Life in the shadows

See, Regulus always knew that he wasn't destined for greatness. He knew that he was meant for a life lived in the shadows, a life that would be forgotten.

Regulus had eventually made his peace with this. He left greatness to those who were destined for it. People like Bellatrix and Dorcas, with their overwhelming magical talent. People like Evan and Barty, with their charisma and charm, leaving people falling at their feet. People like Narcissa and Pandora who are able to spread their light places that have always been covered in darkness.

People like Sirius. Sirius who was consistently at the top of his class without even trying. Sirius who was able to make people fall at his feet with a grin. Sirius, who was able to light up Grimmauld Place, where light had never touched before. Sirius, who still managed to be their parent's perfect heir, even when going against everything they stood for. Sirius who managed to make Regulus feel like he was enough. Like being just Regulus would lead him into a life of greatness one day.

Of course, then Sirius left. He left, and he never came back. He left Regulus to become the heir, because while one may be able to leave, one will always have to stay. So, Regulus stayed. And as Sirius left, he took with him the only light in Regulus' life. And as Regulus stayed, he was plunged further into darkness.

It used to bother him that he was never great enough. He wasn't enough to make Sirius stay, not even enough to make Sirius look back. He certainly isn't enough for his parents, with their growing expectations, along with their growing agitation that their perfect heir had left. That Sirius had left and that all they had was the spare. He wasn't enough for his Uncle Alphard, the only comfort that he and Sirius had in the family after Andromeda had left. Because Alphard had forgotten him, left Sirius as his sole heir. Alphard didn't mention Regulus once in his will, because who would remember Regulus when Sirius always shined so much brighter.

It would break him, again and again, every time that he failed the ones he loved. Every time that someone left because he wasn't enough for them to stay, every time that he came up short to expectations, every time that he wasn't even enough to be remembered. It broke him until he learned to accept what he was, mediocre. Once Regulus accepted that, he found ways to help those in the light, those who were destined for greatness. He made sure that they could continue to shine, even if it broke himself in the process. It wouldn't even bother him if he ruined himself, because deep down he knew that his was all he was made for.

And so, it didn't bother him anymore, his mediocrity, until James Potter came along. Because if anyone was made for greatness, it was James. The way that he shined brighter than everyone, the way that he drew people in like moths to a flame, James was greatness personified, the sun in human form. And Regulus knew that the Sun could never stay in the Shadows.

So, Regulus can't really be blamed for trying to hold onto James, because sometimes James looks at him, and Regulus can imagine that he is looking at him with some sort of longing. That James is looking at Regulus like he is more than what Regulus truly is. James makes Regulus feel loved, he makes him feel wanted, and brilliant in his own right.
James makes Regulus feel like he can be great too.

Who can blame Regulus for that night on the astronomy tower. When James had looked at him like he was his own star, like Regulus was something to be desired. Who can blame Regulus for being so captivated that he doesn't realize he has learned so far in until it's too late. And when James bridges the gap, when he brings their lips together and kisses Regulus so carefully. When he touches Regulus like he should be cherished, like a prized possession, who can blame Regulus for kissing back like its his only purpose in life.

And when James whispers, “goodnight, Reg,” into his ear, before smiling that smile, so uniquely James, before heading out. Who can blame Regulus for shutting his eyes, for making sure that this memory would stay in his brain. That he could remember that time that James Potter had made him feel like himself, like just Regulus, was enough for the sun.
And so, the next night, when James comes back. When he softly kisses Regulus and holds him in his arms like he is something delicate. When he only stops to make sure that Regulus knows that this will need to stay a secret, for Sirius's sake of course. When Regulus agrees, because who is Regulus to deny James anything? And when James smiles so bright, and fills Regulus with warmth, he knows that this is all he will ever want. Because Regulus Black will always want for James Potter.

Regulus will want him even when he inevitably leaves.

Regulus will want him even when James breaks him until Regulus can't even hope to be repaired.