I can't escape this dilemma
August ended with many rainy days and so began September.
The rain cleanses, brings calm, takes away bad things. That's what her mother always said. Mapi remembers it and calls her parents and talks to them for a long time like she hadn't done in a long time. It's not something that makes her feel good but she does it anyway.
And then she goes for a walk in the woods. It's damp, it's drizzling lightly, and the sun is almost setting. Shorter, cooler days will soon be here, and she's more prepared than she was last year.
She takes a long walk that takes her more than an hour and returns eager for a shower, a light dinner and her soft bed. And she hopes that sleep will not elude her too much.
She is circling the cabin from a considerable height in the forest and notices Ingrid's red Lotus parked outside the cabin. She rushes to get there even though she should take it easy and think about what to say to the black-haired.
They saw each other during the week when she went to pick up Oscar and Frida twice, but their interactions were pretty much non-existent. She always seemed in a hurry and was quick to apologize.
Mapi couldn't stop thinking about Ingrid and...Jill. It makes her a little repulsed to think about it, but she supposes that there is something to it if her instinct is not wrong, and she doesn't plan on encouraging anything inside herself for Ingrid. The attraction will pass.
Ah, but she almost stumbles in her attempt to reach her, like a giant contradiction between what she wants to do and what she actually does.
Ingrid is standing on the porch, with Freki in her arms, covering her with fur, and Geri scratching at her leg. They already adore her.
-Hey-Mapi says breathlessly.
-Maria. I hope you don't mind-Ingrid looks her up and down and then directly in the eyes.
-No, you know. Haven't you been waiting a long time?
-Not much, did you go running in the rain?
-A walk. You should try it one day. It's very good-Mapi opens the door and invites her in.
-Could we stay out here? It's so... so...
- So?
-Nice-she finishes.
-Yeah, sure, give me a couple of minutes to change.
And only when Mapi disappears inside, Ingrid allows herself to breathe normally and exhale a long sigh.
-You better do it-she whispers, not at all grateful for the sight of Mapi and a completely wet tank top stuck to her body that will haunt her for days. That seems to be the paradox of her life at that time. Appreciative glances that she gives Mapi and that then haunt her during the day, at night, in the early morning.
If she weren't such a coward, if she could just get her feet to work, she'd go in and find out once and for all if Mapi correspond her. She'd pounce on the Spanish girl, devour her just like she'd dreamed, and then it would all be gone. Or, Mapi might look at her with distaste and dismiss her desire, kicking her out of the house immediately. Either way, it would all be over later, whether she satisfied her uncontrollable desire or not.
-Did you also decide it was a good afternoon for a walk?
-Something like that-answers Ingrid sitting down on that chair that belongs to Mapi- actually, I brought you something. Here.
-Oh, I forgot them!
Ingrid handed her a bag with some books she had bought at the fair and had completely forgotten about.
-Mrs. Haugen was puzzled. It was only when she mentioned a very pretty Spanish woman speaking very bad Norwegian that I could deduce that she was talking about you.
-Yeah, I guess there aren't many Spanish girls around here.
-No so pretty, I think-says Ingrid, not wanting to retract.
-Well, thanks for bringing them to me-and Mapi, of course, doesn't return the flirtation-I completely forgot about it on the day of the fair.
-Mom thought I did something to you and you ran away, can you believe it?
-No, I…I was tired.
-Okay, don't explain. We left early anyway.
WWasshe talking about her and Jill?
-With mom, I mean-Ingrid clarifies, almost as if she could read her mind.
Mapi swallows and puts her hands in her pockets, lowering her amber eyes to the wooden floor.
-Can I offer you some tea? -and since that sounds like an afterthought, she makes an apologetic face-you know my reputation as a bad hostess.
-It's not that bad and I'm already used to it-Ingrid winks at her-a cup of tea sounds good.
Mapi enters again and this time Ingrid follows her carrying the bag with books and asking permission to enter.
