Friendship born out of convenience and circumstances, held on to and strengthened through trauma. That’s what the marauders shared. Especially what Remus and Sirius shared. The four of them were inseparable, even more than that remus and sirius were inseparable.
It wasn’t a secret, the way they would sit just a little bit closer to each other on the common room sofa. The way they knew each other inside and out and could plate the other up breakfast without looking. The way when they came back after second year Peter and Remus switched beds so that Sirius and Remus could be closer to each other. The way in 4th year they would sneak out the window of their dorm at 2am and laugh and joke together while smoking.
Whispering secrets to each other looking at the moon and stars, talking about how much each of them hated the two things but how pretty they looked in the sky together.
They just had something shared between them that Peter and James didn’t. The shared experience of living with the consequences of their parents failures, the shared experience of being scared in their own home, the shared experience of knowing they were different.
Neither of their friends minded this fact. They got it. Probably more than Sirius or Remus themselves did. They were content with it. They still all had their thing. It was simply that Remus and Sirius had a separate thing. A different thing.
What they did however all share was the fact every single year, following the first where they found out Sirius and Remus had to stay behind for the holidays, they would throw a New Years party.
It started as something just the four of them, by 4th year they started inviting Marlene, Dorcas, Mary and Lily. For 5th year it was supposed to be a party held in the Gryffindor common room, for those in the house but of course that was before the prank happened. In the end the party was still held but Remus spent most the night sat out the window of their dorm until about 11:45pm when Sirius went and joined him and they inevitably made up. Peter and James joined them at just before midnight so they could see the year in, together, as normal.
This year, they were hosting another party, even inviting people from different houses along too. It was exciting. It was going to be good. They would make it good.
For some reason this year felt so different. Everything had. Sirius had spent the summer at The Potters. He had been officially disowned. And something about the summer had changed him. For a time so cruel to him it had been so kind. Remus couldn’t help but think how gorgeous his friend had grown this summer.
It wasn’t just about his physical appearance, he had always had a ‘pretty’ face. ‘Pretty’ hair. But his face had always had this undertone of worry, his eyes while mischievous had slight dark circles from sleepless nights and nightmares.
But now he looked so joyful, truly free. He had gained a bit of weight in his cheeks making him look healthier than before. He wasn’t as pale; he had spent so much time outside with James over the summer instead of locked inside.
Remus found his breath catching and his face flushing every time that Sirius flashed that classic ‘Sirius Black’ smile. He found it harder to read his book in the common room as his friend lay his head in his lap, getting distracted by the black waves of hair resting across his legs. He found himself paying more attention to quidditch when Sirius was playing. Getting lost in his thoughts while studying with Lily because Sirius just walked into the room.
He hated it. Despised himself for it. He knew exactly why he was acting this way; it's the same reason Lily started needing James help more in potions. Why James found himself studying with first years to spend more time with Lily. He liked Sirius. He loved Sirius.
The fact made him feel sick. It sat as heavy in his chest as the bile sat in his throat. This wasn’t good, it was anything but. It wasn’t even okay. He was, in the simplest words, fucked .
Of course he the unluckiest boy on earth would have to once again be handed a card out of his control. It started to feel like while everyone else was playing blackjack he got given uno cards.
There was a list of things he knew about himself that made him uncomfortable.
One: he’s tall. Like really fucking tall. His body towered over everyone. He was clumsy and his joints always hurt and he couldn’t blend in to save his life and it sucked. He hated being this tall.
Two: His scars. No matter how cool James said they looked, how brave Peter told him they made him, how pretty Sirius swore they were, he hated them. He wished he had a way to make them disappear. It’s not just that he hated the lines of red and white littering his body, that alone would have been okay if not for the fact that they reminded him of his third thing he knew about himself that made him uncomfortable.
Three: He was a werewolf. Once a month his bones would break and crack as his body betrayed him. He was constantly scared someone else would figure it out. Scared he would one day hurt someone he loved. The saddest part was that the only person he ever seemed to hurt was himself.
And now four: He was gay, or queer, or whatever word you wanted to use. He liked men. He felt like he shouldn’t, the world was a cruel place he didn’t want it to be crueler. He didn’t want another secret he would have to hide. But he liked men, he liked a specific man. Which leads him to...
Five: He was in love with his best friend. Sirius Black. The boy who had broken his heart a few too many times already. A boy he believed would never love him back. Could never love him back. Remus was starting to think whatever gods existed had a vendetta against him at this point. Life was always cruel.
