Chapter 6
“It’s New year’s tomorrow.”
They were sitting in the almost empty common room in opposing armchairs, both holding books and rarely making conversation. It was quite rare to see Barty holding a book so Evan didn’t want to distract him too much in case it ruined this miracle.
“Yup.”
“Are you planning to go down to the party? I would have thought you would be but you haven’t mentioned it yet so I was curious.”
Barty sighed and put the book down next to him. He leaned back in his chair and crossed his legs. “Nah, not that I would ever dare say this to any of their faces, their egos really don’t need it, but the parties around here were definitely much better when Potter and his gang were here.”
“Yeah, I agree. They were brilliant. It’s just a bit dull without Pettigrew trying to flirt with a painfully oblivious Lupin the whole time, isn’t it? I’m still surprised they ended up getting together, you’d think Lupin wouldn’t know what romantic attraction was if you threw it at him.”
“Exactly, the entertainment is gone so there is no point in going! Especially now Snape is gone too. Remember how the only reason they invited his greasy ass to parties was so he could hand around those funky potions?”
“Oh that was brilliant! He thought people genuinely wanted him there and then stood around dripping hair oil all over the floor in a corner all night.”
“It was pretty fucking hilarious, though.”
“True. Well, are you gonna stay up until midnight?” He asked, resting his chin on his palm.
“Dunno, not much point I suppose, is there?”
This caught Evan’s attention, usually Barty loved an excuse to stay up until 4 drinking and talking. “Oh? Why not? You usually do.”
“Not much to do really, is there? We have no booze, there’s no good party, I have nobody to kiss, what’s the point?”
“Whilst I may not be able to conjure a decent party out of nowhere, I think I may have solutions to your other two problems.”
Barty didn’t look all too convinced. “Oh yeah?”
“I think you underestimate my smuggling abilities.”
“...Wait…really? How?”
Evan stood up and walked over to the bookshelf (the only one in the Slytherin common room) to place his book back and shrugged. “I went down to help the Huffies sort out their party supplies and may or may not have nicked a bottle each. I mean, it isn’t like they’re gonna need all of them so…y’know…”
Barty laughed in slight shock and twisted his head around to look at Evan with incredulity. “Evan, you bad, bad man! Finally reaching your rebellious stage, eh?”
“Oh, shut up.” Though his voice was cold, he couldn’t help the small smile he gave as he said it.
“Anyway, you said you had a solution to my other issue too?”
“Oh yeah, the, erm…the kiss thing. Yeah.”
“Well, what’s the big secret, Rosebud? Got any girls hiding up your sleeves?”
Evan cleared his throat and smirked. “Well, your house elf is always willing to give up whatever she is doing for you, isn’t she?” Barty glared at them and they continued with a grin. “Maybe you could summon her to the castle and ask for a little favour.”
Barty pulled a face and leaned back, pretending to be unbothered. “I’m not kissing Winky so you can live out your fucked up fantasy, Ev. She’d faint on the spot and I’d be scarred for life.”
“Well, what a shame. I suppose you’ll have to settle for me instead.”
Barty froze up. “What?”
“I just…well, we’ve been friends for years, it wouldn’t be that weird if you kissed me, would it? Or are you too 'pure, traditional Slytherin' for that?”
He paused, replaying the moment in his head to make sure he had heard that correctly. "Of course, I'm not!" Deflected a rather wide-eyed Barty.
“It’s not like it means anything, we’re just two lonely friends on new year’s eve, don’t look so horrified.”
He wasn’t horrified.
He was…mildly upset.
Obviously it didn’t mean anything. You’d have to be an idiot to think otherwise. It meant nothing at all.
I wish it did, though.
No, stupid brain, shut the fuck up.
Evan nodded quickly and walked back over to his chair, sitting down slightly awkwardly, trying not to shuffle in embarrassment.
“...Yeah.”
“Yeah?” Evan whispered, almost breathlessly.
“Yeah.”
-
Barty should have known that the flowers had been too dormant the last few days. Keeping them in had become instinct so they had built up without him even thinking about it. Of course, he knew they were still there, he could still feel the thorns drawing blood from where they clawed their way around his lungs, pulling tighter at every smile or little touch Evan sent his way.
People always described love as feeling your heart skip a beat or a slight fluttering in your stomach.
They were idiots.
The only feeling he had been getting in his chest was his heart being viciously, rhythmically constricted, not jittering slightly, but holding still so as to not inflict any more damage on itself in trying to escape the clinging grasp of the stalks caged around it.
His stomach did not flutter or flip in a bashful gesture but churned at the thought of having to be faced with innumerable reminders of his vulnerability. And every time, they got a little more painful to look at. The mere sight of his blood seeping into each small vein seemed to bring him even closer to death.
His blood tarnished and burdened something otherwise delicate and coveted.
How ironic.
The flowers had been building up for some time now, so it was no surprise when they gushed out like a stained waterfall. They came in a myriad of shades that had built up over the past few days, each with deep significance to whatever he had been feeling at the time. Additionally, they were coated in significantly more blood than they had been at the start.
As the last few buds landed heavily on the ground, he felt a stalk shoot up his throat, cutting around his mouth before retracting, part of it breaking off in the swift twisting movement and landing on the floor in the middle of the pile, tainted with his blood and the skin of his throat. He felt his neck and chest go cold, like the blood being drawn from them left it frozen and his vision clouded over slightly.
