Losing Arrangements

November had gone by in a blur and December was halfway through when James realized that he was undeniably in love with Regulus Black. A harsh realization that had completely derailed his attempts to confess his sins to the boy he so cherished. James had been having random panic attacks some nights as the severity of how badly he was messing up would hit him like a truck. He knew he was doing something that could ruin their relationship, but he was already in too deep. He couldn’t tell Reg now. He just had to hide it. Or risk losing everything they had built together.

That is why on the 22^nd of December he decided to cancel his library study date with his boyfriend and instead go and talk to Peter Pettigrew. It was time to end the stupid bet.

Peter was walking back to their shared dorm after finishing taking care of his precious plants in Herbology greenery when James cornered him in a corridor, only a few meters away from the Gryffindor common room.

“Holy Mother of Merlin! Prongs!” Peter yelped when his bag was pulled and his whole body followed the mysterious man tugging him into a dark corner “You scared the living shit out of me! Though I was about to be beaten up.”

James grinned and leaned back against the wall. The corridor he had chosen was uncomfortably small and he could clearly smell exactly what Wormtail had for lunch. “Not too late for that, I reckon?”

Peter let out a breathy laugh and then turned serious “What’s wrong?”

“Why would anything be wrong?” James’ brows furrowed in confusion

“Well, we would’ve seen each other in two hours. So whatever you want to tell me must be urgent.”

James’ cheeks flushed pink because truthfully this conversation could’ve waited a few more hours. But he would really prefer it if Sirius wasn’t within earshot distance.

Peter’s head tilted to the side and his left eyebrow cocked up in a knowing look “Or you just don’t want the others to hear?” His words formed a sentence, but James could tell he already knew the answer to that one. “Oh that’s it, isn’t it?”

James’ hands were now held firmly by his sides because they would otherwise immediately seek out Wormtail’s neck and strangle it.

“Yes, all right. I really would rather not have Sirius sitting next to me for this conversation.” James was getting frustrated by now and he could tell the next sassy comment was begging at his friend’s lips so, without giving him the opportunity to speak, continued “I’m ending the bet. You win. I’ll give you your homework. You just don’t tell anyone about it. Okay?”

Peter’s eyes widened and his expression was overtaken by a hungry look of amusement and curiosity. “Oh, so you and Regulus broke up already, huh?”

James let out a frustrated sigh because why was that any of Peter’s business “No, Wormtail, we didn’t. I just don’t want it to be fake anymore.”

His friend’s grin grew wider and James wanted to punch it right off. Why was Peter being such a git about it? “Oh, I knew it. I told you you wouldn’t last a month. You’re still so in love with Lily Evans. Oh, the perfect girl. Your soulmate!” He was laughing now.

James ran his hand over his face trying to decide whether this conversation was going anywhere good. He had been on edge all week and his friends certainly hadn’t been helping. Lily had gotten herself a crush, apparently and they couldn’t have been more annoying about it. Everyone except Remus, anyway. But that was because he knew about him and Regulus. James had found it comforting – being able to speak to somebody about the relationship. Remus had been nagging him to get a move on with this exact conversation. And James was really regretting it right now.

“I told you Wormtail. I don’t like Evans anymore.”

“Oh sure, you don’t Prongs! And, what? You expect me to believe that you actually like hanging out with baby Black? Ha!” Peter barked out a laugh and that was the last straw for James. Something inside him snapped. The tread that was holding him back from completely blowing up. Maybe.

“Yes! Yes, Peter! I love Regulus and he’s my boyfriend! And this stupid bet has been fucking driving me insane! Because I know that if he finds out, he will never talk to me. And he will hate me forever. And it will be my fault. None of it makes any fucking sense. I know! I tried! I just don’t know what is happening anymore.” Peter’s face had gotten paler now, a look of worry plastered on his features. He was moving towards James and pushing him down with one hand on his back. James acknowledged the few stray tears that were falling on his cheeks, but he was too angry to care. “I just don’t want Reg to know about the bet, Pete. I just – he can’t” He was speaking through hiccups now “I can’t – can’t lose him – he – and I just – ugh”

Peter had pulled him into a tight hug and James could tell he had a million different questions. Anyone would. But like the amazing friend he was, all he kept repeating was. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry James.”

And James appreciated it. He would tell him all about it later. But for now, he just held onto his mate’s hands and let the tears fall down, unapologetically. All of his frustration, confusion, love, hate, affection, guilt, and remorse poured out into one. Effie had always told him what a special kid he was. How much he always felt. But even James would sometimes feel too much. And when you feel too much of anything, it has to come out somehow. So he let it. Let it overwhelm him. Let it break down his walls and pass through him. He felt it all.

