balancing act

James loved Miami. He loved all of the people, he loved how busy everything always was, he loved the weather, and the sunshine. He loved that he was there with his best friends for three entire days, free to do what they wanted when they weren’t performing.

He didn’t know if it was possible to fall in love with a city, but he was certain that’s what he was feeling.

On their second day there (and their only official 24hr day there), James woke up late. He had been in Sirius’ room for most of the night, they all were, mostly drinking from the minibar iand trying to work on some music instead of going out. Their label was on them to start writing things for the next album already and they had a ton of half finished ideas that they just couldn’t seem to get right.

After your album goes big, you’re expected to just have another one ready, something bigger and better. It was a lot of pressure to try and create something that was new and also something that was similar enough to get the same reaction.

Another reason he woke up late was because of the fact that he couldn’t sleep. After Regulus had woken him up, James could not stop thinking about him. He didn’t mean to, but his brain just kept replaying the moment Regulus’ cold hands touched James’ stomach. He let him do it for too long, he knew Regulus was drunk, and even just those couple of seconds of contact made James feel like he was taking advantage.

It was likely that he would have stayed sleeping the whole day if Marlene hadn’t come to wake him up. She was rather abrupt about it, pounding on the door just like Regulus had done the night before and yelling that she wanted to go out for lunch.

Really and truthfully, he adored Marlene. But she had interrupted his dream (the one where he just kept re-living the moment of skin to skin contact, it was rather embarrassing really) and he was still very tired.

“Finally,” she said with a giant exhale when he opened the door for her. She walked right into the room, instructing that he needs to get ready and that they were going out for lunch.

“Couldn’t you have bothered somebody else?” James asked, throwing the first t-shirt he found over his head.

“Nope.” Marlene was wearing a pair of light blue denim jeans and a dark red tank top, one of her staple outfits for a mostly casual day. The show wasn’t until the next day, so they really had all the time in the world to do as they pleased. “Plus, you’re my best wingman.”

He sighed, slipping his tennis shoes on as he realized what the day was going to entail. Ever since she had broken up with Mary, she had been… James didn’t know how to put it kindly, but Marlene was just sleeping with a lot of women. She was hiding how much the break up had actually affected her, but the truth was evident in the songs she had been writing recently.

And do you tell her she’s the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen

An eternal love bullshit you know you’ll never mean

Remember when I believed you meant it when you said it first to me?

Safe to say, she was a little bit bitter about the way Mary and Emmeline had been getting on as of late, which was making everything a bit complicated with their band.

Of course, James was not allowed to mention this or bring up Mary at all. He would have to call her ‘the manager’ whenever Marlene was around, and in their band Benjy had taken the role Marlene had in terms of keeping Mary updated with everything.

“Really?” he asked.

“Yes. We’re in Miami, there are tons of hot women,” she said. Just recently she had dyed her hair blonde, trading out the deep red she normally wore for something brighter, something different. It suited her very nicely, even if the roots were a bit grown out.

“I know Marls, it’s just…” he trailed off, not sure where he was even going with the sentence.  She raised an eyebrow at him, almost trying to challenge him to say something. He decided it could wait until they weren’t in Miami, he would let her have fun, even if he was worried. “Should we invite everyone?”

She smiled, bouncing off the bed. “We could go to the beach!”

Just outside of their hotel, across a busy street, was a beautiful and large beach that was full of locals and tourists alike. It was a beautiful day outside, so of course everyone was soaking in the sun as much as they possibly could. Although he was pretty sure that Florida was hot year round, so it wasn’t like they had limited time to enjoy it.

Marlene was apparently very convincing, because a little more than thirty minutes later, everyone was on their way to the beach. Literally everyone.

Sirius, Remus, Peter, Marlene, Emmeline, Alice, Benjy, Lily, Regulus.

Everyone.

James was ecstatic. Just because they were all on tour together did not mean that they saw each other all that often. Of course, he saw them a good bit, but it was usually in passing or when they were at the venue where there was hardly enough time to enjoy each other’s company.

“James, tell Moony he’s stupid for bringing a book,” Sirius said, practically stomping over to the towel that James was sitting on.

He glanced at Remus, who had a tiny smile on his lips while he kept his focus on the book, even if he wasn’t actually reading it and instead listening to their conversation.

“I’m not doing that,” he said.

“But I want him to come in the ocean with me,” Sirius said. He turned his head to look back at Remus. “Moony, it’s the ocean.”

It was obvious that Sirius was going to win the ‘fight’, Remus couldn’t stop smiling as if he were amused that Sirius wanted his attention that much, and he even put the book down not even five minutes later, going to join almost everyone in the ocean.

James was about to follow, but he didn’t want to leave Regulus on the beach alone, even if they weren’t talking. He was still wearing his clothes, a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, both of which belonged to Sirius.

“You don’t have to stay with me,” Regulus said, being the first to break the silence. He was wearing a pair of sunglasses, and James imagined he was hungover.

He shrugged, acting as if it wasn’t a big deal. It really wasn’t, he didn’t want anyone to be miserable or alone, and he didn’t mind being in Regulus’ company.

“I know.”

They both went silent again, and for a moment James thought he had fallen asleep, he was barely moving. 

“Did I go to your room last night?”

James smiled, feeling goosebumps all over despite the hot weather. Cold hands were all he could think about again, all he wanted. “Yeah, you did.”

