Drawstrings
Backstage was a different kind of energy. There was usually a bit of a nervous buzz, a low ringing of anxiety and excitement bounding off of all of them. For once though, it was centered in mostly one spot, and it was impossible not to notice it.
“You’re nervous,” James teased, poking Sirius’ cheek and trying to get him to smile, loosen up, anything that would help them bring their ‘A Game’ for the show. If one of them wasn’t their best, then none of them were at their best, and both Sirius and Remus were off that night.
“I’m not,” he said, swatting away James’ hand when he normally would not have cared.
“You are.”
“No, I’m not,” Sirius said again.
James was smiling like mad. He knew for sure the moment Sirius sought out Regulus before the show, making sure he would actually be watching. It was a fair thing to be worried about, since Regulus hadn’t been to any of their shows and they couldn’t be sure that he wouldn’t just ditch them, but James was convinced he would be there, he had faith.
“You are, it’s cute,” James told him.
They were getting their in-ears put in, the things that helped them hear their own voices as well as get the timing right on their instruments. James’ were hot pink, and he smiled when he realized it matched his outfit that night.
Truthfully, he hadn’t been too sure about the shirt, not until he caught Regulus openly staring at his arms earlier. Yeah, that was probably when the confidence kicked in and he decided that he looked good.
He sighed dramatically. “He’s never seen me perform before,” he said, slightly quieter. Peter and Remus were a bit further away, taking shots of Pink Whitney and talking about how much they knew they were going to regret it later, so they weren’t even paying attention.
Although, it was possible Remus could hear them anyway. His hearing was inhuman sometimes, he could hear things from rooms away and would just blame it on them for talking too loud.
“Ever?” James asked. There had to have been at least one time, even if it was just Sirius alone in his room.
He shook his head. “No. I mean, he would never sneak out with me when we were in school, and he’s been so fucking busy ever since he graduated,” Sirius explained.
Now James was kind of nervous. If this was the very first one of their shows he would ever see, they had to make it good, which was going to be hard if they weren’t all 100%. Remus and Sirius? Not 100%. They were talking now, sort of, but it was strained. Usually they had the best chemistry on stage (which made a lot of sense now), and the fans loved when they interacted up there.
“And…you know, the song?” Sirius said.
It took James a moment to realize what he was referring to, but it clicked. Sirius almost never shared songs he wrote about his family or what it was like for him in that household, but he had decided to record it and it became a real tear jerker, and it was on the set list.
He had shown it to James years ago when he first wrote it, and it had taken a long time for him to be ready to share it with the world. It was a personal song for him, and it might hold some of those same feelings for Regulus.
“Oh,” James said softly. “We can take it off the set list, Pads, you know that.”
He shook his head. “No. I don’t think- I mean- Maybe he’ll like it?”
“It’s a good song,” James agreed.
Sirius took a deep breath, pushing his hair back and clearly thinking. James didn’t want to give his input, in this scenario his opinion didn’t matter. Regulus wasn’t his brother, he wasn’t the one singing the song about their childhood.
James remembered when they first released the song how Sirius kept checking his phone, waiting to see if Regulus was going to message him about it. After weeks they were pretty sure he hadn’t heard it, and at the time James thought it was a really shitty thing for a brother to not listen to your craft, but now he realized things were a bit more complicated than that.
Just a couple of days ago was the first time Sirius had seen Regulus perform in years. James didn’t understand their relationship most of the time.
“It is?” Sirius asked. Normally, he would never in a million years doubt himself or his songwriting abilities. He was always very cocky about it, but it was in tiny moments like these where it was clear just how much he needed to hear it was true, he needed someone else to verify that he had done a good job.
“It’s fucking amazing. And so many people out there connect with your words, and it’s beautiful.”
That was apparently exactly what Sirius needed to hear, because some of the tension he had been holding relaxed. Some, but not all. Which meant James’ work was not done. There was still twenty minutes before they were supposed to go on, which was (hopefully) enough time.
He pulled Remus aside, making sure Sirius wasn’t paying attention. He would probably kill him for this.
“Moony,” James said, his voice taking a more serious tone. He wasn’t going to scold him, they were all adults, but both of them were too stubborn to work this out themselves, so James thought it was okay to just give them a little bit of a push.
To his credit, Remus didn’t react all that much to being forced into the closest room that James could find, which happened to be a broom closet. He kept his expression level, but there was a hint of something in his eyes that James picked up on. It wasn’t fear, exactly, he wasn’t scared of James. Perhaps he was just scared of what this conversation was going to be, or he already knew exactly what James was going to say and didn’t want to hear it. James didn’t mess around when it came to his friends, and he planned on having a similar conversation with Sirius.
“Prongs,” he responded, a slight nod of his head in acknowledgement.
James sighed, reminding himself what and who he was doing this for. “Look, I don’t know what happened with you and Sirius,” he started, which was a lie but Remus did not need to know that, “but… Regulus is here tonight, you know?”
Remus frowned, probably expecting something different. “Yeah, I know.”
“Good, good.”
“James?”
“He’s nervous, Moony. Okay? And, I’m not blaming you or anything but whatever is going on with you guys isn’t helping.”
