so tired but you cant sleep
Scorpius had been so quiet. It was strange.
It had been strange for years. Scorpius wasn't normal since the diagnosis. But he'd gotten quieter as of late. Instead of a few sentences every so often, he'd gotten down to a few words. Some days he wouldn't speak at all. He tried. At least he tried sometimes. It looked like it hurt when he really tried. It looked like the words were going to make him sick. Or, more sick. Albus didn't like seeing him hurting. He didn't force him to speak, even though he'd give anything if it meant he could hear his voice and listen to his laugh as if everything was normal.
It was selfish to want to hear his voice even when it was painful to speak. It was horrible of Albus to think of Scorpius hurting himself for Albus’ own pleasure.
He knew it was a selfish desire. He wanted it more than anything else.
Scorpius was talkative last night. It was almost scary seeing him like that. Albus came into his room at night, expecting to see his partner laying down fast asleep. Instead, he was greeted with the figure of a blond man, hunched over a book with his wand in the other hand, shakily illuminating the pages so that he could see the words more clearly. Albus inhaled softly at the sight of him, his eyes involuntarily tearing up with something resembling joy. He hadn’t seen Scorpius with so much energy in years. He smiled, walking towards Scorpius and gently sitting himself down in bed.
“Hi,” Albus said quietly, his lips curled upwards.
“Hello,” Scorpius replied, shutting his book now that Albus was here. He set the book down on the bedside table, whispering a quiet “Nox” so that the light from his wand quickly faded. He put the wand on the table as well, looking back at Albus afterwards with a smile. There was still visible weakness in Scorpius’ face, but he glowed with a sort of life that Albus hadn’t seen in much too long.
Albus moved to the bed, crawling under the blankets so that he was beside Scorpius without even an inch of space between them. Scorpius beamed, moving closer to Albus. His body trembled, like it always did, but he seemed to have acquired some new strength. Albus knew he would have realized something was wrong if he had just stopped to think for a second. But he was too selfish. He was just happy to see Scorpius in a state that he hadn’t seen since before he got sick. He was happy to feel like life was normal, even if it was just for the night.
“You’re warm,” Scorpius muttered, curling up next to Albus with a smile on his face. Albus simply admired him, unaware of his blatant and slightly creepy staring. He watched Scorpius’ blonde eyelashes flutter shut, his cheeks growing warm at the sight of his lover’s dimples as he smiled contently. He felt like a kid again, getting butterflies in his stomach at the mere sight of Scorpius.
“You’re cold,” Albus replied, smiling softly and wrapping an arm around Scorpius. Scorpius curled up tighter, attached to Albus with his head resting on his chest. “Are you feeling alright?”
“Very alright, actually,” Scorpius answered. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too,” Albus ran his fingers through Scorpius’ hair. It was thin and almost straw like, but still just as blonde and pretty as he remembered. Even through his sickness and his struggle to take care of himself, Scorpius’ hair was still short. That was the one thing he always took care of. One thing he felt like he had control over. Albus liked his short hair.
Albus kissed the top of Scorpius’ head so he could feel his hair and breathe in his scent.
“No pain today?” Albus asked, pulling away slightly.
“Not really,” Scorpius replied, his voice quiet. “It’s more bearable today than it usually is.”
“That’s good,” Albus smiled. “Are you hungry? Do you need anything? Water?”
“Albus, I’m okay,” Scorpius laughed. “All I need is you here with me.”
Albus let out a soft exhale, nodding.
“Okay,” Albus said quietly. He held Scorpius close to him, his hand resting on the man’s waist. Things felt normal for a moment.
Albus opened his mouth to speak again, though a quick glance over at Scorpius’s sleeping figure quickly shut him up. He smiled again, kissing the side of Scorpius’ forehead and resting his head. He stared up at the ceiling for a second before shutting his eyes, dozing off with a warmth in his cheeks and his chest.
Albus should’ve known it wouldn’t last. He knew how Scorpius got. He’d feel fine one day, and be worse than ever the next. He knew it was stupid to have hope. He knew he shouldn’t have thought that last night was different for some stupid, naive reason. He knew Scorpius’ energy was a sign of what was to come. He'd pretended not to know. He ignored everything but the fact that Scorpius felt good. That was what felt most important.
Scorpius was the worst he had ever been that morning.
Albus awoke, seeing him rolled over to the side, hugging his stomach. It was a stark contrast to the way he had comfortably fallen asleep.
“Scorpius?” Albus asked, his voice low. “Scorpius, are you awake?”
Scorpius didn’t answer. He simply curled further in on himself, letting out a low, pained whine. Albus frowned, tapping him on the shoulder.
“Are you in pain?” Albus asked, rolling his eyes at himself after the words left his mouth. Of course he is.
Scorpius couldn’t reply. Albus sat up to get a better look at his face, his expression softening upon seeing the tears which flowed from his eyes which were squeezed shut. Dried blood presented itself on the side of Scorpius’ lips, which immediately worried Albus. Scorpius only coughed up blood on his worst days.
“Fuck,” Albus quickly got out of bed, causing Scorpius to let out a broken whimper. “I’ll go get your potion, okay?”
“No,” Scorpius choked out, starting to cough immediately after he spoke. Albus looked to him quickly, watching him carefully and putting his hand on his arm. His coughs faded and he started to weakly sob, hiding his face with his hands.
“Scorpius,” Albus whispered, his eyebrows furrowed. “You need the potion, I-”
“Please,” Scorpius squeaked out through his sobs. “St-stay.”
Albus’ eyes stung with tears as he watched Scorpius' body tremble with quiet sobs. He felt so helpless.
