Keeping a secret
When Sirius woke up the next day it was still very early, he had slept on top of Remus' chest. So he just stood there, listening to his boyfriend's breathing as if it were a mantra. He didn't want to get up and think about everything that could go wrong. There in her boyfriend's arms, everything was fine, he was safe.
He had been in love with Remus since he was 15 or maybe before, but they were slow to admit their feelings because they were best friends and they didn't want to ruin the friendship. Also, while Remus was already publicly out there and had family support, Sirius, at the time, was still repressing the pull of liking other boys. "It's just a phase, that's all it has to be."
But he kept hooking up with other guys and more guys, there were girls and more guys. Until the news reached the Black family, and hell broke out for him. First it was the beating and punishment, locked inside his room with one meal a day for weeks; then he went to “Recovery Center” where he was treated as if he had a mental illness, in short.
James was the boat in the middle of the wreck that was his life at that time while Remus, his Moony, was the refreshing breeze that made him feel free. When he finally left the house, his friends were there for him. Sirius couldn't say what would have happened if they hadn't been there. What would his life be like if he went to a different school? What would it be like if he had been selected to stay in the same dorms as his brother? Would he be just like his parents? Would he be friends with Reggie? Would he be happy?
“If I concentrate a little longer I think I would be able to hear your thoughts” Remus woke up and felt Sirius running his fingers over his chest until he could feel his boyfriend's ragged breathing "Are you okay?"
Sirius lifted his head to kiss his boyfriend and then snuggled closer to his chest "Good morning, I'm fine, don't worry"
"Are you sure? You came in crying last night, the last time this happened you…" as he spoke, Remus was patting Sirius on the head.
"It's okay" Sirius never lied to Remus, James or Peter. “I saw Regulus yesterday, he came back”
“Oh. Ok. Um, is he okay?”
“No, but he will get better” It wasn’t exactly a lie “I’ll need to stay with him for a few days I think, and he doesn’t want the rest of the boys know”
“The rest of the boys, you mean James?” That was another thing that worried Sirius, if there was anyone who knew him better than Remus, it was James. The difference was that while Remus accepted his answers, James objected.
"Uhm"
"Stay with him for how many days?"
"I still don't know"
___________________________
Despite all the questions in his head, he still managed to get to work, find James and try to go about his day normally.
“So…. hum, what did Crouch want?” Sirius could see that James was bewildered by his behavior. Since arriving at the police station, he had sat in his chair and picked up the latest case without talking to his friends much, as he usually does.
"He got into trouble and needed help." Again, it wasn't exactly a lie, Crouch was in trouble and so was Sirius. "Do your parents already know you set the date?" he asked, changing the subject.
Now that he knew why, he understood Crouch's behavior in his apartment. Regulus loved James, one of his great loves as far as he knew, and now while Regulus would fight for his life James would be living his dream marrying with Evans
"We had lunch together yesterday, my mom and Lily have already started planning" Sirius could tell James was excited about the whole thing, one more reason for him not to tell his friend about his brother. How would he live the next few days with Regulus' fight and James' constant happiness?
“Well, just let me know when I have to start preparing your bachelor party”
“We could go to Vegas” Frank appeared on the other side of the table handing James a paper. "It's like a rite of passage" he said, looking between James and Sirius.
“Why Vegas when we have Ibiza?” Sirius raised his eyebrows excitedly, suggesting.
"That's up to you, just don't get me in trouble with Lily" asked James, notoriously excited at the idea
"That way you offend me Prongs, I would never get you in trouble with the future Mrs. Potter” Sirius was smiling at Frank. James narrowed his eyes in disbelief as he looked smirking at Sirius
"Ok guys, we have a raid to make in Knockturn Alley get ready, we're out in 10 minutes" That was Sergeant Longbottom's serious side.
“Again, when are those guys going to give up selling drugs there?” It was already the third beat they'd done in two months there. “We could have lunch at Luigi's afterwards, what do you think?” asked James.
"I already have plans, sorry Prongs"
"Oh ok" James and Sirius had lunch pretty much every day together so once again he was staring at his friend acting weird all morning "Are you sure you're ok?"
_____________________
When Sirius arrived at the cafeteria Peter was already sitting there "You haven't been waiting too long, have you?" he said sitting down in front of his friend
"I just arrived actually and don't worry, I already ordered" Peter replied smiling "So what's the problem?"
"Can't I just want to have lunch with my childhood friend? ” feigning offense "Spending a few hours in your lovely company, just the two of us without Prongs or Moony? That way you offend me Wormtail"
Peter chuckled at his friend's fake indignation "Of course you prefer my company for lunch over your boyfriend or your coworker, of course it makes perfect sense, sorry" at this point his orders came in.
