‘tis the damn season

I won’t ask you to wait if you don’t ask me to stay

When Sirius arrived just two minutes ago, the only thing he expected was a nice week spent with family. Just him, James, Mum, and Dad. Regulus, later on. What he didn’t expect was Remus fucking Lupin in the breakfast table, eating with his family.

“Hey darling, you’re home! Have a seat, I’ll go grab a plate for you.” Effie says, getting up to do just that.

Slowly, Sirius takes the seat across Remus. “Hi,” He says quietly–whisper more like.

“Hey,” Remus whispers back.

“Isn’t this great!? All of us together again, just like old times!” James says, he’s basically vibrating in excitement. “The three of us haven’t been in the same room since, what?—

“Summer after graduation,” Sirius and Remus says in unison. Their eyes immediately connect after that. Remus gives him a small smile before going back to his meal but Sirius’ eyes linger for a while… they always do.

“How are you… Remus?” He says, eyes still stuck on the man across him.

“Still me,,” Their eyes connect again, and Sirius swears he can still feel the spark those amber eyes always gave him all those years ago.

“He’s still the same Moony. You know, he’s basically working about a hundred jobs right now? I still don’t know how he does it.” James butts in, unaware of the moment Sirius thinks he and Remus are having.

Sirius chuckles, “Still?” He remembers lanky high school Remus, pocketing every job flyers he can find, some nights he takes his very old guitar and sings at fancy restaurants, he washes cars, babysits, maw lawns, basically everything anyone could ever think of.

“Yeah,” Remus chuckles as well. “Not anymore though… I’m proud to announce that I’m finally going to college.”

“Oh my god, Remus I am so proud of you!” James, ever the sweetheart, pulls Remus into an embrace. “How did that happen? You were just working all your ass off last week.”

“I got the scholarship,” Remus just shrugged like getting a scholarship is equivalent to acing a test.

“You got it!?” James was jumping now, Remus gave him a shy nod. “Good god, finally! It’s about time!”

At the midst of watching them fondly, Sirius’ brows furrows  in confusion, “Wait, the scholarship? The one you applied for just before graduation?”

“Yes that one!” James says with a snap.

Sirius recalls all the stress Remus was under after weeks of no feedback from his dream college along with everything they were going through… and then finally he got an email telling him he was put on hold. Remus was certain that was the school’s way of rejecting him without the dramatics, but then… almost three years later.

He got it

Sirius is so proud of him.

The celebration continues when Effie came back, asking what all the squealing was about. James, like the proud mum he is announced the news. Effie was so proud, they all are really. Remus deserves everything he could ever dream of.

“How about you, Sirius? How are you?” Remus asked,

“I’m great!”

Remus nodded along with him, “You’re seen on billboards now, I heard?” 

Sirius felt his cheeks go red, “Yeah, I am… I got into a big brand and so far I think they like me,”

“Please,” Remus chuckles, “I don’t think there’s anyone in the world who wouldn’t like you,” Sirius bows his head to hide his flustered face. Only Remus could do that to him.

“So boys, you’re all here. Do you have any plans?” Effie asks once they were all finished with breakfast. They’re all helping her clean up now. “Sirius, you’re only here for… a week, right?”

“Yeah, I was really hoping for more—begged, actually but… a week is all they can give me.”

Effie’s hands go on either of Sirius’ cheeks, “We’ll make the most of it then… will Regulus be joining us?”

“Mhm, he’ll be over by tonight—“ Sirius felt James’ head perk up and then Sirius remembered, “Which was supposed to be a surprise, so you better act surprised later Prongs.”

All in all his day started fine, compared to what inevitably will come… yeah, his morning was fine.

When Effie finally leaves for work, the plans go in motion. The boys go grocery shopping—well, James drags them grocery shopping. James insists on a reunion party. His reasons being everyone's home!

And everyone was. On the way to the grocery store, he bumped into Marlene, still going strong with Dorcas. They passed by Florean Fortescue’s ice cream where they saw Alice who is apparently happily married to Frank Longbottom now and they have a kid too! Isn’t that awesome!?

