Chapter 4
“I think you should read that play to me at some point. I mean, I did quote it without knowing a few weeks back so I would love to know the context of the line I said,” He picked up the tattered copy of Hamlet lying underneath several layers of parchment and turned it over in his hands, flicking through the pages. “Why have you written all over it? Aren’t you supposed to read the words in your head, not draw things on them?’
Evan huffed and stepped over the pile of dirty clothes and discarded textbooks on the floor, taking the book swiftly out of Barty’s grip, not giving him the chance to drop it into some magical abyss or accidentally feed it to a random goat he would undoubtedly accidentally conjure. “They aren’t drawings, they are annotations. What is the point in reading a book if you can’t record your thoughts in it to look back on later? Besides, the play was written almost 400 years ago, the English language has evolved since then, so I like to keep track of what certain quotes mean or imply, it makes it easier to understand if I am rereading it or flicking back through it. Also, I don’t see how you expect me to read a play to you by myself. It would get all complicated with the stage directions and multi rolling as every damn character. Read it yourself if you are so interested in the story.”
He stared at Evan and blinked stupidly a few times. “Evan…I think I understood around 3 words of what you just said. And I don’t want to read it myself, it will be so much more interesting if you read it for me.”
“Well, tough, if you don’t care enough to read it yourself, you won’t have me putting my time and energy into reading it to you and explaining absolutely everything to you whilst making a complete fool of myself due to having conversations with myself as four different people. It is almost impossible,” The fact Evan managed to say all of that ramble without taking a single breath was rather admirable.
Barty shrugged. “You’ll find a way.”
“I don’t want to find a way. I want to make my life some degree easier by not reading you plays you won't understand a single word of.”
“Pleeeease! I’ll listen and I won’t ask too many questions. Anyway, you can just read the stage directions and character names, I don’t mind. It won’t ruin it! Please, Ev! My darling dearest Rosebud!” Saying that last part made the thorned vines twist further around his heart but he ignored it.
“Nope.”
Barty stepped closer and took Evan’s face in his hands, tilting it up slightly so they were looking directly into each other’s eyes. Doing so resulted in him feeling his throat start to fill up with flowers, the faint scratching of thorns coming with them, but once again, he pretended he couldn’t feel it. “Please? I am genuinely interested! I will shut up and listen when you’re reading it, I promise!”
Evan sighed and paused, though just before he could respond, they both heard Regulus clearing his throat and turned to see him standing awkwardly in the doorway. “Sorry, am I interrupting something?” He looked between his two best friends, noting how their faces were only centimetres apart.
Barty dropped his hands from Evan’s face and they both stepped back a little.
“No, Ev’s just being an arsehole.”
Regulus looked between them with curiosity. “How so?”
Exhausted, Evan lifted his arms in the form of a surrender, telling Regulus he didn’t have much of a clue. “I told him I wouldn’t read Hamlet to him and he started pleading. It was getting annoying. I was going to cave and agree when you came in.”
Instantly, Barty’s face lit up. “You agree?! You want to do it! Yes! Thank you, Evs!”
Evan placed the book back on the desk and sat on his bed. “You’re welcome. I’ll read you the first scene tomorrow if you’re not insufferable.”
Barty smiled and went to respond but then realised just how close the petals had gotten. He nodded quickly and tried not to look in a hurry as he stepped into the bathroom, letting the flowers flow freely from his mouth. They were mostly yellow petals, with a few purple buds and one whole flower, stem, thorns and all, it was slightly covered in blood from where he had let it claw at his throat, but was still clearly a deep pink, much like the colour of the lipstick his mother wore when she was going out with friends. It was dark and strong, the shade so clearly shouting dependence, passion and irreversible infatuation.
Barty had it bad. That much was for sure.
-
Barty flushed the petals quickly and cleared his throat, trying to look presentable as he left the bathroom, walking into the main dorm room and took a seat on Evan’s bed, waiting for him with a practised smile. He didn’t think that being too close to Evan would be a particularly smart idea, after considering what seemed to make the flowers worse, but he couldn’t just…not talk to him. They were friends again and being around Evan always made him happy, so he chose to bottle it up and pretend he wasn’t being torn up from the inside out.
