solfège

Regulus asked Benjy to drive him back. At first, Benjy insisted on him staying but he must have noticed how distressed Regulus looked. They went back to Benjy’s shiny car. The whole time Regulus hadn’t taken his eyes off the window, ignoring every time Benjy touched his leg or tried to start the conversation.

“Alright, tell me what’s up”

“No, I won’t”

A car stopped in a dark corner, and Benjy threw his keys in the back seat “Yes you will”

“vous êtes vraiment énervant” Regulus hissed, not even realizing he switched languges “Peut-être, réfléchis-y, je ne veux pas parler à un étranger de ma vie personnell3e?” (You’re so annoying; maybe, think about it, I don’t want to tell stranger about my personal life?)

“Alright sunshine” he laughed “Alright” and with the deep sight drove away. When the car stopped, Regulus aggressively got out but despite his anger still gently closed the door. He went straight to his room, tears wetting his barely visible freckles.

He felt weird. Regulus laid down almost immediately, how stupid was he? Thousands thought at once and almost every last one of them was about his brother. Sleeplessness took hold of his body soon, Regulus stayed up the whole night playing “my black flowers”, he played and played, his body language got tenser, his eyes were shut, how angry he was, how could he even let Potter be so close, he hated the fact that he would absolutely follow Potter to his house if he never found out his identity. That was Sirius’s best friend, he was supposed to be a villain in Regulus’s story. An evil wizard that corrupted Sirius’s mind, filled his head with a bunch of bullshit and swooned him off his feet. He was supposed to be vicious, arrogant, a human being that despised Regulus for just breathing, not a guy that complimented your crop top at the bar. How much he hated Potter

Everything was going so well but of course, he had to mess up his life, yet again. Regulus, already long lost in his rage, didn’t even realize that he started playing Moonlight’s sonata. His fingers were dancing on the piano’s keys, and the composition sounded as furious as him. Regulus’s rage had an impact on usually gentle notes, it still had the same affections sound but mixed up with despair and confusion.

Sirius

That who he truly missed, that who he tried to forget but can one forget his own blood? No matter how much he tried, he still can hear Andromeda’s laugh, taste the chocolate candy that Alphrad gave to him, hear Sirius’s screams, and hear Bellatrix and Narcissa's yelling matches.

tu veux être comme eux Regulus? (You want to be like them Regulus?)

“Quel?”

Répondez-moi, voulez-vous être comme eux ? (answer me do you want to be like them?)

“Oui” he whispered, his hands started playing faster with every whisper, the sound was changing with every new emotion “s'il vous plaît, plus que tout” (Yes; Please more than anything)

N'arrête pas de jouer alors (don’t stop playing than)

So Regulus doesn’t stop. He knew that they weren’t as talented as him, that their minds didn’t work like his but Regulus couldn’t help it. He didn’t care about talent, he would trade piano for a mindset like theirs. He wanted freedom, he wanted to break free, he really fucking wanted to. So he doesn’t stop, but the pain became unbearable soon, his hands were no longer under Regulus’s control, he couldn’t anymore so he stopped.

Dommage (shame)

“Non, s'il te plaît, ne pars pas” Regulus whispered loudly, he started playing again “See? Je peux encore jouer, ne- don’t go” his tone became louder “Explain yourself, what do you mean? Fucking explain” Regulus was sobbing violently, his hands still falling on the piano from time to time “Please”

He started breathing weirdly. Regulus finally decided that it was time for a break. As he sat on his couch, with nothing but his boxers, he buried his face in his knees, Regulus was tired, maybe sleep wouldn’t have been too bad.

—------------------------------------

When Regulus woke up, the first thing he did was wash his face, he then put his hands in the cold water, only to bandage them after. It turns out he made a mistake making food his last priority, Regulus changed and wrote down a quick list for grocery shopping.

Regulus’s stared at his new neighbor's door for a while, he should apologize to Benjy, the older boy was just trying to be nice after all.

