He's Home
Christmas holidays had arrived, and right now as James was about his and the boys’ compartment Marlene motioned for him to come into their compartment sighing and taking a deep breath he left for the compartment.
While he loved his boys being with the girls was oddly comforting, he still hasn’t understood why but their entire presence was usually calming and he thoroughly enjoyed his times spent there though not as much as the marauding he got up to with The Marauders.
That was how it was usually, but right now just as he entered the compartment he knew something was wrong, he could feel it.
He sits down on the bench opposite to Mary and Lily, leading him to be beside Marlene and Dorcas.
Both Dorcas and Lily seem to be agitated, being comforted by their respective girlfriends.
“James, well,, i- ummm, could you hear them out, i know you’re great at giving advice and just listening so would you please just-” James cuts Marlene off, it's hard to see someone so cheerful being so sad.
And so he listens, starting off from Lily.
“James, i- just, i think i’m in the wrong for this but i don’t know really” she was rambling, but James would let her take her time. “So, Mary and I are thinking of getting a flat for us this christmas because, you know dad passed away, and now with Petunia getting married to that entitled prick, and well mom hasn’t been the most supportive of Mary and my relationship.But I feel… i don’t know really, bad i guess for leaving them” she finishes off as tears roll off her cheek and James feels a slight ache in his heart as he watches Mary wipe off Lily’s tears.
It reminds him of the first time Regulus ever did that and how loved he had felt right there.
He mentally slaps himself for thinking of himself while he is supposed to be helping his friend out.
“Lily no, you are not wrong for wanting that for yourself. You deserve to be living in a place where you feel loved, protected and cared for and if you’re not feeling that at your home it’s not really the right place for you. So if you feel like leaving, please do it and tell me if you ever need help in anything and I mean anything.”
“Thankyou James”
“Anytime Lils” he answers with a small smile.
“Okay so this is not necessarily about me, and I really do need an unbiased opinion which I hope and think that you’ll be able to give me.” Dorcas pauses but then continues after receiving a nod from James, indicating that he’s following all that she’s saying.
“Okay so, Regulus-'' James ignores the way his pulse rate speeds up and his ribs suddenly become too tight, it makes perfect sense for Dorcas to be worried about him seeing as they’ve been friends for quite a long time.
“-he’s been acting off since a month, like he would usually leave late at night and come back early morning, or disappear between classes for the past couple of years, we stopped questioning because he refused to answer.”
Of course nobody knew that it was James that Regulus was meeting during these disappearances’ nobody but himself and Regulus of course. “But recently he’s been out everyday, and everytime he comes back he’s extremely happy and I know that it's not the same as his previous secret rendezvous, I don't know, all I know is that I'm really worried.”
James gives her a reply to calm her, that much he knows, but he doesn’t know what he said.
All he can think of right now is that Regulus may be hooking up or dating someone and that shoots daggers into his heart, it feels like someone took a barbed wire and wrapped it around his heart making it tighter and tighter.
At least he’s happy, even if it wasn’t with him.
At that moment James realises that maybe he wasn’t making Regulus happy.
No. He is quite sure he wasn’t.
-
TW: mentions of suicidal and self deprecating thoughts, and brief descriptions of harm
James knows that his mother knows that something is up with him.
It's just a talent of hers, and overtime James has learned to be able to detect when she knows, because once she does she's quite terrible at hiding it.
James picks up on every single sideways look, every cautious look, every lingering touch.
He knows that she wants him to come to her, she's been making his favourite dishes, letting him get away with not making his bed, but it just makes him feel worse .
He wants her to shout at him, yell at him – even though she's never done it before in her life – he wants her to tell him that he's the worst son anyone could ever ask her.
He wants her to tell him that he's unlovable, he wants her to say every single thing that goes around in his head and make it true so he canbe sad.
James, he has everything, a loving family, the best of friends yet he is constantly on the edge, he tears himself apart mentally, he cries himself to sleep, he's a shoulder to all his friends, it's like he creates problems for himself.
But it's just that he can't control as his thoughts spiral into the deep ends, sometimes time or place doesn’t matter, and his thoughts just keep on coming and coming and coming, no matter how hard he tries to stop it, it just doesn’t seem to work.
Whereas sometimes he is just able to completely forget about it.
Forget about his struggle, his thoughts, and just exist , and laugh freely without wondering how he looked, what others thought.
These moments, as hard as they were to come by, always happened when he was surrounded with people he loved to the ends of the MilkyWay galaxy.
So it doesn’t really surprise him when he is sitting with Sirius and their parents, huddled in blankets and holding a big cup of steaming hot chocolate while their Mum tells them an interesting story of how their Dad embarrassed himself asking her out on a date even after they had started going out.
It's nice to be here, with nearly everyone he loves and it's even better seeing Sirius laughing and happy because even though they refuse to accept it James has noticed them being on the edge.
.
In the beginning if the Hols James had made it his mission to distract Sirius from whatever the fuck was going on in their brain.
