dorothea
it’s never too late to come back to my side
The next day Sirius wakes up early in the morning feeling very excited that he decided he was going to make breakfast.
If he told anyone at home they would have immediately stopped him because Sirius and Kitchen do not mix together but that was years ago. Sirius has learned now. He hasn’t learned a lot but he has learned something.
Although just before he could start, it’s like Effie’s spider sense tingles and suddenly she’s in the kitchen ushering him out of the way. Sirius helps though… and then he takes all the credit once they start eating.
No one believes him anymore though, he’s been taking credit for Effie’s cooking since he was fifteen.
After breakfast he gets ready and takes off. When he gets to the Lupin’s it’s Lyall who opens the door and lets him in. “Sirius, you’re home?”
“Good morning, yeah… I’m home for the week.” Sirius gives him a polite smile.
“Hmm, yeah, everyone seems to be home. Well, I’m off to work. Remus is in his room.”
Sirius, who already feels at home, goes straight to Remus’ room to find him topless and only in his pajama bottoms.
“Well good morning to you too,” Remus greets him. Sirius’ eyes remain on Remus’ body, still so beautiful. “Hello?”
“Hi,” Sirius replies bashfully. “I thought we should start early so we can do more things together…”
“Mmm, yeah… more things together… ” One corner of Remus’ lips rises and his brows shoot up.
It takes Sirius a second to get it and when he does, “Well, not like that… But if you want to, all you have to do is ask.” He gives him a playful wink and they both laugh.
“Let me get dressed and then we’ll leave, yeah?”
“Alright,”
Remus remains where he’s standing, still looking at him for a while before he says, “Are you going to watch or…” Remush chuckles at the face Sirius makes, “You can if you want, I don’t mind. Nothing you haven’t seen before, right?”
Sirius, face deep red, purses his lips and turns around and waits. When Remus finishes, he puts both hands on either of Sirius’ shoulders and guides him out the door but not to the sidewalk.
“I think we should be going that way?” He points towards the sidewalk.
“If you want to walk, sure.” He can hear the shrug through Remus’ voice. “I honestly thought you wouldn’t want to though, I thought you’d miss Elvendork.”
“Elvendo—“ Sirius gasps, “You kept her!?” Before he had to leave, Sirius left lots of his things to Remus. From football jerseys to records, band tees to shoes, one of those was Elvendork. “I honestly thought you’d sell her, I mean you hated her!”
“No, I actually learned how to drive it. It’s not as scary if you don’t go as fast as you do.”
“You learned how to drive it??” Sirius is in awe. Even years later, Remus still knows how to enamor Sirius.
“Yeah, let’s go…” And he grabs Sirius’ hand and drags him to the motorcycle. Remus then hands him his helmet.
“You kept it, why’d you kept this?”
“Well I wasn’t going to throw it away along with everything you ever gave me. Plus, the stickers I gave you for the helmet were rare.” Sirius chuckles. “Anyway, where are we off to?”
“The burned down arcade first. Is it still the way it was?”
“Yeah… a different set of teenagers started hanging out there though but I don’t think they’re as cool as we were.”
“Obviously.” Sirius rolls his eyes.
“Oh, and I also heard they have plans on fixing the place. I think it’s going to be a coffee shop.”
“That sucks.” The arcade had been they’re place ever since it was still an arcade. And then it burned down but still, he and their friends continued to hang out there.
“Yeah, but at the same time it’s more coffee for me so…” Remus shrugs, “And it’s not like we’re still using it, I’m happy they’re fixing it that way those snotty teenagers would stop thinking that they’re replacing us.”
“Mmm, plus it’s more job opportunities for you too, if they make it into a coffee shop. You’ve been a barista before, right?”
Remus laughs, “Yeah I was, you said I looked great with the apron.”
“I bet that motivated you into taking more jobs.”
“Stop making me laugh, Sirius. I’m driving.” Remus continues to laugh.