It started as a light fuzzing in the corners of his vision, spreading steadily over to obscure the bathroom from view until all he could see was the block of colour in the centre, the different shades blurred together like smudged paint on a canvas. It got darker and the pain dulled slightly, it was quiet. And calm. He hoped, oddly, that he would stay in this empty state forever.
-
It was peaceful, the numb quiet of it all. He usually hated silence, but recently, it had been so full of fear and pain that this was actually a nice change.
The cold sensation of the floor and the stickiness of bloodied petals faded from beneath his hands, though he knew he hadn’t moved at all. He was still laying on the floor, the door locked so he wouldn’t be questioned by a terrified Evan if he happened to open the door and see him unconscious on the floor in a pool of flowers and blood.
He would likely assume the worst.
He probably wouldn’t be wrong.
But it wasn’t over yet. He knew it wasn’t. It couldn’t be. This pain was almost unbearable and plagued him at every waking moment but he knew it was nowhere near as bad as it would get. Not that he was an expert but he guessed it was likely another 3 months or so until it was the end for him. Unless he made some stupid decision related to Evan that would mess things up and kill him faster…oh yeah, he’d already done that. He had agreed to kiss him. As if that was going to do him any good. Nice one, Barty. Real smart.
But almost immediately after the thoughts entered his mind, they were drawn away as he felt his mind slowly going blank; as nice as it was to have no pain for now, he wanted to stay somewhat conscious so he wouldn’t end up spending hours laying sprawled out on the floor. After all, if anything was going to cause panic, it was that. It seemed his body had other ideas as the dullness turned to a complete lack of sensation all over.
-
Consciousness returned to him slowly, and the pain didn’t come back until at least a few moments later. Only when he tried to sit up and lean back against the sink did his chest start to shudder with each breath and tense at each movement he made. It seemed that his relief could only be temporary. It certainly wasn’t ideal but at least he got a bit of normalcy back, at least he got a small dose of his old life. Maybe it was the last time he would ever feel that, who really knew?
“Bar? I can hear you moving, you know? Can you at least speak or something? I swear to Merlin, if you are wanking in there, I will-”
Shit. Evan was back.
Scraping the flowers into the bin and trying to vanish the blood from the floor as best he could, Barty stood up, ignoring the pain in his chest as it quickly returned to its full extent.
“Yeah, sorry, I’m coming out now. I just kind of zoned out for a bit.” After checking the mirror to see for sure that there was no blood on his face, he opened the door and smiled at Evan, pretending rather badly that he hadn’t just been passed out on the floor for what he guessed would be anywhere around half an hour. “Sorry, I hope you weren’t waiting long, I was so far away in my mind I didn’t hear you.”
Evan smiled back, though it was clearly just as fake as Barty’s pained grimace, and stepped into the bathroom; he stopped in the doorway and leaned against the doorframe. “I was only here for a few minutes, I only just got back from the library. But I can assume you’ve been here for a while from what you said, so, are you sure you’re okay? You seem a bit out of it, more so than usual. If you’ve been on some weird muggle drugs, I’ll-”
“I’m not on drugs, Ev. I’m just tired. I’ve been stressing too much recently and I need to calm down, that’s all. I’ve been zoning out and losing sleep for the past few days but I didn’t want to bother you so I didn’t mention it. I assumed it would go away soon, and it probably will. Come on, don’t look at me like that, I’m not being stupid. I was just gonna try and wait it out, I’ll be fine by the time lessons start again so you won’t need to worry about my grades slipping, okay? Besides, I’m perfect in all my classes anyway so it isn’t like I’m in much danger anyway, is it? I could have been sorted into Ravenclaw, couldn’t I? That’s what you usually say.”
Evan crossed his arms and placed their foot against the door, showing that he wasn’t planning on shutting it any time soon and that this conversation was nowhere near done. “I’m not worried about your grades, Barty. I’m worried about you. The other day you were saying you were fine and now you’ve suddenly been losing sleep? Of course I’m fucking worried about you! I have been for ages but you’ve kept telling me you were fine so I kept trusting you and look what’s happened! You’ve turned out to be as far from fine as you could possibly ever be! Just…don’t think we are going to just forget about this and move on, okay?” He ran a hand through his hair and did that slightly patronising look that meant ‘I’m worried and you won’t stop being stupid’ but reminded him a little too much of his father. “We are going to talk about this and you’re going to be honest. But for now, please just go to bed and get some sleep. We’ll talk it through properly but you look like you’re on the brink of death and I’d rather not have you kick the bucket whilst I’m yelling at you so get some sleep, okay? You’re not going anywhere near the alcohol tomorrow if you’re practically a bloody inferius, yes?”
He kept his eyes on Evan and nodded, his brain whirring. “Okay, I was going to go to sleep anyway, so that works. We’ll talk tomorrow and I’ll be honest with you. I didn’t tell you everything before because I didn’t want to worry you but back then it wasn’t so bad, I could hardly tell anything was wrong myself, okay?”