He hummed softly. “Right. I was drunk.”

“Oh? I hadn’t noticed.”

Regulus laughed; very lightly, hardly even there, and James froze at the sound. He very much liked making Regulus laugh. His stomach bubbled up a little in a nervous excitement, a similar feeling to the one he got right before he went on stage.

He wanted to keep the conversation going, he liked the idea of them talking, of him making Regulus laugh again, or smile, or even roll his eyes. Although he supposed he wouldn’t know if that would happen unless he took off his sunglasses.

“Your friends are our security, then?” James asked, grasping at the first thing he thought of.

“Yeah, Evan and Barty.”

James had known their names, as well as their other security; Gideon and Fabian Prewett, he just hadn’t known that they knew Regulus. They kept to themselves mostly, although Barty seemed to talk to more people than Evan did.

“Are they dating?” James asked, because really he had been dying to know.

“I don’t know,” Regulus responded. 

“You don’t know?”

He shrugged, lifting his sunglasses to the top of his head and giving James the perfect view of his eyes. “No. I don’t think they are, not yet anyway.”

James found it a bit odd that he didn’t know for sure, but maybe he just didn’t understand how their friendship worked. He couldn’t imagine not knowing if his friends were dating or not, but maybe that was because James preferred to be open and honest about everything.

He thought he would have to drive the conversation, not expecting Regulus to really put in all that much work. So, James was pleasantly surprised when Regulus spoke again after a short pause, like he had been working up to asking.

“The next stop, where is it?”

James smiled, thinking about how nice of a surprise the Miami stop had to have been. He would have loved to be surprised with a stop in Miami, although knowing about it had been equally as exciting in his opinion.

“You don’t want to be surprised again?” James asked.

Regulus leaned forward a little bit, focusing on the water and the way the waves crashed against the shore. Or maybe he was looking at where sky met sea, or the groups of people and their dynamics. James supposed he could never truly know what Regulus had decided to pay attention to.

“A couple of my friends want to come see a show,” Regulus told him.

James realized he had looked away for a reason, that he didn’t want it to be too real, like maybe he could pretend he wasn’t actually asking.

“Tampa.”

Regulus turned his head, locking eyes with James again.

Cold. James wanted to be cold.

“Is Tampa nice?”

James broke into a huge grin. “It’s Miami part two. How many tickets will you need?”

“Just two.”

James could easily get two tickets, and he promised Regulus that if his friends wanted to come, he would make sure they had the best seats in the house. 

“You’re gonna get weird tan lines,” James told him after a couple of minutes. 

Regulus looked at him, slightly amused. “Are you just trying to get me to take my shirt off, Potter?”

“What? No, no. I just meant-”

“I know what you meant,” he said, the picture of calm. 

A little crush was harmless, he could handle and manage a little crush. This was bordering on dangerous, because yeah, he did kind of want him to take his shirt off. He had been thinking about it since he saw Regulus in the stupid crop top the night before actually, consuming his thoughts. 

“James?”

“Yes?”

“Go swim.”

That was not what he had been expecting, if he was honest. He supposed he didn’t have any idea what Regulus was going to say, it was a surprise almost every time, but still. 

“What?”

“Go swim.”

“Only if you do too.”

“I have a cast on. I can’t.” James frowned, his eyes traveling down to the green cast like maybe he had just forgotten it was there. He had, if he was honest. It just sort of blurred into the background of things. 

Still, James’ conscience wouldn’t let him just leave Regulus there alone, no matter what he said. 

“Barty and Evan are gonna be here in like half an hour with beer. So go swim.”

“You’re alone.”

“I’m always alone.”

That made James incredibly sad, because he didn’t have to be alone anymore, not really. He could just stay with them for the remainder of the tour, if he wanted. Then he wouldn’t have to be alone. 

“And right now I want to be.”

“You want to be?” James asked, approaching it carefully. 

He nodded. “Yes. So go swim so I can be alone.”

It took a little while longer for Regulus to convince him, but he seemed pretty dead set that he did just want a couple of minutes alone, even if he was refusing to tell James the real reason why. 

“Done flirting?” Marlene asked him as he got in the water, diving right in to get used to the temperature. 

He smiled, shaking his hair and getting water all over her, making her yell and laugh a little bit as she tried to dunk him in the water. They both ended up going down, swallowing a couple mouthfuls of salt water by the time they resurfaced. 

James coughed, flipping off Marlene when she laughed at him. 

He kept looking back to where Regulus was sitting, surrounded by all of their towels and chairs and looking content for once, peaceful. He was under an umbrella, and it looked like he picked up Remus’ book, although it was hard to see from this far away since he had left his glasses over there. 

“Prongs!” Peter yelled to him. He looked like maybe he had been arguing with Sirius, although it all seemed to be in good fun. 

“What?” he yelled back, not caring about all of the people in between them that had turned at the sound of the yell. 

“Tell Sirius I’m not burnt!”

From where he was, James couldn’t tell. But he did know that Peter got sunburnt if he spent even just a couple of minutes in the sun. 

He and Marlene made their way over, and after a bit of squinting, James had no choice but to tell Peter that he looked like a lobster. 

“Mr. Krabs specifically though, James. Tell him,” Sirius said, a giddy smile on his face. 

James smiled at Peter, only nodding slightly to confirm that what Sirius said was true. “Wormy, you might want to take a little break from the sun.”

