Songbird
Regulus woke up at about 4 o’clock in the morning and the first thing he did was chug a glass of water and brush his teeth. He proceeded to stretch out a yoga mat in the middle of their dorm and start trying to figure out what a ‘downward dog’ is supposed to look like. Obviously, it was Christmas and he probably should be asleep, seeing as he probably wouldn’t be getting much of it during the break. James’ friend group would be extremely annoying; he was certain of it.
Okay now, that’s just ridiculous! What for Merlin’s sake is an embryo pose?! This has to be some kind of joke-
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING REGULUS?” Whisper-yelled Barty who was apparently awoken by the frustrating noises Regulus was making.
“Oh! Morning Barty. I’m just enjoying some relaxing morning yoga.”
“Morning? MORNING?! It’s dark outside Regulus!” Barty threw his middle finger in the air and flopped back down onto his bed, only to plop back up to mutter “Do your fucking yoga somewhere else.” And immediately start snoring again.
Regulus rolled his eyes and scoffed at his friend “Rude.” But he decided that perhaps yoga wasn’t for him. He had wanted to try it as many people had said it calms their anxiety down, but all it did for Regulus was enrage him even more.
So, he put Evan’s yoga mat back in its place and decided to try and drown his thoughts with a blazing-hot shower and a three-hour skincare routine. And so he did….
*****
Surprisingly, it had worked quite well and by the time he was done with the eye patches, the clock’s ‘hands’ as his cousin liked to say were pointing to 8:30.
Regulus threw on a sweater and some brown pants as the school robes weren’t mandatory on Christmas day and decided to check on his sleepy roommates.
In yet another surprise, both Evan and Barty were up and apparently waiting for Regulus to come out of the shower because their heads snapped up at the sound of the bathroom door closing. Guess today’s going to be full of surprises, huh?
“Reg! What the hell were you doing there for 3 hours? Had to go take a dump in Marty’s room.” Barty said an amused look playing on his features. Next to him, Evan made a disgusted noise and rolled his eyes.
Regulus just shrugged and decided he didn’t feel the need to elaborate today. Now that he was out of the gushing hot water and multiple heavy creams, his mind was back to self-sabotaging.
The Yule ball was tonight and he knew that James had asked him to go as his date, but Reg’s brain still tried its best to convince him that it was all still a big, elaborate plan to embarrass him in front of everyone. And even if it wasn’t, then that was even scarier. Because that meant that they really would be announcing their relationship in front of the whole school. And Regulus didn’t care what others thought about it, not really. But what he was worried about was his brother’s reaction.
Regulus prided himself on always being able to read people. And when you can see through them, everyone eventually becomes predictable, boring even. There were only three people who were different in Regulus’ life. James, Sirius, and his mother. He could never anticipate where the blows would come from. He knew that Sirius loved him. He knew that. But if he tried to put himself in Sirius’ place and found out his best friend and little brother were secretly dating behind his back, he wouldn’t take it easy either.
“Reg, we meant to ask you sooner, but you’ve kinda been distant lately. Why did you end the bet with Potter?” Evan’s voice cut through the spiral of condescending thoughts in Regulus’ head and replaced it with a spike of pure anxiety.
It was true. He had never actually told them why he ended that bet. They’d tried talking to him about it many times these past few months, but he always managed to somehow change the topic quickly enough. He knew he couldn’t do it forever, but he had hoped for a little longer.
“Um… what do you mean?” Regulus tried. He knew it was futile and at this point, why wasn’t he telling them? They would know anyways by tomorrow.
“Okay. Look. Let’s stop beating around the bush. Are you and James dating?” Of course, Barty had to be blunt about it. It was one of the reasons why Regulus both loved and hated him.
Reg took a deep breath and let his hand, clutching the green sweater fall down by his side as he slowly turned to look at his friends. The moment his eyes met theirs a grin broke onto his face and he rolled his eyes at himself, because could he have made it more obvious honestly?
Barty’s eyes widened and he jumped up and started running around in a circle like a toddler screaming “My friend won’t die alone! My friend won’t die alone!”
Evan just shook his head but got up and walked over to the flustered Slytherin boy, patting him on the back and sighing “Good one Reg.”
