Gay Breakdowns
Dorcas was in love.
Okay, she wasn’t. She didn’t fall in love that easily. But seriously, how had she never met Marlene until now?
She spent a bit too long obsessing over her instagram since Regulus wouldn’t let her go and actually talk to Marlene. She was respecting it, for now, because she knew that she was busy. Dorcas herself had work she needed to do. She never really got a break from her job, even if the two biggest people she managed were in the room with her. There was always something to be done.
She was answering emails on her phone for a while, Regulus was still playing Mario Kart and he was going up against Pandora, who was going to win anyway. She had never seen Regulus get so worked up over a video game before though, over anything really, and it was much more amusing than her phone.
“What the fuck?” he said loudly when he came in second place, again.
“I’m just better,” Pandora said flippantly. She didn’t even need to try that hard to beat Regulus, he had absolutely no practice on things like this whereas Pandora played for fun all of the time.
Regulus shook his head, getting up from the couch. “It’s only because I have one hand.”
He had been attempting to use both of them, but it was probably an awkward and uncomfortable position. He was lucky he was even able to come in second.
Regulus stopped in front of her, looking over to see what was on her phone, which was still open to her email. “No, Cas. Tell me you’re not working right now.”
She smiled, locking her phone quickly. Regulus, because he was a hypocrite, told her that she worked too much. Which, maybe she did. She definitely did, but it was how she made a living, and she really cared about everyone that she managed.
“I don’t have any more vacation days.”
He just stared at her for a minute before walking away. Dorcas went back to sending out emails when Regulus returned a couple minutes later with a mixed drink. Multiple mixed drinks actually, for all of them.
“Doesn’t matter. We’re getting drunk.”
“We are?” Pandora said, turning her head.
Regulus handed her a drink too, already having it made. When he had told her that they needed to come and visit him, she hadn’t realized he was perfectly fine. He had a fractured wrist, yes, but that was it. He was with his brother, he had not actually been kidnapped, the label was paying for mostly everything. Regulus had probably never been in better care.
He was just freaking out over James Potter.
Dorcas had no room to judge. She had only been there for two hours and she was feeling the same way because of Marlene McKinnon.
Alcohol was liquid courage, for Dorcas at least. And after two drinks, she went to go find her. Regulus gave her an idea of where she might be, but she had hardly paid any attention to the directions. They were probably getting ready for the show, and she didn’t want to interrupt, except that was exactly what she wanted to do.
She stopped by a door that she heard music coming from, and it had a piece of red printer paper taped to it, the words Lion’s Head written in bold black sharpie. At the very least, this was her band.
She drew every ounce of confidence she had gotten from those shots of Pink Whitney and knocked three times on the door before taking a small step back. The music that Dorcas heard earlier paused before she could figure out what song it was, and it wasn’t long before she was met with a blonde. Not Marlene though, she would have been able to tell right away.
“Hello.”
Dorcas blinked. She hadn’t thought this far ahead. Never in a million years would she have done this, not to someone she had just met.
“Hi. Umm, I’m Dorcas,” she said, holding her hand out.
“Alice.”
She shook her hand and opened the door a little bit wider, a sort of amused look on her face. Alice was very pretty, her blonde hair was wavy, a bit messy, and her eyes were a bright blue color. There was a light dusting of freckles across her face that seemed to continue along the rest of her body, or at least the parts of it that Dorcas could see.
“Nice to meet you.”
Alice nodded, and she kept looking back at something in the room.
“Sorry, just a moment,” Alice told her just before shutting the door.
Dorcas waited, mostly because she didn’t know what else to do, she was a bit shaken. This had been a bad idea. She couldn’t ask out someone she had just met, especially a musician who was on tour. Regulus had specifically warned her against musicians, and he was right. Their lifestyles weren’t compatible. Dorcas had an office job where she sat around and sent emails all day, and while she loved all of the talent she represented, she didn’t love her job. And Marlene was a musician, a good one too, Dorcas was almost certain of that. And…
Marlene.
The door opened again, and Marlene was the one standing in front of her. Dorcas had assumed she wasn’t in the room after Alice opened the door, clearly she was wrong.
“Hi,” she said, a confident smile on her face.
Dorcas felt a bit frozen. “Hi.”
Marlene looked behind her, like Alice had done, but rather than close the door on her, Marlene stepped out with Dorcas so that they were both standing in the middle of the hallway.
“Sorry, they were being annoying,” Marlene told her casually. Dorcas felt very out of her depth, she knew right in that moment that she was no match for Marlene, and she also knew that she did not care.
“It’s fine,” Dorcas said, because she didn’t know what else to say.
Marlene, because she was lovely and not nearly as drunk as Dorcas was, threw her a bone. “Want to go on a walk?”
“Yes!” she responded, perhaps a bit too eagerly. “Sorry.”
“No, don’t apologize,” Marlene said with a tiny laugh. She held her arm out for Dorcas, and she looped their arms together, leading the way.
Dorcas focused on her breathing, and she focused on the feeling of Marlene’s skin against hers. Dorcas was a bit taller than Marlene, only by an inch or two, but she had too much to drink and was not walking properly, Marlene practically holding her up.
“Are you alright?”
“Regulus forced shots down my throat,” Dorcas complained, because it was easier to blame it on him than it was to blame it on herself.
“Really?” she asked, genuinely curious. Seeing as Regulus had never mentioned her, Dorcas assumed they just didn’t know each other very well.
“No, not really. I was nervous.”
“Nervous?”
Dorcas groaned, cursing herself for saying that. She always had loose lips when she was drunk, further proving that this was such a bad idea. “Forget I said that.”
Marlene’s smile grew into a teasing one, and she tightened her grip on Dorcas. “I don’t think I want to.”
“You’re evil.”
She shrugged, all too pleased. “Go on, Meadowes. Explain yourself.”
Dorcas buried her face in Marlene’s shoulder, hiding herself while she quietly admitted what Marlene already knew. “You make me nervous, McKinnon.”
“Do I?”
“You are having way too much fun with this.”
“What are you doing tonight?” Marlene asked, stopping the both of them. They had just been walking up and down a bunch of random hallways, and were now stopped in front of a giant window.
“I’m going to the show.”
“Yes, but after?”
“I was supposed to be the one asking you out.”
Marlene tried to fight a smile, lightly biting her bottom lip. “I’m not stopping you.”
Dorcas took a deep breath, pointedly looking away from Marlene’s eyes. “Would you like to go out with me tonight?”
———
“Are you blushing?” Pandora asked her when she got back to the room.
She had spent a bit too long just pacing back and forth, trying to calm her wildly beating heart. It was still clear in her face, apparently, and Pandora always paid a bit too much attention.