He sighed, storming out of the water dramatically (and failing because it’s impossible to look cool while getting out of the water). 

***

It was hot outside, almost miserably hot. He couldn’t go swimming because he couldn’t get his cast wet, not to mention that he literally did not know how to swim. 

James had finally left him alone, and for a minute Regulus actually didn’t know what to do with himself. For the past thirty minutes they had just been sitting there, and he had gotten so comfortable with it he forgot what was going on. 

He settled on reading the book that Remus had left, not all that invested in it. His mind kept drifting anyway, and he still had a headache from the night before. Sirius had kicked him awake, mumbling something about a blonde dragging them to the beach, and the next thing he knew that was exactly where he was. 

Barty and Evan were on their way, but they had never really showed up on time to anything, so he didn’t expect them to show up at the time they had promised. He texted back Dorcas and Pandora, letting them know he bought them tickets to Tampa in a couple of days and they had no choice but to come.

They had both been wanting to come see a show ever since they found out that Regulus was basically acting as a groupie. He would have just asked Sirius, but he was running out of time and James was right there. It was convenient.

After maybe twenty minutes, Peter came out of the water, sulking a little bit. His skin was bright red, particularly his back and face, sunburnt without a doubt.

He sat on a towel next to Regulus, both of them under the umbrella. He didn’t complain when Peter dripped water onto him, it wasn’t worth it. They were at the beach after all.

“Are you reading?” Peter asked.

“Remus left his book.”

Really, he hadn’t been paying much attention to the book. There was a lot going on around him, with all of the people and all of the activities around him, he didn’t really want to focus on the book. 

“Have you really been sitting under here this whole time?”

“Yes.” Peter stood up, starting to button up the hawaiian shirt he had been wearing and clearly wanting for Regulus to get up with him. “What?”

“We’re going on a walk. Come on.”

With nothing better to do, Regulus got up with him, putting his sunglasses back over his eyes while he followed Peter out to the sidewalk and the streets of Miami. They were just as crowded as the beach was, just with a different cluster of people. The beach was mostly families and young people, the boardwalk was a bunch of people either already drinking, or older couples.

Peter took them to a coffee shop, and Regulus was actually grateful. He hadn’t had enough coffee that morning and he knew it would help his headache. Being in the sun and heat wasn’t really helping either, but it wasn’t like Sirius would just let him leave. He had been very adamant that Regulus had to come with, and he didn’t feel like starting an argument when trying to refuse.

“Are you coming out with us tonight?” Peter asked.

They decided to stay and sit in the coffee shop to cool off a little bit, although Peter was probably going to feel warm for the next couple of days at least from the sunburn.

“I don’t know,” Regulus said, not even aware he was invited. Last night had been the first night in a long time where he had properly gone out drinking, and while he had a very high alcohol tolerance, keeping up with Barty and Evan was harder than he thought. He didn’t know if going out a second night in a row was even a good idea, after the disaster.

He was still kicking himself for going to the wrong room, although James hadn’t made him feel bad about it or anything. He wished he simply couldn’t remember, but the memory of him touching James was right there, torturing him. Really, why had he done that?

It was painful, the way he just lost all of his inhibitions when he was drunk. He never properly thought anything through, like running his hands along the torso of a man he hated. But James had been so warm, why was he always so warm? It was unfair.

When they got back to the beach, mostly everyone had gotten out of the water, eating the snacks they had brought and drinking what Barty and Evan had brought with them. Regulus didn’t even want to look at alcohol at that moment, so he stuck with the iced coffee and water he already had.

“Alright?” Barty asked, an almost evil smile on his face as he watched how Regulus was struggling with the day.

Evan gave him a small pat on the back, condescending in the way he was laughing. “Poor Reggie.”

“I hate you guys.”

A blonde that had been mostly hanging around James and Sirius came up to Regulus with a big smile on her face, holding her hand out for him to shake. He had no idea who she was, just that she knew the people he knew, which meant they should probably know each other.

“Hi, I’m Marlene.”

He shook her hand, still a bit thrown off that she had chosen a handshake as a way of greeting someone. “Regulus,” he responded.

He thought maybe the conversation would end there, that she would go back to talking to people she actually knew instead of talking to Regulus. But she sat down with him and Evan when Barty went off to play with the giant beach ball they had found. Regulus was pretty sure it belonged to a child, however nobody had come up to them and asked for it back.

“I’m Evan,” he said, leaning forward a little to introduce himself.

Marlene laughed, and Regulus felt there was some joke he wasn’t quite picking up on. He was sure that Lily was…nice, but he didn’t really want to try and keep up a conversation with her. At some point Barty had traded the water Regulus was drinking for a wine cooler, as if he wouldn’t notice the switch. Still, Regulus was feeling better, so he didn’t mention it.

“So, you’re a dancer?” she asked him.

Regulus glanced down at his arm and then back at Marlene. She seemed to have good intentions with asking, but it was painfully obvious that he couldn’t do any real ballet for a long time. He could probably do a pirouette or even be on pointe, but one arm would just be hanging there, and dancing could cause it to break more if something went wrong. His center of gravity would be off too, without the ability to balance as well, which left more room for error.

“I was,” he said. It was becoming more and more real. He wasn’t a dancer, not anymore, and who knew if he ever would be again.

“How long are you staying?”

He shrugged, secretly very pleased that she didn’t try to apologize or ask any more questions. “Couple more days.”

