Cries of deserted birds.

Last night at Hogwarts.

Sirius, 30th June 1975

The room was a mess. A pure, thrilling mess.

He never really cared for such. Frankly, he favoured it when things were like this. Not in order and wildly displayed. It looked exactly like it should look after a year of the dorm being inhabited by four wizard boys with no intention to keep it as clean as it should be. It was real and it was them.

Moonys books spread all over the room, cups and mugs in the weirdest places, fag ends in the window sills, clothes absolutely everywhere, flasks of both muggle drinks and wizard drinks, James and Sirius quidditch equipment laying on the floor, Pete's drawings in everyone's bed but his own, and of course the bands own little collection of vinyl records.

It was them in this room. Even when they weren't present in the room, a single glance in the space and anyone could tell that the room belonged to them. God, it made him glad to think of it like that.

When they returned it would still be theirs, and they would have the year to fill it with new memories.

“Oi, Padfoot” James slapped him weakly on the back of his head with the palm of his hand.

James' hair was as messy as always, but it fitted him and his entire being. The rich and dark brown colour of his hair looked ideal with his bronzed skin and deep brown eyes. He was non-arguably one of the most good-looking in their year. His physique contributed a bit as he stood quite tall and had an athletic build as well. With his charming smile, he was used to having girls fawning over him. He was fit and he knew it.

Sirius reacted “What you do that for you prat!” he turned his gaze towards his friend.

“wasn't sure if you were here, mate, lost in thoughts? ” James responded without turning around. Sirius could tell he was mixing some liquors, could even smell it, but couldn't see what from the chair he sat in.

“Wos just thinking” he answered, looking at peter who tried to find a clean shirt in the mess of clothes that were laying on the floor. “Home, tomorrow you know” he added, hoping James would pick up what he meant, and let him not say it out loud.

He did pick up. James turned swiftly around while holding a bottle of Blishen’s Fire Whisky, giving Sirius an understanding smile. “We will be back to Hogwarts in a blink, time moves fast in summer, yeah.” His dark brown eyes smiled alongside his mouth which made Sirius tell it truly was genuine, not only because it was in the boy's nature to care, but because James genuinely cared for him.

“Yeah Pads, and we´ll send 'em letters, they'll let you keep the owl this summer right?” Peter joined the chat, finally wearing a shirt, a flattering navy blue shirt.

“One would think so, innit” he responded sarcastically but appreciating his friends' sentiment. “Where is moony?” feeling his mates absence in the room.

“Helping Mary choose an outfit,” James said with a cheeky wink.

Sirius chuckled and got the image, “Bloody ladies man, ain't he, our moony.”

Peter shot him a confused look, which evolved into a knowing look.

What the fuck.

“You think Lily will like my new specks?” James asked while holding a tray with drinks. He was wearing glasses with golden trim which complemented his tan skin.

“Evans´ll go wild, just you see” Sirius gloated, he jumped up in a rapid move. “Perhaps she'll even bark at the sight”

“Tonights the night” His mouth curved into a smile. “But it will be mornin´ before you're ready young´ Judy so get ready, you really don't wanna miss this” he advised with his voice, he had a slight scouse accent which made him sound like his dad.

The raven-haired boy looked at the clock on the wall and realised that the majority of the Gryffindors are downstairs.

“Just go down without me, I enjoy my dramatic entrees alone anyway.” making a theatrical hand gesture at his mates.

“Of course, you diva” James grinned while Pete opened the door, giving Sirius a wink while James had his back to them. Him still holding the tray of drinks, walked through the wooden entrance.

He stepped toward the mirror to get the final touch-ups before the last Gryffindor party of the year. He ruffles his hair up a bit trying to get the volume all the cool muggle rockstars have. Sirius was wearing all black. It's starting to become his signature colour and the girls idolise it. He searched the wooden drawer to his right, his black liner, which he got as a gift from Mary a month ago. It's nearly dried out but it'll have to do. After putting it on he rubs it out to get that ´didn't even try´ effect, he so desperately is after.

He put a golden hoop in the one ear he persuaded James to pierce after a quidditch victory. His long black hair that reached his shoulders looked like a mess but in a cool way.

He looked like fucking Marc Bolan.

Wicked.

Feeling so desired, so very wanted. Here he was wanted.

If learning that imperfection was wrong why did this feel so fucking right? None could explain, and he didn't need it either because this was freedom and oh how he loved this independence.

Independence to be Sirius, not only a black. Just him.

Sirius stares at himself in the mirror. His pale blue eyes mirrored him, were they always this sharp? Starring back at him as if he was dirty. Like he was filth. He could recognise these eyes because he'd seen them before, it was his mother's. He´d heard it before, they were nearly identical, and his face was hers. No matter how hard he'd hide it, or change it, it was hers.

His lip twitched slightly. Imagine if she really could see him. Through her actual eyes and not his, In his lace shirt, and with make-up on his face. Sirius could feel his eyes starting to wet, like a warning. And he whispered so low, he could scarcely hear. “Get it together.” his voice, like an echo haunting the room, rather than a human voice.

He smiled at the thought despite feeling so bittersweet.