“Nu-uh. Tomorrow.” Evan stepped forward, placed a hand on Barty’s arm to steady himself, and then pressed a small, delicate kiss to his cheek, something they had done many times before but now sparked pain worse than that of any other possible scenario. The past few months, Barty had been unsure whether he craved or despised the gesture. “Get some rest.” He waited for a response and smiled when Barty nodded, hovering awkwardly on the spot, arms stiff by his sides, hands tensed into fists, like he was trying to fight back against something. Evan took in the response and hesitantly let his hand fall back to his side. He smiled kindly, yet sadly, and stepped back into the bathroom, softly closing the door behind him and leaving Barty alone once again.
Well, Barty thought. Maybe, whilst he was trying to sleep, he could think of some twisted truth to tell Evan tomorrow. He didn’t want to keep hiding things, he wanted nothing more than to tell him every word of it, to hold him and tell him everything. But deep down, he knew he would have to lie, at least a little. It wasn’t a cruel gesture, exactly, was it? He had promised to tell the truth but it would just hurt him too much and he couldn’t bear to see Evan in that much guilt and pain.
It wasn’t cruel if it saved Evan from a lifetime of blame and anger. It wasn’t cruel if it stopped Evan from feeling indebted to him over something he could not control. It was the right thing to do.
It had to be.
-
Evan ended up standing in the shower, staring at the wall opposite as they let themselves overthink.
Evan overthought a lot, about many different things.
When they were young, they thought about accidentally saying the wrong thing to the wrong person.
When he was a little older, he feared accidentally writing Evan on his belongings instead of his ‘real’ name.
When he first got to Hogwarts, he was terrified that the hat would put him in Hufflepuff and make his parents angry.
For the first few years of his school life, they had been worried about failing all their classes and being an unemployed disappointment to the family.
Now he was focused on panicking over the fact he had a chance to kiss the boy he liked.
Which was an arguably less important thing to worry about than being jobless but almost twice as stressful.
-
“You’re Regulus’ friend, aren’t you? We’ve spoken before, I’m Pandora.” He looked up from the book he was reading for the whatever-th time and raised an eyebrow at the blonde girl standing in front of him. He had always thought Pandora to be a little odd, though Regulus seemed to like her quite a bit.
“Can I help you?”
She smiled down at him and placed her books on the table softly, sitting down elegantly in the chair across from him. No wonder they were such good friends with Reg, they seemed to be the exact same person.
“Not really, I just wanted somewhere to sit and I don't seem to be too popular among my classmates, or anyone really, so I decided one of Reggie’s friends was the best option. I hope you don’t mind, I just didn’t fancy being picked on whilst I’m trying to read, is all.”
She spoke with ease and reason, but Barty couldn’t shake the feeling that there was more to the situation than that.
“I could just go and sit alone over there if it’s too much of an issue, but I would’ve loved to have somebody to sit with. If you don’t mind,” She added, her gaze unwavering.
Barty was not usually one to feel pity for people as weird as Pandora but couldn’t help but feel inclined to let her stay. He didn’t know what it was but it seemed cruel to send her off, maybe the flowers were making him soppy. Is that what love did to a man? Horrifying.
“Sure, You can stay, just try not to be too much of a bother.”
She smiled so brightly that Barty almost thought his kind action was worth it.
“Oh, I won’t, I promise,” They kept their kind, innocent smile as they arranged their things at the table and looked away for the first time in ages, her eyes finding the table. She sighed softly and spoke to him again, in a more hushed tone than before, though she didn’t seem at all worried or uncertain about her deductions. It was more like they were just trying to be respectful of Barty’s privacy and fear. Well, that was honourable, at least. “I can tell you’re stressed. It’s about Rosier, isn’t it?”
His head snapped up quickly at the sound of Evan’s name. The girl didn’t look smug or sly, she had said it without even a drop of snark, like it was something anyone would be able to easily spot. He supposed that was the part that worried him.
“How do you know that?”
She looked up from her book, grey eyes glistening with something odd and mystical. “I notice things. You’ve liked him for a while now, haven’t you? You usually tell him everything, keeping all these secrets is hurting him. You should be honest with him, you know?”
Something about them was keeping him sat where he was, it wasn’t fear or intimidation though, it was more like worried curiosity. Was that a thing? Well, it seemed to be the only description that could sufficiently cover the feeling.
Actually, maybe it was fear. Simply the way she seemed to know everything about him put him on edge, fearing what she was capable of doing if he tried to escape. He didn’t think they were capable of murder or blackmail or anything of the kind but it was still a scary thought. Why would Reg hang out with someone so unnerving?
He didn’t think that shouting would be much help, so tried to control his voice when he spoke.
“Have you been spying on me? How do you even know any of this? How much do you know?”
She laughed softly and shook her head. “No, I haven’t been spying on you, I’m a seer.”
There was another person in their year who claimed to be a seer, that weird Trelawney girl, who made him much less inclined to believe Pandora’s claim, as she had clearly been a fake so it was automatically more likely they were too.
“...Right.”
She put her book down and smiled that soft smile of theirs. “You don’t believe me.”
He shrugged and leaned back in his chair. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay, I don’t expect everyone to believe me, I understand how silly I can sound when I say it. But it is the reason I know so much about your situation, so I think it would really be in your best interests to listen to me.”
It did make sense that it would help but Barty still didn’t think it added up well. If she really was a seer, why would she be seeing things about his life of all? And he still wasn’t willing to rule out the stalker theory just yet.
“I don’t know why I see parts of your life. Maybe it’s because of the danger it is in. It isn’t too clear,” They laughed slightly at the look on his face and shook her head. “Oh, don’t look at me like that, I knew it was what you were thinking because it is what I would think if I were in your position right now, that’s all.”
