used to annoy Regulus, now he understood. 

“Yeah.”

“What do you mean it went down?”

“He was caught for embezzlement and fraud. The whole company went down after that. It doesn’t exist anymore.”

Sirius stood up, needing to walk around and expel some of his anxious energy. To be fair, this was not the scenario that Regulus wanted to be telling him all of this in, and there was still more. 

“Holy shit.”

“I can’t believe you didn’t know.”

“Why would I know that?”

“They’re our parents.”

Sirius stopped walking. “They literally disowned me.”

Regulus felt the corners of his lips quirk up, because yeah, they had done that. It was ridiculous that people even did that anymore, but they genuinely cut Sirius off in all aspects of their lives, and they had expected for Regulus to do the same.

“Okay, but it was all over the news.”

“Local news?”

“I mean, not international news.”

Sirius shrugged. “I was probably out of the country,” he said, sitting back down. “What does that have to do with you though?”

“Nothing, technically. But there’s more.”

“How can there be more? Is Orion in jail?”

“No, but he should be.”

“Don’t tell me you bailed him out,” Sirius said, looking at Regulus with a bit of disbelief.

He shrugged. “Not really? I don’t know. I paid for his lawyer and then…”

“Then they set bail and you paid for it?”

“Well they had no money!”

“They’re shit people, Regulus! They deserve all the bad things that happen to them, you know that, right?”

It was always more complicated for Regulus, and he hated that it was. They were bad people, they were horrible parents and had probably never done a kind thing a day in their life. But, they were his parents, some part of him couldn’t hate them so easily. They weren’t always evil, not when he and Sirius were especially young.

Their dad would take them sledding, or they would go to London at Christmastime and drink hot cocoa. The memories weren’t all bad. It wasn’t until they got older that the abuse started, and maybe Regulus had always clung to those happy times a bit too much, but he couldn’t help it.

“Regulus?”

“Yeah, no, I know that,” Regulus said. Sirius took a deep breath, Regulus was still trying to remain present. There was more, there was still more that Sirius didn’t know and that Regulus had to tell him, because if not him then who else? “Is it too early to start drinking?”

“Yes,” Sirius said, for once being a little bit responsible. “Especially for you, lightweight.”

“I’m not a lightweight,” he defended, although he probably was. He didn’t have the years of nights out that Sirius did to build up his tolerance to anything.

“We’ll drink together tonight,” Sirius promised, smiling a little bit. They were probably both remembering that Regulus was leaving soon. Sirius had made sure he was eating more and eating better, Regulus was for once letting himself have fun, and he had not injured himself any more than he already was. There was no point in him staying.

“Counting on it.”

Sirius, because he was better at conversation, picked it back up. “Okay, so you paid bail. And you’re out now though?”

“I’m not free of them, Sirius.”

“I don’t get it.”

“I know,” Regulus said with a small sigh. This all would have been so much easier if Sirius wouldn’t have gotten himself disowned. Which, Regulus didn’t entirely blame him for, but he wasn’t faultless. “They are broke. As in they have no money, no income, nothing.”

“You’re telling me I missed the fall of the most Noble and Ancient House of Black?” Sirius asked, always falling back into his dramatics. They never even called it that, except for on party invitations.

“Yes.”

“Still, not our problem.” Regulus didn’t answer right away, because he (for some reason) had decided to make it his problem. “You’re joking.”

“I send them money every month,” he admitted.

“Well, stop.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Why not?”

“Look, all I do is send a check. I don’t talk to them, I don’t see them, none of that. It’s just money.”

“Your money, though. Not theirs.”

“Well, they used their money to raise us.”

Sirius’ eyes widened, and Regulus could tell he was just getting angry again. He was tired of this conversation, of going back and forth about the different moral implications. It was his money and he could decide how he wanted to use it, simple as that.

“They wouldn’t even let us buy bubblegum from the shopping center!”

“I know, but…”

“But what?”

“Sirius?”

“I’m listening.”

Do not shut down.