-You know, I was listening to some Chopin because I don't really like Vivaldi-Ingrid murmurs-and don't look at me like that, I take everything you say very seriously.
-And what is the verdict?
-Everyone in the office thought I had gone crazy, but it was okay, I closed my eyes for a moment and slowed down -Ingrid laughs-and I had a big coffee afterwards.
-I knew you would say that-Mapi shakes her head and hands her the tea-and that's fine, nothing I say should be taken literally. I don't have the infallible truth.
However, she seemed to know a lot of things and to have been through a lot more than anyone should.
Ingrid doesn't miss any of Mapi's movements as she brings the cup to her lips, from taking out a book to furrowing her eyebrows and looking for a case for reading glasses.
And it's so unexpected that Ingrid gets a twinge in her stomach. She looks so beautiful, focused and captivating, muttering to herself, that she turns away to avoid the bad and the good thoughts.
'It's just a woman with glasses, for God's sake,' Ingrid blows on her tea and continues drinking slowly.
-I'm going to Oslo for a few days next week, but first I have to bring you something from Mom. Can I come in?
- And what would that be? -Mapi closes the book and takes off her glasses.
-I can't say it.
-The mystery is not going to let me sleep.
-What a liar.
Mapi smiles, or rather, she gives that usual attempt at a smile that Ingrid has already gotten used to.
-You can come whenever you want, I'm not going to repeat it over and over again.
-You say that because you feel indebted to me-Ingrid jabs-when in reality it's us who are indebted.
-It's not like that-the Spanish girl denies-you don't owe me. It was a different summer and as I told your father, Frida and Oscar kept me in shape. And I... I don't feel indebted to you, I mean, a little bit yes and I still wonder why you did what you did, but that's not why I insist that you come.
-Ah, now you insist?
-More or less.
-Why?
-I already told you, I like talking to you.
They don't miss a beat of conversation as they head back out, and Ingrid admits that she loves being there with Mapi. Eerily comforting.
-You know-Ingrid murmurs in a low, silky tone-that would touch my heart if I didn't know that I must be the only person you talk to, besides Mom, there's no way to make me feel special about it!
Mapi laughs, that loud, joyful laugh that forces Ingrid to lick her lips and talk roughly.
-I thought that too.
-So you admit it?
-No- says Mapi- I thought about it a while ago, you know? But I came to the conclusion that I love being alone and it's my choice, and if I accept your mom's invitations or if you come to have tea with me, it's also my choice, it's not something I take lightly. So I could go out and meet more people if I wanted to, but I don't want to. And believe me, I've thought about doing it.
Ingrid analyzes those words and smiles. For being so closed off, Mapi always reveals a lot to her.
-I feel overwhelmed at the thought that you seek my company.
-Don't feel so arrogant.
-Ah, but that's how I feel, however, we could do an experiment.
-What would that be? -Mapi doesn't like the tone used by Ingrid at all and begins to regret a little allowing herself to enjoy spending a few minutes in her company.
-Go out. Together. To a bar.
-For what purpose?
-What does someone go to a bar for, Maria?
-I don't drink much.
-But you can meet people.
-I'm not interested.
-But you just said…
-Yes, but I'm not interested anymore, Ingrid-Mapi shrugs indifferently- and going to a bar to meet people hasn't gone out of fashion? I read a recent article that says that young people prefer to meet other young people through those strange apps.
-I see you read a lot- hisses Ingrid- and in any case, were you thinking of going to flirt or what?
-No, that wasn't the point at all-Mapi hates the heat rising up her neck and forces herself to adopt a calm posture-it was just a comment. I don't really usually go out to meet people like that…
-You don't meet people if you don't go out to meet people. Or do you already have one of those apps that gives you the shivers and you're embarrassed to admit it?
-Is that how you do it? To meet people.
-Sometimes-admits Ingrid-but I also go for a drink after work. There are many possibilities.