“Yeah, and Albus fucking Dumbledor can run pass us, no problem. Speed the fuck up!”
“This is a reasonable speed!”
They bicker until they got to the arcade. The arcade was hideous. Some teenager thought to decorate it and now it looks like Santa and the Easter bunny got together and threw a party. The burned down vibe is long gone now.
“How about we go to behind the school?” So they go there.
Behind the school was where they cut classes back then. They’d climb the wall and hang out in the otherside. They’d share a cigarette there, sometimes they just lean in the wall and sleep for a while.
When they get there they were greeted by a lovely young couple making out.
“That used to be us,” Remus elbowed him.
“I don’t think we were that annoying… and loud.”
“Mmm, you were definitely, shamelessly loud though.”
Sirius’ cheeks start to go red, “Yeah, but only in the comfort of our own privacy.”
“They definitely think they’re in the comfort of their privacy.”
“Yeah, let’s just go.”
So they move into another destination, and another after that. All changed by time or occupied by the new generation. They didn’t kick them out like they said they would.
“Well this is shit,” Sirius complains. Everywhere they go it’s always not right. Even all the way at the Pettigrews where they used to play pool. Mr Pettigrew has now opened Peter’s pool table and turned it into a business.
“Last one?” Remus asks.
“Where’s that?”
“The treehouse by the lake…”
The treehouse by the lake…
Do they really want to go back there though? Unlike all the other destinations they’ve gone to, the treehouse was not one where they used to hang out with their friends, the treehouse was theirs… just theirs.
“Is that okay?” Sirius asked.
“Yeah, why not?” The treehouse was not only the pleace where they talked about their inevitable break up, it’s also where they actually broke up.
Sirius doesn’t want to go there… he doesn’t know what’s going to happen if they go there and even that has changed.
But still, they go…
The outside hasn’t changed. Sirius feels it’s a lot smaller than he remembers. Remus climbs up first and waits for Sirius on the little terrace by the door. “Would you like to do the honors?”
“It’s only appropriate seeing as I was the one who closed the door last time.” Sirius chuckles. The door is just a normal door, when you open it the way you normally do, it would seem stuck. That's why no one has climbed up there before… but if you just lift the door a little before you twist the knob and then give it a hard push, it would immediately open.
Yes, this is trespassing… but the real owners seem non-existent so… it’s theirs now.
Years ago, Sirius and Remus had brought cushions and throw pillows, lamps, blankets, curtains, anything to make it cozy… and everything was still there.
“Still here…” Sirius hears Remus whisper… it warmed Sirius’s heart. Everywhere they went today, every place that had changed and was occupied, Sirius saw how it had hurt Remus, more and more each time. And now he’s here and beaming.
“It’s still ours…” He says. “It’s nice to see that after everything… something still hasn’t changed.”
Sirius looks around, he sees the little notes he and Remus used to stick everywhere for each other, Remus’ reminders for Sirius, ‘buy snacks’, ‘Math homework!!!!’, ‘have you washed your leather jacket?’, ‘please return at least four of my favorite sweaters’ Sirius smiles at all his little scribbles, ‘love you Moony!’, ‘if you read this, find me and give me a cuddle please?’, ‘thinking of you :((‘, ‘give me a kiss :(‘, ‘you’re so pretty I can’t breathe’. There are a few books Remus left, some old test papers and homework, one of Remus’ sweaters, even the corpses of the last bouquet of flowers Remus had given him are there.
“Still cozy even with all the dust,”
“Let’s clean it up?”
“What?” Remus looks bewildered.
“Well you clearly haven't been here in a while, let’s clean it up so we can still hang out here… so you can still hang out here after I go,”
“Yeah… let’s do that,”
And they do. They dust off the place, they sweep the floor, they left the throw pillows and cushions on the roof to freshen up under the sun, they laugh, they play some music and dance like they always used to… Sirius is flooded with longing… he has it now but he still longs for it.
