Memories of a Broken Heart
James was going into full planning mode like he used to do back when he was in Hogwarts. But this time it wasn't for a prank, this time it was for Sirius. This time it felt like his own life depended on it. He was desperate to make it work. Nothing else had mattered more than this.
James checked The Daily Prophet frequently, and he had gotten his hands on the ones he had missed. The ones that had some news about Sirius. Even though he knew that some of them might be worthless, he collected and read them over and over again nonetheless. He could be everywhere, but if James knew Sirius even a little bit he'd know the places where he could hide. And he did know Sirius, more than he knew himself.
Sirius had always been interested in muggle culture. He was more fascinated by the music and art made by muggles, in whichever form it came, more than he was fascinated by the wizarding ones. He even read more muggle books than wizarding books. Mind you, he didn't really read a lot, to begin with, but still. It has a strange kind of magic to it, doesn't it? he'd say. James knew that part of this fascination was the rebel inside him, the need to disagree with everything his family stood for. But it gave James a picture of where he could hide.
James started to go over every single place that meant something to them in his head and wrote them down. He was pacing up and down the living room, coffee in his hand, wand behind his ear, trying to eliminate the places that wouldn't be practical for hiding. James hadn't felt so passionate about anything he did ever before. Sure getting Lily to agree to be his girlfriend, and then marrying her was very important to him. But his life didn't depend on it. This felt so much more urgent. It even took his mind off of Lily, he was solemnly focused on finding and helping Sirius. And yes, he did miss her. Not only her but also Harry. But this situation with Sirius had an urgency to it, that neither of the other two had. Lily would still be in the hospital tomorrow, and Harry would still be safely in Hogwarts. Sirius was all he could focus on right now.
James decided to act instead of wasting more time at home, trying to figure out where Sirius would most likely be. He would go and look at all those places anyway, sitting at home and planning had made him restless. He felt like he was doing nothing at all. Now it was time to act. So James took his notes and started visiting the places. He was so hopeful, he just knew Sirius too well. And he'd recognize Padfoot from a thousand miles away.
James decided to take one of those muggle buses. He didn’t want to attract attention to himself by using the Knight Bus, nor did he want to deal with the attention of being a very much alive James Potter, after twelve years. He found his way to the bus station, after struggling for a while. He looked at all the buses and his mouth fell open. How am I supposed to know which bus to get? How will I know where it'll lead me? Why are muggles so complicated? James sighed. He took his glasses off and rubbed his temple. He looked around for a while, and then he saw a couple of people in uniforms. He just observed for a while and noticed that they're the ones that drive the buses. So after a while, he walked up to one of them and asked how to get to where he wanted to go. After they explained it and showed him the bus, he stepped in and waited patiently.
When the bus finally stopped he stepped out and saw that he wasn't where he was supposed to be. He wasn't even near. James waited for another bus to come and told the chauffeur where he needed to be. He was informed that he was on the wrong side, and had to cross the road to get the right bus. James made his way across and huffed in annoyance that he had to wait another twenty minutes before the bus finally came. When he finally stepped out again and saw that he was near the garage, he sighed in relief.
His family owned the garage, they had used it to store stuff, but more importantly, they had used it to store Sirius' motorcycle. Sirius couldn't take his motorcycle home so the plan was to buy a garage nearby, so if Sirius ever felt the need to get away from there as fast as possible, he could always come here and grab the motorcycle. James smirked. He knew Sirius had abused the situation. It was just who he was, all three of the Potters knew this but they didn't care. It gave Sirius a way out, if it was forever with the Potters or just for a couple of hours with a friend, well that didn't really matter. Everything in this particular situation was a win for the Potters. The garage was rather big and you'd have no problem living in it if you had no other choice. So James thought he could come across a big black dog or a man in his thirties. To his disappointment, he didn't see either of those things.
The next place James went was a park, Sirius and James had played this muggle game (Lily showed them) called basketball there. James thought it would be easy; he was so utterly wrong...
"I bet ten galleons on you failing utterly to make a goal," Sirius said.
"But Black, can you afford to lose ten galleons?"
"You're overly confident for someone who didn't know what to do with the ball. And I'll let you know that while I am a disinherited heir, I'm also the favourite nephew of my childless uncle," Sirius grinned.
"I'm the best chaser this century has ever seen, I think I can throw a ball in a hoop," James said arrogantly.
So he threw the ball, and of course, missed it. Sirius was laughing hard, after seeing James attempt to score but fail six times.
"Well, you did something to it!" James had said.
"You mean I cheated? You wound me, Potter. I would never," Sirius smirked.
They had begun to fight playfully. After a while they were just lying on the ground, trying to breathe from all the laughing. They were happy.
