Chapter 7
It’s a miracle, really, that Remus even got out of bed. The dreaded exams have been lodged into the forefront of his mind. Professors reminding him of the O.W.Ls he had at the end of the year didn’t do much to uplift his mood.
And Remus, who overthinks and overworks on regular exam-free days, had been a mess of tousled curls, dark circles around tired eyes, chapped lips, and shaky hands. He was a mind crammed to the brim with words, and a stomach starved, empty except for stomach acid and an unhealthy amount of coffee. His chemical composition was more caffeine than it was anything else.
Remus knew that this obsession with grades would, to put it eloquently, bite him in the ass eventually. But all he could bear to do was postpone the inevitable. He hoped that the consequences of destroying his body, and frankly, abusing his mind, wouldn’t follow him at least until after the exams were over.
It was the night before the Potions exam, and Remus had been kicked out of the library. He had been studying for the better part of an entire day, and only left once Madam Pince threatened to alert his head of house for “disrespecting Hogwarts’ curfew rules.”
Remus muttered something bitter under his breath. “Fuck this fucking school. Fuck Dumbledore and his stupid fucking face and his stupid fucking rules.”
He continued with his mumblings until he reached the Gryffindor common room. He glared at the nonchalance of his peers. How dare they laugh and enjoy their time while exams were haunting them?
“Oh, fuck you, Alice. With your fucking jokes and your fucking laugh-“
“Remus?” A vaguely familiar voice called his name. Remus sent the person a glare, only to be met with an amused twitch of Sirius Black’s lips.
His lips…
Remus aimed his glare at a third year girl sitting in his usual seat. She somehow sensed this hostility, looked up slowly like a character from a horror movie, a look of pure terror made its way onto her face, and she scurried away quickly without Remus having to say anything. Sirius let out a little chuckle, and Remus huffed in frustration.
“What?” Remus grunted. Sirius snorted, raising his hands in surrender. Remus rolled his eyes. He sat down in his chair, reopening his books and starting to study again.
He could hear his friends’ voices as they laughed. Remus knew it wasn’t their fault, and that they couldn’t help being that way, but he couldn’t ever get rid of the anger in his chest at how effortlessly they plough through life.
Remus doesn’t think he’s ever seen Sirius open a book before. And yet he’s always at the top of the class, right next to James. Of course, Lily and Remus have been occupying first and second place since first year, but they’ve had to work harder than everyone else.
Remus hated them for it, just a little, deep down. He knew it was irrational, but it frustrated him to no end. How can they sit there, laidback, joking and smiling and being all happy while he had to endure hours of pure torture to get a grade that’s only slightly higher than theirs.
“Are you gonna study yourself to death?” Peter interrupted Remus’s studying, who didn’t glance up.
“Leave me alone.” He grunted.
“Oh, come on, Remus. Don’t be like that.” Peter breathed out, a little anxious. Remus instantly hated himself for putting that self-doubt in Peter, who'd told him once, while they were getting high, that he felt insecure 90% of the time.
“I just… I need to focus, Worms.” Remus said, softer. Peter nodded.
“Yeah, but, I know for a fact that you haven’t eaten anything all day, and haven’t drank any water, and haven’t taken a break longer than 2 minutes.” Peter sounded concerned, and Remus hated himself all over again.
“I’m fine, Wormy. I’ll rest when I’m done.” Remus said, a little distracted as he dipped his quill into the ink haphazardly. He ignored the way the ink splatters all over his fingers and the oakwood table.
“It’s 10 pm.” Peter said, standing stiffly. Remus realised that this was Peter being defiant.
“I’ll rest when I’m done.” Remus repeated, finality to his tone. Peter exhaled, a little dramatically, and sat down on the sofa facing Remus, right between James and Sirius.
“When was the last time you’ve had a shag?” Sirius asked, and it took a whole minute of silence before Remus realised it was aimed towards him.
Remus looked up, eyebrows raised, only to find Sirius staring at him with an odd expression. Remus blushed furiously, ducking his head to hide his reddened face from Sirius. “Piss off.” He muttered. Sirius laughed.
“Pronsyyyy,” Sirius sang, “you don’t have your fathers good ol’ Invisibility Cloak, do you?”
•••
Sirius wouldn’t tell the others about his secret plotting. Remus warned him that if it was a prank on Snape, he’d never speak to Sirius again. Sirius simply grinned mischievously, “can’t confirm or deny, Moony.” He had said.
This did not comfort Remus.
Sirius had been increasingly aloof and mysterious, which irked James to no end.
I don’t understand why you won’t just tell us, Padfoot!” He had exclaimed in the dorm late at night, “we tell each other everything.”
He was met with frustrated shushing from both Peter and Remus.
While James resorted to nagging Sirius for answers, Remus was glad Sirius’s attention wasn’t on him anymore.
He had been suspicious of something. Remus could tell Sirius didn’t understand what it was that Remus was hiding. Eating disorders and self-harm aren’t common in the Wizarding World, much to Remus’s relief. It would’ve raised an even larger red flag in Madam Pomfrey, who had seen every inch of Remus’s skin.
Though she knew his behaviour was… odd, to say the least, she hadn’t suspected it was a sign of some inner turmoil or crisis. She’d probably just assumed that Remus coped with cutting, like some cope with smoking; they know it’s bad for them, but it helps.
“Potions and Charms results tomorrow!” Lily barged into the boy’s dormitory. “Excited?” Lily grinned, looking frazzled and a little hysterical.
Remus felt a swoop in his stomach. He had made a mistake in his Potions exam, and have been dreading seeing the result. He had already had two panic attacks because of it, and had punished himself further, cutting into his skin like he never had before.
His skin still felt sensitive to the touch. If Remus’s thigh brushed against fabric, he was sure he’d cuss out in pain.