“Should we get pizza? I’m starving…” Remus says as he plops down the cushion beside Sirius.
“I knew you’d be… I already called.” Remus beams at him and then the silence returns…
When Sirius was too busy thinking of things to say, Remus suddenly says, “Do you ever wonder about… what could have been?”
“Sometimes…” Always… almost every night and it gets so painful knowing somewhere, some other time, some other universe… they do have that… the what if’s… in some other world, they’re all true and Sirius is so damn jealous of those versions of them.
“Me too…” And just like that, Sirius’ heart breaks all over again. Just when he thought he was finally okay, just when he thought everything was fine… the pieces of his glued up heart breaks all over again and each time they do, it gets more and more painful.
Why did he ever think he could get past this?
Why did he ever think he could be okay after ripping out his own heart.
He looks at Remus, ever so lovely… and down on those familiar lips. He’s okay now… Remus is okay now.
But Sirius is a selfish bastard… he always has been, so he presses his lips onto those he longs for, and it feels just like how they did the first time, and the second, the third, and all that came after.
The shock in Remus quickly dies down and when he starts kissing him back, Sirius swears he’s dead and this is the heaven that is granted for him.
Remus leans in and Sirius leans back until he’s laying on the cushions with Remus on top of him, his hands are on Remus’ hips pressing them together, closing even the tiniest space between them, and— and Sirius is tugging Remus’ sweater off, and—
“Hello!?”
Remus parts their kiss, leaning his forehead on Sirius’ and their both panting. A smirk tugs the corner of Remus’ lips, “I think that’s the pizza,” Sirius nods, still out of breath. “I’ll go get it,” and the brute goes out topless.
They ate in silence, after that they cleaned in silence… Sirius is starting to think that what happened was a mistake because it was! He shouldn’t have done that. Regardless of how much he wanted to, he shouldn’t have done that. He chose to break up with Remus, he wanted this. But the taste of Remus’ lips opened up his eyes into the realization that… he doesn’t want this anymore. He’d give everything to be back in Remus’ arms again… to his home. To hell with his career, to hell with fashion, and making a change! To hell with proving his mother wrong! What he really want is Remus but how could he have him when he’s already broken this man’s heart?
All he can do now is apologize… so he does, “Remus… about what happened, I–I just want to—“
Out of nowhere, Remus kisses him again. All he could do is let him. “You’re here for a week, yeah?” He says between kisses. Sirius tries to nod, “Can we make the most of it then? Please?” Remus pleads… and Remus Lupin never pleads, never to Sirius because all he need to do is ask and Sirius would move mountains, he’d move heaven and earth if only to give Remus what he wants…
So Sirius gives… “Of course,” He says, and Remus deepens their kiss.
All Sirius could think of in that moment was that if Remus wants him to stay forever… If Remus wanted… If Remus asked for him to stay, he would. He’d take a hundred jobs with him, he’d get them a flat and move in together–heck, he’ll have a child with him if he asked…
He loves this man so much that he would drop all that he has and be with him…
All Remus had to do was ask…
When Remus wakes up the next day, he wakes up to the fact that it was all a dream because that's how it normally goes. He dreams of the future he wants to have with Sirius and then he wakes up and then he cries… But not this time. He sighs in relief when he feels Sirius’ warmth beside him. He smiles and then wraps his arms tighter around him, he buries his face in the familiar scent of Sirius’ hair, and presses a kiss on there.
When Remus saw Sirius again yesterday, it’s like being pulled out of the water after three years of drowning. When Sirius kissed him last night, it’s like finally being able to sigh after three years of not breathing.
This man… he had loved this man since the moment he’d laid eyes on him. He was fourteen years old then when Sirius moved to Godric’s Hollow… Sirius and James had been internet friends for years and when Sirius ran away from home, he had taken the bus and came knocking on the Potters’ doorstep. The Potters had fought to have Sirius… all three of them and then when Remus had heard he wanted to give Sirius a lifelong hug and take all the pain away.