"Wow Wormtail, you really know me" After a few bites of his sandwich Sirius was still unsure how to start the topic he wanted without raising suspicion “So, how's work going?”
“James texted me earlier, saying you looked weird but I didn't think it was so bad” Peter replied staring at his friend “You never asked me about my work, although I've saved your life several times”
“Oh, it wasn't that often, don't overdo it and Prongs is a gossip"
"A graze shot, a dislocated shoulder, and there was that time when you came to the emergency room all bruised after a fight at a concert" Sirius rolled his eyes being forced to agree with his friend "But it's ok, I just got off a 38-hour shift, so I'd be happy if you'd go straight and tell me what you want" finished Peter taking a bite of his sandwich
"And they still say you're the most sensitive of the four of us” said Sirius wiping his mouth after finishing his meal “hum… what do you know about metastatic melanoma?” he asked quietly.
Peter looked at him seriously. "It is a type of skin cancer that usually starts with a spot or spot that changes color, shape or size. In the early stages, it affects only the most superficial layer of the skin, but it can progress and reach other organs."
"Okay, what if I didn't have it in the early stage, but in um... stage four?"
"These are the most difficult to cure as they metastasize to other areas of the body. In some cases, metastases to other organs can be removed depending on the amount, location, and likelihood of causing symptoms, in which case they cannot be removed, but can be treated with radiation therapy, immunotherapy, targeted therapy, or chemotherapy.”
Sirius stared at his friend for a few more minutes, not sure how to continue the conversation and Peter looked at him suspiciously.
"Hypothetically speaking, there is this case of stage four metastatic melanoma that reached the lung, um….how can I be sure of that, I mean? has obvious tests, but the doctors say a transplant is needed”
“Sirius, is everything okay?” Peter asked even more worriedly.
"No, it's ok, don't worry, it's just a hypothetical case" Sirius replied dismissively trying to hide it "So?"
“You know you can tell me if something's wrong right?”
“Again, it's a hypothetical case.”
Taking a deep breath Peter continued, “Well, so in this case, surgery is the most commonly used treatment for all types of melanoma and in all its stages, even with the removal of all tumors, some patients may need chemotherapy and radiotherapy. As for lung transplantation, that depends on how compromised it is.”
“Is the plan a few rounds of chemo to reduce the size of the tumors, if you're saying it's usually surgery and then chemo because the doctors are doing it the other way around?”
“As I said, it depends on the size and location where these tumors are, chemotherapy helps to reduce the tumors, making the surgery possible”
“Okay, so far I understand, but it is the transplant that worries me, I mean, there are no lungs around to give and sell. How will that be?” Sirius didn't know much about cancer, of the three people he knew two died, that alone scared him, so knowing that Regulus had this disease was almost like a sentence and he didn't want to admit it. "You said they are the hardest ones to be cured, 5% right? But what is it exactly, the cancer completely disappears afterwards?”
"Alright Sirius, tell me exactly what's going on... and don't tell me it's a hypothetical case" Peter asked anxiously, cutting off Sirius' excuse. “James told me you've been weird all day, and now you've come to this. What's going on?"
"I can't…I can't" taking a deep breath Sirius knew he was going to betray his brother now, but he needed to talk to someone "You can't tell anyone Peter, absolutely anyone, this is one of those doctor-patient secrecy cases. You promise?" Sirius could see all the air leaving his friend's chest.
Peter recognized the desperation in Sirius' voice, the desperation he always saw in his patients when he received a hopeless diagnosis. "I don't... Sirius, I think if it's you, Moony has to..."
“It's Regulus. He's the one who's sick" Sirius could see Peter breathe a sigh of relief before turning back to look at him with a worried look
"Is that why Barty showed up at your apartment the other day?" Peter put his elbows on the table and leaned his hands on his head aslowered, taking a deep breath. "How... How is he?"
“Incredibly calm, first session is tomorrow" It was nice to be able to talk that with someone "He has a chance doesn't he?"
Peter was still processing the information. Unlike his friend, he had never lost anyone close to the disease. Although as a doctor he had diagnosed some patients "I really don't know Sirius, I'm sorry, it depends on each case. What hospital is he doing the treatment for?"
“It's Saint Mary, what do you mean you don't know Peter? If he makes the treatment go through all this, he'll be fine in the end, right?"
"As a doctor, he has great chances if he follows the treatment, Saint Mary is a great referral hospital in the area, they will do everything to save the life of Regulus”
“And as a friend?”
"It's an insidious disease, I.. I hope he gets well, I really do"
"He asked me not to tell anyone, I really didn't want to do that, but I needed another opinion from a doctor. Wormtail, he's my brother and I don't know what to do"
"I won't tell anyone" Peter held Sirius' hand across the table in support "I swear. And you can count on me for whatever you need" Sirius had no doubt about that, and he also knew that if James and Remus knew, they would also do anything to help.
