A doubt equivalent to a million
-I wish I had you here-Ingrid just needs to vent, maybe get an outside perspective and that can give her best friend.
Ingrid covers her face with both arms while on the other side, Frido watches her with an arched eyebrow and waiting for her to continue.
-I know. And I guess you’re like this because of the Spanish girl, huh?
-Her name is Maria.
-I know that too ¿what happened now?
-She rejected me again, Frido, and it was so humiliating! Although now I don’t feel anger or shame… I just… I don’t even know.
Frido frowns at his friend’s obvious frustration.
-I’m sorry, Ingrid, will you tell me?
-We kissed-the Ingridś face turns red in an instant and Frido notices it-and that kiss, I can’t even explain to you what that kiss was like! I… it felt so good, I wanted to kiss Maria so much and she’s so good at it. And we just let ourselves go until she pulled away and told me she couldn’t do it.
-Well, did he say why?
-No.
-And when was this?
-A couple of days ago.
Frido can’t contain her grimace of disgust knowing that the two of them avoid each other and act like children.
She doesn’t know Mapi at all but she assumes that the woman must have her reasons for being like that, but Ingrid doesn’t insist.
And Ingrid doesn’t even realice what she feels, blind to everything, believing it to be pure lust. But Frido knows her all too well.
-You can practice your apologies, you know. Make the first move.
-Why should I do it?
-Think about what happened, if there was anything that could have offended Maria or not, either in the kiss or before. Talk to her. Think about whether you want her friendship or something more, and ask her. There may be something there and you could throw everything to hell because of… heat.
-It’s not what you think, okay? I like her a lot and I appreciate her, but it’s not about… love.
The forbidden word comes out strangled and more serious than it intends.
-Well, if you say so…
Frido doesn’t sound convinced, but Ingrid is, or almost. They continue talking for a long time and yet she feels that everything is still very tangled.
♣♣♣♣♣♣♣
Mapi acts the same way Ingrid did weeks ago. She hides, she runs away, she ignores Ingrid as much as she can. They both do it.
It’s not the most mature behaviour, but it’s all she can offer herself as the chaos of feelings inside her begins to sort themselves out. They don’t magically disappear, but at least they slowly get organized.
Ingrid attracts her. She likes Ingrid. She chose to spend her blessed time with her because it made her feel good and comfortable. She is half-way much in love with Ingrid. And the feelings escalate dangerously to something much deeper that she doesn’t dare try to decipher. Not yet. Only by putting some order.
Now, that’s one side of the scale. On the other side is what Ingrid wanted from her and that she didn’t hesitate to look for in another woman when she didn’t get it when they kissed in the greenhouse. Jill made it very clear to her and even though it makes her stomach turn a little, she accepts it. They are together. She had already imagined it since that meeting at the fair and when she passed by Melhus and saw them hugging each other in the street.
Only then Ingrid came, stirred her ideas and caused a little chaos after those hot kisses.
So, at that moment, Mapi evades the Norwegian.
But as soon as the nonsense passes, she will be friendly again. No matter what she feels, it is no longer relevant.
She likes Gudrun and her husband and doesn’t want to lose that, just as she doesn’t want to lose the relationship she slowly built with Ingrid. She can’t call it friendship, but it’s something like that, or maybe they are friends, and that’s how it will stay.
She loved her chosen solitude until a few months ago, and now, she can’t imagine not interacting with any of the Engen or Oscar and Frida. It’s not that she wants to be surrounded by people again, that’s a bit extreme, but they all help her even if they don’t realice it and she simply doesn’t want to lose them.
-Mom can’t go and Dad has to accompany her to the clinic, but could we tell mormor Gudrun and morfar Ørjan ¿and tante Ingrid? – Frida chatters excitedly while Mapi ties her shoelaces and the Spanish woman nods gutturally at each word.
Mapi loves how the little girl comes out of her shell when she gets excited about something and how she doesn’t hesitate to talk about it over and over again.
-We’ll tell whoever you want.
-Coach, and after the walk can we have a big cup of chocolate and tell stories?
