Just Come Home
James closed his eyes for a while, not believing his luck. Could it really be? Could this be Sirius? He opened his eyes again and looked at the dog a bit more. James notices the dog had a bit of white fur on the back of his right forefoot. This wasn’t Sirius, Sirius was black all over. This was just a normal dog. This dog wasn’t Padfoot. James felt his heart shatter. He had been sure this was it, this was the moment, he’d no longer be alone anymore. He wouldn't be alone in all this craziness, he would’ve had Sirius again.
This is not Sirius. This is just a stupid black dog, he thought.
James sank to his knees. All he wanted was to find Sirius, that shouldn’t be something too much to ask. It wasn’t a difficult request, not at all. It was really rather simple in James’ opinion. So then why, why couldn’t he succeed? Why did it feel like everything he did was pointless?
A woman approached James and put a hand on his shoulder. James flinched. “Sir, are you alright?” James looked up and saw big blue eyes looking at him. He couldn’t answer her. Not because he didn’t want to, but because he wasn’t able to. It felt like he was choking. He started becoming a bit dizzy and felt like the earth was slipping beneath his feet. Just like he felt everything else was slipping away from him; his wife, his son, his best friend. Was he having a heart attack? Or was he just panicking? He realized that he was hyperventilating but he didn’t seem to be able to stop. No matter how much he tried to breathe though, he didn’t seem to succeed. The more he tried the more he choked.
Just calm down and count till ten, he thought.
1. James thought about Harry, Lily and Sirius and how they needed his help. How he couldn’t be any use to them if he were to panic and break down.
2. He felt like he was going to fall over, but he tried his hardest not to. It was somewhat working. James could be stubborn when he wanted to.
3. He heard faint voices around him but couldn’t make out what anyone was saying. It all sounded like mumbles. Faint whispers from a faraway country. He saw them speaking, their mouths were clearly moving, but James didn't hear anything.
4. People didn’t seem to realise that they were only making the situation worse. He needed more space, not less. It felt like everything and everyone was coming at him. He couldn't breathe properly, no matter the amount of oxygen that was entering his lungs, it always felt just not enough. He desperately wanted everyone to go, thinking they were the reason that he couldn't get enough oxygen. He was suffocating, but no one seemed to realise.
5. James felt like he was letting everyone down, even though no one had seen him yet. Wasn’t that worse? Letting them down before lifting them up. It was James’ biggest fear; not being able to help the ones he loved most. It’s why he became an animagus when he was just 15. He couldn’t bear the thought of Remus suffering while he just sat there, witnessing the torture his best friend went through, every single month leading up to the full moon. He couldn’t bear not doing anything while he knew that he could help.
6. More and more people came and James wanted to yell, to scream. He wanted to tell them to leave him alone, to give him some space to breathe. But he couldn’t. He failed at that as well. James felt tired.
7. It was hard to think positive while everything around him screamed negativity. James knew he was just panicking, he knew he wouldn’t die, but he still couldn’t stop this feeling. The feeling of death coming nearer and nearer, grabbing him by the feet and dragging him with it. He couldn’t resist the feeling of hopelessness that threatened to consume his entire being. He felt lost.
8. “Sir, it’s alright. Help is on its way,” James heard a voice say. But it wasn’t alright. Nothing was alright. No one could help him, and he couldn’t help the ones that needed him most.
9. James wanted to transform into Prongs and bolt out of this situation. He didn’t want anyone’s pity and he thought he could take care of himself. He hoped that wherever Padfoot was, he would sense Prongs’ presence and come looking for him. But James couldn’t even breathe properly, let alone transform into an animal and run away. He felt weak.
10. James saw the world darken in front of his eyes, and then he was gone.
James opened his eyes to a man bending over looking at him. He held a flashlight, which was kind of like a muggle wand solemnly for the spell lumos, but instead of saying lumos they just pressed a button, he held it to his eyes. James flinched yet again and sat straight. “I’m– I’m fine,” he mumbled. The guy, presumably a muggle doctor, James thought, didn’t seem like he wanted to let James go. James looked around him and saw that everyone was still staring at him, though this time from a farther distance. When he looked a bit to his right he could see an ambulance a bit further away. James looked back at the muggle doctor or nurse and stood up without listening to anyone. He ran away as fast as he could. He couldn’t afford a trip to the hospital, everyone still thought he was dead and they would ask too many questions and it would all just be a chaotic mess. No, James thought, he could handle this by himself.
It took a while before he was sure he got rid of everyone. James didn’t like it when people pitied him, he’s perfectly capable of handling whatever life throws at him on his own. Or with his friends. Or his wife. Regardless, James was fine.
