As a child Lily had always looked up to her older sister…
Whether is be how she dressed, or how she acted Lily wanted to do it as well.
Unfortunately as time passed and letters were sent her sister grew into a person Lily couldn’t bring herself to admire.
__
“Lils, come here!” Her sister called out as she motioned for Lily to move closer.
Following her sisters instructions she bent down to the ground beside her. Petunia was looking at a group of flowers; they had long petals that draped near the ends, which glistened with white, a strong contrast to the colour that burst from the middle. “What are they ‘Nia?”
“They’re you.” Petunia said lightly as she nudged Lily, letting out a soft laugh at the five year olds confused face.
“Don’t be silly, those are flowers. Not people.”
Plucking one of them out of the bed she handed it to her. “These are Lily’s.”
The younger held the flower and took in its beauty. “They’re so pretty.”
“Just like you” Petunia complimented.
Lily grinned up at her sister, a small blush coming across her face. “Stop it ‘Nia.”
“How can I?” The other asked rhetorically. “Everyone must know that I have the most beautiful sister in the world.”
Petunia chuckled as Lily’s blush grew and she hid her face underneath her fiery red hair; a strong contrast to the brown of her sisters. In reality they didn’t look much a like besides their eyes, Lily took after their mother and Petunia took after their father. “If these are also called Lily, then are they named after me?”
“No silly,” The older teased. “You’re named after them.”
“Why?”
She shrugged. “Mum and dad probably just liked the meaning behind them.”
Lily’s face brightened. “There’s a meaning?”
“Yes of course,” Petunia returned the brightness. “They represent purity and innocence.”
“Wow…” Lily stared down at the flower with a look of amazement, then looked back up to Petunia with the same look in her eyes. “Does that mean you’re also a flower?”
Smiling down at her she nodded her head. “Mhm.”
“What do you mean then?”
The air stiffened slightly and the corners of Petunia’s mouth dropped. “Oh, um… It doesn’t matter.”
“No tell me!” Lily persisted, oblivious to her older sisters discomfort.
“No it’s really not that special-“
“Please Petunia!” Lily begged. “I really want to know!”
She sighed as she gave into her request. “It means…” Petunia began to pick at her nails a bit, the shame of the meaning overcoming her. “They mean jealousy.”
Lily hesitated for a moment a look of guilt washing over her. “Oh…”
Slight anger came over the older’s face. “Yeah.”
“Don’t worry ‘Nia.” She comforted. “I don’t think you could ever be jealous.”
Petunia gave a tight smile. “Thank you.”
__
Unfortunately Petunia wasn’t ever able to overcome the meaning of her name.
The jealousy grew and grew until neither of them were able to handle it anymore and the strain ruined their relationship. In a perfect world Lily wishes she could have reminded Petunia of what her name can also mean.
Love.
Hope.
Calmness.
In that world she liked to think that her sister would have embodied those attributes rather than the jealousy and resentment. Lily liked to think that Petunia would have put family above material, realised that blood ran thicker than gold. Unfortunately that didn’t happen, and their relationship slowly grew apart through the years; no matter how hard Lily tried to salvage it. Despite the tension that grew between them they still managed to hold on to some of the care and love that had been there when they were younger; but when Lily was ten it all stopped
When she got her Hogwarts letter they were all confused, but after a few minutes of reading over and beginning to understand her parents became ecstatic. All three of them cheered together because it was amazing news, she was a witch and if that wasn't every child's dream she didn’t know what was. Of course instantly she wanted to celebrate with her older sister, the person she admired more than anyone, adored more than anyone, loved more than anyone.
Except the excitement didn’t reach Petunia.
When Lily had turned away from her parents there was a cold and indifferent look on her sisters face. None of the lingering love had stayed, it was all gone and the first thing she said to Lily was that she was disgusted. Told her that it was a curse rather than a blessing and that she should be ashamed for having it.
Disappointment hurt from many people, but to hear it from your sibling? Lily argues that it must be the worst feeling in the world.
Even as she grew to understand that Petunia wasn't a good person, and perhaps never had been in the first place; Lily found it hard to let go of the person she knew. Her big sister who had taught her the meaning of their names, the big sister who held her hand crossing the river. The big sister who always comforted her as she cried and the big sister who would ward off bullies if they dared to step within a foot of Lily.