-Okay, okay, well I don't-Mapi thinks until she finally nods-and when do you want to leave?
- Tomorrow? I can't give you much time to change your mind, huh?
-I wouldn't do it anyway.
Ingrid smiles and takes her eyes off Mapi again to concentrate on slowly stroking Geri and Freki .
-You already have them in the palm of your hand.
-Yes, I remember that they were two fearsome beasts, untamable!
She leaves out the other part, the one where she would look at Mapi directly and ask her if she is also untamable and if with effort she would be conquered. If one day she could get her in the palm of the hand too even if it doesn't sound too good in her own thoughts. Mapi doesn't seem like the kind of woman to play around with and then leave without looking back.
♣♣♣♣♣♣♣
'It's not a date, it's not a date, control yourself, it's not a date,' Mapi repeats that in front of the mirror at least a dozen times while trying on different outfits.
She had all last night and all that day to mull things over and think about the upcoming outing with Ingrid. The experiment, as she called it, but an experiment for what? Surely to prove that her social skills had been forgotten.
When she is half satisfied with the jeans and light jacket and combs her hair with her own fingers, she looks out in case it starts to rain, which would result in the need for an umbrella that she hates to use. But showing up to Ingrid in a wet mess like the day before is not an option.
And everything that comes with wanting to look good for the Norwegian is something that makes her more worried than usual. It's like being constantly on edge since she met Ingrid.
It's not raining yet and she rushes out and gets to the location that Ingrid sent her on her cell phone. Oh, that too, they exchanged numbers and it feels like the strangest thing in the world.
The black-haired girl is already waiting for her at a table and smiles when she sees her arrive. And those smiles, which are becoming more and more frequent, make her tingle all over. They are genuine, open smiles, smiles with bright eyes included. But she also gives her very appreciative glances that make her hair stand on end.
-A beer?
-Yeah.
Ingrid walks up to the bar and places the orders. And it's Mapi's turn to look her up and down, always gorgeous, always so sexy and confident. And definitely, just one beer all night is what she should have if she doesn't want to start doing stupid things.
-It's not that I thought you wouldn't come, but I was already getting worried.
-How exaggerated, I arrived at the right time.
-You tell yourself that every day and you believe it.
Mapi snorts and brings the beer to her lips.
-What was your experiment about?
-Meeting people. Making friends.
- And how am I supposed to do that?
-You look at someone, approach them and say something to get their attention.
-I bet it always works for you-Mapi murmurs with a sideways smile.
-I'm not sharing my tips for meeting people or flirting, Maria, and we're not talking about me.
-I think there should be more people so we have options-Mapi looks around the bar counting the other six people there besides those two-maybe coming on a Wednesday wasn't a great idea.
-I think so-Ingrid winks at him, her cheekbones already rosy, and it's not because of the beer.
-Well, I'll have to settle for your company after all.
-I feel overwhelmed again at the thought that you want my company-Ingrid brings her hand to the center of her chest theatrically.
-Let's just say I have no choice-Mapi laughs and laughs louder when Ingrid throws her a crumpled napkin and purses her mouth in annoyance.
She told Ingrid that they are not friends. That was a while ago, but she doesn't think they are friends now either, because the thoughts and desires inside her are not those of one friend for another. However, with Ingrid she laughs, with Ingrid she goes out of the house and dresses nicely for the first time in a long time, with Ingrid she has talked, she has feelings for her. Things that are a little difficult to categorize.
-If I have to be honest, I just wanted to ask you out and I used this excuse-says Ingrid in a casual tone.
-And why did you want that?
-To get to know you a little better, and no, I'm not trying to flirt with you-she quickly denies and sounds quite honest to Mapi-it's just that... I don't know. I like going to your house, I like when you go to my parents' house, seeing you in the usual places. But I thought that having a few drinks in a quiet bar might be nice for you, especially considering the fact that you're not a fan of going out. And you... you still cause me so much intrigue.
