Blame
When you are part of the most noble and ancient house of Black, you do not developed healthy coping mechanisms. You develop unhealthy toxic habits, and you don’t even realize it’s bad until you’re already addicted to it.
It didn’t surprise Regulus one bit when the urges came back, and he embarrassingly told his friends about. He stared at the floor as he admitted to hit extreme lost of appetite and the heavy urge to take something sharp to his skin.
Barty and Evan really helped. They cleared the dorm of any sharp things, and they would take portions of their meals to help Regulus snack alone. They were extremely helpful.
That didn’t mean Regulus didn’t relapse. He did, a few times actually. They never yelled or got upset with him. Regulus could tell it upset them, but they were gentle with their words. Regulus was so thankful for them.
Regulus had sobbed so loudly and harshly one night that Evan and Barty ended up waking up, and they came over to sit next to him. It was the guilt and pressure that got to him. He thought about how if he was straight Remus wouldn’t have left. He thoughts about how the only constant about people leaving is him, and occasionally it’s because he made the stupid decision to make a move on them. Really, Regulus could only blame himself.
That night Barty and Evan held him as he cried with his hands clasped in a way that felt unnatural. He was knelt on the floor beside his bed, and he cried to the ceiling as if it would do anything at all. He didn’t believe in a higher power, but if someone could fucking help him now would be a great time. Barty had ran his hands through his hair, and Evan was hugging Regulus tight. Regulus noticed how they both had tear tracks on their face when Regulus finally stopped praying. He didn’t say anything about it, but he didn’t fight them when they all squished together in Regulus’ bed. He knew he was hurting Barty and Evan. How he was falling apart, he knew it brought everyone down with him. It was as if he was drowning, and he couldn’t help but drag everyone else down with him to just try to get his head above the water.
Late one night, three or so months after Remus stopped showing up, Regulus was surprised to find Remus sitting at their normal spot. Barty and Evan instantly tensed next to him. They had begun going to the library with Regulus since they knew how much it now hurt to be alone. They hated reading, so it meant a lot to Regulus.
Regulus put his hands out as they both went to step towards Remus. He said nothing, but he sat a few seats away from Remus. He didn’t want Remus to think they would be perfectly fine after three month of absolutely nothing and sending Lily after him.
An hour passed, and when Remus got up to leave, he dropped a note by Regulus. Regulus waited a few moments before picking it up. He read it silently.
‘Regulus, I’m so incredibly sorry about what has happened, and I’m even more sorry about the timing in which this had happened. I just wanted to let you know, it was in no way your fault. You’re brother has done something almost unforgivable, and I pushed everyone away. I have missed you so much, but I understand that I’ve hurt you deeply. If you’ll let me, I will explain everything tonight in the DADA classroom. Barty and Evan are welcome; I wouldn’t try telling you to come alone. I understand that you wouldn’t. Sincerely, Remus Lupin.’
Regulus silently handed the note to Barty and Evan, and he sat without moving as they read it. His mind was racing. Sirius had done something horrible to Remus. Remus pushed everyone away. Remus was sorry?
Regulus had practically begged Barty and Evan to let him go to DADA classroom. He threatened to go without them then they finally agreed. They arrived a little past ten, and they took seats in the corner. Barty and Evan loudly laughed and picked on the different artifacts around the room.
Remus ended up walking in ten minutes after Regulus and his friends. He kept his head down, and he sat a good distance away from them. It was silent for a few minutes before Remus finally spoke up.
“I’m a werewolf if you didn’t already know.” Regulus had; he had figured it out a few weeks into their friendship. Barty and Evan didn’t know though. “I wanted to give you a complete explanation. No shitty excuses or hidden details. The full moon was two days after the Gryffindor party. The day after the party Sirius found out that I had, uhm, hooked up with someone. He still doesn’t know who it was, but he got unreasonably upset about it. He ended up all over one of the Gryffindor girls the day of the moon, and we didn’t think he would show up- for the moon. My friends make sure I’m okay before and after the moon.” Regulus could tell he was lying, but Regulus didn’t say anything. He understood why. This wasn’t his secret to share. Regulus wasn’t upset about the small lie. “Apparently, he was on his way, but he ended up bumping into Severus. He was already in a bad mood, and Sirius doesn’t have the best decision making when upset.”
