Chapter 36
If I could just reach the stupid jumper then I would be happy. I really wanted to wear this specific jumper today because I was uncomfortable and it was the comfiest jumper Theo owned, but did he had to put it so bloody high up in the closet? I shouted out in frustration and put my head in my hands. I was due a week ago now, I was irritable, tired, and wanted that fucking jumper. I went downstairs and burst into the office absolutely fuming. Draco was on the phone and jumped turning to me looking concerned and ended the call abruptly. Aw. He’d drop anything to make sure I was okay. I'll be sure to hug him for that later. Right now, I had Theo to yell at.
“Theodore get your ass upstairs right now.” I turned back around and went up ahead of him as they both followed asking me all the way up the stairs what was going on as I ignored them. I walked into the closet and pointed up at the jumper. “I have to wear that jumper and I can’t reach it. Why is it so high!?" Draco smiled and hit Theos arm in jest.
"Yeah Theo why is it up so high?" Theo glared at him before turning back to me.
“That’s it? I thought something really bad had happened.” Theo sighed and pulled it down handing it to me. Draco made a face as if to say he shouldn’t have said that, and he was right.
“Don’t 'that's it' me, I am so uncomfortable and this jumper is the only thing keeping me somewhat sane right now.” I put it on and waited to feel better, more comfortable. Nothing happened, so obviously the normal thing to do right now, was cry. I sobbed and Theo sighed again very apologetic.
“Aw sweetheart come here. I’m sorry I didn't mean to upset you.” He hugged me as I cried and rubbed his hand up and down my back. “She’ll come when she’s ready. Can we do anything to help?” I sniffed and nodded.
“Don’t put your jumpers so high.” I heard Draco snigger and Theo laughed a little.
“I promise I won’t do it again.” That shouldn’t have made me feel so much better but it actually did. These mood swings were ridiculous. "Anything else?" I shook my head and Draco stepped forward kissing me on the head.
“Well now that's been sorted, I’m gonna go call back Mr Rasher due to being cut off so quickly for your jumper crisis.” I frowned at him and he laughed holding his hands up. “I’m just joking, I love you darling.”
I couldn’t even sleep properly anymore because I was so uncomfortable. I hated sleeping on my back but I had to, so I kept moving about due to not getting comfy. Theo and Draco in turn were kept awake from my lack of stillness.
"Do you want me to sleep in the spare room? Or should I say not sleep, in the spare room? I don't mind." Theo laughed and put his hand over my stomach.
"Of course not. Though I can't speak for Draco."
"No you're not sleeping in the spare room. It's not like we have much to do tomorrow anyway."
"You don't?"
"I told you earlier that we only had a few more bits to do so we can tie up lose ends so we can be off as long as possible with you when she comes." I went to respond but felt a slight twinge in my abdomen. I sat up and frowned, before a worse pain came making me shout out.
“Ah fuck!” Draco sat up quickly and Theo jumped off the bed pulling on some clothes. I was deeply breathing absolutely terrified and felt the bed beneath me become wet. Was I ready for this?
"Darling come on. We gotta go to the hospital." I shook my head. "You're in labor. Unless you wanna give birth here, we need to go." I waited a little longer before the pain subsided slightly. I stood up and Draco pulled some clothes on and grabbed the hospital bag before making his way to the door with Theo. I froze in place momentarily and they turned to me.
"Hermione?" My voice was barely a whisper.
"I'm scared." They both smiled and Theo stepped forward taking my hand in his squeezing lightly.
"Us too sweetheart, but we've got you. You can do this." I nodded and we made our way to the hospital.
The feeling I got after seeing her for the first time, will never be topped. The feeling I got after seeing their reaction to her, will be one of my favourite memories. Theo and Draco were both amazing throughout the whole birth as I had expected they would be. She was asleep in my arms all of us staring down at her.
“She is literally, the most perfect pieces of you and Theo in one cute little package.” Theo laughed and Draco smiled. “I’m serious, she has your tanned skin, Hermiones color hair, your curls and big brown eyes... I think. She’s so beautiful.”
“That part is all Hermione. You did so well sweetheart.” Theo kissed me on the head and looked back down at her. “Any idea on a name?” I had chosen out of the two they gave me. I nodded and smiled down at her.
“Alya Christina Fenwick.” Draco ran his finger gently over her tiny hands.
