Expectations and Desire

We were finally finished with the trials. It had been three weeks since they ended and I led next to Theo as he lightly snored staring at the ceiling after another night of ‘meaningless’ sex, as we seemed to do most nights as of late. It had become a recent development it would seem. I called him when I no longer wanted to think or feel anything, he called me so he could feel something, though I never understood why he’d subject himself to me so often. Every time we did it, things got harder. More complicated. More emotional. I knew it needed to end. I knew it was unfair of me to continue to come over, but I couldn’t stop. I tried to find other people, tried going out and having actual meaningless sex with them instead, but no matter who it was, guy or girl, I could never bring myself to do it. I just saw his face in the back of my mind and pulled out at the last minute. I pissed off a lot of people in the process but I didn’t care about them. I cared about Theo, not that he thought I did. I hoped he knew I did, but did I love Theo? Did Theo love me? I hoped not. I shook the thought from my head scaring myself from thinking about it any longer and got up leaving quietly, making yet another false promise to myself that I wouldn’t come back again if he asked.

The music was loud, the drink was disgusting, and it was hot. I was sat at the bar sipping on an unknown concoction, looking out at the crowd of drunk people dancing and making out. Maybe tonight would be the night I actually get to move on. 

“You look like you’re not having fun. Care to share?” I turned to my right smirking at the guy who had pulled me from my thoughts and he bit his lip. He would do I guess.  

“Not really. I don’t like to talk through my problems. I find the energy put into other activities much more satisfying.” He put his hand on my thigh running his hand up it. I raised my eyebrow and he smiled.

“Well, in that case, I think I can help cheer you up. My place is just down the road if you’re up for the distraction.” He winked and took my hand leading me toward the exit of the club. I’d do it this time. I would. 

We walked outside and I heard a familiar laugh. No. Please don’t be here. I looked around and Theo was stood smoking, talking between a group of people. Fuck. The guy continued to lead me forward, and Theo’s eyes met mine for a split second, then moved to the guy, then to our joined hands. I saw the hurt written all over his expression. He quickly put a face of indifference back on and chucked his cigarette to the floor glaring at me and turned going in the direction of his flat. I sighed and pulled my hand from the other guy. 

“Hey, sorry but I can’t.” He turned to me and shrugged.

“Okay, well if you change your mind, you know where to find me.” He winked and walked past me back into the club. I ran my hand over my face looking up at the sky. I needed to talk to him. It probably wasn’t the best idea, but I had to make sure he knew I didn’t go through with it. I caused the hurt on his face and hated the thought. I took a deep breathe and rapped my knuckles on the door quickly. Nothing. I knocked again and looked down either side of the corridor. 

“Theo I know you’re in there, open the door.” Still nothing. Fine. I checked again and took out my wand unlocking the door stepping inside. He was sat on the sofa, drink in hand, not looking at me. 

“Was he that bad?” I stayed by the door and sighed.

“Nothing happened. I told him I couldn’t go through with it.” Theo scoffed and drank some more. “I just wanted you to know.” He gave a sarcastic nod. 

“Is that to make me feel better? Or are you here so you’ll feel better? My gut tells me it’s the latter.” He clenched his jaw. 

“Come off it Theo, it’s not like we’re together. I can do what I want.” He stood and poured more whiskey into his glass. 

“You sure can. I don’t remember telling you that you couldn’t.” 

“Yet somehow, you’re still making me feel guilty. You were obviously upset back there.” 

“That’s on you Draco, I can’t help how you feel. And so? Since when have you cared if I’m upset? Or angry, or happy, or excited, or tired, or hurt?” 

“You’re saying I don’t care?” Theo downed what he had just poured and walked forward to me. I hated when he drank on his own. “Theo don’t you think you’ve had enough to drink.” He laughed and shook his head. 

“I’ve hardly had anything, and it’s not like we’re together. I can do what I want.” He was throwing my words back at me. “And yes I’m saying you don’t care. Because you don’t. So just go, fuck someone else don’t fuck someone else I don’t give a shit, but don’t stand there and pretend to care for me.” I cared. I really did care about him. 

“I’m not leaving if you’re going to continue drinking. You might hurt yourself.”

“Well I don’t want you to stay. You’ve never stayed before. That’s how this works, you come here, we have sex, you leave before I wake up.” Theo put his glass on the table and walked a little closer to me. “Tell me, if I hadn’t seen you would you have gone through with it?” Did I answer honestly? I don’t know what was worse. Lying, or the truth. Both would hurt. I won’t answer. 