"Thanks. Regulus will kill me if he finds out I told anyone, but I had to"
"What are you going to tell the Prongs and Moony? ”
"As well?"
"You know this since when? Yesterday? And today you were already all weird because that's not the kind of thing you can get over on your own Sirius. And there will be difficult, very difficult days and they will realize that something is wrong.”
“I still don't know. I really do not know. Monday I thought my only concern for the next few months would be preparing Prongs' bachelor party, now I have to make sure my brother stays alive.” Sirius knew Peter was right. He had received the news from his brother in less than 24 hours, and he was already exhausted. How can Regulus be so fine with this?
"You said the first session is tomorrow, will you be there?"
"Yes, of course I am. I won't leave him, not now and never again, whether he wants to or not" And it was the truth, Sirius had already left his brother alone longer than he wanted to, now he wouldn't take his eyes off him. "
“Where is he staying? Does he have anyone with him?"
"He has a house in Hampstead, his friends are with him. Why?
"Like I said, he's going to have hard days and he better not be alone, like, ever."
"That's why he called his friends. The doctors said he had to be followed up. Can you believe he wasn't going to call me, was it Crouch who went after me?"
"That's something you have to avoid" Peter said pointing to Sirius' face "He's going to be vulnerable after the chemo, he can't have stress and knowing you two I know it's almost impossible not to fight"
"And what do you want me to do? It's not my fault he's an idiot" Peter looked at him accusingly "I'll take it easy, okay?"
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That day, when Regulus woke up, he didn't want to get out of bed. He lay there, the window blinds were open, he could see that it was a beautiful day outside and he could also hear his friends downstairs, probably making coffee.
Since getting the diagnosis, he's been wondering what he's done wrong. All his life he had to fight for something. Why did he have to grow up in an abusive environment? Why didn't his parents love him? Why did your brother replace him with another one? Why didn't he know how to love properly? Why couldn't he be loved? Unconditionally loved? Why could he never be enough?
No, he wasn't calm as his friends believed, he was scared. The research he did was very detailed, the side effects are horrible. He's not ready. Who is ready to kill every cell in your body? And God, 5%? That's nothing. So why is he still doing all this? Why will he try? But he knows the answer
It’s by Sirius
By Barty, Pandora, Evan, Dorcas.
By James.
Because they deserve Regulus at least try.
He's still in bed petting Icarus, when his friends open the bedroom door bringing breakfast. Last night after Sirius left he got into a fight with Barty and Evan for telling his brother about the illness. But he was also relieved. He would never be ready to ask Sirius for help.
"We've brought breakfast for your majesty." Dorcas bowed before sitting down beside him.
"Barty even gave up his strawberry jam to give you, he doesn't even do that for me, so thank him" They all huddled on the bed.
"It's my way of apologizing, doesn't spoil this Evan"
"I thought the coffee was for me, why are you all eating it?" Contrary to what Barty said, he still took the jam just for himself, not letting Regulus pass the toast. “Hey”
“So how are we today?” asked Pandora who was analyzing his friend all the time
“It would be better if you stopped doing that there” Regulus waved a hand to Pandora's face “This there, that look”
“You never stayed in bed late” Regulus, Barty and Evan shared a room for seven years in high school. So Evan knew that when his friend is not well he usually hides inside the room.
"I'm tired" Regulus saw his friends exchange worried glances "It's nothing serious, you don't have to worry not yet at least, tomorrow maybe"
"Who do you want to go with you tomorrow, by the way?" Asked Dorcas “We're going to reverse it, so each one goes to a different session, so you don't get sick of just one” the rest of the group nodded in agreement.
"And you don't get traumatized" he accused his friends "Sirius is supposed to go with me tomorrow, so you're free"
"Are you sure? I can take you to the hospital and pick you up, no problem"
"It's not that horrible, I watched some videos, it's a little intrusive but not traumatic" Pandora commented interrupting Barty.
"I found it painful actually, it seems to be agonizing. Did you see the size of those needles?" Evan continued, having done his research. Regulus couldn't believe his friends.
“I didn't want to be in your place Reggie" Barty grimaced in pain.
“I really don't know if I'm offended or happy about it" Regulus shook his head in confusion "and Barty I'm glad you're not terminally ill, friend"
"At the end of this I have no doubt that Dora is an expert at this, you know how she is” Dorcas said as she ate the grapes from the tray
“It's good to be prepared and know what to expect” Evan agreed with Pandora
“Can we change the subject? Tomorrow we can talk about it.” Regulus still didn't want to deal with it.
