Losing Arrangements

Regulus had spent the entire night trying to figure out how the fuck people said he had style. Every piece of clothing that he pulled out of his wardrobe was immediately thrown over his shoulder with frustration. Why was nothing matching?

Barty and Evan had arrived at the dorm after dinner, unlike Regulus who had completely forgotten all of his basic human needs. It's good that he had such caring friends, who were considerate enough to grab a few chicken drumsticks and a spoonful of mashed potatoes for their very distressed roommate.

Unfortunately, they weren't met with the same kindness.

"What the fuck are you laughing about?" Regulus growled at the laughter coming from the opening door.

Barty stopped dead in his tracks, glaring at his friend with utmost disgust.

"What have you done to our beautiful room?" He whisper-yelled and flicked away an invisible tear from his cheek, stumbling towards his bed, hands outstretched, as if he was mourning the loss of his pet. 

"It isn't that beautiful." Evan corrected, however, he did tentatively look towards Regulus, who was now holding his head in between two hands, trying his very hardest not to switch to French and become an insufferable little shit. "Hey…Regulus?" Evan was getting closer, trying to discern whether the situation called for backup. "What's going on?" 

"I just…ugh." Was all Regulus could offer before inviting the desperation in and stumbling back slowly enough to lower himself on the floor, without hurting himself. 

"Okay.." Regulus really didn't deserve them "Well, whatever it is…we can fix it, yeah?" And Evan was now sitting on the cold floor as well, tucking his feet under and propping himself up, placing a comforting hand on his roommate's shoulder. 

Regulus didn't understand why he was so upset about it. It wasn't the first time he had gotten into a clothes crisis. And it wasn't like he really didn't have good clothes. No. Maybe he even had too many. And none seemed like ones James would like.

Wait. Why did that matter? Something was seriously wrong with Regulus' brain for it to start relating fashion sense and James Potter.

"I agreed to the date and I have absolutely nothing to wear." Regulus finally confessed

Barty’s head popped up from where he was laying down and a mischievous smile was already etched on his face when he turned around to look at Regulus.

"Now, did you really? Ugh, Potter is so lucky." And he was back to moping and placing a hand on his forehead. 

Evan sighed and his hand was now rubbing Regulus' up and down, the way he calmed him down during one of his many panic attacks. It was an unspoken reassuring touch, one meaning I've got you. One meaning everything to Reggie.

"Well, we can always go shopping this weekend. I'm sure then you'll find the perfect outfit." It was a good idea. A great one even. If only they had that time.

"The date is tomorrow, Ev." Regulus muttered and that time around Barty jumped up and turned around so fast that he ended up sliding right off of his bed. 

Regulus and Evan spent a good few minutes laughing at the boy who had ultimately managed to look more dramatic by not even trying. "Okay, okay. Yeah, whatever. Moving swiftly on…" Barty tried and the laughter subsided ever so slightly. Apparently, that had been good enough for him because the next time he spoke a smile was fighting its way out. "Wasn't it supposed to be next weekend?" 

"Yeah, I thought so too. But apparently, it's not soon enough for James." Regulus sighed and buried his head back between his arms out of frustration. Even the thought that Potter wanted to see him sooner, made his heart do the weird twisty thing it had taken up doing around the Gryffindor boy recently.  

"Oh.My.God. He's so whipped." Evan uttered, actually speechless for once.

"Yeah, and apparently our beloved Regulus as well. Potter’s now James, huh? Why are you having a crisis over clothes." Barty added with a grin in response to the glare that was sent his way. "Look. These are perfectly optimal."

Regulus tried his hardest not to laugh at the fact Barty was currently holding up a bathing suit in one hand and an empty hanger in the other. 

"But it's just a bathing suit, babe." concluded the oblivious Evan, and Regulus had almost missed the endearing nickname because of the sheer shock of his friend being that innocent. 

Evan seemed to immediately regret his words because his eyes shot straight up at Regulus, whose lips were already curling up at the corners. His terrified gaze then turned to his boyfriend who was still holding up both of his hands, completely unaware of the embarrassment Evan had found himself in.

"What? Why are you both looking at me with two very different expressions? I'm so confused." 