They told him he only had to be there for a week, and it had already been… What? Three days? Had he really only been there for three days? Everything was already starting to blur together, he could hardly keep the timelines straight in his head.

She smiled like she was pleased with the information Regulus had given her. “Want to stay longer?”

“No,” he said instinctively. He was on a set timeline and he did not have any plans of diverging from that.

“Why not?”

His first thought was to respond with ‘Because I have things to do’ , but really that wasn’t true. He had loads of time now, although maybe he should be using that time to find a job. Or attend university, he supposed he had always wanted to go, he just had never been able to because ballet took up all of his time.

“I want to go home,” he said eventually, another lie. He really didn’t care where he was. There wasn’t much waiting for him at home except for an empty flat. He supposed Dorcas lived nearby, but she was impossibly busy trying to manage so many professional dancers.

“Over this?” she asked, gesturing around at everyone. Evan, who had always had a pretty firm grasp on social cues, seemed to pick up on the fact that Marlene wanted to have a private conversation with him, and he directed Barty away when he tried to come back.

“Is there a point to this?” he asked.

Marlene’s smile grew, and she nodded, moving to sit in a more comfortable position and to sit closer to him.

“I might have looked you up,” she said, and internally Regulus groaned. He hated how easy it was to find every single detail about his life online. Likely the only thing that wasn’t there was his phone number and address. But his early life, his path in ballet, information about his family, all of it was available for anyone to see. He had no clue what she was going to ask now though. He had an impressive resume, and Regulus was attentive enough to pick up on the fact that she wanted something from him. 

“You looked me up?” he asked. Still, he didn’t know who Marlene was in relation to anyone else. Was she a friend? A girlfriend? Was she working on the tour?

“Yes, I did. You are quite talented, you know?”

He nodded. “I know.”

“You play violin.”

“I do, yes,” he said slowly. Normally, people didn’t ask him about music. He was technically very talented at most classical music as well as composition, although he hadn’t been allowed to pursue it very much. He supposed he could have done what Sirius did and just done it anyway, but he had never been as brave.

“Brilliant!”

He looked at her skeptically. She wasn’t explaining anything, and Regulus had a lot of questions.

“Who are you?”

Her smile dropped a little bit. “I already told you I’m Marlene.”

“I know.”

“So if you know-”

“Why are you here?” he said, trying again and hoping he got his point across this time. Marlene seemed to be a bit all over the place, just a bundle of energy that didn’t seem to want to stay in one spot.

“On tour?” He nodded and realization dawned on her face. “Oh, sorry. I’m the lead singer of the opening act, Lion’s Head.”

Regulus didn’t even know there was an opening act, if anything he thought that Sirius’ band would have been the opener, although maybe they were more successful than he had originally thought. He would find out tomorrow though, when he went to their show like he promised.

“You probably haven’t heard of us,” she said. Normally, a sentence like that would sound self pitying, but Marlene was just stating it like it was a fact, like she was aware of her status, but she was confident enough that she was going to change it.

“No, sorry.” He didn’t listen to a lot of music other than classical scores for ballet, not since he was younger anyway. So even if they were well known, he probably wouldn’t have heard them anyway.

She shrugged it off. “Well, you know us now.”

“Right.”

There was a loud beat of silence, and Regulus still didn’t know what she wanted, she hadn’t yet gotten to the point and her attention was drawn to the volleyball game that a handful of strangers were playing. They weren’t very good at it, Regulus noticed. Although he supposed they were just playing for fun and not for competition. He wasn’t used to that, doing things just because he enjoyed it rather than to prove a point or to win something.

“Oh, yeah!” Marlene turned her attention back to him. “The violin. You play?”

“Yes.”

“Do you play any other instruments?”

“Yes,” he said again. He was classically trained in most everything, and Sirius had taught him guitar before he left. He hadn’t touched one since, but he was sure he could pick it back up again with ease, it would be like riding a bike.

“Do you write music?”

“Lyrics? No.”

“No, I mean like music,” she said, trying to remember the word.

“Music scores?” he asked.

She pointed at him excitedly. “Yes, that’s the word. Scores, do you write scores?”

Regulus hadn’t written anything in a very long time, but he did know how to. It wasn’t a skill he had lost, he could still read music on a staff and transcribe scales.

“I know how to, yeah.”

“Right, great,” she said. “So, I know you don’t really know me, but I already told you I’m a musician, friends with your brother and whatnot. And, I need to ask a really big favor.” He was already expecting this, although if he was honest he never expected the favor to have anything to do with music, not when most of his adult and young adult life had been dedicated to dance. He stayed quiet, which Marlene took as a cue to keep talking. “I’m writing a song, but I’m envisioning it to be very orchestral, right? The whole nine yards, with violins, cellos, etcetera.”

He was starting to see where he was supposed to fit into this, but before he could say anything or ask any questions, Marlene just kept on going.

“I don’t know how to write for any of that, not really. I play piano pretty well I guess, but that’s it. Oh, and guitar. But still. And none of my bandmates really know how to either, which means we would have to hire somebody, except that isn’t really in the budget right now but I will literally die if I don’t get this song made like it just has to happen, you know? And I could ask our manager, but I used to date her and it would just be awkward because the song is kind of about her-”

“Marlene,” he said, cutting off her rambling before he had to listen to anymore of it. Truthfully, he didn’t need her to give him a list of reasons as to why she needed his help, it wouldn’t change his answer either way. He did not want to do it.