“How’s Marlene doing?” Regulus asked, still playing Mario Kart. She was getting slightly worried, although he could just be making up for lost time.
“Too fucking lovely,” she said, collapsing next to him on the couch. Pandora moved over a little to make room for all three of them to sit comfortably.
“That’s a bit sad,” Regulus said.
“I don’t wanna hear it. You’ve been playing video games for two hours.”
Regulus looked up, and his eyes were a bit red from the strain of looking at the screen for so long. “You’re joking.”
“I’m not.”
“Two hours?” he asked Pandora, looking for another opinion.
“Probably longer.”
As if this information had truly shocked him, Regulus set the controller down on the coffee table and stood up. He really had been in a trance the entire time.
“This thing is fucking dangerous.”
“And we need to leave to go get ready,” Pandora reminded them. They were still in their day clothes, and they hadn’t gone shopping for no reason. Plus, Dorcas had more incentive now. Before she hadn’t cared much about impressing anyone. Now, well it was a different story.
They had to walk back to the hotel, none of them were sober enough to drive. It wasn’t very far, but it was hot and Dorcas was sweating.
“She’s just so pretty, you know?” Dorcas said.
They were probably tired of hearing her talk about Marlene, but they both had absurdly boring love lives, which left her to fill that void of conversation.
“We know,” Regulus said, exhaling a deep sigh.
Dorcas was unaffected. She was glad Regulus had made her come.
“Oh my God,” she said quietly, remembering the actual reason they were there. “James Potter.”
“Dorcas, shut up.”
“Do you like him?” she asked, needing to know immediately.
“No.”
She wasn’t convinced, although she would find out if they were all getting drunk tonight. He always spilled information he wasn’t supposed to, just like Dorcas did. She embarrassed herself more often though.
Dorcas had bought a white mini skirt and a pink tank top that was bright but wasn’t quite neon. She had been subconsciously recreating a Barbie look, although she didn’t realize it until Pandora pointed it out.
“Maybe Marlene will be your Ken,” she said hopefully.
Dorcas put on shoes that made her slightly taller, although she wore them more for the way they looked and not the way they added height.
Pandora looked good in anything, but particularly the outfit she had just bought. It was a set that had a pair of light blue pants and a matching top that was basically just a bra. Her hair was it’s usual curly mess, if only messier than normal. It was an intentional chaos though, like she mussed it on purpose.
Regulus looked properly fantastic too, and Dorcas did eyeliner for him. He could say he didn’t care to impress James all he wanted, but he was the one who actively requested that they do his makeup. So.
***
James thought he was going to have an asthma attack, but in the best possible way.
He was absolutely positive that Regulus was doing this on purpose, trying to drive him absolutely mad. And it was working
The tank top? The jeans? The necklaces? The eyeliner?
Oh.
The eyeliner.
James very much liked the eyeliner. Really, he could live and die by the sight of Regulus wearing eyeliner alone, even that one tiny glimpse of him was enough. He had gotten all there was to get out of life.
James wanted more. Maybe that made him selfish, maybe that made him stupid, but enough wasn’t enough, it never would be.
“Prongs?” Sirius asked, showing up in front of him and waving his hands in front of his face.
Regulus had already passed by with his friends, probably in the direction of the Lions Head back room. Marlene had not shut up about Regulus’ friend, Dorcas. James saw it as a good sign, a sign she was done just running through every single woman she saw.
James understood, or he tried to anyway. Mary had really broken her heart, and it was just how Marlene had decided to cope.
“What?” he asked, acting as if he hadn’t been actively drooling over Sirius’ brother.
“Alright?”
“Yeah, everything’s fine.”
“Something catch your eye?” Peter asked because he wanted to ruin James’ life. That was dramatic. He loved Peter, he just hated how much he liked to tease James, particularly about this specific thing.
“Nope.”
“Nothing at all?”
Sirius was looking between the two of them, visibly confused. “What’s he talking about?”
Sometimes, only sometimes, James wished that Sirius was stupid. It was so hard, having a best friend who just knew everything. He didn’t even have to ask James if something was wrong to simply know if something was wrong.
Which was why James was petrified that Sirius was going to figure out exactly what was going on in his mind.
James, because he liked to avoid more difficult conversations, pretended like he heard someone calling his name. It was likely a horrible display of acting, and he hadn’t convinced a single person. But nobody stopped him either, and James got as far away from that room as he could.
And then he stopped because he saw Regulus laughing with Benjy. He was laughing. James had only made him laugh twice, and yes he was counting.
Regulus barely knew Benjy, as far as James knew. Why were they laughing together?
His fists clenched of their own accord, and never once had James felt negatively towards Benjy until that moment. He didn’t like it, he didn’t like that Benjy was standing so close to Regulus and that Regulus wasn’t actively pushing them away.
Fuck.
James was jealous.
This was all spiraling way quicker than he had meant for it to.
James stepped into the room, not caring if he was intruding, he wanted to be intrusive.
“Hi,” he said, making his presence known, waving slightly awkwardly.
Regulus’ smile dropped when he saw James, but Benjy was just as happy as before, and they greeted James just like they always did.
“Hey, James,” they said.
James did not think this far ahead, because now he had no idea what he was supposed to say. He just wanted to stop the both of them from laughing together, which was selfish and maybe a bit of an overstep on his part. He had no real claim over Regulus, even if he was making him feel all of these things that he had never felt before.
Regulus didn’t owe him anything.
“I just came to say hi,” he said, already starting to slowly back out of the room. Jealousy made people do weird things, James found out.
Every time he tried to meet Regulus’ eyes, he looked away. So he gathered his losses, said a quick goodbye, and tried to find an empty room as quickly as he could. His head was spinning a little bit. He had been jealous. That was…new for James.
A lot of things were new.
He had never really…
Fuck.
He didn’t even know how to explain it.
Objectively, James knew when people were pretty. All of his friends were pretty, and he tended to be a bit of a stuttering mess around them. The first time he met Marlene he was literally speechless. So James recognized attractiveness, he knew when people were hot. He did.
But had he ever really had a crush? Does acknowledging that somebody looks good mean you like them? It was how he had a girlfriend when in secondary school for a couple of months, he told her she was pretty and then she asked him out on a date. That was what he thought was supposed to happen, but he didn’t know if he ever really liked her.
All he knew was that he liked Regulus and he knew it was in a different way than he had ever liked anyone before. He knew it was also a horrible idea, but he was deciding to not dwell on that too much.
James needed to talk to Sirius, even if it was going to be a bit complicated, considering the circumstances. But still. Sirius would know what to say, he always knew what to say.