“Nervous?” Remus asked. He probably would have noticed if he was actually paying attention, but of course his best friends were idiots and were only oblivious in the most annoying circumstances.
“Yeah. And, well you’ve always been better at calming him down than I have.” That was true, at least sometimes. James wasn’t good at tough love, and he tended to just say what people wanted to hear, especially with Sirius. Remus was brutally honest when he wanted to be, but they all knew he cared. “Lupin, you have twenty minutes, use them wisely,” James said before slipping out of the closet and acting like nothing had happened.
If talking to Remus would help Sirius relax on stage, then so be it.
Next on his list, Regulus Black.
James had a feeling he was in the same place as before, and thankfully he was right. He didn’t have much time to waste just looking around. There was already some stage crew looking around for him, trying to get him prepared to go on stage.
“Regulus, hello,” James said, the name falling off of his lips easily. James liked saying his name just as much as he liked giving him nicknames. He was still sort of relishing how he hadn’t corrected James earlier when he called him Reg. He really was grasping at straws.
He looked up. “Aren’t you supposed to be getting ready?”
“Yes, I am. Which is why I am making this quick.”
“Making what quick?”
“Sirius wrote a song.”
Regulus raised an eyebrow. “Oh? Good for him then..”
“It’s an emotional one for him, he’s worried about how you’ll react to it,” James said, just ripping off the bandaid. He had found it was better to just get to the point where Regulus was concerned.
“Me? He doesn’t care-”
“Bullshit,” James said, interrupting whatever Regulus was going to say. Sirius cared, he cared more than he ever let anyone really know, and Regulus knew it.
Regulus glared, likely annoyed James had just cut him off in the middle of his sentence. “Okay. Is that all then?”
James smiled, he knew Regulus would be all difficult about it, because why wouldn’t he be?
“Obviously not.”
“Then what?”
“Just be nice.”
“I’m not nice.”
James cocked his head to the side, looking at Regulus a bit confused. “You’re plenty nice.”
Sometimes he was a bit harsh or he got a bit quiet and sharp with people, but… Okay, maybe he wasn’t nice, but he didn’t have to be. James would be nice enough for the both of them and that would just have to be enough for the world.
“I’m not.”
“Regulus-”
“No. It’s fine. I get it.”
“You do?”
He nodded. “I’ll respond appropriately.”
James knew it was the best he was going to get, so he decided to cut his losses and count this a win. He thought about just having Regulus listen to the song beforehand, but it was loud and even having the conversation was difficult for them. Lion’s Head was on stage and the crowd was especially loving them tonight.
“Good, thank you,” James said, feeling a weight leave his shoulders.
He knew he had just seen Regulus not that long ago, but it seemed a bit rude to check him out right in front of his brother, so James took just one moment for himself to just look. He was dressed casually, how James normally saw him, but he was wearing jeans rather than sweatpants and his shirt was slightly nicer than normal. It was still a t-shirt, but he wore it well. On anybody else it would have looked like it hung awkwardly off of their body, but it worked on Regulus.
“Stop staring.”
Regulus’ voice cut through his thoughts before they even got particularly inappropriate.
“Right. I have to go,” James said, remembering he had a job to do.
Regulus nodded and sat back down, pulling out the music he had been working on mostly the whole time. James was very interested in hearing the song, although he knew he probably wouldn’t get to until it was released or had gone through a lot of production.
He wanted to hear Regulus play it for him.
“Good luck, James.”
“As if I need it,” he responded.
James smiled the whole way back to his friends and didn’t care to dwell too much on why that was the case.
His guitar was waiting for him, as well as one of the sound techs who was not pleased with his late appearance. Everyone else was ready to go, they had their instruments, Pete had his sticks, and Marlene’s band was ending their final song.
Sirius raised an eyebrow in question, asking where he had gone. James first noticed he seemed a bit calmer now, and hopefully he and Remus talked through whatever awkwardness had happened between them. He had no interest in doing all of the work on stage, not for something as little as a kiss.
He shrugged, trying to calm the smile and the blush on his face. It was no use though, Sirius had seen it, James could still feel it burning his skin, his thoughts branding themselves on his forehead. James had never really been one to be able to hide what he was feeling, he was straightforward and honest and he was a horrible liar. It was useless to even try to lie to himself.
James had a crush on Regulus.
James was a dead man walking.
***
Marlene’s score could wait.
Really, there were more important things to be paying attention to, so the score could wait. It could wait as long as James Potter was on stage.
At first he had been trying to listen to the music, to hear what they had created and look at it from a purely objective standpoint. But every single time he saw James play a chord or sing into the microphone or wink at Regulus or even just fucking stand there, Regulus was helpless to pay any attention to the songs.
Marlene and Benjy had come to stand with him and watch the show probably at the worst possible time. He probably looked like an idiot, drooling over James. He felt a bit like an idiot.
“Like the show?” Marlene asked, a grin on her face.
She knew.
God, he was being so obvious and he hated it. He hated James for looking like that .