She was mourning a person who wasn't dead, she would cry over a person who wasn't dead and she would argue with a person she thought she would never argue with. Insults were traded often and Lily found herself wondering if Petunia regretted the words that were said. If she thought that there was no coming back so she just kept moving. If that was true then Lily would tell her that an apology would make it all better, or even just a hug would allow it to all be forgotten.
Overtime Lily grew to hate her status as a witch, she hated the world that she had been forced to join and even hated the world she had been taken from. Not only could she no longer fit in with the muggle world, but the Wizarding world also hated her and it wasn't fair.
Lily never asked to have magical blood but she also never asked for muggle blood.
At the end of the day she hadn’t even asked to be born, so why was she punished so cruelly for it?
The world was unfair and the world didn’t care for her age, her gender, her backstory, her life. All the world cared for was if she would be able to provide for it, if she would be an asset or if she would drag it down. Whether you deem it as fortunate or unfortunate the world decided that Lily had a purpose, and that Lily would help it grow. In that realisation the world made her have to give up everything. All of her friends, some of her family, the things she had spent the first ten years of her life learning; and all of her friends.
All of her friends except Severus Snape.
The friendship had begun when they were both eight, although the twenty-one day age gap was held over her head religiously by Severus. Always claiming that in that short period of time he had discovered some type of wisdom she had not.
They had been best friends, and unlike her other friends she decided to tell him why they could not continue the relationship. Lily had explained to him all that had happened, starting from the card and ending in the future and how her life would plan out from now. What she had expected was for him to pull a disgusted face just like Petunia had and to call her a vermin, a mistake. Much to her ten year old brains surprise, the older boy had smiled widely and admitted that he too possessed the ability to use magic.
Severus told her about how one of his parents was a muggle and the other wasn’t, and that it meant he was a ‘Half-blood’. He went on to explain the hierarchy between each of the magic wielders. Purebloods being at the top and Muggleborns being on the bottom, Lily being at the bottom. The information had caused her to become slightly weary towards entering the world, but in fear of upsetting the other she kept her mouth shut.
Looking back on their time together Lily now realises that it wasn't healthy, and much too alike to her relationship with Petunia. One built on memories of the happy moments that allowed the overflowing bad moments to be ignored. If she were to go back Lily likes to think that she would’ve turned Severus down that day on the hill, but realistically she knows that it wouldn’t happen like that.
At some point in third year, when she was becoming more aware of the toxicity; Lily decided to write down all of the terrible things he had done to her. The fear that she would forget them all too prominent. Sometimes she would read that list, over and over again; wondering if they had actually ever happened. Wondering if Severus had ever truly been that bad; the idea that someone who was supposedly in love with Lily could treat her like that was incomprehensible.
Often Lily thinks of that first train journey to Hogwarts, she thinks of the now unrecognisably timid Sirius Black. She thinks of the boy with scars who obviously relied on sarcasm a little too much. She thinks about the chubby boy who spoke without thinking; and she thinks of James Potter who had confidence Lily would only be able to dream of.
At first she was a little taken aback by it, he spoke in a rude manner but it quickly became obvious to her that he genuinely didn’t mean it. Another thing that became quickly obvious was his crush, a crush that inevitably caused her friendship with Severus to end. Another thing she still can’t quite tell if it is fortunate or unfortunate.
Even as an eleven year old she would be told often by girls that she was lucky that the James Potter was so deeply infatuated with her. That she was lucky to be friends with them, although at the time she would have considered herself to be only Peter and Remus’ friend. Despite what everyone else thought, Lily didn’t enjoy the constant confessions. She didn’t enjoy the classroom interruptions, the meal time interruptions, the life interruptions. It caused her to snap often, saying things that would cause her to get on her knees and beg for forgiveness from James now. Really they were things that the other needed to hear, and in a way she doesn't actually regret them because he had deeply invaded her private life.
As years went by she had been lucky to witness the layer that hid beneath his persona, because despite her unwillingness they grew to know each other. It was hard to evade him as their friendship groups clashed and eventually she gave up on giving him an indifferent shoulder. In many ways James helped her to learn that people are never truly the person they display, and more often that not, they’re complete opposites. Now Lily knows that James is at the furthest possible point from egotistical, and he is without a doubt one of the nicest people she’s ever met.
When sixth year began things were different, no longer was he chasing Lily around with red roses and a banner professing his love. James was starting to treat her like a human rather than a prize to get at the end of the race. She found herself even becoming fond of his company, fond of the time they spent together and what she felt she could call a friendship. Which is why it hurt so much when he once again confessed to her.