“Perfect.”
“She is. She’s perfect.”
I was startled awake by the sound of crying. I sat up in bed and made my way to Alyas crib picking her up out of it. The past eight weeks had been challenging, a lot of long nights, only a handful of arguments that were usually started due to being so tired, but all in all we handled it pretty well. She rarely slept through the night and would be asleep most of the day, meaning I would sleep most of the day. Theo and Draco went back to work a week ago, and although they could do a lot of it at home, I felt it only fair they didn't get up with her in the night anymore unless I was really desperate. Not that it stopped them. They hated it when she cried. They both sat up awake as well and I sighed whispering.
"Go back to sleep, she's fine. I'll go feed her in the nursery." Theo shook his head.
"It's okay, it's the weekend anyway, and it's just after 7am, I consider that a lie in these days. Come on." Theo gestured me to come back to bed so I did, resting in between them my back against the headboard. I held her in my arms and fed her as they led down next to me. She finally fell back to sleep and Draco took her lying her on his chest.
"You spoil her. She can't sleep on you both forever. She needs to learn how to sleep on her own at some point." Theo scoffed.
"We do spoil her but it will never change so come to terms with it now sweetheart." I led back down and cuddled into Theo.
"I'm not complaining too much. She does sleep better on either of you for some reason. Actually she also always kicked when you two spoke. She's already chosen favorites. Shocking." I said sarcastically shaking my head.
“She clearly knows already that she can do no wrong." She began fussing a little so Draco stood up rocking her. "Aw no baby girl don't be sad." She calmed as he spoke walking around and he smiled down to her.
"I really should shower while she's sleeping but I cant be bothered to move." Theo stood up laughing and I groaned at the loss as he stripped down to his boxers.
"In that case, I will go shower instead." I eyed him up and down appreciating his body. He still went to the gym as much as he could and I loved it showed. "See something you like?" He was grinning having noticed my eyes travelling over him.
"I always do." I bit my lip and he walked toward me and kissed my neck whispering low in my ear.
"Well you're welcome to join me in the shower. Little bit of incentive for you to move." He winked and walked out the room and Draco laughed a little.
"If you don't go I will." I turned to them and smiled at the sight.
"You're okay with her?" Draco smiled down at Alya then looked back to me.
"I'm perfect darling."
"Well then I'm going to shower." I winked and left to go to the bathroom.
Year One
Alya was tottering around the garden still a little unsteady on her feet. It was just after her first birthday and I was sat basking in the sun, the end of the summer heat lightly kissing my skin. I could see Draco and Theo were both in the office, it looked like they were stressed about something or other. I still hadn't gone back to work yet, I dipped my toe in every now and then but they both said they wanted me to spend as much time with Alya as possible before going back, which I gladly took them up on the offer. We got married here when she was 6 months old, it was literally just us Harry and Ginny there, who were now heavily pregnant with their first child. Harry walked me down the aisle as he promised to and it was the perfect wedding. Small, intimate, and just what we wanted.
I watched her walk around in her own little world, and I never realised how much you could physically love another person until she was born. Her brown curly hair was a complete mess after running around for the past hour and her features had changed to look a lot more like Theo, those big brown eyes tanned skin and cheeky smile were him all over. Alya waddled up to the window where they were and put her hands against it. Draco saw her and pointed her out to Theo who turned, their expressions of stress seemed to melt away as soon as they saw her. They kneeled down to the bottom of the window smiling and waving making her laugh. I stood up and made my way up to her picking her up and she put her nose to mine. She had been doing it for months, we have no idea why she started to do it, but she’d only do it with me. I walked back inside with her and put her down and she waddled straight to the office falling over once in the process. She wasn't allowed in there, mainly because of the ladder for the bookshelf, but she knew that's where they were. Draco came out and scooped her up smothering her in kisses making her giggle.
"Hey baby girl. You're getting so good at walking!" Alya smiled probably not sure what he was going on about and the buzzer went to say someone was at the gate. I looked at the camera and saw a delivery guy. My heart sank a little and I looked over my shoulder. I never let delivery guys in. Draco or Theo would always meet them out there instead because of how nervous I got due to what happened with Ron. He came over seeing them and gave me Alya.
"I got it, stay here." He made his way to meet him outside. Alya began to speak random noises reaching her hands behind me and I turned seeing Theo as she leaned over to go to him.