He’d loved him ever since… and then at fifteen, Sirius loved him back. It was like a prayer answered. They were swimming in the lake when Sirius just dropped everything and kissed Remus. Just like that, all the pinning was worth it. The hope he’d clung onto through every storm, through every fight… Everything was all worth it.
And now, this chance… this short, bliss chance of being with him once more. It’s all worth it because this love is all he’s ever known. He doesn’t know a life without it, he doesn’t want to know. All the love he has, all the love he can give… it’s all for Sirius Black, and Sirius Black alone.
It broke him when he had to let him go… he never stopped breaking after that. He knows it’s going to break him once more when Sirius leaves again… He’ll take what he can get and suffer the consequences when it gets here, it’s all worth it.
Sirius is always worth it.
“Good morning…” Sirius whispers, burying his face in Remus’ neck. Remus feels Sirius’ smile pressed on his skin.
“Good morning,” Remus says, pressing a kiss on his forehead. “What are the plans for today?”
“Mm, let’s swim in the lake…” Remus groans…
“You’ll swim, and I’ll watch?” Sirius lets out a laugh that sounds like a giggle.
“Nope, we’ll both swim.”
“It’s cold, Pads…”
“It’s not that cold, Moony…”
Moony…
For three years, he’s dreamt about hearing that name again… he’s dreamt about Sirius calling out for him again.
“Alright… I’ll swim with you.”
And they do…
When Sirius first came to Godric’s Hollow, he didn’t know how to swim. So Remus took him to this lake and taught him, that’s how they found the treehouse.
They’d spend whole days together in the lake… Well, Sirius would. Remus would dry up first and then watch Sirius swim… until Sirius realized how much Remus dislikes the cold water. He’d splash around trying to get Remus wet, he’d go as far as pulling him into the lake!
Remus would be annoyed for two minutes before after that he’d pretend to be annoyed until Sirius would let his guard down and Remus would playfully try to drown him.
After they swim, they hop on the motorcycle and drive to the cafe Remus used to work at and have breakfast. “On the way back to the treehouse, can we pass by my house? Just to pick up some clothes…”
“Can I borrow some clothes too?” Sirius asks… He’s just going to bring it with him when he leaves like all the clothes he borrowed three years ago…
Remus’ stomach flutters at the thought of Sirius Black, runway model, cover of magazines, dressed up in his old sweaters on his free day.
“Sure…”
So when they went to his house, Remus packed a whole bag of clothes. He plans to stay the week in the treehouse with Sirius, making every second count.
When they get back to the treehouse they cozy themselves on the cushions, music is playing in the background and Remus is reading to Sirius… just like old times.
When Remus’ eyes tire, he puts down the book and looks at Sirius instead. “How’s work?” He asked.
“It’s great! Free clothes, I get to hang out with Regulus… James visits him often so I get to see him a lot. I got the dream apartment, and… oh—OH! Do you know I was in a billboard once!! And I’m in magazines now, I even made it in the cover a few times! All in just three years!” Remus does know… when he heard, he took his savings and went to the city where he was on the billboard just to look. He’s spent a few savings on the magazines as well.
“I’m very proud of you…” Remus was with him through all the dreaming Sirius had for this future. He’s always wanted this, he’s always dreamt of being a star…
But he has always been a star. He was born a star brighter than his namesake. But Sirius couldn’t see that after the horrors his family has got him through.
“Are you really?” Sirius asks, bright eyes, maybe even teary.
“I really am Pads… this is all you’ve ever wanted and all I’ve ever wanted for you was to reach it. I’m really happy for you.” When Sirius is truly happy, the corner of his eyes crinkle and his smile is brightest. He gets giddy and shy at the same time, he doesn’t know if he should hide or show off and that’s what he is right now.
“I’m really proud of you too, Remus.” And Remus’ heart warms up like no sweater had ever done to him. “You got into your dream school, everything is paying off for you… It’s all I’ve ever wanted for you too.”