"What do you want to do today?" Asked Dorcas “Can we go to that wine sample I told you about”
“Unfortunately I can't drink anything alcoholic either before or after”
“We can go to the museum, Frida Kahlo paintings is being exhibited” suggested Pandora
“Ahh museum no” barty was down by the idea “Open a kart track, a few streets from here, I bet you never went”
“And why would I go on a kart track?!” Regulus took offense at such a suggestion
“Why have you never done that and you could die at any moment!”
“BARTY!!” Everyone looked at him in disbelief
“What?”
“Reg.. I...”
“You know what, Barty is right” was when Regulus dropped in. “People do that when they are going to die, right? like, a wish list, things they never did”
“But you're not going to die” Pandora said immediately
“We could make a list like that”
“Okay, Barty shut up!” Sometimes Evan couldn't understand her husband
"No, he's right. Barty, let's go to the kart track, and then we'll go to the London Eye" Regulus was never on the famous ferris wheel, it was too "normal" for Black's taste, and it didn't help that he was afraid of heights either
"I can't believe you've never been on the London Eye" Dorcas looked at him in disbelief as he shook his head no "I failed as your friend, I'm so sorry"
"I thought you were afraid of heights" Pandora said while setting the coffee tray
"I'm going to call Rick" Barty took the cell phone getting up from the bed at the same time as Pandora.
"Why are you going to call him?" Evan looked at Barty confused
"You can smoke one right? I mean, I read once that weed is medical.”
“We’re not giving Reggie weed, Barty!” but once Evan looked at his husband in disbelief "What's your problem?!"
“You know, it's been an experience to go up there high” Dorcas and Barty exchanged excited looks. While Regulus and Evan still couldn't believe what was happening.
____________________
Regulus, Pandora and Evan looked at the karts on the track in disbelief that they were really going to do this, while Dorcas and Barty were already getting into their karts.
"So are we really doing this?" Asked Pandora fearfully.
"There's still time to give up" although they were already ready with overalls and helmets.
Regulus took a deep breath and decidedly adjusted his helmet and headed towards the kart. “Let's go”
Regulus doesn't know how many laps they did at the end. Pandora went off the track in a few laps, and crashed straight into the walls. Barty and Dorcas took the primary races way too seriously. Evan kept hitting Regulus' kart straight. And for sure it was Regulus who left the track the most times hitting the tires. He didn't know that these cars picked up speed very fast and the steering wheel was very sensitive.
“We will definitely do this again” Barty said to Evan as he pulled him in for a kiss “Did you like it?” he asked still with his arms around his husband's neck "Tell me you liked it"
Evan is smiling as he looks at her husband's happiness "It was fun" Barty celebrated kissing him once more.
"I think I throw up" Pandora said in the back heading towards the bathroom
“Oh no, no getting sick!” said Dorcas going to help her friend
Evan saw Regulus smiling as he looked at the race track. "I think someone likes your idea" he whispered in Barty's ear while pointing to his friend
"I want to make him happy" Barty whispered back "I don't want him to get all melancholy. We can do that, right?" Evan agreed.
Evan wasn't always in love with Barty, maybe a little crush at fourteen, before he and Regulus dated. They didn't get together until twenty after a halloween party. Before that, he saw Regulus and Barty being in love with each other. He used to think the two of them were lucky.
Barty and Regulus had been friends since they were eleven. At first Regulus didn't like the way Barty annoyed him, his pranks or how he always knew how to respond to Regulus' rudeness. One day, they teamed up to badmouth Lucius, Pandora's older brother, so they became friends. No one could beat the two of them in an argument when they got together.
They were so maddeningly in love that it was hard for Evan to put up with them in the dorm at the time of dating. Barty was always flirting and Regulus always fought with him because he was ashamed. They were like cats and dogs.
But Barty was always there when Regulus needed help. When he had nightmares at night and woke up screaming, Barty would stay cuddled with him until Regulus managed to go back to sleep. When he had an anxiety attack Barty was the only one who could calm him down. And Evan had never seen Barty as enraged as the day Reg returned from his parents' house with belt marks on the shore. They weren't just boyfriends, but best friends as well.
"Will you stop looking at me like that?" Regulus looked at them frowning,
"Can't we enjoy the view?" At this point Evan was so used to the two of them flirting that he didn't even care. Regulus rolled his eyes
"Can we go?" Dorcas returned with Pandora, already out of her overalls.
"Oh, you're not ready yet. Looks like you're going to have to go talk to the reception girl again, dear.” Pandora looked at her friend smiling suggestively.
“Dorcas always winning hearts” joked Barty
_____________
“Are you going to tell me what's going on?” James looked at his friend worriedly "You've been weird all day"
"Family problems" It was almost the end of the day, they were getting their things ready to leave
"Is it Reggie? That's why Crouch came after you the other day right? What happened?" now James asked a little scared
"I told you, he and Barty got in trouble and needed help"
"So he came back, did you see him?"