"Delivery?" I nodded and Draco came back up the path holding a small brown parcel and I felt instantly sick. I knew it couldn’t be what I thought it was, but it still held the memory. Though Draco looked unsure as he approached the door and shifted on his feet.
“It’s for you.”
“From?” He cleared his throat and looked at Theo who poked Alyas nose.
“Baby girl come on, let's go find your bunny.” They left and I was even more nervous at the fact he didn't want Alya here.
“From Molly Weasley.” I shook my head, I wasn't dealing with this now.
“Put it in the kitchen, we’ll deal with it later.” I turned and went back in the house going to Theo and Alya trying to not get upset. I picked her up clinging her to me and sat with her on the sofa as she lay on me. I didn’t want to let her go, getting this feeling inside of me that if I did then she’d be taken away. That if I let her out of my sight I’d never find her again. Theo came and sat next to me about ten minutes later and I jumped a little. "Sorry. I'm a nervous wreck."
“I know you’re worried, but you’re safe. I promise.” I turned to him and nodded noticing Draco in the corner of my eye. He was leaning against the entryway watching me and Alya. I whispered trying not to cry.
“I don’t want to let her go. I feel like she’s going to disappear.” Theo stared into my eyes and I’d only ever seen that look once before. Possessive and protective.
“She’s not going anywhere. Believe me, when I say you are safe.”
I had stayed with Alya the rest of the day, not letting her out my sight. We had just finished clearing up after dinner and I put her asleep upstairs though kept the baby monitor screen in view. I couldn’t let that feeling go, I just needed to see her all the time, make sure she was okay. The parcel was in the middle of the island all of us stood around it. Once again.
“Now logically speaking, this can’t be what we think it is.” I was chewing on my thumb nail as Theo spoke. “He can’t send anything out, she wouldn’t send anything bad right? This is either something she sent herself, or that he asked her to send.” I nodded and picked it up turning it over in my hands. I looked back to the screen once more, then moved my hand to my pocket checking my wand was still there before I ripped it open quickly. I wanted to get this over with. I pulled off the lid and took out a necklace and a letter. I knew this necklace. I held it up in front of me and placed it on the table and read the letter out loud.
“Dear Hermione, This was pre approved to be sent to you by St Mungos. They thought it would help with Ron’s journey to recovery, and maybe yours too. I hope you are well and happy, and I know this by no means helps, but I am sorry. I hope to see you again one day but if I don’t, I wish you all the happiness and peace you can find. With love, Molly Weasley.” I put it down and cleared my throat and looked back at the baby monitor, then to the necklace. I didn’t know what to do or say. Draco spoke after a few minutes of silence.
“What’s with the necklace?” I fiddled with it running it through my fingers.
“He gave it to me, after the Yule ball. We had this big argument that I won’t go into, but a couple of days after, he gave it to me and said that..” I started to cry a little at the message he was trying to send, but it wasn’t sadness, it was more from anger. “He said that he would spend every day for the rest of his life regretting his mistake.” I chucked the necklace down and ran my hands over my face. I didn’t forgive him. I also don’t understand how this would help with my journey to recovery. It was an apology, I get it. But no one could apologise enough for what he did to me. Draco looked at the necklace frowning.
“So this is some sort of an apology?” I nodded and his face contorted into a grimace. I looked back at the screen seeing Alya was a little restless. I sniffed and went up to her room and hushed her back to sleep, then led down next to her crib staring at the ceiling. Theo had enchanted it to be like the night sky, full of constellations and shooting stars. It was beautiful and calming and she held onto my finger through the crib as she slept. I don’t know how long I was led there before Theo popped his head round the door. I checked over her once more seeing she was safe and left to go to our room.
“Sorry for not coming back down. I just couldn't let that feeling go.”
“Seeing that package and talking about him probably triggered something in you. You want to protect her, and that’s normal.” Theo ran his finger over my cheek. “Also you never have to apologise for wanting to protect or spend time with our daughter. Not ever.” I nodded and Draco sat on the bed.
“Will you forgive him, do you think?” I shook my head and got angry at recounting what could have happened.