“You know I feel like I’m getting a lot of shit right now for doing nothing.” Theo frowned and stared into my eyes his voice more of a whisper.

“Nothing?” I shrugged and Theo rolled his eyes and turned to pour more drink into his glass. “I didn't think you could be much more self centered, but you have proved me wrong.” 

“Okay you really need to stop drinking or I’m not leaving.” 

“No. You don’t get to stay now and call it caring. You don’t get to make yourself feel better about this, and then after tonight keep treating me like I don’t matter, or pretend that you’ve done nothing. So get the fuck out.” I shook my head once staring him down. 

“I’m not staying for me I’m doing it so you don’t get so drunk you pass out, choke on your own vomit and die.” Theo shrugged and turned to walk away. 

“Maybe I want to die.” I instantly felt my anger rise within me mixed with fear. The thought terrified me. I grabbed his wrist and stepped closer to him closing the gap between us my voice serious. 

“Don’t ever say that again do you hear me? Never wish that. I couldn’t…” Theo smirked slightly. 

“Couldn’t what, Draco? Couldn’t imagine not fucking me again? Because that’s all this is. You only ever come here for that, and you know it.” He narrowed his eyes at me moving his face closer to mine. “Where does dear Mummy think you’re going when you leave? I know how much she despises me. She surely doesn’t approve of this little arrangement of ours. I’m your dirty little secret aren’t I? And that’s all I’ll ever be.” He was trying to hurt me, so I’d leave. I do the same. But I wasn’t going anywhere. I pulled his arm closer to me gritting my teeth. 

“Theo I swear...”

“What? What are you gonna do Draco? You going to hurt me? Torture me maybe? You’ve already done that, and I don’t remember it doing anything other than almost killing me every, single, time. You know I wish it had killed me. Because what you clearly don’t see, is that you are killing me, you’re just doing it slowly.” Inside my heart was breaking. Outside, my face hadn’t changed. “Draco this hurts so much more than that ever did. You hurt me more now than you did back then. Yet you still stand there, and tell me you’ve done nothing.” 

“Theo I..”

“Just get out.” Theo ripped his hand from my grasp and turned picking up the bottle on the way taking it with him and went into the bedroom slamming the door. I followed him in and he turned shouting. “I said get the fuck out Draco!” 

“No Theo.” He shook his head walking back toward the door. 

“Then I’ll leave.” I shut it and took the bottle from his hands placing it on the drawers. He sighed and looked up at me tilting his head to the side in question. 

"You're not leaving either." He sounded defeated as he spoke, tears threatening to spill over onto his cheeks.

“What do you want from me? Draco I can’t give you anymore. I am giving you, everything in me. I am giving you, all that I am. Why aren’t I enough for you?” I brought my hand up to his cheek softly running the back of my fingers down it. I know, I shouldn’t have said what I did. I know I should have left. But the pull toward him was unparalleled to any straight forward thinking. 

“Be with me tonight Theo. Please. Baby I need you.” Theo looked into my eyes like he was internally fighting with himself, but he nodded once and without hesitation my lips smashed onto his in a hungry kiss. He tasted of whiskey, smelled of smoke and his natural musk and it made me crave him more. We stumbled toward the bed and fell onto it, clothes flying off as we did so. This was different than all the other times. There was no care, no foreplay, and we didn’t take our time. It was just anger fueled, amazing, heartbreaking, gut wrenching sex. I drove into Theo harder than ever before, so angry, so frustrated, so grateful, so happy. Everything was so contradictory, so wrong, yet it felt so right. We both finished, collapsing down onto the bed the air thick with sex. I hated myself, and I know Theo hated himself in this moment too. He rolled over onto his side facing away from me and I led on my back next to him. Not another word was spoke, and Theo drifted off to sleep as I stared at the ceiling drowning in my self loathing. 

I jolted awake grabbing my wand at hearing shouting come from beside me, Theo moving around the bed yelling like he was in pain. I looked at him in panic, but he didn’t stop. His arms were flailing about. He hit my arm and I pinned them down by his head, not knowing what to do. 

“Theo! Theo what’s happening, what can I do? Theo talk to me I don’t know what’s wrong, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.” More screaming, more thrashing. He fought against me and I held firm. “Fuck Theo please! Please talk to me baby.” A few more seconds past and he finally opened his eyes whipping his head around before his eyes settled on me confused, brow furrowed, tears stinging his eyes. He fought against my hands and I let go so he could sit up. He was breathing heavy his voice hoarse.

“You’re still here.” I had never stayed before. I always left before he woke, not allowing myself to fall asleep. I don't know how I allowed myself to this time. 

