A kiss that burns my lips
But it was more than two weeks before they met again.
Ingrid wasn't hiding. No.
She had a lot of work to do in Oslo. And a neglected social life that she took up again every day. No matter how tired she was at the end of the day, she still attended a meeting with friends, went out to eat with someone interesting or went to the club a couple of times.
That was her before. Before María León and her perfect indifference.
And Frido, having to endure Frido's teasing was the worst!
The blonde thought she was either resentful or embarrassed by the rejection (because she couldn't help but tell her). And both things were true.
Ingrid was embarrassed because she was mistaken for Mapi. She thought that the Spanish woman would fall at her feet for saying just a few words to her, and what was worse, she thought that Mapi also felt the same way; but Frido simply pointed out to her that she couldn't hide forever.
She was right about that. So Ingrid returns, visits her sister, maje meals with the whole family, follows the real estate project closely, and deliberately gives no sign of life to Mapi.
-I left Maria the tree you bought her at the fair-Gudrun said just a few minutes after seeing her rretur-she was surprised. She thought it was a gift from me.
-She must have been confused.
-You didn't tell me that you went out to a bar-Gudrun puts on that hopeful look-you...?
Ingrid rolls her eyes and refrains from responding with the appropriate response.
-No, mamma . It was just an unimportant outing- Ingrid checks the papers she has in her hand, which are for Jill, ready to take them to her as soon as possible.
Gudrun hums a response and then looks at her with a calm expression.
-Can you do me a favor?
-Of course.
-I bought some special soil and fertilizer for Maria for this tree you gave her. Can you take those things to her? You have to stop by the store to pick them up.
-And María couldn't do it?
-Ingrid.
-Yes, yes, I agree-Ingrid agrees because refusing would be to expose Gudrun's cleverness- but I have to go see Jill and stop by one of the plays. It won't be until the afternoon.
-I already told you that that girl Jill…
-I know what you said, mamma-she rolls her eyes again and puts the papers away- I'll see you tomorrow. I'll go to Ada's house at night.
Her sister continued to improve favorably and the children were becoming more enthusiastic every day about possible games and outings with their mother. Until now, there were few outings to the park and walks near the house.
She meets with Jill, gives her the papers, accepts a coffee from the blonde-she always does-and thinks about declining lunch with her on some vague excuse, but really she needs to discuss changes to the original plans. So they head to a restaurant and Ingrid confirms that this meal will not interfere with the rest of the day.
Maybe spending so much time hiding in Oslo wasn't the best idea because he has a lot of work backlogged there.
She feels Jill's arm and hand on her back guiding her closer than she should be, and she looks at her questioningly.
-To cross the street.
-This is Melhus-says Ingrid sarcastically, and sees Mapi's all-terrain vehicle slowly crossing and the Spanish woman doesn't even look at them-did you see her and that's why you took me like that?
-Whom?
Ingrid huffs in frustration, ready to tell Jill for the tenth time that she is not interested in any personal relationship.
-The Spanish girl? She didn't even look at us-Jill says indifferently-seriously, you used to have better taste, Ingrid. Have you seen the car she drives? She seems to be shouting from the rooftops that she's the consummate lesbian in town.
Ingrid bites her upper lip to keep from saying what she wants to say, and they walk into the restaurant. She can be professional and maintain a professional relationship even if Jill makes it difficult at times.
It's not that late when Ingrid arrives at Mapi's cabin, but she wants to get it over with-Gudrun's request-and see her as little as possible, and talk even less. At the moment, she is aware that she acts like a woman who has never been rejected, and of course they have been in the past. But Mapi didn't even reject her, she just said she would forget it or something like that, to make light of it.
She might calm down a bit as the days go by and forget about it completely, but she shouldn't have said anything in the first place. Let it be as it was. Let things take their course.
Mapi is…well, she’s changing one of the wheels on her car.
Ingrid lets out a silent oath. Is this some kind of test for believing that she would never like a woman like her? Because every time he goes to that place, Mapi is doing some fucking normal activity that only she makes look sexy. Changing a car tire. It's something so simple, so unattractive. A dirty, greased-up woman? They don't make her knees tremble at all.
But Mapi is crouched, flexing her arms, a little sweaty, and Ingrid is out of breath for a while.
Mapi stops and looks at her as soon as Ingrid leaves the safety of her own car.
-María-and she speaks in a rather serious tone, more to herself than to the other woman-how are you?