Lucky for him, Sirius came to find him quite quickly.
“Prongs?”
He hadn’t realized how confused he was until that moment. Sirius was pretty, he was fucking beautiful actually, so why had James never thought about him like this?
Without a word, Sirius came and gave him a hug that James melted into. Sirius let him, he took all of the stress and the feelings that James was carrying off of his shoulders for just a couple of seconds, holding the weight all by himself because he knew it was what James needed.
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know. I need… I need to talk, I think.”
James felt like he wanted to cry, like he needed to cry. Sirius would never judge him for it, but he just couldn’t. He didn’t know what he was upset about. He missed home and his parents, but that wasn’t exactly at the forefront of his mind. He had a crush on Regulus which wasn’t exactly upsetting.
So why did he want to cry? Why was there the urge to claw his eyes out and individually rip his hair from the roots?
“I’m listening.”
“I have feelings. For someone.”
Sirius blinked, and it made James realize that he had never done this. He had never just walked up to Sirius to talk to him about a crush. There had been a couple of girls he knew he was supposed to like, but it was never real for him. And Sirius would talk to him about different guys he met, about Remus more recently, but never the other way around.
“Okay,” he said with a nod, sitting on the couch. They probably didn’t have time for this, but apparently Sirius was going to be making the time. “And this is… good?”
James sat down next to him, letting out a dramatic sigh. “Yes. I think so. It’s just- Pads, I’ve never- I didn’t know- it’s new.”
“New?”
“New,” James confirmed. He didn’t know how else to describe it.
“New in what way? Like… a new type of person? Or?”
He knew what Sirius was trying to ask. He was trying to figure out if this was what Sirius called a ‘gay breakdown’. And, he supposed it was, just in a different way. He wasn’t having any trouble coming to terms with the fact that Regulus was a man, it wasn’t exactly surprising. James, in the back of his mind, had always known he was capable of loving anyone.
“No. I mean, yeah. It’s a he- He’s a he, but…”
“Okay, no I’ve been through this. It’s fine.”
He shook his head, knowing he wasn’t explaining himself well at all. “It isn’t about him. I mean it is, but… It’s about how I feel about him. It’s about me.”
“Prongs, mate. I love you, but I’m so confused right now.”
Sirius wouldn’t judge him, James had no reason to be scared. This was fine, even if it was new. New things were good.
“I like him, and it’s making me realize that I’ve never really liked anybody before.”
Saying it out loud was more of a relief than he thought it would be.
“Oh. New,” Sirius said, letting the information settle.
James supposed that with anybody else he would have been worried about their reaction. He didn’t really understand what was happening to him, just that it wasn’t very common. Sirius himself fell in love with everyone and anyone, or maybe he just pretended to.
Everything was just so confusing.
Sirius took a deep breath, then he nodded at James. “Okay, continue.”
“Continue?” What else was there to say.
“Yeah. Talk, rant, whatever you need to do.”
“I need you to tell me what’s wrong with me.”
“Nothing,” Sirius responded immediately.
James deflated a little bit, a part of him hoping that Sirius would just say something like ‘you’re a freak get over this’. He should have known better than to expect that from Sirius.
“I just mean… It’s different, Sirius. I’m different.”
“You’re James.”
“Yeah, but… I mean even the way I love is complicated-”
“No,” Sirius interrupted.
“Let me say this.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re going to say something stupid. There is nothing complicated about your love, James. Okay? You have the most pure heart out of everyone I’ve ever met, you love unconditionally. And it’s fine, if this is the first time you’ve ever liked someone. It’s normal.”
“It’s not normal,” James argued. Everyone else just seemed to know, they knew who they loved, they knew what love felt like. James wasn’t going to pretend he didn’t know love, he loved his family, his friends, and he knew they loved him back.
“Does it need to be?”
“I just don’t want it; real, romantic love, to be different for me than it is for other people.”
“Love is different for everyone.”
“Maybe.”
Sirius rested his head on James’ shoulder. “Prongs?”
“Padfoot.”
“There… I don't want to say this if it won’t help.”
“Say what?”
“There might be a word for what you’re experiencing.”
James smiled a little. “What? Like ‘gay breakdown’?”
Sirius laughed, shaking against James’ shoulder. “That’s one way to explain it, yes.”
“And the other way?”
Sirius lifted his head. “It’s something Pete was telling me about. And, I’m not saying it’s you, I’m just saying it sounds a lot like it could be.”
“Okay, content warning over and done with,” James said. They needed to finish getting ready for the show, but James was more focused on the conversation. If Sirius had a way to describe what was happening to James, then he was more than willing to hear it.
“Have you heard of demisexuality?” Had he heard of it? Yes. Did he know what it meant? No, James had absolutely no idea, and so that was what he told Sirius. “It’s sort of where someone doesn’t experience that initial attraction, not until you really get to know someone. I mean, that’s the basis of it anyway, Pete explains it a lot better than I do.”
James would be lying if he said that everything immediately clicked into place, but the fog that was clouding his brain lifted, and he was going to enjoy these small moments of peace when they came.
***
Benjy was cooler than Regulus thought. He had never really thought about them, not in any context other than being part of the opening act. But they were funny and more laid back than some of the other people Regulus had met so far on this tour.
“Marlene said you were writing us a song?”
Regulus smiled despite himself. He was slightly intoxicated (not drunk, which he felt the need to point out) and the reminder that he was getting back to doing the things he really enjoyed just made him happy. “Not exactly.”
“Close enough, no?” they said, leaning against the table.
Here’s the thing, Regulus knew when people were flirting with him. It happened often enough that he was able to recognize the signs pretty easily, it was especially obvious in the body language and the tone someone used.
With that said, he could tell that Benjy was flirting, and he didn’t care. In fact he accepted it as openly as he possibly could.
“It’s just the music.”
Regulus didn’t do humblebrag. He was very aware of all of his achievements, and he would accept the proper praise that came with those, even if he didn’t do so very well. But he didn’t like to take credit for things he didn’t do.
“Would you play me something?”
He couldn’t help it, he laughed. It was ridiculous, one of his wrists was broken, wrapped in a literal cast, and Benjy was asking if he was able to play something. Before he could even tell them how that would never work, considering his circumstances, James walked in.
He was clearly dressed for the show, although they weren’t going as far out as they had for the Miami show. Less makeup, less hair gel, just less. Still, James seemed to look good no matter what, which was infuriating.
The only thing that made it slightly better was that he seemed slightly disarmed by Regulus’ appearance, which definitely wasn’t the point. When getting ready he had put absolutely no thought into how James would react.
Regulus was lying to himself.
He decided to not think about that.