“I’m still here. What was that?” Theo’s breathing was still heavy and I brought my hand up to his forehead moving some hair out of his eyes feeling the slick of sweat beneath my fingers. 

“Nightmare.” 

“Do you get them a lot?” 

“Yeah. Most nights, though I’ve never come out that quick before. What did you do?” I felt awful that he had to deal with this alone. I had no idea. 

“Just held you still and spoke to you. I didn’t really know what to do."

“Why are you still here?” I couldn’t tell if he was happy or mad about my presence. 

“I don’t know. I’ll leave.” I moved to get off the bed but he gripped my hand. 

“Please don’t leave me now.” I looked into his eyes and I saw nothing but pain and fear. I wanted to take that away from him. I nodded and moved back onto the bed pulling him forward for a hug whispering into his hair. 

“You’re enough Theo. But I cant be what you need.”

“Shh you don’t have to talk. Just stay with me.” He kept his head on my chest as I lay hating myself more and more by the second.

I woke up just as I had fallen asleep with him. He was still in my arms sleeping soundly. I shifted beneath him uncomfortable with myself for what I was doing, knowing this wasn’t right of me. Theo woke from my movement and moved his eyes up to mine sitting up quickly rubbing his hand over his face. He got up and pulled on a jumper and joggers walking to the kitchen. I did the same and he handed me a coffee. I sipped on it leaning against the counter top. 

“Those nightmares, you said they happen often. What are they of?” 

“It varies a lot. But I relive my worst memories. Feels just as real as it did when they happened. Sorry if I scared you.” I shook my head. 

“So you just have to wait, to wake up?” He nodded and I frowned. Silence settled over us and he cleared his throat. 

“Thank you for staying. You can leave when you want though. Don’t feel you have to stay any longer.” There was no manipulation or anger behind his words. He meant it. He was clearly tired of this. Tired of feeling this way. 

“Theo I meant what I said last night. You are enough. I can’t allow myself more, because I don’t deserve more. Don’t deserve you.” I owed him some sort of explanation. He scoffed and put his mug down hopping up to sit on the counter and rest his forearms on his thighs. 

“Thing is Draco, whether that’s true or not, you don’t get to decide that for me.” I avoided his eyes and he ran his hand through his hair. “Why did you stay? Why do you come here when I call you every time, if you’re so adamant to stay away?” I looked into my coffee and thought for a second. 

“Because you ask me to.” The truth. Theo had a tiny upturn at the corner of his mouth. It wasn’t often I let him see this side of myself. I just felt I owed it to him in this moment to be slightly more vulnerable.  

“Would you do that for anyone else?” I shook my head and he gave me a look like it was obvious, which I guess it was. But I wasn’t going to let it happen. “I hear what you’re saying. I do. But I just wish you would stop hating yourself for this.”

“Theo you hate yourself too. Don’t deny it.” He sighed. 

“I think there’s different reasons behind my hatred of myself to yours. You don’t think you’re good enough for me, and I…” he paused and cleared his throat. “I hate myself because I am in love with the impossibility of this. Of me and you. I’m never going to stop trying, and that’s why I hate myself.” 

“Theo I will never stop coming if you ask me to. I try not to come, but I can’t stop myself. What I don’t understand though, is why you would keep doing this to yourself? You said last night how much this is hurting you. So why?” Theo thought for a second then shrugged. 

“It’s better than the alternative. Having you like this will always be better, than not having you at all.” I looked down having not expected that reply. I felt so guilty. This was getting too much for me and I wanted to leave, but didn’t know how to say it without sounding like an ass. 

“You can go.” I hated how he read me so well. I sighed and looked up at him once more and he stared back into my eyes. Seeing all of me. He could always see me. I stood and made to leave as Theo stayed on the counter. “You know better than anyone, that I don’t give up easily. I’m not giving up on this yet. If at all.” I stopped and looked over my shoulder. 

“This is wrong of me to say. But I hope you never do.” I opened the door and left walking out the building, and I kept going for hours. 

Four months later 

I walked through the door to the flat tired and hungover. I know I fucked up. I passed out at a friends flat last night and Theo had no idea where I was. I just didn’t come home. It was just getting light and I had ran from where I was to here as soon as I realised I had fell asleep. If it were anyone else, it probably wouldn't be such an issue, but Theo was convinced me and this friend used to have a thing, which of course we didn't. I walked through the flat to the bedroom and saw him sat up in bed his back against the headboard. He sneered at me his face angry. 