They passed by Lily Evans on the way too, Sirius was really happy to see her, he saw Mary but he doesn’t think she saw him, it’s fine though. He’ll see all of them later.

Remus and Sirius tails James as they circle the store, they’re both really quiet. Very unlike how they used to be. They were very loud, hyper, teenagers. They were always together, always so close, it was a miracle that no one knew they were together.

Now it’s just awkward silences and words wanting to be said but can’t.

They’re holding back, Sirius knows.

Sirius hates that they are but he understands.

He wanted this, he asked for this.

Sirius can’t help but recall how it used to be,

Walking behind all of their friends so no one will notice the small kisses they would share, sneaking in and out of the Potter’s late at night to hang out with Remus, taking food out from each other’s plates, sometimes feeding each other innocently… they’d laugh afterwards so anyone who saw would think they were just friends playing around.

They’d share clothes, no one would suspect because they’re friends. When they were bored, Remus would read to him and sometimes if Remus let’s him, Sirius would do his make up.

Sirius even after three years, he still feels the secret kisses they shared, the longing stares, the secret smiles, Remus would wink at him when no one is looking and Sirius would get all flushed.

Remus would go, “Is the famous Sirius Black flustered? The one everyone is pining for? The heartbreaker?” or sometimes he’d jokingly say, “You know, you’re so good at flirting and then when it’s you being flirted on you get so red,” and then Sirius would go redder.

“I missed you,” Sirius blinks profusely as if he’d just imagine it.

“What?” Sirius turns to Remus who’s walking beside him.

“Don’t pretend you didn’t hear,”

Sirius feels his cheek go red again. He’s reminded how much he hated this before. “Oh… I missed you too.”

Remus chuckles, “Well I hate to say ‘I told you so’ but I told you so.”

Sirius knows that Remus is only joking but he can’t help but feel it’s more… because it always is between them. 

Sirius swallows the lump in his throat, they were like words threatening to spill and Sirius was willing to choke rather than let them out. He forces a chuckle, “You did, didn’t you?” and then they both laugh.

During the three years he’s spent away from Remus, he’s had sleepless nights where he thinks about what could have been, if he had just stayed here in Godric’s Hollow and been with Remus or if Remus just woke up and decided he’d drop everything and leave with Sirius.

He longs for that life, he longs for Remus but he can never allow himself to regret his decision because it cost them both so much. Regretting would mean that all the pain they went through and moved on from was a waste. It would mean that he’d hurt Remus for nothing.

And now he longs for late nights and early mornings on Remus’ bed. He longs for the chocolate and tea and book page scented room of his that always linger into their clothes.

All he can do is long.

They have lunch at the Leaky Cauldron, Sirius couldn’t help but study Remus when he’s not looking. Sirius would think, ‘Are you happy?’ wishing so bad that he could transmit this thought to Remus’ mind.

When Sirius left to be a model, he thought he’d move on from Remus. He knew it would be hard, he knew it would take a while but he was certain it would eventually come. Three years later, it never did.

Along with his nights of longing were nights where he just wanted to take the next flight home and crawl into Remus’ arms. At one point he came as close as packing his things and booking a flight but again Regretting would mean it was all a waste, taking it back would mean it was all for nothing.

He doesn’t want it all to be a waste but that night, as he’s watching Remus dance with all their high school friends, laughing, and unaware of the force that he carries… Sirius just wants to cry and beg him to take him back.

This isn’t what he expected when he decided to visit home. He knew he would inevitably see Remus again, he knew they’d have to interact as if they never had a love story, one that could rival the books… He thought he could handle it. He’s Sirius Black, for god’s sake. He can handle anything… anything but Remus Lupin.

No one can handle Remus Lupin.

“You’re staring at him.” He jumps a little when he hears Regulus say.

“Yeah, and you told James I’d be coming.”

Sirius rolls his eyes, “Yeah, well if it’s such a big secret then why did you tell me?”

“Yeah, that’s my mistake. Let’s get back to the fact at hand, shall we?”