“...Right.”
“And to answer your question from earlier, I don’t know all that much, to be frank. I only see little snippets and I had to piece them together myself. If you must know, I saw you and him, then a playscript, I think it was Shakespeare, then some flowers. Roses. All covered in blood. I’m sorry.”
He tensed up but tried to act calm, feeling the stress seep through into his words despite himself. “What do you mean you’re sorry? You don’t even know what it means besides being linked to me and Ev. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
She leaned her elbows against the table and rested her head against them, staring at him with those unnerving blue eyes once more.
“I know exactly what I’m talking about, and you do too. I’m terribly sorry because I know how painful the flowers get. It’s terrible that you have to hide it from everyone as you do. And painfully difficult, at that. I haven’t seen much but I can tell they’ve started getting bad and for your sake as well as Rosier’s and Reg’s, you need to tell them. Before it is too late.”
“Why are you talking like you know? You can’t know.”
She rolled her eyes and grinned slyly, tapping her fingers on the table, driving Barty mad. He wanted nothing more than to grab their shoulders and scream for them to stop pissing around but he knew that wouldn’t help. She paused, prob for dramatic effect. Maybe to make Barty suffer even more.
“Because I do. I may have only seen a few images of your…experience but I’m not stupid. I recognise hanahaki disease when I see it, of course I do. It would be stupid for me not to, I think.”
“What do you mean?”
She grinned wider and gestured for him to lean in. When he did, they covered the side of their face with their hand so anybody walking past would not be able to see it hear what she was saying. “Can you keep a secret?”
“Depends…what is it?”
“I had the flowers too.”
There was a moment of silence.
“Liar.”
The kindness in her eyes didn’t fade in the slightest at the accusation; if anything, it grew. “I’m not lying. I developed it in late October last year.” She saw the scepticism on his face and sighed. “Look.”
They reached into their pocket and drew out a singular petal. It was perfectly preserved and Barty thought it looked quite like a lily, not that he had that great a knowledge on flowers, apart from roses, partially thanks to his mother and partially due to recent experiences. Though he wasn’t entirely sure seeing as he hadn’t seen an orange lily before Maybe it was something else.
He thought he could make out some faint dark spots where blood may have seeped into the petal.
Pandora smiled at him as she placed the petal gently on the table. “It’s a tiger Lily. Ironic, really, not because of the tie to her and her name but because it has actually always been my favourite flower. You can’t imagine how annoying it was for that to be the thing that suddenly turned on me and tried to kill me. Or maybe you can. I don’t know. Did you like roses before?”
“I did. Roses were never my favourite, I always thought they were overrated to be honest but my mother adored them. She told me all the meanings of the different colours when I was little whilst my father was at work. Never when he was home though, that wouldn’t have ended well. I suppose it ended up being useful in the end, didn’t it?” He paused, taking in a steadying breath, “It’s a shame, really. They always used to leave me with fond memories of my mother but now they’re just a bit depressing. That’s cheesy, isn’t it?”
Pandora didn’t seem to be judging him. “No. It’s sweet. And rather tragic really, I’m sorry such a familiar comfort has turned on you like that. Maybe one day you’ll be able to see them as you used to.”
“Let’s be honest here, I’ll die before I even start to like them again. They’re gonna kill me, Pandora. They’re gonna kill me and I’m fine with that. There’s no point in being optimistic about it. I’m not in need of protection from my own fate,” His voice trailed off at the end and Pandora looked at him with pity. After sensing that this was no way to keep on their good side, he cleared his throat and continued, looking at his fists, where they were shaking on the table, white from how tightly they were clenched. “But thanks for the thought. Erm…tiger lilies, then? They’re pretty big flowers, it must have been painful to cough them up like that.”
“Oh, it was. I can imagine it is worse for you though. I mean…roses. Thorns. Ouch.”
“Yeah, well, I’ve lived through it so far. So…you had hanahaki too? And survived?”
“Yes, I did! She confessed in late Spring. It was getting rather horrible by then and she just…figured it out. She always has been ever so smart like that. I think it’s one of the reasons I fell in love with her. She waited outside my herbology lesson and confronted me about it. Oh, that makes it sound horrid, doesn’t it? It wasn’t. It was quite romantic, actually. She led us down to the lake and sat down. Then she told me she figured it out and once I admitted it, she confessed to me. It was so magical. And not in the sense that we’re witches. It just felt…so surreal. There was some real magic too, of course. I felt the plant shrivel to nothing almost instantly. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it, you know?” They seemed partly zoned out, dreamily staring at nothing before coming back to the real world. “You’ll understand the feeling one day, I promise.”
He ignored the final comment. “But…that doesn’t make sense. The cases per year are almost zero. The chances of us both having it and knowing each other are…astronomical.”
“Oh, come on! You’re supposed to be clever! Or has Reg been lying to me? You don’t seriously think you’re the first person to hide it, do you? It’s basic human survival instinct. You fear being caught and experimented on so you hide it to protect yourself and the person you have it for. I thought at least that much would be obvious to you. I’m actually fairly certain there are at least a few dozen more cases each year than are reported.”
“Well now I feel significantly less special, thanks Pandora.”