James had a sad smile on his face. He just wanted his best friend back. Even if he couldn't fix anything else in his life right now, he would fix this. He would do anything to fix this. He sat on the bench, trying very hard to fight back the tears. I shouldn't be upset of course he's not here. Why would he sleep outside? He sighed. He refused to let his hopes go down. This was a little setback, but he would find Sirius eventually.
James was just wandering in London, looking at all the places he knew meant something to Sirius. He came across a restaurant that he had visited years ago. Sirius had brought Mary with him. At some point, James, Remus, and Peter had left so Sirius and Mary could have a date. Remus didn't seem too happy about that. Though at the time James thought it was because the full moon was near. He chuckled at the thought.
Many hours and many places later James decided to call it quits for the day. He was too exhausted and he didn't think he'd be much use to Sirius or himself if he pushed himself more than he already had. So he took the bus back home. He could've apparated home, or at least somewhere nearby, but James still felt rather weak. It wouldn't be smart to risk getting splinched. When he finally arrived home, he went straight to bed, without even changing his clothes, and fell asleep almost immediately.
James woke up, got some coffee, hastily made and ate his breakfast, and found himself outside again. He felt like he'd searched entire London, without luck. He was getting more and more frustrated by the day.
Many days had passed and James had looked at many places, unfortunately without luck. He had begun to feel hopeless and desperate. He hadn't found any sign of his friend and he felt like he was nowhere near finding him. He, however, continued his search with even more determination than before. James didn't care he had spent days worth of searching without any result, he would search the entire world thrice if he had to. But what did upset him was not knowing where and how Sirius was. He didn't care about the time spent searching, he'd do anything for Sirius, just like he knew Sirius would do anything for him. He missed him deeply, and he couldn't even begin to imagine how much Sirius must've missed him.
James decided to go to the forest that was nearest to his family home. He remembered coming here with Sirius in the summers. They'd transform into Padfoot and Prongs and just play for hours. They had convinced Remus and Peter to come along once, and they had the time of their lives. It was hard to persuade Remus at first, but he gave in eventually. In the end, Remus was glad he came. He remembered just running around as Prongs and Padfoot, while Remus was sitting on a blanket, and Wormtail was hanging on on Prongs' antlers, clinging to dear life. He remembered falling beside Remus, along with Sirius, and just laughing out loud while simultaneously trying to catch his breath. He remembered feeling happy and at peace with these three boys, whom he called his best friends, his brothers. How time had changed... But James would get all of that back, even if it was without Peter. The Marauders were family, and they wouldn't stop being one because of a traitor. The Marauders would always continue to be the Marauders, with or without Peter. They didn't need him, not really. That bond between the three of them could never break.
James walked in the forest. He was surrounded by trees and it made him happy. It made him think of the forbidden forest, and all the nights he spent in it with his friends. The sun was high and leaves were falling. It was autumn and the forest highlighted that fact beautifully. James stepped on the leaves on the ground and they made a crunchy sound. That always had satisfied him immensely. He walked up towards a tree, where he and his friends had carved their names out. It read; 'Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs were here' . He sat down beneath the tree. He looked around, and he remembered all their best memories in this forest. James felt at peace beneath this tree. He used to come to this forest with his parents when he was really little, and later he had come with his best friends.
"Did you see Pete's face? It looked like he was about to die," Sirius roared with laughter.
"Very funny," Peter had exclaimed. He looked mockingly annoyed with Sirius. Sirius however did not care.
"Guys, stop bickering for a moment and look up," James had said.
It was dark, and you could see the stars very clearly.
"Like having to deal with one Sirius wasn't enough, here we have a second one," Remus chuckled.
"Oi! You know you love me," Sirius had said. Remus looked up at Sirius, blushing, he smiled.
James looked sideways to where Remus and Sirius were lying beside him. They were just staring at each other, big grins on each of their faces. James thought it would be a good idea to give them some alone time.
"Come on Pete, let's explore the forest a bit more," he said, turning to the shortest Marauder.
"We could just sit here you know," Peter had said.
James glared at him intently and turned his gaze to Remus and Sirius, and then back to Peter.
"No, I'm bored. We're going. Just you and me Pete, come on it'll be fun." he said, and stood up. Peter stood up as well and off he went. When James looked at Sirius, he saw his friend mouthing the words 'thank you', he just smiled and nodded at him. He caught up with Wormtail, and he looked back at Remus and Sirius and saw that they were kissing. He smiled and walked ahead.
James may have sat there for hours, he didn't know. So many happy memories came to his mind, it only made the current situation worse. Sirius being a fugitive, Remus being alone for twelve years, Peter and his betrayal. The happier the memories James remembered were, the sadder James became.
He just wandered in the forest for a while. Trying to look out for a black dog, or a man with long black hair. He saw neither. He searched on for a while anyway, and when he was certain Sirius wasn't in the forest, he went back home.