“Please don’t,” The only person who knows about the tragedy that is Sirius Black and Remus Lupin is his brother. You can never keep anything from him, he always knows and Sirius is thankful for that fact. He doesn’t know what he would do if there was no one who could sympathize with him, someone who knows what he’s feeling. He’d be miserable if he’d have to bottle everything up.

“You’re looking at Remus like you’re about to throw a tantrum.” 

“I want to throw a tantrum,”

“Maybe you should talk to him?” Regulus shrugs.

“We are talking. We’re pretending like nothing ever happened, like we’re best of friends. See, this is why historians always get these wrong, people are trying so hard to hide the evidence, they’re trying so hard to deny what’s very obvious, trying so hard to bury the evidence.”

“You mean you guys are trying so hard. I don’t get why you guys do though, you ended it well, you shouldn’t have to pretend it never happened.”

He’s right. Regulus is always right. Sirius sighs, “So what should I do?”

“Talk about it with him. At least acknowledge it, you know? You know Remus, he goes with the flow. If you’re acting like it never happened then he’s obviously going to act like it never happened as well. He’d think it’s what you would want and he always gives you what you want.”

Sirius nods, deep in thought. Regulus, again, is right. That’s Remus. Regardless of what it is he really wants, he’d give Sirius the world if he thinks it’s what Sirius wants.

“What are we talking about and what are we staring at from afar?” James pops up, draping an arm at Sirius’ shoulder and one around Regulus’ waist. Sirius scrunches his nose as he does whenever he’s reminded of his brother and best friend’s relationship.

“We’re talking about life and its regrets.” Regulus says and just like three years ago, the guilt slaps Sirius across the face. He doesn’t like keeping things from James. Both he and Remus hated it but they had to.

They knew how their relationship would end so they didn’t see why they needed to let it be known. It would only put their friends in the middle, it would only complicate things.

But that doesn’t make the guilt less.

“Argh, trust the Black brothers to make a party depressing. Come on, let's go get drinks.” James pulls both Sirius and Regulus.

“Nope, we’ll go get drinks, Sirius is going to dance.” Regulus says as he pushes Sirius off of James’ arm.

“He was mine first you know!” Sirius says as he angrily stomps.

“Well he’s mine now so go find your own!” Regulus does a subtle glance at Remus’ way before grabbing James towards the drinks.

Sirius huffs. He doesn’t go to Remus, instead he goes to the backyard. He palms his pockets for his pack of cigarettes and remembers Effie found them earlier and took them. He huffs again before taking a seat on one of the steps.

He leans back to look at the sky and reminds himself of nights like these all those years ago.

Before Sirius and Remus were together, and Sirius was still pining for him, one of his favorite things in the world was late nights with Remus at the roof.

During the summer, Remus spent nights over and then when everyone was asleep, Remus would grab Sirius’ hand and quietly lead him out the window to climb to the roof. They’d lay there and sometimes Sirius would tell Remus about the stars. One of his favorite nights was when Remus would point at every star except the Sirius star and say, “That’s obviously your star,” just to tease him.

Sirius used to get very offended when people pointed at random stars and declares it as Sirius. “It’s the brightest star, it’s not that hard to find!” He used to say.

“That’s obviously your star,” Sirius turns around and sees Remus.

“Did you read my mind or something?” Sirius chuckles.

“You should know better, I’m always reading your mind.” 

Remus sits next to him, offering him a cigarette. “Oh, you're a lifesaver.” Sirius sighs.

“Effie took yours again?”

“Just before she left.” Remus takes out his lighter just before Sirius does and lights.

“I’m pretty sure part of her resents me for introducing you to cigarettes.”

“Mmm, I’m pretty sure she never believed me when I told her it was you that introduced me to it. In her eyes you’ll always be innocent, angelic, perfect Remus Lupin.”

Remus chuckles, “That, I am.” They both shared a quiet laugh before the silence crept in.

Again it’s like Sirius could hear the words trying to escape both their lips.

Talk to him. He hears Regulus in his head.

