Losing Arrangements

James woke up the next morning with an embarrassingly large grin on his face.

Talking to Regulus after their lovely kiss hadn’t been awkward, much to James’ surprise. Usually, after snogging someone for the first time, James would come up with some sly remark about seeing them the next day and would bow out of whatever uncomfortable conversation his fling tried to rope him into. That hadn’t been the case with the Slytherin boy at all. They had stayed like that, wrapped up in each other’s arms for a long time. Regulus pointed out different constellations and individual stars, explaining their myths and legends. And James found himself paying more attention to the stars than in astronomy class.

“What are you so smiley about?” Sirius asked his best mate with a groggy voice. “Moony, what’s the time?”

Remus was just walking out of their shared bathroom, a towel draped over his shoulder when he checked the small clock that was plastered onto the corner of their wall. The clock that each one of them had pushed off the wall t some point during their stay at Hogwarts and eventually had to learn the spell to basically tape it in its place. “Seven in the morning, sunshine.”

Sirius threw his head back and plopped back onto his bed with an exaggerated sigh. “Merlin’s sake. This is not a way to live.”

James just laughed at the obvious display of affection Remus showed with the face he pulled after his boyfriend’s words. A soft smile, eyes crinkled at the edges with a feverish longing, a sort of domesticity hanging around him.

Sirius and Peter were notoriously known for their utter distaste for early mornings and their merlin awful attitude at breakfasts. In spite of that, Remus and James hadn’t missed a single breakfast during all of their years at Hogwarts. He wasn’t about to lose that streak now.

“Get up, Padfoot. Time to go.” James said, getting up from where he was putting on his very worn-out shoes.

Sirius didn’t even bless him with the effort of turning towards him as he muttered a quiet “no.” and buried his head further in his pillow. They weren’t going to get anywhere on time at this rate. So with a quick glance at Remus and an acknowledging nod, the two boys took two of Sirius’ limbs and started dragging him off the sheets, he was so desperately trying to hold onto. “No, idiots! Let me sleep in fucking peace!” He had started kicking in every direction, thrashing helplessly around. “Please, Moony! Baby!” Remus just shook his head and a snort escaped his lips. So Sirius tried the other boy “Prongs, mate! You know me! You’re family! Let me go in peace! Please!”

“Awww. Very cute Pads! But we really should be going now.” James tried once again and they were about to finally pull Sirius off the bed, when the harsh thud of the door opening made them let go of the two legs and Sirius took full advantage of the welcome distraction, quickly crawling back to his beloved pillow.

“Oi! What are you all doing? You’re missing the most amazing girl fight ever! Come on!” Peter yelled

James had absolutely no idea what that sentence meant and seemingly neither did Remus because he looked at Wormtail with a questioning gaze. “Pardon me, what?”

“You heard me! Some Ravenclaw girls are fighting in the hall. It’s bloody wicked!”

Sirius had already jumped up at the possibility of witnessing any kind of fight, especially this one. He always said that girl fights were the most feral ones.

Just like that Peter flew down the stairs leading to the Gryffindor common room exit, closely followed by a very much awake-looking Sirius. The door shut behind them with the same thud and they were gone.

Remus sighed a deep sigh of amusement and James just shook his head, walking over to his bed to try and tame his hair once again.

“Sirius is right, though. Don’t think we haven’t noticed how unnecessarily smiley you’ve been lately Prongs.” Remus said and James turned slightly, trying to look his friend in the eye.

“I’m always happy,” James said, and okay, maybe that wasn’t entirely true, but he was a mostly optimistic person. On the outside at least.

“Not the same thing.” Remus said in a matter-of-factly way. “Does this have anything to do with Peter by the way?”

“What?” James looked at him with wide eyes because how could Remus be so observant?

“Well, it’s just….I’ve noticed him smirking whenever we talk about your unusual behavior. You know Sirius wouldn’t be happy to know anything about you after Peter.”

It was true. Sirius could become very jealous. Even over his friends. He would be truly furious if he knew about the bet. Not to add that it was about his little brother. James shuddered at the mere thought.

James debated for a few moments whether he should tell Remus about everything. For the past few days, ever since their date at Hogsmeade, something truly rotten had been gnawing at James’ consciousness and no matter how much he tried, James just couldn’t place his finger on it. And after all, Remus would be the perfect person to ask. Always so objective, and observant. He certainly would have helpful thoughts.