He decided it was time to look at places in the Wizarding World. He had wasted enough time in the Muggle world. First though he thought it would be a good idea to go home, he had to rest. He had to make sure he wasn’t burning himself out, he didn’t want to have another moment like that.
After James went home he took a shower, grabbed a bite, and went to bed. He woke up the next morning and wanted to shower again. That always made him relax a bit. After he was done, he went to the kitchen and prepared himself breakfast. He was kind of craving pancakes, so he made that. His mother used to make the best pancakes during breakfast. He knew the recipe, but no matter what he did, it could never live up to the pancakes of Euphemia Potter. Hers were simply extraordinary, there was no way competing with it. James missed his mother terribly. While eating his breakfast he started to think of the possible Wizarding Places that Sirius Black could be at. At the end James thought the only two places were probably Diagon Alley or Hogsmeade. Since they were the most familiar with those places.
James felt confident, he was going to find him this time. There was no other place left anyway, he had to be at any of these places. James was filled with hope again. He couldn’t wait for a Marauders reunion once more. They deserved to be together–no they were destined to be together. Remus, Sirius and James were like pieces of the same puzzle, without one another they were incomplete. It was just wrong to leave the separate pieces on their own, they finished each other off. Perhaps they were flawed as individuals, but as a group they were just perfect, they were soulmates, they were meant to be. They were as meant to be as James was meant to be with Lily, as meant to be as a father and a mother were meant to be with their child, as meant to be as oxygen was to life. James simply could not picture a life without Sirius Black and Remus Lupin.
The first place that James wanted to visit was Hogsmeade, and in particular the Shrieking Shack. Only James, Remus, Peter and Sirius knew the truth about that place. How it wasn’t haunted and how it became a sort of safe place for Moony. Remus never liked going to that place, but after the boys became animagi for him, it quickly became one of his favourite places. And this wasn’t only the case for Remus, but also for James. And James knew that this also applied to Sirius. That place was first filled with Remus’ worst nightmares, but quickly became a place full of fun, joy and friendship. Moony the werewolf loved Padfoot and Prongs, just like Remus the person loved his friends dearly. James thought it was possible for Sirius to go back to the place they spent so much time in, running around and playing with Moony. The safe place that the Marauders had created for Moony. James thought Sirius would appreciate the nostalgia that place brought to him. He also thought that it was likely he’d want to stay there for Harry, since it literally had a tunnel that led to Hogwarts.
And so that’s what James did. James wanted to apparate to Hogsmeade since he didn’t know any other way to go to the magical place except for using the Floo Network. But James didn’t think it would be a good idea to randomly appear in a fireplace in a magical community with people who thought him to be dead. So he decided it was best to first practice it in short distances to not risk getting splinched. James had to go out of his house, since like Hogwarts, there was no way of apparating in or out the Potter Manor. He walked to the edge of his yard where the apparating charm wore off and apparated two houses down. His limbs still intact, he then decided to apparate to the end of the street. Little by little, he travelled further distances until he decided it was finally safe enough for him to go to Hogsmeade without any difficulty. James first casted the Disillusionment Charm on himself, and then apparated to a safe place that was about five to ten minutes away from Hogsmeade at a walking distance.
James arrived at Hogsmeade, his Disillusionment Charm still effective. James knew that Dumbledore could be invisible without a cloak, and made a mental note to ask the old wizard about it when he finally met up with him after all these years. But for now he had to do with the Disillusionment Charm. Thankfully not a lot of people were looking at his direction, so his trip to the Shrieking Shack was rather uneventful. He did see some stores that he wanted to visit after everything was over. He wanted to get butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks, some joke supplies at Zonko’s, chocolate at Honeydukes. He looked at all these places with a sad smile on his face. It had been more than a decade since he was here last time. And yet nothing had changed in James’ opinion. The only thing that had changed was the atmosphere. No one seemed to be restless or scared. No one seemed too worried. James was glad for the change, the change that came with the downfall of Voldemort. Halloween 1981 had not brought much good to the Potters, or their close friends, but as James looked around him he realized that the holiday that was a curse to him and his loved ones, was a blessing for everyone else. While it had probably haunted his friends for all these years, it had brought everyone else peace. Halloween meant sadness for James’ chosen family, but it meant happiness to everyone else. James had failed to realize that before. But he could now see it plainly on everyone’s face. They were really truly happy.