*****
The three boys had spent the rest of the morning gossiping about the Gryffindor boy and Regulus was quickly reminded of how nosy Slytherins could be when they cared enough. He told his friends all about his and James’ dates, their secret Rendez-Vous, and had to remind Barty at least 5 times that yes, he was still a virgin, much to his annoyance. They had gone to lunch and of course, James was nowhere to be seen. Actually, Peter and Sirius weren’t there either and after asking Remus about his missing friends, Regulus learned that none of them had actually bought their suits for the ball, so they had sneaked out to Hogsmeade in search of ‘appropriate attire'. No surprises there.
The afternoon was spent with more gossiping and even less discretion. Dorcas and Pandora joined them in the boys’ room at about 3 and ever since then they had been gushing over Regulus’ ‘not-so-secret’ relationship.
“Why didn’t you tell us, you little shit?” Dorcas laughed after another story was finished
Regulus rolled his eyes for what felt like the millionth time that day “I told you. I couldn’t. We wanted to keep it a secret.”
“But you’re announcing it tonight, right?” Pandora chipped in from where she had been sitting, feeding the grubby mouse the three boys had adopted as their own after finding it in their bathroom. The dungeons weren’t always pleasant.
“Yeah. That’s the plan.” That nagging voice in the back of Regulus’ head had gotten better, but it never fully disappeared. His cousin always told him he was a very intuitive person, but in times like these, he couldn’t discern what was intuition and what – pure anxiety.
“Is he at least treating you right?” Dorcas, who had always been very protective of him, questioned
“Yes, Dorcas. I feel ……” Regulus tried to think back to a few days ago when he and James had had one of their little library dates. The quiet Hogwarts library, he had spent so many lonely nights in, that was now forever ingrained in his mind with boisterous laughter and sleepy conversations. “I feel safe when I’m with him. You know?”
Dorcas’ questioning look softened and as her features relaxed, a small private smile crept its way on her lips “Yeah.”
“It’s like I don’t constantly have to overthink every word I say. How it’ll sound, how it’ll affect everyone else. I can just be myself around him. And James is just….” Regulus sighed “He’s just comfortable. I don’t even know how to explain it. Just- Just comfortable.”
The room was silent for a few moments. As if anticipating something to happen. Nothing did.
“Okay, Dora we should start getting ready for the ball now. Boys, it was fun but the actually pretty ones have to go now.” Dorcas exhaled as she unfolded her legs and stood up from the floor they had formed a circle on. She beckoned Pandora to leave the poor rat alone and go with her, all while turning back to stick out her tongue at Barty who was yelling after her “Hey! Not true! I’m the pretty one!”
“Bye! I’ll see you guys in a few!” Waved Pandora and the door was promptly shut afterward.
“That bitch! I’m the pretty one! Right, Evan?” Barty turned to look at his two friends with a child-like pout
“Yes, baby. You are the prettiest.” Laughed Evan and placed a kiss on Barty’s cheek. That seemed to do the trick because Barty’s face broke out into a contagious smile and the couple got up to look for their respective suits in the mess that was their room. Regulus really wished James was here. He hadn’t seen him at all today and was getting very needy.
He got up himself and went diving through his wardrobe for the dark green suit while reminding himself that it was okay. He would see his Sun very soon and they would spend one perfect evening together.
*****
It was 9 and Regulus was very late. He still didn’t understand how he managed to make a 20-minute job of putting his suit on into a 2-hour ordeal along with a side dish of two panic attacks.
Barty and Evan had already left after making fun of him for freaking out for a good amount of time. And Regulus was now rushing down the long corridor leading to the Great hall and praying that there wouldn’t be too many people there.
His breath came to a halt, as well as his feet when his eyes stumbled upon the tall Gryffindor boy, wearing a dark brown suit that fit him in all the right places. James was standing with his back towards him, twirling his wand in his hands and bouncing back and forth on his feet. Regulus sternly questioned the tiny spin his heart did at the sight. There was absolutely no reason why such a pose should elicit a reaction like his.
“James,” Regulus announced after recognizing how weird he must seem to other students passing by.
The Gryffindor boy sharply turned around when he heard his boyfriend’s voice and froze in place. His eyes widened and his mouth involuntarily dropped a little. He was staring Regulus up and down with eyes full of what Reg presumed to be lust and something more. Most people would squirm under such a powerful and meaningful gaze but Regulus just smirked and congratulated himself. After all, this suit cost him a lot of money. He knew it would be worth it.
