Losing Arrangements

SUMMER 1984 – Narcissa Malfoy’s house

Regulus and his cousin had been talking for what felt like ages. They’d talked about everything and nothing in particular. Somehow the conversation had returned to their days back in Hogwarts. Regulus had kept most of the memories locked away, tucked in the furthest corner of his twisted mind. After all, most of them were clothed in layers of trauma that he himself was still working through. Narcissa was bouncing little Draco on her knee after the boy had gotten tired of playing with his uncle’s hair ties and decided to bother his mother instead.

“There has to have been some good memories at Hogwarts, Reg.” Narcissa had just finished telling her cousin about the time Lucius had gotten drunk and proposed to her with twisted-up toilet paper. That was a week after they met. “Even I remember some rumors about my dearest cousin in his sixth year. Come onnn! I just shared my whole life and I know you’re dying to tell me about yours now?”

It was true. Regulus hadn’t talked to anyone outside of his circle in a long time. And Narcissa was right. There had been quite a few happy moments. Especially in his last two years.

“Okay, Cissy. Just ‘cause you asked so nicely.” He gave her a small wicked smile, all Blacks had mastered at the age of 4 and after taking a deep, calming breath, he began “It all started sixth year…”

*****

Why did he say that?

Why? Why?

Regulus felt like ripping his whole face off. Now James was for sure going to try and ask him out tomorrow. Did Regulus want that? The words had slipped out of his mouth before he even processed what they were insinuating.

Regulus made his way towards the dungeons, trying his hardest not to fall flat on his arse, because of the million miles per hour that his head was running at. The minute he stepped foot into the Slytherin common room, he made his way straight toward his dorm. He begged any God out there that his friends had decided to hang out here during their free period.

The boy blew out a breath he didn’t know he was holding as he saw both of his roommates laying on the floor, books sprawled out beside them, left forgotten. Evan had his head resting on top of one of Barty’s folded arms and they were both so close to each other that at any other angle it would look like they were snogging. As soon as they heard the door opening and someone stepping inside, it was like they were both shocked by an invisible force that separated them a few feet apart. Regulus scoffed at the pathetic sight. As if he didn’t know. But decided not to say anything. Their shameful smiles were enough awkwardness for him already. He flopped down on his bed only bothering to kick off his shoes and throw his bag on the floor.

He could almost hear the questioning glances that were being exchanged between his friends, behind his back. “Hey, Reg…You okay?” Barty said with the voice he used when he thought Regulus could break at any point. Regulus hated that voice. It was full of pity and sadness. But it was also that same voice that had comforted him more times than he could count when flashbacks of his childhood attempted to drown him on dry land.

Regulus didn’t answer. Maybe because he was ashamed of how much James Potter had infiltrated his mind and just wouldn’t fucking let go. He didn’t know when he started thinking of James as a friend or comparing him to the Sun. He had been trying for the past week to pinpoint the exact moment where he stopped the stupid Gryffindor boy and he just never could figure it out. Even worse. Not only did he not hate James Potter, but he also…Regulus shuddered in his bed as the thought made its presence known… He might even like James Potter.

Regulus felt the dip of his bed as someone sat down at the edge of it. Tentatively, cautiously.

“Does this have anything to do with your parents Regulus?” Barty had apparently given up, so now Evan was trying his luck in getting their friend to communicate his feeling.

That’s when Regulus decided to stop pouting and using the little energy he had left, he pushed himself out of the position he was currently in and rested his back against the dark green wall. If anything, Slytherins have style, Regulus thought.

“No. No, don’t worry. It’s stupid.” He said and saw the relief flood both of his roommates’ faces. When Regulus was having one of his attacks or just generally any kind of flashbacks from his childhood, he was turbulent, angry, desperate. At least this time, it wasn’t that.

Barty now approached the bed and sat down on the floor resting his head against Evan’s legs, looking at Regulus with a look of confusion. Honestly, they were not being subtle at all. “Well, then what is it?”

“Nothing.” It came out sounding sharp and cold, and Regulus bit back a stream of self-loathing thoughts. “Sorry. I- it’s stupid. You can go back to snogging on the floor. Don’t mind me.” He hoped the change of subject would be enough to take his mind off of things. Barty looked less than impressed.

“First of all, we weren’t snogging, we were studying. Even though I know Evan is dying to kiss me.” He said and looked up at the boy sitting on the edge of the bed with big puppy eyes and in response got a huff of air and a tiny slap across the head. “Ouch. I’ll take that as a yes. And second of all, whatever it is, it’s bothering you. So it’s not stupid. Talk to us.”