Pandora laughed and shook her head. “The point I’m trying to make is that you should blindly believe everything that little book you have tells you. And you should be more careful about reading it too. If I had been anybody else, the rumours could be halfway around the castle by now. And if Evan finds out that way, he is more likely to panic and reject you. So be more careful from now on.”
He nodded and they remained silent for a few more minutes. Then Barty looked up again, curiosity taking over from the sceptical look he had previously worn.
“So…you really did have it, then?”
“Of course. I wouldn’t lie, what would be the point in that?” She was oddly patient with him. It was a little bit uncomfortable, it sort of made him feel like a naughty child.
“Erm, if you don’t mind me asking…who did you have it for?”
They laughed at that and Barty felt somewhat offended, he had been so used to Pandora kindly explaining things that this hurt a little more than it should have.
“You really don’t listen, do you? The amount of times me and Regulus mention her and you still don’t have a clue. But that isn’t even the point. I’m here to tell you to tell Evan the truth. You agreed to speak later, yes?”
“How did you- oh, right. Erm, yeah? But I really don’t think that-”
“Nope, you need to tell him. I know better than anyone how difficult it is to tell someone about this but you really do have to. How do you expect to survive if you don’t tell him? Come on, it’s clear he’ll say it back. Have you seen you two?”
He sighed and leaned forwards, whispering so nobody could overhear. “Well I wasn’t actually planning on surviving this, if you must know. Why else would I have just sat around and let it happen until now?”
“You’ve got to be joking! I did the exact same thing and I’m here telling you no that it would be better if you just told him because then you would at least have some chance at a future, but you decide to ignore me and let yourself die a slow and painful death? Regulus did tell me you made stupid decisions but this is ridiculous! You must have at least considered-”
“Pandora. Stop. No, I haven’t, okay? I haven’t considered telling him because it’s perfectly clear he sees me as no more than a friend, alright? I’m letting myself die because it’s better than leaving him riddled with guilt for not loving me and then me dying in embarrassment instead. Remember how you always used to see us flirting when you hung out with Reg? Yeah, well, he ignored me for a week over it. And if you must know, we’ve been doing perfectly fine recently and I would rather die with those memories than ones of him crying and blaming himself after he rejects me, yeah?”
He stood up and grabbed his books from the table. Walking towards the exit but turning around at the sound of Pandora’s voice, scared of what they were going to say.
“Just, for your sake and his…think about it. Yeah?”
Barty hesitated, then nodded, then left the library, heading back up to the dorms.
-
Evan looked up as they heard the door to the dorm open and slam. He was going to snap at Barty to not slam doors but changed his mind when he saw the haunted look on his face.
“What happened? You look like you’ve been punched by a ghost.”
He shook his head and sat down on the corner of his bed, putting the books he was carrying on the floor and kicking them underneath it.
“Just had a weird conversation with that Nott kid. The one Reg is friends with. I was right, they’re a bit creepy to talk to. How do they know everything? I swear, she had a comment prepared for everything I was gonna say, it was annoying.”
Evan frowned. “Pandora Nott came to talk to you? Wow, never thought I would see the day. Must have been something important, wanna talk about it?”
He flopped down onto his back and closed his eyes, letting his arms flop over his face.
“I’d rather not.”
“Well, I suppose that leaves us time to talk about you then, doesn’t it?”
Groaning, Barty turned over onto his side so Evan couldn’t see his face. “I don’t want to. Can we backtrack and talk about Nott, please, because now I think about it, she-”
Firmly, but not without humour, Evan spoke over him. “Nope, I don’t want to hear it. You promised. Come on, talk to me or I’ll start ignoring you again.”
This got his attention. “You wouldn’t dare!”
“Do you want to find out?” He teased.
“No! No, I don’t. Come on, let's talk, no time to waste. Get talking, Rosier.”
They laughed and sat down next to him, waiting for him to sit up properly and get comfortable.
“So I’m going to ignore the fact you lied to me, because I trust you at least a little bit and believe that you did it because you didn’t want to worry me. But,”
Of course there was a but.
“You need to promise now that you will tell me if something like this happens again or if it gets worse, okay?”
“...Sure. Yeah, of course I will.”
-
That was a lie. He wouldn’t. He couldn’t. But if it was going to keep Evan comforted then it was the only thing he could do.
“You promise?”
“Yup.”
“Right. Well, now we have that dealt with, tell me what’s been going on. And don’t lie, I’m asking because I care about you, not because I’m going to use it against you.” They leaned against the bed pillar and didn’t look away.
“I know you wouldn’t-”
Evan raised a hand and inhaled deeply, probably trying to swallow his anger. “I know. But I can’t help but think that when you’re so blatantly avoiding talking to me about it, can I?”
He nodded, sat up and looked down at his hands. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that to you. I didn’t want to scare you, you have to believe me, Evs.”
“I do.” And he looked like it. He looked like he believed it. And that made it worse, the way he was so quick to believe what Barty said without fighting back too much. He wasn’t lying about that part, but the fact he was so obliviously accepting of all the lies made him feel ill. The guilt would choke him more than the flowers were if he didn’t stop thinking about it soon. “Now, tell me.”
“Merlin, do you have to be so…assertive about it? You’re acting like this is a ministry inquiry.”
“Oh, I’m sorry I worry about my friends when they lie about being sick. Stop jumping around the point and tell me what the fuck is going on or mark my words, I’ll get Pomfrey and tell her everything I know until we figure out what’s wrong.”