She shut her mouth, a tiny smile on her lips. “Sorry.”

“I don’t think I’ll have time,” he said, trying to turn her down in the most gentle way he knew how, by lying.

Her face dropped, but she quickly picked it back up, clearly trying to not make him feel bad. “Yeah, no I get it. That’s alright. Thank you.”

Maybe he would have felt bad if he didn’t know that Sirius could have helped too, and that Regulus wasn’t the only option. They both knew classical music very well, and it was possible that Sirius knew it better by now, having stayed in the music industry.

He wasn’t her only option, and that was why he was comfortable saying no.

***

After hours spent in the sun and in the ocean, James was exhausted. It was a pleasant kind though, where his skin was warm and he could still feel the ocean rolling over him. He took a nap in Peter’s room, not wanting to walk all the way to his own. Plus, every thirty minutes Peter was asking him to put more aloe vera on his back, and it was easier to do if they were in the same room.

They still had big plans to have a night out, and they all had a couple of drinks at the beach. He slept until it was well past dinner time and the sun was starting to set completely. It was the second time he had been woken up against his will, but Peter was bored and he couldn’t stay asleep for very long.

Nightlife in Miami was different than it had been in New York. It was more beachy, and there were bars and things on the beach, as well as lots of drinks inspired by tropical things. James wore a pair of shorts and a button up that he left open because of how warm out it still was.

Mary had called Remus earlier, saying that the label wanted a new song and that they should stay in again to finish the one that James had started a couple of days ago. They lied to her when they said they would do that. they were in Miami, they had to go out and celebrate.

They were known enough that getting into the club had been easy, and they brought Lily with them since she had been dying to go out.

James found that he liked Lily. She was funny, and very good at her job. She was beautiful too, without a doubt, with her long red hair and bright green eyes. She also did not take any bullshit, which was an awe to witness in person. If a guy at the bar tried to make a move on her or do anything she didn’t like, she had it handled before any of them were even attune to the situation.

Sirius had basically disappeared, although they all knew where he was more or less. He was likely off making out with someone he just met in a random booth. It also meant that he would be asking James to borrow his room and leave him bunking with Remus or Peter. He didn’t mind that much, but it was a bit confusing sometimes, the way Sirius acted.

So, when they were all ready to leave, head back to the hotel and pass out until it was time for soundcheck the next day, they had to find Sirius first.

“I’ll wait outside,” Remus said, ducking out of the bar before anybody could respond to him. Lily followed almost immediately, leaving Peter and James to find Sirius.

He was in the bathroom, the door locked, making it all the more obvious what was going on. James sighed, leaning his head against the wall and closing his eyes while he waited. The bar was still loud, and very crowded. It took Peter a little while to find him, and the two of them waited in silence, passing a cigarette back and forth.

When the door opened the first person out was a tall, skinny man with sandy brown hair. He looked a bit like maybe he had seen God, and there were hickeys on his neck. He nodded at James and Peter, thinking that maybe they were just waiting for the bathroom.

Sirius came out next, after the other man was gone. He already had a cigarette in between his lips and his hair was pushed back like someone had been running their hands through it. Really, he looked like he had just gotten fucked, and he probably had if the other man was anything to go off of.

“In the bathroom, really?” Peter asked, nose scrunched up a little bit.

Sirius noticed them standing there then, a surprised look passing across his features to see them there before it settled back to nonchalance. “Couldn’t bring him back to my room exactly,” he said, a smug look on his face.

They made their way out of the bar, finding Lily and Remus leaning against the wall of the bar, watching the people walk by.

Even drunk, James could tell there was some sort of tension with Sirius and Remus. They had hardly spoken since the beach, and were both trying very hard to avoid eye contact.

He wasn’t going to say anything in front of Lily or Peter, not if they didn’t already know.

Peter talked the most on the way back, pointing out anything that he seemed to find interesting and just rambling to fill the silence. Lily joined him in it, talking nonsense that apparently only Peter could understand.

James hung back with Sirius, having to force him to keep walking. Ever since they had stepped outside he had been noticeably quiet, and he was dragging his feet.

Were they fighting? Really, whatever was going on they needed to work it out quickly. It was hard to be in a band if the members didn’t get along. It was going to translate into everything, the way they interacted on-stage, the songs, the interviews.

That was why James followed Sirius to his room, forgetting momentarily that he was sharing with Regulus and being surprised to see him there. He was wearing pajamas, but he wasn’t asleep. All of the lights were on and he was writing something. James couldn’t tell what because he snapped it shut before he got close enough.

Sirius seemed to freeze upon seeing Regulus as well, likely forgetting just like James had.

“Hello,” Regulus said, sitting up straighter and breaking the silence.

James couldn’t very well have a conversation with Sirius with his brother right there, not if his suspicions were right and they were fighting. 

“Hi,” Sirius said, kicking his shoes off and heading into the bathroom to get ready for bed.

James and Regulus were left alone in the room, and if James was smart he would have left or followed Sirius.

He wasn’t very smart.

“What’s that?” he asked, gesturing to the notebook.

“Nothing.”

James frowned. “Is it your diary?” he asked, teasing slightly.

“It’s not.”

James sat on the bed, keeping his distance but still wanting to be closer. “Fun night?”

