Starman
Regulus just wanted to go to sleep. To go to sleep and pretend that tomorrow was just a regular day. That it wouldn’t decide his future for him. He had been trying to sleep for two hours at that point.
“Reggie.” A hand was suddenly shaking his arm, pulling him out of his mind. “Oi, Reg I know you’re not asleep.”
Regulus grabbed the pillow next to him and pressed it into his face, rolling over.
“I’m trying to be,” he said, voice muffled by the silky fabric.
Sirius grabbed the pillow and threw it across the room, before sitting at the edge of his bed.
“Are you excited about tomorrow,” he asked grinning.
Regulus suppressed the glare working it’s way to his face.
“Sure,” he responded dryly.
“Oh, c’mon, don’t be like that Reggie.” With that, his older brother shoved him over, clamoring under the sheets until he was laying next to him. Regulus took the opportunity to set free the glare, but it wasn’t authentic. He’d desperately missed this.
“Think about it Reg, you finally get to leave this place.” Sirius turned on his side so they were nose to nose. “Everything, every god awful memory left behind.” A cautious smile creeped into Regulus’s expression.
“I don’t know. It’s all a bit intimidating, Can.”
When Regulus was five and his brother six, Sirius decided he needed a nickname. It’s not fair, everyone else has one but how would you even shorten Sirius without it sounding stupid? he’d complained. Reg wholeheartedly agreed, so one night he took one of his father’s astronomy books and combed through it until he found it. Sirius! I got it, I know what your nickname should be. Sirius, the star, he’d read, was part of a constellation: Canis Major. The whole name was far too long, so Regulus shortened it to ‘Can.’ Sirius obviously complained about the fact that it was already an object, but the name stuck and there was no going back.
Sirius crinkled his nose.
“Ugh, I beg, please don’t call me that at school. I’ve been trying to escape it since you first made it up.”
As much as Regulus understood (the boy really had been trying to escape it for years), it was going to be weird calling him Sirius at school. Unfamiliar, like they were strangers. A piece of them hidden from Sirius’s precious friends. He felt nauseous.
“Reg,” Sirius snapped his fingers in the other boy’s face, “Earth to Reg.”
Regulus blinked. “Sorry, zoned out. Still a bit tired from you very rudely waking me up in the middle of the night.”
Sirius tried to hide his grin by rolling his eyes.
“Anyway, like I was saying: don’t be nervous Reggie. It’s going to be awesome. I can see if you can bunk with us if you want. There’s definitely room for another bed and if not we can always just use an enlargement charm to fit it. I’m not sure about the rules for year-mixing, but we’ll convince McGonagall, after all, we are Blacks.”
Another wave of nausea rolled over the eleven-year-old boy. How did he not understand?
“Sirius…” His voice was so small it was almost a whisper. “You do know… that I’m not going to be in Gryffindor, right?”
Sirius’s face fell. He was disappointed, Regulus could tell that much. He really was going to be all alone at Hogwarts.
“What are you talking about?” Sirius laughed. He actually laughed.
Now it was anger that took the reins on Regulus’s emotions.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It’s just… Reggie, don’t take this the wrong way, but nothing about you really screams Slytherin. Other than maybe Hufflepuff, I would be shocked if you weren’t in Gryffindor.” Regulus could feel his cheeks heat violently.
“Hufflepuff, really?” he said, summoning his coldest voice.
Pathetic. Weak. Disgusting. Those were how Hufflepuffs were described in the Black household.
“I don’t mean it as an insult, really,” Sirius backtracked, likely remembering the same words he was. “I just meant you’re loyal and patient. That’s how I see you. Not evil and creepy and whatever the other Slytherin traits are.”
“That’s our family, you’re talking about,” he glared.
Sirius remained expressionless as he stoically replied, “I know.”
“Sirius, that’s me you’re talking about too.”
Now the older boy sat up, looking down at his younger brother exasperatedly. “Please just listen to me, that isn’t you Reg, not at all. You’re nothing like them, you’re fragile and caring and sensitive. You were afraid of ghouls not so long ago for god’s sake!” No. He. Didn’t.
Regulus sat up too. A challenge. Fury bubbled in his stomach, creeping up his throat.
“You sound eerily like Walburga for someone who so clearly thinks he’s better than the rest of the family. What’s next, do you want to start cutting into the backs of my legs? Huh, Sirius? Is that what you want? Don’t worry, I won’t cry, I’ve had more than enough practice in the last year to stop myself.”
Hit ‘em where it hurts.
The color drained from Sirius’s face.
“Reggie, I–”
“No,” Regulus cut him off, closing his eyes. “I don’t care what you have to say and I definitely don’t want your useless pity. Just leave, Sirius. That won’t be too hard, considering you’ve done it before.”
He could feel each word cutting into Sirius like a dagger.
“You have to understand I–” Sirius sounded desperate, panicked.
“No. Leave. Get out.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered as he climbed out of Regulus’s bed. “I’m sorry she did that and I’m sorry I wasn’t there to stop it.”
Why, oh why, did Sirius have to go and say that? Why did he have to remind him that he wasn’t some easy-to-hate monster?
Regulus turned away, feeling tears aching to spill out. The thrill of fighting had dissipated, leaving him raw and broken and filled with regret.
“You shielded me for ten years, that’s got to be worth something.” He meant it. As angry as Regulus was for Sirius leaving him behind, not bothering to write even once, he was such a good big brother before he left, always making sure he took the brunt of Walburga’s cruelty. That was of course, before he met his new friends. Before he replaced Regulus.
“Yeah,” was all Sirius mustered, also sounding on the brink of tears. “Goodnight Reg.”
With that, he left, shutting the door behind him and Regulus was plunged once again into the darkness and solemn loneliness he couldn’t seem to escape. He took the pillow that Sirius had thrown and curled up, hugging it to his chest tightly, soaking it with his own ever-expanding sadness.
How did they fall so far apart?
When did they get so broken?
Regulus stayed there, sobbing, until, by some miracle, he fell asleep.
He dreamt he was drowning.