“Remus…?” Lily waves a hand in front of his face. Remus blinks, looking up and smiling tensely.
“Yeah, um, excited.” He mumbled mildly, feeling his panic bubbling beneath his skin.
He needed a cigarette.
He excused himself hastily, ignoring Lily’s worried eyes.
He practically ran to the bathroom, locking the door behind him and breathing heavily.
He pulled a pack of rolling papers and his baggy of tobacco. He pulled the cover of the toilet and sat down on it. He opened up the small window right about it, and quickly rolled some cigarettes. He pulled out a zippo, lighting a rough-looking cigarette he had placed between his lips.
He inhaled a bit too keenly, smoke going straight to his lungs. He exhaled, closing his eyes as calmness swept over him.
He heard a knock at the door, destroying his peace.
“I’m taking a fat fucking shit. Go away.” He called. From the other side of the door, Sirius let out a loud bark of laughter.
“Damn, Moony. Your shit smells just like a cigarette!” Remus can tell Sirius is chuckling at himself for that horrible joke.
“You aren’t funny!” Remus huffed, but couldn’t help but let out a quiet laugh at Sirius’s ridiculousness.
“You don’t need to hide your smoking from Lily, by the way. She’s left.” Sirius spoke through the door.
Remus nodded, and realised Sirius couldn’t see him. He exited the bathroom, half-smoked cigarette between his lips. Sirius stared a little too long at it. Sirius tried to grsb one from Remus’ back pocket, and the latter froze as Sirius’ hand grazed-
Sirius’ hand grazed his fucking ass.
“Excuse me, Moony. Your ass is in the way of my cigarettes.” Sirius joked, though there was something darker in his eyes.
Remus cleared his throat, swatting Sirius’s hand away and pulling out his cigarette case. He was almost dizzy from an accidental brush of Sirius’ hand, how pathetic.
“They’re mine, Padfoot. Stop mooching off of me and get your own already.” Remus rolled his eyes yet handed Sirius a pre-rolled cigarette. Sirius lighted it with the tip of his wand. He closed his eyes, inhaling deeply. He looked euphoric as he exhaled, smoke curling around his hair.
His eyelashes fluttered prettily, and Remus was reminded painfully that this was his best friend, and he couldn’t kiss the mole right on his temple, or the ones splattered inconsistently across his stomach. He couldn’t drink in every inch of Sirius like he wanted to. He was a helpless, pathetic little thing. Pining over his best friend.
He shook his thoughts away as Sirius began moving to the record player. He placed the needle onto a record, though Remus couldn’t see which it was.
The music blared as Sirius began to sway his hips. Remus was entranced, looking away with red-tinted cheeks as Sirius moved his body to the beat. It was especially beautiful to watch; it was clumsy, so unlike the dances Remus knew he had learnt growing up.
This - Sirius swaying his hips to Rebel Rebel - was immeasurably more captivating than the stiff movement of the Waltz, or any other pretentious dance.
•••
Remus threw up, again. It was the third time he had in the span of 2 hours. He decided to make the prefects’ bathroom his home ever since he had sprinted out of Potions class. He felt pathetic, but getting the grade that was less than perfect was something he couldn’t afford.
He was a werewolf. He had no idea how he was expected to find a job with an XXXXX ministry classification. To top it off, he didn’t get the highest score in his Potions exam.
He felt his emptied stomach twist again and he pulled his knees to his chest. He let himself wallow in self-pity, releasing his tears. They stained his trousers with wet little spots.
He sobbed into himself, feeling like throwing up all over again. The blood on the tiles wasn’t comforting, as it usually is afterwards, but it only wanted him to cut himself more.
Remus didn’t know how long he stayed there. Repeatedly dry-heaving into a toilet and losing a little too much blood, but his puffy eyes closed against his will. He fell asleep a little later, curled up on the floor of the bathroom stall.
The moment he opened his eyes to the sound of a beautiful voice calling out his name, Remus flinched backwards. He hissed as his trousers rubbed against his cuts and his head collided with the wall behind him.
“Shit, it’s okay. You’re okay.” Sirius spoke so softly, eyes full of tears and worry. “Remus, what happened?” Sirius asked. His voice was gentle, and Remus groaned as he looked away from Sirius’ wide eyes.
“Must’ve caught a stomach bug.” He lied calmly, sitting up. Remus’ hand touched something metallic, and wet. He froze.
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit-
“You’re really pale. And you just ran out of Potions and we couldn’t find you, and you disappeared on us and I didn’t find you in the Astronomy Tower but you’re always in the Astronomy Tower when you’re upset and you’re sick, and you look it really, I mean, are you okay? You sure it’s just a stomach bug? You’re sweating a bit, can I check if you have a fever? Moony, I was so scared-“
“Sirius.” Remus said, and his voice is too quiet to even be heard by Sirius, or to have an impact on him, but it did anyway. Sirius stopped rambling, wiping at his eyes and sniffing. “I’m okay.” He lied. He doesn’t think he’s ever told the truth, when it comes to those words. “I’ll be better after I sleep it off.” He added to ease Sirius’s worries.
Sirius searched his face for a trace of dishonesty. Remus, skilled in the art of concealing emotions, tried his best to look as sincere as possible. It must’ve worked because Sirius lunged at him, pulling him into a tight hug.
Remus hissed once more, panic pooling in his stomach. But Sirius must’ve had his eyes closed, because he didn’t notice the small pool of blood right behind Remus. Until he did.
Sirius tensed, arms still wrapped around Remus. He pulled back slowly, eyes unnaturally wide, full of horror, Remus looked away quickly, his heart in his throat, hands shaking, dark spots dancing across his vision. Sirius was disgusted by him. Sirius knew.
Sirius fucking Black knew.