“No one could ever apologise enough, for doing what he did. He put our daughter in danger. She’s the most precious and important thing to me in the entire world, and he could have taken her away. Someone who used to protect me, who claimed he loved me, put mine and her life on the line. Then he made me have to go through hell once more to recover from it. So no, I don’t think I ever could." I was getting so wound up. "But that also doesn’t mean, that I don’t want him to find peace. I just hope he remembers, who really saved his life that day because if it weren't for you both then...” Theo extended his arm to me and pulled me in.
“Hermione, try and relax. Alya is fine, it was a bullshit apology and it’s not worth your anger or energy. We’re okay.”
Year two
It was a few months before Alyas second birthday and we had just got home after having visited Albus for the first time. It wasn't in their plans to have another child just yet but he was a welcome surprise to them.
"He was so cute! I can't believe they had another so soon."
"Yeah he was but from what Ginny said it sounds like the birth was slightly more complicated than with James. Doesn't sound like it was a good experience." They both looked at me their expressions unreadable.
"Do you think you wouldn't want another one?" I did want another one. I have for a while but I never brought it up because I was concerned they would say no, or feel pressured to say yes. I shrugged.
"I have been thinking about it for a while, and I do want another one." Draco frowned.
"Why didn't you say sooner?"
"I never brought it up because I was concerned you would say no." They laughed a little making me smile. "What?"
"We literally said the same thing. We've spoke about it with each other but never wanted to bring it up with you in case you felt obligated to say yes or something." I laughed and walked forward hugging them both. "I dunno why we have all just decided we couldn't discuss this but I'm glad we have now."
"Me too. So do we really wanna do this?" Me and Draco nodded and Theo thought for a second. "Okay but can I just say I feel like Draco should be the biological Father to this one." I looked to Draco shrugging.
"I don't mind either way."
"Me either. It makes no difference to me Theo."
"I know and it doesn't to me either but I just think it's only fair. Besides you shouldn't complain, it means you get to have regular sex." Draco laughed.
"Okay, if that's what you really want I will not complain."
"Don't worry babe, I'll be sure you get something in the meantime."
"Well in that case, I will be out in the garden with Alya. Happy shagging." He winked and left making us both laugh before Draco picked me up taking me upstairs.
We had been trying for six weeks now and still nothing. I knew it would happen, but Draco was impatient. We had all had an argument about it a couple weeks ago, Draco saying he just wanted to give up trying and told Theo to be the biological Dad instead but we told him he was being impatient and that he needs to give it more time to which he finally came around. I slept in quite late and felt a bit off this morning. Could I be? I went to the bathroom and did a test and saw the two lines appear. I'll wait to tell them later when Alyas in bed. I had to go out anyway so I'll pick up a blanket to wrap and give them to break the news.
Theo was putting her to bed and Draco was sat in the living room sipping on a drink.
"Hey, you okay?" He pulled me down onto his lap and gave me a sad look. "What's wrong?"
"Hermione I don't think it's gonna happen." I sighed and he shook his head. "It clearly isn't. Lets face the facts and just accept I will not be getting you pregnant."
"Draco I am not doing this with you again. You're being impatient, and you need to stop."
"Don't pretend like you don't think the same too Hermione." I scoffed and stood up angrily. "You've been acting weird all day. I can sense there is something is going on, so if it's not that then what is it?"
"Nothing is going on." He tilt his had to the side tongue in cheek. I never could lie to him. He put his glass down and stood up agitated.
"You're literally lying to me right now. Just tell me the truth." I groaned and Theo came in frowning between us.
"What's going on?"
"I honestly have no idea." Draco looked back to me. "Whats going on?" I sighed frustrated and left the room pushing past Theo to go and get the blanket. "Oh good, now she's walking away." I rolled my eyes and overheard him tell Theo what we had been discussing. I came back in and gave Draco the bag and sat down on the sofa in a mood. "What's this?" I didn't respond, just stared at him. He sighed and opened it holding the blanket in his hands seemingly confused. Theo took it from him and after a few more seconds looked at me smiling.
"You're pregnant?" I smiled nodding and stood up hugging him. "Aw that's great sweetheart!" He kissed my head and we both turned back to Draco who pinched the bridge of his nose as I hit his arm lightly.
"You are so impatient!"
