Remus Lupin had scars for as long as he could possibly remember. The was large, marks wrapping around his arms. There was thick, puckered skin on his legs. Some of the skin was a darker color than his usual skin tone, but some were thin and pale. He had countless scars that all came in different shapes and shades and sizes.
Remus Lupin hated his scars.
When he was younger he never quite cared. He never had a reason to be insecure.
He was a little boy. He might not have been carefree, but he was still just a little boy.
He was thin and smaller compared to other boys his age, but his mother always told him he had the most beautiful smile and the prettiest mousy-brown hair. He liked to read rather than play sports, but his mother said it was cute.
He was a short, nerdy child and he would remain that way throughout his life.
Up until he was eight he didn’t pay his scars any attention. They were there and they were a quirk of his just like his height or his sickly, pale skin. He never had a need to hide them because he was always around his mother or his father. Nobody else came to visit.
Remus sometimes even loved his scars when he was little. He loved how cool they made him look. They almost made him look brave. He loved it when his mother would tuck him into bed and press kisses onto the dark, jagged lines on his skin.
When Remus got older something clicked in his brain. Maybe his father called the wolf a monster one too many times. Remus couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment he started to feel strange about his scars, but he knew it was after he turned eight.
Lyall Lupin was his father. He was short just like Remus was, but he had blonde hair rather than brown, and his skin wasn’t tainted with the scars that plagued his son’s skin.
Lyall Lupin often told Lupin that the wolf was a monster. He was right.
Remus, however, wasn’t quite sure where the line was drawn. He began to wonder if he was the wolf. Perhaps this monster was overpowering his soul and mind and he was becoming something evil just like the wolf that bit him. Perhaps Remus Lupin was the monster.
When Remus Lupin turned eight he began to wear sweaters. Even when the sun was blazing and the air was so hot it felt heavy; Remus Lupin wore sweaters.
He liked the way they hid his scars. They hid the marks of the wolf and for that he loved them. He didn't want to see his scars ever again.
Lyall and Hope said nothing about their son’s persistence to wear large, knitted sweaters in the summer. Remus wondered if it was because they thought his scars were a hideous reminder too.
Remus Lupin slowly turned eleven. The years passed and Remus Lupin stayed in his knitted sweaters that hid his ugly scars. Sometimes Remus Lupin could look in the mirror and pretend he was normal. Sometimes he could pretend he was not a monster.
When Remus turned eleven, a man came to his door. A tall, bearded man with a goofy smile and boots with a large heels. He told the Lupin family he was here to see if Remus wanted to go to Hogwarts.
Hope said no. She said she would miss him too much. She said she loved Remus and couldn’t bear to see him go. He was her baby and she needed him like water.
Lyall said no. He said it was unsafe for other students. His son couldn’t be trusted around other students because an accident occurred. He also said that it wasn’t safe for Remus, but Remus didn’t focus on that part as much.
The bearded stranger almost begged Lyall and Hope to allow Remus to go to Hogwarts. Such a studious, young boy.
Remus sat quietly in the living room as all of the adults debated his fate. Nobody asked him what he wanted to do. He played with the hem of his sweater thankful that it hid his scars from this stranger.
Even if the Hogwarts headmaster knew of his condition, he would never know how rabid Remus turned under the full moon. He would never know that as the moon lit up the sky, Remus howled and tore his own flesh off his bone out of pure rage. He never had to know.
Lyall gave in. Hope cried. Dumbledore rejoiced and gave Remus a handshake. Remus refused to speak, but he was excited to go to school.
The summer was spent preparing and planning. Hope cried when Remus and Lyall came home with Remus’s new robes. Remus told her it was okay and she stormed away from him.
Lyall told Remus not to make any friends. He told his son to keep his head down. He told him not to stand out. If people figured out his secret, it could be fatal to Remus. Lyall looked like he wanted to say more, but he never did.
When Remus stepped foot on the trolley to Hogwarts for the first time, he felt as if he had already broken his father’s rules.
Remus tried to obey. He went to a room all by himself. He didn’t sit with anyone. Instead, he read through a book to entertain him. Three boys ran into the room though and Remus was unable to read.
Sirius Black was tall and loud. He looked smug, but not cocky. He had shoulder-length black hair and a bright white smile. Remus Lupin was intrigued.