Evan walked into the dorm and stopped when he saw Barty sitting on his bed, smiling and waving quickly. He moved over and sat down next to him, grabbing the book from his bedside table and holding it up in question.
“I’m guessing this is what you’re here for?”
Barty grinned and nodded, trying to relax as much as he could. “Yup. Can you read it? You said you’d do it today and I’m impatient.”
Evan sighed and shook his head. “I was going to do my transfig homework, but fine. Just one scene.”
Gawping, Barty whined. “One? At least do one act,” He begged. “Please?”
“Alright, just act one.”
He smiled broadly and Evan rolled his eyes. He patted the other side of the bed, watching Barty shuffle along to lie down and then leant back next to him. He paused for a moment and tapped Barty’s arm, signalling him to shuffle closer and put his head on his chest. If he was going to have to interact with him for a while longer, he should at least do it properly.
“I’m just going to read the stage directions and character names as I go. I don’t know if that will make it more confusing or not but I suppose you’ll be stopping me to ask questions every other line anyway so it doesn’t matter too much,” Evan whispered, running a finger along the words of the first line. “Is that okay?
“Yes.”
Evan smiled and nodded. Then, softly, he began to read.
-
In the following weeks, he managed to gain more control over the flowers, mostly being able to keep them down, clogging up his heart and throat instead of showing themselves in front of everyone, especially Evan. Of course, there were a few occasions where it got too much, where he could feel his eyes start to water at the raking of the thorns twisting their way sound his heart and lungs, clawing up and up his throat, trying to escape. Sometimes he barely made it to cover before the flowers scraped their way out.
Barty had the suspicion that his friends had noticed that he was acting differently and looked ill but were too worried to say anything. He supposed it was better that they had not brought it up to him, seeing as he would not have to find a fake explanation for it all, and assumed that they had not yet mentioned it to anyone else either, given that he hadn’t been hounded down by a horrified Pomfrey yet.
It was only a week before the Christmas break that Barty realised just how much worse things could get. Worse than having to pretend he was okay while he was slowly dying. Because the thing that was indirectly killing him was going to be all he had for two weeks. Just his luck.
“So, where are you going for Christmas, Reg?”
“What?” He hadn’t considered the idea that Regulus might not be staying over the holidays. He just assumed that the three of them would stay behind together. Now there was a possibility he would be stuck with Evan for over two weeks, alone, which would make it all the more difficult to pretend he wasn’t dying quicker every second he was with them. “You’re staying behind, right?”
Regulus smirked and shrugged. “Well, that’s what my parents think, yeah.”
“Hm. And where are you actually going?”
Evan laughed suddenly and shook his head in disbelief. “Oh, you’re going to sneak away and stay with Potter, aren’t you?”
Regulus grinned.
With a fake smile on his face, Barty nodded and hummed.“And…does your brother know anything about this?”
“Ah, about that. He won’t find out until he visits and I’m already there,” He smiled, waving a dismissive hand at Barty’s worried expression. “We’ll be fine.”
“Oh,” He didn’t want to seem rude but he desperately wanted to grab Regulus by the forearms and beg him not to leave, to insist that he stay for the holidays. Two and a half weeks around Evan, trying to hide his approaching death really wasn’t what he would class as ideal. “Right, of course. That makes sense. Well, have fun, I guess. I’m staying, I’d rather not see dearest dad in one of his moods when he finally speaks to us on Christmas day, if you know what I mean. You're staying too, aren’t you, Ev?” He asked, trying to smile as he asked about Evan’s plans, despite the fact he was internally screaming the castle down.
Evan looked up from where they were playing with a loose string on their robe and smiled politely. “Yup. Thought I should keep you company seeing as you always stay,” Oh. No Evs, please, I don’t want you to stay, you’re killing me. Literally.