*****

SIRIUS POV

Sirius was running now. How pathetic. But he was running through Hogwarts because he was late for their date. And his Moony hated waiting. So he was running, like a pathetic first-year, lost in the massive castle, they called home when he heard yelling.

Usually, he wouldn’t think much of it. Many couples chose to hash out their arguments within the corridors. Something about the voice though stopped him, dead in his tracks.

The sound of his best mate’s voice echoing through the empty corridor was like a slap in the face. Whom was James talking to? And, more importantly, why was he yelling? Maybe he needed backup. That bloody Malfoy!

Sirius was about to burst into the tiny space when another familiar voice rang out into the winter silence. Peter? Okay, now Sirius was really confused.

And also intrigued.

Sirius wasn’t proud of what he did next, but desperate times called for desperate measures. Remus would get over his tardiness.

So Sirius plastered his back against the wall closest to the tiny opening and thankfully for him, it was close enough to hear every breath his two mates let out.

“Oh that’s it, isn’t it?”

A pause. Followed by a deep sigh.

“Yes, all right. I really would rather not have Sirius sitting next to me for this conversation.”

What? Sirius’ brows furrowed in confusion and he pressed his ear further into the wall.

“I’m ending the bet. You win. I’ll give you your homework. You just don’t tell anyone about it. Okay?”

Sirius was getting angry now. Why would James not tell him about a bet? He loved bets! And he was James’ best mate, after all! Why was it such a secret? And why did Peter know about it, but not him?

The next words that tumbled out of James’ mouth made him recoil back and push away from the wall as if it had physically burned him.

“Oh, so you and Regulus broke up already, huh?”

Sirius’ mind ran a few seconds behind his ears, but it eventually caught up. And WHAT THE FUCK DID HE JUST HEAR???

There’s no way. Sirius’ brain kept repeating. No way. No. Nope. Non. C’est pas possible.

James was his best mate and Regulus was his little brother. There was absolutely no way that they were…..No. James wouldn’t be that stupid. Would he?

Okay. But Regulus hated his guts. He would never agree. Right?

There was no way.

And yet, his brain repeated the words he had just heard over and over again in his mind. And then random images – memories started popping up in his head. James was more smiley than usual a few weeks ago, James was moodier this week, James’ eyes constantly strayed over to the Slytherin tables at breakfast, his friend was missing more regularly this year, he hadn’t talked a lot to Regulus, but every time he did, his brother would ask about his friends, and now that he thinks about it, the conversations always seemed to linger around James.

It was all starting to click in Sirius’ mind and his blood was starting to boil.

His best friend and his brother.

And a bet.

What would the bet be about?

……..

No. Certainly not. It was one thing for James to date his little brother, but to play with his feelings like that……Right?

And Sirius didn’t bother listening in anymore, because he knew he couldn’t. If he did, he might do something stupid. He knew himself well enough. He could become insanely cruel when angry.

So he hurried towards the courtyard because maybe Remus would have more answers.

He hoped so.

*****

JAMES POV

“What do I do now Pete?” James said after most of the tears had dried on his cheeks and his breath had calmed down enough for him to talk normally. Peter had stayed by his side through all of it. They had talked about it. James had told him all about how pretty Regulus was, how kind and compassionate he could be, how loved and understood James felt near him, how over the last weeks he had fallen irredeemably in love with the Slytherin boy, how he wanted their relationship to be public, how much he hoped he wouldn’t mess it all up.

“I don’t know Prongs.” His friend answered and ran his hand through the blond strands of hair. He had listened intently and given small smiles. “You are completely whipped mate. I guess…try not to mess it up.” A short laugh.

James’ lips broke out into a small smile. Pathetic honestly. This whole situation was pathetic. But he gathered his things nonetheless and went to go find Regulus after being asked at least seven times whether he was fine by Peter.

He found his boyfriend exactly where he expected.

Regulus was sitting with his two legs brought up to his chest, a book comfortably resting on his knees and that gorgeous face of his contorted into a slight frown, the one he got when he concentrated on something intently. James recognized the book immediately. He must be rereading it. Again.

He quickly scanned the little corner of the library the couple tucked themselves into, checking for people around. Obviously, there was no one around, so James approached his heavenly boyfriend from behind and bent down placing a kiss on the boy’s head, making sure to catch his lips in a tender kiss when Regulus turned his head back in surprise.