"I know. I'm sorry darling, that's amazing." He hugged me and laughed. "You never could lie to me." I shook my head and he squeezed me tighter as Theo hugged us both. Come the end of April the next year, we brought home Leo Michael Fenwick. Draco chose the first name after a constellation saying he wanted to keep that tradition in the family, and Theo chose the second after my Dad. He was a few months old and had Dracos platinum hair, though his skin wasn't as pale and his eyes were darker than Dracos.
Theo was holding him stood in the kitchen while he cooked and Alya tapped his leg.
"Yes baby girl?" She stretched her arms up to him as me and Draco rolled our eyes. She was really jealous and possessive whenever Draco or Theo was holding him. Theo laughed and squat down picking her up in his other arm. "She's so jealous."
"I think she gets it from her Mother." They both looked at me and I gasped.
"She does not!"
"I have one word for you darling, Alessandra." I scoffed and pointed at Draco.
"Don't say that name in my house, in front of my children. Shame on you." They laughed and I took Alya from Theo and took her outside to play in the garden.
Year Three
I was led in Alyas bed with her trying to calm her down. She had woke up crying so many times I had lost count. She just wanted Theo and I couldn’t help her. He was away for work and coming home tomorrow but she had been like it the whole time he was gone which would be three days tomorrow. Whenever either of them were gone, or even worse both of them, she would act up, not do as she was told, wouldn’t sleep well and was just all around difficult. I was in here because Draco had work tomorrow and I wanted him to sleep, I just hoped Leo wouldn’t wake up. I picked her up and cuddled her trying my best to soothe her. She was talking through her cries saying the same thing over and over.
“I want Daddy.”
“I know but he will be back tomorrow I promise.” Another half an hour passed and still nothing. Draco came in and I gave him an apologetic look. “I’m sorry she just won’t settle.” He nodded sleepily and took her from me going to our room and put her on the bed as she continued to cry. He walked into Theo’s closet and brought out a jumper he had worn and gave it to her which actually seemed to calm her a little. He got back in and cuddled her up as she held the jumper to her face still crying slightly but not as bad. I climbed in with them and lay down hoping she’d sleep a little.
“Shh come on baby girl go to sleep. He’ll be back tomorrow.” She sniffed and nuzzled more into Dracos chest clutching the jumper.
“Alya I won’t ask you again.” Draco was crouched down to her height as she pouted. “Clean them away now.”
“But Daddy I…”
“No. Do it now.” Alya sighed turning toward her toys to clear them away and looked exactly like me when I was being a pain in the ass. I didn’t smile but it was difficult not to. Draco stood up and walked toward me smiling. “Reminds me of someone else. He should be home soon, and then we can actually sleep tonight.” It was around half five and the plane was due to come in at four. Draco was so tired after last night and a long day today, I felt so bad for him.
“I’m so sorry you didn’t sleep well. At least it’s Saturday tomorrow and I promise you can lie in.”
“With a bit of luck we both can and Theo will have the kids. Speak of the devil." He came through the door and put his suitcase down Alya abandoning her chore and ran straight to him.
“Hey baby girl! I missed you so much!” He gave her a huge hug and she was grinning ear to ear. “Have you been good?” He already knew she hadn’t seeing as we spoke on the phone a couple nights ago. She nodded and me and Draco both scoffed as Theo gave us a knowing look.
“Alya can you go finish tidying your toys? You can hug Daddy all you want afterwards.” She wriggled down from Theos arms and went to finish what she started. “Thank you.” Theo walked toward us and had a sad look.
“Aw you look so tired. Has she been really bad?” We nodded and Theo looked in on her confused. “I dunno why she does it.” He pulled me in toward him giving me a hug.
“She hardly slept at all. I had to give her one of your jumpers last night which helped a little, but all she wanted was you.”
“Unless you’re gone and then all she wants is you. We’ve had to stop both going away at the same time because she’s near enough impossible.” Theo said confused. “Maybe we should talk to her try and find out why.”
“I know why. I spoke to her this morning while you were in the shower and she said I’m scared they’ll leave us and not come back. I don’t think she quite understands that you’ll come back after a few days.” Both their faces dropped.
“Should we stop going away?”
“No. You can’t not do something just because she doesn’t like it. I know you both hate her to be sad but she will learn one day that you’ll always come back. Please don’t stop. She has to learn.” They still seemed unsure. “Talk to her about it by all means, if you think it will help. She said I could tell you.” Theo and Draco both looked at her and walked in sitting on the floor. Draco wiggled his finger at her speaking gently.