James would sometimes take him out on the Quidditch pitch and they would play for hours, or just constantly being in their personal space and teasing them, no matter how much James wanted to be huddled in his room and cry or just exist with only his thoughts he still helped Sirius because they have and will always come first.
Slowly, Sirius opened up a bit, when they were both lying down in Sirius’ room and they explained with even more detail about how much they were worried for their brother and what they wouldn’t do just to get him out of there.
That night when James held Sirius’ sobbing body, his mind was flooded with memories of Regulus breaking down and crying in James’ arms over the past two years of all the abuse he had faced and continued to face.
Afterwards he went to his own room, and sobbed, curling into himself and clutching his part of the matching necklaces that both he and Regulus had in his hands tightly.
Everywhere he looked he saw pain, inside himself, surrounding those he loved, everywhere he looked all he saw was pain and James knew that there was nothing in the world that he wouldn’t do to take the pain off of the shoulders of all those he loved, and carry it upon himself even if he breaks.
It wouldn’t matter, not if they were all happy.
Not if Regulus was happy.
Just as that thought had crossed his mind, he had to clutch his heart because it seemed like now even so much as thinking of Regulus physically hurt his heart, nevermind emotionally.
James just wishes that whoever Regulus’ secret rendezvous is now, they were making him happy, happy in all the ways James had failed to do so.
.
James finds himself laughing loudly at his father’s obnoxious attempts of trying to woo and is suddenly struck with a thought;
He wouldn't mind dying right here, he’d die here happily.
Just as the thought crosses his mind, the fireplace roars and in steps – no, falls – a body.
A body James would recognize even if it had been dragged across the world, burnt or dressed up or physically modified by any spells which were to exist on this planet.
He’d recognize this body even if his eyes had been clawed out.
For the body belonged to Regulus.
Regulus had just stepped through the floo.
And he looked as though he had been dragged through hell and back.
-
James screwed his eyes shut, one of Regulus’ hands was secured in both of his.
It pained James so much to see Regulus laying there barely any colour present on his already pale face, not only was Regulus hurting but across the room Sirius lay in an armchair, sleeping, it had taken great effort to get him to even leave Regulus’ side.
James couldn’t even imagine the pain that Regulus must have gone through, all he wanted to do was wrap his arms tightly around Regulus to try and protect him from the world but he knew that his touch would be unwelcome, so he sat beside him one of his hands enveloped in James’ and James knew he would cherish this little contact he got until Regulus woke up and decided he hated James again.
James had never believed anyone when they said that the truth could hurt, but now when he sits here, having not slept for even a second the past couple of days any moment not spent by Regulus was spent thinking and stressing about him, so when his mind reminds him that the boy he loves hates him, the same boy whose near lifeless body James saw a couple of days ago it feels like someone dug their nails into his heart and ripped it apart.
A slight movement between his hands caught his attention as he was immediately struck out of his haze.
Regulus stirred lightly – not for the first time but it did not stop hope from blooming in himself, we had nothing Potter, just your dumb hope, James shakes the words out of his head as Regulus opens his eyes.
Even as Regulus lays there, looking as though he was ready to meet death with open arms James still finds his eyes to be the most captivating things on this planet.
“James?” asks Regulus in a hoarse whisper.
James’ heart nearly leaped out of his chest.
“Regulus, are you okay, do you need anythi–” James was cut off by Regulus snatching his hand out of James’, he expected that so why did it hurt so much then?
“Go away. Get Sirius.” snarled Regulus and James felt his chest constrict.
“He’s asleep, Regu–” James began, only to be cut off by Regulus’ words this time.
“I don’t care, Potter, get anyone just leave me alone”
“Regulus please–”
“Which language do you fucking understand? I. Do. Not. Want. To. See. You.”
Swallowing harshly, James nodded and made his way to Sirius.
“Sirius?” said James, slightly shaking them.
“Hm?” they hummed in return.
“Regulus is up” James had barely finished the sentence before Sirius shot up and moved beside Regulus. James looked at them once and found warmth flooding his chest seeing the two brothers interact, though the warmth was something, it could do nothing to stop the pain in his chest.
James made his way out of the room and slid down the wall as sobs started to force their way out of his body, he hadn’t had such a breakdown in ages but he figured that it was bound to happen sooner or later.
Everything had been building up for so long.
James should be happy he should be over the moon because the boy he loves finally got out of that hellhole that he detested, his best friend was reunited with his brother, Regulus has a better home.
And James is , he is happy for all that but still everything hurts and he just wants a hug right now, all he wants is for someone to hold him and tell him that everything will be fine and that he did nothing wrong and that James is enough and just– just reassure him.
But that never happens does it?
James is always the one offering all the comfort and never the one to be receiving it, he wonders how it feels to be hugged properly not just an one armed hug, but a proper one, one that makes you never want to let go one that makes you think that the world could fall apart but all is fine so long as you have this person holding you.
This person for James was Regulus.
James wonders if he will ever get to hug Regulus again.
He is riddled out of his thoughts as a hand lays on his shoulder and a soft voice speaks, “James?”