What hurt more was having to watch Regulus Black leave The Great Hall.
They didn’t spend time together often, and that only ever showed itself in studying. However their friendship was one that they could pick-up, even after months spent apart. Lily feels that she can say that she knows him, really knows him. Time could be spent listing off al of the things that she knows about him; all of the things they know about each other. The most important piece of information that Lily knows however. Was that Regulus Black loved James Potter.
He’d never told her, but he hadn’t needed too. It was the quick glances during meal time, the way his face would brighten slightly when walking past James in the hallway. It was the way that, even despite his insulting, Regulus could talk about him for hours; more often than not his love was actually hidden in those insults. Making fun of things that you’d only be able to if you had known James for a while, or had been watching him for a while.
When she turned him down for the final time, Lily felt dehumanised. She was once again reminded of her place in the world, reminded of the privileges she would never receive. It brought her back to first year, back when she was trying to navigate through a new world; a world Lily’s not sure she’ll ever belong in.
In the first month of first year she struggled to make friends outside of Severus and Remus, as she was regarded as bossy and controlling by most of her peers. It caused her to with draw slightly, start to act more like the other girls, because she didn’t have the confidence to stand for himself anymore. Then Lily met Marlene McKinnon.
At first she had actually found her rather annoying, much too loud, much too alike to James and Sirius. However quickly Marlene became a prominent figure in her life; without even noticing, it went from small nods of heads in the corridors, to five hour conversations as they sat cross-legged on one another’s beds.
To her Marlene was one of the coolest people ever, she was someone Lily would never fail to admire. The other girl quickly became her beacon of confidence, whenever she was with her Lily would feel like she was on top of the world. After some time it became apparent that she felt like that even without Marlene around. Something that Lily would always be grateful to her for, especially because it eventually gave her the ability to leave Severus behind.
It also gave her the ability to talk to the pretty girl with beautiful curly hair, and golden skin with honey eyes to match it. The pretty girl who had the most gorgeous lips and a voice that spilled from them with the same amount of beauty. It gave her the ability to talk to Mary MacDonald.
Mary was quiet but loud when you got to know her, she was sweet and kind; but she would never stray away from scolding you if you were in the wrong. Mary loved all kinds of music genres, and could never really stick to one. Although she always wished she could be a die hard pop-rock fan like Sirius and Marlene. Mary loved her little brother and would do anything for him, Mary wanted to have one child but strictly adoption because ‘Those children deserve just as much as the rest of us’. Mary cried when others cried, and she got angry on others behalf's as well. Mary loved a little too much but that was why Lily loved her.
Which is also why they kissed last night.
________________________________
Mary instantly groaned as she opened her eyes, the bright light from the sun directly shining into them with no shame. Quickly, she hid her head into the pillow, although that did next to nothing in resisting her blossoming headache and the pain in her stomach. It felt like someone had forced her to eat thousands of pounds worth of food, but at the same time it felt like she hadn’t eaten in years. Mary decided to give facing the world another try as she uncovered her face once more, the light was still blinding; but a lot more tolerable than it had been.
Once her sight returned she realised that all she was wearing was her underwear, which in it of itself is not something you want to wake up to after being drunk. Except Mary doubted she’d slept with anyone, and that was confirmed when she saw that Marlene was passed out at the end of her bed. There was drool coming out of the girls mouth and her hair was bright pink, rather than the usual blonde.
Then she noticed the lack of Lily, which was odd. Usually after a party Marlene, Mary and her would wake up in the same bed; all three of them could be quite clingy when drunk. Except she was no where in sight, and it left Mary with an odd feeling in her gut; like she had forgotten a vital part of the evening.
Which she had.
She had kissed Lily.
Lily had kissed her?
They had kissed each other?
This was bad, this was really bad. Lily’s lack of presence made it obvious to Mary that she didn’t enjoy the kiss, Lily’s lack of presence made it obvious that she did not like her back.
She had gone so long without making her crush known, done so much to keep it a secret; but of course the minute she gets high it all goes to shit. Why hadn’t Sirius stopped her? Why hadn’t someone done something to stop this from happening? Everyone had seen it happen, well not everyone but they kissed in a room full of people, there was no way not one person saw. Which meant that people knew she liked girls, people knew she liked Lily. Mary had just outed herself, and in turn just outed Lily? Or not, because Lily obviously didn’t like girls, and even if she did she definitely didn’t like Mary.
