Skidding on the curves of your heart

Zaragoza, 2022

"-What's happening?

Pilar has become very inquisitive lately. Mapi hates not being able to hide anything from her mother.

-Everything is okay, mami-she takes an apple and takes a bite, swallowing the bitterness and disappointment.

-Don't lie to me, Maria. Is that girl?

-Her name is Sara. And I'm not like this because of her.

-I saw the purple marks on your arms. I can't allow this, Maria.

-It wasn't her; I fell during training.

If she were to admit the truth to her mother, she would also have to tell her what a shitty person she is to push Sara to the limit. It was never, ever, a good idea to get into a relationship without being sure she wanted to be in it. One of the worst decisions she made, and she is at a crossroads. To continue or not to continue. To hurt another person more or to think calmly and leave him.

-If you think I'm that stupid, you don't know me! You never introduced us to that woman, you hide her, isn't she your girlfriend? And now this. We're not going to accept it; we can't allow her to mistreat you.

-It's okay, really, mami- Mapi repeats again in a calm tone without trying to bring the storm to her parents' house- we're going to celebrate dad's birthday, okay?

Pilar has tears in her eyes and Mapi can't do anything. She was never so close to her parents and that distance grew as the years went by. She can't tell her parents what's happening, she can't console her mother.

The situation with Sara is only getting worse and the discussions have turned into a type of physical abuse that Mapi never expected but that she thinks she deserves for disappointing so much someone she was supposed to love”

Mapi shifts her weight from one foot to the other as she listens to the quick footsteps on the other side of the door. She grips the bottle of wine tighter for fear of dropping it and puts an attempt at a smile on her face when Gudrun pulls the handle and exclaims excitedly as always.

-You came, Maria!

-Gudrun, don't sound so surprised, please.

-It's a joy to see you-murmurs the older woman-come in, come in.

Mapi hands her the bottle of red wine, Gudrun says she needn't have bothered, and the two walk out to the patio where Ørjan is grilling meat and vegetables, and Ingrid is taking a phone call a little further away.

If Mapi said she hoped to see her, she would be lying. And if she also said she didn't like seeing her, it would be an even bigger lie.

They hadn’t seen each other since she last looked for the children in the cabin. Well, Mapi saw her crossing the village a few days after that with that woman, Jill. And Frida said that she missed her because she was in Oslo.

So, it's been almost two weeks and well, it was getting weird not seeing her.

The strange thing is that they have interacted very little in front of Gudrun and she knows that she doesn't miss anything. Does Gudrun realize, thinks Mapi, how much she is attracted to her daughter? Mapi can act sensibly and avoid looking at her, but she can't ignore the black-haired all night. Much less when she looks beautiful, dressed simply and with her hair up in a high bun. Those damn eyes.

-Hello, Maria.

-Hello, Ingrid.

Oh, but they do seem like two children speaking in monosyllables and being too restless.

Mapi approaches Ørjan to talk about her preference for the doneness of the meat, but she listens to Gudrun anyway.

-You don't stop working even at night? -Gudrun puts her arms on her hips.

-I was leaving some instructions for tomorrow, mamma-Ingrid rolls her eyes and puts her phone in her pocket-we had a little problem and Frido is in Oslo.

-That girl Jill, you spend a lot of time with her, and she calls you a lot.

-She's the architect-Ingrid walks away to pour herself a drink, turning her back on her mother and, incidentally, on Mapi-it's obvious that I have to spend time with her. Get those thoughts out of your head.

-I have no idea, Ingrid, it was just an observation.

Ingrid hums some sort of response that doesn't reach Gudrun because the older woman's eyes are narrowed suspiciously.

-Didn't you go with her to the Beer Festival? That was just a few days ago.

Ingrid hates having to explain so much, but she whispers again.

-We were a group of friends, mamma, and no, I have nothing with Jill, don't mention it again, please-She pours four drinks and takes a moment to breathe before turning around. And Mapi is looking straight at her, and it's too late when the amber eyes want to look away.