Not today though. He put on his headphones and walked away from his apartment. On the way, he was met by a small bookstore, who would have blamed him if he went inside?

The bookstore was colorful and warm, it looked comforting. Regulus picked out ‘Villette’ by Charlotte Brontë and ‘Gravity's Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon. He smiled sadly, usually Regulus went to bookstores with his best friend, but then he dropped out because of the family business, and Pandora got disowned. It’s been a year since they stopped talking since he stopped calling her.

Pandora was one of the best people alive, was a type that liked to wander around the forest for fun, she used to run outside when the rain was starting, she would look right in your soul would know if you were a shitty person but still smile at you regardless. Pandora always searched for deeper meaning, she always had the most ridiculous things to say, always smiled dreamily, she was the best thing that had happened to Regulus and he regretted letting her go. One word from Orion and Walburga was enough for him to smother the only good things in his life.

It was her birthday soon, her first birthday that they would celebrate separately. He should probably pick out something for her, maybe an animal picture book. She would like it.

Regulus was deep lost in his thoughts when he felt someone’s touch from behind. He jumped, causing him to drop both of his books “Shit sorry” said an unfamiliar voice “I didn’t mean to” he laughed “Uh here” and handed Regulus his books back

“It’s fine” Regulus removed his headphones “Did you need something?”

“Yes actually, you look like you read,” Boy said with a shameless smile “I’m Barty”

“Tu es un cinglé, I do ye”

“pas de merde” His smile became broader and more mischievous than before, Regulus slightly nodded in approval so Barty continued “I’m looking for a gift, for my friend Pandora-”

“Lestrange?” Regulus blurred out, he didn’t want to get his hopes up but if there was a chance “You mean Pandora Lestrange?”

“You know Panda?” and suddenly Regulus’s whole face lit up, a smile that, usually you would never see on him, was now printed on him “I do ye,” he said eagerly “We were friends back in school” Barty gave him a confused look “Hi, I’m Regulus Black”

“Fuck off, you’re Regulus? Like Regulus the Reggie Black? One that completely ghosted Pandora after she got disowned?” He smiled cruelly with no empathy in his voice

“My family wouldn’t appreciate me still being friends with her, do you have her number?”

“Why would I give it to you? You know how many times she cried because of you?” Barty talked silently, as if he, himself hasn’t decided what to do

“For fuck’s sake, you think I had the choice? Just give me her fucking number” he snapped and added quite ‘please’ later

“You had a choice, you just chose the safest one” Barty sighed “She never changed it”

Oh

Oh

“I didn’t know,” he said “I didn’t know”

“Honestly I don’t give a fuck, let’s go” Barty took out his pack and lighter, and he looked at Regulus who was standing still. Regulus’s wanted to rip his heart out, maybe then he wouldn’t feel so shitty. She has never changed her number, all this time. Regulus would stare at his phone for hours, but he never dared to call it

He didn’t know. That’s right, he didn’t know, he thought she moved one and -

“Come on I can’t smoke here”

“What?”

“Let’s o outside, it’s illegal to smoke here” Barty repeated slowly like he was talking to a five-year-old, Regulus definitely hated him

“Sure,” he said bitterly, they were behind some old building, Barty was sitting on the stairs, he looked calm and unbothered, Regulus wished he could relate “You’re not about to beat me up are you?”

“Nah, you probably get that enough at home”

“I have a sudden urge to punch you”

“Get in the line Black,” He said with an ugly snort

“I will Croach” Regulus successfully hid his smirk, he knew Barty’s identity the second he heard his name

Barty’s face dropped, and he looked at Regulus like he has seen a ghost “What? How?”

“No one else would have been narcissistic enough to call his son his own name,” He said blankly “Was this supposed to be a secret?”