Sirius looked at his friend suspicious of his behavior. "No, he's still traveling"
"Oh okay"
He and James didn't usually talk too much about Regulus. James never asked and Sirius didn't really get into it. Even when Regulus called and James was by his side, he didn't show much interest. Since getting engaged to Lily, he hadn't even mentioned Regulus's name, as if he didn't exist.
"Twice this week you mention my brother's name as if you still care about him, even after all these years you refuse to say his name"
"Of course I care about him, he's your brother and important to you, and you're important to me" Sirius continued to stare "Look, I know my relationship with him didn't work out but he's still your brother"
"That's a shitty excuse, you know that right?"
“Sirius, I'm with Lily now, I love her, I'm going to marry her. What I had with Reggie ended a long time ago, you saw it, it was there"
"Actually I didn't see anything, you guys never told me what happened, neither of you"
"..." James looked at the table trying to get away
“He'll be back soon, so you better prepare"
"oh"
Their relationship was something that irritated Sirius. He was against it from the start because he knew that when he was done this would happen. Now he gets upset with James whenever he remembers the way he left his brother. And gets upset with Regulus for running away. The worst thing is that neither of them tell what happened when clearly they both got hurt.
"Hey Longbottom, can I talk to you?" Sirius called out to Frank as he walked past his desk.
"What is it?"
"Can you release me tomorrow?" Sirius tried to speak quietly but saw that James was listening
"You already asked for release yesterday, Pads" Sirius wasn't the type to miss work, or ask for release or vacation. "Are you sure you're okay?" Frank and James were looking at him for an answer.
"I have some family problems, I'm going to need to take a few days off but I won't know until tomorrow, okay?"
"Is Remus okay?" Asked Frank
"Yes, yes, um… will you release me?"
"You look weird Padfoot!" James shook his head not recognizing his friend
"Fine, but you'll have to make it up on Friday" agreed Frank
"You're the guy, Longbottom" trying to outwit his friend, he turned to James and made the invitation "And you want to come to dinner with me and Moony today?”
“I can’t, Lily wants me to go with her to a wine show, and since you're not coming tomorrow we can meet on Friday, what do you think? You tell me what all this family stuff is about"
As Sirius was leaving the police station building next to James, his phone rang indicating it was Regulus
"What's up? Is everything alright?" He frowned, not understanding his brother's call, beside him James also stopped to see what it was.
"Sirius…. Sirius here is so beautiful and he's very tall, people look so small down there, it's just a few dots" He recognized that Regulus' voice was strange, as if he had, what? laughing “What about the sunset? Are you watching the sunset? Why didn't they ever let us come here before, Sirius? Why did you never bring me?” his voice was sad now
"Are you drunk? Where are you?" James was looking at Sirius uncomprehendingly, asking who was on the phone.
"I'm not drunk, idiot" In the background Sirius could hear some chuckling "I'm on the London Eye, I called because hum...I think I wish you were here"
Sirius chuckled, surely Regulus was high to say such a thing. “I would also like to be there with you little brother” Out of the corner of his eye he saw James stiffening beside him “but you shouldn't be drinking at this hour, don't you have a pre-indication for you not to do that?”
“You are so annoying” and then Regulus ended the call.
Sirius, still amused by the situation, stared at James waiting for a reaction. "That was weird" James agreed
"So a drunk phone call?" he said laughing
"Probably"
When he got home some time later he found Remus at the dinner table with several essays to correct. He approached Remus making him believe it would be a brief kiss but he sat completely on his boyfriend's lap, deepening the kiss.
Remus gave in to the kiss, pulling Sirius even further into his lap, running one hand around his waist while the other tugged at his neck."Hmm…good night” he said as Sirius pulled away and started kissing her jaw moving towards his neck “humm… did you… had a good day?”
"Awful actually" Sirius pulled away looking Remus in the eye as he caressed his face "I want you to love me" he kissed him slowly this time
"I would love to do… but I need to correct this today, I have to deliver it tomorrow." But Remus still don't stop Sirius' advances
“Urgh no”
“Urgh yes… let's go Padfoot” said Remus patting Sirius' waist and ending the kiss
“Are you really going to leave me like this?” He moved onto Remus' lap. "Come on. I want you" And that was all Sirius needed to say to make his boyfriend give in.
He'd made few right choices in life, one of which was Remus. It was allowing herself to love him and being sure to love him deeply every day for all the years.
______________________
The first session was scheduled for ten o'clock in the morning, Regulus had been awake since five o'clock. No, he hadn't gotten high last night, not completely at least, so he still remembered calling Sirius and saying he wanted him there and it was true. That was the biggest truth of all, he wanted his brother by his side, always.