She offers one of the glasses to Mapi and can't help but laugh at her father's comical expression.

-All she thinks about is finding you a partner-he shakes his head when Gudrun has left-I think she even dreams about it.

Ingrid smiles and agrees with a not-so-subtle grimace.

-You see, Maria, you can be glad that you're not the only one under Mom's matchmaking attempts-Ingrid winks at her and rests her hip comfortably on the armchair in which Mapi sat.

-I think it could be beneficial for me if your mom focuses on your stuff-Mapi mocks.

-Oh, believe me, she can do everything at the same time.

Mapi laughs, a soft and calm laugh, which forces Ingrid to take a big sip of wine. Rarely, if ever, has a laugh provoked something like this in her, the desire to always hear it, to want it to be directed at her. Just like a smile, what would it feel like to have Mapi smile at her, for anything, to laugh for her? Something difficult to achieve.

She finishes the rest of her wine in a hastier mood than usual. These kinds of strange thoughts are not like her, so she kicks them away.

She listens to her father and the Spanish woman's conversation. And she looks at her from above, she has a good view. She observes the gestures she makes with her hand, how she moves her head paying full attention to what she is being told, the subtle nod to each word she receives; and she observes more, the hands that work so hard and are a bit rough; the arms covered in strange tattoos of which she would like to know the story-if there is one-, the sharp jaw, the nose with that strange slit at the end, and the eyes. The eyes are the only thing that Ingrid cannot see at that moment and, nevertheless, she has them in her mind. Sharp, inquisitive, curious, sometimes sad eyes. She never believed that someone's gaze would say so much, but Mapi's speaks even when she hides it, and she is so good at it. And around those eyes, and around the mouth too, those discreet lines that tell a story. Lines that reflect that she is not the contained person she shows.

She has known her for a few months and now she knows more. She knows that she is not a bored woman, tired of life, looking for a new life, as she imagined; she knows that behind the little (much) that she told her the night of the camp there is more history; she knows that something made her lose her smile and her desire to be in the company of people, because as Gudrun said, something makes a person move away from what she knows to go and bury herself in the middle of the forest.

But what is it about and why do you want to know?

-There is a fair this weekend, Maria, are you going to attend? -he asks Ørjan bringing Ingrid out of her thoughts.

-Oh, mmm I don't know?

-Oh, Gudrun thinks so, and if she says yes, she'll probably break your door down-the man laughs as he turns the meat over.

-Well, I don't know what it's about.

-Food, drinks, flower and plant stalls, some second-hand clothes, the usual at an event like this-answers Ingrid.

-Will you go? -Mapi wants to know, undecided whether her answer depends on Ingrid's answer. Unsure of whether she will say yes if Ingrid says yes, that's the question.

-Sure, I promised Oscar and Frida the biggest chocolate ice cream we could get.

-And obviously they will never forget that promise-says Mapi.

Ørjan laughs and shakes his head.

-You know them well-he says-I bet they gave you a lot of work this summer.

-They kept me in shape-is all the Spaniard answers.

Ingrid snorts and helps Gudrun prepare some salads. Mapi does the same and Gudrun, very discreetly, leaves them alone in the kitchen for a while.

Ingrid laughs to herself. As if she needed that when they've already spent so much time alone and Mapi still doesn't give any indication of anything at all, almost a complete indifference.

They sit down to dinner and this is when it all comes. Mapi knows. The usual questions about her parents, the life she led in Spain and all that. But none of that happens, instead they enjoy a quiet evening, talking about trivial things and the upcoming fair which is like giving a little life to the town.

-Maria, do you think we can meet for a cup of tea? I promise they will make the best ones and come in so many different flavors.

Gudrun obviously doesn't miss the mocking glance between her husband and daughter as she looks at them accusingly.

-They're jealous because they don't understand our ritual-she snorts.

-Mamma, aren't you even going to give her a chance to refuse?

-You can refuse, Maria, but I would be disappointed.

-And now you blackmail her-says Ørjan.

-Well, I was planning on going anyway-Mapi lies, having just decided-so having some tea would be nice.