That’s probably what led to him dreading the party in the back of his mind. It’s probably why he kept so much of his muggle vodka saved for the party. Why he was going to end up taking so much of Mary’s witches apple sours. He planned to get as drunk as he could tonight because if he had to watch Sirius flirt with every girl in the room he would at least try his best to make sure he wouldn't remember it the next day.
“Moons.” Sirius yelled as he ran into the common room and flopped himself onto the sofa next to the tall boy, draping an arm over Remus’ shoulders. He could smell the cologne Sirius was wearing. The scent was thick, pretty much over bearing to Remus, but it was also so incredibly Sirius, so he couldn’t find it in himself to care nor complain. The sick feeling in his stomach in full force. His head growing heavy.
“What’s up, pads?” Remus asked, trying to make his voice sound as even as possible. Manually slowing his breathing, head spinning.
“Just missed you’s all.” Sirius said softly, bringing his hand to tussle Remus’ dark blond slightly brown curls.
“Oh.” Remus said his heart skipping a beat, his breath catching in his chest. “Well hi then. I guess. I, er. I missed you too.” The words came out jumbled and stuttered as his cheeks tinted pink.
“Of course you did, I'm awesome. Your life would be boring without me.” Sirius joked with ease. He definitely wasn’t wrong, Remus could say that much. What Remus wouldn’t give for boring at times.
“Anyway, are you excited for tonight? I think everything is sorted. I even paid that Mark guy in 7th to get us like hangover potions for tomorrow. Figured we would want them. Gods knows James will be up at like 7am and wake us up with his noise.”
“Yeah it should be great.” Remus lied easily. The scent of Sirius’ cologne was really starting to get to his head. He needed to get away. “I actually have to get the last of the advanced ancient runes work written before tonight, I completely forgot.”
“Oh no worries I can just sit here while you write.” Sirius said moving so he wasn’t entirely taking up Remus’ personal space.
“I need to get it from the dorm actually. Erm you stay though. I’m pretty sure Lils gets back in a few minutes and Dorcas is like sat in the chair next to the bookshelf by the girls staircase.”
“Oh Erm yeah… No worries. That... Yeah… I’ll see you later I guess. Are you sure you're okay?” Sirius stubbled, losing his calm and collected composure temporarily.
Remus almost felt bad. Maybe it was his animagi that contributed, but Sirius looked like a kicked puppy.
“Yeah I’m okay really. Party starts in a few hours though so I’m going to get this done before having a shower and stuff.” He said with a smile, trying his best to look reassuring. Whether it was successful he didn’t know because he didn’t wait to find out.
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“Moony. Do me a favour?” James asked as he walked into the dorm. “Lily is downstairs and needs help with the drinks table. But me and Sirius are about to start getting ready so could you do it?”
“Oh yeah sure. No worries mate. Give me five to get changed and I’ll head down.” Remus replied, getting up and throwing on a new jumper. One Sirius had got him for his birthday the year before. It was a burgundy shade and had some stars and a moon embroidered on the cuffs of the sleeves.
It was the softest and warmest jumper the boy owned, it felt like a hug, it reminded him of Sirius. It was his favourite. He slipped it on over the top of the white shirt he had tucked into his corduroy trousers and put on his battered doc martens.
When he got downstairs he saw Lily on the other side of the room, she had straightened her long red hair, and was wearing a dress that had a floral pattern to it with black tights.
“Remus!” She shouted waving him over. “James said you would help move the table for me.”
“Yeah just tell me where you want it.” Remus smiled. He liked Lily a lot. She was probably his best friend outside of Sirius and James. She was one of the sweetest people he knew and was unquestionably kind to everyone. Sometimes kinder than she should be.
“Next to the book shelves would be perfect. Thank you.” She pointed in the direction as she spoke, guiding him.
“You know I wanted to chat with you actually.” She said a bit quieter, Remus had been friends with her for long enough to know this would be something he wouldn’t enjoy but probably needed to hear.
“Okay get on with it Lils. I can tell this is going to be that thing where you tell me something about myself that we both know, something that I’m trying to ignore.” He chuckled slightly looking her in the eyes.
“You’re not wrong.” She laughed back as she grabbed his hand, a silent act of love. “Let’s go sit outside on the windowsill, yeah? I need a smoke anyway.”
Once the two were sitting huddled together in the small space, clinging to the cigarettes between fingers, feeling the warmth fill their chests, Remus prompted Lily to start.
“So out with it. What’s in store for today’s episode of ‘Lily tells me shit I don’t want to hear’?”