“Never has,” Regulus quietly interjected. Barty and Evan both chuckled.
“He ended up telling Snape how to find me. I- uh- I almost, killed him, that night. James figured out what was happening, and he ended up saving Severus’ life. After that, I kind of pushed everyone away. I felt disgusted with myself and with Sirius. I was so upset, and I was pissed. I’m sorry, Regulus. Truly, I am incredibly sorry. I know I’ve hurt you so much, but I need you to know what happened. I need you to understand it wasn’t because of you. I’m not avoiding you. I was isolating myself from everyone.” Regulus stayed silent. He could hear Evan and Barty mumbling to each other. He didn’t try to listen to what they said. He wanted to make the decision he thought was right by himself.
“We‘ll see. I believe you. I just don’t know if I can trust you. I know you didn’t really chose to leave or whatever, but still.” Regulus mumbled. He stared at the wall behind Remus. He couldn’t look at Remus. Regulus felt his hands shake.
“I understand. I really do. Take as much time as you need. I’ll try my best to start coming to the library everyday in case you want to talk or anything,” Remus whispered. He looked away. Regulus looked back, and he studied Remus’s movements. He noticed the jerkiness of his movements. He noticed Remus’s eyes were jumping everywhere. He noticed the unsteadiness as Remus got up. Regulus didn’t think about his next decision. Without hesitation Regulus got up, and he walked over to Remus. He didn’t realize what he was doing until he was face to face with Remus. Regulus can’t hear Barty and Evan talking anymore. They’re focused on him.
“Oh, uhm- sorry, you just looked unsteady. I wanted to help,” Regulus mumbled. He quickly stepped away from Remus. Remus didn’t say anything before quickly slipping out of the room. Regulus instantly relaxed. He turned, tears already gathering in his eyes. Barty and Evan were next to him in seconds. Regulus hugged them tightly, and he whispered that he missed Remus. He admitted he would still trust Remus with his life.
A few days later, Regulus had one of the house elves get him some wine. Regulus had drank almost half the bottle as he read on his bed. Barty and Evan were probably locking each other in janitor closets, or locking themselves in the closets. Regulus wasn’t sure. All he knew was they weren’t with him. He normally wouldn’t be one to drink, but Remus coming back has rocked him mind a few dozen times. It’s all that he’s been able to think about.
Regulus knew he was drunk now. He knew he probably shouldn’t leave the dorm, but he wanted another book. Regulus was drunk enough that he didn’t remember that Remus would be in the library. He was somehow surprised to find Remus in his old seat. Regulus reflexively sat next to him. Remus instantly looked up, and his eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Oh, you’re here already?” Remus whispered.
Regulus didn’t know why, but he didn’t really want Remus to know he was drunk. He made sure to put on his best “sober voice”. “Yeah, I was wanting to get another book, and I remembered you’d be here.” Remus gave him a big smile. Regulus watched as Remus quietly rattled on about his book. He knew Remus was trying not to be overbearing, but he could tell Remus was happy he was there. Apparently he can still read people while drunk.
Regulus as it turns out does not have very good impulse control while drunk. “Would you kiss me again?” Regulus whispered. Remus stuttered before whipped his head to Regulus.
“What?” Remus asked. Regulus was eternally sort of freaking out, but he tried not to let it show. He had to continue his thought now.
“Would you do it again?” Regulus watched Remus go through all the understanding and thought process before he whispered out his answer.
“Maybe.” Regulus mind flickered back to James, and the panic of that. It flickered back to the panic when he kissed Remus then the night after the party. He briefly thought about praying after Remus left.
“Kiss me,” Regulus whispered. He had a brief moment after he spoke where he thought that he was doing something stupid, but he quickly dispelled the thought. This won’t effect anything.