A small sound of surprise left the Slytherin’s lips but it was dutifully silenced by the press of familiar warmth. James let his hand cup the boy’s face and let himself breathe in the security and familiarity of the kiss. Every time he snogged Regulus everything in the world became stable. He really needed stability right now. So he deepened the kiss more than usual.

After he finally pulled away Reg looked up at him with soft eyes, a steady flame burning in those grey skies. “Jamie, what did we say about kissing in public?”

James rolled his eyes and moved away from the sitting boy, walking over to the opposite chair, and piling his books on the dark wooden table. They were missing dinner, but he couldn’t care less. After the day he had all James wanted to do was be with his boyfriend. “There’s no one around, love”

Now it was Regulus’ turn to roll his eyes, but he couldn’t deny the truth. So he just simply nodded and offered a warm smile.

James opened his Potions book and began rereading the same sentence over and over again. He could feel Regulus’ eyes on him the whole time and soon enough, the Slytherin boy demanded attention “What’s wrong?”

James couldn’t resist his boyfriend’s very existence let alone the sound of his voice calling to him, so despite his measly efforts, his head snapped up towards the source of the heavenly tone. Regulus’ eyes were filled with concern, brows furrowed once more and a slight frown was threatening to spill over his features. James really didn’t like the idea of being the one to cause such concern.

So he mustered all of his leftover energy and willed the muscles in his face to transform into a bright smile “Nothing, love. Just tired.” The Gryffindor then threw his head back and let it flop down on the soft cushion of the armchair. He really hoped the lie was convincing enough.

As per usual, his boyfriend’s ability to read everyone like an open book had won the invisible battle and James felt small, cold hands resting on his knees. When the boy looked down, his boyfriend was kneeling on the dark red carpet in front of him, and a low grumble reverberated throughout James’ whole body at the sight. He silently reprimanded himself. This is not that kind of date, James.

“Yeah. And I know what that means.” Regulus said and James believed him. At the beginning of their relationship, when Regulus hadn’t felt comfortable enough to be open and truthful, James had heard that same sentence tumbling out of the boy’s mouth way too often. “What’s going on, Jamie?”

Perfect timing. This was the second time an opportunity such as this had presented itself in front of James. And it would be so easy to just release the heavy weight of the secret that had been dragging him down every day recently. So easy to just break down again. Tell Regulus how sorry he was and how much he wished he had never made that bet in the beginning.

This time felt different though. For starters, the bet was over now. But also, James now knew how utterly in love he was with the boy in front of him. How badly he wanted this whole relationship to work. And if James didn’t take this opportunity….There was no going back from it.

“I – “ he began, the bubble in his throat growing unbearably uncomfortable. This was it. Regulus might never speak to him. Like ever. “I wanted to – “ He was overthinking this. Regulus would still want him in his life. Right? “To – “

Regulus was looking at him with an expectant gaze, a slight squeeze of his hands as if encouraging James to go on. James would miss his touch.

“Okay.” Here goes nothing.

“Would you like to go to the Yule ball with me?” Shit. That was not what he wanted to say.

Regulus’ grip on his knees released and relief flooded Regulus’ face. He must’ve been equally as nervous. James usually never got this flustered.

A smile threatened to overtake his boyfriend’s face, but before it could take full control, a tentative question rang out “But as friends?”

James was still cursing himself under his breath when he registered the question. Stupid Potter. He was supposed to be a Gryffindor. Not a coward. “What?” Why would Regulus think that? Oh. Yule ball. Lots of people. James took a deep breath and looked sharply into his boyfriend’s eyes as he spoke “No, Reg. As my date. Will you go to the ball with me as my date?”

The smile that had been held back by a thread finally broke out onto his features and James couldn’t help but smile at the look of genuine happiness gracing the Slytherin boy’s face. “Wait. Really?!”

Regulus got up from the carpet and looked down onto the still-sitting Gryffindor with adoration and surprise. James wanted to capture this moment in his memory. It felt grandiose. Monumental.

“Yeah.” James breathed out in a laugh and got up placing his hands around Reg’s hips. The other boy’s arms were already around his neck and James, as always, followed his impulses and picked up the poor boy and started spinning both of them in a circle, without a care in the world. Regulus was laughing and throwing his head back and James was laughing as well. They were spinning in the empty library, breathless and in love.

A little bit queasy, but satisfied James let go of his boyfriend’s waist after carefully lowering him to the mahogany carpet. This time instead of sitting in the armchairs, like normal people, the couple decided to sink down to the floor, resting instead their back on the soft furniture. Regulus propped himself in James’ lap and the pair sunk into each other. A tangle of arms and messy locks of hair.

