Chapter 23
The next Wednesday, James did not come to their French lesson. Regulus waited in the empty classroom for nearly an hour, watching the sun slowly sink lower and lower and wondering where on earth the Gryffindor boy could be. Finally, after several ghosts had asked him with judgemental looks why he was sitting alone for so long, Regulus got up and slowly trod back to the Slytherin common rooms. He was in a rather bad mood when he whispered the password to the bare stretch of stone wall that slid back to reveal the crowded common room, and slunk upstairs immediately to brood in his room. He wondered if James had merely forgotten, but that seemed just as worse as intentionally standing him up.
He could have at least sent a letter, Regulus thought bitterly. He could have saved him a great deal of wasted time. Unless he had forgotten Regulus altogether…
He shook his head. It didn't matter now, did it. Regulus took out a piece of homework and stared at it for a few minutes without comprehending. Maybe James was sick…
He leapt up and began pacing back and forth in his empty dorm, trying fruitlessly to stop thinking about why James had missed their meeting. Countless reasons passed through his mind, none of which seemed right. His nerves were so frayed that by the time Evan burst in the room, Regulus nearly bit his head off.
“Oi mate, sorry.” Evan said defensively after Regulus snapped at him for closing the door too hard. “What's gotten into your pants?”
“Nothing.” said Regulus waspishly. Evan shrugged.
“I'm supposed to pass a message on to you, Slughorn said you’re wanted in the hospital wing.”
“What for?” Regulus asked, pausing his pacing to face his friend.
“I dunno, probably some pre-Quidditch match check up or that rubbish.”
Which would be miserable, Regulus expected. Someone poking at him with their wand for half an hour seemed about as pleasant as swimming naked with the giant squid in december.
“Alright.” Regulus sighed. “Better get it over with”
“Have fun,” Evan said mockingly as Regulus slipped out the door. He rolled his eyes, but didn't say anything back.
Regulus walked quickly through the hallways, littered every so often with students talking in clusters. He passed portraits, who’s eyes seemed to follow him as he passed, and suits of armor that for once looked eerily alive. A group of Gryffindors fell silent as he walked by them, staring silently and making Regulus’s skin crawl. He walked quicker.
Regulus was rounding the corner of the staircase leading to the hospital room when he crashed into Remus Lupin. The other boy leapt back, looking disheveled and strikingly similar to a frightened deer. Regulus noted the soot streaking his blond hair, and the unmistakable smell of boiled newt-blood radiating off of his robes. It was a smell Regulus had inhaled far too many times in his potions classrooms, brewing various draughts and elixirs. Behind Remus a classroom door was ajar, and Regulus caught a glimpse of a partially full cauldron before Remus shifted in front of him, blocking his view.
“Regulus, hi.” Remus stuttered, trying obviously to look casual. “I was just--practicing some--uh--what’re you doing?”
“Uh-” Regulus said, not knowing what to respond. He raised his tiptoes slightly, hoping to see whatever Remus had been brewing in that classroom, but the blond boy was nearly half a foot taller than him. “I'm just headed to the hospital wing, someone told me I was wanted there.”
“Oh,” Remus said, looking surprised. “So am I. Amos just told me…”
Regulus’s heart felt like it was sinking into his stomach, although he wasn't quite sure why.
“Cool” he said. “That's funny.”
“Yeah…” said Remus, but he looked as uneasy as Regulus felt.
“Ok, well” Regulus took a step up the staircase. “I'm gonna go”
“I'll walk with you,” Remus said, whispering some kind of incantation towards the classroom. The door swung shut and locked with a click. “Shall we go?”
The two boys walked to the hospital wing in silence. Regulus’s nerves grew worse with every step, his stomach writhing and twisting into knots. He snuck glances at Remus, who looked pale but composed, although his eyes darted nervously around the hallway as they approached. The door to the hospital wing was spotlessly white, and oddly intimidating as Remus and Regulus paused before it.
It's nothing. Regulus told himself. Just a Quidditch check up, you'll be out of here soon.
Yet he couldn't shake the feeling that something terrible was waiting for him on the other side of that door. Remus’s hand was shaking as he twisted the handle, and Regulus wondered if he felt the same sense of wrongness that Regulus had all day.
The hospital wing was silent and almost completely empty; the beds neatly made up. Regulus and Remus walked through the rows of open beds to the far end of the wing, where the only inhabitant seemed to be located. Madam Pomfrey was hovering over the bed, whispering furiously something Regulus couldn't understand. Regulus glanced at Remus, who was staring at the bed with a look of dread on his face.
“No” Remus whispered. Regulus wanted to ask him what was wrong, but another figure had just caught his attention. A skinny teenage boy with an unmistakable head of messy black hair was standing at the foot of the bed, next to Madame Pomfrey. His head was bowed, eyes fixed on whoever was behind the curtains, yet Regulus knew it was doubtlessly James Potter. He must have been here during their meeting, but that didn't explain why he was still here, and why Regulus had been summoned here too.
Ice crept up Regulus’s spine, a tingling fear gripping his heart painfully. The only person that he, James, and Remus all knew was…
“Sirius.” The cry escaped Remus’s lips. Giving up all pretenses of calmness, the tall boy rushed to the bedside, ripping aside the curtains. Remus fell to his knees when he saw the figure lying motionless on the bed, gripping James wildly as if clinging onto life. Regulus hurried after him, each step too loud and too slow.
Please, please, please.