Mapi raises an eyebrow. She had already told her the same thing before and apparently the curiosity was still there.
-I mean, I probably asked Caro about you again, and she said a lot of nice things, she did nothing but praise you and tell you how much everyone misses you.
-And what else did she say? -Mapi's voice comes out a little harsher than she intends.
-Nothing more than that. What I'm trying to say is that I don't search on the internet or anything like that either, I don't plan on doing that again. But I feel like we're closer now, correct me if that's not the case for you, and I wanted you to know that you can count on me, okay? I know you like being alone and I understand that, that you don't like meeting people, but if one day you need anything, you can call me.
Mapi sighs and finally nods.
-Okay-she murmurs-I'm not a big star or anything like that, but I appreciate that you don't say anything or pressure me about my life before, about... Mapi León.
-That's not what I heard.
-I was very good, that's all. There are better defenders now and there will be in the future -Mapi plays with the beer in her hands-and my name will be forgotten. And maybe it's better that way.
The silence that follows that kind of declaration gives Mapi time to think about Ingrid's offer. To be there for her. More than she has allowed anyone to offer her in a year and a half. Her parents, Patri , Aitana. They told her that too, but something about Ingrid and the sincere, calm energy she emanates at that moment, tells her that she would never pressure her.
She doesn't know her well but she knows.
Ingrid reaches for more beers but comes back with a content expression.
-Hey, could it be that all this is Gudrun's work? -Mapi asks in a suspicious tone, wanting to change the slightly sombre atmosphere that had settled between them-and that you are her instrument of manipulation.
-Oh yeah, you figured it out, it's Mom's big trick to make sure you never run away from us again.
-It might work, huh.
-Don't let her know, Maria, you have no idea what big plans she has!
-Did you tell her we were going out for a drink tonight?
-I would never say anything like that to her, can you imagine? -the Norwegian denies without losing her smile.
-What? Would she think that you and I…?
-She already thinks it without reason, so you deduce what she would believe if she knows it.
Mapi opens her eyes wide and lowers them to her lap, blushing slightly. Gudrun is extremely perceptive and surely she hasn't missed the glances she has directed at her daughter since day one. Glances that are sometimes not very subtle.
-A round of darts? -is Mapi's poor attempt to divert this inconvenient topic.
-Mmm, darts and beer girl? I think I'm starting to know you pretty well-Ingrid teases, standing up.
-Pff, that's what you think-Mapi snorts-I hide complexities that you would never be able to discover.
The studiously serious tone elicits a nasal laugh from Ingrid who throws her dart and misses miserably.
-You see what you can do to me-says the Norwegian.
Mapi swallows and avoids the words and the silly flirtation that is about to come out. It's the alcohol. That's all.
-What kind of woman attracts you?
The sudden question makes Mapi blink uncontrollably and frown, wondering where all this is coming from; it's almost impossible to keep up with the girl in front of her.
-And you want to know that because…
-Curiosity-Ingrid shrugs with studied indifference.
-I never said I liked women.
Ingrid smiles and throws another dart because Mapi just won't do it.
-Sorry for assuming so, can you please take this seriously and launch?
-If I hit the target, you answer that question-replies the Spanish woman, who waits for the nod, concentrates and throws the perfect dart.
Ingrid gasps in disbelief and crosses her arms.
-It's not fair. You always have to do everything right.
-You'd be a coward, Ingrid.
-Do you mind?
-Maybe.
Ingrid thinks for a moment and avoids looking at Mapi more than usual. She is not able to give a precise answer, not now, not without mentioning how stupid it is to have a defined pattern of women when she doesn't fit into it and yet, it makes her feel like she never felt before.
-It's not that hard to say that you don't have a specific type. At least I don't.
-I… I don’t know, tall women? -Ingrid wants to hit herself-which is not an exclusive requirement, of course.