Why was he so good at giving speeches, Regulus would never know. His chest felt heavy, when just minutes before, under the tree, he started to love, he felt weightless like he was floating. He hated that he couldn’t find another reason for that happiness except for his brother’s best friend. The boy he was supposed to hate. The boy he desperately wanted to feel indifferent towards. Because if he didn’t then-

“Wait…does this have to do with the infamous James Potter. Perhaps?” Evan’s question seemed more like a statement and Regulus really wished he could answer with a simple ‘no’.

“How do you know about Potter?” Regulus inquired

“Well, Barty might have mentioned seeing you and Potter practically all over each other last week.” Was all Evan decided to respond and Regulus threw a dirty look toward a very non-remorseful Crouch.

Barty put his hands up and with exaggerated syllables sighed “Heeeyy…don’t blame me. I was just telling it how it is. You can’t murder a guy for being truthful.”

“I think many monarchs wouldn’t agree. And we weren’t all over each other. Potter has been pestering me all week, trying to ask me out.” The words slipped faster than Reg could stop them and he suddenly felt sick. Because his friends were looking at him like they’d just seen an alien.

“WHAT?!” they both shouted at the same time and Regulus tried his hardest to shush them so as to not alert every Slytherin within range. What followed was a flurry of questions and exclamations about how this was the best gossip this year. “That’s insane-“ being cut by “I thought he was just joking-“  Barty was breathless „I can’t believe you didn’t tell us!”  Evan trying to keep calm, but his voice was climbing dangerously high “When-“  Barty was about to start crying with laughter “How long was-“

“Oh shut up already. Please” Regulus hissed and the other two boys immediately dropped their thoughts mid-sentence. “I’m sure it’s all a prank so calm down.”

Barty and Evan exchanged an unsure look that seemed to be a universal language between Slytherins.  “Okay, he swears it isn’t a joke and all. And of course, I didn’t believe him – not at first at least – but – but now I’m not sure- and I – I just...” the sentence was left unfinished and Regulus had no idea how he would have finished it anyways.

The stunned silence that fell over the group was broken by the grin that made its way onto Barty’s face. “Does our little Reggie-bear have a huge, gross crush on a Gryffindor?”

Usually, Regulus would look up in horror but his heart didn’t feel that necessary so he only shook his head and let out a breathy laugh “As if. No, but I kind of, maybe, slightly told him I would accept when he asks me tomorrow.” The intonation of the statement turned into a fearful? No hopeful question.

Evan was now the one to smirk in his direction, then proceeded to lightly turn his head towards his ‘friend’ and Regulus could see the cogs in their brains turning, a silent conversation passing between them. “Whatever you are thinking, the answer is no.” And he was being completely honest. He loved his friends more than he would ever be able to express with words, but they weren’t the most brilliant sort. Their ideas never led anywhere good.

Evan sharply turned his eyes towards Regulus and smiled reassuringly. Regulus was not reassured. “See, now here Reggie. We can have our own fun with this. We’re all sure it’s another one of his group’s pranks, right?” He waited for an answer and even if Regulus’ heart wasn’t sure, his mind knew better, so he nodded his head up and down in agreement. Barty’s lips curled up and with a careful nod, looked straight into Reg’s eyes. There was something suspicious dancing in the irises of Crouch’s eyes but Regulus decided not to think too much of it.

Evan seemed satisfied with the answers as he continued “Great. So, how do you feel about a friendly bet?” Evan was usually the voice of reason in their group. Whenever Regulus and Barty got into trouble, Evan was the one getting them out of it. So the alarms in Regulus’ brain started blaring at him with bright flashing lights. He, however, had the bad habit of trusting his brain more and not nearly enough of his instincts.

“I’m listening….”

Evan beamed at him before explaining “I bet you can get Potter to snog you in less than a week. And I’m willing to put three spleefs on the line.” His eyebrow was cocked and his head tilted to the side. Cunning. A typical representation of their house. Regulus thought he would be more taken aback by the blunt accusation, but surprisingly that wasn’t what he was suspicious about.

“A WEEK?” He yelled “Are you mental? How am I supposed to do that?” Well everyone had heard them now, that’s for sure.

Barty, who had been silent up until that point, barked out a mocking laugh “Reg. Are you kidding me? Potter is completely whipped! And if this turns out not to be a prank I will bet money on him proposing next month.”