Sirius raked his fingers through his thick raven-coloured hair. He couldn't get his finger through properly because of the tangles in his hair, but all things considered, he could not care less.

Because it was time to get shit-faced.

*

“Oi, lookin like the queen ´as arrived”

Marlene bowed to him while he walked down the stairs. She looked great. In her brown mid-high boots, orange velour pants sitting tight to her tall legs, and paired with a loose white shirt on top. Her blonde dyed hair suited her so perfectly that one could believe she was a natural blonde. She was not wearing other makeup than some dark liner along with some eyeshadow.

“Jus´ coming when you feelin like it?” she looked him up and down, in a teasing manner.

“Beauty takes time innit, Mary would now, right love?” he turned to face the loveliest girl, in the most feral dress. She had a white boa around her neck and a pair of exciting earrings. Her long dark curls dangling down, she turned around to him. Her black round eyes expanded when meeting his own and a corner of her pink lips turned up.

“Sirius!” She greeted him with a gigantic hug. Her rosy cheeks hinted at her already being tipsy. “You wore the sheer top! Bloody hell don't you look divine” she winked at him.

“Like a siren!” she squinted her eyes trying to look seductive.

Marlene laughed fairly at the sight of her friend. Mary looked high in her *seductive manner*. Maybe she was? Hm, he´d ought to ask her later where she got the greens from.

“Siren? Nah our mans lookin like a slag. Look, you can even see his nipples” Marlene told her friend, pointing at his very much see-through shirt.

Sirius gasped and held two hands covering his small nips in a scenic move, which earned him a giggle from the shorter girl.

“Didn't take you for a conservative Marls, not that anyone could with ur shirt being see-through, nice bra beaut” he taunted devilishly.

“At least I'm ´ere lookin like a good slag, classy and all” she declared leaning on Mary. “You know, the kind you want to shag” whispering the last statement.

“In what world are there good slags and bad slags, we´re all just slags in a world full of conservatives and right-wings innit.” He declared.

Muggle studies are becoming real useful.

Marlene rolled her eyes while biting down a small smile. She never liked to laugh at his jokes, claiming his ego was already too high to reach, even when she wore heels.

“Goddamn 'm in need of intelligent company–” Mary and Sirus, both drew their hands towards their chest in a dramatic move to indicate feeling insulted in a joking manner, when they realised how on time they were, the pair threw up in a pit of laughter.

“My point exactly” she kissed mary on the head, stuck two fingers up at him and walked away towards a group of Ravenclaw girls. What a rebel, Marlene Mckinnon.

His eyes scanned the room, trying to catch who was in attendance. Mostly Gryffindors, many Hufflepuffs and a couple of Ravenclaws. James was standing with Lily and Remus in the middle of the room leaning on a table full of spirits, trust James to somehow knock the table down and ruin all chances with the redhead.

“Isn't she gorgeous?” Mary glanced at Lily while handing Sirius a green drink, Sirius eyed the drink curiously “ ´S only green ale with gin” she spoke before he even got the chance to ask.

“Evans?” he asked observing the ginger. He did suppose she had her charm, swot and all. Her flaming red hair contrasted with her fair skin, and the freckles displayed across her nose might be magnetic to most. She was wearing a pair of black plaid pants, with a lime green blouse and an emerald jacket over. Lily did look rather pretty in green.

“Lils yes, she's beautiful” she moaned. “Does Potter fancy her or somethink?” she asked him, looking up at him with her big black eyes.

He siped a bit of the drink, god it was strong, how the hell does moony down this liquor like it's nothing? Not like he could have much practice, they´d only start drinking this year, as far as he was aware.

“I suppose Prongs fancies her, yeah, but it's not like his “fixations” last long anyway. Probably likes the challenge yeah?” He answered her without really thinking, fixing his gaze at Moony taking a shot of Firewhiskey, unfazed. God, how he hated the fucker.

“That's rather arrogant of him” her tone changing slightly. Almost protectively.

Sirius realises just what he's said and how his choice of words might have put James in a bad light. “Oh no, not like that. Just Evans aven´t paid attention to our lad, obviously, he likes her.”

Can´t say the same about her feelings towards him, she couldn't have been less obvious about it. She really hated him.

“If anything, does your Lily even like the male species?” he asks cheekily, wiggling his eyebrows at mary.

She scoffs and hits him in the arm softly. “She doesn't like show-offs,” she says as if it's the most apparent thing in the world. “I mean, she likes confidence but there's a fine line you know,” she tells him, fiddling with her gold ring.

“What's with all the questions anyway, you fancy Prongs– “ he half-joked until he saw a small smirk on her face.

“Oh shit you fancy Prongs!” he whispered loudly, she giggled at his reaction. She raised one finger, to her slightly parted lips. Making him realise the volume of his whispering, he mouthed a sorry to her.

“God why Mary” he groaned. “you could have anyone, why the arrogant tosser?” he practically whined.

“Oi, ain't this “arrogant tosser” your supposed best mate?”

Sirius took another large slurp of the drink, he needed to get drunk fast. Mary fancies James, god that's unexpected.

“Yeah ´s why I'm saying, don't need more reasons for him to remain like that the smug lad” he cheekily spoke.

