balancing act

Writing songs was normally a very therapeutic experience for James. He would just sort of free-write his feelings onto paper until they started to sound good. Sometimes they never did, other times it would turn into a hit song.

While Lion’s Head was sound checking, James and Remus took to the side of the stage, trying to finish a song that James had started writing. 

James had his guitar in his lap, the notebook sitting in the middle of him and Remus while they tried to come up with more lyrics. The issue was it was a helpless pining song he had started writing about Regulus, and Remus was not in that mood. He was all angsty and kept glaring at Sirius before turning back around and pretending he didn’t exist.

James, like a good friend, had yet to say anything about what he knew. Although, it was really obvious. Sirius and Peter were off talking to Lily mostly, and Remus kept drawing his attention back over to them. He was angsty and clearly not trying to write a song about a silly little crush. 

Still, Sirius hadn’t said anything about subtly asking Remus if something was wrong. James was normally a person that people confided in, so it wouldn’t be unheard of. 

“Everything alright Moony?” he asked. James was a horrible liar, but Remus was distracted enough to not even notice. 

He sighed. “Yeah, everything’s fine.”

James nodded in fake understanding. He felt slightly evil that he was playing with their emotions like this, luring them into a false sense of security to figure out exactly what was going on. But, somebody had to do it. And Pete, bless his heart, was sometimes too oblivious to things of this sort. 

“Okay, you just seem a bit off,” James said nonchalantly. He was acting as if he didn’t have a big stake in this, like one way or the other he didn’t care. Of course he cared a lot, he wanted nothing more than for his best friends to be happy, even better if they were happy together. 

“I know you mean well, I just don’t really want to talk about it right now,” Remus said.

James let him know that it was fine, plus it was almost painfully obvious in the lyrics that he had contributed to the song. They had most of the lyrics written, and a sort of baseline for how they wanted it to sound. Remus was good at rhythm and he could help with the drum parts whenever Peter wasn’t around.

There's so much time

For me to speak up, but I keep quiet

I'll complicate the most of the mantra

The power is out and I can't turn the fan on

So yeah, what Remus wasn’t saying was translating very well into the song. It made James smile, knowing he had been right about both of them being stupid idiots in love. 

After a while, Sirius walked up to them. Or, more accurately, he walked up to James. He wanted to shake the both of them and force them to simply have a conversation, but Remus would push his feelings away forever and Sirius would just act like they weren’t there for as long as he needed to.

“Prongs, are your parents coming to Tampa?” he asked.

Remus was staring at the ground, picking at the hems of his sleeves as if they were more interesting. Sirius seemed to be shifting his weight over and over, expelling what was obviously nervous energy. This had to be the closest they had been in a while, even if they weren’t directly speaking to each other. James thought that they were both a disaster.

“My parents? No, I don’t think so.” His parents were coming out to see a show, eventually. They had their hearts set on California though, so it would be a couple more weeks before he saw them.

Sirius frowned. “Oh, Mary said you asked for two tickets.”

Oh.

Right.

He had done that. 

Regulus had asked if it was possible, and he had called Mary yesterday afternoon to make sure Regulus’ friends would get the tickets. Apparently nobody had told Sirius, which left James to do so. He wasn’t sure if he would be mad, per se. Maybe a bit betrayed that his brother asked James over him, but it was just out of convenience.

“Those aren’t for me,” he said, looking around for Regulus. He had been off with Barty and Evan mostly, but he knew they were all still hanging around the music hall somewhere.

“You asked for them.”

He nodded. “I did do that, yes.”

“Who are they for then? Girlfriend you haven’t told me about?” Sirius asked, very obviously joking from the twinkle in his eyes.

“Yeah, both of them are coming,” James said, joining in. “Thought it was about time they met.”

“Right, right. You definitely have the personality of a two-timer,” Sirius said.

Remus snorted and mumbled something under his breath. James couldn’t quite make it out, but it sounded like something along the lines of, “No, that’s more up your alley.”

Great. This was just great.

Sirius had obviously heard, but he ignored Remus even more, completely shifting his body so that his back was to him. “Who are the tickets for?”

“Regulus asked for some,” James said.

“My brother?”

“Yeah, said he wanted to invite some friends or something.”

“Who?”

“I didn’t ask.”

Sirius paused for a moment, his arms crossed as he glanced around the space, probably looking for Regulus. At least he wasn’t angry, not with James anyway. Remus was still getting the cold shoulder, but he was giving just as good as he got.

The show tonight would be a wreck if they were still like this. Part of being in a band is working together, playing in sync and knowing each other’s next movements without having to say a word. Honestly, Remus and Sirius were better at it than any other combination. They just seemed to understand exactly what the other was thinking and reacting in a split second.

Once Sirius walked away, James and Remus were quiet. He hated all of the tension. It wasn’t healthy and it definitely wasn’t helping their craft. They were making absolutely no progress, and Mary was cracking in on them, saying that their label was all but demanding they release a single while they were on tour.

“I’m going on a walk,” Remus said as he got up. He wasn’t asking, just letting James know out of courtesy.

He had his phone out, trying to record the guitar parts. He didn’t really know how to write music, he could only read it. Remus and Sirius both knew how, but they clearly weren’t options. Peter could really only do the drum parts.

“Marls?” he asked, lifting his head to look at her. She was in the center of the stage, testing the mic while the rest of her band was tuning instruments.

She smiled at him. “Potter.”

“Can you write music?”

He had staff paper in front of him, and there were a couple notes written on it from when Remus was able to tear his eyes away from Sirius long enough to actually pay any attention.