James looked up as he approached, but for once Regulus didn't notice him. All he could see was his brother lying still in the hospital bed, skin deathly pale and hair was splayed out around him in a dark halo. Sirius looked more angelic than ever, high cheekbones devoid of color and eyes peacefully shut. He was dressed in white hospital robes that nearly matched his skin, giving him the appearance of some sort of otherworldly creature. Regulus watched, heart racing, but didn't see a single breath escape Sirius's purple lips.
“No,” he said, not hearing the sound of his own voice. “No, no, no.”
“Regulus,” James said gently, but he might as well have been miles away.
“What's wrong with him?” Regulus cried, whipping around to face Madam Pomfrey. Her face was stony and set.
“I'm not sure.” she said. “He’s still alive…”
But the way she sounded made Regulus think he wouldn't be for much longer.
“No, Sirius, no.” he said again, clutching his brother's hand in his. Sirius’s skin was cold to touch, his pulse the faintest of flutters. James made a choking sound behind him, and Regulus for the first time noticed the redness of his hazel eyes. He looked like he had been standing there for a long time. Regulus squeezed his eyes shut, feeling tears pushing at his head. He wasn't going to cry, he thought wildly. Because he wasn't going to lose Sirius.
“When?” Regulus asked nobody in particular.
“Around noon.” James responded, his voice raspy and thick with tears. “I was with him, we were eating lunch and he just…collapsed.”
Regulus felt as if the world was spinning out of control, the room whirling around him too fast to comprehend. His brother’s limp hand was the only anchor he had, and he clung to it desperately. Ice spread over his hands, over his eyes, and he welcomed it gratefully. The pain pounding at his head was too much for him to handle, the numbness brought sweet relief. Yet the pain clawed at him still, he could feel it like a second heartbeat. The sight of Sirius motionless slamming into him relentlessly, even becoming ice was helpless to the screaming building inside of him.
“Why did no one get me?” he said slowly, his voice oddly high pitched and cold. James shifted slightly, glancing at Madame Pomfrey. The young woman placed a hand on Regulus’s shoulder.
“It was so sudden, I had to work every minute just to keep him alive. I'm sorry, Regulus, nobody thought of it until now.”
“It's five.” Regulus said quietly. “It's five o’clock. My brother has been lying here for five hours and nobody thought to get me?”
“It's not like--”
“What if he had died?” Regulus shouted. He couldn't see Madam Pomfrey anymore, or James. Tears poured from his eyes despite how hard he tried, blurring his vision. All he could see was Sirius, cold. Sirius, gone. “What if he had died and I hadn't been there?”
Beside him, James let out a sob, sliding down to his knees and lowering his head to the bed, but Regulus found he didn't care.
“He’s my brother.” Regulus yelled. “He’s mine and he said he would never leave me. He’s not supposed to leave me.”
“I know, darling.” Madam Pomfrey said kindly. “And he hasn't. I don't know what's wrong with him, but I have people working as hard as they can to find out…”
“You heal him.” Regulus said stiffly. He could hear his mother’s commanding tone in his voice, but he didn't try to stop it. “Heal him or else. If my brother dies I will KILL YOU!”
Madam Pomfrey let out a shocked gasp. “Regulus,” she said gently. “I know…”
“No. I don't care.” Regulus snapped. “If my brother dies I swear on the House of Black that you will pay. HEAL HIM.”
A hand settled on his arm, familiarly shaped and warm. Regulus turned blindly towards it, feeling sobs climbing to his lips. “I will, I swear. My mother will, my father will, the whole goddamned family will. Sirius isn't going to die.”
“He's not.” James said soothingly. “Take a deep breath.”
Through his panicked haze, Regulus felt a fleeting prick of admiration for the steadiness in James’s voice. James looked exhausted, and close to falling apart, yet he held Regulus firmly. Regulus breathed in shakily, leaning slightly into the comfort of James’s warm figure. The other boy didn't flinch away, but let Regulus rest against his chest.
“It's not fair,” Regulus mumbled, his tears soaking James’s shirt. “It's not fair if they take Sirius too.”
“I know.” James said quietly. Regulus felt hot tears slipping from James’s cheeks into his hair. “It's not fair.”
“I'll leave you three.” Madam Pomfrey said in a hushed voice. “There's nothing I can do anymore. He’ll survive the night, I'm sure, and tomorrow we’ll keep working.”
Regulus didn't move. It was as if Madam Pomfrey was on a different planet, her words far away and incomprehensible.
“You boys can sleep on any of these beds, if you choose to.” she said, before closing the curtains around them and slipping out. Regulus thought James may have answered her, but he wasn't sure. The hospital wing was drenched in a bluish light from the newly set sun, which only served to make Sirius look more ghostly. Remus hadn't moved since they had gotten there, and was still bowed next to Sirius, tears silently streaming down his expressionless face. Regulus thought faintly that James should go comfort his friend, but the older boy didn't move from where he was kneeling. Regulus didn't either, his head still buried in James’s chest as if he could block out the reality around him. The steady beat of James’s heart formed a rhythm in his head, and to Regulus’s tired mind it sounded exactly like the sound he and Sirius used to sing as children.
Where does the moon go
When the sun comes out
In the morning?
Where do the stars hide
When the sun comes out
In the morning?
Sirius had grinned at him, his smile lighting up the dim room in Grimmauld place, and Regulus remembered feeling as if everything was okay.
“Please don't go, Sirius.” Regulus whispered into James’s shirt, wondering if his brother could hear him. “I need you, so much.”
He didn't know if he had uttered the words aloud, but James wrapped a single arm around him, pulling him closer to the warmth of his chest.
“It's gonna be okay, Reg.” James said quietly. Regulus didn't respond.
“It's gonna be okay.” James said again, his voice cracking. “It's gonna be okay.”
Regulus wanted so badly to believe him.