He blinked and stumbled over his words, trying to use his hands to help him explain but just looking like a fool. “Oh, thanks Ev. But I really don’t want you to feel forced to stay. If you want to go home and-”
“Be stuck with that miserable bunch for two and a half weeks? No chance. My Dear mother still thinks they’ve placed me in the girl’s dorm, I wouldn’t be able to mention either of you without all her questioning me on it. I’d rather not be called her ‘little girl’ every 5 minutes, thank you. I want to stay.”
Barty felt like an idiot as his face went red and he mentally slapped himself. “Right. Yeah, of course, sorry, forgot about that.”
“Forgot about my mother or forgot that she’ll never actually see me as her son? Yeah, no, I know that isn't what you meant. Forget it.”
“Evs, really-”
Evan smiled kindly, and it made Barty want to punch him in the jaw. “No, don’t worry. It’s okay, I’m being dramatic, sorry.” He sighed lightly, almost too low to be noticeable, and leaned back, exhausted.
He silently sighed and crossed his arms into his chest. “Evan, you aren’t-”
“Really, it’s okay. Don’t get hung up on it.” Why did he have to be so kind all the time?
Barty didn’t contribute too much to the following conversation as he was too busy wondering how the fuck he was supposed to do this.
-
“Right, we’ll see you soon, Reg. Have fun, don’t be too naughty! We won’t have our sweet little Reg get himself involved in all the frivolous, ungodly acts teenagers these days-”
Barty was cut off by a hand to the mouth, Regulus clearly trying not to laugh. “Shut it, Barty. I don’t need you giving me the talk, you sound like my mother. Anyway, we’re technically both adults now, so I really don-”
“Did you just say I sounded like your MOTHER?! Are you hearing this, Ev?”
With a scowl, Regulus snapped back, as snarky always. “Well, maybe if you weren’t acting like the cow, I wouldn’t have compared you to her.”
He scoffed again and crossed his arms, defensively.
“That was a low blow, Black, a very low blow.”
“Yeah, well I wonder if Potter will react the same way as you to his bl-”
Just like Barty had been a few moments ago, Evan was met with a book to the head from a scowling Regulus and held a hand over where it had hit him, using his other to high five a cackling Barty.
“That was a good one, Ev.”
“Well, I would say that I learnt from the best but I don’t think your ego needs that. It’ll only expand enough to suffocate me over the holidays.”
“Harsh.”
“Oh, I’m sorry your highness, how would you like me to tend to your ego instead?”
Regulus was growing increasingly fed up, and huffed heavily, only to be ignored by the others.
“Well, my intelligence is certainly out of this world so if you would be so kind-”
“Yeah okay. I’ll let you two flirt in peace. Goodbye, I have a train to board.”
Knowing just how to annoy him the last little bit, Barty grinned and cupped his hands around his mouth to yell in Regulus’ face. “Bye Reggie!”
“Don’t fucking call me that!” He heard the two of them laughing and closed the dormitory door behind him faux-aggressively, hopefully by the time he had gotten back to school, they would have finally picked up the courage to actually talk to each other and realise how bloody obsessed with each other they were. Probably not. Ah well, a man could hope.
-
It had been ages. James was growing increasingly concerned by Regulus’ lack of awareness of the way life was continuing around him. He stood up from the sofa, slowly, and walked over to him, cursing his locked up joints from where he had been sitting down for too long. Sirius always said that it was because he was getting old, choosing to forget the fact he was older than James by a good few months.
He stood silently behind Regulus for a while, waiting for him to notice he had company. When he didn’t, James whispered into his ear, softly. “Hey, you okay? You’ve been staring at the floor for the past 7 minutes.”
Startled, Regulus jolted slightly and turned his head around, eyes slightly widened, caught off guard. He smiled and nodded, tilting his head to the side a little.
“Bit specific, were you counting?”
He felt James’ arms wrap around his waist and a kiss against his cheek. “Possibly.”
“Oh, of course you were,” He laughed, letting his head drop down to his chest. “I was just…thinking.”
“Ooo, mysterious. Gonna tell me what you were thinking about or am I being left in the dark? Is it about me?”