She shook her head. “Sorry love. Regulus can, if you want to ask him.”

Regulus and Sirius were walking out from backstage, talking about something that didn’t seem too important. Really, he hadn’t spoken to Regulus since they got back from swimming. He could tell there was some deeper issue, he never would have willingly spent time with James otherwise. He was just happy he could help, and he was pretty sure he did. When he first saw him in the hallway, Regulus had seemed…stressed? Maybe worried was a better word. Either way, he was unsettled. The water had calmed him down though, or at least that was how it seemed to James.

But now it appeared Regulus was avoiding him, which was totally fine. Except it actually wasn’t because James had actually enjoyed his company a lot more than he had expected. Regulus was funny, and he seemed to be very sure when he wanted something, very set in his morals. James appreciated it, somebody who knew what they wanted and didn’t let anybody try to sway their opinion. Of course, it meant he was stubborn beyond belief just like Sirius. But James was used to dealing with stubbornness, in fact he found he surrounded himself with very stubborn people. Aka, Sirius and Remus.

“Regulus can write music?” James asked. Perhaps he had said it a bit too loudly, because it got the attention of both brothers, and they were scary when they teamed up. They both narrowed their gazes, trying to figure out what James’ intention was.

“No, he can’t,” Regulus said immediately, eyes slightly widened when he realized what conversation was happening, immediately playing defense.

“Yeah, you told me you could yesterday,” Marlene said, no longer talking into the microphone.

James put on the most charming smile he could muster, which was really quite easy to do. “Please? Can you just like…write down what I play?” he asked.

“No.”

“Please? Moony left me.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow, trying to appear nonchalant. “Oh? Where’d he go?”

“On a walk,” James said, giving him a knowing smile. Silently, he was pleading that Sirius would just go find him. Talk, make out, fight, it didn’t matter. Just as long as they could stand to be around each other.

He was clearly looking around for him, and he had started to walk off the stage, ditching Regulus in favor of hopefully finding Remus. 

“Yeah, Reggie, help Prongs,” Sirius said. “Remus is busy.”

James turned his attention back to Regulus, feeling slightly victorious until he saw how defiant Regulus was planning on being. Obviously Sirius wasn’t able to just order Regulus around, they were both adults and they were brothers, it didn’t work like that. Even if, in this one instance, James wished it did.

“Please?” he asked again. Regulus was fully glaring at him, it made James smile even more. This was going to be the first show of theirs that he would ever see, and he was basically hanging around all day since he quote ‘had nothing better to do’. “I wouldn’t ask if I had another choice, but our manager is on our asses right now about finishing this song, which I can’t do until it’s…What’s the word? Transcribed?”

Regulus came and sat in Remus’ spot without a word, although he didn’t seem too pleased to be helping. James didn’t mind much, this hopefully wouldn’t take them very long anyway and then he could get back to sitting on one of the couches in the back rooms.

He read over the sheet music they had so far, and he clearly did not approve.

“Is Remus on drugs?” he asked, turning it over as if the answers would be on the back of the page.

James smiled, rubbing the back of his neck a bit shyly. He had forgotten how scary it was to share music with people for the first time, and he was starting to second guess this decision. At this point the song was probably more personal to Remus, but James still had a big part in writing it.

“He’s been a bit distracted.”

Regulus took the pencil and erased everything they already had. James didn’t even have time to protest before the only thing left was a couple of stubborn pencil marks.

He looked up at James expectantly, raising his eyebrow and gesturing towards the acoustic guitar in James’ lap. “Play, I’ll write.”

He frowned, not sure how that was going to work. “What?”

“Do you need me to say it in French?” he asked sarcastically.

“Yes, actually,” James said. He didn’t even speak French, he was just a selfish man sometimes.

“Jouer et j'écrirai.”

James was very jealous of anybody who spoke French all of the sudden, to be able to understand what he was saying would have been a gift.

“Spanish?” James said next, trying to see how long he could play this out for.

Regulus sighed. “Toca y yo lo escribiré.”

“Italian?”

“Suona, io scriverò.”

How many languages does he speak?

“Latin?”

“James, do you even speak any of these languages?” Regulus asked, setting the paper down when he realized that James was being difficult on purpose.

He shrugged. “I speak Spanish.”

“You’re ridiculous. Just play the song,” he said, shaking his head a little.

It apparently didn’t matter how many languages he heard it in, James was not understanding how it was going to work. Usually, he would play a chord or sequence of chords and tell Remus what they were, and then he would write them down. He didn’t just play from start to finish.

“What? Why are you staring like that?” Regulus asked.

James hadn’t even realized he was staring (he was still slightly in awe over the ease in which he switched languages). He blinked a couple of times, re-centering himself.

“I’m confused.”

The corners of Regulus’ mouth turned up. “Maybe that’s because you had me tell you the exact same thing in tongues you don’t even understand.”

“Tongues? I’ll have you know, Regulus, that my tongue speaks many languages. Would you like to learn for yourself?” James would forever bask in the memory of Regulus’ cheeks tinting the slightest pink, it just made him look so…edible. He was brought back to that first morning on the bus, just a couple of days ago. He still wanted to bite, apparently.

That urge didn’t appear to be going anywhere anytime soon.

“Do you want help or not?” Regulus asked, very obviously not meeting his eyes.

Had James really made Regulus flustered? He hadn’t realized a simple flirty comment could do all of that, and now he was not planning on stopping. How could he when it brought him so much joy?

“I’m sure you could help me with lots of things.”

Regulus glanced up through his eyelashes for the tiniest second before looking back down, his cheeks even redder now. Do people not flirt with him enough? James imagined Regulus had loads of people hitting on him, James had to be child’s play.