But the thing is, all Remus has ever wanted for himself was the beautiful man in front of him.
Every pain he’s ever gone through and will go through for this man is worth it.
At Sirius’ fourth day home, they get ready at Remus’ house after they were invited by the Prewetts for a party like old times, they said. Sirius is dressed in a mix of his own and Remus’ clothes, like he used to. No one has ever noticed, Sirius has that talent where he makes everything look like his own.
Even Remus beside him looks like his own.
“There’s something missing…” Sirius says as he stares at himself through the mirror.
“You look perfect though…” Remus reassures but he agrees… there is something missing with the whole nostalgic look that Sirius is trying to go for so Remus goes to his closet closet takes it out. “Is this what’s missing?” Remus waves Sirius’ leather jacket.
“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my gaaahh—I thought I lost it–where did you find it!!???” Sirius is in ecstasy, jumping around before he runs to grab the jacket and immediately puts it on, “Remus it still fits!!” Remus suddenly feels bad for keeping it. When Sirius was packing his things, he secretly took the jacket and for the first month without Sirius, he falls asleep crying with his arms wrapped around the jacket, he’s face buried on it. Once the jacket lost Sirius’ scent, Remus kept it, refusing to even look at the reminder of what he’s lost, too painful to bare.
“You left it on the treehouse…” He lies because why would he tell him the pathetic truth?
“And you kept it! Thank you so much, I missed this!” Sirius presses a kiss on his cheek. “Now I think there’s something missing on you, ” He says and rumage through his things, “Can I do your eyes?” He asks.
“Nope…” Remus says playfully. Sirius had always done his eyes and every time he asked, Remus would say ‘nope!’ But his answer never mattered anyway because Sirius would straddle him, press a chaste kiss on his lips, the tip of his nose, each of his brows, and do his eyes anyway… like what he’s doing right now.
Sirius’ breath is warm against his face. Remus likes it… like it’s a reminder that this is real, it’s not a dream, he’s really home… until the reality of the situation hits him.
Sirius would only be home until after three days. After that he’s gone again. Who knows when he’s going to be back again, and who knows if Remus would even be home when Sirius is.
What has he gotten himself into?
Why did he suggest this?
He could have easily gotten himself out, this is all just a recipe for disaster!
Just pure pain waiting to happen!
But he doesn’t regret it though…
Remus spends most of the party quarreling with himself, telling himself that this was stupid and at the same time, proud of himself for actually having the courage to take what he wants… we’ll not entirely what he wants but still!
He sighs in frustration and looks up to search for Sirius in the ocean of people, all from his childhood. He finds him in the center of them all, shining and bright like how he always does… Does he look as bright and happy in the big city? With all his model and celebrity friends? Do they get to see him like this? Remus envies them… but not really.
They see Sirius this way all the time and Remus is jealous of that but they never get to see Sirius become undone under him. They don’t get to see Sirius, asleep and vulnerable. They don’t get to have that Sirius…
But someone will soon enough and the chance that it could be Remus is very low.
Stay… he longs to tell him.
Let’s get boring jobs together and get an apartment…
Let’s spend the entire year saving up for a beach vacation somewhere…
Let’s adopt a kid and grow old together…
“Please stay…” He manages to whisper but Sirius was too far… always to far busy with the people.
I love you, he wants to say… but that isn’t fair. Not to Sirius who never asked for this. Not to Sirius who has big things coming his way… he can’t be the one who holds him back, he can’t be the one to dim his light.
Remus leaves the party and waits by the motorcycle, lighting his third cigarette.
“Hey, I thought you left me or something…” Sirius says when he finds him. Remus smiled and hopes Sirius couldn’t see the bitterness of it because Remus is never the one who leaves. Remus is always the one who waits for him. Even now he waits, knowing the odds of Sirius running back to his arms to stay forever are not on his side.
“Do you want to leave now?” Sirius nods, eyes half lidded, Remus chuckles. “Are you drunk now?”