“I made this bet with Peter. At the beginning of the year.” James started both of the boys sat down on their respective beds, feeling a long conversation creeping its way through the dimly lit room.

“A bet? Really, James?” Remus exhaled and James could see the disappointment in his mate’s face. Remus had that look quite often when he was hanging out with their group.

“Yeah. So he’s betting that I can’t get a boyfriend or girlfriend in less than a month and stay together for a full 30 days. I said I could. And here we are.” Moony looked at him with a look of both disgust and amusement. It quickly turned into confusion though.

He folded the last sweater, that had just been washed by the amazing elves, who were treated unbelievably badly by most students. Not by them though. They always made sure to leave shiny, small things around, along with their laundry. Just as a little surprise for the hardworking creatures. “Wait, but that doesn’t explain why you’re all doe-eyed.” Something flicked over his features and he added “Who’s the unlucky person?”

The image of Regulus’ face that was brought up in his mind along with his name, was enough for the stupid grin to reappear on James’ face. That was beginning to worry him now. This was all supposed to be a bet in the end.

He knew Remus would be mad. Very mad. Because he also knew what Sirius’ reaction would be. But the conversation had already begun and there was no turning back.

“Okay. I need you to promise not to yell. Please.”

Remus’ face contorted in a suddenly cautious glance. “What did you get yourself into Prongs?”

“I will not cooperate until I hear that promise Moony.”

“James…”

“Uh-uh.”

“But I can’t-“

“Remus.”

“Fine. I promise I will not yell at you. Too much.” Remus crossed his arms in front of his chest and leaned against one of the bed-supporting columns. “Now tell me.”

“Okay. See, that wasn’t so hard.” James was thrown a don’t-test-me Remus certified glare and got the memo “Okay. Regulus.” He inhaled sharply and suspended all his energy, waiting for his friend’s reaction.

Remus blinked a few times. As if he was trying to go back and hear a different answer. But he couldn’t. “Regulus…..As in Regulus Black?” James nodded “As in Sirius’ little brother Regulus Black?” Another careful nod. Remus’ face started getting redder and redder with each one. “As in Regulus Black, the boy Sirius would kill for?! Regulus Black as in the boy that you always complained hated your guts?! REGULUS BLACK?!”

Remus was standing upright now. Trying not to panic too much. He didn’t have to worry too much about that, James was panicking enough for both of them.

“Okay, look I- I know it seems ridiculous. I get that. But I actually think I like him. And he might also like me. And I don’t know- He’s a good kisser, Remus. And I know Sirius will be mad-“

“Oh no, James. Sirius won’t be just mad. He will quite literally kill you.”

“I know. But I just – it seemed like a challenge. A-And you know how competitive I get. And I just-“

“Wait. Wait.” James was still rambling about how wonderful Regulus was and how amazing their kiss was “JAMES SHUT UP!”

James was effectively shut up and he stood there, feeling astonishingly vulnerable. He hadn’t even realized how much he needed to talk to someone about Regulus.

“Please correct me if I’m wrong, but did you just say you actually like him?”

Remus was looking at him with expectant eyes, a silent plead to be wrong laced through them. And James felt the blush creep up his neck and find its designated spot – onto his cheeks and nose

“Uhm…Yeah. I think so.”

Remus tried again “You think so?”

“No, I’m sure.” And James’ heart was certain.

Remus sunk back onto his bed, palms rubbing his eyes furiously and with a little shake of his head, James’ hands went cold. Because Remus looked that distraught only when things were that bad. But what was so bad here? Yes, Sirius would be mad, but it certainly wouldn’t mean anything. After all, they were like brothers.

He was about to start begging Remus to speak when his friend began with slow, deliberate words, eyes focused on the worried look playing on his face. “James. I know you’re not great at reading other people, but surely even you cannot be that clueless.”

After seeing the confused look on his friend’s face, Remus continued “Okay. Well, how do I say this? Do you want to build an actual relationship with him? Regulus.”