“The song, Potter. I don’t have all day.”

“You do, actually. But, yeah, okay,” he said, settling the guitar more comfortably in his lap and picking up his pick. “So, I’m just playing?”

“Yes.”

“But how do you…” he trailed off, gesturing helplessly to the paper in front of Regulus.

He raised an eyebrow. His cheeks were still red, but he seemed like he was ignoring it. “I listen.”

“And you just know what I’m playing?”

“I have perfect pitch.”

James’ eyes widened slightly. All he had really known about Regulus was that he danced ballet, although he was apparently talented in multiple areas.

“You have perfect pitch?”

“Yes. So can we get on with this?”

James strummed a C chord first, settling into the guitar with an ease that came naturally to him now, but had definitely taken a while to master.

***

Regulus had never realized he had a fascination for hands. Really, it came far out of left field, so he couldn’t be blamed for forgetting all about the task at hand. He was supposed to be transcribing music, but James had started humming , and Regulus was lost.

He watched James move from chord to chord, not even having to look at the strings to know what he was doing. He was so casual about it, strumming lightly on the wooden acoustic so that they weren’t being too loud for the opening act still doing soundcheck.

And he was singing. It was barely there, and most of the words were slurred since he wasn’t really putting his all into it. Regulus had never heard James sing, in fact he had completely forgotten that he was actually a musician, that this was his whole job and he was actually good at it.

James wasn’t humble, not by any means. But he didn’t brag about the right things, that much Regulus was sure of.

“Did you get it?” James asked, leaning over to try and see what he had written down. There was absolutely nothing there, just the image of James’ ring clad hands in his mind. His mind was still zeroed in on the dexterity of them, the ease in which they spread across the fretboard and applied the perfect amount of pressure every single time.

And, really? Hands? Regulus was a bit upset with himself for getting so off track just because of James’ hands. Particularly his fingers, they were long and very practiced in their movements and Regulus should not be thinking about it as much as he is.

“Reg?”

He cleared his throat, hiding the paper from view. The completely empty paper.

This was a fucking disaster.

“Yeah, umm. Almost. You might have to play it again,” Regulus said, acting like maybe he had just missed a couple of notes rather than every single one. He had not been paying attention to the right things, if he had been then he would have never needed to hear the song a second time.

“What? The whole thing?”

He nodded. “Yes. If you want it to be accurate.”

This time, Regulus did not watch. He used his ears, just as he had been trained to do, and he transcribed the music flawlessly. At least he could get a hold of himself well enough to actually do his job. Well, okay it wasn’t his job technically, just a favor he was doing for reasons he didn’t entirely understand.

Since he was actively listening, he actually heard . He listened to the lyrics and the guitar parts and he was pleasantly surprised. He still had yet to hear a single one of their songs, at least any of their recent ones. He knew a couple of the really early ones, from when they were still playing in James’ garage and their only fans were their friends.

If all of the songs were like this, he thought he might not hate the show.

He was keeping good on his promise to Sirius, and he had gone with to the soundcheck since Barty and Evan were there. Of course when Sirius dragged him out of the room to ask who exactly he had invited to their next show, that was cut short.

Apparently he had found out about the tickets he had asked for and needed to be very sure that Regulus hadn’t invited their parents. As if he would ever even consider that, he was avoiding their calls ever since he was fired. He hadn’t spoken to them formally in years, and he was pretty sure they weren’t calling him up to tell Regulus how proud they were of him.

Sirius knew who Dorcas was, so he was actually excited about the guests he decided to bring. Pandora was coming too, she had basically threatened Regulus if he didn’t fly her out there to at least see him. He hadn’t been doing a great job of keeping in touch with them, but he had been sort of busy. Sort of.

When James finished the song it was obvious that he was waiting for Regulus to say something, anything really.. He was nervously fiddling with his guitar pick while Regulus polished up the sheet music a little bit, just erasing accidental lines and things such as that.

He realized he was supposed to compliment the song, he wanted to. It was good, he liked it, but he didn’t know how to give compliments.

“You wrote that?” he asked, not knowing where else to start.

James nodded, setting the guitar off to the side and spreading his legs out in front of him. “Yeah, Remus and me.”

“Oh, right. It’s not bad.”

James smiled like he had just received the best news of his life, as if Regulus had sung his praises rather than giving him the bare minimum. “You think?”

Regulus fought a smile, setting the paper back down in between them so that James could reach out and grab it if he wanted. “Don’t let it go to your head.”

“Much too late.”

He stood up from the ground and left quickly, ready to go back to see what Barty and Evan were doing, which would hopefully be much easier for Regulus to handle than watching James Potter play the guitar.

They were relaxing on a couch, just like they had been before, just waiting for when they had to try and maintain the crowd. Regulus was glad he would get to stay backstage for that part, he tended to hate very crowded spaces. He was already dreading the moment he had to get back on the bus, although he would be glad to not share a bed with Sirius anymore.

When he had gotten back to the room last night, Sirius almost pushed him off the bed in his sleep, fighting to take literally all of the space. He ended up sleeping on the couch just so that he could actually try and get some rest without worrying about his brother kicking him at all hours of the night.

“Where the hell have you been?” Evan asked when Regulus walked back in.

He took a spot right in the middle of both of them, sighing dramatically. He was actually so glad they were here, not that he would ever tell them. Not that he needed to either, they knew without him having to say it. They were some of the only people that Regulus could feel this comfortable being this close to.

“Did you have an allergic reaction?” Barty said, prodding at his face.

