Chapter 1
The icy snow fell on Regulus Black's black leather shoes as he walked through the city he has lived in since he was born. It was his birthday month and for the first time he barely thought about it.
When Regulus was a kid, all he thought during December was his birthday. Not because he was excited about it but because he hated it. Now, he just couldn’t care less about it — which wasn’t as good as it seemed.
Sirius would still mention it, talking about his plans for that day and Regulus… Well, Regulus wouldn’t feel anything, not even opposition to it or discomfort. He just didn’t care.
As he walked, his eyes passed through the people. From happy kids playing with their parents to old people sitting on benches with the newspaper of the day. Regulus sometimes wondered if he would even reach his 40s. That wasn’t something he imagined himself doing — blowing the candles of his 40s birthday cake.
Living in the same city as always can be exhausting, but a positive point about it was that you can decorate all the places you go through and watch. Regulus usually likes it, but sometimes it's just inconvenient. For example, when you have bad memories attached to it — or good memories that became so painful you now view them as bad.
Even though the snow was flooding the entire city, Regulus could still recognize the blue benches where he used to meet with his ex-boyfriend. They would have lunch right there, Barty on the right side and Regulus on the left side; sharing the food they used to buy on the local market. Regulus never went there again.
He stopped his walk just to stare at the place and suddenly, it was like he was slowly being teleported to that exact time. The snow disappearing and the night sky opening, giving entrance to the sunny hot days of the summer. He could see himself right there, with a much happier face, a little bit of a shorter hair and Barty’s clothes. He could also see Barty, laughing as he tried to steal Regulus’ food.
“Stop!” he could hear his own voice.
He used to pretend it annoyed him but in reality, he’d hope Barty did that every single day because he loved the mischievous smile that danced on his face.
“One bite, Reggie. Please!” the soft voice was still clear in Black's mind, even after two years he still remembered it and probably always would.
His heart ached and his brain was screaming for him to just leave, to keep walking and ignore all the memories that insisted in making him sad. But he couldn’t. It was like he was stuck there, as a spectator, seeing him with the only boy that ever made butterflies fly on his stomach, seeing the best version he ever got to know of himself.
“Hey!” a high-pitch voice broke into his ears and it was like everything faded in seconds. All the brightness on the sky, the green grass, colourful flowers and smiles turning into a dark grey night, where the flowers were freezed and dead and the grass was all snow.
Regulus's head turned back quickly, his eyebrows a little raised by the surprise but the same face without emotion he had on before.
James was standing right behind him with a big smile on his face. His hands were on the pockets of the huge cozy jacket he had on, a scarf around his neck and some snowflakes falling on his curls.
He was pretty, like always.
“Hi,” Regulus greeted with a low tone. His mind still going back to Barty.
“What are you doing here? It’s getting late.”
“I was just…” he looked around, thinking about a justification to why he was standing on the middle of a sidewalk, staring at a bench, “I was just walking,” he decided to say.
“Walking?” Potter raised one of his eyebrows, “You’re so weird sometimes,” he laughed, placing one of his arms around Regulus’ shoulders, “C’mon, let’s go home, I’m freezing my ass off,”
James laughed so Regulus forced himself to laugh as well, although the smile faded almost immediately after James went silent.
“So, I was thinking… your birthday is in two weeks…”
“God, James. Not again,” Regulus rolled his eyes.
“Listen,” the other’s answer was immediate, “We’re not gonna throw a party, alright? But, what do you think of a small reunion with me, Sirius, Remus, Mary, Pandora…”
“I appreciate it, but why can’t we treat it like a normal day? Seriously, I don’t care about my birthday.”
“But we all do. It’s a special day, Reg. The most beautiful human being was born that day, don’t you think we should celebrate it?”
James looked at Regulus’ face, touching his nose with a silly smile. Black smiled softly before replying.
“No, we should not. I really just want to stay in my room and read.”
The slightly taller boy rolled his eyes at the answer, muttering softly before looking back at where he was walking.
“Why don’t you like your birthday anymore?”
“Anymore?” he questioned with furrowed eyebrows.
“Yeah. Sirius told me you used to celebrate it like three years ago.”