He was fifteen years old when Sirius ran away from home before Christmas Eve, and in the days after Regulus was still with his parents, his mother chastised him and blamed him for not telling the family. That was his worst Christmas, not that other holidays were good when it came to the Black family. But that was the first one who stayed away from his brother.
Regulus was a spiteful and resentful person, he admitted his faults. So when he returned to school and was reunited with his brother, his first reaction was to push him away, to hurt him the same way he was hurt at Christmas, with words and screams. Every time they met he either completely yelled at Sirius or he ignored him
This lasted for a few months, until Barty warned him that this was his brother's final year, and that maybe Regulus would need him in the future when his parents found out he was gay too. Until that moment, he hadn't realized the same would happen to him. So he was reluctant to approach, his relationship with his brother was already completely frayed by that point. Sirius accused him whenever he saw him and Regulus always blamed him. In the midst of the clash was all of his friends watching, not to mention the entire school.
It was in the summer that things started to change, when Pandora arranged a meeting between them, Regulus took Barty and Sirius took James, there was an argument obviously and Sirius was about to leave when Regulus told him that he was also gay and he was dating Barty. It was minutes of silence before James suggested he might as well leave the house and move in with the Potters. Sirius started to laugh, confusing them, until he pulled out his drink in a toast.
"At the end of the most noble and traditional Black family, with no heirs and with their two fag sons" then Regulus laughed too
Things didn't get any easier from there, he still lived with his parents for another three years and he didn't get as close to Sirius as he thought. Although they always arranged to meet once a month. And Sirius was always with James, his brother at heart, Regulus hated to see them together. No matter what, Sirius was always by his friend's side. He just hoped now, his brother hadn't told James he was sick.
His alarm went off at six, making him get out of bed, as if he had lead on his feet he was dragging himself to the kitchen, he didn't expect to find anyone awake at that time so he was surprised when he saw Barty making a tea "Good morning" he said with a sigh as he sat down in the chair.
“Good morning sunshine' Regulus rolled his eyes “Ready for today?”
“Not really.” Bary made him a cup of tea too.
"Coffee?"
"You're out, I'm going to the supermarket with Evan later" they were sitting together at the table now "Are you scared?" in Regulus' silence, he continued "Because I am"
Regulus looked at him with a small smile “It's not fear exactly, it's just…I don't know”
"I think I know what you mean" they were serious now "I'm really sorry that I told Sirius but he should have known"
"It's ok, I don't think I would ever have the courage to tell him, so thank you" the house was still silent
"We're not going to leave you now, you know?" Barty looked at him fondly, "I mean, Evan told me some stuff he researched and I know it's going to be hard, but we're not leaving."
“I know, thank you” The truth is that Regulus knew what was going to happen from now on and it scared him “I'm going to be a pain in the ass”
“When did you stop being?”
"Will you come with me today? Take me to the hospital?"
“Of course I go, I can go visit my mother and then pick you up”
"I think Sirius will drive me home" he hopes "Do you think he'll stay, that I won't be able to scare him this time?"
"I don't know love, but I can assure you that from your side I won't leave" Regulus nodded in agreement.
Barty was her best friend, always had been, dating or not. When they broke up it wasn't sad, it was actually Barty who said he was in love with James, that it was okay. “If you are meant to be mine, it will happen, no matter how long it takes,” he said at the time. Barty loved freely, he didn't hold or charge, he only loved as much as the other allowed him to love. It was a bit like James, Regulus realized.
The thing is, Barty knew him better than anyone else. He was by his side in all the worst moments, in all the anxiety attacks, tantrums, crying spells, when he came back hurting from recess, when he had nightmares at night. Sometimes when he can't sleep he still calls Barty, the friend never fails to answer. Once Sirius said he would die and kill for James, Regulus didn't like it when he heard it, but then he realized he would do the same thing for Barty.
"Do you remember our first time?" Regulus asked, causing Barty to crack a smile.
"Miss me, baby black?" he asked maliciously
“Fuck no, not that nickname again” Regulus rolled his eyes “We were lying down when you suddenly turned to me, startled, and said I was your best friend” he continued.
Barty tilted his head looking at Regulus still smiling "You're still my best friend Reggie"
He doesn't know exactly why he talked about it. Shaking his head to clear all thoughts he said “God I just hope this illness doesn't make me go around feeling all sentimental” Barty laughed.
Soon after, Dorcas and Pandora entered the kitchen and sat with them at the table. Although Dorcas could spend the next few days with Regulus, she still had to work from home-office while Pandora mustered up the courage to visit her parents.
“I don't know what you're so afraid of, what can they do? Disinherit? Isn't it like you still live off their money?"
“It's not that, they're my family, Barty. I don't want to walk away from them and that's what's going to happen."
“That doesn't make much sense, you know? Is your brother not the main heir? So why do they still want to rule your life?”