James thought back to how safe he’d felt up in the Astronomy tower with the Slytherin boy he was supposed to hate. And how heavenly his lips had melted against the unfamiliar ones. How amazing he had felt all these weeks when he chased Regulus around the castle. How familiar the boys’ scent had become to him. How his dreams were now being plagued, no, blessed with the image of short laughs and nervous fingers. Two hair ties on a slender wrist, a pair of mismatched socks. How at some point during these weeks, the bet had completely escaped his head. How now everything seemed to remind him of the boy made of marble.

His heart had decided the answer to the question for him, two weeks ago. “Yeah.” His voice was breathless, lifted up by the sudden realization, the infuriating truth that had somehow been able to evade James. “Yes.” Confirmed the boy, firmer this time.

Remus had been patiently standing, and he could see the determination rise in James’ heart because a small smile crept its way onto his lips “Okay. That’s-that’s good. But. James, you cannot build it on lies. On a bet. That- You know that would ruin Regulus. If there’s anything I’ve gathered from being so close to Sirius, it’s that the kids of that family, hate being lied to. Not when they got away. You know that.”

James’ heart sunk. It was now being pulled down by the weight of the realization that he had once again completely messed everything up. Why was he always destroying the good things in his life? “Wait, Remus….shit. Shit, shit, shit. What do I do?” He was panicking and the image of Regulus’ cold expression showed up behind his eyes, despite James’ best efforts to stop it.

Remus reached over, placing a warm, comforting hand on his shaking knee “Now, James. Get out of your head. It’s not the end of anything. I know what you’re thinking.” And James believed him. Somehow, both of the boys had come to an agreement to never acknowledge their similarities. They both wondered what was wrong with them, why they could never keep the blessings that arrived in their lives. But Remus had, and maybe James would one day as well. “You just have to end the bet..” Okay that he could do. “And tell Regulus.” Nope. Nope. That? Nope.

James stood up and started pacing around the room, hands pulling at his hair. Because how could he tell Regulus about any of this? Maybe before their kiss. But now? Regulus would hate him. He would never speak to him again and James would be the reason for it. No. There was absolutely no way. “I can’t.”

“You have to. The longer you keep it a secret, the worse it will be.”

And it wasn’t helping James at all. “He will never want to see me again, Remus.”

“I know you think that, James. But he will. Maybe he will need a little bit of time, yes. But he will eventually. You have to tell him.”

James couldn’t bear the thought of not speaking to Regulus even for one day. Not when he knew what it was like to hear his laugh, taste his lips, pull him into his arms. He just couldn’t.

“Okay. I will” It was a lie. James probably wouldn’t. He would try, yes. But he couldn’t lie to himself and say with certainty.

“You will?” Remus looked at him with a compassionate look and James knew he was lying. He didn’t say it, but it was clear. “If it’s really meant to be, it will happen no matter what.” Remus said passing by him, patting his shoulder, and heading for the door.

“Sounds delusional.” James muttered, recounting the Slytherin’s words from the previous night. With his mind reeling, chaos and regret flooding his every sense, he stepped out the door and headed for breakfast.

*****

The next few weeks went by in a flurry of homework and late-night talks. James hadn’t gotten a full night’s sleep in forever and his self-loathing was at an all-time high. But at least, the evenings were spent talking to the beautiful boy that had gotten that much more comfortable around him, reading him poetry, kissing his lips, and resting his chin on top of his shoulder as they stared up at the winter sky. November was in full swing and James got used to carrying a few blankets under his invisibility cloak and scolding Regulus for wearing “…only a flimsy shirt in the full swing of winter.” And getting “You can keep me, warm Potter.” In return.

They’d gone on a few more dates as well. Some in Hogsmeade, when they always ended up sitting on the secret bench and being visited by more animals. Regulus continued to shriek every time a cat would snuggle in his lap and it was for that particular reason that James decided that their next date would be carried out in the forest.

And here they were.

Fingers intertwined, sides pressing against each other. Regulus was wearing James’ knitted hat that Effie had gifted him for Christmas last year and he looked wonderfully cute. His nose was reddened by the cold winter air and they could both hear the sounds of their feet pressing on top of the fluffy snow that had covered Hogwarts’ grounds a few days prior. The trees were swaying carefully and sometimes a little bit of the snow would fall onto Regulus’ head with a dull ‘thud’ and then James would laugh at the way Reg’s eyes looked up at the guilty branch with murderous eyes.