“Something like that.”

“Why didn’t you swim today?” James asked, still pouting about it. “You could have put a plastic bag around the cast.”

Regulus raised his eyebrows in amusement, a tiny smile playing on his lips. He moved the notebook to the side table and stretched his legs out in front of him, getting more comfortable in the bed. James was drawn to his every movement.

“I don’t know how to swim.”

James’ jaw dropped in genuine surprise. Everyone knew how to swim, at least everyone over the age of twelve, or so he had thought. 

“You’re joking.”

“I’m not.”

James stood up, fully planning on taking Regulus to the ocean and teaching him how to swim right then. Of course, he had forgotten momentarily about Sirius and was quickly reminded when he walked out of the bathroom.

The more time he spent around Regulus, the less he thought they were identical. They did look alike, they were brothers so it only made sense. But, the differences were there and they were obvious if one was looking. Regulus had sharper features, fuller lips, darker eyes. Sirius had brighter eyes, a longer nose, longer hair.

“Oh, you’re still here?” Sirius asked him, stopping for a moment when he saw James before continuing his path.

His original mission popped back into his head, and he wondered how well it would go over if he kicked Regulus out for a couple of minutes. James couldn’t leave it alone either. He hadn’t had that much to drink, not in comparison to Remus or Lily. Even Sirius hadn’t had a lot, so what better time to ask him what the hell was going on.

“I need to talk to you,” he said.

“Okay, so talk.”

“Oh, are you guys breaking up?” Regulus asked, clearly amused with himself.

“I will throw you out the window,” Sirius said to him.

“Try it.”

“Don’t tempt me.”

“Sirius,” James said, interrupting them. Really they could go on forever if James didn’t change the subject.

He seemed to understand now that James wasn’t joking, that something was clearly bothering him. And, he kicked Regulus out, saying they just needed ten minutes. He complained the whole way out, saying something about how he was going to stab both of them in their sleep.

James didn’t think that was a terrible way to go.

“Is something going on with you and Remus?” James asked, getting right into it. They didn’t dance around things, just coming out and saying it no matter what.

Sirius literally froze, his eyes widening slightly. “What? No. Why? Did he say something?”

He found the reaction odd, the way he was almost scared that James had picked up on something. “You guys have been weird all night. Are you fighting?”

“I- James, I don’t even know,” Sirius said, falling back onto the bed. 

James joined him, both of them staring up at the ceiling.

“Did something happen?”

“Yeah,” Sirius said, exhaling a deep breath as if he was holding that one word inside of him. James didn’t respond, waiting for him to elaborate. “I fucked up.”

“What happened?”

Sirius didn’t answer him for a long time, long enough that James thought he might have fallen asleep had it not been for the sound of his uneven breathing. He wasn’t asleep, he was apparently just working up the courage to tell James the truth.

“I kissed him.”

“Who?” James asked almost immediately, as if there was no way he could have been talking about Remus.

Sirius sighed. “Moony. I kissed Moony.”

He didn’t know why it was taking his brain so long to catch up. “What? You mean our Moony?”

“Yes.”

“Remus?”

“Yup.”

James sat up, looking at Sirius. “You mean you kissed Remus Lupin?”

He covered his face with his hands, groaning loudly into them. “I know. It was stupid, and now he hates me and I fucked everything up.”

Sirius kissed Remus.

Okay, that was okay. Everyone had kissed Remus at some point, it was a right of passage really. Everyone who met him instantly fell in love. He had been James’ first kiss, even.

James wasn’t all that surprised, not really. It was only a matter of time before they got together, this just wasn’t the way he had expected it to happen.

“Padfoot, you didn’t fuck anything up.”

“I kissed Moony!”

“Yeah, you did do that.”

“You totally are not helping.”

“Okay, well how did he react?”

Sirius was blushing now, and James got the feeling he didn’t have the whole story.

“James?”

“Sirius,” he responded, slightly amused now.

“He kissed me back. Oh, fuck me, it was so nice, you know? Just for a moment it was nice.”

“Okay, and then?”

“I might have run out.”

He tried not to, he really did, but James just started laughing. What a Sirius thing to do, run right out of the room after kissing someone. He didn’t need to ask how he felt about Remus, he could already tell from that one sentence. Sirius really likes him.

“Don’t laugh.”

“You ran out of the room?” he asked, still laughing.

“Yes, and we haven’t spoken since.”

In the corner of his mind James remembered what happened at the bar, and who exactly had walked out of the bathroom. It hadn’t been Remus, he would have noticed. But…

“Oh my God, did you sleep with someone just because they looked like Moony?” James asked way too loudly. He was having far too much fun with this, but it was only fair.

Sirius’ silence told James everything he needed to know, and he properly collapsed into giggles that time until Sirius was laughing right along with him.

“It’s pathetic.”

“You could have just slept with Moony.”

“He isn’t speaking to me.”

James raised an eyebrow. “Well, you don’t really have to do much talking if you know what I-”

“Not now Prongs.”

James smiled. “Just talk to him. It’s Moony.”

He shook his head. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because I can’t act like I regret it, James.”

Oh. 

He was (pardon the pun) serious. He felt real things for Remus, and nevermind the fact that he had failed to mention it to James, he could complain about that later. 

“Do you want me to talk to him?” James offered. 

“No, really. He can’t know that I told you.”

“Okay.”

“Is it that obvious?”