It took a while for Regulus to process that and think about what to say. It was true, Regulus celebrated all the birthdays he spent alongside Barty, but that was because they were actually special. Regulus wasted no time to spend time with Barty or to see him happy. His birthday made him smile, so Regulus celebrated it with him. It was simple.
“I… i never really celebrated it, he’s just exaggerating,” lie.
“Regulus,” James called in a tired voice, taking off his arms around him once they arrived the building’s door.
Now, the boy could actually take a look on James’ face and that was enough for him to sigh, looking at his own feet. He couldn’t say the truth. He knew talking about Barty made James uncomfortable, even if they weren’t even officially dating. Still, he didn’t want to say to his face he was willing to celebrate his birthday if his ex boyfriend was still around.
“Alright,” he lifted his head. James was still staring, “I celebrated like two birthdays, it’s not that big of a deal. I was with different people, had different hobbies… i don’t know! People just change.”
“And by with different people you mean your ex-boyfriend?” Potter was narrowing his eyes behind the glasses. Regulus felt like he was reading all of his thoughts and secrets. That was uncomfortable.
“Don’t be like that.”
“I’m not being like that. I just really hate the fact that boy changed everything about you.”
“Barty isn’t the reason why I changed. Knowing my brother throughout your entire childhood doesn’t mean you know everything about me because he wasn’t even fucking around, alright? I’ve always disliked my birthday. Christ.”
He entered the building shortly thereafter, giving no room for James to respond. The warmth inside the space was welcoming and Regulus felt more comfortable, even though his heart was still beating anger from the mini fight a few seconds ago.
Black knew Potter was following him as he climbed the stairs, but did not look back for confirmation. It was obvious James wouldn’t just leave and give up on going to Regulus’ house, he has never done that. They’d go inside, be in silence for a few minutes and then James would apologise and then they’d kiss and watch a movie. That’s what always has happened.
When they reached the third floor, Regulus searched for his keys in the front pocket of his jeans, unlocking the door once he had them on his hands. Already inside, he placed the keys on the entryway marble table he had on his hall. He left the door opened behind him, knowing James would be there to close it. He was.
He took off his jacket, hanging it on the vintage coat rack he had — his mother gave him before passing and even though he hates that woman, it is too much of an useful furniture.
When the boy turned back, James was taking off the scarf around his neck, looking at him with his big hazel eyes that were almost begging for forgiveness. It felt like a punch on Regulus’ stomach.
“Want something to drink?” he asked while James walked up to the coat rack just like he has done before.
“Coffee, maybe?”
“Alright…”
The mood was awkward between them and Regulus hated it. He hated not being able to tell the truth, having to let the situation be dragged like a snowball that would eventually crush him. He knew James would eventually ask him what they were and Regulus wouldn’t answer that because he didn’t know.
If you asked him what he wanted 7 months ago, when Sirius introduced him James on that one parking lot; Regulus would say he wanted to be with James. That he wanted to go on silly dates with him, and share food, and paint together, go to each other’s house and cuddle in silence, just enjoying each other’s presence and heartbeat — but that was before Regulus realised he was just fantasising about the things he used to do with Barty, because that’s what happiness meant to him. Except James wasn’t Barty and he had to learn that the tough way.
It was easy at the beggining, sneaking around with James and shagging in hidden places. They really didn’t have anything other than sex, so there was no commitment and responsibility. However, things escalated faster than he expected and what started with one lie, ended in what is happening now.
James was a really good person and Regulus would never deny that. He was incredible, always making the best of efforts to see him happy, and trying to learn more about him even if he isn’t the best at letting people in. He keeps his promises and his friends are constantly talking about how lucky he is to have James in his life, that they’d do anything for a man like that. Regulus understands them, he really does because James is, indeed, perfect — but he is not the one he wants.
No matter how hard he tried, his heart would never beat for James. Even if he had the warmest smile, the best personality, even if he could be the best boyfriend in the world — which Regulus is sure he would —, he couldn’t help but think about Barty because Potter would never fill the void Crouch left inside his heart.
“Here.”