-Sure you do-Mapi stands up and ruffles the hair affectionately watching the rest of the kids play with the ball even though practice is already over and they are waiting to be picked up.
And there is Ingrid, silently leaning against the entrance door. Mapi is swallowing very quickly.
-But you don’t have to make the chocolate. I’ll make it at home and bring it in a big thermos for everyone- Frida thinks-Mom says you’re very good but we shouldn’t take advantage of that.
-Don’t worry, it’s not like that.
Mapi snorts in amusement and doesn’t look in the direction of the black-haired girl she’s been seeing all week but with whom she’s barely interacted. And Ingrid didn’t show any signs of wanting to either. They avoided each other.
-Maria.
Mapi raises the eyebrows in greeting and puts her hands in her pocket.
-What were you planning?
-A walk through the woods like we used to do in the summer when Coach Maria was training us. But it will be much longer.
-That sounds great-Ingrid smiles slightly-I bet you’ll get tired and we’ll have to carry you.
-No, tante Ingrid, we are not little children anymore.
-Mmm, we’ll see-Ingrid holds her close to her side while she signals to Oscar, and turns to Mapi again-is everything organized, then.
-To a large extent-Mapi doesn’t change her tense posture-we accept more volunteers, if you’re interested.
-Yes, tante Ingrid, you must come-Frida knows that she gets everything from the black-haired when she looks at her with bright and hopeful eyes.
-I’ll see what I can do-is all the response Ingrid offers before leaving a loud kiss on Oscar’s cheek and turning around with both children hugging her, chatting non-stop.
Now it turns out that they are cold towards each other and it is horrible.
♣♣♣♣♣♣♣
It turns out that Mapi was spending a lot of time at Karl and Ada’s house. Unusually long but very pleasant time. And she continued to offer to spend time with the children, take them out to activities and entertain them now that the woman was in a critical and decisive stage of treatment but very well.
Curiously, she never met Ingrid the times she visited the couple’s house. As if something made them miss each other, or as if Ingrid was too busy. With her new girlfriend. Probably.
Ughh.
-You are so kind, we don’t know…
-Don’t thank me, really-Mapi’s cheeks colored.
-If both of them give you too much work, don’t hesitate to let us know, okay?
-Okay.
Karl says goodbye and Frida and Oscar are already petting the kittens and taking off their coats, ready for the exciting adventure of spending a few hours with her.
Finally, no one else would accompany them on the walk, the hot chocolate and the stories.
The fact that Ingrid didn’t go doesn’t make her feel disappointed. Or maybe just a little.
Mapi climbs the few steps and claps her hands, catching the excitement of the two little ones.
But then, a few minutes later, there’s the familiar red car that hasn’t parked in the driveway for a while. Ingrid comes out very quickly and apologetically.
-I thought I’d have to catch up with you in the middle of the forest-she looks agitated and laughs with her characteristic sweet and striking laugh. It’s almost like before the two of you fucked things up stupidly.
-Just in time-Mapi answers dryly.
The children are delighted to have her and do not hesitate to jump around her and let her know it.
-Mom accompanied Ada and I wanted to… come-Ingrid clarifies and approaches slowly- I hope you don’t mind.
-You know you don’t.
Mapi quickly turns towards the house with the excuse of putting on a light sweatshirt and Ingrid follows her, handing her a thermos of tea.
-Maybe you already made your own, but I thought you might like this one. It’s a mint and chocolate variety that I found in a store in Oslo and I thought… -Ingrid just extends it to Mapi and turns to Frida and Oscar.
Mapi looks at the thermos in her hand and then at the brunette, and furrows her eyebrows, unable to understand anything. Ingrid seems to move cautiously around her, almost afraid of doing or saying something wrong, and analyzing it carefully, it has been that way since… well, since the kiss a few weeks ago, but why? If obviously it didn’t affect her and she moved on right away.
They begin the walk and Mapi wants to show them the path she usually takes with a few forks that have beautiful views from a considerable height.