“Cat got your tongue, Potter?” James’ eyes were finally pulled away from their trance and they flicked up to meet the Slytherins’ grey skies.
James strode forward, closing the distance between them “You look….poetic love” He said with outstretched arms.
Now Regulus was a strong boy. But that word would make anyone melt. It was their word.
“Oh?” He batted his eyelashes up at his boyfriend “Well you look poetic as well, Jamie.” Regulus slid his arms around his lover’s waist and he was grateful that he could do it with everyone staring. Tonight was going to be fun.
James reached up and tugged on the Slytherin’s tie, fixing it yet again. Regulus had been made aware that he doesn’t actually know how to tie a tie. “There you go” James whispered and leaned down to place a gentle, adoring kiss on the boy’s lips.
“M’thank you, honey.” Regulus answered “But really. Who helped you with your costume?” It really was too good of a fashion choice for James to have chosen on his own.
“Well, that hurt.” James laughed and Regulus felt a giggle escape his throat so he buried his head in James’ chest in hopes of stifling it. “I tried to get Sirius to help me, but he just ignored me. So Lily had to step in.”
Oh. “Oh.” Lily. Great. Now he’s overthinking that. “Well, she did very well.” He tried sounding genuine, really. And it was true, this choice made James look incredible, but it pained him knowing that he was admitting that Lily Evans had good fashion sense.
James must’ve noticed because his brows furrowed together and he leaned down to press a soft kiss to Regulus’ nose. A small noise of contentment left his lips. “Love, we’ve talked about this. You don’t have to be jealous. I’m over it. And Lily never liked me anyways.”
Regulus scoffed “As if I’d be jealous of her. I think you’re forgetting who I am.” But he was jealous. And James knew that. Everyone with eyes could see it. Every time one of James’ friends would joke about his past crush and yell it in the Grand hall at breakfast, or lunch, Regulus would feel his head spinning with thoughts. About how pretty she is. How pretty he isn’t. And how all of this, his relationship with James was one big awful dream. Of course, his boyfriend never gave him any reason to worry, but Regulus just couldn’t help the ugly thoughts that swam in his head and threatened to drown him.
“Of course not, pretty boy. Let’s go in so I can kiss you in front of everyone finally” James smiled and offered one of his rough hands to Regulus, who cheerfully took it, complying with his boyfriend’s wishes. He had gotten so used to the feel of his palm against James’ and of their fingers laced together, that this felt like how it always should’ve been.
They were two steps away when Regulus took a deep breath and squeezed Jamie’s hand. This was it.
The couple walked in and as per expected, most people turned around to stare at the unlikely pair. None of the faces had animosity written on them, except one. Sirius. Sirius, who was standing next to a bowl of some kind of punch, with folded arms and a frown so deep that Regulus thought he would puke. But after a few moments, he noticed that that same frown wasn’t necessarily directed at him but rather at the boy next to him. James. Shit.
James must’ve noticed it as well, but decided it would have to be a conversation for another time because he quickly pulled Regulus over to the furthest corner of the room and led him toward a group of very amused-looking Slytherins.
Regulus felt his head trained on Sirius’ figure even as he dutifully followed his boyfriend across the marble floor. His head only caught up with his body when he felt the familiar squeeze of James’ fingers against his own.
The group of Slytherins was settled around a large circular table drinking from fancy cups and smirking at the approaching boys.
Barty spoke first “Well, well. The newly-weds. Welcome!” His eyebrow cocked up triumphantly as Regulus rolled his eyes
“Potter, I know I might not seem as intimidating in this gorgeous gown, but I swear I will pluck your eyes out with a spoon if you ever hurt my precious Regulus. Understood?” Dorcas was already on the threatening part, huh? They were moving fast, Regulus concluded.
“Uhm… Uh – I – Yeah. I would – I would never. “James was stumbling over his words and Regulus threw a glare at his friends
“I hope you won’t. For your own sake.” Pandora spoke in a slow, mincing voice
Regulus’ eyes widened and he shook his head violently “PANDORA! You’re all corrupting her!” He pointed a finger toward the rest of the Slytherins. They just shrugged. “Okay, you know what. James? Let’s go dancing.”
James shook his head with a pleading look in his eyes and turned to say goodbye to Regulus’ friends but he was already being dragged away. “Uh – Ow. Bye, everyone!”