“No, it isn’t about you,” James fake-gasped, acting offended that he hadn’t been what was distracting Regulus for 7 minutes. “I’m just…worried.”
“About?”
“Barty.”
James frowned a little.
“Crouch?”
“Yup.”
James loosened his grip and reached out to take Regulus’ hand and pull him over to the sofa. “Didn’t think it was possible to worry for that guy. What has he done? Must be serious…ha, I certainly hope it wasn’t S-”
Regulus hid a smile and sighed. “Yeah, okay, thank you, that’s enough of that joke. If you try to finish that sentence, I’ll hang you from the roof by your balls.”
“Ahhh, you’re so boring Reggie. Come on, what is it?”
“I don’t know…he hasn’t done anything…it’s just…he’s been acting funny lately and I don’t like the fact I’ve just left him. Something is wrong, it has to be.”
Curiosity taking over, James slowly nodded.
“Funny? How?”
Regulus groaned loudly and threw his hands up, exasperated. “I don’t know…he seems…sick. He insists that he isn’t but I don’t believe him. I think Evan agrees.”
“Well, is Rosier there with him?”
He knew where James was going with this. “Yeah, but-”
“Then I’m sure they’ll tell you if anything goes wrong. Yeah?” He looked at Regulus like he was a fragile kitten he had to be gentle to at all times. As if he was too fragile to speak to normally.
“I suppose…”
James smiled and they stared at each other silently for a few moments.
“So, have those two finally confessed their feelings for each other?”
“Nope.”
“You’re joking!”
At least Regulus was laughing now. “No! I mean it! They are still insisting they’re ‘close friends’, it’s getting ridiculous.”
“Yeah, well, you just wait and see. By the time you get back to school, they’ll be all over each other.”
“Oh. no, that's the worst bit. They already are.”
"Still that same as I remember them, then?" He muttered, resting his head on Regulus’ shoulder.
"Entirely."
-
“Bar? Can I come in?”
After slowly opening his eyes, Barty looked up at the curtain around his bed and sat up, moving the corner across a bit so he could see Evan’s face. “Yeah, ‘course. Why?”
“Just…wanted to talk to you, that’s all.”
“Oh, okay. Um, yeah, come in.”
Carefully climbing into the bed, Evan sat opposite Barty, who held both of his hands out, Evan gladly took them and looked down at the way they intertwined, trying to think of the best way to word what he had to say.
“You gonna talk to me or just sit there looking miserable for all eternity?”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t worry. I wasn’t being mean, I was just picking fun. Come on, what is it?” He looked dangerously tired and his smile was at least a little forced.
“Erm…”
“You can tell me.”
“I know.”
Silence.
“Are you sick?”
“What?”
“I’m sorry, Regulus told me not to say anything and I know this will just make you distant and angry but I really don’t want to just sit and pretend that I don’t notice anything because I do and it is scaring me because you are acting all off and I can’t just let it slide until I know the truth. I know that you will just shut me down instantly because it’s you and that’s exactly what we were worried about in the first place, but I need to ask anyway because it is better than nothing and I don’t think I can possibly st-” He stopped talking when he realised that Barty was hugging him.
-
“Oh Evs, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were so worried, I should have noticed and said something. I’m okay. Nothing is wrong, I promise. I know you don’t believe me but I’m fine. I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine.” As he whispered the words, Barty knew that those words were more to comfort himself than Evan. Softly, delicately, he pressed a kiss into Evan’s hair, ignoring the searing pain of thorns dragging in his chest and leaning his chin against the top of their head, closing his eyes, waiting for them to call him a liar and leave.
Please don’t leave. Please don’t leave. I know you don’t believe me Evs, I know. I can’t tell you the truth, it would be worse than you never knowing why I unexpectedly died. You deserve to know but it would hurt us both. I want you to know the truth but I don’t want to tell you. You’re killing me, Ev, quite literally. If I told you that, you would try to fix it, you would try to tell me you love me and when it didn’t work, you would try to force me to take that fucking potion and drive yourself mad when I refused to take it. I can’t put that much stress on you. I couldn’t. It’s better if I leave you with no idea of how I died than forcing you to carry all that guilt forever. I’m sorry.