Whatever James’ reason for coming into the room, it wasn’t very important. He left as quickly as he arrived, leaving Benjy and Regulus alone in the room again.
“You never answered my question.”
“Benjy, I literally cannot,” he told them. Benjy must have been drunk too, or high, because they did not seem to understand that Regulus literally was physically incapable of playing anything. He could try to play the piano one handed, but it wouldn’t sound like he wanted it to.
“Why not?” they pouted.
Regulus lifted his left arm a little, Benjy drew his attention to it.
“Oh, well when that heals, then?”
Regulus highly doubted he would still be on tour by the time his arm healed, in fact he only had a couple of days left anyway. But, a little lie never hurts anyone.
“Sure, when it heals,” he promised.
Marlene walked into the room, a strong blush on her cheeks that she clearly hadn’t meant for anyone to see. It was too late though, and Regulus knew exactly who the reason behind the blush was. He was absolutely going to be teasing Dorcas for this.
“Are you okay?” Benjy asked her.
“How’s Dorcas?” Regulus said innocently.
Marlene narrowed her gaze at him. “How could you not tell me about her?”
“I don’t make it a habit to play matchmaker.”
“Well you should. Really, if all of your friends are that beautiful.”
They were. Dorcas and Pandora, even Barty and Evan, although Regulus would never tell them that in a million years. All of his friends were gorgeous, which was actually a little bit unfair.
Regulus had to leave the room after a couple of minutes because his phone just kept going off. It didn’t make any sense really, everyone he talked to was at the venue, they could have just come and found him. He waited until he was in a mostly secluded section of hallway, only to find that the number that kept calling him wasn’t even a saved one.
774-288-9098
Still, he would recognize it anywhere.
There was a reason it wasn’t saved anymore.
His phone started ringing again.
774-288-9098
He didn’t answer it, and just stared at the missed call notifications, a bit frozen.
They had a deal. Regulus sent them money, they never spoke to him. It worked.
Had he missed a payment? He couldn’t have, he had just sent one a couple of weeks ago, at the beginning of the month.
774-288-9098
774-288-9098
774-288-9098
Again and again.
Something inside of him pressed the answer button, some part that still loved them, a part that hoped they loved him. Regulus had never been one for wishful thinking, this was why.
“Hello?” he said, his voice a bit tight as he put the phone up to his ear. He found himself wishing that Sirius was there, he was always better at dealing with their parents. Regulus always gave in.
“Regulus Arcturus!” his mother said angrily.
Fucking fantastic. What had he even done?
“Hi,” he said again. He hated how small he felt whenever he spoke to them, like everything he had built for himself, everything he had done, was just gone. He was seven years old, hiding under the staircase after spilling a glass of milk. He was fourteen years old, crying after he had been caught with a boy in his room, he had learned his lesson after that. He was sixteen years old, taking the beatings in Sirius’ place, bearing the front of their anger all alone.
“You had one fucking job, you know that, don’t you?”
“It’s just a bone,” he said. Really, he could go back to dancing in a couple of weeks if he wanted. Although, losing all of this time and all of this practice was only going to hurt him, he was never going to be how he was before.
“I’m not talking about that,” Walburga said coldly.
“Then what?”
“Do you even check your email? Does your manager not tell you anything?”
Regulus had no idea what he could have done, and why his mom was so upset about it. He was an adult, he had his own life separate from them.
“My manager is great, thanks.” He would not be letting them talk bad about Dorcas, not when she was one of the only good things in the stupid fucking world of ballet.
“Check your email, Regulus. Now.”
He did, because of course he did. He was weak and he was confused and his mother was yelling at him as if he were a child again, as if no time had passed since the last time they spoke. And Regulus checked his email because he was still right under their thumb, he was a fool to think he had ever really gotten out.
His email was a disaster. He hadn’t been checking it at all, he wasn’t working so what was the point? Apparently, there was one.
He clicked on the first one, which was a link to a magazine that had a bolder headline, one that caught his attention immediately.
Principal Dancer, Regulus Black, Caught Kissing a Man in Crowded Miami Club
Fuck.
One job.
That was what his mother said. Don’t let them find out you’re gay. Well, she said it in much harsher words, but he did not like to remember those. He had never intentionally led people to believe he was straight, he didn’t get ‘caught’ photographed on a date with a girl, Dorcas would never allow something like that. The public just assumed, which was their own fault.
He danced ballet, was it really a surprise he was gay?
But… This was not good. There was a reason he also didn’t get photographed with men, a reason he made them sign NDA’s. They would not like this.
The picture was blurry, and at the very least it was impossible to tell that the other guy was Barty, not that he’d even care. He prided himself on being a quote ‘equal opportunist’, and he was hardly shy about it.
Not that many people knew Regulus was gay, just his close friends. He didn’t go around advertising it, really it was no-one’s business but his own. So, this was going to shake things up in a way he was not at all prepared for.
Popular ballet dancer, Regulus Black, recently fell on stage and got injured. During the time he should be spending resting, he’s traipsing along the coast of Florida and making out with men. Is our favorite ballerino secretly gay?
Sources tell us that there was more than one man Regulus was with that night, which makes us wonder what is really going on. Is his wrist injury just a ruse so that he could party?
One thing’s for sure, women everywhere are mourning the loss of Regulus Black as a bachelor. We suppose there is always his brother, rockstar Sirius Black, as an option.
-Rita Skeeter for the Hogwarts Post
“Fuck.”
Walburga was still on the phone, but Regulus wasn’t sure he had the courage to lift it back up. It had been really bad, explosive even, when his mom caught him with a boy by the name of Frank. He still had a scar from that fight, in fact, even Sirius couldn’t help him.
From then on, as far as his parents were concerned, Regulus was straight. He never brought a guy around again, even platonically. It was too risky.
If he thought he was fucked before, it was nothing compared to now. There were no places that would hire him now. Even though a large majority of principal dancers were gay in some way, there was a more powerful majority of homophobes running the whole thing.
Hesitantly, he brought the phone back up, Walburga yelling the entire time about how bad he fucked up. He knew that though; he was well aware of exactly what was going to happen. He didn’t need his mother to explain it to him. Regulus wasn’t a child, and he hadn’t been for a very long time.
“You know we need that money for your fathers bills! And here you are just throwing it all away to be a …”
Regulus hung up before she finished her sentence; he knew how it was going to end anyway.
First thing was finding Barty. He didn’t care about much, and he probably wouldn’t care about this. But just to be sure.
Fuck.
His body was trembling all over, he could barely find the motor function to slip his phone into his back pocket. This was not good. Did Dorcas know about it? How had she not told him? He needed to find Barty. He needed to talk to Dorcas, and to Sirius.
