Part 03
"Severus"
He froze at his spot at that voice calling out his name. His real name and not that disgusting nickname they had cruelly termed for him. His fists clenched as a plethora of emotions struck him all at once. He squeezed his eyes shut to gain some control over himself. He had known he would have to see this face, hear this voice again. He had prepared himself for this as well but unfortunately for him, it still fell short for his feelings were far too profound, and had grown over too many years!
He took a few deep breaths and then turned, a blank mask drawn over his face, a practice of too many years kicking into action. But he still couldn't bring himself to adopt a façade of hatred towards the boy in front of him.
"What is it, Potter?" he managed to get out in as harsh a tone possible despite his voice shaking a bit.
James stood in front of him, his hands wringing and a nervousness on his countenance which Severus had never seen before. His eyes furrowed in confusion as hazel eyes filled with guilt gazed at him.
"I…" James began but stopped to swallow as a lump formed in his throat.
"What is it?" Severus repeated, his tone softer now. Just what had happened that had reduced James Potter to this? And that too in front of him?
"I…I'm sorry" he said even as a tear rolled down his eyes. Looking into shocked obsidian eyes, he mustered all his courage and said
"I'm sorry Severus, so so sorry! I never realized just how my so-called pranks and insults were anything but funny. I never realized just how cruel I was becoming every time I targeted you. I always thought I was right in doing so. I always believed that you deserved everything that was done to you"
"But you do not Severus! You do not deserve anything of what was meted out to you by us. You don't deserve to be ridiculed and called names. You don't deserve to be mocked and degraded by everybody around you. You do not deserve to be looked down on as if you were a monster. No, you don't deserve any of this at all! And I'm so sorry, so very sorry that it was me and my friends who put you through all of this! So very sorry!"
Severus looked on as more tears flowed from James's eyes and he had no doubt that he meant it genuinely. But what had caused this? Why was he feeling guilty and apologizing now? Why?
"Why? Why now?" Severus asked, his grip on his emotions slipping away gradually from his reins.
"I was there yesterday….. I was there in Dumbledore's office yesterday" James said, bowing his head in shame. He had had no right to be there and he knew he ought to be ashamed for intruding on a conversation he had no business hearing.
Severus felt as if the ground from beneath him had been pulled away harshly as all breath left his lungs at that revelation! James had been there? He had seen everything? Knew all that he would have preferred he never did? Anger, outrage and hurt roared in his chest as a lifetime and beyond of emotions concealed and suppressed came to the fore.
"It took you watching memories that you had no right to watch and experiencing my emotions when you shouldn't have been anywhere near it to remember that I'm human? To remember that I'm a living, breathing human who has feelings just the same as anybody else? To remember that just because I was sorted into a house that was stereotyped to be evil did not imply I was as well? To remember that I had come to Hogwarts like any other kid and had associated dreams and hopes to this place which was to be my haven? To understand that all I ever wanted was some acceptance!" he raged, tears filling his eyes.
"You couldn't bear the burden of your own guilt isn't it? Couldn't bear the truth that you weren't a hero all along. That's why you are here! You are here to apologize to make yourself feel better. But tell me James, can you forgive a man who made your life and existence miserable, who hurt you so deeply that those scars still radiate pain as if they were inflicted yesterday, who made you wish that you never were born just so as to not see that burning hatred and malice that he harbored towards you for merely existing? Can you forgive a man who deemed you a monster without bothering to look even once and who humiliated you in front of people who bask in your misery and devastation? Can you forgive a man who targeted you because you were part of a house that he did not like, that you stood by the only friend you had which again he did not like and that you dared to fight back? Can you forgive such a man James who made you feel as if giving in to your inner demons was the only way forward for your miserable existence? Can you James Potter forgive a man who relished tormenting you and to whom your pain mattered not because to him, you weren't human at all!" he said, his voice heavy with his emotions.
All James could do was stand with his head bowed, having no answers absolutely to what Severus had just said.
"I should have hated you! I should have despised you with every fiber of my being!" Severus's voice lowered into a whisper, filled with anguish he had harbored for years. It forced James to look up and meet obsidian eyes filled with profound emotions.