Remus had kind of just looked at Regulus for a few seconds before he nodded slightly. He lead Regulus into a corner of the library. Regulus mine was incredibly slow. He didn’t understand what was happening. He body began responding without consulting him first. Suddenly, they’re pressed up against each other, and they’re both breathing heavily. Regulus thought it through for two seconds, longer than he’s been thinking things through then he slipped his hand into Remus’ waistband. Remus’ didn’t show much of a reaction. He seemed to have gotten distracted.
Regulus jumped when Remus’ hand was on his forehead. “Regulus, you feel really hot,” Remus said. He gently tugged Regulus’ hand out of his pants. Regulus blinked at Remus. “You’re eyes- are you fucking drunk?” Remus asked with wide eyes. Remus was suddenly multiple feet away from him, and Regulus was lost. He tried to figure out what happened. He felt Remus tugging him through the library. He could feel Remus shaking. He tried speaking up multiple times just for Remus to interrupt him. Regulus noticed Remus looking at something, but he put it away before Regulus could figure out what it was. Soon enough Regulus noticed Evan and Barty’s laughter ringing out in the hallway. Regulus suddenly stopped. Remus almost tugged him over. “No, no, no, not them,” Regulus states. His voice did slur slightly.
“Regulus, you’re drunk,” Remus stated like it made everything make sense.
“You weren’t suppose to notice,” Regulus mumbled. He saw Barty and Evan’s eyes flicker to them. He watched as they ran over.
“What is it?” Evan barked out. Barty snatched Regulus’s wrist out of Remus’s hold.
“Why’s he with you?” Barty snapped. Remus held his hands up.
“He’s drunk,” Remus stated simply. Regulus stared toward the ground. He knew they were doing to be disappointed. “He um- We almost hooked up,” Remus muttered. His eyes locked on the wall beside them. Regulus could tell Barty tensed beside him.
“So, you almost took advantage of him? Is that what this is? Did you feel guilty? Huh?” Regulus’ face flushed. Barty’s words made it seem like Regulus was wasted. He’s not wasted.
“Remus didn’t know. I tried acting sober. I wasn’t thinking,” Regulus whispered. He looked toward Remus. He noticed Remus was still shaking and he was now staring at the ground. He quickly looked at Barty, who looked about ready to say something else. “Stop. We’re leaving now.” Regulus’s voice was sharp. Barty instantly looked away from Remus. “Come on, Barty.”
“You can’t yell at him when I was the one not thinking, and I was the one who started it. I was the one who hid the fact I was drunk. You know for a fact that I can do that. You’ve seen me do that, a lot! He didn’t know! It’s not his fault,” Regulus yelled when they reached the dorm. He begrudgingly drank the water that he was being given. “I had told him to kiss me, and things went a little farther than that. It would’ve been fine if he just didn’t notice I was drunk.” Regulus’ head snapped up when Evan slapped his wrist.
“No, it would not have been okay. You are fucking drunk Regulus. You cannot make reasonable decisions when you’re drunk. Thank god, he realized. If he hadn’t, you would’ve had an even worse day tomorrow then you already will.” Regulus stared up at Evan. He’s chest constricted. They were scared. His friends were scared for him. He scared them. “Jesus, Regulus.” Tears gathered in his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” Regulus’s voice cracked. He rubbed his eyes. Evan and Barty quickly hugged him. Regulus hugged them back very tightly, but his mind fell back to the fact Remus was shaking. “Remus is blaming himself now. I scared him too. Barty, he was shaking,” Regulus whispered. He cried a little as his friends held him. He needed to apologize.
Regulus did in fact apologize. The next day he sat with Remus. He apologized for his recklessness, and he said that he didn’t blame Remus. He noticed the way Remus wouldn’t meet his eyes. Regulus sat next to him until Remus finally got up and left. Regulus continued sitting there until the library closed.
He made his way to the astronomy tower. He just wanted to stayed away from his dormitory. Evan and Barty would ask questions, and Regulus hadn’t fixed his mistake yet. He felt even worse now.
Regulus was surprised to find someone already up there, James Potter. He seemed like he didn’t notice Regulus had walked in. Regulus couldn’t help but stare because the moonlight on James’s skin looked beautiful. He roughly shook his head, trying to clear those thoughts. Fuck.