When Regulus returned with the coffee, James was already without his coat, scarf and shoes, sitting on his couch and staring at his cell phone. The boy lifted his head, glaring at Regulus with the same sad eyes from before. He dropped the phone to the side of his thigh and reached for the cup Black was holding. He took a few more steps forward so James could grab it properly and when he did, Regulus decided to sit next to him, looking forward to the shelf besides the TV.
“So,” James started, “No birthday celebration?”
Regulus could feel his stare.
“Seriously, I don’t see a motive to celebrate.”
“It’s a birthday. Everyone celebrates their birthday,” he tried to explain.
“Well, my mother always told me I’m not everyone,” he finally looked at him, but just to show him his sarcastic smile.
James rolled his eyes.
“Alright, whatever. I won’t be pushing it any further but… can we at least watch a movie together? I can cook to you and then we can cuddle here. It’ll be great and cozy.”
Black opened his mouth to protest but his voice died in his throat as James gave him the typical sad dog look. He couldn’t say no.
“Fine,” he sighed and a smile grow on James’ face, who automatically dropped the coffee cup on the small central table in front of their legs.
“Brilliant,” he basically cheered, pulling Regulus to a kiss.
It was warm and tasted like coffee, still Regulus let himself go, grabbing James’s neck before allowing his tongue to slide in. Kissing James was great, but it didn’t make him feel anything on his stomach. He’d keep kissing, in a desperate seek for the butterflies he used to feel… nothing.
When James fell on his back and brought Regulus with him, a bad sensation on his throat increased and Black pulled away, faking a smile.
“The coffee is waiting.”
“Yeah, I don’t care about it,” James grabbed Regulus’ face again, his voice breathy and his eyes hungry.
The boy, who was now between his legs, pulled back even farther, escaping James’ grip. As soon as he sat down, James followed him.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“I’m not feeling great tonight.”
James didn’t look disappointed, just confused.
“Did something happen? Was it the fight we had? Look, Reg, I’m really sorry about that. I know you don’t like talking about your ex, that was really callous, but—”
“It’s alright, James,” he interrupted before Potter could start a conversation about Barty once again, “It’s not because of the fight or because of you at all. I am really just not in the mood right now. Please, finish your coffee.”
James kept staring behind his glasses, worried, sad and confused. Regulus felt terrible. It was too much for him, he couldn’t handle the guilt, so he just got up and left the living room without saying anything. He just wanted to sleep, forget about the grip on his heart and the knob on his throat that made him want to throw up. He was tired of feeling sick, tired of having a wave of discomfort swing on the inside of his stomach, making him feel genuine, physical pain. He really just didn’t want to think about this situation and how it was destroying him, — the worst part is that he couldn’t tell anyone.
When his body fell onto the bed, Regulus had to fight the tears who were asking to be freed. He couldn’t and wouldn’t cry, not when his almost boyfriend was on his living room, worrying about his well being. Regulus curled up around the pillow, hugging it as he buried his head there, begging to fall asleep. It didn’t happen.
His mind kept going back to Barty, to his laugh and how Regulus smiled just by looking at the ocean eyes he has. The dark curly haired boy still owns a box full of the things Barty ever gave him — either teddy bears, letters, clothes, flowers, hand made gifts or random stuff like stones he’d pick up from the ground and give it a name — and he just never felt brave to put it on the trash.
“Okay, between killing me or having the entire city destroyed, what would you prefer?” Barty once asked.
“Who cares about this city? We’re blowing it up and then drive off to California or some shit.”
“Not sure we can drive to California, but I appreciate you keeping me alive.”
“I’m never letting you die.”
It wasn’t a lie. Regulus would actually blow up an entire city if that meant Barty’s safety.
After long minutes of torturing himself with memories, his brain finally gave in and Regulus was able to sleep, to forget.
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
The next day, he woke up with James beside him. The boy appeared to be in a deep state of sleep so Regulus didn’t bother in trying not to move. He got up, walked up to his jacket hanging on the coat rack and took off his phone from one of the pockets. 9:30am was shinning on the screen and he actually wondered how his body was able to wake up before midday.
The shower was quick, as his mind was focused on going to the cafe near by to study — although it was Christmas holidays and there was really no need to study, he just felt like it.