“Because you are so very modest, Black?” she almost laughed at the sentiment.

“Can't be modest when you look like this.” pointing at himself, showing off.

“S why Remus my favourite, he is cleverer than the three of ye combined but twice as humble” she taunted.

He shoved her in a friendly manner.

“Why James then?” he asked.

“Hm?” Mary was clearly distracted, her eyes in the direction of the three Gryffindors.

“Why do you fancy Prongs? If you like Moony so. Why James and not him, moonys brilliant, you like moony right?” he attempted to not make it noticeable that he cared for her answer.

The dumb question had earned him a look from her. “Remus lovely, he genuinely is, I do adore him" she paused. “But well he's hard to notice when he stands next to he— well him,” she eyed him unsurely. “I love being the reason behind his smile, as cliche as it sounds”

“You figured you liked him because you made him laugh?” Sirius requested.

“Sorta, you know well how rare he will laugh at stupid jokes. but when he does and it's your stupid jokes, and not anyone else?” the brown-skinned girl began, “It's nice innit” she was blushing.

James Potter, not laughing at stupid jokes? It's impossible to not see him laugh, let alone at stupid jokes. Now he was really gone, or maybe the alcohol was finally starting to hit. “James always laughs at dumb jokes, are we talking about the same potter eh?”

Mary rolled her eyes and gave a faint sigh,

He noticed that this was upsetting to her, all this talk. She wasn't one to fall in love, and least of all with someone who fancied her friend. Not weird she was upset.

“Let's not talk love anyway, we're still young and desirable, let's toast to that” he declared, lifting his cup in a motion to indicate that he wanted her to meet him in the middle.

She raised her glass and bumped it into his cup, “Cheers, I'm done with attachment anyway.” she snorted, drifting back to the non-mopey Mary, he so adored. As Egoisical as it sounded, he could not deal with the miserable tonight.

“Being in a relationship with Rez for the last months backed that theory” she added, her pink lips turning into a smile.

Rez, also known as Ramzez, also known as Marlene's older brother. Don't know why anyone would want a nickname with a name like that.

Rez and Mary had gone out for 5 months, they had ended on good terms and luckily things were alright between them which was fucking great because Rez was fucking great.

He was effortlessly cool and he knew a lot of music things, he could play the electric guitar, and he looked wicked while doing so. Rez was a fan of Hendrix. Of course. He was two years above them. He was here somewhere, surrounded by a group of girls probably. As stunning as he was.

He shared Marlene's naturally black hair as well as her dark eyes, but while he had tan olive skin, Marlene's was lighter but held the same olive shade.

“Glad you stayed friends, would be awkward with Marlene if not yeah?”

“Things are never awkward with Marls, and you´d also be livid, let's not pretend you don't idolise Rez” she teased.

“What!?” he looked around, ”I dunno what you're on bout silly girl” he exclaimed, hoping he wasn't around to hear, god imagine how embarrassing if he had heard her.

She laughed, “You soooo love him, when I was dating him it was like I was in a three-way relationship with the pair of ya”.

She was clearly messing with him and was also pissed. But he loathed it, the way she thought of him. As if he ever could or ever would. He wasn't like that anyway.

He tried to play it off, giving her a flirty wink. “Now that you mention it, I actu–

As they heard a loud bang, both of them turned their heads to the sounds direction only to see a wet James, his white shirt was drained and he sat on the table with tons of empty glasses around him. “Potter, you fucking idiot” he heard Evans shout at him, she was drenched as well.

Mary took Sirius´ hand and dragged them both through the maze of teens circling their friends.

Remus stood beside them with his face in his palm but Sirius could tell that he is laughing, he could see a small bit of his mouth underneath his palm.

He was hovering above everyone else in the room. When did he get this tall? He had light brown hair, it had been very short at the start of their year, but it had grown quite nicely, and his natural little curls were now showing. Remus had some scars on his face and even though it had excited Sirius when he had met him, now it felt tragic knowing how they had ended up on his face. They made him look tougher because he was. Tougher than all of Gryffindor combined. The tall boy was a good part tanner than Sirius, though he supposed that wasn't challenging as pale as he was.

“PADFOOT!” James exclaimed reaching out to his friend, Sirius held out a hand to help him up, and the curly-haired boy hung his arm around his shoulder. “Your saviour´s here prongs” patting his head.

“What you do now Potter?” Mary asked nonchalantly, helping Lilly take off the wet jacket.

James chuckled, “Why'd you assume it was me, what about the tall wanker laughing right ´ere?” he pointed at moony.

“Oi, don´ya go mixin' me up in your terrible attem´ts at flirting” moony recalled looking at the dark-haired boy.

“Yeah prongsie, you're forgetting how good our moon is” Sirius tattled, batting his long lashes at the tall bloke.

Remus turned his gaze to him, flashing him a glare, the sort that looked like a threat. Sirius just gave him a scandalous look. He groaned.

“Tell them, Remus, tell them what the prat did” Lily scowled in ´the prat´s direction

“Yeah Moony, you're the storyteller,” James said trying to ignore the death glare he was currently receiving from the redhead, smiling innocently.