He needed… Fuck. What did he need?
Breathe.
Breathe.
Regulus sat back down, curling up a little bit and trying to count the seconds.
Inhale
1,2,3,4,5,6,7
The whole world knew now. There was no more hiding, no more lying.
Exhale
1,2,3,4,5
Ballet was over for him. His whole life was just swept away in a singular moment. One tiny (and literally platonic) kiss with Barty had done that.
Barty.
Shit, he needed to find him.
Has the show started? Was he already working?
“Reg?”
There, standing in the doorway, was none other than James Potter. Why did he always have to see him when he was at his worst?
“Go away.” His voice did not sound as steady as he wanted it to.
“Pandora said she couldn’t find you, so I came…”
“Potter, I said leave.”
James didn’t listen, which shouldn’t have been a surprise, but it was. Regulus was mean, especially when he was trying to gather his bearings.
“I’m not just going to leave you like this,” he said, coming to sit next to Regulus. On the floor, as if it was the most natural thing for the two of them. Wisely, James kept his distance, leaving enough space so that he wouldn’t actually touch him.
He put his head between his legs.
Breathe.
Breathe.
“Breathe.”
It took him a while to figure out the mantra was coming from James, who was doing breathing exercises, trying to coach Regulus through them. They were working too, and Regulus only paid attention to the sound of his voice.
He hated James.
“Breathe.”
Regulus didn’t want to lift his head back up. He didn’t want to have to look at James, acknowledge the fact that he was there, that he knew how to calm someone down from a panic attack. He wanted to crawl inside of his own body, flip a switch, and sleep for a very long time.
After a couple minutes of silence, of breathing, Regulus finally spoke. “Don’t you have to be on stage.”
“Lion’s Head hasn’t even started yet.”
He sighed, lifting his head finally and leaning it against the wall. He looked like a mess, he was sure of it. His eyeliner was probably smudged, and his eyes were no doubt red. Plus, he was well on his way to being drunk, which didn’t help anything.
“I’m fine. You can go.” James smiled, the bastard, and cocked his head to the side, observing Regulus a bit too much for his liking. “What?”
“Nothing.”
“Potter.”
“It’s a bit inappropriate considering the circumstances.”
He raised an eyebrow, not able to help being intrigued. “You don’t even know what the circumstances are,” Regulus pointed out. James had no idea why he was huddled in a ball on the floor, he could be going through withdrawal for all James knew.
“Well, okay. I was going to say you look well and properly fucked.”
And…
There was just…There was something about the way he said it that made Regulus’ stomach drop. Had he ever heard James swear before? How was he meant to even stand up now? He felt so weak, if he were to stand he was positive his legs would wobble.
“I was just having a panic attack and you say that?”
James started laughing, his eyes crinkling up at the corners. “Well I told you it was inappropriate!” he defended, and soon Regulus was laughing with him. It was ridiculous, but James did give him fair warning, so.
“Do you want me to get someone?” James asked.
“No, just…just go get ready for the show.”
“Love, in case it wasn’t obvious, I’m not leaving you alone.”
“I’m an adult.”
“I know.”
Regulus had no plans to back down, but neither did James, and he held his eye contact. For a moment, Regulus forgot what he was fighting against, all he could think about was the warm and inviting quality to James’ eyes. They were so open, Regulus wanted to crawl directly inside of them, see the world from James’ perspective.
“Do you know where Barty is?”
James faltered, which meant Regulus won the competition that they probably weren’t even having. “He’s working.”
“I need to talk to him.”
***
Marlene was nervous. Oh, it had been a long time since she had felt nerves like this. Most girls she just… Well, to put it bluntly, she just slept with them. At least recently.
But, Dorcas? She was different. She was beautiful and she was a bit clumsy around Marlene, but she found it endearing. And she was stable, and she made Marlene laugh.
All of this comes to mean that Marlene needs to properly romance her, something that she hasn’t done since Mary. It wasn’t going to be easy, the show ended late and most everything would be closed, and there was the fact that they were both already a little bit drunk.
One thing that Marlene was sure about though? She would not be sleeping with Dorcas Meadowes that night. Sex ruined everything when it was so early, and as attracted as she was to her, it couldn’t be about that. Marlene wanted to change, she wanted to form real emotional connections again, even if it was terrifying.
“You are so embarrassing,” Alice told her. Marlene had been fretting about her appearance more than she ever had before. She was going on stage, she was going to get hot and sweat, how she looked now was not how she was going to look in thirty minutes.
“Shut up and help me.”
Alice shook her head. “You’re on your own.”
Going on stage hardly ever made Marlene nervous anymore. Once she realized that nobody cared that much about the opening act, she let herself open up more, try out new things, interact with the crowd, she got more confidence from it all. Tonight? Completely different story.
She spent five minutes trying to pick between three almost identical shades of red lipstick, and Benjy very bluntly told her she was being ridiculous. They were right, she was doing too much, but what else was she supposed to do?
“I need a shot,” she announced. Benjy had basically been holding the bottle of vodka hostage from her, but one more shot wouldn’t hurt. In fact, it could only help.
“You’ve had enough.”
“I’m going to throw up on you,” she told them. Her stomach was in knots, the kind that only a handle of vodka could untangle for her.
They blinked in a bit of confusion. “You are so weird,” they announced.
“Seconded,” Emmeline said from the couch. She was on her phone, smiling at it every once in a while. Marlene was almost positive she was texting Mary, it didn’t make her as jealous as it used to.
“Are you going to serenade her with love songs?” Alice teased.
I’m going to write so many love songs about her , Marlene thought. She would too, Dorcas deserved a million love songs filled with the most cliche things that are only cute when you’re actually in love.
Alice picked out a lipstick for Marlene, finally deciding to be helpful.
“I’m going to have the light tech shine a spotlight on her while I sing Love of my Life ,” Marlene announced, barely even kidding.
“Queen is not our vibe,” Benjy said.
“Fuck you, it totally is,” she said, although a part of her knew they were right. That song wouldn’t fit anywhere in their set list seamlessly.
———
Truthfully, Marlene had been joking about serenading Dorcas. But the moment she stepped on stage, her eyes locked with hers immediately, and it was hard to look away. They weren't in the front row, and they were actually to the side a little bit. Vaguely she remembered something about Regulus hating crowds, which explained why they secluded themselves.
The best part though? Dorcas was staring back. The entire time. She never looked at Alice, or Benjy, or Emmeline. No, her eyes stayed glued to Marlene, even when Marlene had to force herself to look elsewhere.
The urge to join Dorcas directly after she got off stage was very strong, but Marlene waited. She was going to let Dorcas watch the rest of the concert and she was going to be patient about it. She was going to drink some water, sober up a little bit before she took her out.