“Mmm, not really…” He answers and Remus smiles, he’s definitely drunk.
“Okay… would you like to stay at my place or are we going back to the treehouse tonight?”
“I’d like to go home to yours tonight… I like waking up to the scent of your room…” Sirius mumbles as he hops on the motorcycle and wraps his arms around him. Remus smiles in delight, he now understands Sirius’ delight in torturing him with the motorcycle all those years ago. The warm feeling in your stomach when the person you love wraps their arms tighter around you… it’s almost worth the risk of dying… almost .
When they arrive, Remus helps Sirius inside the house. His dad is probably asleep by now and he’s a heavy sleeper so they don’t have to worry. Remus helps Sirius undress, he helps him wash his face and brush his teeth, and helps him wear one of Remus’ favorite sweaters.
“Can I keep them?” Sirius asks after the giant sweater sits comfortably on him. It was already big on Remus so it was huge on Sirius, it went down to his thighs.
“You keep them anyway, weather I say yes or no,” Sirius smiled the most adorable smile.
“I love you, Moony…” He says suddenly and Remus felt the sharpest knife piece through his heart.
Yeah… he’s definitely drunk.
Sirius is not a cruel person… Remus, maybe but not Sirius. But this right here… it’s the painful truth between them.
It doesn’t m matter how much they love each other there will always be more important things that matters more.
Sirius needs to reach his goals and his lifelong dreams and Remus would never ask for him to throw those away… but maybe in the future, when Sirius has reached the top, maybe then he’d want to come back home… to Remus.
“I love you too…” He says with a painful smile, “And someday, you might find someone you’ll love more than you do me, but always remember that for me… it’s always going to be you.” Remus knows Sirius, he’s such a lightweight, he won’t even remember this tomorrow but still, he needed to tell him. He can’t go on with his life without ever telling him.
“I don’t think there’s ever going to be someone after you.” Sirius says and there was a pang in his heart so painful, he fights the urge to sob.
Sirius yawns like what he said was nothing of importance, like it didn’t have an impact, like it didn’t carry weight. That was enough to tell Remus that it was time to tuck him in to try and stop Sirius from saying anything more painful. Sirius drifts to sleep and Remus has an arm around him as he cries quietly.
He thinks about how happy they used to be, the thrill of having something clandestine, the knowing looks they share, the small smile when they say goodbye in front of everyone knowing they’ll both end up in Remus’ bed by the end of the night.
Oh, and the oblivious comments their friends would make!
He remembers when Peter had said to him how he and Sirius must have had the same cologne because they smelled the same… not knowing that twenty minutes ago, they were tangled up with each other on the same bed.
They were so obvious before, sometimes Remus thinks all their friends probably know and they're just not saying anything.
Remus checks the time on his side table, 1:38 AM
Sirius leaves in two days…
Remus sighs.
Remus will wake up in three days and pretend that this was all just a fever dream.
When morning came, Remus spent it taking care of a hangover Sirius. They spent the whole day stuck with each other the way he hoped they would always be.
And at night, when Sirius is fast asleep in his arms, he doesn’t cry anymore, instead he’s angry. He’s cursing Sirius in his head.
Why would you do this to me?
You’re making a fool out of me!
You’re making me back into the mess you left me in three years ago!
This isn’t fair!
Why would you ever show me a world where I could be happy with you and then just… leave?
And then you come back like nothing happened, like you never hurt me and then just… make me go through all that again.
But Remus knows Sirius isn’t to blame. Sirius wasn’t the only one who made decisions. Sirius would have never done all this if Remus didn’t let him.
Remus knew what he was getting himself into before, and Remus knows what he’s getting himself into now.
It’s just all worth it
For Sirius Black, everything is worth it.
Remus just can’t help but make the most of it while he still can because when Sirius eventually finds someone… Remus would have to let go.
When Sirius leaves, Remus stays in the same exact place waiting for him to return…
When Sirius moves on, Remus would still wait.