He swatted his hands away. “Not an allergic reaction.”

Evan smiled, like he knew. Regulus regretted walking back in here. “So, James Potter?”

Barty sat up straighter, instantly intrigued. “Oh?”

He shook his head, deciding right then and there that he would rather die than gossip about James. He hated him, he was set on hating him. Although after all of his complaining about him on their night out, Evan had simply decided that hate was love, driving Regulus crazy because there wasn’t a world in which he could love the man who took his brother away from him.

Earlier had just been… it was a mistake. An accident. A reaction that was bound to happen when you were spending so much time with someone. He just needed to take multiple steps back from James. He was here for Sirius and that was it.

Last night was too much. He could say that he hated James all he wanted, it didn’t change the fact that he had saved him last night, whether he knew it or not. Regulus was not okay, and then he just was…better. It was infuriating, and to make it worse, Regulus was learning things about him. He knew how he took his coffee, he knew that he played guitar, he knew that James spoke Spanish and could actually sing really well.

He did not want to know any of these things, but he did and his memory was too good to simply forget them.

“We are not talking about this.”

“We most definitely are,” Barty said. “Tell me more, Rosier.”

“He’s blushing,” Evan pointed out.

Regulus took back every nice thing he had ever said about them. He didn’t want them there, in fact he was less miserable when he was alone and sulking.

“I haven’t seen you blush since…” Barty trailed off, pressing his lips together and trying to fight a smile.

“Since when?” Evan asked.

“Not since our first kiss. You remember, don’t you Reggie?” Barty asked, laughing as he told Evan.

“No,” he lied. Of course he remembered it, Barty had been his first everything, and Regulus was cursed with the fact he would one day have to tell his children that Bartemius Crouch Jr had been his first kiss.

“Let me refresh your memory babe. Fifth year, the bathroom of our dorm, you ran out with a very very strong blush on your pretty little cheeks.”

“Literally stop talking.”

“He’s blushing again!” Evan said, feeling the need to point it out.

“Don’t you guys have anything better to do?” Regulus asked.

They didn’t, not until they started letting people inside the venue. Over an hour ago when he had gone outside for a cigarette (a habit he had picked back up again) there was already a huge crowd of people, and he was pretty sure it was just getting bigger. Some people had started screaming at him, thinking he was just Sirius with a haircut. Regulus had gone directly back inside, deciding that a smoke break could wait.

James came walking down the hallway looking in every single room. He had almost walked right past the three of them, but he seemed to let out a breath of relief. “There you are,” he said. Regulus realized he had been looking for him. Barty and Evan had already started cracking up.

“You were looking for me?”

James grinned. “Course I was. You ran off before-”

“You ran?” Barty asked, wheezing and doubling over with laughter.

Regulus nudged him with his good arm, hard in the gut. He let out a small sound of pain, but in the end the laughing didn’t stop. “I did not run.”

“Is he alright?” James asked, clearly amused.

“For now,” Regulus said, getting up from off the couch. He didn’t need to deal with any more embarrassment, and he was positive that whatever James was going to say was going to be even worse. He could just tell by the look on his face.

James followed him out, which Regulus knew he would, and he shut the door to the room Barty and Evan were in, not needing them to listen in.

“What?”

“You left really quickly,” James said.

“I did.”

“I just wanted to say thank you, Regulus.”

“Oh. Right.” Was he supposed to say you’re welcome? He didn’t really do anything, he hadn’t even wanted to help technically. “Is that all?”

James laughed lightly, his head a bit turned at the side. “Yes, I suppose that’s all.”

“That could have been a text,” Regulus said, a bit surprised that he had spent all that time just trying to find him and say literally two words.

“No, it couldn’t have.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t have your number.”

“You don’t?”

For some reason, he just assumed all of them would be able to contact him if necessary, like maybe Sirius had given it to them for emergencies. Apparently, that was not the case, but to be fair he had never really thought about it before. He was practically living with them, so he didn't need to call or text them.

James smiled and pulled out his phone. His lock screen was a picture of James with a dog that had brown fur and brown eyes. He was grinning with his cheek pressed against the dog’s, their faces taking up most of the screen.

Regulus absolutely did not melt at the sight.

He didn’t.

Okay, he might have.

“Here,” James said, his phone now open to the spot where you could create a new contact. Regulus typed in his number, feeling incredibly weird about the whole thing. It had been a long time since he had given his number to someone, everyone he knew already had it.

He also put his name in the line as Regulus, but when he handed James the phone back he changed.

“Hey, what did you put?” he asked, trying to see, but James was hiding his phone from view with a smile on his face.

“Oh nothing.”

“James.”

He locked his phone and put it back in his pocket. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Famous last words.”

***

James sent Mary the rough draft of the song. After Regulus had helped him transcribe the music for it, putting it all together had been easy. He recorded it alone, everyone else was busy and he didn’t mind doing the rough cuts of songs. Sometimes he just wanted to put the demo out into the world and let it exist.

The song was good. It was cute and simple, not one of their showstoppers, but it had a good energy to it. He tended to be a bit too hard on himself when it came to music, never thinking anything was good enough, never thinking that he was good enough.

There were better songwriters, better singers, better guitar players. Compared to all of them, James felt inadequate.

Berry Mary

It’s really good James

I’m sorry to ask this already but when do you think you’ll have the next one?

The next one?

James didn’t know how they were supposed to write a whole album while they were on tour. Where were they supposed to get any real inspiration from? The bus? He could write about how it was warm and crowded, but that didn’t make for soul catching music.