Regulus ignored Barty and turned his attention entirely towards Evan, who was pale as a ghost. "Did it finally happen? Am I finally allowed to acknowledge your relationship?" Regulus had forgotten all about his own love life problems and was now excitedly clapping his hands in front of Evan’s face. 

The face that was adorning an equally confused look. "Wait, you knew?" 

Regulus squeaked at the tiny confirmation and breathless proceeded "I mean, you weren't very subtle, honey." 

Barty seemed to finally get it, because he let out a long breath and dropped his hands to his sides, crawling towards his two friends, sitting by his boyfriend. "Oh thank god. I don't have to deal with hiding anymore." 

Evan shot him an accusatory glare "It was your idea in the first place moron!" 

Barty simply smiled and placed a kiss on the red cheek that was closest to him. Regulus tried his hardest not to combust of cuteness"Great. Now that that's settled. Back to the outfit."

"Barty, that is literally a swimsuit," Regulus said as if they hadn't already been aware. 

“Yeah, but I bet Potter will go absolutely feral.” Barty exclaimed and winked at the boy who was fighting off another fit of laughter.

“Oh come on, Reggie. There must be something that you want to wear.” Evan turned to his friend, completely ignoring the stupid comment his boyfriend had just made.

“Well, I guess I could always wear some jeans and a shirt.” Regulus concluded, bunching his shoulders up and grimacing at the way Evan’s breath hitched and his throat and Barty’s throat croaked with a weird, theatric sound. “What?”

“No. Absolutely not. I’m not letting you leave the castle dressed like that.” That was all Evan said before pushing himself up from the floor and striding towards his own wardrobe. “I’ll give you my precious blazer if I have to.”

“You act as if I’m going to be rolling in the dirt the whole day.” Regulus said, a little bit offended at the way his friend had insinuated he would ruin such a fine piece of luxury.

“Well, I don’t know what you and Potter might get up to…” Evan trailed off and the boy that was still sitting next to Regulus barked out a loud laugh and stood up, moving towards his bed, dragging Regulus up with him.

*****

It was 9:30 and students of all ages were rushing past a very cold Regulus, holding hands or moving in big groups, laughing at a joke one of them had said. Regulus loved watching people. He found them excitingly interesting. Mind you, interesting to watch, observe, and assume. Not talk to. No. That was less than desirable.

Evan and Reg had settled on layering a dark green vest over a white loose shirt and pairing it with some beige pants, much to Barty’s annoyance at how little skin was showing. He had insisted on unbuttoning the top two buttons on Regulus’ shirt so that he could at least see some collarbone. Their room was a mess and even after trying to add one more shirt underneath, Regulus was still somehow cold. Of course, he was. He was always cold. But there was no time to go back and grab a jacket. His friends had ushered him out of the door so suddenly after breakfast that he barely had the time to reach over and grab his bag that he was now nervously tapping his fingers on.

Much to the boy’s surprise not even five minutes later, James Potter came rushing toward him. He was dressed way more appropriately than Regulus, a warm long coat hanging over his brown jeans and beige warm sweatshirt.  His cheeks were flushed pink from the harsh autumn air and James bent over, trying to catch his breath as if he had just run a long marathon.

Regulus watched him for a few moments, appreciating the way his sweatshirt had ridden up and revealed a little bit of tanned skin underneath, still warm from many happy summer days, he presumed. James was breathing normally again when he looked down to find Regulus’ eyes quickly withdrawing from his abdomen and Regulus cursed his curiosity in his mind.

“Hi.” James added breathlessly again, for some reason, a genuine smile tugging at his lips.

“Hi.” Regulus replied, already feeling his own cheeks heating up, because of what he believed to be the cold air. Nothing else. “So, you showed up on time.”

James averted his gaze and began walking towards the big doors that would lead the pair outside of the castle and into Hogsmeade. “Yeah. You threatened me, remember?”

Regulus was looking at him with a bemused grin and swatted at his arm with a snort-like laugh “Did not!”

James didn’t seem at all affected by the gesture and simply continued grinning like the maniac he was “We remember it differently then.”

There was a few moments of silence that followed, filling the space between them and enveloping them in a bubble of security and comfort. They passed quite a few groups of students, who usually paid them no mind, as they were too engulfed in whatever dramatic retelling of a not-so-thrilling story one of them was spewing. Some looked though. Their gazes were mixed. Curiosity and surprise. Seeing these two individuals certainly must be a sight to behold, Regulus thought. James Potter strolling with a stupid grin plastered on his face right beside the Slytherin lost in thought.