“Bye, James! Lovely meeting you mate!” Evan yelled after them and turned to punch his own boyfriend in the arm. Regulus vaguely heard the beginnings of an argument “What the hell was that Barty….”
The couple found themselves in the middle of the ‘dancefloor’ that Hagrid had helped clear out for the ball. It was the grand hall after all, so there was enough space for everyone, but there was around a dozen couples actually dancing. Everyone else was sitting at tables having conversations or just standing aside and sulking.
Regulus however couldn’t be happier. It truly felt too good to be true. He was here, in the Great hall, in front of all these people, dancing with his amazing boyfriend. Just when he thought things couldn’t get better, “Songbird” by Fleetwood Mac started playing. It was one of the songs his cousin had shown him. And quite thematically he loved playing it in his room and dancing to it. Guilty pleasure and all.
“Merlin, I love this song.” Regulus sighed and buried his face in James’ shoulder, the Gryffindor pulling him in closer by the waist and resting his cheek against the dark curls. They started slowly swaying to the music, not speaking, just knowing they were both there. That was enough for them.
Regulus could feel a lot of eyes on them. They were practically burning through them, but with James wrapped around him, he felt safe. Like he was some sort of barrier from all evil eyes. Regulus could feel the warmth from his Sun seeping through his own soul, pushing away all negative thoughts, worries, and troubles. None of it mattered when he was with James.
Cause I feel when I’m with you, it’s all right.
It really was. Things with James always felt right. Even the first time, when he had tried escaping James, even in front of the stupid bathrooms. It always felt right.
Regulus pulled his head back and stared up into those hazel eyes that were brimming with happiness. How could be so stupid to think that all of this is a lie? As he looked up at James, Regulus felt like the world was about to shatter. Like the world would crumble under the weight of their love.
Love?
“I can’t wait to spend Christmas break with you, love,” James murmured and placed a soft, slow, tender kiss on Reg’s forehead, whose head was spinning with the weight of the words. Love. There it was again. Love?
“Reg? Are you okay?” The Gryffindor looked down at his boyfriend with a confused expression.
Regulus’ thoughts were all over the place, but suddenly, as if a projector was lighting the way, every thought gathered into one. Into one simple, yet terrifying truth. He loved him. Regulus….Regulus Black loved James Potter.
It hit him like a hammer in his chest. It tugged on his skin, trying to rip it off. Trying to tell the world. Regulus Black loved James Potter.
And I love you, I love you, I love you
Like never before
Every word his mother told him was a lie. He loved someone. Regulus wasn’t selfish. He was in love. And it hurt. And it was beautiful.
“I love you.” That hammer in his chest had won. The words slipped out before his overthinking could stop them. Before he could come up with a reason why he shouldn’t say it. Regulus just did.
James stared at him, mouth agape. Regulus’ brain finally caught up to his mouth and regret immediately settled in his heart. He shouldn’t have said that. They haven’t been dating that long. It was weird that he said that. It’s the worst thing he could have ever said. Oh, Merlin – James would hate him. James – he would never – fuck –
“Really?!” Regulus’ eyes snapped up, panic written in the gray stars. But James wasn’t frowning, he wasn’t even slightly disturbed by what he had just said. He was properly beaming. His grin was so wide, that to other people he probably looked like a lunatic. “Do you really love me?”
He had said it with so much hope, that Regulus’ heart almost broke in four. But it couldn’t be true, right? Reg silently, cautiously nodded his head, cheeks flooding with a pink tint.
As if it was possible, James’ grin grew even wider. “Oh, love. I love you too, Reg.”
Regulus’ heart skipped a beat. Two. Three. Four. Five. Surely he should be having a stroke by now.
His mind couldn’t understand what his ears were hearing. James Potter…..Did he love him? His Sun. How could the Sun love the Storm? There was no way. Nuh-uh. No fucking way. Right?
But then James was kissing him. A kiss so deep and sweet, so intimate and so insanely passionate that his head started spinning. A sweet dizzy feeling that made him want to never stop spinning.
They pulled away from each other breathlessly.
And I love you, I love you, I love you
Like never before, like never before
And there it was. Regulus Black loved James Potter. And James Potter loved Regulus Black.
And everything at that moment was perfect.
That was until Sirius Black started shouting from the other side of the room…….