James

Should be soon :)

What they really needed was another Sirius song. James knew he didn’t write a lot, but every time he did they had a hit song. Even when they were younger and all of their songs were silly and juvenile, Sirius always had the best way of writing a song that made you feel something.

Fans would come up to them, and every time they mentioned their first album (which they called Gotta Get Out after one of the songs on the album), it was always one of the songs Sirius had wrote. They still performed it actually, the fans had really connected with it and it was one of those classic ones they just couldn’t be rid of, no matter how much they or their music had grown.

See a war I wanna fight it

See a match I wanna strike it

Every fire I've ignited

Faded to grey

But now that I'm broken

Now that you know it

Caught up in a moment

Can you see inside?

Eighteen year old Sirius had a lot of big emotions and feelings, most of which he kept private. That song specifically had only been released because Remus had found it by accident and somehow convinced Sirius to let them put it on the album.

They needed a song like that .

It wouldn’t be fair to ask Sirius to just write his deepest feelings, not when he knew they would be about Remus and whatever sort of angst they had going on. He hadn’t seen them since earlier, and he could only hope that they had spoken, cleared the air.

Berry Mary

End of the week?

That left four days for James to write a song or see if anybody else had one written. Sometimes he could churn a song out in less than three hours, other times (like now, apparently) he was squeezed dry of all inspiration.

He didn’t want to let Mary down, she was only trying to do her job and he knew she was being pressured by people at the label. They wanted a new album written and ready to record basically as soon as the tour ended.

James

Yeah, no problem xx

Slight problem, but he could find something to write a quick song about, and he could ask Sirius and Remus for help. Peter too, he had been saying how he wanted to work more on songwriting in general.

Morally, he did not think he should write any more songs about his…crush on Regulus. Sirius would probably murder him if he ever found out, and he was trying to not feel so much for him anyway. He could also write about heartbreak, but James had never really been heartbroken. He had dated people in the past, it;s just that most of them weren’t very serious. 

When James loved, it was with his whole heart.

He had never loved any of the people he had dated.

He loved in the general sense. He loved Sirius, and Peter, and Remus, and his parents. He loved sunrises and sunsets, he loved the sound of cellos, he loved music of all kinds. He loved the smell of clean laundry, and fun socks and friendship bracelets. He loved going to the cinema, and he loved when he cleaned off his glasses and the world would come back to life in front of him.

He was full of love for everyone and everything, for experiences he hadn’t had yet and for places he had never been. He loved.

But James had never been in love. 

He was…content with it, for now. He didn’t technically need this one great big love of his life, not when his friends surrounded him with more than enough of it. But he craved it. He wanted to be wanted, he wanted to cherish someone and spend the rest of his life with them. He wanted to be so in love that he felt like his heart was folding in on itself. He was waiting for it.

James thought maybe he wasn’t destined for that. After twenty three years, one started to wonder if they would ever feel love in that way. Maybe all he was destined for was platonic love. And maybe that could be okay, he adored his friends beyond all get out and he would never trade them just to experience romantic love. He wanted both, but it was rare to always get what you wanted.

Berry Mary

Thank you James, you’re a peach !!

He turned his phone off, picked up his acoustic, and strummed mindlessly, waiting for inspiration to strike. They were wrapping up soundcheck mostly, and they still had a couple of hours until the show. Ideally, he could write a song in that short amount of time. He had placed himself in a secluded room on purpose, hoping for time and privacy to just think.

What made a good song?

Apparently he was not as secluded as he thought he would be, because the door opened not even ten minutes after he had started trying to write a song.

He couldn’t be mad though, not when it was Lily Evans.

“Oh, sorry I didn’t think anyone was in here,” she said once she noticed James.

He shook his head, welcoming the distraction. “It’s okay, you can stay, if you want.”

She smiled. “Yeah, I will, thanks.” She sat next to him on the couch. “What are you working on?”

“Not a whole lot of anything, really.”

“Are you trying to work on something?”

He told her the whole entire story of how he needed to write another song before the end of the week and how he didn’t really want to bother anybody else with it because they were all just so busy and he could do it by himself. Lily listened, piping in with questions or giving advice. They had gotten a bit closer, ever since the night they had all gone out.

“Can’t you write about the wanting, though?” she asked. Very briefly James had mentioned how he didn’t know how to write about being in love and the longing he had for it. Lily, now officially the smartest person that James had ever met, just swooped in with a solution.

“Oh my God. I could,” he said, staring at his guitar like it was it’s fault he didn’t think of it sooner. There were plenty of people out there that could relate to a song about wanting to be loved, he knew he wasn’t alone in that feeling, as isolating as it could be. “Lily, you're a genius.”

She smiled, slightly smug. “I know.”

“How’s the sound?” he asked. He had no idea what the specifics of her job really were, just that she was in charge of the sound in the venue and that she was good at it.

“Same as always,” she said with a shrug.

She leaned forward and grabbed the bag of Doritos that James had been eating. When he was stressed he tended to forget to eat, but if the food was right in front of him he would be reminded that he was actually hungry. It was a bit of a trick around it he had learned in secondary school, particularly during exam season. It started because Sirius had done it for him, bringing food up to their room from the kitchens and putting it directly in front of his face. Mindlessly, he would eat while he was working and therefore remember to eat.

“Well, are you going to play me a song?” she asked, getting more comfortable on the couch.

James smiled. “Any requests?”

“One of yours?”

James decided to play a song that he hadn’t even thought about in forever. It was another fan favorite, they just usually didn’t play it on stage, and he had been pretty busy with new music, so he didn’t revisit their old things as much.

He started the picking pattern, and Lily seemed to realize right away what song he had decided to sing for her.