-Of course-Mapi repeats, dragging out the word, and leaves the subject there before Ingrid lowers her self-esteem even more by saying that she hates tattoos and bodies worked out at the gym. Before she adds that someone like Jill is her type when it is very obvious that she is.
They decide not to order more beers because the ones they have are halfway lukewarm, a sign that drinking was not a priority, and to call it a night even though neither of them wants to.
-You can't drive like that-Ingrid declares, watching from the door as it rains relentlessly and the gusts of wind form swirls in the deserted street.
They were too absorbed in each other to even notice properly. And Ingrid doesn't want to let her go just yet.
-I'll be fine.
-It's a long way to your house, Maria. The road will be dangerously wet and it's nighttime- Ingrid doesn't allow the Spanish woman to argue those points-come on, my flat is just around the corner and you can come back for the car later.
-Invite me to your house on our first outing together? I'll admit you can move fast.
She didn't say the word "date" but it was left hanging there.
-I wish I could-Ingrid answers sarcastically and pushes Mapi by the shoulder while they decide to leave or wait a bit.
The Spanish woman can joke. How is it possible that the mere discovery of a joke, of her laughter and smiles, can cause such chaos inside her?
Mapi snorts nasally and is the first to step outside, automatically getting soaked by a rather warm rain and pulling Ingrid along.
-Come on, lead the way. I'll leave as soon as the storm passes.
Ingrid and she walk a few meters next to each other, very close. Mapi feels the heat of the brunette filtering through the side of her jacket, or maybe she's imagining it, and she shivers involuntarily, much more than the warm rain turning cool.
-Come in. I'll bring you some clothes to change into.
-No, Ingrid, it's already too much trouble for me to be here and...
-Not for me, I invited you, didn't I?
Ingrid disappears through one of the doors on the left and Mapi obviously looks around because it's like an unspoken rule to look around when you enter a new place. There aren't many things, almost as if Ingrid doesn't bother to decorate or spends so little time there that she doesn't care. That seems so unlikely for the brunette that it makes her frown.
-What? -Ingrid wants to know, returning with a pile of neatly folded clothes.
-Don't pay attention to me.
-Come on, tell me-Ingrid hands her the clothes and waits expectantly-you had an expression…
-I don't want to sound rude, but this place seems so... impersonal.
-I like it when you're honest.
-Well, better that than bothering you.
-It doesn't bother me, I moved here a few months ago and I really spend very little time there. I'm usually in Melhus and if I can sleep there, I do. It's not... this isn't my home, so... -she shrugs-the first time I walked into your house, I felt it, that you live there. Doesn't it seem crazy to figure out if someone actually lives in a place or is just passing through?
-And here you are passing by.
-I think so.
Mapi nods a few seconds later and asks permission to go to the bathroom and change. The clothes Ingrid gave her are too long and tight on her, obviously, and they smell like her. A sweet aroma.
-I'll leave your clothes in front of the stove and they'll dry in a little while. You can make yourself comfortable.
-Thank you-Mapi murmurs, sitting down on the nearest chair with a tense posture completely removed from the calmness she wants to show.
She's just a beautiful girl. A beautiful girl's house and her clothes. A beautiful girl she's wanted for months, who she likes a little bit more every day and from whom she can't seem to escape.
If she were still the Mapi who arrived in Norway a year and a half ago, she would be peacefully at home right now, under the covers and ready to sleep, completely oblivious to all this whirlwind that Ingrid Engen turned out to be .
A striking pair of green eyes, a gorgeous smile and she completely lost her mind. It shouldn't be this easy.
-Do you want something else to drink?
Ingrid looks at her strangely, no doubt noticing how lost she was in the world of her thoughts, but at the same time, her eyes are devoid of judgment, kind, oblivious to what is going through her mind.
-Eh...no-Mapi shakes her head-I have to drive later.
-Some tea, then?
-Yes, that would be good. Do you need help?