After all, she was the one who thought it would do her good to get out of the house more and meet more people (God only knows how she's going to do that) and the fair seems like a good opportunity.

She looks at Ingrid, who is looking back at her. That seems to be so common between them.

They eat dessert and tell jokes and anecdotes, mostly the Engens. And Ingrid's laughter stays with her. Mapi feels good, like being with family, discovering only good things about them and she feels slightly uncomfortable because of how much she likes to spend time like this, because it won't last forever. Good things never last. And because she likes to be alone.

-Well…-Gudrun speaks in a high, shrill tone, stretching and directing a very eloquent look at her husband-we are going to retire early, girls.

-Mamma.

-We're tired, aren't we? We went hiking in the afternoon.

-Oh, eh, yes, yes, we walked so much-nods a doubtful Ørjan-we are exhausted.

Ingrid frowns and crosses her arms.

Mapi bites her lower lip a little and says goodbye to them between kisses and hugs and is met with an apology from the black-haired before even having the chance to say anything.

-Mom is terrible when she wants to pretend, I'm sorry-she buries her face in her hands laughing non-stop-now she's probably watching us from some window hoping that her machinations will work.

Mapi has a reply on the tip of her tongue. Something like 'maybe with another bottle of wine' or 'who says it doesn't work' but she chickens out at the last minute. It's not like her to act on impulse and expect there to be no consequences. And she doesn't even dare to imagine what kind of consequences there would be if she answers Ingrid like that. Rejection? An apology from her? A kiss? Lots of kisses?

-You know, I didn't imagine Gudrun as a matchmaker, did she do it with your siblings too? -that's all the bland question that comes out of his lips.

-No, they could do it on their own.

-And you don't?

- Are you making fun of me? Wow, who would have thought!

-I'm not joking, I'm asking seriously.

-Do you know that when you raise the corners of your lips your eyes wrinkle a little and I can tell you're making fun of me?

-So, you were looking at my lips.

Ingrid is almost petrified by this. With Mapi it's like going from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds without knowing what she's trying to do, whether she's teasing you with a subtle flirtation, or if she's teasing you because she's not interested in flirting at all.

-So-the Spanish woman continues without giving her time to reply as if she were downplaying what she had just said-why are you so determined to find a partner for you?

-Because she thinks it's time for me to settle down and have kids and all that. And I... I'll take my time and do it my way.

-Yeah, sure-Mapi murmurs-and does she think that you and I could…?

-Yes, but actually, she always pairs me up with anyone she can think of, it's like her hobby. Don't give it any importance.

Mapi does this without being clear about why. She bows her head, determined not to be affected by anything Ingrid says or does.

-Maybe I should stay away from you in the future and avoid Gudrun's schemes, what do you say?

-What I'm saying is that we're already keeping our distance, Maria.

-Is that a complaint, Ingrid? -Mapi whispers and oh, they are flirting, and to hell with trying to stay calm and avoid the Norwegian.

-Never. That's the reality-Ingrid shrugs her shoulders, dismissing the importance.

-Because you stopped coming to my cabin.

-Because it's your cabin and your place.

-Where you can go whenever you want.

-Not because I bought it and…

-Not for that reason, Ingrid, you can go because I would like you to.

-Why?

-I don't know-Mapi answers sincerely-but you're not a stranger and... a while ago you said that we're not friends, and maybe not, but you make me feel good, without pressure, and it's nice to talk to you. I guess that's a good thing, right?

For her own good, Mapi omits to say everything else.

Ingrid smiles slowly and continues with her arms crossed but with a completely different expression.

-Very good-answers the black-haired girl.

They both finish the rest of the wine in their glasses, Mapi barely drank any, and they remain silent for a few minutes.

Maybe Gudrun is plotting too much, but Ingrid mentally thanks her mother that night, although she will never let her know so that it doesn't go to her head.

♣♣♣♣♣♣♣

Never before had so many people together made her anxious. Not even when he played entire matches under the scrutiny of thousands of people in the stadium and thousands more from their homes. But that was before.