-Hey-Mapi wipes her hands with a cloth and stands up quickly-how are you? You disappeared.
-Work-Ingrid justifies very quickly and barely holding the Spanish woman's gaze.
-Yes, that's what I thought-Mapi's expression and tone tell her that she is far from believing that that is the whole reason.
-I'm in a bit of a hurry anyway, mmm, I brought you some bags of soil that Mom said you needed.
-Yes, she insisted on it-says Mapi with a half smile-although I could have done it on my own.
-I'm sure you will, but you know how Mom is-Ingrid approaches the trunk and opens it- show me where and I'll leave this for you.
Mapi is staring at her a lot, Ingrid can feel it, and she brushes it off. She takes a deep breath and calms down. She is a mature woman and can live with rejection. She is a grown woman who can be with any girl she chooses. She is a woman who like another woman who is immune to her.
-Let me do it.
Mapi effortlessly grabs the three bags and carries them toward the greenhouse, but turns around when she notices that Ingrid isn't walking next to her.
-Are you coming? I want to show you the tree you gave me-she says almost shyly-and the rest of my plants.
Ingrid hesitates but finally sets her feet in motion. She had no intention of spending too much time with Mapi so soon but she follows her.
Ingrid never entered the small greenhouse. Well, it is not that small and it is well equipped and armed.
-How did you come up with this?
-My mother gave me the idea-answers Mapi and Ingrid realizes that this is the first time she has mentioned it- I told her about all the free time I had back then, when I first arrived, and she told me that plants require time, responsibility and dedication. So, even though I knew nothing about it, I had this structure installed, even a solar panel, and I started buying small trees and plants. And I learned as I went along. Gudrun has helped me a lot.
-I know, it's a hobby for her too-Ingrid frowns-and what is this place here for?
-For my chickens as soon as it starts to get colder. The boxes and the structure where I keep them are removable, and to prevent them from freezing, I bring them here with solar heating.
-You've thought of everything.
-Well, I'm still learning.
Mapi shows her plants, some pots that need changing soil, and even small vegetables that she uses for cooking.
-I want to thank you for the plum tree-Mapi puts on some well-worn gloves- I thought you said it was from Gudrun.
-Yes, well, I was afraid I was… overdoing it.
- About what?
-I don't really know-Ingrid stammers, unable to stop watching Mapi working in the soil-but it was a gift, a silly thing, really, for all the help you gave us during the summer.
Mapi shakes her head softly, looking so focused and yet relaxed. Ingrid listens to her and appreciates being able to do so. And she appreciates her, she knows it. At some point she began to worry about Mapi even though it is so complicated to gather the many feelings she provokes in her and sort them one by one. Because on top of that, there is the other thing, and desire and attraction have not diminished. She fears that she is confusing everything, confusing lust with love. One thing has nothing to do with the other, that is well known, even she has nothing to compare.
As she always thinks a lot in the presence of the Spanish woman and it would be best not to do so at all or to do so in the solitude of her home, she goes to say goodbye just a few minutes later.
-Are you leaving so soon?
And oh, Mapi-the lonely Mapi-no would have to look like someone who wants to be close to her sharing the same space.
-Yeah.
-Would you like to come in and have some tea? Or sit on the porch.
-I'm...I'm in a bit of a hurry.
-Not even if I tell you that Geri and Freki miss you?
-I really can't-Ingrid wants to look her in the eyes, but then she remembers her stupid confession and Mapi's reaction, and she runs away from the amber eyes.
-Will you pick up Oscar and Frida sometime this week?
-I guess so, but...ah, I'm quite busy-Ingrid plays with her cuticles absentmindedly.
Then Mapi's shadow falls on her and is so close that she can smell the mixture of perfume and sweat that it gives off, and it hurts a little in different places and in different ways.
-Ingrid.
-Yeah?
-Have you been avoiding me because of what happened that night? -Mapi clears her throat-because of what you said.
Because in reality nothing had happened.
-It's not like that, I was in Oslo-the black-haired finally forces herself to look at her.
-I thought you did. It felt strange not seeing you for so many days.
-It has nothing to do with it-maybe so many days weren't necessary, she was the one who extended the stay hiding in shame-and about what I said, it really won't be a problem.
-I know you don't, and I appreciate that you've been honest-Mapi buries her upper teeth in her lower lip and doesn't let Ingrid look away again-but you don't have to run away from me because of that, no…
-I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. I...I like you. We've only known you for a few months but I think we can even say that we're friends? -the Norwegian rests her palms, one on each side of her body, against a table and tilts her head-and you're the children's trainer, a person my mother adores, so whatever I...the attraction I feel is not relevant, I'm not going to make you feel more uncomfortable, I promise.