Marlene was going to do it right.
Dorcas did not want to let her.
Not even ten minutes after she got off stage, Dorcas was knocking on the door to the room they had claimed. They were trying to clean some stuff up so that janitors didn’t have to deal with their mess, but Marlene was very easily sidetracked.
She opened the door to see Dorcas standing there.
“Can I kiss you?” she asked, her voice slightly breathless.
Marlene could only nod, she was a bit frozen. It didn’t matter though, Dorcas took charge and pulled her close, kissing her. She kissed her as if Marlene was air and she was suffocating, and Marlene was prepared to let Dorcas drain her of all the oxygen in her body.
Marlene kissed back, forgetting about her bandmates in the room, forgetting about wanting to take it slow. She wrapped her arms around Dorcas’ waist, tugging her closer this time, and Dorcas’ hands went to Marlene’s hair automatically, running her fingers through it.
She never wanted to break the trance she was in, but Benjy was evil.
“Hi, sorry. I don’t watch girl on girl porn. Thanks though,” they said after a fake coughing fit. It made Alice and Emmeline laugh, but Marlene didn’t care.
Dorcas pulled back first, a giddy smile on her face, ignoring Benjy completely.
Good, they deserve it .
“I’m sorry,” Dorcas said, as if she would ever need to apologize for that. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
Marlene didn’t say anything at first, and she walked a couple of steps forward, pressing a small, light kiss to Dorcas’ lips, walking her backwards until they were out of the room. Her friends were nosy.
“Don’t apologize.” She took a step back, not giving in to temptation. She was going to do this right, even if it killed her. And after that…display of affection, Marlene was not sure how long she would last.
“You were incredible, by the way,” Dorcas said, dropping it casually, breathing a bit heavily. Marlene knew the feeling. “It’s why I had to come find you right away.”
Marlene knew she was blushing, and she was smiling so wide, but she didn’t care if it was embarrassing, it was just exactly how she was feeling. “So, you’re not staying for the rest of the show?”
Dorcas smiled with her. “Oh, I am. You’re coming with me.”
She held out her hand, waiting for Marlene to grab it, and really she had no other choice but to do so. She couldn’t imagine a world where she would deny Dorcas, and the smile she received was worth everything.
Marlene had never watched a Marauders show from the crowd, but the energy was very different than watching it from the wings. People were chanting their names, a bunch of girls were asking Sirius to marry them (imagine the disappointment when they find out he’s gay), and some people were just yelling nothing, clearly excited. All of this and they weren’t even on stage yet.
Dorcas’ friend, Pandora, didn’t join them in the middle of the crowd, electing to stay with Regulus. He gave her a look, one that she interpreted to mean ‘don’t fuck this up’. Marlene had no plans of doing that though, he had nothing to worry about.
“Are they any good live?” Dorcas asked, having to yell a little bit. Marlene noted that she had yet to let go of her hand.
Marlene smiled, happy to brag about some of her best friends. “They’re incredible. Have you listened to them?”
Dorcas looked around, as if she were making sure nobody was around to hear her divulge a secret. They were in the middle of almost 3,000 people, nobody was paying them any attention anyway. “Don’t tell Regulus, but yes. All the time.”
Marlene’s jaw dropped. “You’re a fan? A secret fan?”
Dorcas nodded, looking like she was happy to finally admit it. Marlene was hit with the feeling that Dorcas was absolutely incredible. She was a fan of her best friend’s brother’s band, and she had never told anybody before Marlene.
During the show, Dorcas really let loose. She probably had more to drink, if Marlene was guessing, but she kept her hold on Marlene’s hand almost the whole time, jumping up and down, doing spins, spinning Marlene, all of it. She had never had so much fun at a concert, and she caught James’ eye at some point. He only winked at her before going back to openly staring at Regulus.
They were both a mess, but it didn’t matter. They were happy and they were in way over their heads.
Dorcas sang loudly, and she sang to Marlene, and she was lovely. Marlene was scared.
“Holy shit!” Dorcas said loudly when the band left the stage. Everyone around them seemed to be in the same state, a bit in awe, and a bit high from the adrenaline. Marlene was high on Dorcas and Dorcas only.
***
Regulus waited at the venue while everybody else left. He told nobody what he was doing, he just told them that he’d meet up with them later. Barty and Evan had to wait until everyone was out of the building, which meant Regulus did too.
The show had been a lot. It was crowded and hot and sweaty and Regulus wanted to crawl out of his own skin. Pandora had tried to get him to loosen up, but nothing really seemed to be able to distract him. Only when…he hated that this was true, but only when James was paying attention to him. He hadn’t expected for it to be so distracting, actually. But he was drunk and her was taking anything to get his mind off of what was going on.
“You’re still here?” Evan asked, finding Regulus waiting in one of the rooms backstage, the room he knew they would be coming in eventually.
Evan started getting changed almost immediately, putting on a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants.
“I need to talk to Barty.”
Evan seemed to tense a little bit. “Oh?”
Regulus’ jaw dropped, he understood body language. “You knew?” he asked.
Evan turned around, already holding his hands up in defense. “Okay, I just found out this morning. We didn’t want to freak you out.”
“Too fucking late. You know my mom called me?”
“Walburga?” Regulus didn’t even bother with an answer, because yes, obviously Walburga. He didn’t have any other mother’s, at least not to his knowledge. “Right. Well, I’m sorry.”
“Not your fault.”
Evan sat down next to him, sharing the misery with him for just a couple of moments. “How bad?”
“Pretty bad.”
“Shit.”
Barty walked in right after that, his usually constant smile dropping a little when he saw just how miserable the two of them looked. He looked at Evan first, probably searching for confirmation that this was exactly what he thought it was.
All that he needed was the small nod from Evan before he was moving, sitting down on the other side of Regulus and resting his head on his shoulder. Regulus hated being touched, Barty and Evan were different, they always had been.
“I’m sorry, babes. We shouldn’t have done that,” Barty said, sounding genuinely apologetic. Regulus didn’t know how to tell him it wasn’t his fault, that Regulus didn’t blame him. He didn’t blame anyone other than himself.
He didn’t know what to say, but he didn’t even have to try. They already knew, they could tell what he was thinking before he did, they just knew almost everything about him. In all of the years he had known Barty and Evan, he had never tried to lie to them. It would have been fruitless, they were incredibly socially aware, even when they were a bit oblivious at times.
“I’m literally unemployed,” he said after a while, the full reality hitting him. He had no job, he didn’t even have any job prospects anymore. All of this because he forgot to eat one day a week ago. It was crazy how things could change so quickly, how small decisions could lead to big consequences. It made his stomach turn in the worst possible way.