“Barty? Did you hear me?”
“Hmm?” He moved away slightly so he could look at Evan properly. “Sorry, Rosebud, I’m listening now. I got lost in my thoughts for a minute.” He still looked worried, almost scared now, and Barty didn’t know what else he could do to convince him that nothing was wrong.
“Are you sure? I know that if you were sick, you would deny it until you were practically on your death bed. I don’t want you to lie to me.”
“I know, I know sweetheart, I don’t want to lie to you either. I’m okay, Evs.” Evan nodded and his face fell heavily into his hands, his shoulders shaking slightly.
“Hey, hey hey hey, Ev, please, look at me. Don’t cry. Please. Evan, please don’t cry.” He felt a petal flutter down from the roof of his mouth, resting softly on his tongue, though the mental weight it carried was unimaginable, even if the flowers had been around for a while now. Maybe that was what made it feel worse.
Barty hadn’t even noticed the petal travel up his throat, which said rather a lot about how much he had gotten used to them being around. He spat it out quickly, glad Evan couldn’t see, and flicked it onto the ground, catching a small glimpse of it before he dragged it under the bed with the heel of his shoe. Black. Misery and grief. Great.
“Evan, Evs, come on, look at me.” He tried to pull Evan’s hands from his face but it took much longer than he would have liked, Evan still refused to look up.
-
No no no no no.
“Come on Evs, darling. Look at me.” Evan shook his head. No no no. I don’t want you to laugh at me. I just want to cry in peace.
“I’m not going to laugh at you.” Oh, brilliant, now he’s a mind reader.
“Did I say that out loud?”
Barty laughed, and Evan heard a slight falter that gave the impression that maybe Barty wasn’t completely tearless either. “No, you didn’t. I just know you too well.”
“Oh.” He looked up slightly.
“And before you say anything, I’m not a mind-reader either.”
They both laughed slightly before falling back into that awkward silence again. Evan caught himself yawning and quickly moved to leave.
“I should go.”
Before he could move an inch further, Barty grabbed him gently by the wrists and pulled him closer, shuffling to the side of the bed a bit and brushing the covers aside. “Nope.”
“What are you doing…?”
“Making you some room. You’re too tired to go back to your bed and I can tell that the second you are away from me, you’ll start panicking again so don’t even try to deny it. You’re staying with me.”
-
The second he said it, Barty regretted it. Not because he didn’t want to keep Evan close and make sure he was okay but because the thorns stretched even further, slowly climbing up his throat before pulling themselves abruptly back down to his lungs.
He felt layers of skin tear up under the ruthless scratching of the razor-sharp thorns across his throat and chest, doing his best to keep his expression impassive.
Evan shook his head, laughing awkwardly. “No, I don’t want to be a nuisance. Really-”
“Would you feel better sleeping next to me?”
“Well yes, but-”
“Nope, no buts. Come on.’ He patted the bed next to him and Evan hesitated, before slowly lying down next to Barty, letting him pull him into his chest. “This feels familiar, doesn’t it? It’s like in third year when I got those annoying nightmares and you let me stay in your bed, remember?”
“They weren’t exactly ‘annoying nightmares’ though, were they? You ended up needing four separate potions and a therapist to deal with them.”
“Ah, that’s all semantics though, isn’t it?” Evan let himself relax into Barty’s chest and wrapped an arm around his waist to pull him closer, whilst still giving him enough space to move if he wanted to.
“Thank you.”
He felt Barty kiss the top of his head and could have sworn his heart fluttered like that of a lovesick teen, which, he supposed, he was.
“Right, enough chat, go to sleep Rosebud.”
Silence.
“Sorry.”
“Huh? Why are you sorry?”
Because I keep assuming wrong because I am overly dramatic and I care about you too much so it makes me embarrass myself like this and makes everything so much worse.
“I don’t know…”
“Get some sleep, Evs.”