-Ingrid-Mapi takes another step closer-don't continue, please.
-I just hadn't planned on telling you at all, okay? I was going to tell you before and try to get you into bed-that sounded so rude even to her own ears-then I came here for a beer, you showed me some boundaries and I decided there was no point in making any moves to seduce you because after we hooked up, what? I like you as a person and there's no point in sending everything to hell over a roll in the hay. But then that night we went out I realized it's all one-sided, that I messed up terribly, and yeah, I feel a little embarrassed and I guess that will pass with time.
She takes a breath of fresh air and doesn't lower the eyes because she needs to say more.
-But I thought that... sometimes it seemed to me that you reciprocated my silly flirting, or that you were attracted, and that led me to think... forget it-she slowly lowers her voice until she falls silent.
Because Mapi has that burning gaze that she's seen before-one that made her think she felt the same way before! As if she could see beyond her eyes to his mind and the deepest thoughts he harbors.
-Ingrid-Mapi repeats and raises a hand very slowly asking permission to place it on her face.
Ingrid can only nod without missing the movement, closing her eyes when the back of Mapi's hand brushes her cheek.
-I'm sorry-she whispers, blinking a few times involuntarily-I didn't reject you. It's just that... I didn't know what to do or say. I mean, I knew exactly what I wanted to do, but you took me by surprise.
-María, I've undressed you with my eyes more than a thousand times, was it really a surprise? -the Norwegian snorts.
-Well, you're right-Mapi concedes, her cheeks turning red-but I didn't think you were going to say it like that, so openly.
-It wasn't planned and I really regretted it later.
-Did you do it?
-I didn't want to tell you. I wanted to kiss you, actually-Ingrid confesses and makes her point clear when her eyes go to Mapi's lips.
-Maybe if you kissed me...you wouldn't have left me so surprised-replies Mapi, who continues caressing her face and gets closer and closer until Ingrid's breath hits her nose and mouth.
Ingrid takes that as permission and stops resting her hands on the table; instead, one of her arms wraps around Mapi's back and with her hand she brushes and slides slowly and deliberately up the Spanish woman's spine, making a path upwards, and before even thinking about anything else or regretting it, she leans closer until her lips join hers in a slow, warm, discovery kiss and... Mapi's body seems to sway slightly in surprise so she holds her by the shoulder firmly with her free arm; the other continues on the spine.
Ingrid had given and received so many kisses before, all kinds of kisses, and by her soul she couldn't remember one that had made her feel so dizzy and wobbly, that made her have unknown sensations, that made her feel helpless and euphoric. And even though she initiated it, Mapi quickly took control; Ingrid let herself be guided in the kiss, she didn't even protest to take control as she liked to do, blindly going to give herself there where the lips pressed, opened, demanded more and more. Mapi's mouth was already an expert in those few seconds at making her yearn for unknown things, and when the tip of the Spanish woman's tongue touched her own tongue, there was no turning back.
Ingrid lets out a low, high-pitched moan and pulls Mapi closer, not holding back any space with her hands roaming everywhere. No one can be that fucking good at kissing. She's crazy. Crazy for Mapi, and she needs more.
There are no words, but Mapi makes her intentions clear when she grabs her by the hips and leans her against the table. And Ingrid sits down, knocking over a few flower pots in the process without either of them caring, and lets the Spanish girl settle between her legs without taking their mouths off.
Mapi's lips move along her jaw, down her neck, back to below her ear and follow the same path several times, until returning to her lips.
Ingrid performs the same actions and to her complete delight, elicits a few stifled gasps from Mapi, words that are murmured in a serious, affected tone.
-You're killing me-says Mapi.
Ingrid smiles. They are killing each other. The headlines would read: death by excess of pleasure. It is all so real and a reality that they cannot detach themselves and Ingrid feels that she could fall apart in the arms of the Spanish woman, that Mapi could turn her into mush at any moment.
-Let's go to your room-she asks in a whisper against the relentless lips.
-Yeah-Mapi gasps, but she doesn't make any move to guide her or move.
The kisses become increasingly raw and what started gently escalates to unimaginable levels, with neither of them wanting to stop it.