“No” Barty sighed and offered Rgulus a cig, which he happily accepted, he needed it. Regulus sat next to Barty “You know, she always talks about you, says how talented and amazing you were, calls you a wanker a lot”

“Do you think she hates me?” Regulus asked quietly as he blew smoke at the cloud, he was looking up, it would probably rain today. He hoped she hadn’t changed, Pandora was- she was amazing if what Barty was telling was true then Regulus was destined to hate himself forever because how fucking could he hurt Pandora like that?

“No” was all that Barty said. it was silence after, Barty looked restless like he wanted to ask a question, Regulus didn’t feel like answering it but Barty throwing a quick look at him and then pretending that there was something on his shoes was getting annoying

“Go ahead, what do you want to say?”

“I- well since you know who I am, do you- perhaps you know how my father is?”

Oh, Regulus didn’t expect that “Last time, I saw him two months ago, he had a huge party for all of his co-workers” Regulus tried to remember the details “He looked fine, was laughing and making the worse jokes ever”

Barty looked disappointed “Same as ever I see” he laughed bitterly “As if nothing had happened”

Regulus closed his mouth “yes” he said silently, he could see Barty breaking inside

“Good for him, how’s mom?”

“She looked stressed, came down just once, and then disappeared, she’s gorgeous”

“She is” he smiled lightly “naive too” Barty continued with a light spark in his eyes “She always used to be so kind and understanding, I think my father drove her mad. When I left, we had a huge fight, she passed out, and the bastard didn’t even do anything” the rage that in his voice was unmistakably cussed by hatred, something that Regulus was so familiar with “She looked so- she looked like a lifeless doll, I tried to check her pulse but he- he wouldn’t let me, told me I should get out so I did, after everything that he has done everyone still thinks of him of such a great man and no one seems to understand how much of a prick he actually is”

>Regulus was unsure why Barty was telling him all of this, he knew Bartemus wasn’t a good person, he knew Barty’s father was stupid, “To be fair, your father always talks funny, and his breath always smells, does he even use a toothbrush? Also, he always acts like such an important person but my father could tell him that cats are trying to take over the world and he would fucking believe it”

Silence, Barty was quiet, his eyes haven’t left Regulus, His mouth was slightly open, and as the cig fall on the ground and as Regulus started wondering if he said something wrong, Barty laughed. “You’re right,” he said breathlessly “You’re so fucking right” he threw his arm around Regulus “I like you”

“all it took for you to warm up to me was insulting your dad?”

“Yes”

Regulus’s mind almost imminently went to L'Enfant prodigue, it was so perfect for him, Regulus had never tried playing L'enfant prodigue on the piano before, perhaps he should

“Barty, do you think I should call her?”

“No need,” Barty said casually “You will see her today anyways”

“What do you mean?” Regulus asked, hoping that his guess was wrong, he wasn’t ready, not yet anyways.

“I was supposed to meet up with my friends, that included Pandora Lestrange” Barty started with a sly smile “We were supposed to talk about her birthday party, you know I had a really hard time deciding what to gift Panda”

“You’re very talkative,” Regulus said, clearly trying to hide his nervousness

“And, surprise I see a person that Dora desperately wants to see again, so you are my gift for Pandora”

“Fuck you, no” Walburga would find out, she would have been so mad, Orion- no he can’t, his parents they would murder him, they would be disappointed “No” he, being controlled by fear, proceeded to walk away.

That was the thing about fear, it made most wanted things unwanted. Regulus feared his parents, he feared that if they found out they would take away just given freedom. He couldn’t let this happen, no matter what, Walburga and Orion were cruel, so very cruel

Regulus was angry, stupid, kind of high, and fifteen when he got the taste of cruelty that his father was possessed by. Something has happened at school, Orion picked him up, but he didn’t say anything until they arrived home, which made Regulus angrier, he wanted his father to scold him, lecture him, and yell at him but nothing. Orion was far more interested in radio than in his son’s behavior, Sirius was already long gone and Regulus couldn’t get used to it. He was angry at his parents for letting Sirius go just like that, he was angry at his school for ignoring clear signs of abuse, he was furious with every happy soul on earth, and he had at least six plans to murder James Potter so when they arrived home and when Regulus jumped out of his fathers' expensive car, he roughly slammed the door.