“So you want to tell people?” Regulus said quietly, still a little bit of concern laced through his words, as if he was afraid he was dreaming and would wake up any second.

And James understood his sentiments perfectly. He, himself wasn’t sure why he had said that, but it wasn’t a lie. “Are you kidding me? I want to tell the whole world, love.” He lifted his hand up enough to brush a strand of black hair away from the Slytherin’s face and placed a few soft kisses on the marble skin of his neck.

When he decided his work was good enough for today, he tilted his head to the side, and with the most Dumbledore-esque voice he could manage whisper-yelled “Regulus Black, students, and scholars! My boyfriend! Mine!”

A chuckle escaped his boyfriend’s mouth and a slender hand with two black hair ties tied to it reached up to turn his face. A pair of soft, flushed lips pressed against his, and James couldn’t remember what he had been so worked up over earlier today. Nothing could matter enough to make him not melt at every single one of Regulus’ touches. Oh, he was down badly.

They pulled away for air, but it only took them a few seconds for their lips to pull back into each other, like magnets. This time Regulus pushed the Gryffindor back against the armchair softly and turned his body around, basically straddling his body as he deepened the kiss, and even though it took James by surprise, he wasn’t opposed to it at all.  In fact, he was encouraging it. His hands were traveling down Regulus’ back and lingered at the slight opening of his white shirt.

“Umph – Can –“ James tried but Regulus didn’t give him the opportunity to speak, instead crashing his lips onto his once more. He still hadn’t received an answer though, so his hands still just lingered on the edge of the shirt, aching to touch the marble skin that was just out of reach.

Regulus let out a frustrated noise, and if James hadn’t been incredibly turned on at the minute, that certainly would have done it. “Yeah.” Regulus said in between kisses, trying to catch his breath. Apparently, it took James too long to react because the next thing he knew, Regulus’ hand was tugging his own upwards, prompting them to explore. Not even a second later his boyfriend’s hands were back to his messy hair. Tugging and eliciting surprised huffs from James.

Yet another unexpected thing about Regulus Black. He could be a freak sometimes. Regulus was anything but predictable, James thought.

And then he thought nothing because Regulus’ hair fell to the side and his perfect skin was exposed to James’ eyes and he made that his next mission. He reluctantly left his place, in between kisses, much to Regulus’ annoyance if they could count the needy whines that escaped the Slytherin boy, which was quickly replaced by breathy sighs once he realized James’ true intentions.

The Gryffindor made quick, yet pleasurable work of the snowy skin and left the marks that he had wanted, proclaiming that this boy. Regulus was his. No one else’s.

Much to both of their frustration, they soon heard hushed voices nearing their cozy hiding places, so the fun they were having was bound to end. They pulled away, breathless, a look of burning lust glazing their eyes. They stared at each other for a second before a smile broke out on James’ face and Regulus started laughing. The silence was quickly filled by two loud voices, laughing and sharing a moment of tenderness. Two boys growing and learning together.

Regulus placed a loud kiss on the Gryffindor’s cheek and snuggled in closer to his boyfriend’s ruffled uniform. They would have to fix that, James made a mental note. The fireplace crackled sweetly as James’ arms wrapped around the slender boy’s waist. The soft thump of winter rain rumbled throughout the quiet library and something about this whole situation felt so peaceful. Like no one could touch them here. Nothing bad could happen as long as they were together. And maybe it was stupidity or rather naivety, but at this moment James thought they will be okay. Everything will end up okay.

“Hey.” James began and Regulus turned slightly to look at him with sleepy eyes “You spend holidays at your cousin’s. Right?”

“Yep.” Regulus answered plainly

“Well….I know it might be soon.” James began and for some reason, he knew Regulus would say yes “Would you like to spend Christmas with us this year?”

James couldn’t imagine going through the entire break without getting to see or kiss Regulus. He wouldn’t know what to do with himself.

“You want me to meet your parents?” Regulus cocked his head to the side and a playful smirk graced his lips “I don’t think your mother will like me.” But he must’ve seen the pout forming on James’ face because he quickly added, with a soft smile “Of course, Jamie.”

James felt his face light up and would usually ridicule himself for acting like a desperate Sirius but he couldn’t when he saw the shit-eating grin that was being mirrored by the Slytherin boy “Good.” James said and pulled Regulus back to his chest. Once again protecting him from anything that could harm him. “And my mum will adore you.” He added and buried his face in the crook of his boyfriend’s neck placing a soft kiss against one of the newly-forming bruises he had left.

“Mmm. You think so?”

“I know so, love.”