“Where are we going exactly?” Regulus broke the silence and turned towards the boy next to him with a questioning look as he noticed they weren’t moving on the usual path anymore. He had gone to Hogsmeade a few times before. Mostly with his friends or by himself. He had never seen the path they were now on.

“You’ll see.” James answered and after noticing the skeptical look that took over the Slytherin’s face he added “I just don’t want to be around the hassle of so many people. I know you don’t like it.”

Something in Regulus melted. No one had really ever offered to do something, just because Regulus would like it. Not even his friends. Regulus didn’t blame them. He didn’t expect it. It wasn’t something he had ever really thought about either. Not until now.

“Oh. Okay.” Was all he could mutter, wondering how he was ever cold in the first place.

They walked for a few more minutes before a small clearing came into view. It was a small empty space,  a small bench seemingly set in stone in the middle of it. It was also high enough by now that a marvelous view of Hogwarts was splayed in between the autumn leaves of the trees around it. Regulus’ breath caught in his throat. It looked like some places he would read about in his poetry book. The ones that inspire poets, the ones that changed people’s lives, the ones Regulus dreamed to one day see. And James had led him to one of his dreams. Orange, red, and yellow mixed with the brown barks of trees and the old marble tiles, that even chipped in some corners, had been able to withstand years of visitors. How many people had found themselves here, sitting on this same bench? Had his mother maybe sat there? When she had still been young and innocent. Not cruel yet.

“What do you think?” James’ voice carried through the trees and Regulus had to remind himself this wasn’t a fairytale

“Are you kidding me?” Regulus looked at James for a second before walking towards the small nature-made balcony that overlooked the place he had called home for the past 6 years of his life “How do you know about this place?”

Regulus had leaned forward and a swift breeze had caressed his face, his eyes closing and his nose breathing in the fresh air, silence overwhelming him. When Regulus opened his eyes, James was standing next to him, looking out onto the view that was still just as breathtaking.

“Me and Sirius, we went to Hogsmeade in our second year to steal some candy from Honeydukes and I got lost and somehow ended up stumbling upon this. I usually come here to clear my head.” James turned his body around and leaned himself against the makeshift railing that made Regulus’ heart flutter with anxiety. “You still haven’t answered.”

Regulus looked up and his mind raced to remember the question that he was seemingly forgetting about. His eyes lit up “Of course, James. I love it. It’s….” He tried to find the right word. One that would encompass everything his heart was struggling to feel. One word wasn’t enough.

“It’s?” James asked and Regulus unintentionally rolled his eyes. He found himself doing a lot more things instinctively around James.

“It’s….poetic.” He concluded and something about the word felt right. Because this moment was exactly like poetry. It was wonderful and fascinating and it would take years to truly appreciate its beauty.

“Poetic….” James repeated, moving to sit on the bench, taking Regulus’ hand in his own and gently guiding both of them to the small sitting place that had seen just as much love as it had sorrow.

They sat there for a long time, talking about things as if was a normal day under the oak tree, but something about the way their hands were still intertwined, and the way their voices were low, almost a whisper felt more intimate. Like they were trying not to break the magic that had settled over them. Like everything was fragile, new territory, not yet explored. And Regulus’ whole body felt more relaxed and alive than it had been in a long time.

He listened intently to what James was saying. The silly stories of pranks his friends had played on Slughorn, the quiet laughs and faraway looks when he was recounting old childhood summer memories, something soft and tingly would grow in Regulus’ belly. Everything James said would move into a little compartment in his brain, tucked away from the rest of his chaotic thoughts, a sacred little space, dedicated to keeping it safe.

And James asked questions as well. At first, Regulus was hesitant. He loved hearing about other people and their lives, but when it came to himself, he didn’t want to share too much. He didn’t want to burden others with the absence of happy memories, or the abundance of guilt. But as he started talking, he looked at James, who was soaking in every word. Listening and showing his emotions bluntly, unapologetically, without trying to cover up his anger, or disgust, or curiosity, Regulus started to feel safer. He knew he could trust James with this. He wouldn’t burden him. Because no matter how much rain falls, the Sun is still the Sun. Even after storms.