But that was all it was. Simple attraction. James was attractive, objectively. Regulus couldn’t just pretend like he didn’t notice, especially when he was on stage playing to thousands of people who were thinking the same thing that Regulus was. He wasn’t special for happening to notice that James looked very good when he had beads of sweat trailing off of his forehead, or when he flexed his muscles in the tight shirt, or he moved his fingers so swiftly and so deftly along the fretboard.
Everyone was thinking that.
“They’re good,” he said, deciding that was the safest option.
She nodded, taking a sip of her beer. Regulus felt like he needed a drink. If he was going to get through the night . Maybe this was why he had never come to a show before, something in his brain had been trying to save him from this exact scenario.
“Do you have a favorite song yet?” she asked.
Regulus had not been paying attention to the music. Marlene, Regulus decided right then and there, was slightly evil.
“Can’t pick a favorite.”
Whatever song they had been playing started to fade out, and the lights got a bit darker, as if the show was coming to an end. Regulus knew that wasn’t possible, or at least very unlikely, since they had only been on stage for maybe thirty minutes.
He looked to Marlene, about to ask her, when movement caught his eye. The band was leaving the stage, James and Remus and Peter. Sirius stayed, sitting down at the piano that was on stage. The crowd was absolutely roaring, and it was a bit jarring to remember that everyone in the crowd was there for Sirius.
James was bouncing, practically, when he got off stage. His guitar had been placed to the side, as had Remus’ bass.
Regulus hadn’t expected it, but James walked over to him during his little break. He was breathing hard and he had a huge grin on his face.
“Holy shit!” he said loudly, shaking Marlene by the shoulders.
She laughed with him, handing him the beer, which he chugged at a speed that Regulus would have found impressive if he had been paying closer attention. He was pointedly not looking at James, which meant for once he was paying attention to the music.
Sirius was singing a ballad, a slower song that was just him and the piano. Regulus knew immediately that this was the song James had tried to warn him about earlier. He took a step forward, still making sure nobody in the crowd could see him, but wanting to hear better.
He was pretty sure that James and Marlene had gone silent behind him, but they could have been screaming and he would not have been able to hear.
Sirius’ back was to him, which was probably for the best. His voice sounded thick, like he wanted to cry, which made Regulus want to cry.
You were riding your bike to the sound of "It's No Big Deal"
And you're trying to lift off the ground on those old two wheels
Nothing about the way that you were treated ever seemed especially alarming 'til now
So you tie up your hair and you smile like it's no big deal
You can let it go
You can throw a party full of everyone you know
And not invite your family, 'cause they never showed you love
You don't have to be sorry for leaving and growing up
He was not prepared for the sheer emotion the song made him feel. It was Sirius’ perspective of what they went to, it was his story and it was his song and Regulus hadn’t even known about its existence.
The crowd was yelling the song back to him, they were singing these words that Sirius had written and Regulus needed to get out of there. He couldn’t breathe and he needed air. But he couldn’t leave, he couldn’t look away or stop listening or do anything except for stand there.
You can see the world, following the seasons
Anywhere you go, you don't need a reason
'Cause they never showed you love
You don't have to be sorry for doing it on your own
You're just in time, make your tea and your toast
You framed all your posters and dyed your clothes, ooh
You don't have to go
You don't have to go home
Oh, there's a long way to go
I don't believe that time will change your mind
In other words
I know they won't hurt you anymore as long as you can let them go
He felt a tear fall down his face, he had missed out on so much of Sirius’ life, and he had missed out on so much of Regulus’ and it hadn’t been their faults. It was their parents, it was all of the outside forces that were constantly trying to drive them apart. It was music vs ballet, it was freedom vs security, it was bravery vs fear and they were always on opposite sides.
“Reg?”
James must have been behind him the whole time, but he hadn’t even realized. Regulus looked away, he was not going to cry in front of James, or cry in front of anyone for that matter.
Without a word, he left the side of the stage and went to find the bathroom. He just needed a minute to himself.
The bathroom was empty, the walls were concrete, the floors were linoleum, and it was empty.
Regulus took deep breaths, trying to follow the breathing exercises he had learned ages ago. Sometimes they worked, sometimes they didn’t.
It didn’t take long for Sirius to find him once the show ended. Regulus had made his way into an empty room, scrolling through his phone. Sirius was still dressed in what he was wearing on stage, and most of the makeup had sweated off of his face by now. It looked like he hadn’t stopped anywhere else, looking for Regulus straight away. He wasn’t surprised, Sirius didn’t like to leave things unresolved.
He shut the door softly behind him and took a deep breath. “I have been looking for you everywhere.”
Regulus shrugged. His legs were tucked underneath him and he was sitting on a couch in the first room he found. “Yeah.”
“Did you like the show?”
Regulus sighed. “I left, we don’t have to talk around it.” Sirius smiled. “What?”
“No nothing. Just… I used to say that to you.”
“Except we did talk around it.”
“Yeah, we did.”
This was painful, for both of them. Sure, things were better, but the two of them were so bad at communicating, with each other and with others.
“I like the song,” Regulus said.
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to be. I just- I reacted weird to it.”