“Hey you, come here.” She smiled and sat on his lap her legs going over onto Theos a little bit. Theo held her hands in his and she played with his rings.
“So Mummy just told us you’re scared we won’t come back if we need to go away for work. Is that true?” Alya looked down and they looked heartbroken.
“I’m scared you will leave.” Theo ran his finger over her cheek gently.
“Look at me baby.” Alya met her eyes with Theo’s. “Me and Daddy would never leave you Alya. We love you so much. We might have to go away for work sometimes but we will always come back to you.” She moved her gaze from them to me and back to Theo.
“And Mummy?” My heart swelled at the fact she was asking about me.
“We will always come back to you, and Mummy.”
“We won’t ever leave you. Okay?” She smiled and nodded before she rest her head on Dracos chest closing her eyes.
“Okay.” After dinner Alya crashed straight away on Theo as we all lounged in the living room. He was smiling down at her fondly as I was led out on one of the sofas and Draco was sat the other end of Theo’s.
“She's so tired. Completely passed out”
“I know the feeling.” Draco said his head rested back with his eyes closed. I hummed in response because I couldn’t be bothered to speak.
“Why don’t you both go to bed? I’ll sort her out and not that she will but I’ll get up if she wakes up in the night and I’ll wake up with her and Leo tomorrow.” Me and Draco both looked at him to make sure. “Go on, I’ll be up in a few hours seeing as it’s only… 7:47pm. You’re both so old.” He winked and we both scoffed making our way upstairs. As soon as we got in bed, we were asleep.
Year Four
Narcissa died two days ago and Draco hadn’t really come out of the office since. Alya had missed him a lot and was constantly asking for him, Leo was always hanging around the office for him. Theo was in there with him and as he came out Leo went to run in.
“Leo no, you know you’re not allowed in there.” Theo shooed him away from the office closing the door behind him and locked it as he came out. He looked sad and reached his hands toward the door. Him and Alya had been stood outside it for about an hour just waiting. Every time we pulled them away to play or eat, they’d do so for a few minutes then go back.
“Why is Daddy not coming out?” Theo gave her a sad smile and crouched down to her height.
“He’s busy baby. He’ll come out soon.” She sighed and Leo started to cry and shout for Draco as Theo picked him up and tried to sooth him. I sighed and walked to them and put my hand on his head smoothing his hair.
“He still doesn’t want to come out?”
“No. I couldn’t convince him to eat either. He doesn't know how to feel. I didn't tell him about the kids, I didn't want him to feel guilty for needing time to grieve." I nodded and Leo continued to cry not letting up at all. A few minutes later the office door opened and Draco took him from Theo and he calmed instantly. He sat down on the sofa and Alya climbed up sitting with them.
"I missed you Daddy."
“I’m sorry baby girl. I’m sorry.” He sounded like he was fighting back tears, looking tired and looked disappointed in himself. He stopped and took a deep breath then shook his head. “I didn’t realise they were so upset. You should have told me.”
“I’m sorry, we didn’t tell you just in case you felt obligated to..”
“It’s okay. I don’t blame you. I’m sorry to you both for just disappearing like that too. I just don’t know how to feel.”
“You needed time love and that’s okay, but please don’t go back in. Talk to us.”
"I'll talk to you both later when they're asleep. But thank you." We nodded and me and Theo sat on the other sofa watching on as Leo lay on his chest playing with his shirt and Alya was resting her head on his arm. Theo whispered to me as we watched.
"I could literally sit and watch this all day. I want to thank you Hermione. You've taught me what unconditional love is. I never used to think that I would have a purpose in this world, but you've given me those two beautiful children, you've given me your heart and I have Draco. You are all my reason for being here. You are the reason I have anything to live for, anything to work for, and I can't thank you enough. I love you sweetheart." He kissed me on the head making me cry a little. "Aw I'm sorry I didn't wanna make you cry." I laughed through my tears and shook my head.
"It's okay. Thank you, for saying that. I love you too. So much." I hugged him and wiped my tears leaning into his embrace. If someone had told me, that on the first day back at Hogwarts for my eighth year that this would be my life in five years I probably would have called them insane. I have never been so happy, so in love, so content. I had everything I would ever want within these four walls. I will be forever grateful for them both, and I couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life being this happy.