Play the scene over again

Before the credits rolling in

Inside my head

I don’t recall a single word

You hit me faster than I hurt

Inside my head

Lily started singing the chorus with him, her voice soft. She hadn’t had any voice training, but she could carry a tune pretty well, and it was less about the quality of the sound and more about the feeling and the enjoyment of the music itself.

There was something about singing an old song that turned James’ mood around, even if it wasn’t technically a very happy song. It reminded him of simpler times where music was just music and they were just kids.

“You’re not half bad, Potter,” Lily said after he had strummed the final chords.

He smiled, resting his guitar against the couch and kicking his feet up onto the coffee table. She held the bag of chips out for him without a word, and he took a handful, not caring about the chip dust he was getting all over.

“You’re alright yourself, Evans.”

“High praise,” she said, amusement dancing in her eyes.

To pass time before the show, James turned on a movie. The room they were in had a tv, and he kept clicking through random channels until he found something they could both agree on watching. It ended up being 50 First Dates, the Adam Sandler movie with Drew Barrymore, since it was one of the only recognizable titles.

“It’s ridiculous,” Lily said. The movie had started around the middle, but it didn’t matter since they had both already seen it before.

“It’s love,” James said, as if that explained everything.

“She doesn’t know him though!” Apparently, Lily was very passionate on this movie in particular, and James was wishing he had chosen something else. “She gets to know him every day, but twenty four hours is not enough time to fall in love.”

“Yeah, but she’s already met him before,” James points out.

She shook her head, her ponytail swinging back and forth while she readjusted her position on the couch. “Yeah, but she doesn’t remember it. She had no memory of him, he’s a stranger every single day. It just seems fucked up, does it not?”

James nodded, although he had never thought about it that deeply. It seemed easier to just agree with Lily, and he had the feeling she was right anyway.

The debate sparked again once they got to the ending, where they’re on a boat with a kid. James was starting to see how it was a bit problematic.

“Imagine waking up nine months pregnant and not knowing how it got there!” she said loudly. “And the video? He could be a stranger who kidnapped her and is lying for all she knows.”

He laughed a little bit. “If you hate the movie so much why did you let me pick it?” James asked once the credits rolled onto screen.

She turned her head to look at him. “I don’t hate the movie.”

“You don’t?”

“No, I love this movie.”

“But… You just- I don’t- What?”

“You can like something and still recognize that it’s flawed.”

His phone beeped before he could respond, not that he would have even known what to say to that.

Pads

Prongs??

Where are you??

Also do you know where Lily is?

Lion’s Head is going on in like ten minutes

HELLOO??

James

Sorry, we were watching a movie

On our way

Pads

A movie ;)

James

No.

Pads

No?

Lily’s cute

James

Yes xx

But not for me

Pretty sure she’s lesbian too

Pads

Oops

So

A movie.

Full stop.

James

Now you’re getting it

Pads

Well hurry up !

Pete’s helping with eyeliner

“We’re late,” he told Lily, grabbing the remote and turning off the t.v. 

He still had to get ready since he had yet to change out of his lounge clothes. Plus they were apparently going to be wearing eyeliner. When in Miami, he supposed.

Lily checked the time and basically flew out of the room, she had a bit less time to get to where she needed to be, and he felt a bit bad about keeping her there for so long, they had just lost track of time. The allure of Adam Sandler no doubt.

James was very pleased to see that Remus and Sirius were at least in the same room. Peter was doing Remus’ eyeliner, keeping his hand very steady, when James walked in. Remus appeared calm, letting Pete just draw whatever he wanted onto his face. They liked to do face makeup for shows, although they frequently ran out of time and didn’t get to do it for the last couple.

“Finally,” Sirius said with a heavy sigh. 

His eyes were already outlined with a thick line of black, making his blue eyes pop even more than normal. He had glitter on his cheekbones too, no doubt also the work of their very own Peter Pettigrew. Really, nobody could do makeup like he could, except maybe Marlene.

He took in James’ outfit and scrunched his face up a little bit. “Please tell me that’s not what you’re wearing.”

“Chic, isn’t it?” he asked, smoothing down his t-shirt.

Sirius shook his head. “Lost causes, the lot of you.”

“Hey!” Pete said, offended. He was already dressed in black jeans and a ripped up t-shirt.

“I can’t be the only one in this band who can dress,” Sirius said, defending himself. He was pacing around a little bit, either trying to find something to do or pretending to be busy.

James rolled his eyes fondly. Sirius was nervous. He hadn’t seen him nervous for a show in…well, ever really, save for whenever James’ mum was in the crowd. He was always full of unwavering confidence, even when they were playing tiny gigs at local pubs, he didn’t let nerves get to him. 

Their first real show, in front of people that had paid to see them, Peter spent almost an hour dry heaving in the bathroom before they went on, and Remus became a bit of a chatterbox, talking nonsense. James had been silent, trying to focus on remembering how to play the guitar and sing at the same time, he had been so worried he was going to mess it up. But Sirius? He had been so sure that they were going to be fantastic that he was the same as always, if not more confident.

But this was the first show Regulus would be at, and that made Sirius into a bundle of nerves. None of Sirius’ family members (flesh and blood) had ever come to see a show. Not his mum or his dad or any of his cousins, and certainly not Regulus, even if he had wanted to be supportive.

James raised an eyebrow at him, silently communicating exactly what was going on in his head. Sirius seemed to just then notice that he was pacing and promptly stopped.

“That’s enough. Go get ready,” Sirius said, avoiding the topic.

James decided to let him, for now at least.