“With good reason.” There was a pause, and then, “Were you crying?” Regulus shoved him, causing Sirius to erupt into laughter as he let his body be pushed to the side. “You totally were.”
“Literally shut the fuck up.”
Sirius laughed, way too amused that he had gotten Regulus to cry. It took a lot, he usually refused to feel anything, positive or negative, but it just happened. He wasn’t sure how to explain it, how to explain why it even happened. The song was sad, but it wasn’t as reflective of what Regulus experienced in the house, and maybe that was why. Maybe it was just hearing Sirius’ side of the story just…shook him.
“So, who’s Matilda?” Regulus asked, the question sort of gnawing away at him. He understood that sometimes with art, people lied or changed names.
“She’s a girl I met a couple of years ago. She sort of made me realize I was gay, but I just used her name cause it fit. Really though, I’m Matilda.”
“Matilda is a better name than Sirius,” Regulus agreed.
All of them waited until most of the crowd had already left before they got back in the bus. They were going to be traveling overnight, which meant no comfortable hotel bed, but it also meant not having to share with Sirius.
He shut himself off into the room at first, not wanting to see anybody yet. He had finally had the space to breathe earlier, and he didn’t want to give that up just yet. After he and Sirius talked, if it could even be called that. They mostly just gave half assed apologies and changed the subject as quickly as they could.
“Do you wanna beer?” Remus asked. He had walked into the back room that had basically been labeled as Regulus’, although these past couple of days he had not missed it at all. He had been trying to sleep for almost an hour, but they were all being loud up front and he was very uncomfortable.
“Beer?” Regulus asked. He thought they were all just going to go to bed, although he supposed the adrenaline they get after playing a show is too much to just sit around and do nothing. He followed Remus to the front of the bus where Peter and James were playing a card game and Sirius was rapping to an Eminem song.
He sounded horrible.
“Reggie!” James said loudly upon Regulus entering the room. Peter kept trying to tell him that it was his turn. James wasn’t paying him any attention though. “Do you want a drink? Pete bought Mike’s.”
Regulus, who had never much liked the taste of beer, accepted one of the hard strawberry lemonades and sat down next to Remus. Sirius was still trying to give them a concert that none of them wanted to listen to.
“Prongs do you have a seven or not?” Peter asked, getting increasingly more frustrated when James wasn’t paying attention.
James took an exaggerated look at his cards, shielding them from view, although Regulus could see every single one of them.
“Hmm I don’t know Wormtail,” James said, drawing out his words. He shifted a bit in his seat, turning around to look at Regulus with a grin. “Reg? Have I got any sevens?”
Peter looked ready to throw his hands up and storm off of the bus, only he couldn’t exactly do that since they were on the interstate.
Regulus leaned forward, pretending that he needed to squint to see the cards. “Mm I can’t tell,” he said, shaking his head from side to side.
“Oh fucking hell,” Peter said.
“No Wormy, I don’t have a seven. Go fish.”
Sirius forced Remus out of his chair, all but serenading Lose Yourself to him all while spilling beer all over the floor.
“Sing Moony!” Sirius said, trying to urge him along.
James was looking at the two of them fondly, which Regulus only knew because he caught himself looking at James for way longer than he should have been. He focused his attention back to the table.
He stayed out there with them for over an hour, drinking a couple more of the Mike’s and eventually playing a game of cards with them. Go fish was their game of choice for a very long time, and Regulus had to actively convince them to play uno instead. And maybe he had only done so because he was very good at uno, but they were drunk and didn’t seem to notice that he was on a winning streak.
“You look uncomfortable,” James said, leaning even closer to Regulus to whisper. They had all reconfigured where they were sitting so that they could all play, and he of course had to end up sitting next to James.
“Hmm?”
James looked down to the jeans that Regulus was still wearing. “Your clothes.”
“Oh, I’m fine.”
He shook his head. “No, you’re not.”
“I’m not?”
“No. We’re pausing the game,” James announced to everyone, practically pushing Regulus out of the seat so that he could go change. It was easier to just agree in this scenario, and he supposed he was a bit uncomfortable.
The only clothes he really had were the sweatpants from the hospital. He changed into those and a black tank top, anything that wouldn’t be annoying with his cast. The sweatpants hung a bit too loosely around his waist, and while he was walking back out, he was also trying to tie the drawstring.
It wasn’t his fault that he didn’t notice James standing right there. Not his fault.
“Oh. Hi,” Regulus said, looking up. He was struggling with the drawstring, but James didn’t need to know that.
“You left,” James said, his head turned to the side like he was confused.
Regulus blinked. “Umm, yeah. Yes, I did. I went to change.”
James looked down at the sweatpants where one of Regulus’ hand was still trying to tighten them, it was basically impossible to do with only one. “Need help?”
Breathe.
“I’m fine.”
“May I?” James asked, eyes wide and almost innocent if he hadn’t been so drunk.
Regulus didn’t respond but he didn’t stop James when he moved his hands forward, grabbing the strings from Regulus and starting to tie them. His knuckles kept brushing against Regulus’ stomach, causing it to drop every single time. He was standing so close that he was breathing him in, the beer he had been drinking, the watermelon gum in his mouth, the heat emanating off of him.