“So kind of you to come home.” I shut the bedroom door and put my hands on my hips still breathless from running.

“Theo come on.” 

“Oh I’m sorry, did I upset you? Did I not come home last night? Did I leave the club with another guy?” 

“Theo nothing happened, you know he’s just a friend of mine. That’s it.” He laughed and stood up out of bed pushing past me leaving the room. 

“You left the club last night with said friend, didn’t come back into the club, and then didn’t come home. Are you seriously going to insult me more by lying to me right now?” 

“I have only been with you for the past two months. I’m not seeing anyone else, and I certainly never had anything with him now or before.” He pointed aggressively at me as he shouted.

“Don’t fucking lie to me! I saw you leave with him don’t try and convince me that I’m delusional!” 

“Theo we left the club together yes, that doesn’t mean we slept together!” 

“With you, that’s usually exactly what that means. You disappeared for hours Draco how are you explaining that one?” 

“He introduced me to a few of his friends and we ended up going to his place and spoke, and drank, and that’s it. Six people not just me and him.” Theo rolled his eyes. 

“You’ve had all night and that’s what you came up with?” 

“He’s just a friend, you’ve even met him before!” 

“I sure have, he was a delightful chap, really. Other than the fact he's definitely into you, talks shit about me to people all the time going on about how you're too good for me and that one time he 'accidentally' felt you up instead of his date. Yeah he's real great Draco." I rolled my eyes and he was rambling to himself. "I’m such a fucking idiot why did I think you could ever just be with me?” I walked toward him and he stepped back from me.

“Nothing happened Theo. I swear.”

“I’ve only got myself to blame for trusting you. Though I was warned right? You told me you’d hurt me and here I am.“ I went to speak but he interrupted. “No it’s fine, you’ve said enough, clearly you don’t even have the decency to give me the truth either so just go, get the fuck out.” There was no reasoning with him right now.

“Fine, but I will be back later. This isn’t finished.” 

“I don’t want you to come back. I hope he was worth it.” I groaned and turned leaving the flat slamming the door shut on my way out. 

I went back later the same night and didn’t bother knocking just walked straight in. Theo was in the kitchen cooking, his eyes red from crying. 

“Fucking hell what do you want? I thought I made my feelings pretty clear earlier. I don’t want to fight with you anymore Draco, please get out.” 

“Shut up, and listen to me.” Theo turned around and crossed his arms tongue in cheek. “I swear to you, that I never did anything with him. I’ve never done anything, with any guy, or girl for that matter, in the past two months and even before that I hadn’t, because I couldn’t."

"So you say." 

"You, are the only person, I want to be with. You, are the only person right now, who is important to me, who I love, and who I want to make all of my promises to in the future.” I pulled the black band from behind my back and walked toward him holding it over his ring finger, not pushing it on yet. “Theo, I promise you, I will be faithful to you, for as long as you will have me. I promise to love you and care for you in the best way I know how. I promise to never hurt you intentionally and I promise, I will never leave you, unless you ask me to. I will do anything I can, to make you happy baby. Anything. Please, believe me when I say, you are the only man I will ever want.” I finally finished my rant breathless and nervous. This is by far, the most vulnerable he had seen me. Theo look down at the ring then back to me. 

“A promise ring?” I nodded and smirked. 

“Of sorts. Little too soon for an engagement.” Theo smiled letting me push the ring onto his finger and brought his head into my shoulder as I sighed placing my hand in his hair. “I’m so sorry baby. I must admit if it was the other way round I’d probably have been just as angry… if not more so.” I kissed him on the head and he spoke into my shoulder. 

“I’m sorry too, and yes you would have.” I scoffed and pulled back looking at his face. I really did love this man. 

“You’re sexy when you’re angry, anyone ever told you that?” Theo laughed and stepped back leaning against the counter smirking. 

“Yes actually, but he's an ass.”

“Oh?” 

“Mm he’s also hot headed, very impatient and infuriating at times. But I have never loved anyone more than I do him.” He bit his lip as I smirked at him and stepped forward closing him in against the counter placing my hands either side of his hips and lowered my face to his.

“Just for that, I’m going to get you in that bedroom and you’re not leaving it until tomorrow, after I’ve made you cum so many times you’ve forgotten your own name.” I leaned down and kissed his neck as Theo hummed and put his hand over my hardened cock. 

“As if you could.” I chuckled and ran my finger along his jaw line. 

“Oh baby, you really know how to wind me up.” His lips slammed to mine in a passionate kiss and I walked him backwards into the bedroom and made good on my promise.