Practically tumbling out of the bed; she grabbed the nearest possible t-shirt and shorts, because she really needed to talk to Sirius. Despite all of the noise she was making, Marlene didn’t even stir in her sleep; just continued to drool all over Mary’s covers, something she was definitely going to make her clean up.
The pace of her breaths began to speed up as her mind began to wonder, she had just lost one of her best friends; or was at least close to it. All because she wasn't able to handle her liquor, internally she found herself blaming Sirius for even getting to drinks, found herself blaming the boy who gave her the blunt. Evan though she knew well enough that it wasn't their fault at all.
Lily wouldn’t like her, something Mary had accepted a long time ago was that she was destined to watch Lily live a love filled life while she watched form the sidelines. Watching as Lily would find someone she deserved, someone who wouldn’t make her feel disgusted; because Mary definitely did. Everything was going so, so, wrong; and there was nothing she could do to make it better.
When she finally made it outside of Sirius’ dorm she burst in, usually this would have been fine; she’s done it since second year. Except one thing was very different about this time, because Regulus Black was sleeping right beside James Potter… shirtless, maybe even naked; both with hickeys lining their necks. Quickly the conversation from the night before flooded back into her head as she remembered his drunken confession.
“Who are you staring at?”
“…James.”
Last time Mary checked he had a fiancé, or almost fiancé, or whatever Purebloods do. Actually scrap that, last time Mary checked he hated James, refused to even look at him. Except here he was, James’ arms wrapped around him as they lay there, tangled in each others limbs; Regulus’ head hidden into the others chest.
Even in the darkly lit room, Mary could tell that they looked very in love and that made her very jealous. Before that jealousy could venture through her thoughts a voice stopped it. “Mary?” Sirius’ voice broke through, it was groggy with sleep and when she looked over to it she saw him sat up on his elbow; Remus’ arm wrapped loosely around his waist. “What are you doing here?”
Sparing one last glance over to the, apparent couple, Mary turned back to him. “I have a problem.”
He raised an eyebrow at her. “So you decided to break in to our dorm? Couldn’t it have waited?”
“A big problem.” She hoped that her wide eyes emphasised the urgency behind the situation.
Thankfully it did; Mary watched as confusion and concern painted themselves on to Sirius’ expression as he began to detangle himself from the duvet and Remus. “Alright, just give me a second.” He grabbed a jumper off of the floor and threw it over his body as he followed Mary out of the room; she didn’t miss the dirty look he gave to James and his little brother. “So what’s up?”
Mary began to pick at the cuticles of her nails as they started walking down the stairs. “Let’s just uh… let’s just wait until we’re in the common room, you’re going to… yeah you’re going to want to sit down for this.”
Sirius gave her a weird look. “Okay…? I’m just going to assume that you’re pregnant.” He joked but then his head shot around to her. “You’re not pregnant are you?”
“What?” She exclaimed. “No, no, no definitely not.”
“If you say so…” They rounded the corner of the stairs and entered the common room; as they made their way over to the sofas Mary looked up to the clock. It was nine in the morning, which was stupidly early for a Sunday, especially after the party they had last night. That only made her feel more anxious, it was obvious that Lily was avoiding her then. Sirius fell back on to the sofa and stared up at her impatiently. “Go on then, why did you wake me up at… nine? Merlins sake Mary.”
“Sorry, sorry.” She said as she sat down on to sofa beside him. “It’s just… you’re the only one I can talk to.”
The concern over took the confusion on Sirius’ face. “Come on stop being cryptic, what happened?”
Mary sighed. “Well last night… I was, well…drunk, high. Drunk and high. So I wasn't thinking clearly, you know?”
“You were high?”
“Yeah… actually it’s pretty funny, I shared a blunt with you brother-“
“What!”
“Then we were talking and shit, while watching James and Lily dance.” Mary was honestly still really confused on that whole situation. “Anyways and then Lily came beside me, and then James and your brother left…”
“Mary no…”
She ignored him. “And then we were alone, well not alone but like there was no one sitting near us and I was drunk and high, as I’ve stated.”
“Please tell me you did not-“
“I kissed her.”
He stared at her with an astonished expression that had slowly been forming on his face. “I thought you were going to tell me you shagged!”
“What no!” Mary slapped his shoulder. “Oh my god no!”