-Don't worry-Ingrid winks at him and walks into the kitchen.
And Mapi listens to the metallic sounds, the water heating up, the soft humming of the Norwegian woman preparing the tea, the rain pattering against the glass. And she closes the eyes, letting herself be enveloped, turning off her mind for a few seconds, leaving it blank.
-Hey, I'm sorry-Ingrid is so close that it could very well be considered an invasion of personal space but it isn't, with Ingrid it would never be-you seemed so peaceful there, but your tea is ready.
-I was just resting my mind. Thanks.
-You told me you meditate, right? -The black-haired hands her the cup and has one for herself in the other hand.
-Yes, it is... it does me good. Sometimes it's good to disconnect.
-Did he help you play football? -and seeing Mapi blink quickly, Ingrid retracts her statement-forget it, you don't have to say anything.
Mapi has a slightly melancholy half-smile and shakes her head.
-It didn't help me because I didn't even give any importance to all this, to disconnect my mind, to take a break. I did therapy a few times, especially recently with the injuries, and my therapist recommended yoga and meditation, and of course I laughed. I wasn't up for that nonsense, or that's what I thought.
Ingrid holds the cup, but she pays the least attention to the tea. All her attention is on Mapi, drinking in every word and gesture of her.
-Then, in the last period before I retired, I started meditating for at least a few minutes. At first it seemed strange to me and as the days went by, I felt like I was achieving… something. Obviously, the little peace I got from it didn't dissuade me from quitting football, nothing would have, but it allowed me to focus on other things. And here I simply like it, so I meditate regularly.
-I've never done it-confesses Ingrid-just like you, I make fun of those things.
-I'll show you one day, you'll see that you'll like it.
-Are you offering to teach me how to meditate?
-I can't teach you because I'm not an expert, but I can show you how I do it.
-Deal-Ingrid murmurs, wanting it more than she should.
Although Ingrid wants to continue asking a thousand questions, what Mapi willingly shares with her is more than she can ask for, so she keeps the number of questions to herself.
-You know, you never tell me anything about yourself-Mapi says in a slightly accusatory tone.
-No questions.
-You don't do it either, well, sometimes you do, and I tell you things too.
-That's true, you have a point there-Ingrid concedes, and thinks at the same time that perhaps she is as reserved as Mapi but disguises it with an exterior full of smiles.
-So…
-I don't know, my life is pretty boring actually. I don't have a great career behind me to brag about.
The Norwegian laughs as Mapi moves around looking for something to throw at her and finds nothing, leaving her with a fake sulky expression.
-If I told you about the number of awards I won and you saw just one of my videos blocking hundreds of goals and opponents, you wouldn't even think I was bragging, in fact...
Mapi bites the tip of her tongue and shakes her head as she sips her tea.
-What?
-Nothing, I was going to say that you were probably delighted with my performances-she answers blandly.
'Coward, coward'
Mapi was about to say it. That Ingrid would find her fascinating and would repeat one by one her videos looking at her as she has already looked at her before. Like that day at camp leaving the river. Of course words die before. It would be so unfair to alter the relationship she has with Ingrid by letting herself be carried away by lust.
-So am I allowed to watch some of your videos?
-Why not?
-I don't know-Ingrid admits-Wouldn't that make you uncomfortable?
There are many things that used to make Mapi uncomfortable, and that should continue to make her uncomfortable, like being there talking to someone-Ingrid in particular-in an unknown environment. And even dropping things about herself, telling, but she doesn't do it. She's not completely uncomfortable about it, in any case, it's about different things.
-No.
-Okay- Ingrid smiles and remembers the tea in her hand, cold and untouched, and leaves it on the table.
-So, you say you don't have a great career-the Spanish woman sings-but it doesn't seem that way to me.
-Yes, well, I mean, I'm not famous like María León but I do what I can!
-Making fun of me won't make me stop asking you about yourself.