James walked up to the Shrieking Shack and when he finally made his way inside he started to look at every single room. Almost every room had its own story. James could see traces of his past, traces of Moony, Padfoot and Prongs. Some of them were good, others bad. Though none of them were traces of regret. He was proud of every single one of them. They were all traces of friendship and companionship. Traces of love and acceptance. Something that James knew Remus didn't have before, and he was more than glad to have been the one to give it to him. As James progressed his way up, he finally stood before the room where it all began. The room where Remus would transform into his werewolf counterpart every single month, and the room where Moony would rest after transforming back to Remus. He remembered the first time that they came with him. Remus had been so anxious, he had been scared to death that he would harm any of his friends. But James, Sirius and Peter knew what they had gotten themselves into. They knew the consequences, and they had more than gladly accepted them. They would do anything for Remus. They would do anything to make sure that his transformations were as less painful as possible. And they didn't care if they got hurt in the process. Compared to what Remus went through every single month, what was a couple of scratches?
“I still don’t think this is a good idea,” Remus said.
James had sighed. They had had the same conversation a thousand times already.
“Look, Moony. It will be more than okay. We have made escape plans just in case. I promise you, nothing is going to happen, it’s going to be fine,” James said.
Sirius cupped Remus’ face in his hands and made him look at his face.
“Remus, I promise. We know what we’re doing, you won’t harm us.”
Remus had leaned in to the touch but he still seemed sad and unsure. James thought it was unfair, someone as young as Remus shouldn’t have to worry about unconsciously hurting or killing his friends. He hated the way Remus viewed himself. Like he was some kind of dangerous monster. James knew that was far from true. Among the four of them, Remus had always been the least harmful one. James knew there was a difference between Moony the human and Moony the werewolf, but that didn't matter. He knew the werewolf wouldn't harm them, they had done their homework.
Remus had looked at James for a while. James knew what he was thinking about. Remus had told James to escape if anything went wrong and he had made him promise to drag Sirius out of here if necessary. They both knew how stubborn Sirius could be. James had promised to protect Sirius no matter what. Looking at Remus, James nodded.
“I promise, Moony,” he said one more time. “Trust me.”
And they both knew what they were talking about.
James had grabbed Sirius by his arm and made him keep some distance from Remus.
Remus started to pace back and forth, an anxious look on his face. The unease he was feeling was very evident, but above all the panic he was feeling, was the fact that he could potentially kill his three best friends tonight—his three only friends. James felt a bit guilty for putting more stress on his shoulders during the full moon. He figured Remus wouldn't be alright on a good day, and this definitely wasn't a good day, not yet at least. But there was nothing he could do about it, this was for Remus.
Remus’ pacing around the shack continued and he started itching his arm, agitated by the wolf that was so close to coming out. James realized he could never fully understand what his friend was going through every single month, seeing it wasn't enough. This truly was an experience only someone who’d been through it could understand fully. James hated that Remus was one of those people that understood.
Remus stopped abruptly and looked worriedly up at them. “Go! Transform! It’s happening.”
James had transformed and had found a large black dog and a rat at his side. Watching Remus transform for the first time was terrifying. Hearing his screams and his cries, that turned into whines, was heartbreaking. Having just a glimpse of how much pain he could be in was a lot for him.
Remus was whining, hair came out of his body. His entire body was deforming and forming itself again. It wasn’t pretty. It looked incredibly painful, and judging by Remus’, or the wolf’s screams; it was very painful indeed.
After the transformation was done the wolf had looked suspiciously at them. While Remus obviously knew and loved them, Moony had no idea who they were. Prongs and Wormtail had bowed. The wolf eyed Padfoot suspiciously and sniffed him. Padfoot in return rolled on his back and was panting happily, like he didn't have a care in the world, like he wasn’t face to face with a werewolf but with a friend. The wolf had examined Padfoot and after a while it had started licking him. After that, the best night of their lives began. They had played and wrestled playfully with Moony. Though, the best part was that for the first time since he had gotten bitten, Remus hadn’t hurt himself. And he actually remembered a bit of their adventures after he woke up.
Remus had told them it was the best night of his life.
James smiled thinking back at the memory. It was filled with magic.
James looked at all the other rooms in the Shrieking Shack.
Sirius wasn't there.
James continued his search, looking at various places, Sirius or Padfoot was nowhere to be found. But James was hopeful, he could feel it, Sirius was close. So he continued his search with a determination he hadn't had in a while.
He decided it was a good idea to look in the Hogshead as well. Though James doubted Aberforth would help a ‘death eater’, which is what everyone thought he was even though it wasn't true, he would most certainly help out an animal in need. Sirius could've easily gone to his door whining for food, and Aberforth would’ve given that to him, because that was what Aberforth did. The old man always had a soft spot for animals, James and Sirius always liked to think that’s why he liked the Marauders so much, even though he didn't know about them being animagi. James had teased Sirius quite a few times about how he was like his dog counterpart, and how Aberforth would've thought the same. Sirius took that with pride, he liked his dog counterpart very much. It always soothed him in a way no one else could. Was Sirius stressed out? Take him on a walk, let him run wild in the forest as Padfoot, it always did him good.
