discoveries
James POV:
Guess who sent a certain letter. I did it. After much thought, no I still do not know why I was so nervous about it, I sent it out. Now all I have to do is sit and wait for him to read it and respond. I hope to Merlin and anyone else out there that he says yes. I don't think I could stomach if he said-
"Prongs? You listening or are you just dramatically muttering about something or other?" As much as I love Padfoot, he needs to let me have my own thinking time at some point or I am going to lose my entire mind.
"Yeah, sorry Padfoot, I'm listening; I just have a lot on my mind."
"Thinking about stuff??? That's new."
"Thanks Remus but I do think about stuff. I do it all the time as a matter of fact, and just then I was thinking about-" And before I could continue talking, Peter interrupted me.
"About your massive crush on Padfoot's little brother?" Pardon, my what? I don't like Regulus because I am not gay, I am as straight as they come.... aren't I? I mean it would explain why I couldn't send the letter earlier... No that is crazy talk, I am 100% straight. So, I don't need to think about it. I don't need to think about him either. So, I will now fully be ignoring his beautiful curly hair, his eyes that feel as if they can pierce you if you aren't careful, the way his body looks like I could easily push him around in the bedroom and he'd let it happen, the way he has no interest in my existence, and most of all, I will be avoiding his soft and plump lips that act as an invitation to just shove him against a wall and start kissing him.
"JAMES." The sound of Sirius yelling me interrupted my train of thought.
"Listen, Sirius, I don't know why Peter would say that. I swear I do not have a crush on your little brother. And I'm sorry if you're mad at me_" Once again I was interrupted. This time by Remus, shocker.
"James, nobody is mad. Peter was kidding. He said that because he found the letter, the one you're sending to Regulus, open on your desk, so when he saw it said 'Regulus Black' at the top, he read it. We all actually think it's very kind that you would offer that to Regulus. I mean, you have only spoken to him a few times because Sirius wanted to see him, and he always asked you to tag along. So let me repeat, Nobody, especially not Sirius, is mad at you. We aren't mad at all, James. All we have agreed on while you were.... zoning out again, was to not makes jokes like that anymore because it clearly affected you negatively." Why are all my friends so great? What did I do that scored me this wonderful group of people.
"I love you guys; more than life itself." I know it's not creative, but that was all I could think of that wasn't 'I love you guys because of how cool and understanding you are but here's the thing, I am actually in love with Regulus. Crazy how that one turns out, am I right?' And needless to say, I was not about to admit that to anyone, but especially not Padfoot.
"Nerd."
"Wow Pete. I cannot believe that's how you would respond to me pouring my heart out for you guys,"
"Massive sap." I no longer feel bad about my massive crush on his brother. Wow. I still can't believe that's just going to be a thing I think now. Not say, though. Never say. Nobody can know. Even though most of Hogwarts is mostly positive when it comes to queer folks (they didn't used to be but after Marlene and Dorcas came out, soon to be followed by Mary and Lily coming out, and the whole Regulus situation most everyone is cool with it) it still cannot be found out. Because then everyone would know, and I don't think Padfoot, or Regulus, would be too thrilled with that.
"Literally no."
"Boo you guys, I cannot believe you."
"Don't believe us all you want. Anyway, what we were talking about originally was we are going to pull a prank and we wanted to know if you wanted to tag along."
"No, I think I'm just going to hang back this time. Have fun though." Maybe it was weird that I wasn't going but I didn't care, I had some thinking to do.
"Ok... see you soon Prongs." I just smiled and waved at Sirius in response.
The second I heard the door shut I jumped right into my brain to get a conclusion about a certain beautiful black-haired boy...
Ok so what I know for sure is I think he has beautiful curly hair, he has eyes feel dangerous but in a hot way, he has a body that makes him look like I could take complete charge in a certain bedroom activity and he wouldn't stop me, he has no interest in my existence, and he has those soft and plump lips that just drive me up the wall and make me picture what they would look like around my dick. I don't feel bad saying it, they're just observations after all. Totally just observations. Nothing more, nothing less.
......
Okay maybe I had a crush on Regulus Black, and maybe he was Sirius' younger brother.
And just maybe I want to hear him screaming my name. And I need him to want that, too. Because I think I'm going to lose my whole mind if I don't get that man in my bed at some point in my life. And maybe that was weird, but I do not care.
And at least I'm not lying to myself. I didn't lie to myself when I found I was in love with Lily, so why would I start doing that now? If I'm anything I'm consistent. And some people think I'm lying when I say that but I'm not, I mean, would a non-consistent person ask out the same person for years in hopes that she says yes? No, no they would not. I still feel bad about that though. Sorry Lils.
Stop. I cannot think like this. I'm just helping him, and maybe I can get myself in him... NO. NO. NO. Padfoot would kill me if I ever shagged his little brother, even if I REALLY want to. And my friendship with Padfoot is more important than that compelling little star. Isn't it? Merlin, I don't bloody know. I think it is, but I've always been such a heavy romantic... I need help. But I can't get it because I know if I tell someone it will get out so soon and I don't need people in my business like that. Also, I want to tell certain people myself. Like my parents, my friends, Padfoot will be told separately, Minnie, and maybe Regulus. Who knows...
I'm exhausted. I need a nap. And maybe a distraction.
And I can definitely not see Regulus. The moment I see him I just know I'm not going to be able to control myself. Our eyes are going to meet and the next thing you know I'm dragging us into a hallway closet to have a shag.
Fuck. I need to go deal with something.