"But my heart betrayed me. It went against my will and no matter how much I tried, it refused to listen to me. It's been years James and it still hasn't been enough to move on! It never will be! And just the same, your forgiveness cannot be given! I can love you James, despite everything but I can never forgive you! Never!" Severus said and walked away, exhausted and feeling more hollow than ever.
Behind him, James collapsed on his knees, sobbing his heart out. Severus's words played repeatedly in his head as his entire being ached tremendously. It felt too much to bear! Too much!
_
Peter was the only one awake when he made his way into the dorms, trying to look as normal as possible since he did not want Sirius to come looking for him like morning. If Sirius saw him in such a state a second time, he wouldn't agree to wait to learn the truth and that he couldn't afford! But this time as Peter gazed at him with evident concern, he did not feel the burning hate or anger towards this marauder who had betrayed him and his family in another lifetime.
"What has happened James?" Peter asked worriedly in a soft tone since he did not want to wake a sleeping Sirius up.
James sighed and looked at him. This wasn't the same Peter simply because this wasn't the same lifetime. He had vowed to save all his friends from their terrible 'futures' as seen in the other lifetime and he resolved on the spot that he wouldn't let this friend of his go down such a path again! No, he wouldn't allow that fate for Peter!
"Can we talk somewhere else Pete?" he whispered, taking Peter by surprise. He had never called him Pete, it had always been Wormtail in a slightly mocking tone! Peter just nodded his head as they moved out of the dorm and into the empty common room. They settled on a sofa at the corner. After all, James thought, they had a lot to talk about, starting with an apology. He couldn't reveal what he had learnt in Dumbledore's office of course but he could clear all the misconceptions and discrepancies their friendship had. A little heart to heart with a boy he never took the time to know despite calling him a friend!
_
"It's still dark magic Sev" she said hesitantly.
Severus sighed. They were going to get nowhere like this.
"Lily, do you know that 'light magic' and 'dark magic' aren't actual branches of magic as what majorly matters is the intent behind the magic?"
Lily's brows furrowed in confusion.
"What do you mean?"
"This categorization of magic was done to make understanding this vast concept behind it easier. But wizards and witches over time began to seriously view this categorization and it soon became a basis for classification or a caste sort of thing for the people. Originally, the practices, methods, spells, potions etc put under dark magic were ones which required an actual part of the user or the ones which were used for self protection during the witch trials which could be beneficial for wars later on. So all blood rituals, mind magic etc were put under dark magic. Spells, potions etc that used only our magic and other ingredients were classified under light magic. But as I mentioned before, when people began to consider this categorization seriously, they forgot the original basis behind it. Many who indulged in dark magic were ones who held either malice, contempt or greed in their hearts and their intent began fueling these practices into becoming extremely destructive and feared. Also, dark magic being extremely imbibing in its nature as in, it being seductive in a way, caused many to lose themselves in it!
Dark magic became a questionable branch of magic whose practitioners were termed to be evil and deserving of being put down. Light magic was preached and its reach expanded. Morals developed in people that said light magic was the only one which was righteous."
Severus paused for a moment and could see that Lily was actually intrigued by what he was saying.
"But people forget this case where a young wizard killed his family of two using light magic!"
"What?" Lily's eyes widened.
"Yes. Beyron Dedworth killed his 3 month old sister with a Stupefy aimed at her heart. He then killed his ill mother by choking her with a Scourgify. He was later proven to be insane and hence people dismissed it. But that does not change the fact that light magic can kill just the same as dark magic because what matters is the intent. On the other hand, the ritual for adoption is a blood ritual, which is done at Gringotts and which comes under dark magic. But since the intent isn't malicious, it is a boon for both the child and the parents. True, blood adoption is less common but it still holds to prove my point." Severus said, sitting in front of her.
He could see on her face, the debate going on within her. After all, it was her beliefs that had been challenged and he understood she needed some time.
A few moments of silence followed. And then, she spoke
"Alright, fine. I'll….I'll do this! I'll learn Occlumency!"
