Part 02
When he had seen the greasy haired, hook-nosed boy make his way towards Dumbledore’s office, his countenance screaming worry and restlessness, he had needed no more motivation to follow him. He had felt compelled to do so because somehow, he just had to know what had reduced the Slytherin to such a state! He just had to know why he was going to Dumbledore’s office! All he had needed was a silencing charm as he was already under his cloak and with that performed, he had followed the Slytherin inside. But nothing, absolutely nothing had prepared him for the revelations he was about to be exposed to! And so, as he exited Dumbledore’s office behind Severus, his emotions and feelings were chaotic, his soul completely overwhelmed!
Sometimes, all it takes is one moment of unraveling and this has been his - the night and its revelations!His arms wrapped around his knees as he pulled them towards his chest. A self-loathing unlike any other filled him even as a startling realization gripped his being - his belief in his righteousness and his deeds being heroic had been nothing but blinders over his own true nature! He was by heart a monster who relished the torment of another, who basked in the power that another’s desperation and vulnerability offered yet who believed himself to be noble and righteous!
Tears poured down his eyes as the true implications of his deeds played before his eyes in the form of those memories he had seen just a few moments back. That he had destroyed one person's entire life without a hint of remorse or regret appalled him as did lower his esteem in his own eyes. Just how had he led a lifetime like that? How had he not realized his own cruelty? How had he basked in pride at his righteousness without feeling one ounce of this crippling guilt and regret he felt now? Would he have continued on like what he had seen and gauged of his counterpart if he hadn't witnessed these memories? His body shuddered with silent tears - tears of revulsion, of guilt, of self loathing, of agony, of regret and so much more!
"I'm…..I'm so sorry Severus! I'm so sorry" he whispered brokenly, his mind flashing with flashes of the hard life the man who had been tormented by him yet who had fallen for him, had led! How Severus could spare even one drop of love for a monster like him let alone lead an entire lifetime harboring that love and carrying it beyond as well, he dint know! That Severus had taken another chance at life only to once again dedicate it to protecting him and Lily and not spare himself a single thought deepened his shame as he recalled himself believing the Slytherin to be a monster incarnate!
His heart twisted in its chest and he felt himself falling apart as he sobbed his heart out. Just how had Severus led one lifetime with these feelings driving him, without breaking down? His magic rattled, turbulent as his own being, battling this internal storm of swiveling feelings. His conscience felt split into two as one part tried to control his magic and the other wailed with his broken self.
It was dawn but the sun had set in his eyes as the revelations of the previous night had brought about an apocalypse to his world and he could feel the tenebrosity it had brought with it envelope his soul!
_
An entire lifetime of memories had been explored over the course of one night and he had witnessed and felt those accursed moments all over again! His young body felt drained with the endeavor and his heart thudded with the familiar ache.
"James…" he whispered, one name that had been his damnation and salvation all in one! The name that his heart echoed every time he felt despaired. He knew he had been damned from the moment his heart had decided to beat for his major tormentor but this love that was pain, atrocity and disappointment also was liberation. His love eased across the uneven contours of his parched heart and soothed his being with its elixir. Pain had been a part of his life for longer than he could remember hence he clung onto that love, that reprieve, that balm, all despite the pain.
Tears slipped past his eyes as they closed in bittersweet melancholy. He would be facing that face again. He would be seeing James Potter again and he prayed desperately for strength so as to not break down when subjected to his cruelty all over again, when subjected to the sight of his young face all over again. He curled into himself, the upheaval in those graves that his soul harbored flooding him, brushing against the collapsed shields of his mind and overwhelming him.
And that was when he heard a voice take his name, one that had resonated hurt and anger the last time he had heard it.
“Sev” she called his shortened name so gently, worry evident in her tone and he lifted his face, meeting her emerald eyes filled with concern and confusion, slowly transforming into a rising alarm at the tears and complete exhaustion on his face. She rushed towards him and kneeled down on the floor, her arms enveloping him in a warm embrace and that brought about the breakdown he had been denying himself ever since he stepped out of Dumbledore’s office. He clung onto her tightly, sobs wracking his body as he buried his head into her shoulder. Merlin had it been too long since he had felt this warmth, this comfort and this affection.