Remus wouldn’t know if Sirius gets married, if he has kids, Remus wouldn’t know that because we would still be stuck waiting.
Remus would wait for the small chance that Sirius might someday still want Remus.
Remus wakes up in the morning to Sirius wrapped around him, hair falling into his face, still perfect. Remus wraps his arms tighter around Sirius for warmth.
Sirius and Regulus will be leaving tomorrow morning so Remus decides he will spend the whole day making memories with Sirius to hold onto when he’s waiting.
He wakes Sirius up, ignoring the annoyed mumbling and he presses a soft kiss on his lips. “Let’s take a swim in the lake?”
“Remus, the sun just rose, you hate swimming this early, it’s cold.” Sirius says, still annoyed at him for waking him up so early in the morning.
“I don’t care… You’ll keep me warm wont you?” Remus winks and that was enough to buy Sirius.
They go down the lake, taking their time. And then they spend all of the morning, arms wrapped around each other, as tight as they could without hurting, as they are dipped in the cold water.
They spend all morning in silence, Remus hopes his tight embrace could tell Sirius how much he will miss him.
When the sun starts to get hot, they go out and dry themselves, and then they leave for breakfast.
They ate in a park, there were children, people out on their morning exercise, dogs on a walk… Remus wonders about a life where they did all that stuff.
Sirius would go on a morning run, Remus would come with him, he’d bring their dog, and maybe their kid.
They’d have sweets for breakfast because they’re all just children trapped in different bodies.
They’d go home and they’d all cuddle on the couch while Sirius, their dog, and their kid would watch a disney movie together, Remus would pretend that he was watching but he’s really stealing glances at his book.
In the afternoon, they made love in the treehouse like they’re seventeen again.
They had dinner with the Potters’ and sometime in the night, Remus escaped to the Potters’ backyard for a smoke.
James followed him a while later and if he was honest, he really hoped it would be Sirius who followed.
They were silent for a while… that was more common for them. James and Remus had always been friends, at one point they ran out of things to say to each other that they both had grown contented with the silence.
“Will you be leaving with them?” Remus asks,
“I am… It was so stupid, coming here separately. I came home and then Sirius arrived the next day to surprise mum and dad and then later that day, Regulus arrived to surprise me. They’re both such huge dorks.”
Remus laughs and offers James a cigarette when he lit his second one. James laughs. He used to always do this just to see what James would do. One time James actually took one and then Remus jokingly threatened to tell Effie.
“Remus…” James finally says after a while.
“James?”
“I know about you and Sirius,” Remus didn’t know he was holding his breath until he realized he’s ran out of air.
“You do?” He finally replies.
James nods, “Marls and Mary used to have an ongoing joke whenever you and Sirius were nowhere to be found. They’d say you guys are probably on a date, probably hooking up, and then we’d all laugh… It was all jokes, you guys would go missing and we know you were probably working, and Sirius was probably out tinkering with Elvendork… and then we left… and then Sirius was itching to visit home.
And then we’re here but he’s barely at home.”
“I’m sorry for keeping it. We knew it was going nowhere so we thought… Why tell? If no one knows then we could just pretend it was all a dream.”
James nodded, “You don’t have to apologize, you know… Your relationship is between the two of you, if you didn’t want anyone to know that that’s between you two as well…”
“Thanks James… Sorry for keeping him away from your family though. I knew he wanted to come home for them.”
“He didn’t come home for them. He’d never admit it but he came home for you.”
“No…” Remus chuckles, “He missed them, and then I occupied all his time–“
“Sirius and Regulus take them on a holiday every year… trust me, he came home for you.”
James is the nicest human being to ever be human… so in the nicest, most respectful way possible… fuck you James Potter.
He means well, Remus knows but… it hurts.
Because no matter how much Sirius misses him, he will always leave.
And he could miss him again and again, but in the end he will always leave.
And Remus will always wait for the day that he won’t leave. For the day when he chooses to stay but he will never ask.