“I can feel you holding back, I know your secret, you can talk to me you know?” She said softly.
“Obviously I literally told you that I was a werewolf back in fourth year. it would be impossible for you not to know. What are you on about?” Remus stated, breathing in the hot smoke.
“Not that secret dipshit.” She said, kicking his leg slightly. Remus still didn’t know what she meant. “I… I know you like Sirius. Like in a more than friend way…” she whispered.
“I… what… I don’t… that’s…”
“Remus I know. You don’t need to keep pretending.” She said plainly. “I don’t care, you know? That you’re… you know… gay or whatever. I love you just the same.”
“Yeah okay.” Remus breathed out. “So you know. Not like it changes much.”
“Remus… you're allowed to feel this way you know? Like there is nothing wrong with that… you shouldn’t have to keep it all bottled up.”
“No, I’m not allowed Lils, there is something very wrong about all of this. I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t like him… not when… not when he’s my best friend, not after everything we have been through. It would… it would ruin all of it so… yeah I can’t talk about it.” He looked down as he said it. The words tasted bitter in his mouth.
“He can’t ever find out Lily. I mean it.” He said it like a plea.
“I won’t tell him. I promise. That’s not my place. You don’t need to tell him. I just… you can talk to me about it you know, ignoring it won’t make it disappear. it will only hurt you more to try.”
The silence was deafening. It felt heavy.
“I really fucking love him.” Remus finally muttered.
“I know sweetie. I’m sorry.” She held his hand as she said it.
“He’s just so… it’s like… gods it’s fucking frustrating. Because he is so fucking annoying, Lily. Like he’s loud and chaotic and makes himself the center of attention twenty-four-seven. And it’s like he is so fucking obnoxious. Also he has no grip on money, or what it’s like having a muggle parent, he constantly does things without thinking that puts us all at risk. But for some reason as annoying as he is, I can't help but love those things.”
“I know honey… I know. Boys suck trust me. James is the same fucking way.” This was the first time Lily had admitted her crush on James out loud. Everyone could kind of see it but she would always deny it.
“Lily Evans? Admitting she has a crush on the one and only James ‘Arrogant Toerag’ Potter? Has hell frozen over?” Remus joked.
“Yeah, yeah… well you needed the support. And just for the record my statement remains true… it’s just that he’s like an annoyingly hot arrogant toerag who is also really weirdly sweet.” She blushed.
“What are we like Lily, falling for the two biggest twats in our house?”
“For what it’s worth I think Sirius could feel the same.” Lily threw out to which Remus looked at her like she had grown a second head.
“No. No, none of that. You’re meant to be on my side and tell me he’s dumb.” Remus stressed.
“Oh I’m sorry, want me to give you blind support and agreement for a minute?” Lily laughed back.
“Yes. Yes I would.”
“Okay then… you are entirely right. You’re perfect. Absolutely correct. He sucks and doesn’t deserve you. Me and you are the only two people who should be allowed to walk the earth for we are better than those gross annoying boys. And Sirius has single handedly made you fall in love with him because he thought it would be funny. Feeling better yet?”
“Much.”
“Come on, we have a party to get to.” Lily laughed, putting the bud of her cigarette out.
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The party was going well. Everyone was having fun and enjoying the music. It was getting later into the evening and Remus was completely gone. Probably the drunkest he had ever been. It had started going downhill since he spotted Sirius in the corner of the room whispering to a fifth year raven claw named Bethany, around nine pm, it was about half eleven at this point.
She was pretty. Like, really pretty. Even Remus could tell and he hated her for it. He was practically green with envy. Jealousy was an ugly emotion and he couldn’t stop it manifesting in himself.
He had drunk about half a bottle of vodka to himself and did the majority of the shots Mary had brought. And was now sitting in the corner of the room complaining to Lily. He had always been the type to get angry and emotional when drunk. He didn’t know why he thought it was a good idea to begin with now.
“Hey moons. You okay mate? Mind giving us a second Lily?” Sirius suddenly said seemingly having made his way over while Remus was ranting.
“Erm… Remus is really drunk. I don't know if it’s a great idea to leave him…” Lily tried looking between Remus and Sirius trying to work out if Remus wanted her to stay.
“Don’t worry about it Lils, you go have fun Sirius can talk to me for a bit I’ll find you again after.” Remus assured, gesturing for Sirius to sit down next to him.
“Okay, only if you're sure. See you in a bit, honey.” She said, leaning to press a friendly almost mother-like kiss into Remus’ head.