_
It had settled in her heart, a sense of unease and it had left her restless through the night. At the break of dawn, she could take it no more as she wrapped a robe and tiptoed out of her dorm. It was slightly dark outside and the common room felt warm and comfortable but something within her urged her to move out of the Gryffindor tower and she listened to it. She slipped out of the sleeping portrait and let her instincts lead the way. And they lead her to an abandoned classroom where she saw him with his head on his knees. Instant worry filled her. Why was Sev here? What had happened?
“Sev” she called out and what played next left her shocked.
In all her years of knowing him, it had always been her who had initiated contact and he had been the one to awkwardly accept it. He would always stiffen for a moment after which he would awkwardly pat her shoulder in response to her tight embrace. As they grew, these hugs lessened. So it was more than shocking when he clung onto her as if she were a lifeline. She felt at a complete loss as her best friend buried his head in her shoulder and sobbed, his frail body shuddering with the intensity of those tears. Tears slipped past her eyes as well as she felt the boy who had never shown his vulnerability nor cried a single tear in all her time knowing him, fall apart in her arms. She pulled him closer and rested her head on his.
They dint know how long they stayed that way nor did they care. They held onto each other, basking in the comfort their shared affection brought, in silence as they let their souls communicate with a language beyond words, just like they did since when they were nine! He slowly pulled away and their eyes met. He shook his head and wiped the tears still slipping past her eyes. Her hand lifted to his face and repeated his action, wiping his tears. Her touch felt soft, warm and comforting and brought with it the familiar feeling of home.
Her heart felt at peace as she gazed at this boy who was her best friend and whom she thought she had been losing bit by bit ever since they had come to their fourth year at Hogwarts. The changes in his demeanor, his increased time spent in the company of those horrible Slytherins, his indifference to their actions and that word they termed her contemporaries with - all of it just increased her fear that she was losing him! Her heart ached as she felt her Sev diminishing bit by bit, being replaced by a Severus she did not recognize! But at the present moment, holding him in her arms, his arms around her, she could see the dark haired boy she had befriended. The boy who was her first friend, who understood her like no other, who accepted her just the way she was and who was her companion in this journey of her heritage and the reality of her abilities, a journey which was her own fairytale! The boy whom she could bare her soul to and in front of whom she did not have to pretend because she knew he would be there with her always!
Her gaze so full of affection warmed his heart and he knew just what he had to say.
"I'm so sorry Lily" he said, his words deeply imbibing a lifetime of guilt, remorse and anguish.
She remained silent for a moment, the depth and intensity of feelings behind those words overwhelming her.
And then she spoke, her hand cupping his cheek
"Everything Sev, everything!"
He sighed and his back slumped against the wall in exhaustion. Of course she would comprehend that there was much more to his state and his words than what she could guess! But just how could he tell her about a lifetime he had led, having played a part in her death and making her son's life difficult? How could he tell her about a lifetime of burning guilt and bitter regrets? How could he tell her about a lifetime where their friendship that was to stay always had shattered like glass because of him, leaving him alone and more submerged into darkness? How could he tell her just what fate had held for her and her family?
"Not now Lily. Please, not now! I can't do this now" he said in a weak voice.
She ran her hand up and down his back in a comforting gesture and said
"It's alright okay! Tell me when you're ready. I'm here for you"
"I know" he whispered with a smile on his face.
"Come on now, get some rest. You're really exhausted"
Severus nodded and they stood up. She held his hand as they made their way out of the classroom and he tightened his grip on her hand. They walked towards the fork where they would part ways to go to their respective dorms and just before moving towards her dorm, she hugged him once again and pressed a kiss to his cheek. He smiled at her and squeezed her hand in response. They parted and walked to their respective dorms, her heart rid of the restlessness and his heart a bit more lighter!
_
Sirius frowned as he saw James's bed empty and in pristine condition, very unlike how it would be if it had been slept in. That implied only one thing - James had not returned from his supposed walk the previous night.
Now what did that imply?