“´Ight ´he was just telling us ´bout how he could serve everyone in the room, with a single charm—- ” he began.

“Of course, I didn't believe it. Only the house elves know that type of magic” Lily interrupted.

“So he of course as the fool prongs is–” he continued with a humorous tone.

“I was so close, the drinks were floating above and all, just waiting on my permission to fly their way to everyone. also not a fool, ´m bloody brilliant” James boasted, he tried to put an end to boasting around Lily because according to well everyone girls hate bragging. “but I, uh I, just forgo´ the word for it” he tried to explain himself but, by now Sirius couldn't help but howl with laughter.

“Eh and well the booze fe–” Remus tried again after being interrupted once again.

“They soaked me, mary see, my blouse, fucking ruined, it cost me a tenner” Lily snapped grimacing at James.

“I said I'd buy you a new one love”

“Why don´ya throw more money at me hm? To the less fortunate love,” she spoke mockingly but her sour mood turned around slightly seeing an opportunity. A slight smirk appeared at the corner of her lips, god she was vicious.

“Oi potter watch urself, Lils´s no damsel in distress” Mary chimed in.

“Nah of course, Evans is greater than me and Padfoot combined, s´not what I meant though, I just–”

“Of course, you compare me to the both of ya, bloody purebloods am I right Maryan?” she poked mary with her elbow beaming at her best friend.

“Bloody right you are Lillian, look at ´em thinkin´ they're better than us normal people” she answered her friend, dramatically rolling her eyes. “Remus agrees, don´ya dear?” she looked at the lanky boy.

“Yeah, ´s the normal lads' turn to fuck shit up” he approved, nodding his head at his friend. “So pretentious of ya pu–”

“Nothing pretentious bout wanting to woo one girl I fancy” he interrupted Moony once again to justify his actions.

Lily put a hand on her hip. “One girl? So now there's more?”

How in the hell did James fall for this?

“You men truly are dogs” mary agreed, shaking her head disappointingly.

Sirius giggled at her comment.

“Yeah treatin´ us like rubbish, shame on you Potter!”

Evans did have her moments he supposed.

James desperately tried to defend himself.

“For fucks sake” Remus gave up and throws his arms in a frustrated move. “This is why I hate drunk people” he muttered to himself, probably assuming no one heard him.

“Says the drunkard himself” he teased, James had let go of him at this point, and was now in what he thought was a very heated fight with the ginger girl and her not as ginger friend.

“You'd ´ave to meet Lyall before ya call me the drunkard.” he chuckled turning his attention to Sirius.

“Would love to meet the grand Lyall Lupin, I've got many questions for the man who raised ya” he grinned at his friend

“Raised, right” he mumbled “Well it is not going to happen, mate, you'd frighten what's left of a father right outta him” he joked half-heartedly.

“Always the dramatic arent ya, you have to know I'm great with parents, they love me” Sirius spoke assertively, emphasising the word great.

“They do, don't they, think of you as gods gift?”

“Think larger moony, they think of me as god herself”

“Her?” he asked curiously

“Yeah I mean if there is a god she´d have to be a lady, no man could create something like earth,” he claimed, “Don´ya think?”

“She might be— if you believe in god that is. When did you get intelligent Sirius?” he responded with a small smirk on the corner of his lips.

“Always been, since birth innit, got born smarter than half the population,” he boasted “´m more than a pretty face” he added jokingly.

“Oh don't I know it darling” he admitted sweetly, flashing him a toothy grin.

God, it was hot in here, his face was heating up like a fire in here for fucks sake.

*

He doesn't know how they ended up there, but here they are sitting in the red lounge, with Remus on his left and Peter on his right. After the dramatics that had happened, Lily had borrowed a top just as gorgeous from Marlene and they all found peace. The girls often did that, wearing each other's clothes.

The marauders + the girls were sitting the chatting with one another, most of them were absolutely plastered like Marlene, she had Mary in her lap and Mary had a huge disco ball in hers. Peter was somehow still alive after 6 glasses of straight ethanol, conversing with an intimidating Ravenclaw named Emmeline. James like lily had changed to another shirt, he was talking to Longbottom in year 6.

Sirius himself was pretty pissed, but not enough to not tell that Remus was smoking..

“Moooony” he moaned,

“Hmm?”

“Are you smoking?”

“Yeah, s´just a fag”

“Are you s'posed to smoke ´ere?” he asked enticingly.

“Dunno, why? are you tellin'?”

“Not if you gimme one”

Remus sighed but gave in and opened up a package with a couple of fags in it. He had lent them to Sirius all year and if he had taken money for cigs, Moony would have been a rich man.

But he didn't just pass him the fag in hand like a normal being, no. Remus Lupin put the smoke in between his lips, snapped the fingers with his free hand and boom the fag was lit. He took a deep drag before placing the cigarette between Sirius´ own lips.

He didn't know why it felt so strange, watching. Just watching Remus do normal things, was this a normal thing?

“When the fuck did you learn that? And why haven't you learned me that you judas?” he protested after taking a puff of the cig in hand.