Mapi leans closer to Ingrid and urges her to lie halfway on the table, slipping a hand under her clothes feeling lots of warm skin, moving up her back and wanting more. She hesitates a second before running her fingers to Ingrid's belt buckle and undoing it.
-Go on, go on, please.
But Mapi stops abruptly as if Ingrid's voice had brought her out of some kind of trance.
-Wait, Ingrid, we can't do this-she denies almost vehemently and steps away.
And Ingrid's image is the complete expression of surrender. Her unruly hair, disheveled and with strands on either side of her face, her lips swollen and red from her kisses, her clothes disheveled and her gaze so wild with pure need.
-¿Maria?
-We can't. I can't, I'm sorry, okay? -and he takes more steps back, putting all kinds of distance.
-But why?
-It wouldn't be fair, we can't-Mapi looks at the floor and shakes her head as vehemently as before. Someone has to be reasonable and cold-blooded.
-I thought you were responding pretty well to my kisses a moment ago-Ingrid murmurs, getting down from the table and gently wiping her lips-I don't understand what changed from one moment to the next.
-I feel very attracted to you but that doesn't change anything-Mapi answers firmly-it was a moment of weakness, I'm sorry.
-A moment of weakness? -the Norwegian woman repeats, blinking in disbelief and running her tongue over her lower lip-so that's what they call it these days.
She shouldn't even be in pain, but she is. She fastens her belt again and straightens her blouse and blazer, shaking the dirt off of it. She swallows angrily and takes a few deep breaths to calm herself.
-I didn't mean any of this when I came here today, and I feel like shit now-she says.
-Ingrid, it's not your fault, it's me-clarifies Mapi, unable to explain herself.
-Please save the trite phrases, I know the story.
She knew it because it's a phrase she's practiced throughout her life and it was taking its toll on her at that moment. Mapi likes it, it's not a new discovery but she was sure of it now, and even so, the Spanish woman is still rejecting her.
-I better go, Maria-Ingrid can no longer look at her and does not regret the frowning expression that accompanies her to the exit of the greenhouse-I will not take up any more of your time or… anything.
The worst of all is that Mapi only stammers 'it's better this way' and lowers her head without being able to say anything else.
Furious. That's the word that describes Ingrid when she gets into the car.
And the other is hurt, when she moves away from the cabin and the more than recent events happen one after another in her restless mind.
♣♣♣♣♣♣♣
Mapi runs a hand over her face, curses and swears to the four winds once she hears the car start.
Was there any point in running after Ingrid and trying to stop her after… kissing her so much and now rejecting her? Ingrid may be thinking the worst of her and she wouldn't be wrong. Not even Mapi herself understands it.
She wish had someone to ask for advice, but Patri is far away, she wouldn't understand and I would have to tell her the whole story from the beginning; and she can't go to Gudrun either-she's her daughter! She can't go to the woman and tell her that he almost fucked her on a table full of plants.
But that's not the point, or maybe it is; the point is how much she wanted to do it and still wants to. And how wrong it seemed to let herself be carried away by her instincts because then what? Ingrid herself said it, they would screw up the very… friendly relationship they have; and she cares about Ingrid, and without stopping to consider how much or in what way, but she appreciates her and cares about her.
And now that she's tasted the Norwegian's mouth and felt the warm skin under her palm, now that she knows how Ingrid responds to her, it's terrifying how much she wants her and how much she wants everything that concerns the Norwegian for herself. How she longs to lead her to the bedroom and lock themselves there for hours to do everything she wants to do, which is so much.
Mapi leaves all the work in the greenhouse and goes to take a very cold shower because apart from being sweaty and dirty, she is horny and there is nothing she can do to relieve it.
She lets the jet of water fall relentlessly on her and doesn't hold back the tears that come out hot and untimely. Ingrid has turned everything upside down and if she was doing a terrible good job ignoring everything, no more.
Since that night they went out, she's been more present than ever in her head. The words she said, how she said them. Her absence afterwards and how much she missed her in all the days she didn't see her, the overwhelming need to know about her.
Mapi more or less knows what it's all about and he doesn't like it. Because Ingrid never spoke of feelings, of anything more than desire, and if she didn't mention them it's because they don't exist.
But Mapi, with all the time to think since the night Ingrid said she wanted to seduce her, knows how much she craves things that can't be had. That night she wanted to let herself go and she was able to stop herself, just like this afternoon, but until when? No one can stay on that roller coaster of emotions without faltering at some point.