All Regulus wanted to do was crawl inside of his own skin, he had never been more aware of every single sensation. The way his shirt was itching his back, and his hair was falling too harshly on his neck, the collar of his shirt and exactly where it brushed against his collarbones. Everything.

Do not shut down.

“He’s sick.”

“Who’s sick?”

Regulus knew that Sirius was not stupid. They had been raised with the same education, and Sirius, despite his best efforts to have horrible notes, was very good at school. He absorbed information like a sponge, learning things with ease. So, Regulus didn’t understand why he was acting so dense.

“Father. Orion. Whatever you want to call him. He’s sick.”

“Like mentally? Because I thought we already established they were both sick.”

“He has MND.”

“What’s that?”

“Motor neuron disease.”

Sirius still looked confused, and Regulus remembered that he had always been better at science. For a while, his parents had wanted him to be a surgeon, so he had taken a lot of classes in that general area in high school. They wanted Sirius to be a lawyer, so he was never subjected to all of the diseases and illnesses that Regulus was.

“His motor neurons are being destroyed,” Regulus explained, simplifying it for him.

“Oh shit. Like his… like walking and moving?”

“Essentially. He’s hospitalized right now, can hardly move at all, or speak without slurring his words.”

Sirius clearly did not know how to take this information, and he kept going from anger to worry to anger again. It was a lot, Regulus remembered when he found out. It was the only reason he really sent them all the money he did.

“And you’re paying for it?” He was back to being angry.

“Who else do you suggest pays for it?”

Healthcare was usually pretty cheap, but not the way Walburga insisted for it to be done. She had them run every single test, give him every single drug or experimental trial, things that were so ridiculous that insurance didn’t cover it.

“Them!”

“Sirius, they literally have no money.”

“Good. Let them die with hundreds of thousands of pounds of debt.”

“Who do you think is handed all of that debt when they die?”

“Their next of kin. Which wouldn’t be us because we were disowned.”

“You were disowned. I am not.”

“Well, do something to get disowned then.”

“I did. It wasn’t enough.”

“What did you do?”

“I made out with Barty.”

“Barty? The security? I thought he had a thing with the other one.”

Regulus nodded. “He does. And the other one is Evan.”

“Evan, that’s it. I like them, you know?”

“Mm, great.” Really, he could care less if Sirius liked his friends, he didn’t need his approval.

“Are they not serious?”

“They’re getting married, actually.”

“And you made out with one of the grooms?”

“I did, yes.”

“Recently?”

“Yes.”

Sirius kept teetering between confused and impressed, looking at Regulus as if it was the first time he was really seeing him. Regulus had never technically had to come out to Sirius, he had never really come out to anyone. It was just a thing. He realized one day he was gay and never thought about it much, at least until him and Barty started messing around and his mother caught them.

Yeah, then he started thinking about it a lot.

“What the fuck?”

“It was in a friend way.”

“You don’t make out with people in a friend way.”

“I do.”

“I don’t.”

Regulus gave him a look. “You’re telling me you’ve never kissed Potter?”

Sirius grinned at him. “I have, actually.” His smile dropped when he realized he seemed to prove Regulus’ point. “Whatever. Have you seen that man? I would platonically have his children if he asked me.” Regulus did not want this to turn into a conversation about James, or about making out with James. He was sure that his psyche wouldn’t be able to take it. “Are you blushing?” Sirius asked loudly, standing up abruptly and pointing. “Oh my God! You totally want to make out with him too! Nobody can resist his charm, not even you!”

Regulus was blushing even more now. 

It was the worst.

Sirius ran out of the room.

***

James had finally decided to try to sleep, closing his eyes while Remus and Peter chatted away about simple things.

It was short lived when he heard Sirius yelling his name, struggling to open the door to the back room. His first thought was that maybe Regulus was trying to murder him, but then the sound of his giggles filtered through along with his voice, and the look on his face when he did open the door was nothing short of ecstatic.

He pulled his headphones out, waiting for whatever Sirius was about to say to him.