His outfit for that night was a tight pink t-shirt and looser light denim jeans with a belt that Sirius told him he needed to add or he would look too boring.

“You’re hot Prongs, but that doesn’t mean you get away with not accessorizing,” Sirius said, digging through the bag he had brought and pulling out a black belt that had shiny jewels on and around the buckle.

Peter put eyeliner on him too, yelling at James to sit still when he kept squirming. He couldn’t help it, it tickled.

And just like that, they were ready.

***

Barty and Evan had to go do their jobs, Sirius was off, probably making out with Remus, he had no idea where Peter was, and James was with Lily. He was his last resort, and that idea left his head just as quickly as it had come. When he stopped just outside the room he heard them serenading each other, he was pretty sure, and he did not want to walk in on that.

He had lingered for just a moment, listening again to the sound of James playing and singing, and then Lily had joined in and he realized James was not alone in the room. Really, he thought they were an unlikely pairing, but it wasn’t like Regulus cared.

He did not care.

He was bored though, and there wasn’t a lot going on. The soundcheck was over, so it wasn’t like he could just go out there and watch anymore. His friends were busy, Dorcas was working and Pandora was honestly probably napping.

Eventually he wandered into a room where the other band was getting ready. Lion’s Head , he was pretty sure it was called. He wanted to turn right back around though, locking eyes with Marlene. He didn’t feel bad about saying no, not really, he just hated awkward situations.

And it was awkward, considering the fact that he didn’t know the names of the other three people in the room.

“Regulus! Hi!” Marlene said when she saw him in the doorway. She was wearing a sparkly top and tight black shorts, and before she had been leaning over a sink to look in the mirror and do her makeup. It must be getting close to showtime.

There was a guy in the corner tuning a guitar, and he looked up briefly to see who had walked in the room. Regulus felt his eyes run over him, and then he raised his hand in a sort of half wave before going back to tuning the guitar. He had dark tan skin and big curly hair that fell in front of his eyes each time he tried to push it back.

“Oh, Sirius’ brother, right?” That voice came from a blonde, and she had been shuffling and reshuffling a deck of cards since Regulus had first walked in. She didn’t appear to be actually playing with them though, just messing around with them. Her hair looked more natural than Marlene’s, and her skin was paler.

He was used to that question, but it didn’t mean he liked it. He had made a name for himself outside of his brother, but of course everyone here would only know him as one thing, and that was as a relative of Sirius.

“Yeah, sure,” he said, still ready to turn on his heel at any moment.

The other person in the room was a girl with long dark hair, and she was struggling to zip up her boots that went all the way to her knees. As soon as she had gotten the zipper unstuck, she straightened up and smiled at Regulus.

“Hi, I’m Emmeline,” she said, holding her hand out for Regulus to shake.

“Regulus.”

“That’s Alice and Benjy,” she said, pointing at both of them respectively.

“You’re staying for the show, aren’t you?” Marlene asked. At least, she didn’t seem to harbor any resentment over the fact that Regulus said no, and he kind of appreciated it. Plus, he was on the track to changing his mind anyway.

“Yeah, I am.”

Marlene nodded. “Good.”

He felt a bit like he was just intruding on more space that wasn’t his, but nobody seemed to mind. Everyone kept doing their own thing as if he wasn’t basically a stranger to them. They were less chaotic than Sirius’ band, at least so far. There was low music in the background, nothing overly hype or loud, and there was the strumming of Benjy’s guitar every couple of minutes.

It was different from how James played. He didn’t know how he knew that, he could just feel it. The weight of the strums, the pressure on the frets, it was different.

It took him a while of just hovering awkwardly for him to work himself up to it, but he did get there in the end.

“I’ll do it,” he said to Marlene, but it got the attention of everyone, and Benjy stopped playing the guitar.

Her eyes widened, and she knew what he was talking about right away, her energy and excitement growing at the same time. “Really?” He nodded. It was just one song anyway, it wouldn’t take him very long to write scores for a couple of orchestral instruments, especially not if Marlene already had an idea of what she wanted it to sound like. Marlene walked right up to him and then stopped in her tracks. “Can I hug you?”

He pursed his lips, nodding slightly. She wrapped her arms around him briefly, squeezing him once and not caring at all that he tensed up a bit. It wasn’t Marlene’s fault that Regulus needed a couple of minutes to deal with being touched. Still, she kept the hug short and ended up practically bouncing around the room, twirling Emmeline around.

“Puta madre, Em!” she said.

Marlene turned back to Regulus. “Okay, umm I have like thirty minutes before we have to be on stage. Wanna start now?”

He shrugged, not having anything better to do. “Sure.”

She grabbed a bunch of papers, a keyboard, and her phone before leading him to the room next door, which was empty. Regulus had never realized just how many empty rooms concert venues seemed to have in the back.

“Okay,” she said, setting the keyboard down on the table, turning it on and testing out the keys. just to make sure they were working. “So I wrote it for piano, but I want it to build and build, you know? I’m talking violins upon violins, cellos, harps, everything.”

Next she pulled out a couple sheets of paper that were slightly crumpled, and she tried to smooth them out before handing them to Regulus. First, he looked at what she had written for piano, hearing the chords in his head before he read the lyrics.

“It’s a breakup song, it’s dramatic and I wrote it when I was just really, really sad,” she explained, feeling like she needed to give some forewarning for the lyrics, which he hadn’t gotten to yet. From just the chords he got a sense that the base of the song was simple, and that Marlene was looking for something that would elevate it to the next level.