“Alright, mum.” He knew this was still him avoiding Evan’s question but he needed time to think of what to say without giving too much away.
“Enough of that. Stop being snarky and spill.” Evan was very clearly not giving up. He never did.
“Alright, alright…this is weird, isn’t it? It feels like we’ve been going in circles, doesn’t it? We ignore each other, then we don't, you think something is wrong, I deny it, you ignore it and then you ask me again a week later. It’s strange.”
“Barty,” He warned sternly. “Stop.”
“Yeah, no, right. I’m avoiding answering you, sorry, I didn’t even notice I was doing it. So, what do you want to know?”
“Everything. Why are we going around in these circles you just mentioned? Tell me, Barty, tell me.”
This was it. They had gone in circles for months and it hadn’t helped anything. Pretending nothing was wrong wasn’t the way to go about it. He needed to be honest. Well, as honest as he could be. He still had to keep the truth tucked away, of course, he couldn’t just do what Pandora said if he wanted to live any longer, but he could admit that something was wrong, it might help him get away with sneaking off to dispose of the flowers in his chest without so much suspicion. Well, that is what he hoped.
“Stress. That’s what’s wrong. I’m sorry I’ve been lying and making excuses but I was embarrassed. I’ve been stressed for so long and I think it’s because of the fact it’s our last year and we have exams and then it’s over and we need to go out and get jobs and live and try not to fail and I feel like maybe after school you won’t want to be around you anymore because there’s no point and you’re not obliged to and I don’t know how to stop feeling so stressed and I’ve tried everything to not tell you because if you try to help me it will only make it worse.” The last part was the truth. If Evan knew what was going on and tried to help, it would go terribly. At least that much was honest.
“Why would I abandon you?”
He shrugged.
“Because I was scared that if you found out that you unknowingly caused me stress and pain, you would try to fix it and that would make the guilt worse for both of us and you would think I was pathetic and you’d give up.” He knew Evan wasn’t the type to give up but he didn’t care about that now. He was being dramatic, not rational.
“I would never give up on you. You know that, stop being foolish. You know I wouldn’t do that when you needed my help.”
“I know.”
Evan sighed and placed a hand on his shoulder, rubbing it gently. “Do you, though? Because I feel like if you did truly believe it, you wouldn’t have been worried about being honest to me. If you did know that I would never abandon you, we wouldn’t have spent so long repeating ourselves and continuously hiding things from each other. Would we?” He asked. “And I know this whole…cycle is my fault in the first place, but you helped it happen.”
“Why is it your fault?” He whispered, leaning a fraction closer and letting his eyes flitter over Evan’s face.
“Barty, I ignored you for a week,” He deadpanned. “I’m pretty sure that classifies as my fault.”
Barty reached out a hand slowly, and tried to ignore the pain searing through his chest, throat, and arms. He let his fingertips brush the skin of Evan’s cheek.
Evan’s face twitched under his touch, and he smiled, moving his hand closer to hold his face, to cradle it softly, and, resting his palm on Evan’s lightly flushed cheek, Barty sighed lightly and tilted his head to the side; he looked at Evan’s face with a peculiar expression, and then brushed a thumb over his face, almost absentmindedly.
“Rosebud…” His voice was shallow, barely even there. “Evs, can I ask you to do something for me?”
They were frozen, staring at Barty blankly. “I…suppose?”
Then, in a breathy whisper, he said something dangerously suspicious and prayed to whatever God was out there that Evan would just say yes. That he wouldn’t question it and would just agree. Because that was all he needed him to do.
“Promise me, Ev, promise me that…if anything happens to me at any stage in life, for any reason,” He held Evan’s face a little tighter. “You won’t blame yourself. Never blame yourself for the shit that happens to me. No matter what happens, or how guilty you think you are, never let that guilt find you.”
Evan stared, dumbfounded. “Bar…-”
“Promise me.” He insisted, his voice a little louder. A little stronger. And much more desperate.
They stared into his eyes, searching frantically for answers to the millions of questions running through their brain. Then they gave in.
“I promise.”
“Okay,” Was the quiet response. “Mm, okay.” He shuffled, leaning closer and letting his lips rest on Evan’s forehead for a few seconds, fighting fiercely against everything that threatened to ruin their moment. And for a moment, it listened. The plant settled, stilling, not lashing out at him. It stopped; buds and thorns and all.
Until he pulled back, everything went calm. And then it came back. Worse than before.
“I’m going to take a bath,” He muttered, as he stood up and left.
-
Barty itched his chest irritably, feeling the vines move around deep within him, like they had gotten restless and decided to take a little wander. They seemed to be tearing their way from his chest, trying to explore elsewhere before he started to rot and die. Tormentingly slowly, they were slowly making their way further across his body. He knew that logically he should’ve been long dead by then, but he supposed the magic of the disease was preserving his body for the time being. Or something like that, he couldn’t be too sure, he didn’t know enough about the condition to be entirely certain of what was happening and what was causing it.
Hopefully they wouldn’t spread any further; he would end up needing to ask somebody about it if they did and he really didn’t want to talk to Pandora about this, seeing as it would only result in them trying to persuade him to tell Evan.
He just prayed (maybe rather stupidly) that they would give him a moment of peace for once.