James was so warm, Regulus wanted to just fold into him, to let himself be enveloped by it.
“Better?” James asked, pulling his hands away very slowly.
Breathe.
“Yes,” he said, his voice feeling tight.
He smiled. “Good, now let’s go. I was winning.”
Regulus didn’t bother telling him that he in fact was not winning, and instead played a couple more rounds of uno, blocking out all thoughts of warm hands and soft smiles. Regulus knew better than to let himself get caught up in something so sweet, he didn’t deserve sweet.
***
Something just clicked for James. A switch or something went off in his brain at three in the morning, and he was writing. Mary still wanted a new song, and James was feeling inspired. He was drunk and he was tired, but he had the idea.
His bunk was too small, so he went to the front area of the bus and stayed as quiet as he could. Their driver, Greg, didn’t seem too interested in a conversation, so James left him alone after a quick greeting.
Sometimes, James got sad. He tried not to, he tried to suppress those more negative feelings in favor of something better. Whether it be a thrill, adrenaline, happiness, anything that was good. But, no matter how much he tried to hide it from people, he got sad. It was hard, because he was the happy friend, he was the one who was always smiling or laughing. He was supposed to be there for them, someone stable and unwavering. And he was. Sometimes.
Being on tour wasn’t helping things either. He missed his parents, and he missed the consistency of a day to day schedule, and he missed his bedroom and his flat and his other friends. He missed things he had never even had before.
He was filled with this insatiable longing for life. He wanted to do everything and experience everything at the exact same time, he wanted to be spontaneous and have stability. He wanted to travel all over the world and he wanted the comfort of a home.
They weren’t that much further out from Tampa, so James stayed up the rest of the time, using the app on his phone to try and get a melody for the song. It wasn’t the same as a real instrument, but it was all he had access to on the bus.
Peter woke up first, which was probably the most surprising thing to happen on their tour so far. He didn’t comment on the darkness under James’ eyes, and instead brewed a pot of coffee for the both of them. James didn’t mention that he had already had a whole pot to himself, he was going to need more to get through the day.
“Two and six still?” Peter asked.
James shook his head, he had changed it recently. “Three and seven now.”
Peter shook his head, amused. “You have an issue,” he said, although he was still making James the coffee in the exact way he asked.
“Agree to disagree.”
“Were you writing?” he asked, sitting down across from him. James, on instinct, shut the notebook. Peter raised an eyebrow, James had never hid something he wrote from them. Usually, he showed them almost right away, especially if it was something that he thought was good. “Alright Prongs?”
No
“Yeah, sorry. Mary just asked if we could have another song written by Friday,” he said.
“Other than the one you and Remus wrote?”
He nodded. “Yeah, other than that one.”
Peter was smarter than anybody gave him credit for, it was easy to forget when he only was smart when he wanted to be. James might have been the person everyone went to for advice, but it was really Peter who was the best at it. Again, only when he really wanted to be.
“James,” he said, a bit disappointed.
“Wormy,” James said, trying to lift his spirits. He took a sip of the coffee, and he relished the taste and feeling of it.
“These are the things you tell us.”
“I am telling you.”
“Beforehand.”
James pressed his lips together. He knew Peter was right, but everyone was so busy and this was something he was able to do by himself.
“Okay.”
Inevitably, Peter’s eyes drifted to the notebook in front of James that was still shut. Peter had never once judged any of them for the songs they had written, and they had this unspoken rule to just not ask if it was obviously personal. They hadn’t asked questions when Sirius showed them Matilda , or when Remus plopped the lyrics to I Can’t Handle Change in front of them and very obviously did not want to talk about it.
Still, James had never been the best at writing sadder things. It just wasn’t his forte. He didn’t like to feel sad, or dwell in those kinds of emotions, so writing about them never really occurred to him.
It took him a minute to work up to it, and James realized he was shaking a little bit as he opened up the notebook and started flipping to the most recent page.
“It’s just a rough draft,” James said, sliding it over to Peter.
He scoffed like he always did whenever anybody was doubting themselves and read the lyrics. Some of them didn’t make sense, James realized. Not without some sort of explanation, and he was about to interrupt Peter’s reading to tell him this when both of their attention was drawn away.
James reached across the table and took the notebook back, unsure of why he was so protective over this one song but knowing he wasn’t ready for anybody else to see it. One at a time.
It was Regulus, he was walking out of the back room, his hair mussed and his shirt rode up a little bit overnight. He didn’t even look in their direction, just going into the bathroom.
James’ cheeks were burning, he knew that much immediately. Seeing Regulus brought back the memory of last night, the simple accidental touches were seared into James’ mind.
He needed to get this under control.
“You’re joking,” Peter said, reminding James of his presence. He had still been staring at the bathroom door, just sort of waiting.
“What?”
“Sirius’ brother?” he asked, trying not to laugh.
Shit.
“Wait, no. Peter-” It was too late though, Peter had noticed. He had figured it out and it was so obvious that James didn’t even know what to say to try and cover it up.
“Prongs you idiot.”