He sighed a sigh of relief and smiled at her. She returned the smile. Somehow her instincts were in accord with her decision as well and she decided to go ahead with this.
_
It had been two weeks since their confrontation and Severus hadn't seen James Potter. Euphemia Potter had caught a rare kind of blood disease and her old age wasn't helping her in the least. And thus, her only son had been called back so she could see him and spend time with him in the limited time she had. To say Severus wasn't concerned would be a lie. Of course he was worried about how James would deal with this and his treacherous heart still yearned for a glimpse of him. But teaching Lily occlumency served as a good distraction and also served to deepen their bond. As Severus had assumed, Lily had taken to occlumency quite well. It hadn't been much time and already her shields were developing. With that Severus knew, the time to tell her the truth was approaching near as well and he honestly dint know how to feel about it. His meetings with Dumbledore had reduced so as to not arouse suspicion and he had kept his Slytherin mates at an arm's length. It helped that he barely spent any time in his dorm and all the while his things and bed were secured with spells none would be able to crack. He also knew that soon his Slytherin mates would do something about this and that inputs were going to Voldemort about this half-blood, talented Slytherin who refused to leave a mudblood whore and who had begun silently opposing them through his actions. But he did not care one bit. He was with his family and that was all that mattered.
_
It was the beginning of fifth week when Lily finished setting up the framework of her mental shields. Severus knew she was ready for the truth now.
He met her at a common point from their respective rooms and they headed to Dumbledore's office. He could physically feel the curiosity and anticipation emanating from her.
They entered the office and were greeted by Dumbledore who then left them alone with his pensieve. Severus took a deep breath and began extracting his memories as Lily watched wide eyed. And then, he delved into those memories holding her hand, exposing her to a lifetime he had spent and all of what he had never told her!
_
Could it be enough, the tears that flowed down her eyes and the weight that weighed her heart down, to convey just what she felt at the revelations? Maybe not. Yet that was all she could do and that was what she did. She collapsed on the ground and sobbed hard and in that she mourned. Mourned for a lifetime her best friend had lived as a breathing corpse fueled only by a marred heart full of guilt and regrets. Mourned for just what he had been forced to become due to the people around him apart from his own demons. Mourned for the way their friendship collapsed and mourned for her own actions that had aided it. She mourned for the love he harbored in his parched heart for a man who tormented him.
Mourned for a son she could never be there for and who had borne such a huge burden all his life. Mourned for just what the world had reduced to becoming as great powers, both negative and positive, pursued relentlessly for an inevitable destruction of the world through wrong decisions and uncaring practices. Mourned for the lives lost in both the wars. Mourned for the maturity and bravery mere children had to show as the foul grip of war gripped this school that was their home in its grip and ripped it apart. Mourned for the hard life her husband's friends had to live. She mourned and grieved for the events the wretched fate had unloaded in their lives. All the while Severus sat next to her, lending his support silently while battling those feelings he had harboured all his life. And then, when she felt she had no tears left, she wiped her face and turned towards him. He looked at her and the vulnerability on his face pinched her heart. He looked like a small child who hoped for love from his mother despite his mistakes being revealed in front of her. That was when her resolve hardened even more. She changed her position such that she was in front of him and then pulled him into her arms, hugging him as if her life depended on it. It took him a moment but he then reciprocated, holding her equally tight. He knew it then, she had accepted him despite his pathetic actions.
__
She lay on her bed, wide awake, her arms wrapped around herself. Those memories had opened her eyes and made her realise many of her mistakes. They made her realise that she had not been as good a friend to Sev as she assumed she was. She had been demanding without listening or understanding and she had always turned a blind eye towards the actions of the marauders simply because the medium they used had been of light magic. Now, she could accept to herself that there had been one more reason for her actions.