Sirius put his hands up in defence. “Hey, don’t blame me.” Mary watched as the confusion returned once he said that. “Wait… I don’t understand, why is this a bad thing?”
“Why is this a bad thing?” She copied with an exasperated tone. “This is the worst thing that could have possibly happened! I kissed her!”
“Yes I know! I haven’t gone deaf.” He told her. “You like her, so you kissed her, and she kissed you back which means that she likes you.”
Mary shook her head. “No, no very wrong. I kissed her, but I have no idea if she liked it.”
“You’re probably just overthinking it, you have no evidence that she-“
“Me and Marlene were the only ones in the dorm this morning.” She interrupted with a straight face and Sirius’ mouth made an ‘O’ shape as he mouthed the word.
He winced slightly. “Are you sure?”
“Positive?”
Her face took an annoyed expression. “Yes I’m positive Sirus, she wasn't in her bed.”
“Maybe she’s hiding in the wardrobe.” He suggested.
“Be fucking serious Sirius.” Mary said without thinking and quickly back-tracked. “Don’t, you, dare.”
“I wasn't going too!” He defended himself but the smirk was ever present on his face, before he went back to the more important topic. “Look, you kissed eachother-“
“I kissed her-“
“So it's obvious that she feels something back.” He continued talking, decidedly ignoring Mary’s statement. “Who’s to say she’s not hidden somewhere worrying about if you wanted to do it?”
Okay, that was a really good point; but also a really bad one, she just couldn’t figure out how it was bad yet. “That’s stupid.”
“No it’s not, and you know it.” Sirius called her out. “How about, you go on with your day and wait for her to come back.” Mary opened her mouth to object but he stopped her. “When she does, you talk to her about it. Worst case scenario she tells you that she doesn’t feel the same, so what? Lily has been rejecting James for years and they’re still best buddies.”
“She hated him up until fourth year.” Mary deadpanned.
Sirius rolled his eyes. “You get my point. Lils isn’t the type of person to end a friendship over a crush; and even at that I don’t think its unrequited. Genuinely Mary, I think she does like you back.”
Mary shook her head and crossed her arms as she sat back on the sofa. “That’s impossible, Lily’s too good for me anyways.”
“You don’t get to decide that, Lily is allowed to feel love to whoever she wants.” Sirius said, his voice taking on a rare lightness.
She felt her face soften. “Yeah I guess your right…”
The smirk from earlier returned. “I know I am.”
“Piss off.”
________________
Remus let out a sigh as he walked through the corridors looking for Lily, but even after the length of time that had passed he couldn’t find her. To say that he had exhausted all of his ideas would be an understatement. Everywhere Lily usually went when she was upset had been completely deserted, well one of them had been occupied by a third year couple. The question of why was also lingering in his mind, and he desperately wanted it to be answered; Sirius hadn’t been very detailed in his explanation.
“Hey Moony,” Sirius said as he walked in to the room again, a slight stress to the spot between his eyebrows. “Can you do me a favour?”
Remus propped himself up on to his elbow as he ran his hand through his hair. “Depends what it is.”
“I need you to go find Lily.” He told him as he sat down on to the bottom of the bed.
“Is she okay?”
Sirius shrugged in a defeated manner. “I don’t know, that’s why I need you to go… Mary and her got in to a… fight. She’s completely convinced herself that Lily hates her and that she made her feel uncomfortable.”
“Shit,” Remus replied, feeling a slight concern overcome him. “Yeah of course, I’ll go now.”
So now, thirty minutes later, he found that the slight concern had now morphed in to a monster of worry. If Lily wasn't in any of the usual spots, spots that Remus was aware that only he knew of; then it meant she did not want to be found. Unfortunately for her, Lily had a lot of people who cared about her, and Remus would be quick to admit that he was one of them.
Even though he thought it was unlikely she would be there, he decided to go check The Green House. Stepping out of the outdoor hallway he walked through the snow that was starting to melt, now taking a more grey and brown tone rather than the white it had been a couple of days ago.
As he opened the door quiet sobs instantly entered his ears, it was obvious to him that the person creating them was trying to keep their crying concealed. An action Remus had become all too familiar with since he was six. The soft cries were coming out in a hiccuped manner and he realised that what he was listening to was the end breath. More importantly however, he realised the the crying was coming from Lily. “Lils?” He called out and the noise ceased, silence filled The Green House, so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. “Where are you?”