If it had been any other day, he would have assumed he had gone to shag a girl. But the way James had been restless yesterday and his unlikely request for a walk alone settled doubts in his mind. There was something wrong and he could feel it in his heart. He had to find James!
_
He entered the abandoned classroom the map showed James to be in soundlessly, unaware of what his eyes would meet here. Nothing had prepared him to see James staring unseeingly at the wall, sitting on the cold floor with dried tear tracks evident on his face! He dropped the map and his wand and kneeled down in front of him, worry, shock and dread filling his heart.
"James? What has happened?" he asked, shaking the still figure of James Potter. His violent shaking brought James back to the world, away from his turbulent thoughts and the storm within his being.
"Huh?" he uttered, blinking away the disorientation as he tried to focus on Sirius's face.
"James?! It's me, Siri! What has happened? What has reduced you to this state?" Sirius asked, his rising panic seeping into his voice.
That finally cleared the disorientation. One look at Sirius and he pulled his best mate into a tight hug. Seeing his mate alive and well after watching a memory that showed his horrible life and early death forced him to embrace Sirius with only one thing repeating in his head- he will not let any of that happen to his best mate!
Sirius hugged him back, confused and troubled yet silent. They stayed such for a few moments after which James pulled away.
"Mate, what is it?" Sirius asked yet again but James only shook his head. A resolve had formed in his mind and he decided to abide by it.
He stood up unsteadily on his feet and moved his legs to ease the numbness and turning towards Sirius said
"Not now Siri. Come on now, we need to go"
Sirius just nodded. He felt uneasy at not getting an answer immediately to this strange occurrence but he also trusted his best mate that he'd soon tell him everything and if he were keeping quiet like this, it was for a valid reason!
_
Peculiar. It felt peculiar to be in this environment but in a different role as opposed to what he had been in more than two decades! He had to consciously remember to sit at the students table and had to travel down the memory lane to remember just what kind of reactions he had towards whom at this time in the previous lifetime! His eyes wandered towards the Gryffindor table for the nth time but to no avail as the hazel eyed Gryffindor was yet to make his presence! He looked away, a tinge of irritation settling in his heart. It had taken him such effort to get his shields up so as to not break down at the mere sight of James Potter! But now that the prat hadn't made his way to the hall yet, he did not feel the relief he should have for his yearning only multiplied. He sighed and locked those thoughts away.
That was when he noticed Lily enter the Great Hall, her hairs tied messily in a bun, dark circles evident under her eyes. He hadn't noticed all of it nor questioned her sudden appearance at such an unlikely hour when she had approached him sometime back since he was more engrossed in gathering his feelings which had been all over the place. But now he realized that she had indeed not slept well. But why? As far as he could recall, there hadn't been any upsetting incident that happened with her at this point of time. Had his arrival and disclosure of the truth to Dumbledore begun altering time in minute quantities as warned by Harry?
He was broken out of his thoughts when he felt someone tap his shoulder. He turned to see a rather nervous Lily smiling at him, doing her best to ignore the disgusted stares she was getting from the others at the Slytherin table as well as to ignore the incredulous stares from other Gryffindors. Another wave of warmth filled him at her action for he knew how difficult it had been for her to take this step, pushing aside the surprise he felt. Ignoring everybody around, he stood up and held her hand, smiling a smile at her which made all her nervousness vanish. Her smile turned confident and she turned to move, tugging him along with her.
She kept tugging his hand till they reached the Gryffindor table where she motioned him to wait while she gathered some sandwiches. She then wrapped them in tissues and walked back to him, indicating with her eyes towards the entrance of the Great Hall. He nodded and the two moved out, ignoring the gazes of the entire hall fixed on them.
_
When he entered the Great Hall and settled at his place, he was met with just one news that was on everybody's lips - Lily approaching Severus Snape at the Slytherin table and the two leaving the Great Hall together after picking up just a few sandwiches! If it were any other day before the revelations he had been exposed to, he would have burned in jealousy and incredulous outrage and would have plotted with his friends to torment the Slytherin. But today, much to his friends' surprise, he did no such thing. Instead, a look of sheer disappointment crossed his face before he managed to school it. This did not go unnoticed by Sirius or Peter but both kept quiet.