Just as they were talking about getting up and actually rejoining society a fluffy orange cat strolled over to the bench the pair was sitting on, looking rightfully like autumn. It twisted its tail around Regulus’ leg and nudged his other with its head, moving his tiny body against Regulus. Who in turn almost squeaked at the sight of the tiny animal, blessing him with its presence.

James had apparently not even noticed the cat. Not until Regulus brought it up to his lap and started stroking its head with one hand and scratching its belly with the others. He looked up from the cat to see a small, soft smile etched on the Gryffindor’s face, who was gazing upon the two of them with pure adoration.

“I love cats. I would quite literally die for cats.” Regulus decided to explain his unexpected joy and James just shook his head with a short laugh.

“So I get it, you wouldn’t die for me then. Since I’m not a cat.”

Regulus smiled at him and glanced back down towards the cat “Maybe after a few more dates Potter.” He was getting bold.

James was silent for a few seconds and Regulus’ heart was about to start pounding, anxiety running its course when James’ voice put an immediate end to it all “Noted.”

They stayed for a little bit longer. Regulus petted the cat that was now comfortably burying itself into the green vest Regulus would have to wash at least five times since Evan was very allergic to cats. And James watching, deep in thought, not even noticing the Slytherin boy who was glancing up at him through half-closed eyes and getting just as lost.

Eventually, the cat got bored of sitting in one place and neatly jumped off the bench and silently strutted away into the forest surrounding Hogsmeade. Regulus bid his goodbyes and along with an immensely amused James, walked towards Honeydukes, ready to buy the treats he promised his friends. He bought five packets of Exploding Bonbons for Barty, three Pumpkin Pasties for Evan, Crystalized Pineapple for Pandora, and two Chocolate frogs for Dorcas. James also insisted on getting him something so he chose some Toffees and a Chocolate wand.

They were soon out of the candy shop, as many students had apparently decided to storm it at the exact same time and Regulus had gotten very uncomfortable.

The day had passed by quicker than they had expected and their plans to go to the Three Broomsticks were left for another day. If there would be one, Regulus reminded himself.

They had talked all the way through the walk back to the castle and by the time they were able to get inside, the sky had turned dark and ominous. There was barely any memory of the beautiful day that had passed, except the ones on both of the boys’ minds.

As they came to a halt in the corridor, two paths leading to their respective dormitories, James shuffled his feet awkwardly barely looking up as he spoke “Thank you Regulus. I had a great time today.”

Regulus felt his fingers nervously tapping on his bag and as the shyness he had felt at the beginning of the day returned, he said “I’m the one who should be thanking you, James. Today was…amazing. Thank you.” His voice sounded unbelievably soft and James’ gaze snapped up just in time to catch the remnants of a shy smile on Regulus’ face.

Then James didn’t say anything. Regulus wanted him to. He really did. He didn’t realize when the space between them had disappeared. Did it happen when they were talking? Or was it just now? His brain didn’t have time to catch up before he found himself leaning forward. Trying to do what?

Understanding hit him like a brick in the head and the shocking truth that James was also leaning forward knocked the air out of his lungs completely. He was so close. They were so close. James’ lips were right there. A little push from destiny and they would be touching. A little luck and they would be melting against each other. So close…

But no. Not like this. He can’t do it like this. He won’t do it like this. Regulus won’t kiss the boy he was now realizing was very infatuated with because of a bet. Not while the bet was still just as relevant.

So with all the strength, he could muster, he turned his head and kissed James’ cheek instead. It was the hardest thing he had to do all year. It was still sweet. It still sent a shiver running down his spine. The feeling of contact of his lips on James’ skin settled in his brain and threatened to never leave. He never wanted it to end. He wanted more. He needed more. But he couldn’t. Not like this.

He pulled away and just like that his lips still felt like they were on fire. If this was how a simple kiss on his cheek felt, then how would a real kiss be? He really wanted to know, but all he did, with a soft smile, is turn away and move down the corridor, leaving, yet again, a speechless, blushing James behind, not daring to look back. He didn’t know if he could resist his wants if he did.

He moved with purpose. Because he would rather lose a bet than have to kiss James Potter and have it be fake.

No. He wouldn’t have it.