-It's not a big story. I started college, a degree in finance, and I met Frido . We quickly became friends, we studied together, but we didn't have big plans for the future beyond graduating and maybe getting into some big company. And one day we saw the opportunity to invest in something small that was related to real estate and well, we took advantage of it. I have to confess that I wasn't convinced and I wasn't interested at all, but Frido insisted and here we are today.
-That's admirable. How old are you?
-It seems like a simple story to me-the black-haired girl laughs-I'm twenty-nine.
-Who can say that they have a consolidated company after only twenty-nine years?
-Well, I work every day to keep us growing-Ingrid shrugs her shoulders-but it's like any other venture. It could have gone well or badly, and it went incredibly well.
-And it's just you and Fridolina ?
-Yes. I'll introduce you to her properly one day. I know you've already met her but that didn't go well so we need to rectify that.
Mapi nods and thinks for a few moments.
-If I ask you something, will you be honest?
-I don't know what it could be, but yes.
-Why did you let me stay in the cabin? When Fridolina came to talk to me, she was very convinced that all that land was part of the project you have. And then you told me…
-Yes, it's just that... I don't know-Ingrid shifts uncomfortably-Mom asked me if there was something that could be done and I really thought it was wrong to take you out of there.
-It wasn't even mine.
-I know, but something in you told me that I shouldn't take you out of there, and I thought that if you were generous in agreeing to train Frida and Oscar, you deserved to stay.
-But you asked me after you offered me to stay.
-And I wasn't wrong, right? -Ingrid smiles-Mom adores you, and well, she adores everyone, but with you she has something special and I thought that if her judgment wasn't wrong it was because she should give you a great opportunity, and in the end we all won.
Mapi still doesn't understand it. Or at least, she understands certain things, but not the whole picture.
-Still, I still don't quite understand it. You gave me more than I could have asked for.
-It's not like that, Maria-Ingrid denies-I don't know you well, I knew you less then, but I know that I acted in the right way.
Mapi's gaze on her is so intense that Ingrid can almost swear it makes her squirm. But not in a bad way. It's a look that penetrates every pore of her body, that makes her continue to want so much of everything. Of the things she said she wasn't going to try to get.
And she's been holding back for a long time, and that particular night, she's been holding herself back from the moment she saw the Spanish girl come in with her fucking special aura, with her jokes and soft flirting, from the moment she saw her come out of the bathroom wearing her own clothes. Tight clothes that hug every muscle and make her think of the most indecent things. And worst of all, what ends up burying the little sanity she still has, is that beyond all the sexual desire, there's something else. Much more. Something that pulls her towards Mapi and doesn't allow her to be sensible or cold.
Ingrid jumps to her feet and points to Mapi's cup.
-Can I?
And his movements are so hurried on her way to the kitchen that she trips over the leg of a chair and almost lets out an exclamation.
She washes the cups, splashes some water, shakes her head from side to side to dispel the crazy ideas of going out and finally, finally! doing what she has wanted to do since day one. Or day two. Or maybe thereabouts, if she takes into account that Mapi didn't attract her at all at first.
Lie. She was attracted to her from the moment he met her, there's no point in denying it anymore.
-Ingrid.
Mapi is so close and she didn't even notice.
-Yes? -she clears the throat.
-I'm sorry if it bothered you that I asked you. It's just that I have doubts about why you let me stay-and Mapi thought it was pity, because she had talked to Caro and the Norwegian had told her things.
-It doesn't bother me, Maria.
-Ok.
Mapi is still so close. Ingrid feels the warmth she emanates, the smell of her perfume; she can see the freckles and spots on her face, the marked jaw, that line that divides the tip of her nose. And it is such a beautiful face, to cradle again and again.
-Are you Ok?
Oh, and it's embarrassing if Mapi has noticed the lines of your thoughts, where your mind is going.
-I am…usually-she stammers-but then you…
-What about me?