Silence stayed for ten or so seconds before her voice interrupted it. “Go away.” Rather than sounding firm, as he’s sure she meant to, Lily sounded absolutely broken. Despite his awkward approach to affection and touch it surprisingly made him want to hug her, made him want to wrap his arms around her body and tell her that everything was going to be okay.
“I just want to talk.” He assured as he walked around the table centred in the middle of the room.
A small sniffing sound was made before Lily spoke again. “I don’t want to talk.”
Remus rounded the table and was able to deduce that she wasn't in that room, so he went in to the one that was directly connected to it by a door frame empty of its door. As he walked into it and turned his head to the right he was confronted with the sight of her, she was looking up at him with red eyes and a red nose to match. Tears were still pooling in Lily’s eyes and her lips were pursed slightly as if she was about to break down again any minute. She had pulled her legs up to her chest, and it looked as if her head had been placed on them before. “Can we sit together then?” He asked and all that he got in response was a shrug of her shoulders as she placed her head on to the tops of her knees.
He found a seat on the spot beside her and mirrored her position, giving the softest smile he could. “Did you have fun last night?” Sometimes people needed a distraction rather than a therapist and Remus was happy enough to do that.
Lily shook her head, the tears welled up even more and he found himself regretting the question; Berating himself internally, of course she didn’t have a good time last night. “Are you excited to go back to school tomorrow?”
Another shake of her head had Lily looking away from Remus and to the wall a few metres in front of them. He felt his eyebrows furrow, usually she was the kind of person to enjoy the routine of school, someone who missed it when it left. “What did you do over-“
“I kissed Mary.”
“Oh…”
Then within a manner of seconds the pool had finally over flowed, Lily was crying again. Instantly Remus uncurled himself and brought an arm around her, pulling the shorter closer to him. “Hey,” He whispered softly. “Hey, you’re okay… it’s okay.”
“It’s not!” Lily exclaimed through her tears, her voice coming out more choked. “She’s going to hate me forever.” The second sentence was spoken a lot more quietly and Remus just wanted to make her feel better as soon as possible; wanted to take all of the hurt away with a flick of his wand.
“Mary MacDonald hating you is as impossible as Sirius not being dramatic.” He joked and she let out a wet laugh that developed into soft sobs once more. Lily didn’t cry often, she got sad yes, but never cried. It was unnerving, scary even. “Why are you so upset? There’s not doubt in my mind that Mary would like you back.” Remus was met with silence, but he knew that he was right. “Did she kiss you back?”
He felt Lily nod stiffly against him before mumbling a reply. “Yeah.”
Remus laughed lightly. “So she’s not going to hate you forever Lils… I’m sure that means she’ll actually love you forever.”
Despite the positivity Remus was sure that he had found Lily let out another choked sob, the grip her hand had found on his shirt tightening. “I can’t-“ She cut herself off, not with her crying however; she just ended the sentence there.
“You can’t what?” He pushed slightly, not wanting her to seem too pressured but he also wanted to find out why she was so upset.
Lily let out a shaky breath. “I can’t… be gay.” She admitted quietly, pulling away from Remus; despite he lack of anonymity he couldn’t suppress the pitying expression that came across his face.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m a Mudblood Remus.” Before he could interrupt she spoke again. “As well as that I’m a woman, I already struggle to live as it is; can you imagine how hard it would be then?” His mouth found itself opening and closing as he tried to think of a response but none came to mind. “The only way I would be able to find some sense of security would be if I were to marry a Pureblood; like James.”
Remus sighed and he looked in to her eyes, however she averted the contact. “But you don’t love him… do you?”
Lily clicked her tongue. “If he asked me again I think I would say yes.” She admitted and despite her not seeing Remus’ eyes he could see the dishonesty hidden in her green.
“But do you love him?”
She swallowed thickly. “I care more to be loved.”
“You are,” Remus told her. “And I don’t mean just friendship wise; I mean that Mary loves you.”
“But-“
He interjected before another word of doubt could cross her words. “No, she does Lily. She kissed you and you need to realise that your feelings are reciprocated.” Remus could understand her feelings, could understand the weariness behind the idea of being in a same sex relationship. Especially considering all of the privileges Lily had lost just by being born. “You can’t stop being gay Lils, and you can’t just ignore it. You can either live happily with Mary or you can live unhappily with someone you don’t even love.” She sat there looking at him with wide eyes. “You said you wanted to be loved; well there’s someone who is freaking out at Gryffindor Tower because the idea that she had even made you uncomfortable pained her.”