James was still sleeping when he started to get dressed, putting a scarf around his neck and reaching for his backpack. He took a last look at the brown skinned boy, how angelic he was sleeping, with his curls falling on his eyes and his chest slowly moving up and down. Regulus swallowed his saliva before leaving the room, letting him sleep.
The morning was freezing, as expected. People were running their gloved hands through the car doors, trying to get the snow out of the way so they could get into their vehicles. Children made angels and snowmen, others played throwing snow to each other. Their cries of happiness were loud and made Regulus remember the time when he used to do that with his brother — just a few years before he left.
After a few minutes of walking, he entered the cafe, hearing the door bell clang behind him. The warmth of the place made him sigh.
“Morning, Mr.Black!,” Madam Rosmerta saluted with a smile.
“You know you can call me Regulus.”
She laughed quietly, placing the cloth on her left shoulder, “Alright, morning, Regulus.”
“Morning,” he greeted back.
“Same as always?”
He used to visit the establishment since he was a child, first with his father, then with Sirius and then alone. Rosmerta was a very good woman, always there with a smile on her face no matter the weather or situation — her daughter, Annalise was just as kind as her. Regulus always found the two extremely alike, in personality and looks. Annalise inherited her mother’s curly blonde hair, thin eyebrows and strong blue eyes. Regulus really appreciated them.
“Yup,” he confirmed, leaning onto the counter.
He watched her turn her back to him, touching the coffee machine. Since he started drinking coffee, that was pretty much all he asked; a big cup of hot pure coffee with no sugar.
“So, how’s life? Saw your brother yesterday.”
“Life’s great. A bit messy but… It’s something,” she looked over her shoulder with a smile.
“I understand. Adult life is complicated indeed,” Regulus sighed in agreement, “but you’ll be fine, it doesn’t stay hard forever.”
The reassurance made him look at his hands. He didn’t quite believe those words, but if Rosmerta was saying them then he deduced that there was some truth in the middle.
“How’s Sirius? Haven’t seen him in a few days,” he decided to change the subject.
“He seemed fine. Was with his boyfriend. Such a cute pairing aren’t they?”
Regulus couldn’t help but smile softly. Remus and Sirius were, indeed, a cute couple. Even with their different personalities, they somehow found a way to make it work. He never admitted it, but Regulus was jealous of their love.
“They are. Dunno how Remus is able to stand him,” he laughed and the woman glared at him with welcoming eyes.
“When you love someone, you admire everything about them, even the most annoying aspects about their personality.”
He knows he should have remembered James, but he immediately thought of Barty.
“Guess that’s right.”
Regulus looked down at the mug once the blonde haired woman placed it on front of his hands. The knot that formed in his stomach urged him not to drink it, but Black was fully aware that this was just his anxiety talking and that he definitely needed to drink that coffee before it got cold — which happened fast during the winter time.
“Thank you,” he whispered.
“You can pay it before leaving, kid,” she said, turning around once again.
Noticing the conversation was definitely over, Regulus grabbed the mug and walked over an empty table, next to a window. He slung the backpack handle over the back of the chair and set the mug on the table, then sat down. When his books and case were on the table, he just grabbed his headphones and started listening to the playlist on his phone.
Studying was always something that Regulus was used to do. Since he was a kid, his mother and father would force him to be the best at every subject at school, so Regulus would spend more time studying than actually doing things kids do. When he reached his teenage years, studying became a way of running away from his life problems.
After a while, when he had finished his coffee and was already on the third page of writing, a particular song came up on his playlist that made him forget about everything he had been studying. He could recognise it just by the instrumental at the beggining and that broke his entire heart. I Hear a Symphony used to be his song with Barty. They’d listen to it together and whenever they were away from each other, that song would just remember them of their relationship well enough to bring comfort and happiness to their hearts.
Now, Regulus was just holding his pencil, not even touching the notebook with it. He wondered how Barty was now, after two years. If he was going well on the University, if he was still friends with Evan, if he was dating someone… a wave of sadness hit his chest just by thinking about Evan and Barty and how he lost them both in such a short period of time.
It used to be the three of them. If one started walking, the other two would follow. They were a friendship to envy. Not even Pandora — the one who introduced them to Regulus — ever expected them to be as close as they were. When Barty and Regulus started dating, Evan thought he would become a thrid wheel, but that never happened. They had life plans, the three of them. It was always Regulus, Barty and Evan so the fact that now was Barty and Evan made him feel terribly sad.