-Nothing, nothing, sorry-Ingrid takes a kitchen towel and dries the cups to keep her hands busy and avoid saying too much-I think it's stopped raining.
It was true. Mapi looks out the balcony window and it's not raining anymore.
-Do you want me to go now? -she asks a little unsure.
That's what she was going to do, wait for the storm to pass and run home to hide. And now, she doesn't understand why Ingrid is practically telling her she can leave.
-Yes, well, you said you would leave if it stopped raining-Ingrid whispers without looking at her.
Mapi nods, grabs her already dry clothes and goes into the bathroom. She never knows what to expect from Ingrid. Jesus Christ! It's like being in a constant back and forth, one second she's looking at her and drooling over her and the next, she tells her she can go now.
She just made her blush under her watchful scrutiny and now she doesn't want to see her anymore.
She leaves with more confidence and looks for the Norwegian to say goodbye. And she remains in the kitchen, staring at the floor.
-It was good to go out-says Mapi more out of obligation to say something and say goodbye-I had a good time.
-Yeah. Me too-but Ingrid still doesn't look at her.
Mapi makes a gesture to go to the door, moves her feet, turns them back and approaches Ingrid.
-Are you going to tell me what's going on? We were just talking and then you...
Ingrid snorts and shakes her head again and again.
-You make everything so difficult-the Norwegian murmurs.
-Me? -Mapi is surprised, pointing at herself with her own hands-I apologize again if...
-It's not that-Ingrid says, taking a step forward while Mapi took a step back with a rather determined attitude-Don't you realize? How difficult, how fucking difficult it is not to try to seduce you. Every day that passes is torture, because you are so sexy and I want you so much, and I don't know if you are aware of it or not. Or if the idea disgusts you.
Mapi forms a perfect O with her mouth, completely perplexed and surprised. She had already noticed, she is a bit stupid but she noticed it, but for Ingrid to tell her so openly out of the blue?
-I...yes, I...-she wrings his hands trying to find something to say-you just said that you like tall women.
-Which implies that you are a great exception to the rule.
-Look, Ingrid...
-There's no need for a rejection, I think I just... needed to say it-Ingrid sighs and quickly explains before Mapi's doubtful expression becomes more pronounced-and look, I wanted to make it clear to you that I like you but that's not the reason why I let you keep your cabin. I mean, not to take advantage of you in that way and make you feel indebted, and so you... -Ingrid leaves the sentence unfinished because she starts to feel more embarrassed as she continues speaking.
-I would never have related both things-Mapi is still a little in shock, blinking furiouslyI would never think that about you.
-Not you, but maybe someone else did, and I needed to make that clear. Someone like Jill who tortured her relentlessly with it.
-Okay, Ingrid…
The Norwegian walks away from the Spaniard biting her lower lip with a tense smile.
-Don't worry, I'll keep up the good work of trying not to seduce you.
-But…
Mapi waves her hands impatiently, debating what to do. Whether to follow her desire or the rational part of her that whispers to leave her; whether to tell her that she wants her too and that she wants her back, or to run away like she should have already done.
And of course she chooses the easy way out.
-I'll pretend you never said anything, okay?
-Will you do that?
-It doesn't have to be awkward, okay?
She sees it, the disappointment and disillusionment, the posture that barely changes. But Ingrid nods anyway with a very tight half smile and lowers her eyes to her lap.
-Very kind.
That's probably the last thing Ingrid wants to say, but Mapi shakes the head. Maybe she'll regret it all soon because she's so consumed with longing and it's been pointless to try to classify everything, to give it a name.
-Drive carefully-says Ingrid goodbye.
-I will. Thank you-and before closing the door behind her, Mapi asks with more hope than anything else-will we see each other soon?
-Sure-says a clearly embarrassed Ingrid.
But Mapi doesn't cross the distance and kiss her the way she wants, but runs away in an attempt to continue escaping.