Peter bit into his sandwich lost in thought. What had happened to James? Why was his reaction to the news of Snivellus and Evans so minismal? Had he finally lost interest in her? And why in Merlin's name had James glared so heatedly at him when he had wished them good morning when they had come to the dorm? He stuffed the last bit of the sandwich into his mouth. He missed Remus. When Remus was there, he never felt alone. But now Remus had gone to his house for a few days due to his father's ill health and he felt more lonely and left out than he ever had!
He half heartedly swallowed half a toast and sipped on some pumpkin juice after which they made their way to the first class.
All the way to the class, he was preoccupied with thoughts of just how to speak to Severus?
_
Him and Lily were making their way to the next class when they received a note that Headmaster Dumbledore had summoned Severus to his office at the earliest. Severus sighed mentally at the look of utter curiosity on Lily's face but said not a word. Thankfully, she did not ask either. He waved her goodbye and moved towards Dumbledore's office. He had a few questions to ask!
It took him five minutes to reach the Gargoyle after which he muttered the ridiculous password to it. He couldn't help the small smile on his face though. It was good to realize that some things never change!
He knocked and entered the room.
"Ahh come in my boy! How have you been doing?" Dumbledore asked, a warmth in his tone that he had but received on certain occasions.
Severus just nodded his head to show he was okay. His feelings were too difficult to articulate into words.
"Come, take a seat. We have few things to discuss"
_
"In the previous lifetime as well, you had always wanted to recruit the marauders and they had ultimately joined because of their perceived righteousness and foolhardy bravery as Gryffindors. Lily and James had begun dating in seventh year and she too followed. The Order of the Phoenix had most of its members who were foreign to the actualities and realities of war. They were young and driven more by a notion than a definite factor. There was neither time nor opportunity for them to even understand this. It wasn't until too late that they realized this was war! They had no proper training, their maturity and seriousness as soldiers came far too late and your habit of keeping everything close to chest and speaking in incomprehensible words did not aid in the cause at all. They placed all expectations in you believing you to be extraordinary and you put in little effort ever since the prophecy for you had decided that the fate of the wizarding world lay in the hands of a prophesied child! So overall, it was James and Lily's sacrifice that saved the wizarding world the first time and heaped a huge burden on Harry's head. But we cannot go on this way Albus. When things took a slightly brutal turn when the first war exacerbated, they were overwhelmed even when it was minimal compared to what they went on to do later on! If you intend to make soldiers out of young men, then be cold enough to expose them to the necessary! Your refusal to do so caused a lot of damage the first time!" Severus said bluntly, laying out the entire truth in front of Dumbledore. Despite retaining memories of the previous time, all they had was deduction from those because he had not been given the key information as such. So they had to have strategy plans ready before things turned for the worse. True they did have enough time but the sooner, the better!
Dumbledore sighed, his hand caressing his beard. He wasn't used to being told his faults so bluntly. But then, each word that Severus had uttered was true.
"The Dark Lord is not as strong or experienced as he will be in the coming years. His force and reach isn't that wide either. But since we don't know much about why he wasn't destroyed the first time and how Harry defeated him the second time, we need to be prepared for everything. Plus this lifetime of mine has impacted the timeline and might bring about changes that may or may not be in our favor" Severus said.
A few moments passed in silence as both pondered over the words said and recounting watched. And then they set to work, writing down the deductions they inferred from the memories based on their existing knowledge and the knowledge gained from the previous lifetime. Time passed as they immersed themselves in old tomes and books from ancient times. It was late evening when they decided to put a stop and continue ahead the next day. While they had learnt a lot, most of it had not been useful for the purpose they had taken the book.
The two men exchanged goodbyes and Severus was near the door when he remembered he had a question to ask
"Albus?" he called out. Dumbledore looked up.
"It's about Lily. I… I need to tell her the truth"
Dumbledore grew silent, his visage adopting a thoughtful look. After few moments he replied
"As long as she consents to learn occlumency, you are free to tell her"
Severus sighed in relief. He had a hunch that Lily was quite capable of occlumency. All he needed to worry about was to convince her that mind magic was not some dark, evil branch of magic!