Now she sees a small crowd gathered around a flower stand and she runs in the opposite direction.

There is a large second-hand book stand, and she stands there for a long time, looking around and wondering whether to buy and take them to the car or buy later or carry the books around for the whole fair. It's not like she plans to spend much time wandering around.

In the distance she sees Ingrid walking with the children and Gudrun with a few flowers. And her heart is restless. Mapi doesn't want to admit that she misses them, that she misses Ingrid coming by the house almost every day, that Oscar and Frida made her laugh. That now she follows the daily routine, but it seems a little dull compared to seeing them every day and seeing the black-haired girl.

And what really has her worried is the silly flirtation she started with Ingrid and the other woman continued without flinching. But it was a flirtatious line, and the rest was real and Ingrid made her feel that way too, like she cared about not seeing her anymore. That kept her from sleeping much that night and she couldn't blame the wine. Now it turns out she's not sure what to think because all that attraction has only escalated, and if Ingrid feels it too, there's going to come a time when ignoring her won't be an option anymore.

When the children see her, they first run up to her and run around telling her everything they have done so far and the things they still have to see. Mapi lets them chatter away, pays attention to them and exclaims in admiration at the right moments.

Gudrun gives her a kiss on the cheek, and it almost seems like Ingrid is about to do the same and then backs out at the last moment. And Mapi curses herself for wanting that.

-How is Ada? -she asks, when Ingrid has left to take the children to Ørjan; and she doesn't want to know just out of politeness, she's genuinely interested.

Gudrun says that she is getting better but that they must continue to wait for treatment and that everyone remains optimistic. Mapi nods and gives her an understanding smile.

They head off to try a few different types of tea, and although Mapi isn't very adventurous about it, she orders a cinnamon tea which looks nice while Gudrun orders a fennel one.

-It tastes good-says the older woman.

-Well, this one isn't bad either-Mapi concedes-although leave me with a simple black tea for the rest of my life.

Of course, Ingrid shows up with a half-finished coffee and wrinkles her nose when she sees them.

-I don't understand how they can like that.

-You have to try something to know if you like it-Gudrun replies-and that applies to many things in life.

-Well, great wise woman, I don't need to try it, from here I know that it tastes horrible.

-Your mom is right-Mapi hands her glass of tea-this is cinnamon, and I bet you're going to say that you like it.

-Don't bet against me if you don't want to lose, Maria-Ingrid narrows her eyes, purses her mouth and takes a small sip-mmm.

-Mmm what? -Gudrun asked, looking from one to the other with a hint of a smile and some thoughts that she kept just for herself.

-It's not that bad-Ingrid continues wrinkling her nose in that adorable way-I can't say it's the best tea I've ever had either. I give it 6 points.

-Oh, I didn't know we were scoring-Mapi crosses her arms-you're addicted to coffee, that's why your judgment seems a little clouded.

-Tea is also addictive, so that's not the point.

-We are not addicts-exclaims Gudrun shaking her head-it is a ritual.

-Yeah, whatever you say.

Mapi smiles and they continue walking after Ingrid returns her glass, their fingers touch, and a blush covers both of their cheeks.

-You know…

-Yes? -Ingrid slows down her pace to walk together.

-Nothing, don't pay attention to me.

-Come on, tell me.

- Why do you drink so much coffee?

-I think I told you before, I love it. But it also helps me at work. I usually drink one in the morning and one in the afternoon, rarely at night, but if I'm working it's like I need to drink liters just to stay focused and not fall into despair, and well, usually I'm working, either here when I'm supervising the construction sites. Or in Trondheim. Or in Oslo.

-And you use it as a means to relax?

-Yes- answers Ingrid- why?

-That's what I used to do too- Mapi confesses-I drank an excessive amount of coffee, but it wasn't good for me, in the end I realized it and I stopped.

-Before or after your injuries?

-Before and after.

Ingrid looks completely surprised and waits to see if Mapi will add anything else.