His mistake. Usually, calm Orion that preferred non-physical ways to punish his children, forced Regulus to stay on his knees while he made his hands and back bleed. It was part of the reason why Regulus never wore backless shirts, the scars on his back never healed, the stik was hot, and Regulus was sure that Orion burned his hands because Regulus couldn’t play for a week. Which disappointed Tom, which meant Walburga’s rage. All because he got out loudly out of his father’s expensive car.

Regulus was afraid “I can’t, Mother will be mad” He didn’t mean to say that, didn’t mean to sound so pathetic

“Don’t be a coward black”

Regulus, who froze on the spot, looked at Barty like he was just one step away to cut his tongue off

Don’t be a coward Reg

That was what Sirius used to say to him. That was what Regulus go instead of goodbye.

Coward? That is what people thought of him, did he not have the right to be scared? Suddenly very frustrated Regulus sat next to Barty

“Why didn’t Pandora change her number?”

“You already know”

Regulus did know, he wished he didn’t care, wished for the feeling of guilt to completely disappear, he closed his eyes, trying to decide what to do next. Regulus didn’t want to do anything, he wanted to lay down and cry out his misery “I miss her”

Just as these words left Regulus’s mouth, Pandora came out of the building. Regulus quickly stood up. Her white blonde hair was still absurdly long, her eyes looked the same, and she was wearing a long white dress that had colorful paint all over it. She looked amused, watching Regulus, not moving, it seemed like she wasn't even breathing

Pandora, with big steps, came closer to Regulus, her eyes were watering, and she was smiling foolishly “Reg” she said softly and punched him right in the face. Well, Regulus didn’t expext that, he rubbed his cheek, ignoring all the dark thoughts that passed his mind. Pandora seemed to just realize what she did “I’m sorry”

“Deserved”

“No” She wrapped her arms around him “Wanker” Pandora was not letting him go, Regulus of course hugged her back “I missed your arse”

“I know, I missed you too”

“I thought you hated me” Pandora’s voice was shaking, “I thought, ‘I’m no longer part of my family and Reg probably hates me now, I left him and he despises me for that’”

“That was never true” Regulus started, trying to cover every emotion he was feeling at the moment “God, you should have known that I could never”

“Why didn’t you call me then?”

“I was scared” he whispered, only for her to hear “I’m sorry”

“I forgive you” She didn’t pull away, she never did. Pandora was the type of person that wanted affection, especially from people she held close to her heart, Pandora and Regulus had found a family type of warmth in one another, they were so unfamiliar with it, and that’s why their hugs always lasted a little longer than others.

“Happy early birthday Dora,” Bary said from behind them “This” he pointed at Regulus “is my gift”
Pandora laughed, and she hugged Barty too “Can’t believe you did that, where did you find him?”

“Well, I found him through social media then reach out and-”
“We accidentally met at the bookstore” Regulus rolled his eyes “Today”
“He had a meltdown three minutes ago”
“He asked me about his dad”
“He gets abused at home”

“I-” Regulus sighed in defense “I have nothing”

“I have something,” Pandora said excitingly, and when both Barty and Regulus looked at her, she took out a small rock “Meet Tommy”

“Nice to meet you Tommy” Barty brought his face closer to a silver rock, he was grinning widely “look how cute it is, where did you find it?” he said like any of this made sense

“I found it yesterday, beside the trash can” her smile became wider “I’m going to draw him today”

“Good luck with that” Barty said “Let’s go now, we have to meet others”

They waited beside the shop when all of a sudden Evan Rosier was standing in front of Regulus “Evan? What the fuck?”

“Regulus mother fucking Black?” Evan sounded as shocked as Regulus “What the fuck indeed” he laughed

“You know Reg?”

“I do ye, our families were uh friends?”