-
“The party’s started downstairs,” Evan slumped down onto his bed and dumped his belongings next to him, pulling two bottles of Firewhiskey from his large robe pockets and gently placing them on his bedside table, next to Hamlet.
“Is that all you brought?”
They glared at him with a tight scowl. “If you have an issue, go and get more by yourself.”
“I wasn’t complaining, I just…whatever.” He grabbed a bottle and used his teeth to open it, making Evan wince and scoff disapprovingly.
“Your teeth are going to flake apart if you keep doing that,” he commented, using his wand to open his bottle. He smiled and rolled his eyes amicably at the way Barty took a big swig of his drink, then promptly started coughing, clearly forgetting just how strong the drink was. “Calm down, we’ve got just over an hour to go before midnight so don’t down it all in one, sit with me and chat for a bit.”
“An hour, you say?” Barty grunts out as he lowers himself onto the floor, crossing his legs and leaning back against the nearest bedpost.
Silently, Evan nods, and then looks up with a smug smile.
“Yep. Why, are you counting down the minutes until you get to kiss this gorgeous face?” He notices the pained look on Barty’s face, like he is trying to swallow something down, and they cannot help but feel a little hurt by it. Not wanting to dwell on it too much, he swiftly changed the conversation topic to something much less delicate. Or so he hoped it would be.
“So, what are you planning to do after school is over? I mean…that’s it, then, isn’t it? There’s no more school…ever. Well, you could always get an apprenticeship or go to a muggle university but it isn’t the same, and we wouldn’t have the qualifications they want anyway. So, now I think about it, there’s basically just one path we can follow, isn’t there? We either get a job, or end up alone and poor.”
He cut off his own ramblings and focused on his friend’s mixed expression. He tried his best to convince himself that nothing was wrong.
“You could never be poor, Evs, you’re probably one of the richest fucks in the school, bar Reggie, of course.” He sighed and tilted his head up slightly, scrunching his nose while he fell deep into thought. “I’ve never really thought about what I’m going to do after school. I’ll probably pass everything anyway so I’ll make it all up as I go along.”
“What do you mean, you’ve never thought of it? NEWTS are this year, Barty, it’s more important now than ever to have a good idea of what you want.”
He shrugged and took a sip of his drink, looking rather pained, though Evan couldn’t tell whether it was his horrible alcohol tolerance or some kind of mental torment following him around that night.
“Takes away all the fun, though, doesn’t it? Nobody wants a boring point by point plan of their life, do they? Nah, you and Reggie may have had your lives perfectly arranged for you from the moment of conception, but I would rather die than be forced to choose what I’m going to spend the rest of my life doing and stick to it. It just sounds so boring, don’t you think? There’s no freedom to change or do something spontaneous.”
“Spontaneity is what lands you in trouble, Barty.” Evan chided, but not without humour. “Surely you’ve learnt that by now?”
“I never learn, Ev, it's all a part of my charm.”
Evan laughed and shook his head fondly. The two of them fell into a comfortable silence for a few moments, taking in the seconds like they needed to savour them, as if they had just realised how little time they still had like this. Like they had only just realised how close they were to the end of an era and the start of the next. At least, that is how Evan saw it. He could only assume that Barty felt the same way, but he could not be too certain.
“Come over here.” Barty patted the space in between his legs and Evan shuffled across the floor towards him, settling down, leaning back against his chest like it was a reflex. He sighed and closed his eyes, feeling Barty’s arms wrap around his waist gently, so softly that it was almost as if they were not even there.
He started to rock from side to side slowly, like he was soothing a frightened animal, and Evan went along with it, breathing a quiet chuckle and keeping his eyes closed and mouth twitched up into a contented smile as they moved smoothly. It’s nice. Comfortable. Wonderful. Evan can’t imagine anything more delicate than that very moment. Not for the first time in the past week, they were rather glad that Regulus was not there to completely ruin the moment, not that they would ever say that to his face.
Speaking of Regulus.
“What do you think Reg is up to right now?” He whispers, like they’re hiding away from him at that very moment.
Barty hummed thoughtfully. “Probably something debaucherous, knowing him.”
Evan pulled a face. “Ugh, don’t put that kind of image in my mind!”
“You’re the one thinking it, I just gave your mind a little prompting, is all.” He smirked and tilted his face to the side, then he pressed his cheek to the top of Evan’s head and tightened his arms around their waist. “You’re a nasty man, Rosier. Absolutely terrible.” He whispered the last part, almost provocatively teasing. But Evan didn’t take the bait.
Perfectly content, Evan laughed and sighed, bliss evident in their voice when they muttered softly. “I reckon we’ll be okay, don’t you? We’ll be there for each other forever, just the three of us. So when you ultimately fail to get a job, you can move in with me. We’ll invite Reg around on Fridays for dinner, maybe Potter too if he behaves himself. I’ll never escape you, I think.” He paused momentarily. “I don’t mind that, though. You can bother me for the rest of our lives and I’d be glad of it. You’re probably the only person I could never get sick of,” he smiled to himself. “Don’t tell Reg that, though.”
Barty was silent.
“Unless you don’t want that, obviously, I didn’t mean to put any pressure on-”
“Of course I want that.” He cut Evan off a little sharply, pulling him closer into his chest and breathing in deeply. “Of course I do, I want that more than anything.”
Despite the certainty he tried to convey, Barty’s voice sounded raw and almost mournful.