“So what were you and our Lilibeth talking about, seemed intense?” Sirius asked, settling in next to Remus on the sofa.
“You, funnily enough.” Remus answered. Lips looser than was good for him.
“Me? What?” Sirius asked, with a laugh very confused.
“Mhm. And life. And stuff you know. About the girl you were talking to.”
He didn’t intend for the words to sound so bitter but they did.
“Okay… what about her?”
“How I will be alone forever, and you just go out and talk to all these girls like it’s nothing.” Remus admitted. “But it’s fine… what did you want to talk about?”
“What, so you're like jealous of me? You know people like you too so many girls have crushes on you… you just seemed like you didn’t like them.” Sirius asked, still confused. He ignored Remus’ question.
“I didn’t like them.” He admitted. “And I’m not jealous of you. I’m jealous of them.” Remus muttered. He didn’t even know why he was telling Sirius this. He shouldn’t be telling Sirius this.
“That makes no sense Remus…” Sirius said, completely baffled. Nothing had ever made less sense to him than this conversation.
“Just drop it Sirius! I shouldn’t be telling you this anyway. Sober me wouldn’t. What did you want to chat about?” He asked again.
“No, I want to know what you meant.” Sirius said with finality. “So you're jealous of them… because I was talking to them and not you while you're lonely? Is that it?”
“Well yeah… but it’s not just that… it’s like. Even if you were talking to me it wouldn’t be the same way. It’s dumb I just…”
“What do you mean it wouldn’t be the same way… yeah because I’m like myself with you… I’m so confused.” Sirius said, looking at Remus waiting for him to explain.
“That’s not… it’s more than that Sirius… I’m going to be alone forever… because I’m like weird and have this massive secret about myself I can’t share with anyone so I can’t let people get close to me or whatever. So I’m never going to have that like romance shit. Or flirting. Or whatever else you do with all those girls.” The words left his lips jumbled.
“So what? It’s about the werewolf thing then?” Sirius said lowering his voice just in case someone overheard he knew they wouldn’t but wanted to be safe. “I thought you said you weren’t jealous of me but of the girls…”
“I am jealous of the girls, Sirius. It’s. Look it’s not just what you mentioned it is a bit of that too but that’s not what I meant.” Remus said frustrated. His mind was foggy from the alcohol and he was growing angry that Sirius just didn’t seem to be understanding it at all.
“Then what are you talking about? What secret? Explain it to me.” Sirius begged. “Just tell me what you mean.”
“I’m gay Sirius. That’s what it fucking means.” Remus spat the words. His words were laces in venom cutting through to the bone. There was no coming back from this.
“Oh.” Sirius said softly.
The world felt like it stopped in its tracks.
“Yeah. ‘Oh’. And it’s annoying as fuck watching you just go talk to these girls, flirt with them and shit when I will never get that.”
“Why can’t you?” Sirius said, looking into remus’ eyes. There was softness there. Like he wanted to offer Remus the world.
“Did you just not hear me? Or are you choosing to ignore me? I like men. Not sure if you know this but the world isn’t exactly big on men who want to fucking kiss other men, Sirius. Do you know a single other guy in our year, fuck in the fucking school who is gay?”
Sirius didn’t say anything for a second he just sat looking at Remus like he was contemplating his options. He looked around them quickly before leaning in and pressing his lips into Remus’.
The kiss was awkward and stiff and didn’t last long before Remus pushed Sirius off. He could see red, taste red, the lingering fire whiskey that had been transferred from Sirius’ to Remus’ lips felt like acid on his. Only able to further fuel the harsh words Remus was about to say.
“What the fuck is wrong with you. I tell you that I’m upset that I’ll be alone forever and you think ‘ah yes let me give him a fucking pity kiss’ do you ever think about anyone else?” Remus said angrily.
“That’s not what it was, Remus.” Sirius tried to explain.
“Oh it wasn’t? So you didn’t just kiss me because I’m pathetically in love with you and you felt bad?”
The confession hung heavy in the air.
“You didn’t just kiss me because I told you how I felt and you didn’t know how to be emotionally sensitive to me and support me and figured the magic Sirius Black kiss would make up for it?”
The words were ugly and violent, cutting the both of them down at each syllable dropped.
“You didn’t kiss me when we both know for a fact that at the end of the night you will end up coming back to the dorm wearing smudged lipstick from fucking Bethany and then proceed to tell me all about yet another girl you won’t talk to a week from now, While my heart breaks a little bit more?” Remus whisper yelled, tears filling his eyes as the confession left his lips.