He shuffled the papers so that the lyrics were on top, and Marlene started biting her fingernails a bit nervously while he read them. Regulus was pleasantly surprised, Marlene was a fantastic songwriter at the very least.

So many feelings, struggling to leave my mouth

And it's not that rare for me to let myself down

In a big way

But I had enough time and I found enough reason to accept that

It's not the same anymore

I lost the joy in my face

My life was simple before

I should be happy, of course

He didn’t know what had happened with her breakup, but from the song he knew right away that it had been a lot to deal with. While Regulus couldn’t exactly relate, the song still stabbed him, and he knew he made the right decision in helping her write the music score.

Regulus turned one of the extra papers over, already scribbling down some ideas.

“Will you play?” he asked, barely glancing up to gesture at the keyboard.

He already sort of knew how it was supposed to sound, but it was always easier when he was able to actually hear the chords and envision what different instruments would sound like in comparison to that. Marlene played the song and Regulus wrote down some more notes. He surprised himself a little bit, with how quickly he threw himself into the song.

Not being able to play any of the instruments was going to be a bit of a hindrance and it would make things more difficult. He would have to use his phone to simulate the instruments, and everybody knew that music sounded different when the actual physical instrument was making it.

He worked in silence for a while, even after Marlene finished playing the keyboard and was clearly a bit nervous about the song. There was a vulnerability to it, no doubt, but he was too busy to reassure her that it was good. She wrote it, she should already know.

“Regulus?”

He looked up from the sheet, trying not to be mad at her for interrupting. It was her song after all. “Yeah?”

“I have to be on stage in like two minutes. Will you be fine?”

He was about to just say yes and leave it at that, but he also knew that if he stayed there then he would lose track of time and miss another one of Sirius’ shows, which he promised he wouldn’t do.

“I think I’ll keep working this in the wings,” he said, piling everything up so it would be easier to carry.

She smiled. “Fantastic, then you can see the show!”

She left before he did, running later than she had thought and still having to go get mic’d up. He took his time, balancing everything in one hand. He left the keyboard since there would have been no way for him to carry it, and he didn’t really need it.

Backstage was busy, especially because the opening act was due to go on any minute. Regulus found a spot where he had a clear view of the entire stage, which of course meant everyone on stage could see him, but he didn’t think that would be an issue. He was hidden from the crowd, although he could hear them scream as soon as the lights went out. 

If this was just for the opening act, Regulus couldn’t begin to imagine what it would be like when Sirius’ band went on stage. 

He worked a little bit, but he was mostly distracted by the stage. Marlene had a great voice, one that was pretty well suited for more pop punk type songs, so he would be interested to hear what it sounded like when she was singing a slower and more emotional ballad.

I spend a long time putting up with people

Putting on my best face

It's only normal when you stop things in the wrong way

It's only four o'clock and still, it's been a long day

I just wanna hit the hay

People knocking on me like every day

I'm tired of taking stress

If only there could be another way

I'm tired of feeling suppressed

And when they want me the most

I'm tired of acting like I care, but I do

And I can't wait to hit the bed

But tomorrow makes me scared

Regulus had always loved poetry, and that translated to lyrics as well. He didn’t know the exact cadence in which she was going to sing it, but he could imagine with the scores she had given him for the piano.

“Hey.”

Regulus looked up at the voice, slightly surprised to see his brother standing there. He was clearly ready for the show, and he was wearing dark makeup around his eyes. He hadn’t been able to connect the idea of the brother he knew and the rockstar he didn’t know until that moment, Sirius looked like rock and roll, and Regulus finally understood.

“Hi?”

“What’s that?” he asked, having to raise his voice so that Regulus could hear him over the band.

“Scores for Marlene’s song,” he said like it wasn’t a big deal.

Sirius didn’t buy it for a moment, and his eyes sort of widened in surprise. He was probably the only person who really understood Regulus’ connection to music, it was important to both of them in different ways. Sirius used it to connect, Regulus used it to remember to feel.

“You’re writing again?”

He shrugged. “Just this.”

“I think that’s great.”

Regulus probably would have continued the conversation had he been able to speak, but with the appearance of James Potter, that ability was gone . He was wearing a tight pink t-shirt, making his arms look bigger than they probably were and the outline of his abs was visible. His jeans were loose and light blue, but they fit perfectly around his waist from the belt. His stomach was barely visible, maybe an inch between the bottom hem of the shirt to the top of the jeans, but Regulus could not take his eyes away from it, not until he remembered that Sirius was right there.

He looked back up, which was just as much of a mistake. James was wearing makeup, he had a thinner circle of eyeliner on and glitter dusting his cheekbones.

“Excited for the show?” James asked him, completely oblivious to the very impure thoughts in Regulus’ head.

He nodded, deciding that focusing on Sirius was easier since he would never think about him like that, not in a million years. Incestual habits were thankfully not passed down to their generation.

“Aren’t they great?” James asked, flicking his gaze to the stage for a moment where Marlene was singing I Kissed a Girl .

“Yeah, they are.”

“He’s writing a song for them,” Sirius said.

Regulus glared. “No, I’m not.”

“You are?” James asked, eyes lighting up a little.

“I’m helping with an orchestral score,” he said.

“He’s writing it, actually.”

“Sirius, shut up.”

“No.”

“You’re the worst.”

Sirius smiled. “Well, had to make sure you were actually gonna be watching.”

“I’ll be here.”

He nodded. “We have to go get mic’d.”

“Have fun,” he said, sitting back down when they walked away.

James waved obnoxiously, walking backwards for a couple of seconds before almost tripping and turning back around.

He kept working until the show officially started and he wasn’t able to pay attention to the music staffs in front of him.