A Content Day
So...Hanging out with Raphael wasn't as detrimental as I initially assumed. He was unexpectedly quiet throughout our run, only occasionally looking over at me to smile. He somehow made me feel respected. Like he stood up for wanting to be around me and get to know me, but he was still kind enough to accept the boundaries I silently enforced. Raphael stayed a good foot and a half away from me, and he even neglected to disrupt my thoughts as we ran, no matter how much I could tell he was dying to. It made me feel somewhat special. So yeah...It wasn't detrimental at all...It was actually relaxing and comfortable. I might just have to tell him my first name now. I let myself smile at that thought. I hope I didn't turn him off too much with my attitude.
When I get back to the Common Room, the first thing I see is a bored Pansy sitting on Theo's lap. They aren't dating, but they've made it clear they aren't quite just friends either. When Pansy sees me, she automatically gets off of Theo and confronts me. "Finally back, traitor?" She says in a sarcastically babified tone.
"What are you on about this time, Pans?" I tiredly responded.
"Oh, Theo did you hear that? Draco isn't aware of what he did! How sweet! Would you like to tell him or should I?" She retorts. I look past her to Theo, and I see a giant smirk plastered on his face. Typical.
"I seriously don't know what you're on about. Just go ahead and tell me." I've had enough of her dramatics.
This is when Theo stands up, "You told Astoria that Pansy has a crush on Harry Potter!"
I roll my eyes, is this seriously what they're freaking out about? “You have to be joking.” I say.
“Not in the slightest.” Pansy huffs out.
“You can’t believe a word that comes out of Daphne’s mouth, you know. She just wanted to see if you liked him or not. Sorry that you believe I’d actually say something untrue like that…At least I hope it’s untrue. Daphne uses people. That’s sort of her thing.” I tried to explain.
“What if I don’t believe you?” Pansy says, brows furrowed.
“What evidence do you have to prove that I did that? Do you actually like him? I’m just perplexed on how I would even think of anything that bizarre. So, Pansy, got anything to tell me?” I start getting a little fed up. Friends are supposed to trust each other. This is completely ridiculous.
“You’re a dickhead, Malfoy! Pansy, don’t listen to his bullshit mouth.” Theo jumps in.
With this, I make a pissed and disgusted look on my face, “I wasn’t even the one that said anything bad.”
“You did!” Pansy shouts, with tears in her eyes. God, why am I associating myself with dramatic brats?
“I’m not arguing with you right now. I’d like to go to sleep.” I try to dismiss her.
“What?! Are we not friends anymore? One little confrontation and that’s it?”Pansy exclaims.
“You are being too extra for me to deal with right now. I didn’t say anything to Daphne, end of story. And if you are going to call me a ‘traitor’ and a liar, I’m not sure we were real friends in the first place.” I snap.
“Well if that’s how you feel! I only ever hung out with you to get expensive things anyway! You were always just too stupid and naive to notice.” Pansy finishes.
I don’t even want to respond to that, and you know what? I won’t. I know it shouldn’t, but that hurts. I had had a few sleepovers with her before, and I had always enjoyed our time together, even if I thought she was a little out there and annoying. I dealt with her flaws through our friendship, and I can’t believe she would ever say that she didn’t even like me. I was planning on taking her to the Yule Ball too, but I guess that’s impossible now. It’s not that I ever especially liked her or her personality, but she had grown on me. She has always been a part of my life and the girl that was always in the seat right beside me. And of course we had our occasional arguments, but nothing as dramatic as this one. She had never threatened our friendship before this.
I can’t help but feel stupid. How can I let people use me over and over and over and over? This has happened to me too many times. From people I care about, people I love, and still people I don’t care all that much about. It’s so much. What’s so wrong with me to constantly fall victim to being taken advantage of? It’s really not fair.
Once I get in the boys’ dorm, I immediately get in bed and close my curtains. After putting up a silencing charm around myself, I scream. Sometimes I can’t handle all the anxiety I get everyday, especially on a day where two of my friends are accusing me of something I didn’t do. They never believe me, and I don’t understand why. I know there are times where I lose my cool and come off being a psycho-bitch, but never without cause! Never like the way Pansy has. What hurts more is that it was Theo too. When I was younger, Theo was my all-time very favorite best friend. Before Hogwarts, we would spend time together at both of our houses-mainly his. We’d garden together, study, and secretly listen to muggle music together. I know that we stopped being as close during second year, but he’s always been someone I love and trust. I thought that was reciprocated, but apparently not. I feel so stupid to be crying right now, but I can’t help myself. Sometimes I just think I should kill myself and be rid of all this constant drama. It’s every day that I have to hear something new and horrid about myself. I don’t want to deal with it all anymore. Why do people have to be this way?
Piled in emotions, I feel a heaviness through my chest and belly. I just feel so wrong and stupid and alone, and heavy. I want to get it out. Without really thinking, I get up from bed and make my way to the bathroom. I unconsciously lock the door and get on my knees over the toilet. ‘Am I really going to do this?’ I think to myself. Yes, yes I am.
I reach my fingers in the back of my throat and let all of the bad go. The bile that comes out of my body is like voiding myself of all the negative emotions I just had moments ago. It’s strange how a simple action can change one’s emotions like this. I don’t think I’ll complain though, not right now.
When I finally feel empty, inside and out, I wash my hands and brush my teeth. As I look at my reflection in the mirror, I can’t think of any words to describe what I look like. It’s almost unreal. I haven’t really felt myself in a while, I suddenly realize. I thought what was keeping me from feeling normal was being home for the summer, but now that I think about it, nothing has changed. Everything’s just hollow for some reason. The thought almost brings tears to my eyes. Almost.
As I make my way back to bed, I pass Theo, who has apparently just laid down. Turning towards my bed, I make eye contact with him. Theo gave me a nasty sneer, but refrained from saying anything. He could probably tell that I had just been crying. I can’t find it in myself to care much about that fact though.
After I get situated in bed, I think about what has happened in the past couple short hours. I found out about the Yule Ball, I met Raphael, and I got myself wrapped into an argument with Pansy. Overall, it seems like a pretty content day.