-Well, now I meditate to relax, which doesn't mean you have to do it-murmurs Mapi-and listening to classical music helped me a lot. Silly, huh, but it's true!

-Classical music? Like…

-I don't know, Vivaldi? -Mapi's expression is embarrassing, and Ingrid finds it endearing and licks her lips because of how much she would like to take her face and let her know that he doesn't have to look embarrassed.

-I'm not familiar.

-I wasn't either, in fact, I used to make fun of that kind of music-the Spaniard continues-but it turns out that it's good after all. A little bit every day. And besides that, I do crossword puzzles.

-Crosswords in Norwegian?

-Believe it or not, I get them in Spanish. If you try, you will remember me.

-And why exactly did you share this with me?

-I don't know, it's not that I want to change your habits or tell you that too much coffee is bad for you, I would never do that-Mapi finally shrugs-it was just something I wanted to share... coincidentally.

-Well, thank you-Ingrid stammers, thinking about too many things, about how Mapi has told her so much about herself and why?

-Seriously, I'm not trying to get you to give up coffee-Mapi clarifies-God, I sound like a grumpy old woman.

-You don't look like it, and besides, it's going to be very difficult for me to do it-admits Ingrid.

-Alright.

They continue walking together for a while longer, side by side, until Ingrid can't stand it any longer and asks the question she wants to ask.

-The other night you said I was welcome in your house.

-Yeah.

-Does that mean that if one day I want to stop by just because, I can do it?

-Yes-Mapi says, looking at her sideways.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

-Wow, so much eloquence gives me goosebumps.

Mapi snorts and the smile that was about to form on her face and words vanishes as she directs her eyes to a person who approaches them anxiously looking at her with something not very good.

-Hey, Ingrid.

-Jill? -Ingrid is surprised and furrows her eyebrows a little confused, and they greet each other with a kiss.

-I saw you from afar and wanted to say hello. I know you invited me, and I said no, but I finally came.

-I just mentioned that I would come but…

Jill greets Mapi, cutting off whatever Ingrid is going to answer, and puts a hand on the Ingrid´s shoulder, pointing to a candy stand she would like to try.

Marking the territory. Mapi recognizes the signs, that woman is on guard against her and is making it clear to her. She should not approach Ingrid.

She would laugh in her face if it didn't make her feel strange to see the closeness she shares with Ingrid, how much they seem to have in common, to remember Gudrun's words.

That's how it should be.

Mapi takes a step back ready to say goodbye.

-Maria, are you coming? -says Ingrid gently removing Jill's hand from her shoulder. She hates being touched without asking or wanting it.

-No, I think that's enough for me today.

-Oh really?

Mapi doesn't want to be confused and thinks that Ingrid's eyes are disappointed, so she doesn't look at them so as not to make foolish assumptions.

-Yes, anyway, I already bought what I wanted and saw everything. Can you say goodbye to Gudrun and the children?

-Of course-Ingrid promises-it was nice to see you.

The Spanish woman nods her head in the affirmative and turns around, walking through the crowd to get out of sight more quickly.

-She's a little strange, isn't she?

-In what sense? -Ingrid instantly becomes defensive.

-Strange. Her appearance is very ordinary, nothing that draws attention, and she doesn't seem to leave the house much.

-That doesn't make her strange.

-I'm never wrong about that. And there's something mysterious about it.

-I don't know-Ingrid doesn't want to reveal herself to Jill-I like her.

-Because of the children, I imagine. You're very good, but if you don't watch out, she'll be after you trying to hit on you.

-Enough, Jill. I don't like the way this conversation is going.

-It's true, I saw the way she looks at you-says Jill smugly-I know because that's how I look at you too.

Ingrid is uncomfortable with this and distances herself from Jill, hating the fact that it hasn't been clear to the woman, even after a long conversation, that she's not interested in anything at all, not even fucking or anything like that.

And she hates even more the fact that she wanted to invite Mapi to sit with her later and listen to the little concert that was going to take place, maybe get something to eat, and now she just suddenly left.

She quickly changes the face expression to one of joy when she meets her family.