James Potter, unlike the previously mentioned boy, was cocky and just as loud as Sirius. He spoke with his hands and popped his hip out a lot which sometimes made Remus laugh. James Potter was quite dramatic and Remus Lupin was intrigued.
Peter Pettigrew was shorter and though he was quiet, he managed to be quite snappy. He had a short temper but he forgot why he was angry a lot. Remus Lupin was intrigued.
The three boys spent the whole trolley ride together. They shot stories at each other about their overbearing mothers or what they did that summer. Remus stayed quiet, but every now and then he let a witty comment slip out that left the boys howling with laughter.
Remus Lupin went to Hogwarts. It was a large school. He had to stand next to all of the first-years and watch as strangers got placed into houses. Sirius Black went up to a hat and that hat said he was in Gryffindor. It was a big deal. Remus Lupin was put in the exact same house, and he hurried next to the only boy he was familiar with. Remus and Sirius whispered to each other while the other first years got sorted. After some time, James Potter and Peter Pettigrew joined the party at the Gryffindor table.
So, Remus experienced his first year of school. A lot happened.
Remus lied to his new friends about being a werewolf. They bought it.
Remus lied to his parents about having friends. They bought it.
He told his friends his mother was on her deathbed essentially and he had to visit her often. It was a cruel lie but necessary. He told Lyall and Hope that nobody even wants to be friends with him. Hope offered some pity but Remus knew it wasn’t real.
The four boys got a couple of detentions. They snuck into the forbidden forest; stayed up after hours; snuck around the halls. Once Remus got in trouble for sneaking into the library and stealing a book from the Forbidden section. James told him it was the nerdiest way to rebel.
In his first year of Hogwarts, Remus Lupin noticed the other kids his age. He felt creepy sometimes because of the way he analyzed them, but he couldn’t help it. He found himself trying to teach himself slang and phrases that he heard the other boys say. He’d try to match habits he saw in other people.
There was one day when he tried to style his hair as most boys did. He failed and Sirius laughed at him and said he was perfect the way he was.
Remus was also aware of the fact that none of these boys had scars littering their bodies. It was the one thing he could not copy.
Peter and James had scars, but it wasn’t like Remus Lupin’s scars. James had a scar here or there from rough-housing with his cousins or falling off a broomstick. Peter was clumsy through and through and it cost him a few blemishes on his skin.
Sirius’s skin was perfect there wasn’t a scar or a blemish in sight. He was Sirius Black and he was perfect.
Remus Lupin was covered with scars, but his new friends were not aware of this. He wears his Gryffindor sweater nearly every single day.
Once, the boys begged Remus to jump into the lake with him. It was near the end of the school year and the weather was heating up again. It was a hot day and everyone was sweating. Sirius had the genius idea of jumping into the lake. Remus insisted on staying dry and sunbathing in his sweater and slacks. And Remus did exactly that. He watched as James, Sirius, and Peter made a splash in the water. He wanted to join them, but he didn’t.
Then Remus went back home to his overbearing mother and emotionally distant father. Lyall made him swear he had no friends and Remus reassured his dad all summer long.
When school started up again Remus went to the same exact compartment he went to last time. He pulled the hems of his sweater down a little bit over his hands, knowing the scars he had since last time had grown in quantity. Remus pulled out his book and he read.
Then three boys came tumbling in screaming Remus’ name.
Sirius Black was taller than before and he had the same confident smile. His eyes looked a little darker, but Remus knew he shouldn’t poke.
James Potter was intent on ‘finding himself’ and had streaks of red and gold in his hair. He looked as cocky as he did before and he was still dramatic. He rolled his eyes a lot more.
Peter Pettigrew grew a little taller and a little braver, which Remus admired. He was still polite and huffy, which Remus was glad to find. It would be a shame if any of his friends were to change because in his eyes they were perfect.
So, Remus Lupin experienced his second year of Hogwarts. A lot happened.
Remus stared at boys just like he did last year. It was a little different. Last year Remus didn’t blush. Remus started blushing this year.
Remus got in trouble a lot with his friends. They learned wonderful spells and potions. Remus was proud to be the brains of the operation because it meant he didn’t get in trouble quite as often.
His friends confronted him one day and told him they knew he was a wolf. He yelled at them before he broke down crying. They told him it was okay and he believed them. They fell asleep in a cuddle pile that night and Remus loved it.