Regulus turned towards his other friend “Ohhh…as if. But you know what? Fine. I’m betting against it. A week is just too little time.” Regulus stretched out his hand and Evan reached to take it. His grasp was firm, like a true future businessman. He shook his hand twice. The perfect amount, his father had taught him. Before they could let go, Barty placed one of his own hands on top of theirs and grinned like a child looking at ice cream.

“What?” he said as he noticed the confused expressions of his roommates “I’m in on the bet as well.”

A pause. “Wait, did you really just forget me?”

Thankfully, before Barty could fall into one of his usual temper tantrums, the door leading to the hall opened, and in entered Dorcas and Pandora. Two of his other friends who usually hung out in his room as well.

Dorcas closed the door after Pandora, who lightly floated into the room as if she was gliding in the air. Dorcas was a year older than the rest of them and too often Regulus thought of her as an older sister. He had always wanted one and in the first few years, she had been the only one to understand what he was going through at home. She was always wiser than most people their age. She was also the first one to know about Regulus being gay. That had been one hell of a mess. His parents were not happy.

Pandora was a Ravenclaw girl. An unexpected friendship had blossomed between them during his third year and ever since then, Pandora has basically switched houses because she spends every free moment with the rest of them. They always joked about asking Dumbledore to switch her with a random Slytherin girl. It would probably work. She was smart, yes. But there was a mischievousness about her that very few people saw, but it was there. Regulus’ heart always found a soft spot for her.

“We heard yelling. What the fuck are you up to now?” asked Dorcas as she followed Pandora towards Regulus’ bed and sat down in front of her. Pandora’s hands immediately tangled themselves in the curly black hair, trying to make tiny braids. It was their routine almost, Regulus had noticed.

“Oh, well. See Reggie here was telling us about a little affair and we……” Barty had suddenly forgotten all about his previous frustration and the group spent the next few hours until dinner talking and laughing at Regulus’ love life.

And even though Regulus felt a little bit betrayed by their loose lips and mocking smiles, he couldn’t help but feel loved. As he looked around the room, he was met with kind eyes, lazy smiles, and loud laughs. And he knew he would give his life for any of them. Anytime. Not that he would confess that out loud. But they knew. They’ve always known.

*****

Naturally, all of his friends had insisted on attending breakfast the next morning, even if they made sure Regulus knew it was his fault they were exhausted. When they entered the Great hall, Barty elbowed Regulus in his side and nodded his head towards the Gryffindor table in the middle of the giant dome-shaped room.

And surely enough James Potter was sat in the middle of it, surrounded by his goon of friends, notably Sirius lying on top of his boyfriend Remus’ shoulder, basically drooling all over his robe. Remus didn’t seem to mind as much as he was deep in conversation with James, stopping only to wrap a hand around Sirius’s waist and tugging him towards his body if he started to slip. Regulus hated to admit it, but the whole scene was adorably endearing. He longed for a closeness like the one they naturally had.

James’ eyes suddenly snapped up and he turned around as someone called his name, in search of the voice that had called out to him, only for his gaze to freeze in space when his eyes found those of the Slytherin boy tapping nervously on the strap of his bag.

Regulus felt his breath hitch. It was electrifying, magnetic. He wanted to look away, to shy away from those striking hazel eyes, but he couldn’t. Not when James was looking at him like that. Any grasp that Regulus had on time and space was suddenly ripped from his clenched hands. There was no one around them, he thought. Not one single other person mattered at that moment. There was only James. James was looking at him like he was the world like he was trying to find stars in his hair, on his cheeks, in his eyes.

It was only when Dorcas lightly placed her hand on his shoulder and guided him towards the Slytherin table and his eyes left those of the boy he was supposed to not like that the trance he was in broke. “It was funny at first, but then it got really pathetic.” Dorcas said when Regulus looked at her with confusion. He had somehow missed all of his friends moving past him and taking their seats for breakfast and had been standing like a complete idiot in the middle of the Great hall. God. Why was this happening to him? He was at least grateful that no one else mentioned it as he sat down and piled up as many cinnamon rolls as he could on his plate. They were his favorite.

Thankfully Potter didn’t get up and stroll over to their table, embarrassing Regulus to a whole new level. He prayed that James would ask when they were alone. He was sure he had already mentioned he doesn’t like big public scenes. They make him uncomfortable. And even though his friends complained about it for the rest of the day, Regulus felt immensely grateful.

It wasn’t until his last class that he saw James again. And this time, Regulus knew. This was it. Because Potter was walking with such conviction towards the big oak tree, hands in his pockets, that stupid smile already plastered on his face. Regulus couldn’t fathom why something that used to infuriate him so much had so quickly become his favorite part of the day.