“Which part?”

“Any of it. All of it.”

“It’s obvious you guys aren’t talking. It was less obvious that you are obsessed with him until you pointed it out.”

“I’m not obsessed.”

“You are. It’s cute.”

“I hate this.”

“Sirius, have you thought that maybe he feels the same?”

It wasn’t a completely off base idea. Remus always blushed a bit more whenever Sirius was acting all flirty, and he never seemed to mind whenever Sirius was occupying his space like he did when other people were. 

The more he thought about it, the more it all made sense. 

“I can’t think like that.”

“But-”

“I can’t get my hopes up.”

“It’s Remus.”

“Yeah, that’s my point.”

James could only hope that Sirius would actually take his advice and simply talk to Remus. Now the two of them were going to be just awkward around each other, which wasn’t going to translate well on stage, and their show was the next day.

He did not have very high expectations.

***

“Fucking ridiculous, kidnapping me and then kicking me out of the room,” Regulus mumbled, sliding off the bed. He only half remembered to slip on a pair of shoes and take the notebook with him. James seemed to be nosy, and he did not need him going through it. “I’m going to stab the both of you in your sleep,” he threatened before letting the door shut behind him.

Ever since his earlier conversation with Marlene, Regulus couldn’t stop thinking about it. He used to love music of all kinds, making it or listening to it. His favorite class had been music theory too, he was obsessed with learning how it worked, the way certain cadences sounded pleasing and others made you want to go deaf. Which chord progressions worked best and which were most common, all of it really.

He couldn’t play any instruments, not with his left arm completely unusable. Well, he could probably play some very beginner piano, but that would be more frustrating than anything else. He could sort of just envision how things would sound in his head, and he had been using an app on his phone to check and see if it sounded good, but that was what he had been doing.

He was writing music.

Not lyrics. He couldn’t come up with a decent line if he tried, he wasn’t sure if he was poetic enough to put raw emotion into words. No, that was more Sirius’ thing.

He went down to the lobby, which was empty at this time of night. He had spent a little bit of time with Barty and Evan in their hotel room, but he was not interested in a repeat of the night before, so he called it a night much earlier than they did.

He was sure that if he went down the hall to see them then they would still be awake and partying, but he kind of liked the idea of being alone in such a big space. It was quiet in a way he had yet to experience in Miami, and there was still the faint sound of people outside.

The notebook was actually a random notepad that he had found in the drawer of the nightstand and a pen he had taken from the front desk, but he was calling it his now.

The more time he spent with the music, the more he regretted not helping Marlene. He didn’t feel bad about it, at the time he really had no interest in staying any longer than necessary and he wasn’t going to pretend he did. But now, well he had nothing else to do. He didn’t want to get a regular job. He had needed the creative expression ballet brought him, even if it was incredibly strict. That wasn’t an option though, and music was a good fallback plan.

He didn’t know what Marlene was looking for exactly. Maybe she already had an idea of what she wanted, or maybe the song was just a rough idea in her head, but he wanted to help. It would just be a couple more days on the tour, which wasn’t a big deal at all in the long run. It did mean more time on the bus, which sounded like an absolute nightmare if he was honest.

The doors to the lobby opened and a tall man who was probably in his mid-thirties walked in, looking like he was slightly lost. His hair was bright red and his eyes were bright blue, all of it looked just a little bit too fake. He noticed Regulus after a moment and came to sit down next to him. Regulus wanted him to leave, especially after he had tried to start a conversation, introducing himself with a name that he didn’t bother listening to. Regulus didn’t respond once, didn’t do anything except for mindlessly scroll through his phone and hope that the man took the hint.

He didn’t seem to, and instead placed a hand on Regulus’ thigh, squeezing it tightly.

That was when Regulus was done. It had only been about seven minutes, but he didn’t care at this point. He stood straight up, hating anyone touching him especially without asking and especially if it was a stranger.

The man tried to grab for Regulus’ hand, and instinctively he slapped him across the face, his hand stinging the moment he pulled it away. The man’s head turned to the side, and Regulus managed to get a glimpse of how red his face was before he was getting away as quickly as he could.

He had dealt with his fair share of creepy people, and he was used to them thinking they could just use him for sexual favors. He hated it, that side of ballet where you had to sleep your way up to the top. Because of his name, he had never really had to, but he knew plenty of ballet dancers who were only there because they gave a good blowjob to the right man.

As soon as the elevator doors closed behind him he just collapsed onto the ground, huddling himself into a small ball like he did when he was a kid and just taking a moment for himself, rocking back and forth. He knew better than to respond like this in public, he had gotten good at acting like he was perfectly fine.

Deep breath in.

Hold. 

1,2,3,4,5,6,7

Release

1,2,3,4,5

Repeat

Repeat

The elevator dinged much sooner than he had wanted it too, but he still stood up straight and tall, doing the breathing exercises he had been practicing since he was sixteen and Sirius had moved out. He used to get really bad panic attacks that only Sirius could really help him through. He had learned how to manage them on his own by now, for the most part.

The longer he was out of his comfort zone, the worse it got.

He ran into James in the hallway, who tried to apologize for having him kicked out of the room but promising it was important.

“Yeah, whatever,” he said, not really listening and just trying to walk past him.

“Are you okay?” James asked, his voice sounding just so sincere that it almost made Regulus tear up. He had better hold of his emotions than that though, and he knew that James was only asking out of some obligation.