He doesn’t want to ask because of the pain that will inevitably come when Sirius says no… because he will. He’s worked so hard for his career, he’s wanted it ever since Remus had known him.
And if by some miracle Remus asks and Sirius says yes… he can never live with himself knowing he just rip Sirius’ dream away from him.
That night, they went back to Remus’ house. They watched a movie until Sirius fell asleep… And again, Remus wraps his arms tighter around him and he cries.
This time he doesn’t cry from longing and wanting, he doesn’t cry for the ‘what could have beens’, he doesn’t cry out of anger…
He just cries hoping to cry all the tears and leave nothing for tomorrow.
He doesn’t sleep… he couldn’t.
He’s awake when the sun rises… and when Sirius wakes up, he swallows the pain.
“I’m leaving in two hours…” Sirius whispers.
Remus tries, “Can you stay…” But he just can’t “in my arms, I mean… for the next hour? After that, I’ll take you to the Potters’” He feels Sirius nod so he tightens his arms around him and presses a kiss on his hair.
I love you… he wants to say.
But Sirius isn’t drunk and he doesn’t want to make this any harder for the both of them.
Please stay… He can feel those words threatening to leave his lips so he bites his tongue.
The hour passes in a blink, Sirius lets go of Remus and gets up. Remus forces himself to get up too.
He watches Sirius get ready, he watches him as he wash his face, brush his teeth, and change into Remus’ sweater, and then he pretends to look away when he sees Sirius put a few of his other sweaters in his backpack.
“Let’s go?” He says when Sirius just stood there in front of him… like he doesn’t want to leave.
Sirius nods…
Remus sees Sirius’ leather jacket left hanging behind his chair. He contemplates on keeping it the second time… but he can’t.
So he takes it, “You’ll leave this again…” He says.
Sirius turns around and then he gives a small smirk, “That’s the plan,”
Remus frowns, “But you love this…”
“I do so you better keep it safe,” He points an accusing finger at him. Remus smiles.
“I’ve kept it safe for three years, so don’t point that finger at me,” He says and playfully slaps Sirius’ finger. Remus looks at the jacket for a while before he decides to wear it.
“You know, if I knew you’d look great on it, I would have given it to you sooner,” Sirius says and Remus rolls his eyes before putting a helmet on Sirius’ head.
When they got to the Potters’, Regulus and James were already ready. Remus loads up Sirius’ things while the three of them go to Effie and Monty to say their goodbyes.
Once all the kisses and hugs and goodbyes are set, James and Regulus ready themselves in the car, Sirius goes to Remus.
They look at each other for a while…
“Well… this is it,” Sirius says.
“This is it…” He says too, “What will you be doing?”
“Work… maybe I’ll go into acting, I don’t know.” He laughs shyly, and Remus chuckles. Sirius would slap him if he’d say it out loud but Sirius is very cute. “What about you? What will you be doing?”
“I’m going to college… and then maybe I’ll dye my hair bright blue,” He shrugs.
Sirius smiles, “I wish I’d get to see that.” He says,
You could though…
“Me too…”
“Bye Moony…”
“Bye Pads…”
Sirius slowly walks towards the car and Remus watches… but when he reaches for the door handle, Sirius looks back at Remus… and then he runs back towards him, crashing into him, wrapping his arms around Remus, hiding his face on his chest.
“Bye Moony…” He says again, Remus could say anything when he felt wet on his shirt where Sirius’ eyes should be.
Sirius gives him one last squeeze before running towards the car, never looking back. Remus watches as James drives away… he watches until he can't see the car anymore.
Remus doesn’t cry until he gets home and shuts the door of his room.
His room still smells like Sirius, he wishes it would stay like that but just as he wishes Sirius would stay…
They don’t.
Remus just has to stay and wait… even though he doesn’t have the assurance of Sirius’ return, he will wait, and hope that someday Sirius would look back and return to his arms again.