He groaned, putting his head down on the table and wishing this was all just a dream. His crush was manageable when it was just him who knew about it, but now it was real. Now it was out in the open, and he was kidding himself by trying to label it something as simple as a crush.
It was more than that, even if he didn’t really know what that meant.
At the very least, Peter had enough of a mind to not say anything when Regulus walked back out and made himself a coffee in silence. There was more than enough left in the pot for him, and James watched as he put one cream and two sugar just like last time.
“Good morning, Regulus,” Peter said to him, a smile on his face that was too big for the occasion.
“Hi,” he said, looking between the two of them cautiously. He had fixed his shirt and James noticed that the bow he had tied last night was still perfectly intact.
“Excited for Tampa?”
Regulus, to his credit, did not seem to be too confused by Peter’s energy this early in the morning. “No.”
“Aren’t your friends coming?”
“Yes.”
Secretly, James was very excited to meet who Regulus’ friends were, other than Barty and Evan who were very interesting characters. He thought that one's friends said a lot about a person, at least in his case. His friends had made him who he was, essentially.
“And you aren’t excited?”
“That’s not what I said,” Regulus stated simply.
“Mm well, we’re almost there.”
“Great,” he said with mock enthusiasm, already slipping back towards the room.
James just sat there, feeling dumb for not saying anything. He hadn’t known what to say, apparently Regulus made him speechless. Of course, Peter found this hilarious and didn’t stop laughing until Remus woke up.
As discreetly as he could, James put the notebook back in his bunk and hoped Peter would forget about it for now.
———
They were staying in Tampa overnight in a hotel, which meant James would have a place where he could hopefully record a demo with his acoustic, alone.
Of course, he knew he was going to have to show it to everyone at some point, especially if he was submitting it to Mary. They all needed to agree on it, and he had to give them the opportunity to work on it if they wanted to, or at least give their opinions.
Before everything, the marauders were friends. After that, they were a democracy.
Peter didn’t bring anything up again until they were walking to breakfast. They had found a place half a mile away from the venue and where they parked their bus.
“Look, I won’t say anything yet. But, you gotta show them eventually,” Peter said. Thankfully, he was only talking about the song.
“Yeah, yeah. Thanks, Pete,” James said.
“Mhm. Now, onto better things,” he said, his voice trailing off. He didn’t even need to finish his sentence, James could tell he was talking about Regulus, if not made that much more obvious when he gestured to him. He was a couple of yards ahead of them, walking with Barty and Evan. Honestly, they probably never would have invited them had it not been for Regulus knowing them, but James was finding that he actually liked them, even if he had taken to calling them Thing 1 and Thing 2.
“We are not discussing that.”
“We totally are.”
“Peter.”
“James.”
Okay, so maybe James was dying to tell someone. He had been keeping it to himself ever since he met Regulus. Because, let’s face it, he’s gorgeous, James knew that right away. But it was developing way too quickly. Regulus hated him, and while James was actively trying to change that opinion, he did not need to go falling in love with someone who wanted nothing to do with him.
He missed his chance though, because Sirius dropped back a little bit and wrapped an arm around James’ shoulder, telling him he was being slow.
“Doesn’t matter anyway,” James defended. “We’re here.”
Trying to figure out where to sit was…difficult. Did he distance himself from Regulus? Or did he try to get closer? He didn’t know which was worse.
The decision was made for him, and he ended up next to Sirius and on the exact opposite end that Regulus was on. Peter was directly across from him, being as annoying and obnoxious as possible, but he was getting away with it because Sirius and Remus were too occupied with playing footy under the table and pretending like they were doing absolutely nothing.
Still, even if his mind was occupied with other things, James enjoyed the company of all of his friends in one place. Really, all they were missing was Mary, and she was planning on coming to visit ‘soon’, or so she said anyway.
“Lily, no,” Remus said, cutting off her sentence. She was asking about a song that they hadn’t performed in ages, and they all basically refused to.
“What? Why not?” she said with a small pout.
“We hate that song.”
“But it’s so good.”
“What song?” Sirius asked, tuning back into the conversation.
Lily smiled. “Heartbreak girl.”
The reaction Sirius had to the song was visceral, he actually physically jumped a little bit. “Absolutely not.”
It was from their first album that they had put out, and safe to say they weren’t exactly proud of it. It was one of those songs they had written because they had to, not because they wanted to. Sirius was the one who wrote it too, which made it all the better when Lily started singing.
“I dedicate this song to you, the one who never sees the truth, that I can take away your hurt, heartbreak girl,” she sang loudly. Sirius started throwing butter pats at her until she stopped, but she had already gotten the attention of the rest of the table.
“Was that…” Regulus trailed off, looking mostly at Sirius and having to lean across the table to see him properly.
“Shut up.”
“What?” James asked, ignoring the look Peter gave him. So maybe he had straightened his back a little bit at the sound of Regulus’ voice. So what?
“Reggie I will literally murder you,” Sirius threatened.
Regulus ignored him and faced James. Everyone else was quiet, waiting for the story as eagerly as James was, any opportunity to embarrass Sirius.