“It’s James’ hat, you idiot tree.” He would say and James would beam at him, because oh god he was really falling for this boy.

And then his consciousness would remind him of the terrible person he was being. After all, he could’ve easily confessed about the bet when Regulus had told him about his own. But he didn’t. And he had tried. During their last few dates especially. Because they were getting closer, and James was scared. Really fucking scared. He had never felt this way about anyone before. Not about Lilly. Not about Lizzie, or Nellie. He sometimes wished he could talk to his mom about it. She always knew what to say. How to help her son.

“What’s going on in that head of yours?” Regulus’ voice sent chills down his spine, pulling him back to Earth. He must’ve been silent for a long time.

James squeezed his hand twice, a simple gesture that had become a part of their day, and added a dazzling smile, as a bonus “Nothing, love. Just thinking about all the amazing presents I could get you for Christmas.”

James saw the blush creeping up the Slytherin boy’s face and he would never get tired of the way that nickname always seemed to elicit that response from him. “Jamie…you know you don’t have to get me a gift, right?”

It was now James’ turn to blush. Regulus had started using ‘Jamie’ a few days ago and ever since the first time he said it and the choking sound that came out of the Gryffindor’s mouth, Regulus hadn’t stopped. “I know. But I want to. And I have a few amazing ideas.”

James pulled Reg into his side and kissed his forehead with a loud muah sound. Regulus hummed in satisfaction and added “Really? Like what?”

“Well, then it wouldn’t be a surprise.” He swayed their clasped hands back and forth and his heart swelled with an unsurmountable joy. In these moments, with Regulus, he felt unstoppable, like the world was at his feet and he could swallow it whole. Like no amount of sadness could touch them. Suspended in time and space. Like two pieces of an infinite puzzle. Nothing to solve and nothing to change.

Soon enough they reached the small clearing that James had in mind. He had randomly stumbled upon this place in his animagus form during last week’s full moon. His thought immediately went to Regulus and how much he would love talking to the bunnies that roamed free here and marvel at the perfectly colored butterflies.

Now, the clearing was covered by soft glittering snow, but James quickly caught a glimpse of a rabbit jumping up somewhere in the distance, so he tugged the boy beside him further in.

Regulus moved through the snow, guided by James’ hand that was patiently tugging on him to move faster. He almost slipped and fell once or twice but James was always ready to stop him from plunging face first into the white fluffy snow.

Soon enough they reached two dead tree stumps and Regulus quickly conjured them into little sitting benches. James used his wand to tie the branches behind them together temporarily, to keep their backs safe from the harsh coldness and as they both took their places their hands stayed intertwined. Some days, during breakfast, or class James found himself missing the feeling of constant closeness.

“Okay James. I like you a lot, but I might have to never speak to you again unless you tell me why, for Merlin’s sake, we’re outside, in the middle of November.” Regulus laughed, but James’ heart started loudly, rapidly beating. Because he could imagine those words being a very hurtful thing in the future. He quickly pushed the thoughts away and smiled.

“Okay, okay. I know how much you love animals, right?” Regulus nodded “Well, I heard some students saying they saw rabbits around here, and well……yeah”

Regulus’ eyes softened and his head tilted to the side. His eyes traced every bit of James’ face and the Gryffindor found the whole thing incredibly endearing. “Well, now I can’t hate you, Potter.”

His voice was so soft and so kind. Reserved only for the two of them and James almost melted on the spot, despite the harsh winds. Of course, the optimism never lasted. Not really. Because his head reminded him that none of this was real. It wasn’t because Regulus didn’t know that it all began with a bet. It was tormenting him. Those ugly thoughts. Laughing at him day and night. Screaming. Who would ever love James Potter? Who would want to stay? Why do you always ruin it, James?

“I hope not, love.” He returned a half-smile and he saw the confusion pass over Regulus’ face, he was probably going to ask him what was wrong, but just then James spotted that same rabbit that was now getting closer. “Hey, look!” James whispered and Regulus’ attention got immediately overtaken by the small brown rabbit. His eyes rounded in pure excitement and James’ heart grew warmer.

“Oh, Merlin! He’s so cute!” Reg yelled and the rabbit jumped, scared of the loud noise. Regulus’ eyes widened and he covered his mouth with his free hand, whispering “M’Sorry.” As if he was speaking to the small animal itself.