The reddish colors of the forest mixed with green and yellow flood the senses and the crunch of some dry leaves under her feet relaxes Mapi to the point of forgetting almost everything else that weighs her down.
-Oh, you’re already tired-she can’t help but joke after noticing Ingrid panting on a steep slope.
-Do you do this regularly? Because I go running and go to the gym a few days a week, and this is already killing me.
-Well, you look very fit, but appearances can be deceiving-Mapi laughs and feels that this came out more playfully than intended.
-Is that what your tattoo is about? -Ingrid looks at her curiously, letting the children go ahead.
Mapi takes a few seconds to answer and discuss how much honesty to share.
-Generally, how you never really know a person. You can spend a little or a lot of time with someone, think you know the basics and then, well…
Mapi leaves her sentence unfinished and shakes her head. That’s enough. And she continues walking, leaving the brunette behind.
Ingrid continues to look at her without hiding her interest. Ingrid found out things. Or rather, she saw things online because she had some free time and a lot of bad thoughts about the whole thing with Mapi, and the rejection.
And the Internet is there, within reach, and she had been avoiding it for a long time, thinking that it would violate Mapi’s privacy, aspects of her life before Norway that she guards so jealously. But finally she couldn’t help but dig a little to try to understand why the Spanish woman was behaving so badly. One moment she seemed serious and the next she was joking and flirting; one moment he was devouring her with that exquisite mouth and then she just pushed her aside without a single explanation, with a deep and sharp silence that lasted for days. And it didn’t seem like it was going to change anytime soon.
And what she saw on the Internet, what she read, was not much, although there was a lot of everything. About the injuries and there was also allusion to an aspect of her personal life that influenced all of the above. There was a photo of Mapi and a woman, the only one she found on the entire Internet, and she was mentioned as her girlfriend. And then… news about a tragic event.
Ingrid couldn’t continue reading and the desire to do so and get all her doubts out was too strong, but it was best for Mapi to tell it if she wanted to. Most likely not. Mapi has dropped bits of herself and her life during her football career, but they are small bits that avoid revealing too much.
Mapi and that woman. It’s not that I didn’t think he’d never had a girlfriend or anything like that, but it was all so strange without specifying how. And now what she said about appearances being deceiving. So… personal.
Well, now Ingrid doesn’t know where they stand. Neither of them talks to the other, but maybe she can take the first step and get rid of what’s weighing her down.
Mapi presses her chest, what she feels for Mapi, which Mapi gives no indication of reciprocating.
-This tea is really good-Mapi tastes it and gives it the thumbs up.
They are sitting against some leafy trees and the children are drinking chocolate and stepping on dry leaves creating a pleasant crunching sound.
-You have to trust my judgment more-responds Ingrid.
-I don’t trust anyone who loves coffee.
-Oh, the same old argument, María.
-What can I say? -Mapi shrugs and half smiles- How is Ada? How are you all dealing with all this?
-With confidence and faith-Ingrid’s eyes shine as she looks at the little ones, oblivious to everything, enjoying something as simple as a warm drink in the middle of the forest on any given afternoon-she will soon be cured, we all remain firm in that.
Mapi wishes she could reach out and offer a hand on her shoulder or arm, a gentle squeeze. She can’t after everything that happened and what Jill said. She’d hate to make Ingrid uncomfortable.
-I know your brother Anders will be visiting.
-So you know.
-I went to your sister’s house for cakes a few days ago and Gudrun mentioned it.
-Oh, so in addition to stealing my parents, my nephew and my niece, you now have my sister in your swoon as well- Ingrid crosses her arms and adopts a mock-frown- I’m sure you’ll charm Anders too. You’ll have the entire Engen family under your spell.
-The whole family? -Mapi can’t help but ask, even if it comes off as a gentle flirtation.
-Yes, to everyone.
Ingrid licks her lips and looks with unusual concentration at the thermos she holds in her hands. It’s time to say something, anything, and although she has had enough time to think about it, all the words she rehearsed for days remain in the far corner of her mind, forgotten.
-We haven’t seen each other much lately.