"It's like you don't know our families, Dorcas" said Regulus "It's all about status"
In the hours that followed Regulus prepared to go to the hospital, he could see that everyone was apprehensive. On the way out, each one of them hugs him with the wish of good luck. In the car, Barty put your favorite music preferences.
“What are you taking to pass the hours?”
"A book?"
“I have an iPad in my backpack, you can take it if you want to watch a movie. Don't forget you'll have to entertain Sirius too"
“I hope he doesn't talk too much” he took the iPad and put it in his own bag.
“Oh, but he sure he’ll ” was playing some Kanye West music when Regulus switched tracks “Hey, I like that one”
"You have to change your taste in music Barty" who started playing Mitski
“Of course, because your depressing songs are so much better” Barty said a few minutes before singing the song too, making Regulus smile. "Um..what are you going to do if Sirius tells a certain someone?"
"You can say his name, you know? It won't kill me" although James is a subject that makes Regulus uncomfortable. "Sirius won't tell."
Barty nodded in agreement, though he doubted it. Sirius' allegiance was not to Regulus. When they arrived at the hospital Sirius was waiting for them at the reception.
"Who do we have to thank for making you shave that awful beard?" Barty asked as soon as he saw him.
Sirius chose to ignore him, turning completely towards Regulus. "So let's go?"
Regulus looked him up and down "Didn't you bring anything? It's going to be like a three hour session. What are you going to do?"
“One thing society does a lot, called talking, you know? Two people exchanging opinions” Barty tried to control his laughter, this was exactly what he expected and what Regulus wanted to avoid.
“First, this is called discussion. Second, who says I want to talk to you for three hours?” Who has that much stuff, Regulus thought.
"Well, I'll leave the beloved brothers here" Barty pulled Regulus into a hug "Good luck, anything calls me, I'll be close" he said in his friend's ear. "Try not to kill yourself" spoke louder. Both Sirius and Regulus rolled his eyes
Regulus took Sirius to the floor where Doctor Pomfrey was. When he got there, they waited some time to be called.
"Regulus, how are you?
Regulus just nodded in agreement. “This is my brother Sirius…And this is my doctor Dr. Pomfrey," he said, introducing the two.
“Nice to meet you Mr. Black" she said shaking Sirius' hand and then turning towards Regulus "Glad you took my advice and brought someone"
“You practically forced me”
"You see, it wasn't like that, I just said..."
"Whatever. What will be done now?” At that point, Regulus was already running out of patience. He didn't like not knowing the next step. A perfectionist, that was what he was.
“Come on, I'll accompany you to the chemo room.” They went down a few more corridors, while she asked him questions about his health. Until that moment Sirius still hadn't said anything but seemed to analyze the situation.
When they arrived in the room he was introduced to another nurse who would be preparing him. Your weight and blood pressure was measured. Then, they were sent to a room with six more people already connected to devices, all with cancer.
“While Lucy gets him ready, can we talk, Mr. Black?” Sirius was startled to be called. Like Regulus, he was startled by the atmosphere in that room.
"What do you have to say to him that can't be in front of me?"
“Nothing really, I will talk to you after the session, I would just bring it up with your brother first”
"What is it?" asked Sirius worriedly
Standing a little further away from Regulus, she continues “It's his first session, in most cases the patients felt better in the first few hours, he may think it's completely good, but then he'll feel the effects. I just want to make sure he won't be alone, are you guys living together? Where will he spend the next 72 hours?
As she spoke Sirius saw his brother startled and gasped when a 20 cm needle was prepared to be put in his right arm. He turned his head, staring at Sirius with eyes startled with fear, almost tearing up.
“Usually they experience body aches, nausea, vomiting, mood swings, tiredness, loss of appetite, weight loss and hair loss. Your brother is going to be completely vulnerable Mr Black” Dr. Pomfrey had a certain care and caution in his voice. But Sirius didn't pay much attention to what she was saying. A few feet away from him, Regulus closed his eyes in pain as the needle was incorporated.
Sirius felt his hands get sweaty and cold, his breath coming in short breaths, as if he was feeling that pain along with his brother. “It will be six sessions, the doses won't be much, your sessions average at two hours. You can always accompany him. There are studies that the presence of a family member can help during treatment. Make yourself comfortable” after that she left.
After the nurse finished inserting the needle and turning on the machine, Regulus remained completely still for a while, avoiding looking completely at his arm, breathing as calmly as he could to avoid movement. Turning to face the other way, he could see Sirius approaching cautiously and sitting down in the escort chair.
"Does it hurt?" Regul rolled his eyes but he could recognize the tone in his brother's voice.
"What do you think?" Sirius just shook his head, and looked to the other patients in the room. "What did she say?"