“Calm ur arse, I learned it just a week ago” he replied as calm as ever, he leaned back on the sofa showing off his sharp jaw. “It isn't perfected anyway, last night I almost burned James´ duvet”

“Ahh, that's what that smell was,” he mumbled to himself. “Where did you learn it? One of your silly books?” he taunted him, he did that a lot. Teased Remus for his interest in reading, but really, he admired it. However, he would never admit it out loud.

“So you do know what a book is?” Remus chuckled, earning himself a smack on the back of his head. “But yeah, a book it was”

“Hm, maybe I should read more, could stand as cool as you eh?”

Remus smirked “You could never”

Sirius tried to listen to the music. Some fucker had really put on some song by the American Bob Dylan as if he ever wrote any party songs. “Who´s in charge of music you reckon?”

Remus consumed a new liquor now, not the same one he just had in his hand a moment ago. God, when did he become such an alcoholic?

“Probably some high tosser in year 7, gotta be zoned out of this earth to put on Dylan anyway”

“Exactly! You get it moony” he exclaimed out loud earning a couple of stares from the people around them when they saw it was just Sirius they shrugged and turned back to theirs. People were used to him here.

“ S´ just music innit” he gave his friend a confused look.

“Not just music, you just— you know, GET it” he persisted, speaking without thinking like he so often did.

“You know so much moons, and i— I don't understand how you do, but you do” he didn't really get what his own point was but as long as moony listened he could speak all senseless words.

Remus was staring at him, his eyes were tired. Droopy kind of. People often said so, that he was always tired. Never any fun. Boring. But they didn't know him, not really. Moony didn't have to be loud or all over, he didn't have to be the most athletic or alluring. He had a natural pull, that made people see him, hear him, and want to be around him, He felt special, being around moony, being able to see sides of him that many missed, Remus had a fight in him that many didnt know of.

“Sirius”

“Me”

“Did´ye smoke some of Marlene's?” he asked, he had a hint of curiosity in his voice but worry in his face, looking like the handsome bastard he was.” yer acting strange”

“Nah, just ordinary ole me. Does Marlene have? Merlin, I really need some” he looked at Marlene, Lily was taking some muggle photographs of her, Mary and the huge disco ball.

“Think she nicked some from Rez” he turned back around to face his sandy-haired friend, Remus was bobbing his head in rhythm with the music. He took another vast sip of some beverage, but seeing as he was starting to loosen up some of the liquor ran first down his sharp jaw and then down his chin.

“How much´ve you had?” He turned quickly back to face the girls while he talked to Remus. Maybe if he looked at them instead he didn't have to be like that. Think like that. Sirius wouldn't have to be a predator on his friend's back.

“Why? wanna make it a contest Black?” he mumbled dodging the question, unquestionably the fags had made the alcohol work faster for moony.

“Moons, you know I'm a champ, don't even bother” he preached not so humbly rotating rapidly back to his mate, not being able to fight the stare he could feel on his neck from a pair of brown eyes. Wanting to meet the stare.

“Someone´s cocky?” He downed his drink as a form of intimidation. Sirius´ eyes narrowed at his friend, and he delivered a small smirk. Drunk Remus was something else, but so was Drunk Sirius.

He quite literally jumped onto Remus' lap like he had seen Mary do before, and he picked a flask of muggle Gin and downed as much as he could as fast he could. It had happened so quickly and he tried not to wince or flinch. Sirius could see in his side eye that his friend's eyes widened and his jaw dropped. It was terribly hard to surprise Moony nowadays.

When he was done, and he put down the bottle he realised not only was he drenched in Gin but so was Remus. He turned to his friend giving a mischievous grin, feeling like he had won their little competition. Sirius stood up giving a bow, while Remus clapped small.

“You absolute maniac Sirius, you fucking win, alright” he chuckled, after he said his words he offered Sirius a small grin. He knew that grin, he possessed that grin. Fuck.

“But was the whole makin a mess in me lap necessary?” he spoke as gripping as he could. The people close enough to listen howled with laughter. The way he spoke the words so nonchalantly. The double meaning of the words was gritty and his speciality. Sirius found it witty and he liked it when Remus was this cheeky. He could be so clever.

He had laughed till he heard a voice mutter somewhere, “Fucking poofter, Black is don´ya think?” he heard a deep voice mumble, he looked around, but he couldn't find a face, the face of the speaker.

“Bloody queer, reckon he likes it—” another voice, this voice was mocking him, it was laughing at him.

He saw faces, familiar and not, and in front of him sat Remus. Had he heard it? Had he thought the same? That he appeared like a homosexual. Mary had sat in Marlenes' lap, no one cared. Mary wasn't queer, no one thought of her like that. He didn't even mean it in a queer way, no he was joking around with his mate like they always did. Sirius liked girls, he bloody loved them. He wasn't like that. Like whatever they had called him. No. He was drunk and scared. But not a, not a—

He felt a hand on his shoulder, he winced and realised that Remus stood right there now with his hand, on his shoulder. “Oi, you o´rright? You´re lookin overly pale, regret sacrificing your dignity for the win?” he said half joking, half worried. He always was two things, Remus was. It was odd like he wasn't able to feel one emotion to the full. Sirius had noticed through the years, but he had never said anything because he didnt feel like it was worth it. He knew they would just argue and never talk about it again.