“Okay.”
“Okay,” he echoed, quietly, gently, painfully tender.
Tentatively, Evan moved his hand from where it was resting on his thigh, and let it find Barty’s, untangling it from his other hand and holding it in his own, looking down at their hands with an amused grin.
“You have pretty big hands for such a short person.”
Barty scoffed and used his other hand to completely envelope Evan’s, as if he was trying to prove his point, “I’m not short. I’m a perfectly average height, thank you very much.”
“I don’t know, considering you have certain advantages against me yet are still shorter, I’d say that makes you pretty short.”
“I don’t have advantages! My growth hormones just got bored quickly, that’s all.”
They both laughed at that, snorting and clinging onto each other.
“Okay, now you’re just making excuses.”
“I’m not!” He protested, still laughing. “It’s true, Ev, they told me in a dream.”
“You had a prophetic dream where you spoke to your own hormones?”
Barty nodded. “Yup.”
“I don’t think I ever want to know what goes on in that mind of yours.”
“You’d probably explode from the number of ingenious ideas I have.”
“Oh yeah? Somehow, I severely doubt that.”
-
Barty was in pain. He was always in pain these days, but this level of physical contact happening time and time again over the past few days had just been an invitation for the hanahaki to spread and take control of him even more than it already did. Somehow, it was worth it.
He felt the vines in his shoulders and chest shudder as a cough built up in his throat, dragging a fully bloomed rose with it, which he had to quietly spit out on the floor behind him, glad Evan had their eyes closed. He couldn’t even see what colour it was through the blood coating the delicate bloom entirely. Like wine staining fabric, it was ruthless in the way it soaked its way into every last nanometre of petal it could reach. It made Barty feel sick to his core.
Everything he had been fighting against for the past few months finally caught up to him, crashing down in one big wave, suffocating him and leaving him powerless against his own mind. And so, with Evan lying obliviously against his chest, and the clock slowly ticking closer to midnight, the start of the last year he would ever see creeping up on them, he finally let himself cry. He let himself release the stress of this pathetic disease, of his impending death, of the torment he had faced ever since the day of his birth. He let himself feel the pain his father had caused him, the weight of his mother’s condition, the fear of something happening to Reg if he ever went back to that house, everything he had ever forced himself to ignore. Clinging to Evan with pure deseration, he bit his tongue in an attempt to keep himself silent, so Evan didn't see how much of a mess he was and worry about him.
He had worried them enough.
All he wanted to do now was die quickly and quietly, so Evan
wouldn’t have the time to blame himself.
But the flowers wouldn’t allow it. And for that, he hated them all the more.
He tilted his head down and buried his face in Evan’s hair, smiling at the smell of strawberry shampoo that masked the tingling, metallic smell of the blood that was stained onto his lips. He didn’t like strawberries too much, but Evan loved them, so the smell of them had become somewhat comforting to him. Evan sighed happily under his touch and whispered faintly, keeping their eyes closed.
“I bet Regulus is getting yelled at by his brother for not telling him where he’s staying for the holidays around now, don’t you?”
He chuckled wetly, hoping Evan wouldn’t be able to tell he was crying.
“Absolutely, they’re probably completely plastered by now. Lupin and Pettigrew are probably pulling them apart as we speak.”
Evan snorted at the thought and sat up slightly, turning to the side and laying back across Barty’s chest, resting their head against his shoulder, their nose pressed into his neck in a way that made the vines in Barty’s body twist and lash at his insides. As a way of distracting himself, Barty finished the rest of his drink in one go, taking the kick of it better than Evan made him out to be able to.
He looped an arm around Evan’s waist and brushed his thumb across the fabric of his shirt, ignoring the vicious lacerating of the thorns in his chest. They seemed to be spreading further down his arms and chest, piercing through layers of flesh on their quest to slowly kill him, but he pretended everything was fine, and focused all of his energy on Evan.
Time passed and they stayed where they were, perfectly at ease with the relative silence between them, only cutting in every so often to make an off comment about something, but mainly just sitting with their own thoughts, leaning against each other almost like a married couple would. The floor wasn’t particularly comfortable, but neither of them made a move to get up, so they stayed there as the minutes passed, in what they hoped would be a moment they wouldn’t forget.
They were so relaxed that they both flinched at the sound of the bell ringing for midnight, quickly followed by cheering echoing from all around the castle, causing Evan to laugh loudly, sit up straight, and cover his ears to block out some of the booming noise.
-
He squeezed his eyes close and waited a few seconds for the deafening cheering to calm to a rumble. Once it had, they quickly removed them and looked back at his friend’s slightly shaken expression, he had clearly been just as unaware of the time as Evan had been.
Silently, Evan sent him a questioning look, which led to a momentary silent conversation, before Evan leant forwards, took hold of Barty’s face with both of his hands, and leaned in to press their lips together.
As their brains caught up with their actions, the two of them started to laugh against each other’s mouths, slightly hysterical from nerves and adrenaline. It wasn’t too deep of a kiss, just enough to balance dangerously on the edge of platonic, when Barty broke away first, still grinning like a madman.
Evan smiled back and let his head flop heavily onto Barty’s shoulder, hiding from the world in the hopes that the typical teenage bashfulness would leave him be.
“Happy new year, Barty.”
“Happy new year, Rosebud. Let’s hope it’s a good one, yeah?”