Thinking about it brought him a terrible painful nostalgia so he ended up letting impulsiveness get the best of him and he picked up his cell phone, opening Instagram to search for Barty’s username. The last time he has visited the account was around a year and a half ago, so he felt like he was taking an amount of steps back — that didn’t stop him, though.
He scrolled through the recent pictures — they were mostly landscapes and animals, but there were some pictures of his face. Barty was different, but somehow, still the same. His face was more mature and his hair was slightly bigger and messier. He had grown a bit, but Black still felt like he was his Barty still.
There was a picture with Evan. His blonde hair was now buzzed and dyed pink — it looked good on him —, and his style was a little more casual than it used to be. They were on a skate park; Evan holding his skateboard and Barty holding his chocolate bar. They were smiling, happy. Regulus wished he was there.
The caption was ‘at least one of us has to have any talent other than eating candies’ and Evan’s comment was ‘you’re pretty good at being annoying. I’d consider that a talent.’
Regulus giggled at that. Rosier always had a golden humor and never failed to make everyone laugh. Oh, how he missed laughing until his stomach was hurting. He hasn’t genuinely chuckled since Evan and Barty were in his life — a quite depressing statement, even if realistic.
The grey eyed boy left the pictures he posted and went to stalk his highlights. There were new ones, mostly about trips he had made to other countries, like Italy, Turkey and Spain. All during the holidays. Black could notice him with new people at parties, but none of them seemed suspicious enough to be dating Barty.
It took him some time to reach the old highlights and find the old stories Barty had with him. His heart skipped a bit and suddenly, he felt less guilty for still having his highlight with Crouch too.
He could watch everything for hours, feeling the awful feeling of sickness on his stomach he considered to be nostalgia and sadness, but he knew it was wrong so he had to stop. Regulus took a deep breath, still holding the phone with one hand. He left the highlight and raised his thumb to click on the arrow besides his username, wanting to leave the account — however, he ended up clicking on the stories.
Fuck. Regulus almost screamed. His heart was now beating faster than before and his first reaction was to drop the phone on the table, like that would reverse his mistake. Shit. Shit. Shit. Barty would definitely see the views on his story and he would definitely see that Regulus saw it. The boy was willing to just leave it, but the snow on the picture caught his attention.
The shit was done, so why wouldn’t he take a better look at the story? It was just Barty’s leg outside a car, snow around his shoes and on the left, a location. Regulus couldn’t believe when he saw that the location was his city, their city. He wanted to cry, to scream. The story was posted 8 hours ago, so that meant he was back. Barty was back.
It didn’t even feel real. He felt watched, like Barty could be everywhere he looked now.
“Seriously?” he heard someone say behind him and jumped on the chair, looking over his shoulder.
Pandora was looking down at him, her blonde braids falling freely on her big pink coat. She had one eyebrow raised and Regulus felt automatically exposed and vulnerable.
“What the fuck, Dora?!” he quietly shouted.
She didn’t answer, coming around the table to sit facing Regulus. Meanwhile, he managed to leave Barty’s account and delete him from his search history.
“Y’know, I was very happy and excited to see you, but now that I know you’re drooling over your ex-boyfriend, I might actually leave.”
The dark-skinned girl had her arms crossed on the white table, she was leaning towards Regulus, who felt deeply uncomfortable by the confrontation.
“I wasn’t drooling. Also, did you know that looking at other people’s phones is extremely disrespectful?”
“You need to talk to James,” she said, ignoring the previous judgment.
“Talk about what?”
“About the fact you don’t love him or even like him romantically,” Lovegood sighed, leaning against the chair.
“Where are you taking that from?”
“You’re checking Barty’s Instragam after two years of break-up. With him back in city, I doubt you will control yourself.”
“First of all, a bit bold of you assume I would cheat on James. Second of all, how do you even know Barty is back?”
“Well, I was the one introducing you so I was obviously the first person to see him when he arrived,” something on Regulus’ stomach shifted just by the thought of Pandora and Barty together. They probably hugged and Regulus caught himself sniffing the air a bit stronger, seeking for any hint of Barty’s scent, “And, I did not say you were going to cheat. I just said that I doubt you won’t hurt James even more.”