“Reggie’s blushing!” he said.

James didn’t really need any more cue than that to get as excited as Sirius. The sight of Regulus blushing was one that James admired so deeply. His cheeks could be as red as a cherry, and he would still lie to James’ face and refuse to admit that he was blushing. It was adorable. Regulus would hate being called adorable, but it was the simple truth.

“That’s fantastic!” James said. Sirius came and sat next to him, one track mind and apparently not seeing the way Remus kept glancing up at him. “You’re blushing too!”

Sirius nodded. “Yeah, it was hot in there, the conversation got a bit… much. But, that’s not the point!”

James smiled, completely taken up by Sirius’ energy in the way he always was. They fed off of each other, feeling everything that the other was in any given moment.

“Okay, what is the point then?”

“He wants to kiss you!” Sirius said. James had to fight to keep his face neutral. It was a challenge. “Well, he blushed over the idea of it, but all the same!”

James could only nod, making a small noise that showed he was listening. He couldn’t very well show just how pleased he was over this. Peter was clearly very intrigued, looking at James with a raised eyebrow and obviously about to start something.

“Wow, that is very interesting. James, what do you think of that?” Peter asked.

Sirius was far too caught up in his own excitement, thankfully, so he didn’t seem to understand the implications of Peter’s words. James did though, and now he definitely had to find something that he could tease Peter about. He was always super quiet and secretive about literally everything, but now James had a determination.

“Oh, can hardly blame him. Prongs is a handsome, handsome man,” Sirius said, pinching his cheeks a little bit.

“So, you guys talked everything out then?” James asked, desperate to change the subject. The door was still open, and he was almost positive that Regulus could hear them.

Sirius looked at him. “Hmm? No, not even close. This is a brief intermission.”

“An intermission?”

“Heavy atmosphere in that room, Prongs. Heavy, heavy. Intermission is necessary.”

Sirius had finally calmed down a little bit, relaxing into the seat and realizing that Pete and Remus were there too. The expression on his face when he saw Remus was priceless, and James really didn’t know how he had never noticed before. 

He cleared his throat. “Moony, Wormtail. Top of the morning to you two.”

“To both of us?” Peter asked, smiling devilishly. James actually liked when Pete was being a little shit so long as it wasn’t directed at him.

“Yes?”

“Okay, just wondering.”

Sirius seemed to get the implications just then, so he practically vanished back into the room with Regulus, preferring that to dealing with everything with Remus. 

James couldn’t fault him for that. 

“So, Prongs?” Peter said, smirk on his face.

“Wormy.”

“How’re you feeling?”

Really, he felt like his heart had fallen to his feet, dropping in his chest at terminal velocity. He didn’t want to get his hopes up, most likely Sirius was being an idiot and Regulus had little to no interest in kissing him. But James was a fool and his whole body was tingling.

***

“You’re the one blushing now,” Regulus said when Sirius came back to the room. 

“Do not say a word.”

“I don’t think I need to.”

Sirius sat down next to him with a huff. “I’d rather we argue again than talk about this.”

Regulus felt himself smiling. “And by this you mean?”

“Don’t start with me, really.”

Still, after Sirius decided to embarrass him, Regulus thought that it was only fair that he get to do it in return. So, he stood up with every single intention to tell Remus that Sirius was blushing. 

“Absolutely not,” Sirius said, blocking the door. 

“But I need to tell Remus you’re blushing over him.”

“You will do no such thing.”

“Why’s that?”

He had to think for only a moment before thinking of something, Sirius was always quick witted like that, able to think on his feet. It was why he was good at this lifestyle, good at interviews and talking to fans. 

“Because. We’re talking about the article.”

“What article?” 

“Well that was my question actually.”

Everything was too much. There was too much to tell him. He just needed a break, a moment to breathe. He needed to get off the bus and drink some water and take off the stupid fucking cast and breathe. 

“In a couple of minutes,” Regulus said, deciding then and there that he was going to fucking breathe.

Sirius nodded. “Okay.”