James was starting to feel really restless, weeks had gone by and there still wasn't a sign of Sirius. It felt like he'd vanished, or that he had ceased to exist. James however was still determined and kept searching high and low.
He came across a bookshop and remembered the place the second he saw it. James and Sirius had gone there to buy Remus a book. They had a summer vacation and Remus and Sirius were together. Sirius had wanted to buy Remus a book. James went inside and looked around.
"We have to find the perfect book, Prongs!" Sirius had exclaimed.
James had rolled his eyes. "Any book is the perfect book for Moony, just pick one and go."
Sirius obviously hadn't listened, they spent hours in the bookshop trying to find a book for Remus. There was a lot of grumbling on James' part. Sirius ultimately had settled on 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'.
"Because Moony loves chocolate so much!" Sirius grinned.
"Can I help you?" a woman who probably worked there asked.
"Oh no, I'm just looking, thank you."
James looked around and decided that he would buy a book. Not for himself, but for Remus. He bought Animal Farm and East of Eden for him because James thought he might like them. Even if he didn't like them, it would show Remus that he had thought of him, and he knew that to Remus, that was the best gift you could give. His eyes had found The Three Musketeers, which James immediately grabbed and bought as well. It was fitting, he thought, the characters in the book were the Three Musketeers, and they were the Marauders, the Three Marauders. Three best friends who would kill and get killed for each other, without a second’s hesitation. ‘All for one and one for all’ that was what it was like to be a Marauder. After a moment's consideration he bought the book for himself as well. He had never read it before, only heard about them. He thought about buying it for Sirius, so he could give it when he found him, but then settled on not buying it, since he thought Sirius probably wouldn't read it anyway.
James left the bookstore, took the books home, and sat on the sofa. He grabbed his list and looked if there were any places left that he didn't look. There weren't. James thought about if there were any places he had forgotten altogether. That didn't really seem to be an option, but James thought it couldn't hurt to look at all these places all over again. And so he did and he had as much luck as he had the first time.
No dog. No Sirius.
He was just wandering around London again when he saw a cinema. Remus had told them much about these places and they had decided to go. They went without Peter because he was on vacation with his parents. The boys went to a James Bond movie and Sirius became so obsessed with it that they went and saw it again, the same exact day. James chuckled. He wondered which movies were playing in the cinemas recently and vowed that he'd take Sirius when he found him.
James kept walking, without a goal in sight, without a final destination, just walking until he miraculously would walk right into Sirius. It wasn't likely, but it was the best option he had at this point. He was feeling hopeless, desperate, and helpless. He wanted nothing more than to find Sirius, to hug him, and to know that he was safe and well. To be there for each other, knowing that no one had been there for them for twelve years. To know that the second they saw each other, that would change. To know that no matter what was going on around them and inside of them, they would always have each other, no matter what.
James was still wandering around, occasionally seeing places he remembered. If the ministry found him, I'd know where he is and I could break him out, James thought after a while. Wait no, I don't know for sure if I could break him out. Better not to risk anything. He kept walking, occasionally turning around to see the face of that guy with long black hair again. But none of them was his best friend. James felt on the verge of tears, he couldn't take it anymore. The unknown was too much for him. Not knowing where Sirius was, not knowing if he was safe, not knowing if he was well, not knowing if he had anything to eat, not knowing anything at all… It all became too much.
James was still walking for what felt like hours. There were a lot of people around him, and he couldn't help but realise how beautiful London actually was. He hadn't paid it much attention because of Sirius, but oh god it was beautiful. Sirius was right, there truly was something magical about the muggles. The houses looked old, but they were incredibly beautiful. He looked ahead of him, marvelling at the view while simultaneously keeping an eye out for Sirius. At this point, he was begging Merlin, and any other higher being to reunite him with his best friend. A sign, any sign at all would at this point make him the happiest man alive. He so desperately wanted to be done with all of this. He didn't care for the looking and searching, don't get it wrong, he was done with the absence of Sirius. It had felt like they had never been apart for this long before. Obviously, James didn't count the twelve years. Since the day they met, they had been inseparable, and now whatever he did he felt like he had made no progress at all, he was no closer to finding Sirius than he was weeks ago. Sirius was there for James at times when no one else was, and James was there for Sirius. Even if they couldn't physically be with each other they always had ways to communicate. They would send each other letters, and later on, they would talk through their mirror. But they never did not talk to each other. So this was all a bit too much and a bit too difficult for James.
He continued to look around, he saw buses riding, people laughing, children running. He saw happy people all around him. He saw an ice cream shop "Mummy, mummy, please just one ice cream!" James could hear a kid yell. He was glancing at a toy store, (all the things I could've bought for Harry) when he thought he noticed something. He increased his pace. Whatever he noticed ran as well. It felt like he'd been on the chase for minutes when it finally stopped. And there it was.
He found himself staring at a big black dog, and the dog stared back.