Having the energy and motivation to do things she loved and was passionate about was something that rarely happened in Aria’s life as of lately. As she sat in front of her computer motivated to do what she loved for the first time in months her fingers typed for a bit before erasing whatever she had written. This process seemed to have gone on for at least the las 30 minutes or so. She had no idea what she was doing. She tried to land a clear scenario in her head as she began typing, only for it to change or for her to realize that it just was not what she wanted to tell. Her mind went blank as all her ideas and imaginary worlds left her like sand slipping between someone’s fingers.
She leaned back on her chair and let out an exasperated sigh. She could feel the emptiness and tiredness almost looming against her shoulder as she tried her best to distract herself from her usual dark thoughts by looking outside her window. She tapped her finger against her desk to an old tune that resurfaced her memory but couldn´t quite remember the name of. Her gaze went back to her computer screen as the cursor blinked on and off almost tauntingly, daring her to try and begin writing only for her to hate whatever she was going for. She pursed her lips and let her head fall back as she closed her eyes.
Was she as passionate about this as she always claimed she was? Why after all this time, when she finally had the energy to do what she loved, she could not come up with anything? So much time had passed of her filling emptiness in her chest and painful reminders of the past in her head, she just wanted to feel whole again, just like she used to before the war. Her eyes felt warm and her nose clogged up when frustrated tears began forming behind her eyelids. She clenched her jaw and refused to let them fall.
Warm hands landed on her shoulder and they sneaked around her as the person behind her pulled her into a comforting embrace. Her lips lifted to a wavering smile and the lump in her throat seemed to grow. Her hand lifted to caress the arm of the man she had come to love in the last seven years of her life. In turn, he nuzzled his head against her neck and sighed. Aria couldn’t hold her tears back anymore and a sob left her, followed by hot tears running down her cheeks.
Remus’ arms tightened around her and he moved his hand to hold hers. He broke the embrace for a second and dragged chair closer and once again drew her into a loving embrace, letting the young woman sob against his shoulder. No words were required, as his embrace was enough to communicate the unspoken words of comfort his lover needed at the time. Sobs were the only sound that filled the room and the warm sun of the afternoon entered the window casting an ethereal light to the couple, almost like a warm blanket that reminded the woman where she was as she became more aware of her surroundings. This is the present. She was okay. This is real.
She took a few breaths as she finally calmed down, never leaving the comforting arms of Remus. She nuzzled her face in his shoulder and breathed in, the familiar scent of firewood and the tea he had made himself that morning seemed to do the trick to finally make her regain her senses.
After a moment of silence, Aria finally spoke up. “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, Rem.” She said in a hoarse voice. The man waited for her to continue.
“I just- it’s too much. I don’t think I can live the rest of my life like this. I feel so empty every day and my body just never seems to have energy no matter how much I sleep or how much I try to take care of myself like my therapist told me to.” She let out a tired sigh.
“I-I just want it to end. If this is what being a human is like, then I don’t think I want to be alive anymore.”
…
“I don’t want to be alone anymore.” She admitted miserably as she opened her eyes to an empty room. The loving embrace of her lover gone, so she hugged herself to seek some sort of comfort. The rays entering through the window dimmed as the dusk came to pass. She let out a tired sigh, the memory of her late husband making her heart ache as it has been for the last seven months. A lonely tear slipped down her and hit the floor.
“I miss you, Rem.”
.
Silence. She never got an answer.