“Like the hell they were”

“They tolerated each other” Evan continued “You see Reg and I go way back”

“No, we don’t”

“Shut up” Evan went for a hug but Regulus declined “You haven’t changed at all,” he said sadly “How’s Kreacher?”

“Fine, how do you know Pandora?” Barty caught dramatically “And Barty?”

“We met at the theater, she was taking care of decorations, and Barty he’s my-”

“Boyfriend” Barty ended his sentence enthusiastically, Regulus could see how happy he looked, how he was practically jumping from excitement, and he went to hug Evan

“It’s pretty new, could never imagine I would be with someone like him,” Evan said with fake disgust “He used to annoy the shit out of me”

“Out of admiration,” said Barty teasingly “Where is Cas?”

“Here, you would probably notice if you two stopped being so disgusting,” A tall woman said. She was wearing high-waisted flare jeans with handily stitched purple flowers and a purple top with a long, brown coat, she had the same silver rings as Regulus, sadly he couldn’t wear them for now. So-called Cas was intensely staring at Regulus’s hands, he noticed and slowly put his hand back in his pockets “I told you two, stop asking random people for a threesome” those words were directed toward Barty and Evan

“What can I say, he’s quite appalling for an eye” Barty smirked

“He is” Evan hugged Regulus from behind “what do you say Reg?”

“He deserves better” Pandora was the one who spoke, he grabbed Regulus’s wrist and pulled him away, with a sweet laughter “Cas, meet my old friend”

“My partner in crime” Evan added

“My new favorite person” Barty smiled

“I think you threaten to kill me without saying anything?” Regulus confessed to Barty “you’re weird”

“I did not” Barty gasped “How could you even say that?”

“Wait, aren’t you rich?” Cas asked “I’m Dorcas meadows”

“Regulus Black”

“So you are rich, let’s go beer is on you,” She said excitingly, Regulus didn’t even realize what happened when Evan and he went inside the store, Regulus could see Barty and Dorcas arguing about something from a window, Pandora was smoking while laughing at them.

“Sorry, Cas is always direct, she’s more flagrant than Barty, which says a lot”

“Don’t worry, I don’t mind”

All five of them sat beside the lake, they were drinking beer, Dorcas talked about her new client, it felt good to have people like them. There was no awkwardness, it felt odd at first but Regulus found their company tolerable. He felt good. When he did part of him always thought that it would last forever. It never did

His phone rang, and Regulus quickly silenced Barty and Dorcas “Hello?”

“Hi, Regulus”

“Riddle? Why are you calling me?”
“I can’t call you now? Anyways, I found something for you, do you know Poppy Pomfrey?”

“Poppy Pomfrey?” Barty suddenly was very still, he begged Regulus to put it on speaker while Pandora silently told him who she was “Uh ye, a director right?”

“Yes, so she’s having a play, asked me to find someone who would musically decorate it”

“What play she’s directing?”

“Why so many questions? Prodigal son, good luck I will text you the address tomorrow”

“Okay thanks”

Regulus put away his phone, and Barty and Pandora jumped up in excitement “Reg, I’m making decorations for Poppy”

“And I’m in the main role”

“Ironic” that was all Regulus said as the rain started flooding them, Pandora started laughing maniacally, she started clapping her hands and dancing around with Barty, they looked so free and happy, like they had no care in the world, Evan quickly joined in, Regulus wished he could do the same but he couldn’t even bring himself to stand up.

Dorcas didn’t either, she lit up her cigarette and was thoughtfully watching every drop of rain, every splash in the lake “It was nice meeting you Black” She said as her friends were dancing beside them, their laughter could probably be heard from miles away
“Sure” was all he said

—---—-----------------------

Regulus got back, he was struggling to open the door “Need help Sunshine?”

“Benjy, hey” Regulus greeted him awkwardly “I’m-”

“If you want to apologize” Benjy started with a smirk “You should go out with me”

Regulus didn’t expect him to ask so soon “Sure,” he said with a hesitation “Alright, you already have my number right?”

“I do” Benjy licked his lips “See you on Monday Regulus”