Sirius didn't react, he just stared at Remus´ hand that was still placed on his shoulder. While Remus spoke words he couldn't hear or understand, he felt light-headed, felt frightened and his clothes sat too tight on him. They clang to his skin in a way they hadn't minutes earlier. His clothes were revealing, he felt exposed and felt all eyes on him, Sirius didnt want them on him. Not like this. They had too much control over him like this. Sort of like they owned him, like whatever they did he would crumble beneath them. They could tear him apart like that, only with their stares, their eyes, god it was infuriating. Could they all fucking stop. He felt tense and compressed like there was no room, but at the same time, he felt like there was too much room. For fucks sake, and he had just made fun of moony. Remus.

He slapped Remus´ hand away in a rude gesture. He didnt want it there. No one should touch his filthy shoulder. His hand shouldn't be there. No one should be here. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He didn´t know where to look, who or what to be. He caught a glimpse of Remus´ face in his faint moment of panic, it was concern, all concern, fully concern. Why the fuck was he concerned. Had he seen it all, heard it all, felt it all? Witnessed his hysteria, all the emotions. God, he couldn't do this now, this was a problem for tomorrow. Tomorrow was so far away anyway. And luckily on his left side, a couple of meters away stood a tall table, and he lunged towards it, even in his drunkenness, he managed to climb it, but not gracefully like the black heir he supposedly was. Fuck the title anyway.

He searched his body for his wand and he heard mutters and saw fingers pointed at him. Their eyes were still on him.

With the easiest charm of all, he managed to lift the table with himself on it. He was very unsteady, but he could hear music, and he could see people. Sirius could see them grinning, admiring and scowling. He didn't know what song was on, and he didnt care what the song was, cause he knew many songs from the heart.

“Ooh, you make me live”

So he stood there now as erratic as possible belting out the lyrics of “You´re my best friend” absolutely plastered in front of half the school. He sounded terrible like this, he knew so, Sirius drowned out the music that was initially playing even. But he didnt care because the people were now looking at him because of something else.

“You're my sunshine and I want you to know
That my feelings are true”

Remus had forgotten. The cruel gits had forgotten, although there was nothing to forget since there was nothing to remember in the first place, they had thought wrong.

He was in control now, they weren't tearing him apart. He could hear their voices again. He heard their words and sentences. He heard someone shouting his name. He heard his friends, ordering him to get down.

“SIRUS YOU DICKHEAD!” Remus nearly yelled, only Remus didn't yell, he didnt know how to.

“You'll fuckin´ die you twat get down!” another voice that sounded like Marlene shouted drunkenly.

His thick jet black hair was waving around him and he felt so free moving around and singing, it was honestly liberating in a weird, senseless way. The entire room's attention was on him, for simply being him, or a more dramatic crazy him. Was it him?

“I'm happy at home, happy at home”

The thoughts were overflowing in his head but whos weren't, at a night like this? No one was completely sane. He was just a bit worse with liquor in his system, and anger, and fear, and every fucking thing that was wrong with him.

He knew he was going to regret this, but the thought of regret seemed so small in the moment and so very unimportant compared to it all.

“You know I'll never be lonely
You're my only one”

He was singing out the lyrics to everyone like a bloody entertainer. Or was he slurring out the words he wasn't quite sure, to be honest, was it even words he was singing? A flawed entertainer yeah but still. At least the students were amused. He was certain that if he had seen a drunken idiot howl like he was he would have found it laughable. Some were even singing with him, he thought. Or was it his own voice? God the state he was in.

Sirius felt an extreme wave of dizziness and he could feel himself losing his balance. The earlier thoughts were still inside of him, but they were sort of floating now. They weren't drilling inside of him now. Sirius wasn't sure what he preferred.

He reached his hands out trying to grab something but of course there wasn't anything to grip since well, he was on a floating table in the middle of the air. He tripped over his own feet and fell backwards. Even though he should have been afraid for his safety he was only hoping he didnt look like a complete git. Fine his parents' influence was still buried deep.

Although he had his priorities wrong, Sirius did hope some higher power would let him land on a sofa. Like a character in a film.

He felt himself landing on something hard but soft. Impossible much.

The black-haired lad did indeed not land on a sofa, far from it.

Unless sofas had heartbeats when you were properly drunk.

A loud groan was heard from the “sofa” below him.

He opened his eyes quickly. The couch he had landed on was a Potter. Newest model and all. His bloody luck.

What other fool would try to catch him after that bloody performance of his?

*

He was sitting in the stairwells with James. Sirius had made quite the mess, and Frank Longbottom had come to the conclusion, that this was a marauder's job. Remus and Peter had gone to bed after they had finished, they were alright with it and understood. He was so very fortunate to have them.

Sirius felt rotten still, his stomach was roaring and his head was likewise. He decided that he wanted to sit on the staircase till he felt a tad better.