“Just move in with us,” Evan told him.
Regulus’ ears perked up a little bit. “Us?” he asked. Regulus already knew, of course he knew, he was just waiting for them to confirm it.
Barty ruffled his hair, shoving him to the side a little bit. “Wanker, don’t make us say it.”
Regulus smiled. “You have to, I’m upset.”
Evan and Barty shared a look over Regulus, probably silently communicating something. He had been waiting for this day for almost four years, he could wait just a couple more minutes.
“Regulus, we have something to tell you,” Evan said, fully taking on a serious voice. He expected dramatics, this was far from a shock to him anyway.
“Well? I’m listening.”
Barty shook his shoulders rather aggressively, kneeling on the couch to get a better angle. “I’m dating Evan Rosier!” he yelled, overly excited about it, his glee making Regulus laugh as he got shook back and forth.
“Fucking finally.”
Evan was blushing, but he was just as happy about Barty’s deceleration, if not more so.
“Oh fuck,” Barty said suddenly, looking at Evan with wide eyes, almost in fear.
“What?”
Barty put a hand over his mouth, looking between Evan and Regulus for a moment. “What are we supposed to do when we get married?”
Evan started coughing, not expecting Barty to say that. Apparently they hadn’t yet reached the marriage/wedding part of their relationship. Still, Regulus found it all very amusing.
“What?”
Barty didn’t even blink at Evan’s reaction, still mulling over something in his head. “He can’t be both of our best man’s.”
Evan straightened up. “He’s mine,” he said, clearly not willing to waver in his decision.
Barty’s jaw dropped. “What? No. We were each other’s first love, he should be my best man.”
“He was my best friend first,” Evan countered.
Ridiculous. They were arguing about who was going to get him in the wedding that they hadn’t even talked about before.
“Well he’s both of our best friends now. I win.”
Evan blinked. “No, absolutely not. You can’t have your first love be your best man. That goes against some sort of moral code.”
Barty grinned. “Aww, are you jealous?”
“Fuck off.”
“You’re jealous.”
“I’m going to kill you before we ever even get married.”
“Do it.”
Regulus stood up, cutting off their conversation. He no longer wanted to be in the middle of their pre marital argument. He had a solution anyway.
“Dorcas and Pandora. Done,” he said.
Barty and Evan stared at him for a moment, disbelief evident on their faces.
“Go fuck yourself,” Barty said.
“No fucking way.”
“What?”
“You think you’re going to get away with just sitting around on your lazy arse during our wedding?” Evan said.
Barty gasped, pointing at Evan. “He could officiate!”
“Are you guys even getting married?”
Evan shrugged. “Yeah, one day.”
Barty sat up a bit straighter, turning his body and trying to block Regulus out of the conversation completely. “Evan, bro.”
“Did you just call me bro?”
“Yes. Why?”
“Because that’s ridiculous.”
“No, it isn’t.”
“We’re literally dating.”
“You’re still my bro. Can I get back to my point now?”
“As you were,” Evan said with a nod.
“James Potter will be my best man.” Regulus openly gaped. First of all, fuck no. He was going to be both of their best man’s and that was just how it was going to have to be. “Reg will be yours. People always have sex at weddings too, it’s foolproof.”
“Barty? Shut the fuck up,” Regulus said.
They were both grinning now, as if it wasn’t ludicrous to choose a best man based on how much sex you wanted other people to have at your wedding.
“Are you saying you don’t want to fuck James?” Evan asked.
“I don’t.”
“Real convincing,” Barty mused.
“I hate you both. Aren’t you supposed to be comforting me?”
“I bet James could comfort you.”
Regulus did not mention that he had literally already done that, he would never be able to live that down now, not after this disaster of a conversation.
“I hope you guys have a miserable rest of your life together.”
Barty stood up, giving Regulus a tight hug as if he had said something sweet to them. “Oh, Reggie, we love you too.”
Evan joined the hug too, the both of them just squeezing Regulus. It was a bit comforting, but he didn’t say that and instead just let it happen.
They had another conversation around Regulus again, but this time he didn’t mind.
“Evan? We are totally getting married, by the way.”
He could practically feel Evan’s grin. “Yeah, okay,” he agreed softly.
***
James decided he didn’t like labels. At least, not for himself
Why did it even matter?
He liked what he liked, he loved who he loved, and he felt no need to try and find what box he fit in. It helped a little, to know there were words to describe what he was feeling, but none of them felt right. The only person who needed to understand James was James, he didn’t need to describe himself as a word for the sake of everyone else.
It was late, a little bit past 2am, and James decided he needed a cigarette. The hotel they were staying in had balconies, so he just planned to step out there for a couple of minutes, enjoy the cool Tampa breeze and clear his mind.
That didn’t work very well when he looked to his left and saw Regulus sitting out on his balcony. His mind was not clear after that.
He was smoking too, and he looked like he had been out there for a while. Whatever had been going on earlier was probably still bothering him. James didn’t know if it would be more help if he was there or not.
“Hey,” he called out before he could think too hard about it. Besides, Regulus would tell him if he didn’t want him there or not.
Regulus’ head didn’t even turn in his direction, but he did acknowledge James. “Hi,” he said, bringing the cigarette back to his mouth. James noticed there was a whole pack of them on the table. Was he chain smoking?
“Do you want some company?”
It was dark, so maybe he was imagining it, but Regulus looked like he nodded his head. Still, James waited for further confirmation, trying not to jump to conclusions. He still couldn’t explain the feeling he got by just being around Regulus, just that it made his stomach swoop and his heart race.
“Door is unlocked.”
James was off of his own balcony and out of his room quicker than he even thought possible. He didn’t want Regulus to change his mind, he wanted to spend as much time as possible just being around him. Regulus’ door was unlocked, which James thought was literally stupid. Who leaves their hotel room unlocked when they’re on the balcony?
Actually, he posed this question to Regulus when he walked out there, before he got distracted. He had showered, and there wasn't eyeliner on his face anymore. His hair looked so soft though, James just wanted to reach out and touch it, to run his fingers through it.
“Pandora forgot her key, I just left it open for her,” he explained, tapping out the ashes on his cigarette. His attention was still focused upwards, probably more on the individual stars than the sky as a whole. It was something he caught Sirius doing from time to time.
Regulus offered him his cigarette.
His cigarette. The one he was smoking.
James tried not to let his hands shake as he took it, his fingers lightly brushing against Regulus’.
Regulus’ mouth had been on this. His mouth.
He really needed to get a hold of himself.
“Finish it,” he said after James took a hit. “I need to stop anyway.”