“It wasn’t always called Heartbreak Girl,” Regulus started, about to delve into the origin of the song. None of them had ever gotten it, just assuming it was something that Sirius had whipped up in no time so they would have enough for the album. Apparently not. “In fact, it’s not even about a girl.”
Sirius shot out of his chair so quickly, knocking into James as he made his way to Regulus. Regulus let himself be dragged away, flashing a quick grin and clearly very pleased with himself for causing trouble. This now begged the question of who the song was about. Originally he thought it wasn’t about anyone, mostly because Sirius wasn’t interested in women, and also he had never mentioned anything to James about a guy.
“What the hell was that?” Peter asked, breaking the silence.
James looked at Remus to see if he maybe had an answer, but he was pointedly not looking at anyone. He had never considered the idea that maybe their history went back even further than James had thought, if this was the reaction to a song they had released almost six years ago.
***
Barty and Evan came with him, in fact it was Barty who ended up driving them to the airport. He had dreams of renting a red convertible, and that was exactly what he did. They had never met Dorcas, but they knew Pandora apparently. He supposed it wasn’t unheard of, but he at least thought they would have mentioned it.
Regulus sat in the back, sunglasses over his eyes and his phone in his hand. He tried to be present and in the moment, but it was impossible to talk to either of them over the sound of the wind, and he had just spent the past fifteen minutes looking out the window.
His time left on the tour was technically finishing up, he was only supposed to stay for a week to make Sirius happy, which was working other than today. He had practically yelled at Regulus like he was still a child, which in this case he only found amusing. Apparently his teenage crush on Remus was still a secret, and Regulus had only found out from snooping through his diary.
He would never do that now, but Sirius had sort of started to drift away and at the time it had been the only way for him to know what was going on in his life. It was a bit hypocritical because he would absolutely, without hesitation, murder Sirius if he ever did the same thing to him.
Evan turned around in his seat and hit Regulus on the thigh as hard as he could, his blonde hair was floppy and flying everywhere, but he was smiling.
“What the fuck was that for?”
Barty was coming to a stop at a red light and had just turned the music down, so he didn’t need to yell. “We were talking to you.”
“Oh. Okay.”
Evan rolled his eyes. “We need to take you shopping.”
“For what?”
“You’ve only got like three shirts.”
“I’m leaving soon,” he reminded them. He was on his fifth day, which was weird to think about because he felt like he had already been there forever, but still it meant just the Tampa show tonight and then the Jacksonville show on his last night and he was home free.
He pointedly decided to not think about how that made him feel.
Evan sighed deeply and turned around as the light turned green, which meant the conversation was paused for another couple of minutes. He really only did have a couple articles of clothing, and his ballet stuff that he had left untouched.
Once the speed limit changed to much lower, Regulus knew they were close to the airport. Dorcas and Pandora had made it easy and traveled together, although it had taken them almost an hour to choose a time that worked well for both of them.
“Just one outfit,” Barty said. “Maybe two.”
“For what?”
“For the shows, idiot. Don’t you want to look hot?”
“Not particularly.”
Barty smiled at him through the rear view mirror. “But don’t you wanna look good for Jamie?”
“No, I don’t,” Regulus said, almost pouting about it. He didn’t care about how he looked for James, it didn’t matter to him one way or the other.
“He’s blushing,” Evan reported after turning around.
“I hope you crash the car.”
Pandora and Dorcas were waiting at the doors with nothing more than a small carry on. They were only here for a short trip anyway. They were dressed like they were ready for the beach, or the warm weather. Pandora was wearing a loose, short, blue sundress, the straps tied around her neck and it fell to just above her knees. She had cut her hair since the last time Regulus had seen her, which really was only a couple of days ago, but it fell to just above her shoulders and was still the bleach blonde color she was born with. Dorcas was wearing a long white skirt and an orange tank top that only she could pull off. It was bright and neon, but it contrasted beautifully against her skin. She had dyed her hair red and had chopped most of it off, leaving her curls natural instead of the braids she normally wore.
“You’re late,” Dorcas said, looking at Regulus first.
He rolled his eyes, hopping out of the car to greet them while Barty and Evan did the same thing. “Blame Barty,” he said, gesturing to where he was holding his hand out for her to shake.
Pandora was sort of just staring at Regulus’ arm like she couldn’t believe it. Honestly, he was starting to get used to only using his right hand for everything, even if it was a pain to even function normally.
“Shit,” she said, looking up to see Regulus. “Hey, love.”
“Hi.”
“You really broke it, huh?”
“No, I just wear the cast for fun.”
Pandora rolled her eyes and pulled out a sharpie from her bag. He wouldn’t have been surprised if she had only brought it with for this exact reason. He hadn’t let anybody sign his cast, he thought it was a stupid practice that didn’t make any sense. But, he couldn’t say no to Pandora, so he let her sign her name with a small heart. And then he had to let Dorcas sign it, and she underlined her name dramatically. And then Barty and Evan wanted to sign it too, and this was the exact reason he hadn’t let anybody do this.
When he left the airport there were four signatures on his cast, and he was powerless to stop it.