Regulus would be really mad at him if he didn't listen so…

“How are you, Remus?” Sirius asked again.

“I’m fine…” Remus says quietly, like if no one could hear him then no one would question him.

“You know what I mean…”

“No, I am… I really am, I just…” Remus sighs and looks away from Sirius, instead he looks at the sky. “I miss you...”

Sirius doesn’t know if they miss each other the same way, but even so he replies, “I miss you too…”

A small smile creeps on Remus’ lips, “I never told anyone this but I am so looking forward to leaving.” Finally, he looks at Sirius again.

“Why is that?”

“Why I’ve never told anyone or why am I looking forward to it?”

Sirius shrugs, “Both, I guess.”

“Well I never told anyone because when everyone else left Godric’s Hollow, they made it seem like it was the worst thing ever and that it was the hardest thing to do. There were so many tears and hesitation for them. And then when they visit they always talk about how much they miss it and how they shouldn’t have left… but I don’t feel that way. And I think if I told anyone they’d just look at me in a way like I’m this cold hearted asshole who’s throwing away all that I have ever been here.”

“You’re not though. I think all those tears and hesitation everyone else had when they left were them holding on to their childhoods and they’re not ready to let go yet. Not feeling that way just shows how ready you are, you’re ready to grow. I didn’t shed a tear when I left.”

That’s because he kept repeating in his head how he doesn’t regret anything. The moment he arrived at his flat in the city, he immediately broke down crying, already missing his family and his friends… already missing Remus.

Remus nods again, “Yeah, maybe it’s like that—I hope it’s like that.”

“And what about the second one?”

“Godric’s Hollow isn’t the same as it was. The places that used to be ours, there’s another group of teenagers who made it theirs, not to mention the fact that literally no one is here anymore. The people here are either too young or too old.”

“Oh, so you’re excited to leave town because you can’t find anyone here?” Sirius jokes and Remus laughs. “Do you want me to introduce you to my model friends? Would you like that?”

“Thanks but I’m not really interested in models.”

Sirius eyes widens, and his mouth hangs open, “Oh, is that so?”

“Yeah, they tend to always leave, so…” Remus shrugs and Sirius is thankful to hear Remus chuckle or he’d be convinced he was being serious.

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that…”

“It’s fine Pads. We both knew you’d leave from the very beginning. We saw that coming, there’s no need for apologies and guilt.”

But somehow, he always ends up feeling guilty.

“How about you, how are you?”

“I’m fine, really, great, thriving… all the other synonyms… It’s just over there in the city… I don’t really have many friends. Well I do but… it’s not the same. It makes me feel very lonely sometimes.”

“I’m sorry…”

“No, it’s fine. It’s just I’m never content because in friendships, I’m always looking for the kind we have with our friends and it’s always never the same. Sometimes I just want to put all of you in my pocket and take you wherever I go.”

“I want that too… That’s part of why I’m so looking forward to leaving. Every part of Godric’s Hollow are memories of what we will never have again, it’s insufferable… and it’s not even an ‘I peaked in high school’ kind of thing–I definitely didn’t peak in high school. It’s just that I miss everyone. Every part of this place are different people to me. Every time I go to Fortescue, some part of me expects to find Alice but she’s not there.”

Sirius aches for Remus. It must be hard being the only one left here… Especially after a childhood like theirs.

“Tell you what, how about we go about town tomorrow, we go to all the places we used to go to and just pretend like everything is still the way it was.”

“Really?” Remus says like it’s the most ridiculous idea ever.

“Yeah, just the two of us… fuck all the teenagers who thinks they’ve replaced us, we’ll kick them out.”

“Yeah…” Remus chuckles. “That sounds nice…”

“Of course it is, I thought of it. Now tell me, how’s Minnie doing?”

“She just got another cat.”

“Another one!?”

Conversation ran smoothly after that. Of course they didn’t technically talk about them but they still talked. They still proved that everything is still the same as it was.

Sirius is grateful for that. He feels part of him would die if Remus doesn’t want anything to do with him anymore. If he refused to see him or talk to him anymore.