The silence that followed felt heavy. There was something that was clearly weighing Regulus down, and James had no idea what he could do to help. He didn’t want to overstep, but he wanted Regulus to know he could talk to him, that James would listen without judgement. He just wanted to be there for him, he wanted to shoulder some of the weight for him, help make the load a bit lighter.
Before he could say any of that though, Regulus made up his mind.
“I want vodka. Do you want vodka?” he asked, standing up.
James took another hit of the cigarette, blowing it out as he looked up at Regulus. “You have vodka?”
He nodded. “I always do.”
They went inside, although they kept the door open to allow a nice breeze to sweep past him. James had been planning to sit on the other bed, to give Regulus space, but he just told him to sit down on his. In his suitcase was a three quarter full handle of vodka.
He took a swig straight from the bottle, sitting down next to James, making the bed bounce as he did so. Their knees knocked together, and James tried not to hyperfixate on it when Regulus handed him the bottle.
“Drink up, Potter.”
So, he did.
Regulus turned on some music, giving James a small glimpse into his mind. Really, he had expected something classical or from the ballet, but he turned on a bunch of seventies music, Queen, Bowie, T.Rex. And it impressed James more than it should have. He loved seventies music. Did Regulus know that?
“I like this song,” James remarked when Star Star came on.
Regulus nodded, drinking just as much as James was. “Sirius showed me it. When we were younger.”
Honey, honey, call me on the telephone
I know you're movin' out to Hollywood
With your can of tasty foam
All those beat up friends of mine
Got to get you in their books
Lead guitars and movie stars
Get their tongues beneath your hood
“Did you enjoy the show?” he asked after a while. They had probably gone through a quarter of the bottle already.
He was drunk. Fuck, he hadn’t meant to drink that much.
“No.”
James tried not to let that make him sad, but he always wanted people to enjoy their concerts. It wasn’t weird that he wanted Regulus to have a good time too.
“Why not?”
Regulus sighed. “Oh, stop pouting, big baby. It had nothing to do with the actual show.”
Regulus was drunk too, the thought comforted James a bit too much. If they were in this, then they were in it together.
“It didn’t?”
“No.”
“Then… Then why?”
Regulus pulled out his phone, and James thought he just wasn’t going to answer him until he basically shoved it in his face, pulling up an article from online. It took a couple of seconds for his eyes to focus, but once they did…
James was angry.
He was angry with whoever thought it was okay to take a photo of Regulus without his permission, to write a homophobic article about him and to ruin his night.
Rita Skeeter
James was going to remember that name.
“That’s why,” Regulus said, grabbing his phone back before he even got to read anything other than the intro. Probably for the best, James tended to overreact when he was angry and drunk. He must have been too silent for too long, because Regulus waved his hand in front of his face, shifting his position so that he was kneeling in front of him. “James?”
He blinked, looking up to meet Regulus’ eyes. Oh how we adored them. They were blue, and they were gray, and they were cold and James wanted to drown in them. James had never had a favorite color, he was never able to choose, but he was almost certain he was just waiting until he found this particular shade of blue. They were stormy and they were icy and they were blue.
“Sorry.”
“Sorry?”
“About all of it.”
Regulus shrugged, leaning back on his heels and taking another shot straight from the bottle. The only chaser they had was water, and Regulus didn’t even use it.
“It’s whatever.”
“It’s not. You don’t need to just brush it off.”
Regulus held his eyes, and James saw the way they shifted. From neutrality to rage. He wasn’t angry with James, he knew that.
“It’s fucked up, you know? And, now I can’t get a job, my reputation is somehow worse, my mom is being a total fucking bitch. Which, isn’t anything new but fuck me i hate her. I fucking hate her.”
James had never seen anybody be so calmly angry, and he had never seen Regulus be so careless with his words before. Regulus was just talking to get the words out, for once not thinking too hard beforeHe found it hot, and he recognized that it was something he should not have found hot.
Regulus cocked his head to the side a little, still looking at James. “You keep staring at me.”
“Yeah,” James said softly. He couldn’t deny it, not when it was true, and not when he wanted nothing more than to just tell him the truth. Admitting that he had a crush though, well it would do more harm than good.
Regulus drew his lips in, eyes flicking all over James’ face. They should not have had that much to drink. “Well stop.”
James shook his head, a bit amused. “I don’t think I can.”
Regulus pouted a little bit, James wanted to kiss him. He didn’t think he had ever felt such a strong urge to kiss someone before, to feel their lips, and to hold their face, and to just kiss them with no other intentions.
He just wanted a taste.
Was that so bad?
“I’m drunk,” Regulus announced, as if James wasn’t already fully aware of that fact. It was why he was clenching his fists, refraining from touching, from tasting, from feeling. All of it. Regulus was drunk and James still had half his mind left and he would never take advantage of it.
“You are,” James agreed, blatantly staring at Regulus’ lips for a longer time than was appropriate.
“I don’t make good decisions on vodka.”
“I understand.”
Regulus moved forward a little bit, his hand raising to James’ face. James froze, letting Regulus do whatever he wanted, he would always let him do whatever he wanted.
He reached for James' glasses fixing them because they were apparently too crooked for his liking. He let his hand rest on James’ cheek for a moment. It was cold against warm, James would have let Regulus freeze him to the core if it meant he would never move his hand.
Still, James didn’t move. He didn’t want to take advantage of Regulus, not when he so clearly told James he didn’t want him to.
James clenched his hands against the blanket even harder.
Don’t touch. It’s not yours to touch.
Regulus dropped his hand abruptly. “I think you should leave.”
He took a shaky deep breath. “Yeah, I should.”
Neither of them moved. James didn’t want to break the bubble they had created. He didn’t want the 2am vodka induced state to disappear, he wanted to stay in it forever, stay here and have hushed conversations with Regulus forever.
“I need a cigarette,” Regulus announced, rolling out of the bed and crossing the room.
James waited a moment to join him, trying to calm down. It was embarrassing how easy Regulus could affect him. He was completely at his mercy.
He joined him out on the balcony for just one more cigarette before Pandora came back. She wouldn’t tell either of them where she went, but James was pretty sure it was just because he was there and she didn’t want to tell a stranger.
After a small internal debate, James bid them both goodnight and went back to his room, for once letting himself linger on thoughts of Regulus. How close he had been, how cold he was, how soft he looked, how good he smelled.
Oh, Regulus smelled good. Abit like mint, sandalwood, and hints of something sweeter that James was dying to figure out. The sweetness wasn’t overpowering, almost not there at all, but it was there. James had smelled it, and he kept replaying it in his head, trying to get the answer.
James did not get much sleep that night.