James buried his hand in his pocket and took out two small carrots that he had stolen from lunch at the Grand Hall. “Here. Use these.” He placed them gently in the Slytherin’s hand and looked up to find an exciting smile beaming at him. James smiled, despite himself.

“I really want to kiss you right now.” Regulus concluded and his breath flew up in the air, gliding through the trees, leaving a mark that they were here, that this moment really happened.

James laughed, but his lips ached, and yelled at him to just lean forward and comply “What for?”

“Just – how can you be so….So poetic?” Regulus was staring at him now, eyes to eyes. Gray to hazel. Winter to summer. Cold to warm. Dark to light.

“So we’re making that an adjective now?” And how could James say no to a request like that? So he leaned forward and placed a long, tender kiss on the boy’s lips. James thought that their first kiss would be the exception. But no. Every kiss with Regulus felt like fresh air. Like he was merely existing in between kisses and he could truly breathe only when sharing Regulus’ air.

When they pulled away from each other, Regulus was quick to place a kiss on James’ cheek and then return his full attention to the brown rabbit, who was still, miraculously, there. And James looked at the boy next to him as he squealed with joy as the rabbit got close enough for him to touch, and then again when it didn’t immediately move away from them but instead let Reg scratch his fur. He also didn’t take his eyes off of him when Regulus turned and said “I think he likes me.” And James said, “Of course he does.” Because who would be crazy enough to not like Regulus Black?

Soon enough the rabbit got scared of a bird flying by way too close and hopped away, taking the second carrot with him. Regulus turned his head and attention to James now and with a soft smile said “Thank you.” And then snuggled closer to the Gryffindor, whose hand instinctively wrapped around his waist to protect him. And they stayed like that for a long time.

It snowed and they sat and watched the tiny, sparkling snowflakes fall and melt into the ground. Winter idealism. And James felt grateful that he could share these moments with this boy. This boy that a few months ago seemed unapproachable, the last person that would sit with James Potter in the cold November weather and feed wild rabbits, and read poetry to. He really couldn’t understand why and how he had gotten so lucky.

And again that brain of his continued pestering. Don’t worry. It will all be over soon. He will learn the truth. One way or another. And you will never see him again. You will never get to study with him at the library and pretend to not want to snog each other. Or to hold him in your arms and keep him safe from every evil this world can come up with as he shares his deepest fears. And it will all have been your fault. All of it. Your fault. Your fault. You will never be good enough for him. Never.

“Hey. If you had to decide right now. Would you go out with Evans?” Regulus asked, but didn’t shift to catch his eyes

“What? Lily?” James wondered where the hell he got that from.

“Well, everyone knows you are deeply obsessed with her. I’m just asking the evident questions.” Regulus shrugged and James felt a knife that he hadn’t known was there twist. He took Regulus’ chin with one hand and turned it so that he was looking into the Slytherin’s storm eyes.

“I wouldn’t, love. Certainly not now.” He surprised even himself at how genuineness dripped from his tongue and the words were sharp. And he knew they were true. He hadn’t thought about Lily at all like that since the first time he had talked to Regulus. 

Regulus averted his gaze and James could tell he wasn’t entirely convinced. He couldn’t blame him. He had been completely in love with Lily for so many years, that it was hard to believe that that could change in a matter of months. But James’ heart knew better. It knew that not only was it possible, but it had happened.

“You don’t have to lie. It’s not like we’re together or anything, anyways.” Regulus said and James could tell he was about to start sulking. He had gotten to know the tell-signs.

He forced Regulus to look at him again with a hand on his cheek and tilted his head, feigning a hurt expression. “We aren’t? Well, I guess then my ‘best boyfriend’ present doesn’t work then.”

Regulus’ eyes widened and his lips parted open. James was once again astonished at how sacred Regulus looked. “Wait – Ar – Are you serious?”

James had been joking. But had he? He found his heart replying to him “Do you want me to be?”

A foolish hope, a religious sin, a forbidden enthusiasm. “Yes.”

A hopeful elation, a breathless laugh, a regal kiss.

And there he stood.

James Potter with his boyfriend.

Afraid of what might come next and utterly enamored with the boy snuggling into his side once more.