James cautiously approached the sitting figure that was once again entranced by the poetry book, neatly bandaged up with tape. Regulus remembers when he first got the book.

The night he had knocked on the door of his cousin, soaking wet from the rain that was pouring down outside, blood still staining his shirt. He had tried removing it, so as to not scare his cousin into cardiac arrest, but his broken hand wasn’t letting him do much. That was the night Regulus had finally stood up to Mother, the night he had escaped, and started his new life. After bandaging him up and getting him to a professional healer, they had stopped at a nearby bookstore, as the rain had started gain. Regulus was ruminating on his own misery when he stumbled upon the poetry section. He hadn’t read much poetry back then. And yet, something caught his eye in that book and he would read it every single night. And every time he opened it, he found something new about himself.

The feeling of James’ shoulder brushing against his own is what ultimately managed to brush away the memories that were hanging over Regulus’ head like stormy clouds. Suddenly a light as bright as that of the Sun crept its way into his heart and before long the sunshine multiplied when James started speaking “You look good today.”

Regulus was silenced for the first time. He usually always had a snarky comment ready in the back of his mind. Especially around James. But that took him by surprise. He couldn’t remember the last time he had heard those words sounding so sincere and being addressed to him. “I – uhh – thank you.” He settled.

There were a few moments of comfortable silence. Something Regulus had surprisingly found, James liked as well. He always used to think of James as a loud, obnoxious, arrogant boy. But if being constantly pestered by the Gryffindor has shown him anything, it’s that James Potter was much more than that.

“Okay. Spit it out.” Started Regulus, practically feeling the restlessness in James’ heart. The boy was basically jumping with excitement.

James tried looking down at him with a confused expression, but as soon as he understood that Regulus wasn’t going to be fooled, his lips curved up into a bright smile and his eyes glinted with something Regulus couldn’t quite put his finger on. It was a breathtaking sight. For sure.

“Okay then.” James said and took a deep breath, as if to prepare himself. As if this was the most important thing he had done this year. And that was simply ridiculous. “You said the answer might be different today. That doesn’t mean you should feel pressured to say yes – and I would completely understand if – if you didn’t” Regulus gave him a sharp look and James seemed to get it because the next sentence came out of his mouth in a single breath and went by so quick that if Regulus didn’t always pay attention to Potter, he would’ve certainly missed. “Would you like to go out with me to Hogsmeade this weekend?”

Regulus shook his head in exasperation at the idiotic bravery these Gryffindors had. His mind quickly focused on a single detail though “Wasn’t it next weekend?”

James looked taken aback by the lack of answer but quickly shook it off and added “Yeah, but it’s too far away honestly.” There was a sheepish smile creeping up on his face and then the most wonderful thing ever happened. Two small dimples showed themselves and Regulus felt like he was drowning under the pure amount of happiness that overtook his soul. James’ lips parted a little in response to the face Regulus was probably pulling right now. But Reg didn’t care. All he wanted was to be the reason those dimples showed up again.

But James was waiting for an answer and for the first time in a long few years, Regulus’ soul took charge of his lips, his brain, his eyes, and with a smile that he didn’t know he was capable of, his voice rang out in the silence of the autumn afternoon. “Yeah.”

And James sucked in a sharp breath. Took it from his own lungs because didn’t think he was breathing anymore. James was properly beaming and his hands twitched at his sides as if he wanted to reach out. To find Regulus and put him back together again. And Regulus wished he would.

But James didn’t and Regulus decided it was for the best.  “Really?” James’ voice came out stronger than before as if it was trapped in a box before hearing the Slytherin’s words.

“Yes, James. Really.” And Regulus’ lips produced a sound he hadn’t heard in a long time. A genuine laugh. Not a forced one. Not a fake one. A real laugh. And James’ stupid grin was the reason for it.

As if it was possible, James’ eyes doubled in size and he let out a laugh of his own that was mixed with surprise and…something else. Regulus couldn’t tell what it was. Not yet.

“Wait for me tomorrow in front of the Great hall. Got it?” Regulus asked as he stood up, slinging his bag over his shoulder and walking towards the castle, leaving a breathless James behind.

Before completely disappearing from view he yelled back “And don’t be late Potter. Or I will murder you.”

And with one last look back, he tried to memorize the way James’ lips curved in a smile. Then he was gone.

*****

When Regulus entered the castle, the severity of what had just happened hit him like a train. He had tied himself to the tracks. And the date was tomorrow. Fuck. Shit. Shit.

He had nothing to wear.