“Yes.”

James frowned. “Reg, you’re shaking,” he said, reaching out and causing Regulus to move back so quickly that he almost fell over. He didn’t know what to be more angry about, the nickname or yet another touch that he didn’t want. “Oh, I’m sorry,” he said, dropping his hand.

Regulus shook his head, trying to get his hands to stay still. “Just… just don’t touch me. Okay?”

He nodded immediately. “Okay, yes. I’m sorry.”

“And don’t call me Reg.”

He nodded again. “Got it.”

Regulus focused on the ground for a moment, focusing on the patterned carpet and trying to control his breathing. He was fine, everything was fine.

He needed air.

“Are you just going to stand there?” Regulus asked once he had a better control of everything. 

“Are you?”

He needed air.

He didn’t want to go downstairs.

“Want to go swimming?” he asked. It was the first excuse he came up with to get James to go with him, which was embarrassing if he was honest.

James broke into a smile. “What?”

“Swimming.”

“You can’t swim,” James pointed out.

He shrugged. “I can put my feet in the water.”

Silently, he was begging. Please, please don’t make me go alone.

“Did something happen?” James asked.

Regulus shook his head, trying to stop himself from exploding in the middle of the hallway. “No, forget about it.”

If he was lucky, the man would be gone. If he wasn’t lucky, then he would just deal with it from there. Trying to get James to go with him had been a stupid idea. He was an adult, he didn’t need a bodyguard or the presence of another human being.

“I want to come,” James said, sounding so sure of himself.

“Do what you like,” Regulus said, already walking back towards the elevator. He thought better of it though, the idea of riding in the elevator sounding atrocious, and instead going towards the stairwell. They were on the sixth floor, so it was a lot of stairs, but he really didn’t want to spend more time in the tiny, metal box.

Secretly, he was pleased that James followed him, and that he didn’t mention anything about how they were taking the stairs this time.

The man was no longer in the lobby, not from the quick glance that Regulus did before pushing the door open as roughly as he could.

Miami was sticky and hot, but fresh air was fresh air.

“You stopped,” James said when he almost walked right past where Regulus had stopped. He forgot he lured him out with promises of swimming, something that he had no intention of actually doing.

“I did.”

Regulus kept taking deep breaths, focusing on the night sky and counting the constellations he could see. It was something he did as a kid, just look out his window and count. Within months he was very familiar with the night sky and could name almost every star and constellation.

James took out a cigarette, put it between his lips, and then seemed to think better of it, putting it back into the pack. He kept shuffling from foot to foot, waiting to see what Regulus was going to do. He wanted to tell him he could just leave, but he couldn’t. He would never admit it, but being around James was helping him calm down more than he expected it would.

It was easy for him to understand why Sirius had been so obsessed with James. He was the walking embodiment of all things good in the world, the opposite of everything they had grown up with. Being close to the sun was addicting after spending so much time being cold.

Regulus mustered up every little bit of courage he had. “Ready?” he asked.

James’ eyes lit up, Regulus hates him. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m ready.”

The beach was emptier than it was in the middle of the day, although there were a handful of people still on the sand. Mostly couples or groups of friends who were drunk.

Regulus couldn’t actually swim, he couldn’t get the cast wet, but he slipped his shoes off in the same spot James did, close to the shore, and slowly walked deeper, letting the cold water lap over his feet until they were fully submerged.

The water was freezing, and he was not getting used to it as quickly as he thought he would.

James was shivering, but he shot Regulus a wide smile, like he was enjoying the feeling. Regulus thought James might be a bit psychotic for it.

“Lovely, isn’t it?” James asked, taking a deeper step so that the water was halfway to his knees.

The things he does to make James Potter happy. Ridiculous, really and truly. He could have been warm, standing in front of the hotel and enjoying the gentle breeze and the fresh air. But no, he had to step into the ocean in the middle of the night.

“Lovely?” Regulus asked, taking the smallest step in with him, the water going just past his ankles.

“Yeah, it’s lovely,” James said with a big release of breath. Officially, James was insane. There was no way anybody could enjoy this. Maybe the water had been warmer earlier in the day, when the sun had been out, but now it was miserable. “Don’t you think?”

He shook his head. “You’re mental.”

James held his hand out, an offering. “It’s warmer here,” he said. Regulus was sure he was lying, there was no possible way the water got any warmer the deeper in you went.

Regulus stared at the hand for a moment, but James was patient, and he didn’t lower it in all the time it took for Regulus to take it.

James’ hand was warm. It was warm. And it was rough and calloused from playing the guitar, and the feeling of it against Regulus’ own smooth hands was something that Regulus would be thinking about for years to come. The contrast, the juxtaposition, opposite.

Rough and smooth. Cold and warm. Steady and unstable.

Warm, warm, warm.

It warmed his entire body, even as he let James lightly pull him deeper into the water, soaking through both of their sweatpants. He wasn’t paying attention to that.

Regulus was the one who dropped his hand in the end, slightly overwhelmed at how soft of a touch it had been. It was different from the man from earlier. That touch had been aggressive, it was full of just taking and taking. That man had wanted to take.

James wanted to give.

Regulus wanted to let him.

“See? Warmer, right?”

Regulus’ throat felt dry, but he managed a small smile, not sure why he cared so much about pleasing James but deciding not to think about it too deeply.

“A bit.”