-Well… we kept ourselves busy, huh? -Mapi plays with a branch and even has a shy expression.
-I guess. The work is very demanding.
What stupid and dull words. Almost said to fill the silence. There is so much tension floating around
-When are we going camping again? -an excited Oscar wants to know, but interrupts them at just the right moment.
-That won’t be possible until the summer, darling-says Ingrid.
-Why not? We have tents and we already know how to make campfires and roast marshmallows.
-Because-Mapi stands up and pinches the tip of the boy’s nose affectionately-the cold days are coming, and camping by the river would make you shiver and not be able to sleep.
-That’s what the bonfire is for-Frida intervenes.
Ingrid and Mapi laugh at the very convincing gestures of both children.
-Your parents are the ones who decide, okay?
The two of them snort in discontent and step on more leaves to show their anger.
Ingrid smiles and winks at Mapi.
-Well, I have some tickets to see Haaland, but maybe no kids around here want them.
Oscar smiles, showing that his anger is behind him, Mapi laughs and the whole moment of discontent is forgotten.
They continue on their way and the children are already somewhat exhausted but Mapi wants them to wait a few minutes until the sun begins to set because it is a spectacle that she wants them to share and which she always attends alone.
And when the sun’s rays filter through the tops of the pines, ash tres and birches and the golden and red colours become more intense, Ingrid, Oscar and Frida hold their breath and then exhale slowly. All three at the same time.
Mapi stays a little further back and takes out her phone to capture the moment. They are happy and they make her happy.
And Ingrid turns around with that dazzling smile.
Mapi doesn’t even breathe at the sight. It’s like chasing butterflies in a meadow. You can try a thousand times and it still turns out to be impossible. That’s how she feels about Ingrid.
-Can I have all the photos later?
-Eh… I only took one of you- he lies.
What if Ingrid’s photo is going to remain hidden in her gallery? No one has to know.
They turn around and slowly walk down until they reach the cabin and collapse as if they had been walking all day instead of just a few hours.
-Coach Maria, would you come to the meeting between Norway and Germany? We can get a ticket- Oscar’s eyes light up and he turns to Ingrid-can we, tante Ingrid?
-Sure-says Ingrid without flinching-are you coming, María
-Well, if I don’t bother you?
-No, never, coach-Frida hugs her and they smile at each other- it will be great if you go with us.
-It’s a whole weekend of pure football-Ingrid clarifies, not wanting to miss Mapi’s reaction- both the Norwegian men’s and women’s teams are playing.
-Oh.
-Yes, Norway and Spain. We’ll see Caro and Aitana! And Alexia! -Frida sings, still standing over Mapi, overflowing with happiness.
-Well, I already said that-Mapi answers without much conviction-so we will be there.
Ingrid looks at them and wishes she could extend the moment a little longer, but they have to leave and leave Mapi alone, even if there is so much to talk about and apparently so little desire to do so.
-Thank you for this. For today and for everything, always.
-It’s a pleasure, it’s not… I’m not obliged to do it or anything like that, so you don’t need to thank me.
-I know and that’s why I thank you-Ingrid shakes her head-you always do so much for our family and you dare to think that we don’t adore you?
Mapi holds her breath and nods, blushing.
Ingrid takes a few steps back and decides at that precise moment that the tension that has been imposed on the previously fluid relationship must go away.
Both of them have to talk. They will do so when the children are not present, although it is precisely because of their presence that they speak to each other to some extent.
Ingrid is coming back. Tomorrow.
Ingrid returns. Ingrid got angry with Mapi after the kiss, her anger went away like two minutes later even without understanding the Spanish girl’s position and she began to miss their usual friendly exchanges terribly. And that was weeks ago. It seems incredible that they can’t act like adults when it comes to the two of them.
So she will make the first move. She gets out of the car, straightening her office shirt and holding a bouquet of roses, tulips and daisies that Mapi apparently likes a lot. And along with the flower arrangement, an apology and perhaps a very mature decision to leave things as they were before the kiss if that is what Mapi wants. She will put the decision in the hands of the Spanish woman and will abide by what she tells her.