“I can’t-“
“You can,” He insisted and brought his hands to her shoulders. “You can.”
________________________________
Mary paced her bedroom as she waited for Lily to come back, it was now twelve and she couldn’t justify the absence anymore. There was no way she wasn't being avoided, it just wouldn’t make sense.
As a child she had struggled with rejection and confrontation a lot, any time she’d be denied something she would burst into tears. Not because Mary was spoilt, or because she felt like she deserved everything; usually it wasn't even about the object in question. Most of the time it was because rejection to her correlated with hatred, if someone rejected her she would see that as annoyance. Even if Mary was reassured that someone wasn’t mad, her brain would twist the story; tell her that the other person had been lying.
As she grew that fear of rejection slowly built in to confrontation, and it grew a lot. Often Mary wouldn’t have long friendships because she would fear a fight that would inevitably come, and when it did she would close off. Isolate herself and refuse to listen to reason, even if the other would be actively trying to resolve the issue. She’s never resented any of her past friends leaving, Mary understands that it’s hard sometimes, hard to deal with that kind of issue.
This fear is also why she was so miserable during her relationship with Sirius. The constant fighting left her always feeling anxious, always scared of what would happen next. They were each others worst nightmares, Sirius constantly felt like he was hated, and would struggle terribly if a fight with another went unresolved. Mary would turn tail and run at the first sight of conflict.
Lily was often there with her during these times, there to rub her back and whisper soft reassurances as Mary cried; but somehow never allowing herself to perceive Sirius as awful. That was what was so great about her, Lily was never one to look at one side of the story and leave it at that, no Lily would always be open to the second or even third side of it.
She was kind.
She was empathetic.
She was understanding.
She was the most beautiful person Mary had ever had the privilege of knowing.
She was the only person Mary had never fought with, and now they had.
As the thoughts swarm through her mind, she brought her attention to the fact that it was difficult to breathe. Mary brought her attention to the quickened breaths, the long ending with short beginnings, the hoarseness towards the end of it. She brought her attention to the dampness around her eyes and the way her hands couldn’t seem to stop moving. Flying around the place as if they stayed in one spot for too long they would fall off.
Mary closed her mouth at an attempt to stop the hyperventilating but all that ended up happening was her lips pursing and sobs tearing through the defence.
She had quickly found herself regretting being alone, for saying that she didn’t have a problem with Marlene going to see Dorcas. For telling Sirius that he had helped a lot and that she was feeling a lot better. For always running away, for never talking to her friends after a fight.
For kissing Lily.
As her name entered Mary’s mind she found her sobs growing louder and less controlled, not that they had been in the first place. Through the thick noise she hadn’t heard the thin sound of Lily entering the room. “Mary?” The voice seemed like it was at the other side of the ocean yet like it was being screamed in to her ear at the same time. “Hey… what’s wrong?”
Mary turned around and looked at her with wide eyes as her hands found a still position in her hair rather than the unstoppable movement from moments before. “I’m sorry Lily, I didn’t mean to do it! I was drunk and- and- and-“ Her breaths were cutting her off and before she could even think about stopping it, another wave of tears had overcame her features.
Lily quickly came closer, her face laced with worry all over and for some reason that made Mary cry even harder. “Just breathe…” She soothed. “It’s okay, it’s okay, just breathe.”
“No I- I-“ Mary felt like she was a kid all over again, crying because she had been told no. “And you- I- Didn’t-“ The next sob had her crouching down to the ground and hiding her face into her knees. Much to her surprise, there was an instant presence by her side as Lily crouched down beside her.
“Oh Mary…” She breathed out. “What have you gotten yourself into?”
Hard cries were all that she got in response and then Mary felt hands move onto her face as they began to push it upwards; forcing her to look at Lily in the eyes. The hands cupped each of her cheeks and Lily was incredibly close, then she pushed their foreheads together, as her thumbs began to caress Mary’s skin. Slowly Lily brought the bottom halves of their faces closer as their lips connected in a soft, short and sweet kiss; despite the saltiness from Mary’s tears.
When they parted it wasn't very far, and one of the hands remained on her cheek as the other pushed a bit of hair behind Mary’s head. “You like me back?” She asked quietly, mainly because of disbelief, also because the sight of Lily this close had caused her to loose her breath for a moment.
The other tipped her head forward slightly as she let out a light laugh. “Yes Mary… I like you back.”