And the scariest thing of all is, besides what Ingrid makes her feel, discovering what she provokes in the black-haired. Together, they look like a bomb about to explode.
♣♣♣♣♣♣♣
Ingrid did not pick up or drop off the children during the remaining days of that week. Mapi feels guilty even though she shouldn't and both Gudrun and Karl hint that she is buried in work and will soon be free. As if they owe her such an explanation.
Oscar is beyond excited when he tells her that he will soon be going to Oslo with Ingrid to watch a match between Haaland and Norway; and Frida adds that they will also see the women's team later. And she even winked at Mapi when she mentioned Caro.
-You are very good at keeping secrets, Frida.
-We made a promise with tante Ingrid-the girl shrugs-and I like to know only I.
Mapi smiles and then thinks about Ingrid and the apology that hasn't come out of her mouth yet. Apologize for what exactly? She didn't make a big speech in her head but she plans to go to Ingrid's apartment and try to talk, say something that will make the brunette come closer again. But if she's honest, very late at night when she hasn't been able to sleep, she has thought that this is better. To be far away from each other and for everything to be over at once.
-Ingrid will come next week-says Gudrun and walks away with that suspicious gesture that is so typical of hers.
But Mapi can't wait when she knows she has to say something, so that afternoon she goes to Ingrid's apartment rehearsing a few lines about why they can't hook up and what a bad idea that means.
It's late afternoon, almost night, Ingrid probably isn't there, but Mapi think she has nothing to lose by checking. And yes, she wants to see her too, even if she pushes that recurring thought away again and again.
-Huh... It's Maria-she says over the intercom when there is only silence. At least she hears the beep and the door to the building opens.
But the door to Ingrid's apartment reveals someone else. Jill. The beautiful blonde seems to be everywhere lately. And right around Ingrid. And Mapi can't help but notice that she's freshly showered and probably wearing Ingrid's clothes. Almost like she belong there.
Her heart sinks because she can make up great monologues and force herself to believe them, but the reality is that she is so interested in Ingrid that it hurts. Yet she is already there and she speaks.
-Oh, mmm, I'm looking for Ingrid.
-Maria, right? The coach.
Mapi nods as she notices the other woman's direct, evaluative look, not at all subtle and very uncomfortable.
-What are you looking for her for?
-It's something… private.
Jill nods and turns her head to face the bathroom, practically yelling, and no doubt with full intent.
-Honey, they're looking for you.
Mapi grits her teeth and doesn't take her eyes off the floor, wishing the earth would swallow her up.
-I'm sorry, she's in the shower and shouldn't be listening. Do you want me to go get her?
The woman has a horrible smug expression on her face and Mapi hates being there to witness it. She hates being so intrusive. And she hates even more where her thoughts are taking her.
-No need. I'm sorry I...
-Yes, you interrupted us but it's okay-Jill frowns-you know, you came at a good time, because I want to tell you that I notice how you're looking at her and you need to stop doing that.
-Why? -Instead of denying it, Mapi makes it a challenge.
-Because Ingrid is with me.
It's all the confirmation Mapi needs to make a vague gesture with her head and turn on her heels, ready to flee to wallow in misery.
-She… she makes fun of you, you know? And yet you thought you had a chance? -Jill shakes her head mockingly and laughs-maybe she was attracted to you before because you're… different or… ordinary, yes, that was the word. But it's over now, she understood that there's no point in making out so you can stick to her looking for more. I'm the kind of woman Ingrid likes and she never sleeps with the same one more than twice but I'm the exception, what does that tell you?
“You're just going to settle,” Mapi thinks, swallowing her bitterness.
-Did you really think about touching her with your rough hands? That she would be attracted by those disgusting muscles you boast so much or by how dull and insignificant your conversation is? Ingrid has laughed so much about all of this and how unfeminine you look! So you can stop trying to seduce her, she won't be the one for you.
Mapi is hurt by words, not so much by the words themselves, but by what they contain, everything.
The other woman's smug expression hasn't abated, and she wishes she could wipe it away with a scathing, eloquent retort, only she's having none of it.
Ingrid has already made her choice and makes it clear why she wanted her, what she intended. A fuck-which never happened, thank God-and nothing else. How opportune to have reacted in time that afternoon in the greenhouse.
-May you be happy.
The venom distilled in that sentence is quickly replaced by a kind of acute and familiar pain that discards, as always, everything that has to do with feelings and with Ingrid. And finally she turns on her heels and returns home, to the only thing that is moderately safe and stable that she has.