Sirius had wanted to get as pissed as possible, he had wanted to party like he was twenty and not like he was fifteen, because fifteen-year-olds had to go back to cruel parents. He wasn't sure what to expect this time, the summers were different every year. Hopefully, she had given him up. As good as it would be, he wasn't sure if he was ready for that. If she had given up, it meant he wasn't hers anymore. He wouldn't be their heir or son. And what if that hurt more than the physical and mental torment he experienced as theirs?

James sat with him. No one was around them except James, he was there. He was also a bit drunk but not like Sirius. But he was here.

Sirius leaned on the shoulder of his friend. “God I wish I was there for that performance of yours” James chuckled. “Don't do it again tho, that stuff could have had you landed at st. mungos” he warned him

“Wha´ bout your stunt with Evans?” he mumbled, reminding himself that he wasn't the only one embarrassing himself tonight.

“It doesn't compare at all. Padfoot, ur show will be all on people's minds this summer” he took off his glasses cleaning them on his shirt.

Sirius groaned.

“In a good way of course you fucking legend.” he put back his glasses, leaning his head back on Sirius.

“Bet the girls liked it too eh?” he tried “Not every day you get a full-on concert by ´the one and only Sirius Black”

“I looked like an erratic prat, in an alluring way, I think, but still” even in his dark despair, he couldn't let go of his arrogant ways. Sirius blamed his upbringing.

“Of course, you did you handsome git” he patted him on the head supportively.

They stayed like this for a minute, the quietness must have reminded James of something.

“You think you'll handle this summer” his tone changing more seriously. He didnt want to think of it, even though he knew he had to.

“Course, I always manage” he articulated dryly.

“I ´don't understand why they keep lettin´ you go back there. You're clearly miserable” he complained frustrated at the lack of help. “Mum and dad say ur always welcome to us but it's just them dumb wizard laws” he continued on his rant.

Sirius squinted his eyes at James. He had never told him exactly what was happening behind the closed curtains in his childhood home. He hadn't told anyone. Not a soul. The only ones who knew were the Blacks. But James knew it was bad, and he had understood after seeing the scars. His scars were nothing like Moony's, no. His were white, whiter than his skin, and they were pristine, they looked like they belonged on him like it was there as a reminder. As if he was born to have imperfections laying on his skin, they proved that he was not perfect. Of course, they had to stay unseeable because well The noble house of Black did not do flaws, not to the public anyway. They weren't like that on Remus, his were harsh and coloured in red and purple. His scars bought reactions when seeing them, they were out in the open in contrast to Sirius´ and were well, unnatural on him. They bought tales and rumours. While his own bought guilt and bitter thoughts. No one had noticed, not until James asked. He did that a lot, ask. Sirius remembered it so fondly, how he had questioned why they existed on him. Sirius didn´t answer him directly, but he had implied that they did things differently in his home. He had never told the marauders what they did, or what they said, not word for word at least. But he had every now and then joked about it, because he wanted them to know, but he didnt want to tell. The laughingstock of most of his depressive jokes had been his family, of course, home sweet home.

“Not like dumbledore has been any help, though the old man was all-powerful” he complained even further.

“Prongs, I'm okay, it's okay, I'm not a child,” he expressed, tired of James' moaning.

This earned him a glare from James, he knew he wouldn't get if the boy had been clearheaded.

“It's not okay Sirus, and you are not either” the curlyhead insisted at him. Sirius glanced at him, he hoped he didn't look as pathetic as he felt

“ ´m sorry Padfoot, I'm not angry at you, just enraged that the adults who are s'posed to help, don't do shit” James muttered, looking down on the marble floor some steps down below them.

He turned to the raven-haired boy “don't want you back after the summer like that, ´s just that” he revealed.

Maybe it was because he was plastered, or maybe it was the melancholy of it all but James´ words had made him think. What if he didn't want him? In any way. What could Prongs possibly earn from being his friend? He was a troubled kid with issues, coming back depressed after every holiday while every other student glowed.

James was bright and happy and he was full of love, but Sirius didn't know how to love. He knew of nothing he could give his friend that he didnt already have. He was nothing. James was staring at him. And Sirius needed him to want him back, he needed selfishly to have James' love. When he first got it in his first year he felt ecstasy, he had gotten brotherly love unconditionally, not because it was expected but because he loved him. What if he had lost it due to his past, due to his presence and in the worst case scenario to his future?

Sirius leaned in towards James, he could feel his eyes starting to wet so he closed them. He kissed James in a clumsy manner, must have looked terrible. He kissed him hard, it wasn't a beautiful delicate kiss. Almost painful was the best way to describe it. It was no love in this, maybe it was selfish. A selfish kiss that begged James to not leave.

It was a desperate one, a hopeless one, one so very full of emotion. So despairing and teary. “No Sirius, not like this”, he mumbled with Sirius still on his lips. James pulled away staring at him in confusion before he realised there were tears involved, Sirius´ tears. So rare, but heavy. They were flowing down, and even though he tried to suppress them, this was all too much.