“That’s not true. What are you talking about? You never told me you loved me Remus… you told me you were gay and that no one else here was… I was showing you that I’m also gay. Or like partially gay…” sirius said. “And for the record I love you back and have for ages. I didn’t think that you liked me.”
“That’s not fucking true! Don’t lie to me Sirius!” The accusation was thrown.
“I’m not fucking lying. I’m telling you how I feel Dickhead.” Sirius spat back growing upset.
“No you don’t, if you did you wouldn’t flirt with anyone who looked at you twice. if you did you wouldn’t always be so fucking heartless and cruel in how you treat me.”
“I was flirting with them because I was trying to ignore my feelings for you.” He argued. “And are you really calling me fucking heartless? What about you being mad at me over something you weren’t communicating with me? What about how when I tried telling you how I felt and showing you I liked you, you yelled at me?”
“I’m not fucking doing this tonight, I’m too drunk for this shit and so are you. enjoy the rest of the fucking party I’m going to bed.” Remus said standing up and storming off.
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He woke up the next day with his head pounding, his face stained with tears and eyes still puffy. God he hated last night. He wished it never happened. Once again he could feel the bile buildup this time with the added bonus of a hangover he was sure he would throw up. He luckily made his way to the bathroom just in time before all his regrets spilled out of him.
“Moony, are you okay? I know we’re fighting right now but… just… I care about you, please let me in so I know you're okay.” He heard Sirius’ voice through the door. He unlocked it.
“I’m fine.” He lied, wiping his mouth.
“No you’re not. Please don’t hide from me.” Sirius begged, sounding broken and small as he walked towards Remus.
“Okay. Fine. I’m not okay. What do you want me to say? I wish last night never fucking happened. I’m sorry for dumping my stupid feeling on you okay. I just… I never wanted you to know to begin with.” Remus replied feeling as broken as Sirius sounded. “Can we please just forget I ever said anything?”
“No.”
“What?”
“I said no we can’t ‘just forget’ Remus.” Sirius repeated looking at Remus.
“Wow. Okay. Fine I guess… nice knowing you.” Remus said, trying to swallow the lump in his throat.
“We can’t forget because I don’t want to. I want to talk about it. We’re talking about it.”
“What is there to say? It’s stupid. You now know I love you. Wow. It’s dumb… whatever. I get it. Just. Can’t we act like I never told you?” Remus pleaded.
“It’s not dumb Remus and I don’t want to act like you never told me. I love you too. I told you that last night.” Sirius said.
“Yeah but you didn't mean it Sirius. You can’t mean it, I'm me and you're you.”
“Exactly you’re you, and I’m me! You’re moony! My amazing best friend. My beautiful, silly, awkwardly tall best friend. The guy I talk to about everything. The boy who makes me feel safe. Who I talk to in the middle of the night. Please stop telling me how I feel about you.” Sirius confessed, grabbing Remus’ hand.
Remus still didn’t fully believe it. But Sirius had a point. It wasn’t fair for him to tell the other how he felt.
“Okay, fine, say you do.” He said taking his hand back and sitting on the side of the bath.
“I do.”
“What now? I love you and you love me. great. Not exactly like we can do anything about that. Other people are still really fucking mean.” He said the words like they were undeniably true. He believed entirely in the words he said.
“Why not? Other people don’t need to know… James and Peter and Lily and our friends, the people that matter! They won’t care… and even if people did find out, we can just be mean back. I would be mean to everyone on this planet to get to love you.”
“It just… it wouldn’t… it… couldn’t.” Remus said sounding less sure by the second.
“But why not?” Sirius reiterated, stepping closer.
“I love you.”
Another step. A repeated confession.
“And you love me?”
A question. A final step toward Remus.
“I do.” Remus whispered.
“We love each other. And that’s enough.”
“Is it?” Remus asked.
“For me? Yeah. For me it’s enough moons. Please let it be enough for you.” Another plea.
“Okay.” Remus nodded.
“If I kiss you will you pull away again?” Sirius asked softly.
“Yes. But not because I don’t want to kiss you. It’s just that I like just threw up.” Remus laughed.
“Okay yeah no that’s gross, brush your teeth or something. I want to kiss my boyfriend.” Sirius demanded.
“Ohhhh I’m your boyfriend now?” Remus asked teasingly with a smile.
“I mean yeah, if… if you want to be yes.”
“Of course I want to be.” Remus replied smiling.
“Boyfriends?”
“Boyfriends.”