"You're going to go bald" There was a girl in the room with a scarf on her head, both brothers were looking at her now, it was something they both realized at the same time.
"Great." The harshness in his voice drew Sirius' attention to him again. "Besides from getting sick, I'll still have to see you being the more handsome of the two of us." Sirius smiled, closing shortly after.
"I can cut it if you want" and it was true, Sirius would shave his hair if Regulus asked, he doesn't know how he was so sure of that. After all, everyone knows Sirius' love for his hair
"You're not crazy" Regulus said immediately "Don't you dare do that". Sirius just nodded.
None of them were relaxed. Sirius was still analyzing all the people inside the room, and Regulus, still without moving, was staring at the floor lost in his thoughts.
"You should have brought something to pass the time" Regulus said after a few minutes. “There's an iPad in my bag, you can watch a movie”
Sirius turned his attention to his brother "Do you want to watch a movie?"
“I didn't say I wanted to, I told you to watch it” she pointed to the bag next to her brother to take “I brought a book”
His brother took the book and read the title before handing over “Little Women? What is it about?"
"Do you want to talk about books?" Regulus asked in disbelief.
“No, I want to talk to you” They stared at each other “You were three years away Reggie!”
"And?"
"..." Sirius looked at him expectantly.
“And you want to talk about it now?” Regulus shook his head no "No I won't do that"
Siru huffed, getting upset "So why am I here?"
Regulus looked at him furiously “No one is forcing you to be here. If you want to leave, go!” he ended up speaking louder, drawing the attention of the other patients.
But Sirius didn't leave, he leaned back in his chair and stayed. Regulus opened the book and started to ignore his brother. So they stayed like this for more than half an hour, in silence.
"You kept Icarus" Sirius said suddenly, Regulus eyes him uncomprehendingly "You didn't want to see me because I reminded you of James but you kept the cat he gave to you"
"So I should have abandoned him?" closing the book Regulus continued “It's not the same”
"For me it is, and not exactly abandoning but it's for someone else, as the memory of James made you suffer" Regulus looked at him horrified
“It's my cat… I wouldn't, I wouldn't abandon him. Never.” Everyone knew of Regulus' love of cats, as a child his mother never allowed him to have one, so James gave him one for his 20th birthday. “And I never said the memory of James made me suffer.” Now that was a lie
"It makes no sense"
"Not really" They didn't know they were agreeing to different things.
“Where have you been during these three years?” Sirius tried one more time
With a sigh Regulus relented “France mainly, during the first year”
"And then?" Regulus kept staring at Sirius until his brother realized what he meant "And you never thought of visiting me all this time?" he smiled upset.
Regulus didn't respond, opening the book once more. More minutes of silence.
“I saw you a few times and Remus too” Now it was his turn to surprise Sirius “You guys look happy”
“We are” he agreed
“So, is everyone okay?” Regulus still had the book open, pretending to read
“Yes” Sirius gave up and took out the iPad to look for a movie
The entire time he was in London, Regulus tried to avoid any thoughts about James. He never asked Sirius how his ex-boyfriend was doing, and he blocked any means of hearing from him on social media. But now, alone with his brother, his direct link to his ex, that's the only question he wants to ask.
"Do you like your job?" but he couldn't ask
"I like it. I work together with James and Frank, do you remember him?” Regulus nodded in agreement "We arrested your friend Mulciber for drug dealing"
"He is not my friend"
"Whatever. It has its good days and bad days” Sirius finished “What about you?”
“I work at a publishing company, sometimes I review some books or translate, it depends”
“I thought you were a writer”
"I'm not always inspired so I do other things to occupy my time" the book on Regulus' lap was still open as a protective shield in case he needed to back off the conversation again
“But are you happy?” Sirius found himself caring about the answer to that question more than he'd expected. He and his brother deserved to be happy
Regulus looked at him for a while before replying "Sometimes, like I'm glad to hear you're happy, but for me this is one of those momentary affairs”.
Sirius didn't like the answer and Regulus went back to his book once more. They talked about a few more topics. Remus' work, Andromeda and her daughter, Barty's wedding. It was already at the end of the session when Regulus asked about his parents.
"I never tried to find out" Sirius replied "They are not my parents, Regulus, biological yes, but Effie and Monty who are my real parents”
”Pandora and Evan say that if something had happened they would know, so I imagine they are fine” Sirius didn't react, showing his lack of interest in the subject, Regulus understood this but was still sad.
When the session ended, Regulus was surprised that he didn't feel anything. He closed his eyes again when it was time to take the needle out. He stayed in the room for a few more minutes just in case, while Dr. Pomfrey would come back to tell him everything he'd told Sirius earlier. This time both brothers paid attention
On the way out, Sirius confirmed he would take him home, and he texted Barty to let him know. In the end, it wasn't as bad as he imagined.