His look changes to compassion. He held Sirius in his arms. Embraced him like a loved one. “ ´m sorry, I'm sorry ” he cried out

“´m sorry” he repeated the words like he was trying to convince himself, that he wasn't, no he wasn't. “ 'm not—- like that”

“Sirius—- shhh it's alright” he whispered continuously. He stroked his head while Sirius broke into his arms. He felt so small there, in his arms. His breathing hitched and it felt as if words were foreign to him, but he needed to admit it. “I'm … terrified actually” he sobbed into his arm which was now wet from the tears streaming down.

“I know love” he offered, patting his head while holding him. “But you´re safe Sirius” he mumbled. “You're safe ´ere” he continued.

Sirius was hyperventilating, compelling more tears out of his eyes.

He pulled out of his best mate's embrace. It was awkward enough with the bawling, but he didnt want to speak and cry into James' shoulder like a toddler.

“They want things … James, things I cannot give em, because I'm not “ he paused “Like that, I'm not like them”

He took a deep breath, trying to get some control over himself, over all the emotions that were floating in the room.

“I understand—”

“No you fucking don't James, they are so ashamed of me. Sometimes all I want is to change, be normal, be like them– the others”

“Well you shouldn't change, you should never change, least at all for them”

“Easy for you to say, Potter. My family want me to be someone and here you all want me to be another. You can just be a fucking cabbage head, and nobody gives a fuck” he blurted it out. Even though he had wounded James, the boy did not look hurt or offended by his words.

“Sorry, thats– that was unfair of me” he regretted his choice of words tho he had sort of meant it.

“No Sirius, your right. I might not get it, but there's nothing wrong with you, They´re the sick pricks, for wanting you to be like them”

“What if I am? A sick prick.”

“Sirius”

“No I mean it, everyone wants things from me. And I give them, what they want” “I like seeing them glad.”

“Well that's normal innit, how does that make you a sick prick?” he once again quoted trying to understand Sirius´ point.

“Because I give everyone except her. The one person I should want to please. I disappoint, just by existing and I exist so hard James. So hard” and it pains me to be me when what I wish for is to be him. He wanted to cry his last thoughts out, but that would be too much even after kissing, breaking, and ranting to him. As much as he loved James, he would least of all understand that.

“But she wants to see you miserable!” he argued

“And ill be miserable without her, without them I'm alone. What´s the point, why fight so hard. Ill always end up alone anyway”

“You´re not alone Sirius” he promised the words wholeheartedly. Sirius melted right there, he felt secure like this. ”You will never be alone again, no matter what or who you've been” he was safe for now. With James by him. In his embrace. They stayed like that for a little. Till James spoke again.

“Because you're my brother Sirius” he confided in him. “You know that right?”

Sirius pulled his head out of James' embrace wanting to see his friend in the face. He was still sobbing like a little kid, inaudible noises escaping his mouth. But it didnt look like he minded, if anything he looked relieved that he was being honest and real.

“You're my brother, even tho Walburga isn't my mother. I love you like a brother, and I will love you like one till we die” he promised looking him in eye.

“If Walburga had been ur mum she´d disowned you for the hair alone” he chuckled

“´s if she ever could” he winked. “I'm too tan for ur pale arse family anyway”

“Fuck off” he chuckled, “Tho more than half of my dear ole relatives look like they're ready to meet death with their pasty faces” he admitted truthfully.

“Guess it's the french” James spoke ghastly.

“Don't forget the inbreeding” the other boy added, with a smirk.

“How could I, you remind us daily”

Sirius smiled, he genuinely smiled. “I like that, us … brothers” he mumbled.

“We've always been, just puttin a name to it yeah” James' face brightened seeing Sirius´ smile again. They couldn't have looked more different, but they were closer than any pair of brothers in all of Hogwarts that night.

Sirius dried his tears with the sleeve of his jacket. “We´ll be reunited again, brothers in September eh?”

“Exactly!” James chimed, Sirius chuckled at his excitement, even though he knew he felt just like that inside. “We´ll create a plan, promise, won't abandon you there”

He smiled in adore, “Sure James sure, you're— a great mate” I don't deserve you, can't even find it in me to call you my brother after you've offered me ur all.

“I thought I was a cabbage head” giving a lopsided grin, which made him look truly like it.

Sirius began chortling heartily, remembering his terrible try at insulting his best mate. Cabbage head for fucks sake.

There were no more jokes, no more talking. They had fallen into silence, but the silence one lingers for. After a little.

Not the one you feared because of the consequences that followed, but the one you missed later on because things had felt so soothing and pleasant when the silence was quite like this.

He had loathed silence for all his life because silence had meant bad. It had been like that in his home and his head. But he hadn't felt it like this before. This was the peace that nights always should bring. Because well he could see himself falling into the long sleep death like this. The peaceful death. If he ever died, it would be like this. As a Gryffindor, most would expect him to say he would die a heroic death. Sirius wanted a heroic life, full of glory. But there had to be something heroic in this. To have the inner calm to die without fear. You must have been something great to be able to have that. He could be great.

Of course, James had to be right beside him that day. He wouldn't want it any other way. They'd be right beside each other like now, but a lot older of course. And together then too. Because even though Sirius didnt deserve James, James did need Sirius, like he needed James. It was just the way their fates had been sealed. Though he might have lost something at the mere age of eleven he had also found.

Sirus had himself a brother, again.