Remus still hated his scars. He didn’t allow his friends to see. If they saw it made it far too real so Remus hid them under his sweaters.
Remus Lupin had to say goodbye to his closest friends yet again for the summer. He went back home and let his mother dote on him and hold him. Lyall gave Remus tight smiles and thumbs up sometimes. It was complicated.
During the summer, Remus still transformed into the wolf. Even vacation wasn’t quite a vacation for him.
The full moon arrived and Remus Lupin was a monster. He howled in agony. He wanted blood. He wanted something to kill. He scratched at his body and gnawed on his arm. Deeper, deeper, deeper. Remus Lupin pawed at his face with his claws out and blood dripped down. His fur was matted, but Remus Lupin didn’t care. He needed more blood and more suffering.
When he woke up again he cried. His body was sore and everything hurt. He knew his face had dried blood staining it and his arm was likely broken. There was nothing he could do but scream for his mother.
When Remus saw his friends again he felt sick.
He went to the back of the trolley to his usual compartment. He read a book and waited for the three boys.
They ran into the room, this time they were singing. Remus looked up and he smiled, but when they saw him the compliment was not returned.
They stared wide-eyed and ogled at him. They knew where the scar was from. They knew he was a werewolf. Now they knew exactly how sick and twisted the situation really was.
Remus expected their faces to contort into disgust or perhaps if they were nice enough pity, but instead, the three boys shook it off like their shock was just a strange hex.
James blinked a few times before he beamed brighter than the sun. He talked rapidly about how he broke his arm that summer. Remus smiled and listened.
Remus Lupin experienced his third year of Hogwarts.
Lily Evans asked him about his home life when she saw the scar, but nobody else seemed to care about the large scar stretched over the bridge of his nose. He was thankful for that.
He kept his sweater on even in the heat, but he was growing a bit more fond of his scars. If his friends weren’t disgusted, why should Remus be disgusted?
At one point during the year, Remus and Sirius stayed up together and snuck off into the secret tunnels. They had no mission or quest, they just wanted to break the rules.
While they went on their late-night tunnel walk Sirius asked Remus why he had never seen him without his sweater. Remus shrugged and said he’s often cold. Sirius said that it was bullshit, but he strangely didn’t pester Remus anymore. He must have known the reason.
The conversation was brought up early in their fourth year though. Sirius asked the same question and instead of lying Remus looked at his best friend and told him it was because of all his scars. Sirius asked if he could see.
That night Remus took his sweater off, only so Sirius Black could trace over every scar with his finger. He even dragged his finger across the one on Remus’s nose and he could feel his breath. Remus enjoyed it, but Sirius pulled away.
Sirius had reassured Remus that his scars didn’t destroy his value and they certainly did not mean Remus was a monster. They just mean that Remus went through a lot and that didn’t mean he was a bad person because of it.
Remus enjoyed his scars a little more. Every now and then he would sleep in a t-shirt rather than a bulky sweater which was nice especially when warmer weather rolled around.
When he went back home for the summer Lyall Lupin gave Remus an odd look when he saw him without a sweater, but he shook the look off and continued about his day.
Remus thought his scars were signs of his bravery. They showed he put up a fight. They were okay.
Then, Remus Lupin experienced his sixth year of Hogwarts.
His friendship with the Marauders was as strong and solid as it could be. They were loyal to a fault. They made an oath to be friends forever. Remus knew he would keep it.
Remus was growing more comfortable in his own skin. He was accepting his wolf. He was accepting his queerness. He was accepting his scars along with any other flaws he had. Remus Lupin wasn’t just growing; he was blossoming.
The full moon arrived like it always did. Remus didn’t know it was going to be a different kind of moon. Sirius told Snape to follow Remus into the Shrieking Shack. Remus was met with the very real possibility that he could have killed Snape.
Remus and James were both mad at Sirius for weeks. What he had done was near unforgivable.
After nearly killing Snape, Remus started keeping his sweaters on just as much as he used to do. He knew it pained Sirius, but he couldn’t find himself to care.
Remus couldn’t look at the scars without remembering that they could be on someone else. The long thin scar that was plastered on his nose could have been on Snape’s nose. The dark, puckered skin from him gnawing on his own arm could have been on Jame’s arm. Every single scratch and darkened mark was a reminder that Remus was vicious. He couldn’t look at the scars.
He knew that he was a monster. The scars only proved it.