She had grown up hearing fairytales from her mother and she had always wanted to be part of one and have her own adventure. Coming to Hogwarts granted her desire and this became her fairytale. But like every fairytale, she desired for a prince in hers. And despite everything James Potter had become that prince in her fairytale. With that notion settled in her subconscious, her morality and ideals began to rotate as per him. She began excusing his behaviour. She began to get blinded by that notion. And in that, she never realised just how far from her Sev she had been moving. She was synonymous to the Earth that rotated around the sun (James) slowly forgetting the moon(Severus) that revolved around her. Her Sev put himself in front of the sun that was James just to give her time to get back to herself but all she could see was the eclipse he brought about, all the while being blind to him burning himself due to coming in the direct path of the sun.
She turned as tears flowed down her eyes. She had always blamed him for everything, had turned a blind eye towards his feelings, towards him but not anymore. She wouldn't repeat those mistakes again. She wiped her tears with her hand even as a determination rose in her heart. Come what may, Lily Evans will not abandon Severus Snape ever again and she will not let any of what he had to go through happen ever again! She will not keep silent anymore! Those blinds had fallen and if it takes her to burn instead of Sev as she comes in front of the sun's direct path, so be it!
__
He sat lifelessly by his mother's grave, his being empty after the amount of tears he had let out. He felt devoid of everything and somehow this vacuum within him provided him the courage to embrace a changed life.
And that gave him perspective in the situation he was in.
"Mom, the day I right my wrongs and become something worthwhile, that day shall be the one I make you proud and that shall be the day I'll see you again" he told, gazing at her grave and then he stood, a determination unlike anything filling his eyes. And then he left, the echo of his footsteps the only sound in the silence of the graveyard. He had loads of retrospection to do and lot of changes to make!
__
"Severus"
He stopped at his place as he heard the very same voice after more than six weeks. This time though, that voice held an assertion. He turned in his spot to look at James.
"You were right the other day" he said
Severus just stood silent without uttering a word, his stoic face betraying nothing.
"I had come that day to apologize because I was overwhelmed by my guilt. You were right. I had come for myself even then. But today, today is different" he said and walked closer towards Severus. When he was close enough, he said
"Because today I came not for your forgiveness. My mistakes have been far too great and my sorry far too small to compensate. No, today I'm not here for forgiveness "
"Then what are you here for?" Severus asked quietly.
James lifted his hand and brushed a strand of Severus's hair aside. Looking deeply into his eyes he said,
"It's going to be an ardent journey of remorse, Severus but it's not going to be for alleviation of the burden of my own sins. It's going to be to deserve that love that you hold for me despite everything, even if a miniscule part of it. It's to fuel my audacity enough that someday I shall be able to hold your hand and say that I'll be there by your side, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us apart!"
Severus stood shocked still as James smiled and took a step back.
"Someday I'll become worthy enough to deserve you and maybe that day, I'll be able to call you mine" he said and walked away.
_
2 years later
"I had a dream when we were 10," Lily said out of the blue, caressing Severus's hair as they relaxed under the shade of the tree with his head in her lap.
"About?" Severus asked.
"Us. I dreamt that we would marry someday. That we would always be together"
Severus sat up hearing her reply. He was speechless as he dint know what to say.
"But then we went to Hogwarts and James became the prince in my fairytale" she said with a faraway look in her eyes. He remained silent as he wondered just what had caused her to bring it up.
"But I still couldn't let that dream go" she continued, now looking directly at him.
"You know Sev, I always thought we were like the sun, moon and the earth! That we could and would exist in the same system. That belief has stuck since some time yet I know not why" she finished.
A few moments of silence followed
"I have always imagined my life with you. And despite everything, all the changes in our lives, you're still there. What has changed since two years has been my imagination including him with us as well" a voice cut through the silence. They looked up to see James come towards them. He sat in front of them and the two looked at him, processing his words.
"I did too," Severus quietly admitted. The other two looked at him. He continued
"You defined family for me Lily and I had always imagined that you'll stay"
Silence shrouded them again. It was broken after sometime by James again
"We can still be the sun, moon and earth existing in the same system. The question is, are you two ready to accept?"
Lily and Severus looked at each other and then at James. A lot of thought needed to be put into this.
"Maybe" they said together and James smiled. They still had time and he knew they would be willing someday. They had taken the first step towards the better after all.
Only one phrase played in their minds even as they felt tranquility envelope them.
"Ad Meliora"