It is strange that Mapi does not answer the insistent knock on her door. Her all-terrain vehicle is parked. Ingrid checks behind the house, in the greenhouse, knocks again and finally believes that the Spanish woman is not at home anyway.
But Geri appears sneaking out from a window and Ingrid lingers for a few seconds, caressing her.
-I think your mommy and I are destined to fall out, huh?
A meow as if agreeing with her and Ingrid smiles slightly.
The cabin door opens and Mapi appears, dripping water from her hair and half-dressed.
-I thought it was your voice-he says.
-I thought… I thought you weren’t home-Ingrid stops crouching with Geri and looks at Mapi, and avoids at all costs dwelling on her appearance too much because it’s one of the things she’d resolved to stop doing before. Well, not before but at that very moment. She was going to stop undressing Mapi with her eyes every time she had the chance.
-I was in the shower-Mapi clarifies unnecessarily.
-Well-Ingrid feels unusually clumsy and swallows, gaining a few seconds- I… can we talk? If you don’t want to, I understand, but it would be nice if we could clarify… you know…
Mapi raises her eyebrows and stays like that for several seconds. For her, there is nothing to clarify really. Well, just to make it clear that they can leave everything behind.
-You can come in, you know.
-I’m fine like this-Ingrid shifts her weight from one leg to the other with great concern-and mmm, if it’s not excessive, I brought you these flowers in a poor attempt to apologize.
Mapi takes the bouquet without hesitation and now instead of arching her eyebrows, she furrows them considerably.
-They are beautiful-Mapi murmurs slightly delighted-but apologize for what?
-You know what I’m talking about.
-But that’s already forgotten, Ingrid.
Mapi doesn’t miss the grimace the Norwegian makes.
-I mean… we don’t have to make a big deal out of it. It’s already happened and it’s better if we don’t stir things up unnecessarily.
-You think so? Has it already happened?
-Well, yes… don’t you think so?
-It’s just that… I thought we should talk about it… I wanted to know why you reciprocated and then…
-As I told you, it was a moment of weakness-Mapi coughs, clearing her throat-but I would be happy if we could both pretend that nothing happened and go back to… well, I don’t know, to the friendship we were building.
Mapi doesn’t miss how Ingrid lowers her shoulders in a kind of defeat and blinks a few times.
-I… if that’s what you want- Ingrid really didn’t know what to expect when she went there with a stupid bouquet of flowers. And now she feels pathetic both because of the flowers and because the girl she likes, who she probably started to fall in love with, is dismissing what she feels and offering her friendship. And that’s probably better than nothing.
-Yes, you know, we were starting a nice friendship, and the physical attraction? That goes away in an instant- Mapi continues without hesitation- it’s good that you can move on and there was no need for an apology or flowers.
-I guess not but I wanted to.
Ingrid sighs and runs a hand through her hair without stopping to think about the last thing Mapi says.
-Are we okay then?
-Of course.
Mapi avoids winking at her and also asking her about Jill, and how quickly she seemed to forget the kiss they shared among the scattered plants and pots of soil, and the words she whispered so passionately the night they went out to the bar. Exactly “it’s fucking hard not to try to seduce you.” Mapi can’t get them out of her head.
Ingrid extends her hand and Mapi does not hesitate to shake it, more as a reflex action than as something conscious because her thoughts are far away, lost in the longing for something unnameable that she will not have and in settling for this.
Ingrid’s friendship. But having her as a friend is better than not having her at all.
-Maybe a hug? -Ingrid asks timidly.
This takes Mapi by surprise. They are not the type to have physical contact (they go straight to eating each other’s mouths with hot kisses) nor do they give each other kisses on the cheek as a greeting. Much less do they hug each other.
Mapi is afraid of getting carried away by the moment, but she nods anyway and takes a step closer to Ingrid, crossing her arms behind the Ingridˋs back. The black-haired benefits from the height difference and puts her own arms over Mapi’s shoulders. It’s a very tight hug that lasts longer than usual, being something friendly.