They didn’t even stop at the hotel, and apparently Dorcas and Pandora were already caught up on the plan, which was, for some reason, to make Regulus look like a slut. He just let that happen too, trying on the clothes that Barty was throwing at him and adding the makeup that Pandora insisted he needed to his cart.
Eventually they settled on an outfit that Regulus was apparently going to be wearing to the show. A white tank top, one that Dorcas had scrunched up and declared she would be cropping, and a pair of loose dark wash jeans. It was the most basic outfit he could have imagined, and it cost way more than what it was worth, but he did look good.
“You’ll let me do your hair, right?” Dorcas asked, looking at his mess of curls with very clear disapproval. To be fair, it was hard to maintain good hair on a tour bus.
Barty and Evan had to be at the venue early, and the girls wanted to meet everyone beforehand anyway, so all five of them went to where they were still soundchecking. Regulus had changed back into his regular clothes, not wanting to deal with them just yet. There was also a bunch of new jewelry and makeup in the bags in the car, so they were really going all out.
The first people that Regulus saw were Marlene and Emmeline, who were just sort of walking around. Pandora and Dorcas wanted the whole rounds, so he figured they were a safe spot to start. Of course, he should have expected for Marlene and Dorcas to hit it off, even if they were trying to hide the fact that they were practically undressing each other with their eyes. Regulus was going to be hearing about this for ages.
“So, you’re a singer?” Dorcas asked.
Marlene leaned against the wall. “Among other things, yes.” Emmeline shared a tiny look with Regulus, and even if they didn’t know each other very well, anybody could see exactly what was going on. “Are you guys watching the show tonight?” Marlene asked. She might have technically addressed the whole group, but she was only looking at Dorcas.
“Yeah, we’ll be in the crowd,” Dorcas told her.
Stopping at Marlene first was clearly a very bad idea, and they ended up talking to her for almost five minutes before Regulus decided he had to put an end to it.
“Regulus Black,” Dorcas whispered to him as they walked away. “Why didn’t you tell me about her ?”
“Because I don’t like women, Dorcas.”
“Still, you could have told me that there were beautiful people here.”
Regulus stopped. “There’s me,” he pointed out. His looks were something he constantly had to worry about, and plenty of people had complimented him before. So yeah, Regulus knew he was technically a very good looking person, it didn’t mean anything, and it especially didn’t mean he liked himself.
“What’s her last name?” Dorcas asked, pulling out her phone and pulling up Instagram.
Regulus took it from her. “We have more people to meet first.”
She shook her head. “No thanks, I’m done.”
“Don’t you wanna see Sirius?”
As if on cue, Sirius walked out of the bathroom and did a double take when he saw the three of them. He had never met either of them before, but he knew that they existed, and he was well aware that they were coming.
“Oh my God. Dorcas Meadowes and Pandora Winter?” he asked, bowing dramatically in front of them. They loved the attention too, playing into the theatrics just as much. Regulus knew this would happen when they all met, and maybe he had been putting it off, wanting to keep his friends to himself. Everyone always loved Sirius more.
“Sirius Black as I live and breathe,” Pandora said, grabbing his hand and giving it a soft kiss.
He smiled. “Lovely to meet you both. Come meet the rest of the band.”
Regulus followed behind them, making it a point to not pout. Sirius was just charismatic, and people were attracted to that. At the end of the day they were still his friends, and he had long gotten over his jealousy issue.
James, Peter, and Remus were sitting on a couch, with a gap that Sirius had been sitting in before. Peter and James were playing a video game and Remus was just watching quietly, going on his phone when he got bored.
“Boys, meet Dorcas and Pandora!” Sirius said loudly, giving their introductions.
“Hello.”
“Hi.”
Peter only waved, too distracted by the game. Regulus stepped forward a little bit to see what they were playing, and he wasn’t sure whether he should have been surprised that it was Mario Kart.
“Do you guys wanna play?” James asked, eyes flicking over to Regulus every couple of seconds, which was causing him to lose the game.
Pandora volunteered immediately, taking a spot in between James and Peter and waiting for them to finish the round. Regulus had to physically keep Dorcas from bothering Marlene since she was busy with soundcheck, so they also stayed.
Regulus was used to watching people play video games, it was just a younger sibling thing, he was sure. He used to always watch Sirius play all the time when they were younger, and he never cared much to actually play himself.
Dorcas and Pandora played a round, and Pandora won. She was sneakily good at video games, literally every single one. Anybody that knew her also knew that she never lost. Dorcas was competitive though, and so they played again until she won.
“Reg? Wanna play?” James asked him, holding out one of the remotes.
Regulus was good at a lot of things, and he wasn’t even being self-aggrandizing, it was just the truth. However, Regulus was not good at video games. He never played them, he never had time to play them either.
“He does,” Dorcas said, grabbing it for him.
That was how Regulus ended up spending an hour playing Mario Kart. He played a couple of rounds against James, determined to beat him, and he was pretty sure that James had let him win the last one, and from there he was hooked. It was instant gratification, all of the flashing lights and sound effects. He knew exactly how people got addicted to things like this, and he was fully prepared to spend the rest of his night like this.
But, they had to get ready for the show.
It was supposed to be a good one.