“So… cheat.”
“Reg, seriously. I am not saying you would cheat, I’m just saying the chances of James getting his heart broken are so much higher with Barty back in town. You have to talk to him and end whatever you guys have,” she adviced, trying to search for the better words. Regulus still felt attacked.
“I am over Barty.”
“That’s a lie that not even you believe in,” she didn’t have a joking tone, and that intimidated Regulus. He looked at the window, biting his bottom lip before looking at his friend again.
“Let’s not talk about this, alright?”
“Okay… hm, anyways. Just wanted to ask why are you literally studying during holidays.”
“Needed to distract my mind. The morning is quite welcoming for a bit of studying,” he shrugged his shoulders, starting to pack his things.
“Reg, I promise you that no morning, afternoon or night is welcoming for physics.”
“For you,” he ironically smiled, turning his body to put the notebook and case on his bag again.
This drew a smile from Pandora, who rolled her eyes.
“You’re one of a kind, Regulus Black. Never will find someone like you.”
“Definitely my charm. No one can be this hot and mentally ill all at once,” he joked, listening to the way Pandora laughed, shaking her head.
He then got up, placing the backpack on his back again. Even if he was smiling, his heart was still a bit tight by knowing Barty could be anywhere at the moment. He could actually walk through the cafe door in seconds and Regulus would have to deal with that — he was terrified.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“Home. No idea if James is still there but I am very hungry right now.”
“Right. Look, by the way. If James is there, can you ask him to talk to Lily? She refuses to talk to me,” she took a deep breath and Regulus pressed both eyebrows on each other, worried.
“What happened?”
“We had a fight,” she grunted in a confession before getting up, “and I really want to apologise but she’s such a stubborn and doesn’t answer any of my texts or calls.”
“Alright,” he said, grabbing the empty mug, “I’ll tell him that.”
“Thanks, Reg.”
He gave her a soft smile, before walking up to the counter and place the mug there, thanking Rosmerta before paying and leaving. The change in temperature gave Regulus a slight headache, who shoved both hands even deeper into his coat pockets — still didn’t feel warm enough —, and walked the fastest he could.
One; because he really wanted to eat.
Two; he wanted to avoid bumping onto Barty somewhere.
It didn’t took him long to get home again, dropping his backpack on the floor and calling for James, somehow wishing he wasn’t there. But he was.
“Kitchen,” he heard.
After taking off his coat and scarf, Regulus walked slowly to the kitchen, seeing James on his pyjamas, eating a toast.
“Hey,” he said.
James smiled at him, looking down his phone again in seconds.
“Feeling any better?” he questioned. Eyes still on the screen.
“A bit. I was studying, by the way. That’s why I left.”
James dropped his phone to drink some of the water he had on the glass. Regulus walked to the fridge behind the boy and opened, looking for something to eat. There was basically nothing — maybe some yogurt and fruits, but nothing really appealing. He didn’t feel like cooking so decided to eat the remnants of the previous day's lunch.
“No worries.”
“Pandora asked me to tell you to talk to Lily. They’re angry at each other, apperantly so she kinda needs to apologise and Lily isn’t answering anything. I think,” he spoke, putting the dish inside the microwave.
“What happened?” his voice was concerned.
“Dunno, she didn’t tell me more about it.”
“Oh. Yeah, I’ll try and talk to Lily.”
He heard James getting up and saw him putting the glass in the sink by the corner of his eye.
“Are you really okay?” he asked again, looking at Regulus.
“Mhm.”
“I’m so—”
“Don’t.”
James sighed, turning around. His back was now leaning on the counter and he threw his head back, grunting.
“Wanna hang out later?” he asked.
“Where?”
“I wanna take you on a date,” James looked at him, so Regulus turned his head as well.
“Alright, but where?”
“Uhm… what about the cafe where Dorcas works? It’s a nice place.”
“Okay.”
“I’m going home now but will you be there at three?”
“I will.”
“Brilliant,” James smiled before leaning to kiss Regulus, leaving the kitchen right after.