Still, none of them do anything to cut short the moment.
Mapi feels Ingrid sigh against her hair and she does the same. She feels so much that it overflows uncontrollably. Ingrid has only been in her life for a few months and she is already a mess.
-Are you okay with the trip to Oslo? -asks Ingrid, leaving the previous topic behind. And moving away subtly, creating a physical distance that she does not want.
-I think so-Mapi answers-Are you saying that because you have to see old classmates?
-Yeah.
-There’s nothing wrong with that-Mapi shrugs-it’s not like I’m going to talk to them.
-You won’t do it?
Ingrid’s shock is so noticeable that Mapi knows this is a bad idea.
-That stage of my life is behind me and… it’s better that way.
-But Caro will be there.
-I know.
-And any Spanish girls you played with.
-I see you are informed of everything.
-Frida.
Mapi accepts this as the only explanation. She knows that the girl is obsessed with women’s football and that she is interested in joining a club’s youth team to train. Mapi supports her in this but she must discuss it with her parents.
-Anyway, haven’t you given me any more information? I just know that we’re going to Oslo and that’s all.
-I can put together a great itinerary for you, you know-Ingrid answers playfully-if you need to have everything under control.
-It’s not that-the Spanish woman rolls her eyes-it’s about the hotel, the tickets…
The question was whether I would have to endure seeing her with Jill for two whole days.
-Don’t worry about it, mom took care of everything.
-Oh yeah?
-She was excited to do this with the whole family and wanted to take the burden off of Ada and Karl. I was going to do it, but you know her.
-Okay, but do I want to pay for my room and ticket?
-Tell mom and then tell me.
Mapi snorts nasally and Ingrid tilts her head slightly, not hiding her enthusiasm.
-I can’t wait for the weekend to arrive-Ingrid murmurs.
Ingrid doesn’t stay much longer even if she wants to. Being close to Mapi all the time, that’s what she wants and can’t have.
♣♣♣♣♣♣♣
It turns out that Gudrun is not stupid. Not at all. She prides herself on her sixth sense, which is so keen and so developed that it allows her to notice things that would usually go unnoticed by other people.
And she knows what’s brewing. She knows it almost from the beginning, as if she were a witch or some kind of fortune teller. And she raves about it.
There are the looks. That is the most obvious thing in the universe of two people who are attracted to each other. Stolen glances, longing and shining eyes, desire so plain to see.
Then there’s the flirting. Ingrid and Mapi may think they’re doing a great job of hiding everything, but their looks speak for each other, and they talk to each other, with phrases that sometimes reveal more than they want to show. And Gudrun pays attention to everything.
She knows they spend time together, that they’ve dated, that what started out rather casually is now something. And it’s something big, it’s not just lust or something temporary. There’s an intense current between the two of them that even outsiders can’t ignore even if they’re busy doing it.
And of course, although she is dying to give a strong push that would make one fall into the arms of the other, she is not rushing it. That is, she is going to give a very gentle push in the right direction. Her daughter and the girl she loves like another daughter have to take the next step and take care of themselves from there.
Gudrun loves Mapi. And for Mapi and Ingrid to get together? Hallucinatory.
Plus, through her observations, she’s noticed that neither of them has taken a step towards… anything. She just knows it, she feels it, she senses it. And they’re both so tense around each other lately that they’re going to explode at any moment.
And there’s that girl Jill who keeps stalking Ingrid tirelessly as if she were prey she’ll soon be able to catch.
So Gudrun wants everything to go well, ignores her husband’s taunts, and as a first measure she seats Ingrid and Mapi together on the plane; as a second, she puts them in the same room but with double beds (she doesn’t want to be too obvious); they also have seats together at the stadium. And she planned a dinner for the whole family in the hotel’s private lounge to celebrate Anders’ birthday, which will make everyone get out their best suits.A
And it will be a complete fiasco if the two stubborn and headstrong women do not finally unite.
So Gudrun rubs her hands together because the big plan is underway and she has a great feeling about it.