James transfigured his face before going into the Hogshead, he couldn't risk Aberforth recognizing him, and seeing how much he went there to buy firewhiskey when he was younger, he was sure that Aberforth would indeed remember him immediately.
James stepped in, the pub was quiet and filthy like it always was. Nothing had changed, James had found a strange kind of comfort in that fact.
He approached the bartender and cleared his throat. Aberforth looked up at him.
“Erm, hi, Aberforth. It’s Aberforth, right?” he asked.
Aberforth just looked at him, and after a while he nodded.
For a man who owned a pub, he wasn't very welcoming. But James didn't mind, he never did. You liked the old grumpy man when you really got to know him.
“Could I have a butterbeer, please?” James asked, he didn't want to ask about the dog right away. Besides, even though the butterbeers here were not in the same league as the ones in the Three Broomsticks, butterbeer was butterbeer. He had missed the beverage.
James gave some money. Aberforth took out a filthy glass and filled it with butterbeer. He handed it over to James. He watched him for a while, it almost felt like an interrogation with the way he was looking at James.
“Yes?” James asked.
“I haven't seen you before. Who are you?”
James panicked internally. He hadn't thought to think of a name.
“Erm– Henry, I’m Henry.” James said, deciding to take a different variant of his son’s name.
“Just Henry?” Aberforth asked.
“Erm– Henry Jones.” Jones was the maiden name of Lily’s mother. He thought taking a muggle name would be better than a Wizarding one.
“I’m a muggleborn,” James added, smiling up at Aberforth.
Whatever Aberforth was searching for through his gaze, he dropped it and nodded.
After an awkward while, James decided it was time to bring up Sirius.
“I lost my dog a while ago, you know.” he said suddenly. Aberforth looked up at him. “I was wondering if you might've seen him? He’s a black dog, rather large as well. Have you seen him?”
Aberforth sighed and shook his head. “I’m sorry, Mr. Jones, but I haven't seen your dog.”
James looked disappointed. He’d really hoped that Sirius would be with Aberforth.
“Oh well,” he said, “thanks anyway. I guess I’ll have to look further. Thanks for the butterbeer.”
Aberforth took out a bottle, filled it with butterbeer and gave it to James.
“Here you go, it’s on the house. It’ll keep you warm while searching,” Aberforth said, and he smiled. James thought that was very strange, Aberforth didn't really smile, let alone to strangers. He decided not to dwell on it and took the bottle with gratitude.
“It was good to see you, my boy,” he said.
James’ smile widened. “It was good to see you too, Aberforth,” he answered.
Aberforth smiled yet again, “I hope you’ll find you dog, Jones. I reckon it must've missed you as much as you missed him.”
James smiled and nodded in response, “Thanks,” he said.
He took off and searched various other places, with no luck at all.
It took everything James had in him to not go to Zonko’s or to not pay Rosmerta a visit. He wanted to go so desperately, to not only visit those places, but visit the memories that came with them. James was still utterly bewildered, how could Peter ever betray them like that? Why did he do it, James pondered in his head, why? He wondered if it was something that he or the others did that led Peter to make the decision that he did. But no, it couldn't be. James always had treated him like a brother, and yeah sure, he was always closer to Sirius. But he never showed it, at least he tried not to do that. James still considered him a brother, above all else. Just because he loved Sirius and Remus a little deeper for obvious reasons, but not because he didn't love his brother Peter. He loved all of his friends more than he could describe, and he would've definitely given his life if it meant saving Peter’s. So no matter what happened, nothing could be an excuse for what Peter did, James would've never done it, and therefore neither could they. Even if they had drifted apart, James would've never betrayed Peter, he would've never betrayed the memories and friendship they had together. It was a shame that Peter did.
Hours passed by and James felt like he had looked at every corner and nook in the whole village. He felt at a total loss again. Back to square one. Back to hopelessness.
James was almost in the middle of nowhere, if you didn't count that you could still see the houses and shops very vividly. He was far away so that no one in the village could see him. It was green all around him. He saw the shack, he saw a little kind of cottage, most likely abandoned, and he saw the shops and houses a bit further away. James sank down on his knees, far away from others to see him, and started to weep.
“Sirius,” he sobbed. “Just come home.”
He continued to let tears fall when he felt something against his back. He turned around and saw a big, large, black dog. The dog then morphed into a man, and crouched down before him, staring at him.
“James?”