Memories of last night filled his mind.
He felt tears spilling from his eyes.
Scorpius was fine just last night. He was okay. He was getting better. He had to be.
“I’ll be back,” Albus’ voice broke with his words. “I'll be back as fast as I can, okay?”
Scorpius didn't respond; he only further curled up under the blanket and clutched his stomach tighter. Albus’ throat burned.
He returned as soon as he could, carrying a potion bottle along with some sweets. Scorpius hadn’t been very thrilled about eating actual food as of late, so Albus hoped he would at least eat some sweets. It wasn't the healthiest, but it was better than him completely starving.
Albus reentered the room, seeing Scorpius eyes shut tightly as he lay still under the covers. He didn't seem to be crying anymore, but Albus could tell he was still in pain.
“Hey,” Albus said softly to alert Scorpius of his entry. Scorpius didn't move, though Albus could see his eye peek open to look at him for a second. “I brought you some sweets as well. Um- thought it would make you feel better.”
Scorpius stayed still, his eyes shut again. Albus swallowed, moving closer to the bed and setting down the bag of sweets he’d brought up. He hesitantly reached down to touch Scorpius, pushing his hair back so that it wasn’t in his face. Scorpius winced at the touch, but didn’t pull away.
“Can you sit up?” Albus requested, removing the cork from the potion bottle. Scorpius stayed unmoving, his eyes squeezed shut. Albus breathed in sharply, trying not to cry any more.
Scorpius was in so much pain and all Albus could do was stand there helplessly with a stupid potion.
He hated himself.
“Please.” Albus whispered, knowing that speaking any louder would cause him to break down.
He wished he could have gotten sick instead of Scorpius. He wished he was a better partner. He wished he knew how to help Scorpius. He wished he could take his pain away. He wished he had been there for him more. He wished he was smart enough to have noticed the signs of his sickness sooner.
It was his fault.
Scorpius was suffering because of him.
Again.
A sob escaped Albus’ throat, and he quickly pressed his free hand against his mouth, silencing himself before Scorpius heard him. Scorpius opened his eyes despite this, locking eyes with Albus. Albus dragged his hand off from his mouth and took a breath, mouthing the word “please” without any noise coming out.
Scorpius sat up, his body trembling as he did so. Albus watched him, wanting so desperately to hold him even though he knew Scorpius wouldn’t want him to. Scorpius must have hated him. Albus knew he did.
“Here,” Albus held the potion out, though Scorpius didn’t take it. He looked at the potion, then at Albus, then at the wall.
“Do you- want me to help you?” Albus asked hesitantly. After a few seconds, Scorpius nodded, his head barely moving.
Scorpius never accepted Albus’ help. Not without him struggling first.
He was at his worst. He was fading fast. Albus knew that it would happen. He just didn’t expect it to happen yet.
Albus blinked away tears and held the potion, carefully bringing it to Scorpius’ lips. Scorpius drank half of it before pulling away.
“You have to finish it,” Albus said gently. “You’re almost there. There's just a little bit left.”
Scorpius looked down, and Albus could see a few tears spill from his eyes and form dark spots in the blanket he had up to his lap. His stomach twisted painfully.
“Please,” Albus begged. “You’re almost done. You’ll feel better once it’s done, okay?”
Scorpius didn’t look up.
“Scorpius,” Albus’ voice broke as it grew louder. Scorpius shook his head, a few strands of hair falling in his face. “...Scorpius?”
Scorpius looked up finally, his face crumpled as he cried. “No,” He squeaked out, his voice barely audible. Albus felt his heart break. He blinked, briefly breaking eye contact with Scorpius as tears spilled down his cheeks.
“No?” Albus repeated quietly. Scorpius shook his head.
“I want to die,” Scorpius spat, his voice unsteady and raspy from crying.
Albus flinched at Scorpius’ words.
“I want this shit to fucking kill me already,” Scorpius sobbed, his voice now growing slightly louder. “Just let me fucking die.”
“Scorpius,” Albus choked out, unable to control his tears.
The gravity of the situation came crashing down on Albus.
Everything suddenly felt real. Scorpius was dying. He was going to die. Albus hardly had any time left with him.
The little time he did have with him, he'd wasted by making him feel worse.
He started sobbing.
It hurt.
He watched Scorpius cry harder, his head down and his hands clutching his stomach.
Albus wiped his eyes, exhaling shakily and sitting in bed next to Scorpius.
“I love you,” Albus said quietly, glancing over to Scorpius. Scorpius continued to cry with his head hung. Albus sniffled, wiping his nose with his sleeve. “I love you. I'm sorry. I love you so much.”
Scorpius nodded, gasping for air between sobs.
“I’m sorry I can't help you. I'm sorry I've been- just- so fucking awful. You deserve better than me- and I know that, but I- I wanna try to help you, and– I just hate seeing you like this. I want to make you happy, and I don't know how, but I want to, and-”
Scorpius put his head on Albus’ shoulder, immediately shutting Albus up. Albus inhaled lightly, feeling Scorpius’ cold hand gently glide over his before interlocking their fingers. He held Scorpius’ hand as tight as he knew Scorpius felt comfortable with, careful not to hurt him.
Albus wanted to scream. He wanted to sob. He wanted to die.
But he sat with Scorpius and held his hand as he cried.
That was all he could do.
“I love you,” Scorpius whispered, audibly struggling to get the words out. “It's okay. I love you.”
Albus bit his lip, sniffling and nodding. Every day from now would just be harder than the last.
But Scorpius was still alive.
He held his hand tighter.
He was still alive. That was all that mattered.